How and when do you accept that MAYBE you won't have kids?

[Buttoneska]

We have been TTC for 9mths which I know isn't along time compared to others, but it is taking a huge toll on my life and I am wondering when do I accept that maybe kids won't be a given in my life?

Do I imagine a fulfilling life with or without kids and if kids happen being grateful? Or do I imagine only a life with kids and be constantly disappointed with every BFN I get?

I have booked into drs to get checked out and see what's going on - I ovulate but I suspect I have a poor uterus lining or damage from a complicated d&c. I have read abit about this and it seems there are ALOT of women who are rendered infertile and never ever have kids.

I am nearly 31 so I am on the downward slope of my fertility.

I know it's different for everyone, but I am wondering if ppl who have had fertility issues - how did you mentally go about your life. Did you just take control of all areas of your life and find happiness in those - or did you just focus on having babies.

And now, how do you feel about your approach? do you wish you had done something different? and if so what?

I do believe that kids aren't meant for everyone, and although I WANT babies SO BAD - maybe it's not meant for me. And maybe I am just missing out on a great life now obessing about a maybe that might not ever be?

Is there happiness without children?

[AndyGee]

you know i think the only way to really make your choice is to analyze how much you think having a child will add to your life. How important is it to you and your partner? And that means paring back everything materialistic because it can be an expensive road; i too believe life is what you make of it. Oh and by the way, you are a spring chicken - i had my first daughter at 35yo and now i'm 45yo going for no. 2 : you just might find a stint with IVF finds you pregnant easier than you think - you just have to put it first, before everything else......
hope i've helped a little.....:)

[goosiegander]

Hi There
just wanted to share my story with you.

I always looked at my life with having children in it and being a mother. At the age of 26 when I found out my eggs were pretty much useless and we needed IVF...my dreams of becoming a Mother were shattered. Thats all I concentrated on was babies IVF babies IVF failure after failure after failure after my 7th go of IVF I went into a deep depression and nearly lost my marriage. IVF had taken up so much of my energy i actually forgot to live....and this was not good!

I stopped for about 6 months while I got myself together and then we started the 8th and 9th cycle I was more relaxed with these cycles as I was determined not for it rule my life but me to rule the IVF....but again we had failed cycles. We then went onto donor cycles where we got an ectopic and another bunch of BFN. We have stopped now as money is an issue for us at the moment...if it wasnt then I would still be doing donor cycles.

I have been able to stop trying as I know I have exhausted every avenue apart from adoption ( again money issues there too) I have had every test done and i have tried everything so I am comfortable with my decision....not to say that i wont ever get sad about it all...that will never go away the yearning of that baby will never go away but im choosing now to try and live my life the best way I can without children, i think we can have happiness without children, its early days with me....i know im happier not thinking about where the money is going to come from for another cycle and I havent ended up in messy heap on the bathroom floor like I have many times before. I think in your heart you just know when enough is enough and you can only be the one who makes that decision!! In saying that as you said your very new to all of this so I would try everything before even thinking about stopping....I gave it 8 years....but everyone is different!

Good Luck with your journey
xox

[emm1978]

THANKS Goosiegander!

i too am starting to think this way and are getting to that point but how do we give up the dream of having kids! i'm now 32 we started trying when we were 25 and had to wait 1yr to became public patients and then 3 yrs of testing and trying before being transferred to ivf the last 2 yrs on a break and endo surgery so far we have had 15 implants (fresh and frozen) and about to have our 9th drug cycle.

To start with i was fine and my husband has very bad sperm but i have recently been diagnosed with menopause and this has just devastated me as it's confirms the worst possible scenarios living with out children. And adoption in aust is such a long process and is so expensive it's not worth it after ivf

I've had counseling on and off as the depression is too much to deal with, which helps keep me sane but the hardest bit is having children / pregnant women everywhere you look, on the telly, in the catologues, at the shops etc and now all my brothers and sisters.

yes i can be a great auntie to everyone else's kids but unfortunately they live in another state and my husband is an only child that is not very close with my family so he's totally isolated from them. - and it's just not the same!!!!

