Shared parenting chat.

[SPC]

There are a few of us who are co-parenting and cohabiting and in shared housing, which brings a unique set of challenges.

This is a support thread for people living with somebody else's offspring, and another parent, but not in a relationship with that parent. If that last sentence doesn't compute, then it probably doesn't mean you.

I share a house with another single parent and we, for the most part, very happily negotiate the shared parenting of our children. But it is an interesting journey full of negotiation and self-discovery.

[peanutbutter&jelly]

I wish!! But here's a BUMP for the late night crowd, who I know has at least one Shared Parenting family here :D (Though not all have kids themselves!!)

[SPC]

Thanks! There are a few of us. I've never lived alone with my daughter and wouldn't want to. I've had gay flatties, couples, single women and now another parent and this is the best option by far. And now I'm having a second baby, the commune is growing. Finding a house of the right configuration and size is the trickiest bit at the moment.

[share a book]

I hope you don't mind me reading along. I'm looking at moving and having someone else share the rent and the bills and things, but not sure how we'd go living with someone else. For the last 5.5 years we've just lived alone, and the last 1.5 years has seen us gain a new family member with 4 legs which took all sorts of adjustments. Really unsure of how it will turn out and if it's a good idea to share with people after being alone for such a long time.

[Gandalf]

Hello :cheerleader2:

Awesome idea! i think its a great idea!
I'm the childless one who lives with a single (ish?) mum and her two beautiful children. I moved in as extra support when her FOB#2 buggered off for a few months (he's back now - massive long story there :laughing:).

So i'm part of the parenting process. I make rules, i uphold rules and i parent the way that my bestie and i think is right. (FOB is the one with the different parenting style :p but he's slowly being taught).

Its super complex, because i'm obviously not a step parent, but despite what extended family members have said, i *am* an intrinsic part of the family now. :yes:

We always liken it to big love without the bigamy :D sister wives.

so thankyou for starting this thread! i'm sure i'll be back to use it more (or to vent about the previous situation that still has me doing this :freakingout: a lot :p)

[SPC]

swimmingupstream - my flattie hadn't ever had a successful shared living situation before us either but took the leap out of necessity. There are huge issues to negotiate in terms of disciplining another person's child, sharing meals, how much tv they watch, treats, bed time routines. It's blending but not with a permanent agenda, so it's really interesting as a process. It's made us both better parents. I think the real challenge is for the children though as they have their birth order changed. My daughter went form being an only child to being youngest of two and the dynamic is very different. They are similar in age so it's almost instant twins. Yes, they always have a playmate, and they also don't really have to 'share' their own mummy, but it's so complex. Do you have somebody in mind?

NotEsther - Looking forward to hearing your perspective on house sharing as a fairy godmother. Have you found yourself re-evaluating any of your previous assumptions? I think we're really lucky as we don't have a heap of family or exes to contend with, but I imagine that would be potentially tricky.

[Mrs Nietzsche]

I'm mainly posting because I think it's a great idea and want to say so :D

I lived like this for a while when I was a single parent the first time.. 4 years ago.. a single mother friend would stay with us half the week (as she was at uni nearer to me, same uni as me) and then go home to gold coast for the other half (where she worked casually). My daughter loved it, she always hated being an only child. I think it absolutely made us better parents.. someone (adult) to talk to, somehow makes you enjoy your own child more??, sharing meals, etc.. and obv we had the space when she wasn't with us (she had one daughter).

Personally I think if you can find the right person it can be an ideal living situation. (Better than marriage tbh).

A lot of houses now advertise for 'dual living' usually 2 stories.. like a lot of the old high set queensland houses that used to have bottom floor garage have been adapted to be dual living... which I suppose would be ideal for you SPC. Good luck with the hunt.

