Fallen^Angel
19-02-2011, 07:30
I was going to post this in our Feb chat threat, but it just didnt seem to fit.
Girls - I feel soo bad for making you all teary! I am a little hesitant to post as I don’t want to bring you all down in what should be one of the happiest times in your life! I know, we're all hormonal, and yes I am devastated, but I will get through this.
Thursday was Intense! It took almost 24 hours of lying in hospital birth suite without being able to eat or drink and being in labour before I could get in for my c/section. First we were told I would be first on the list so I could be out of recovery before all the mums with their bubs rolled in, Emergencies came up and it was delay after delay. I don’t want to write down too much of my birth story right now because I don’t want to cause anyone waiting for their bubs arrival any unnecessary stress or worry.
The sad truth is that there is NO answer for what happened at this stage. Even with an autopsy we may not get one and we do have to prepare ourselves for that. The birth itself gave nothing away; he was a massive 4.361 kgs. Gorgeous little boy! No cord knots, and wasn't around his neck or anything. Placenta was absolutely fine, still attached no preveria. Also no merconian was found in the amniotic fluid either so he was probably not stressed at any time and passed away peacefully.
We had cuddles with him all night and he was just perfect. He was the first baby I have ever actually held in my arms and the love was instant. I got to feel like a mommy for the first time and it was absolutely amazing. Lots of kisses n cuddles with him and his daddy who has been my tower of strength. We have so much love for our little boy even though we never got the chance to know him. It’s just like I was told from so many other mothers- how nothing else matters when you become a parent... like giving birth is the moment your own life really begins! All the worries and fears and depressions and anxieties that I had through my pregnancy just seem so trivial now. It’s just amazing the range of emotions you go through. I guess because it’s been such a long process I have 3 distinct days -
16th Feb - the day my baby died and probably the worst day of my life. 17th Feb - My baby's birth day. 18th Feb - the day I met him and got to hold him and honestly the happiest day of my life. Have had family visiting me today and I’m sure they thought I had waaay too much morphine as I really have been so happy- because I felt pure love for the first time in my life. And now that is the only emotion I will ever feel towards my little boy.
The next 2 days especially is going to be tough. I know I have to deal with the baby blues and I’m not going to be in this happy place that I have been. Unfortunately my most vulnerable time is over the weekend when the grief councilors aren’t around. Then walking out of here without my little man. Arranging a funeral, and what to do with my future now. I’m supposed to be a mother raising her child not in this limbo land but I will deal with it in my own way and hopefully I can get back to the happy place again.
Any of the Middies / Students reading the threads or even if you know the nurses at the RBWH in Brisbane i would like to thank them as well for the special care and attention i've been getting. Even though i am away from maternity the midwives have been coming down to check up on me in their breaks and just be there for me. the girls who have been looking after me have been wonderful as well especially the overnight staff keeping me company at all hours because im having trouble sleeping and offering tissues and cuppas
Also thank you for the replies PM's from everyone out there I apologize that I haven’t had a chance to respond as I’m sure you can understand but they REALLY mean a lot - in fact I will treasure them and when I go home will print them out for Evan's Memory Box.
From Dion, (my other half) He would like to thank you all for being there for me and being supportive in the times when he could not because he just didn’t have a clue about this pregnancy stuff, girl stuff or really know what I was going through. And for entertaining me, reassuring me and just being there for the past few months.
Love to you All xxx
Girls - I feel soo bad for making you all teary! I am a little hesitant to post as I don’t want to bring you all down in what should be one of the happiest times in your life! I know, we're all hormonal, and yes I am devastated, but I will get through this.
Thursday was Intense! It took almost 24 hours of lying in hospital birth suite without being able to eat or drink and being in labour before I could get in for my c/section. First we were told I would be first on the list so I could be out of recovery before all the mums with their bubs rolled in, Emergencies came up and it was delay after delay. I don’t want to write down too much of my birth story right now because I don’t want to cause anyone waiting for their bubs arrival any unnecessary stress or worry.
The sad truth is that there is NO answer for what happened at this stage. Even with an autopsy we may not get one and we do have to prepare ourselves for that. The birth itself gave nothing away; he was a massive 4.361 kgs. Gorgeous little boy! No cord knots, and wasn't around his neck or anything. Placenta was absolutely fine, still attached no preveria. Also no merconian was found in the amniotic fluid either so he was probably not stressed at any time and passed away peacefully.
We had cuddles with him all night and he was just perfect. He was the first baby I have ever actually held in my arms and the love was instant. I got to feel like a mommy for the first time and it was absolutely amazing. Lots of kisses n cuddles with him and his daddy who has been my tower of strength. We have so much love for our little boy even though we never got the chance to know him. It’s just like I was told from so many other mothers- how nothing else matters when you become a parent... like giving birth is the moment your own life really begins! All the worries and fears and depressions and anxieties that I had through my pregnancy just seem so trivial now. It’s just amazing the range of emotions you go through. I guess because it’s been such a long process I have 3 distinct days -
16th Feb - the day my baby died and probably the worst day of my life. 17th Feb - My baby's birth day. 18th Feb - the day I met him and got to hold him and honestly the happiest day of my life. Have had family visiting me today and I’m sure they thought I had waaay too much morphine as I really have been so happy- because I felt pure love for the first time in my life. And now that is the only emotion I will ever feel towards my little boy.
The next 2 days especially is going to be tough. I know I have to deal with the baby blues and I’m not going to be in this happy place that I have been. Unfortunately my most vulnerable time is over the weekend when the grief councilors aren’t around. Then walking out of here without my little man. Arranging a funeral, and what to do with my future now. I’m supposed to be a mother raising her child not in this limbo land but I will deal with it in my own way and hopefully I can get back to the happy place again.
Any of the Middies / Students reading the threads or even if you know the nurses at the RBWH in Brisbane i would like to thank them as well for the special care and attention i've been getting. Even though i am away from maternity the midwives have been coming down to check up on me in their breaks and just be there for me. the girls who have been looking after me have been wonderful as well especially the overnight staff keeping me company at all hours because im having trouble sleeping and offering tissues and cuppas
Also thank you for the replies PM's from everyone out there I apologize that I haven’t had a chance to respond as I’m sure you can understand but they REALLY mean a lot - in fact I will treasure them and when I go home will print them out for Evan's Memory Box.
From Dion, (my other half) He would like to thank you all for being there for me and being supportive in the times when he could not because he just didn’t have a clue about this pregnancy stuff, girl stuff or really know what I was going through. And for entertaining me, reassuring me and just being there for the past few months.
Love to you All xxx