we are public patients which has been a help financially but a drain physically and mentally as we feel we don't get very good treatment because we're public and don't get much say in what and how the treatment is supplied

have you got any coping strategies?????? we are now planning on yearly holidays and have 2 beautiful dogs (only 6 months old) so in the really annoying stage but are slowly getting better. a weekly catch up with my friend and her child to get my fix, this is a big help as it's seeing the reality of having a child not what is portrayed on tv. i decided to become a primary school teacher but after 6 mths in and whole heaps of medical problems have to return to work as we just can't afford me off work so I'm looking at other ways maybe fostering ?????

it would be good to hear how others decide to make the decision to give up and how they cope afterwards - i know we can be live and be happy without children but i feel that our lives would be so much more with children in them

[Buttoneska]

thanks everyone for your replies- reading your stories makes me realise that 9mths isn't long as all..

i think i am mostly frustrated that I have put my whole life on hold for 9mths and possibly for many yrs to come in the hope of getting pregnant.

i think i can, should and deserve to 'do it all' - live my life now to the fullest AND continue to try for a baby. So I am looking for a new job and reassessing the other areas of my life.

i am no where near ready to say no kids -but i am certainly going to stop putting my life on hold.

to those of you that posted - WOW!!! you are all strong and amazing ppl - and i hope you can make the decisions that are best for you and your partners and find happiness in those choices. Maybe this thread will be a good placefor you all to support each other - i think it is definately a silent journey that is seldom discussed.

[jackie7]

We have stopped now as money is an issue for us at the moment...if it wasn't then I would still be doing donor cycles.

I have been able to stop trying as I know I have exhausted every avenue apart from adoption ( again money issues there too)



Actually if you look at Local adoption there are actually no fees involved with this, it is normally simply the cost of law court fees which normally only amounts to a couple of grand


Buttoneska

I actually wrote out a really really long reply yesterday and took so long I was logged out of Bubhub and then it ate my message but I will give it ago again. The one yesterday was better and more detailed.



Firstly you might find what I have to say a bit harsh - but you have to understand that after all these years (about 10 years and 8 of them chasing the idea of a child) my view point has undergone many hard times.


I do believe that kids aren't meant for everyone

I actually disagree with this comment - it might be relevant for those that selected never to have children. I actually think some of us are just bloody unlucky. Following a path to children is a lot of hard work and those of us that end up without are simply unlucky - I know I worked dam hard - so why is joe blow more worthy than me????? I dislike this as well because so many people in adoption circles tend to use comments similar to this and it's really hurtful to those of us that made a very hard decision not to continue.



In terms of then how and when you accept not having children - I actually think and feel this depends on where you actually start from in the first place. Using myself as an example I have been a primary POF girl (Premature Ovarian Failure - idiopathic - primary meaning only having a handful of AF's in my entire life) I had very limited options to being with. This servilely cuts down your options straight away, so in comparison you actually have much more potential at this stage of your experience.
Giving up with the idea or possibility of still trying is not the same as looking down the path without options. Looking down that path way has a different bleakness about it that others can't really understand.


Most people tend to come to accept once they have actually explored and undertaken a range of options and this can take years.

In terms of doing things differently yes of course I wish I had done somethings differently but sometimes in life it turns out to be a lot tougher than we think. It's not easy but sometimes you have to keep going.


In terms of mental health when you face that bleaker level you are able to plan longer term and you really have to seek out new pathways. One of the most significant things that I will miss is that in comparison to our peers DH and I will miss out on the bond of having children and how this actually bonds you with your peer group.

I also hate how when people talk about their kids and they act like I don't understand the intensity of love and that I can't understand how hard it is to be a parent. I know how hard it was just to try for so long, I know what it's like to make hard decisions (which parents often have to do for their children), I know what it's like to long for that love from a child. The thing also is because of my occupation I actually know very well the reality of children. So this really really annoys me, particularly when I have untold amount of empathy for them.

There is happiness but just like having and raising children it's a lot of hard work - when it's not the 10 first pathways you thought you would explore.