[share a book]

I have not yet started looking for a housemate but since rent for a basic place smaller than the one we're in now is double what I pay on mine, and rent for one with 5 rooms is not much more than one with 3 rooms, I was thinking it could only work if I shared because sorry but as a single parent on limited income and no child support, I can't afford the $500 a week they are asking for in rent. For a 3 brm townhouse I'm looking at $475 a week but for a 5 bedroom house with 2 bathrooms and a double lock up garage I'm looking at $500 a week, go figure! Having kids limits the chances of finding rentals, and having a pet limits the availability of rentals, and if you are also a wildlife carer with all sorts of animals in the house including snakes and birds and kangaroos and things, it makes it exceptionally difficult. My plan is to move and open up FDC which will be ideal and once FDC is up and running I can afford it just on my own, but not everything will fall into place straight away as we are all well aware so at least for the start I will have to share with someone, and it is scary as anything thinking about sharing my home with another person who could possibly have kids and pets of their own.

[Gandalf]

NotEsther - Looking forward to hearing your perspective on house sharing as a fairy godmother. Have you found yourself re-evaluating any of your previous assumptions? I think we're really lucky as we don't have a heap of family or exes to contend with, but I imagine that would be potentially tricky.
:D I think the actual living together part was SO SO easy compared to all the drama that we dealt with from all sides concerning the fact that i was being treated as 'part of the family'. [massive vent coming up, feel free to skip ;)]

My housemates ex assaulted her and then left sometime last year. I initially moved in because she needed financial and physical help (and i was visiting most of the time anyway, so it was just making it 'official'). her x came back on the scene around christmas, and they started talking (woo for actual talking in a relationship :p) and basically are in the process of getting back together, it was just...odd? He used to live here before i did, so i felt like i was displacing him - and he felt like i was taking over his role.
And so when his family started making snide comments about him putting me back in my place or taking his reins back, he kind of let me know that he wanted me to back off, without saying a thing to me :rolleyes: [at which point i took to hiding in my room 24/7 :crying: i wouldn't go to the bathroom till he went away for a little while, didn't eat for about 3 days because i didn't want to take over 'his' kitchen - was awful.]. I don't actually blame him for it though, because i know he's still trying to come back to the secure parent he was before he became an @sshole - but i don't think i can be around his family anymore :(. Which is frustrating because i *am* the godmother, i will be in little-miss's life for as long as she wants me there,kwim?

But my housemate/bestie feels just as upset about the situation. And at least fob has talked to me, and explained to me where he was coming from (:laughing: i told him 'i kinda get it' and replied with 'good, because i don't - i was a total idiot' :p).


Most of our friends seem to understand and think its a good idea that we're living together. But his extended family are just, difficult? very mainstream.

If i wasn't living there the snide comments would still be coming about the 12+month old being BF and co-sleeping, about the fact that we don't smack, that we don't CIO etc. And that's what i have to keep reminding myself. Its not because they don't like me (which they truly don't, but i don't really care), its that we do things in a way that they consider 'weird' - and i'm ok with being weird :goodvibes:

Ok, sorry for the essay. Its probably the one thing that's really got me going :freakingout: atm. and my poor housemate doesn't wanna hear me whinge anymore about the family that we haven't seen in several weeks now b/c of their sillyness :p:highfive:


Other than that its really good. I get to put into practice the parenting techniques that i've previously only read about (i'm very ap, but only ever practiced with little bubbies as a nanny - so co-sleeping, babywearing etc). Now with a 5y/o and a 1y/o its more things like, allowing them to negotiate with me. And when to allow them to negotiate vs a simply clear 'no'. I'm learning where my breaking point is in regards to irritting kiddy behaviour. Its good. :yes:
And obviously i get to love them and smother them with kisses and basically be their fairy godmother :goodvibes::goodvibes:

[bubbleandme]

well, I'm about to share with another single parent. I'm thinking and hoping it's going to be a wonderful, growing experience. Especially with cooking, I can't cook! Will learn :P

I've lived alone for a year now, and whilst I can do, I don't think it's the best situation for me. Before that, I lived with some non-parents, bad move.

[share a book]

*BUMP*

Was hoping to hear from others in this situation before jumping into it lol. DD is 7.5 now and we haven't shared since she was 14 months old so she only has memories of it being just the 2 of us. It's been nearly 6 years of us living on our own in this house. So it would be good to hear from other people about moving in with others who have kids.