In terms of mental health again - some of do lose certain friends in this experience - some people will never understand what we go through and to be honest we can't always expect them to - though we wish they could. It's hard to explain it. When your in treatment you are constantly going repetitively through parts of the grief cycle which doesn't normally work that way - normally you move towards the end at some point. Where as while in treatment you can go back over certain parts of the grief cycle again and again - but not get any closer to the end. It is in only giving up that you move through more parts - I don't know if you ever get to the end. Back to the thing about friends and loved ones - all you can really do is hope that people are okay with re-connecting when you are ready. Sometimes we need them to be the bigger person simply because we are trying to hold it together and we are attempting to minimise our distress on their happy times.

[goosiegander]

Hi Jackie
We have looked into adoption thoroughly and when I talk about adoption I am talking about international adoption. we all know that the waiting list for local is extreme and the amount of children placed with adoptive parents, last time i checked, were 6 Australian wide for the whole year, this was the total when we went to our seminar, so when I wrote we have no money for adoption I am purely talking about International adoption and not local...actually when I say we have no money I mean we have no money, that's why I am here in this section now :) Unless of course we hit the jackpot on Saturday :)

[emm1978]

hi jackie

I too looked at adoption with the waiting period and heart ache that it takes to adopt after 7 years of infertility is just too much to bear

my best friend asked me about adoption when she first found out we were having trouble as her friends were going through the process as they had a very bad labour with their first child and nearly died so they said ok we will adopt, started the process straight away - about 3 months ago my friends rang me to say they have finally got approval to adopt and are on the waiting list for possible children, their little girl is now 6 to me thats just appalling because if we were in America or any other country the whole process takes less than 4 years

there has been numerous news specials on adoption as their are so many children that require a loving family and their are heaps of people in our situation that would love a child regardless of origin but the bureaucratic bull**** and red tape stops most people from trying ....Hugh Jackman's wife is one of the spokes person in Aust for adopting and she is trying to petition the govt to overhaul the laws but so far no luck their is also a qld minister that has adopted children that is also on the bandwagon to get changes in place but as with all govt it takes time and that's we don't have

[jackie7]

Actually in the period of 2009 to 2010 there where actually 61 local adoptions Australia wide. There where a separate 129 known adoptions (i.e. family members) for this period of time.
I am painfully aware of how the local adoption listing of parents has increased, in the last year and half the number of people on adoption listing in victoria has at least an extra 10 to 15 people on it than before - so around the 40 mark. However LA is a listing, not a wait listing like ICA because of the matching process with the panel, SW and birth family.

So the people your speaking to might be meaning in relations to their own state only.

http://www.aihw.gov.au/publications/cws/38/11957.pdf

I actually have a very in-depth understanding of the local and international adoption process - made deeper by the fact that I am actually adoption by one of my parents and I di d 4 and half years of ICA before withdrawing.

I am also aware that the most misleading information within adoption circles actually comes form those of us that undertake adoption - because there are different rule and requirements in each state often we don't take into consideration other state requirements.
I understand why people don't turn to adoption because in australia it is unrealistic and I do tend to encourage those considering ICA to explore Expat adoption instead.

As for Deborah Lee Furness - I think it's insulting that the ICA adoptive parents and waiting parents of Australia don't have someone else representing. This woman and her husband chose to leave Australia in a time when Australian ICA was not that complex. She would be really useful representative for those families that do select to undertake Expat adoption.
Why not have someone that actually adopted while living in australia like Basia Bonkowski (she was a TV Presenter in the 1980's and she has written a number of books- including adoption ones and she Has ICA children)

http://www.exislepublishing.com/process/shop/productView.html?itemId=12655

[Buttoneska]

I actually disagree with this comment - it might be relevant for those that selected never to have children. I actually think some of us are just bloody unlucky. Following a path to children is a lot of hard work and those of us that end up without are simply unlucky - I know I worked dam hard - so why is joe blow more worthy than me????? I dislike this as well because so many people in adoption circles tend to use comments similar to this and it's really hurtful to those of us that made a very hard decision not to continue.



Hi Jackie

I am on my way to work but just wanted to quickly write a short response to your post. Thank you for your post and I will reply to it all when I have time to sit down and do so properly.

I just wanted to apologise if my language offended you as it was not my intention. I guess we just have different intepretations of what "meant to be" means. For me it is in no way, shape or form a reflection of someones worthiness to have children. I do not mean that x is entitled/worthly and y isn't that's why y doesn't have kids.

I mean the simple fact of life is not everyone who wants and tries to have kids will suceed. For whatever reason, circumstance for some ppl as much as they may want it, work for it, and deserve it - it simply will never ever happen.

As you see it it - they are unlucky. As I see it (and yes I believe in God) it was not part of the devine design of those ppl's life.

I guess it is just my spiritual believe and how I view life in general. Again I did not mean to offend you and I am not saying you should or shouldn't agree - I am just explaining what I meant by what I said. It was not a personal reflection of anyone in that situation, it was just my belief about life and god in general.

[jalala]

I can't really relate to your troubles, but I wanted to post a quick reply after stumbling upon this post. Have you considered fostering a child? I had two teenage foster sisters - one official, through DHS, and the other a private arrangement. Both those girls had completely screwed up mothers, and my family took them in pretty much as soon as we met them, but I can't help but wonder how their lives would have been if someone like you had been able to take them on earlier than we were able. Its not a perfect arrangement. The child isn't "your's", although longterm/lifetime foster arrangements most certainly exist. They will come from extremely dysfunctional homes and may even have medical issues relating to their mothers alcohol or drug abuse during pregnancy. However, if you really want a child to brighten your life and other avenues are no longer reasonable, these children sure could use YOU to brighten their lives too, and give them a chance to be all they can be. Just food for thought.

[Buttoneska]

I can't really relate to your troubles, but I wanted to post a quick reply after stumbling upon this post. Have you considered fostering a child? I had two teenage foster sisters - one official, through DHS, and the other a private arrangement. Both those girls had completely screwed up mothers, and my family took them in pretty much as soon as we met them, but I can't help but wonder how their lives would have been if someone like you had been able to take them on earlier than we were able. Its not a perfect arrangement. The child isn't "your's", although longterm/lifetime foster arrangements most certainly exist. They will come from extremely dysfunctional homes and may even have medical issues relating to their mothers alcohol or drug abuse during pregnancy. However, if you really want a child to brighten your life and other avenues are no longer reasonable, these children sure could use YOU to brighten their lives too, and give them a chance to be all they can be. Just food for thought.

DH and I were talking about this last night and it is something I would consider for sure - prob regardless if we had kids or not. I have been thinking about WHY I want kids and of course a huge part of it is to have my 'own' so to speak, but a huge part is to also love, support and nuture. At this stage for us we have thought if it come to it - we wouldn't do IVF (of course we don't know until we actauly there - but that is our thinking atm). But for now as much as we can we kinda 'feel' that we would keep TTC and get some tests and do what we could to fall without IVF.

If it didn't happen for us by then we would think about adoption and foster. Which from what I heard adoption is virtually impossible but you never know.

I have been thinking that if can't biologically have kids, there are others ways I can have kids in my life and when the times comes I could focus on that. I myself had a completely messed up childhood so I really get it when you say those kids need me as much I would need them (so to speak).

Very interesting thought, thanks for sharing.

I have no idea if it's hard to foster though???

[rubyandmaxarefurkids]

Hi Ladies
I too am shall we say reproductively challenged, I am now 45 nut my hubby and I have been trying for years naturallly before turning to IVF for the last 4 years & now the last year has been spent looking for an egg donor, getting some tested before finding a suitable donor then finally now we are ready to go the last week of March!
It has been a long hard road for me, finally finding my soulmate at 39 , after spending many years dealing with the grief of losing my sister , she was my best friend and then helping my b- in law deal with his grief and then help raise my niece. Don't get me wrong I have had my share of relationships but I could not have been through what we have been through without ny hubby.
So after trying naturally really trying after 1 year with no joy, we did 6 cycles if IVF with no lucK I then conceived naturally and got to 10 weeks , I was doing accupunture , I then miscarried my little boy :(
We then did another 2 cycles with no luck to be told as now I was 43 nearly 44 that my egg quality was not great and to move forward the only way was to use DE, I then luckily found my angel who is a friend at work, she is my angel, who is going to selflessly help me and Hubby have the baby we so desperately want, We had one emby frozen from our 2nd cycle as we were hoping to get another 1 to have 2 transferred but never got it! We had to use that before we were allowed to enter the De programme so we used that and I got pregnant only to mis carry at 9 weeks again with my little girl, the FS then discovered that I have a Uterus full if tumours and therefore my babies had nothing to attach themselves to, so after 2 months of treatment to shuit down my system in the hope that they go away, we are hopefully ready to go with our Egg Donor Angel in March!
So don't give up! I want to give it my best shot! I talk to so many people that gave up and regret it now at the age of 50 or older & so I am not giving up!:)

[jalala]

@ Buttoneska: The girl (I'll call her "A") we took in through DHS, mum asked the girl and her social worker if she'd like to come live with us, as her home life (I use the word 'life' loosely) was appalling, and that is how it started. We met her when she attended the same party as my brother, my dad went to pick up my brother up and found her drunk with older guys all over her... Dad removed her up and drove her home! There were a few meetings with the girl, her worker and her mum, but it took less than a week after mum had decided she wanted to take her in. All of them were desperate to get her out of her mothers house, including her batsh1t crazy mother. Starting the process wasn't particularly lengthy, once there is a child in the picture of course, waiting for a suitable one may take time, but there are still issues. It depends on their home situation, but DHS likes them to maintain contact with their parents. They tend to come home ****ed up and upset. Centrelink gives them an allowance, and a portion is given to the host parent in board - mum found it hard to explain to us why A had so much money to spend on clothes, cd's, movies etc and we didn't. You can guide them, but you don't have the final say in their schooling and things. You have the right to have house rules, but they have the right to change homes if they don't like them. Like I said, not perfect. However, I think if you got them young, you wouldn't have alot of the issues that we had. By the time A came to us, she'd been hopped up on drugs that her mother had stolen and shared (how kind) with her for years, and had severe mental disturbances that simply were out of her control. I know I've been negative, but I don't want to scare you off. I really do believe that, even if you get them after the damage is done, love and assistance can still go a long way to allowing them to build a life for themselves. I just don't want to pretend that it is all sunshine and puppies either. They're being fostered because their parent/s have completely failed them, and that has impacts, but it also makes their successes mean so much more too.

[emm1978]

Ruby; its great that you've come on board to share your story and everyone has a right to do what they feel is right for them but we don't want to be "old parents"

Josh and I have been together since we were 16 and most of our friends had their kids by 20-25, we were sensible and said wait till were 25 then start as wanted our children by age 30 and we are now approaching 33. we want to be actively involved with our kids not sitting on the side watching them.

We know that their are plenty of first time parents in their 40's but we've have already been trying for 7 nearly 8 yrs. "There does come time to say enough is enough!!!!"

we are now looking at other ways to be involved with children without having them ourselves, maybe teaching, fostering or adoption (if we can wait that long????) we are still talking about this and will know more once we're spoken to another fertility clinic for a second opinion

[Having Faith]

Hi. I was married 7 years and was TTC for 4 years before I was able to conceive. The reason I thought that I would write is because I can totally relate to what you are going through.
We wanted to make sure we had everything ready before we tried for a baby, but when we did start nothing happened. In fact nothing happened for 2 years and we tried every single cycle. I couldn't accept the fact that anything could be wrong. Both of us had ourselves tested for any hiccups. He had a low sperm count with some poor swimmers but we were told that it shouldn't be an issue. Then in our 3rd year of trying, we went through 2 IUI cycles both of which failed. A few months later, I had almost given up when I fell pregnant - only that it ended up being ectopic and I lost my left tube. Just after the operation I was also handed a double whammy because I had been diagnosed with endometriosis. I was told that the best chance was IVF. For the next year we didn't even try because I was afraid that the next pregnancy might be ectopic and I didn't want to lose the remaining tube I had. We collected some money and decided to go for an IVF cycle. That too failed. With that cycle failing I went in to major depression and only with the help of a psychologist was I able to snap out of it.
My desire to have children had turned in to an obsession and and it was an obsession I wanted to escape. Finally with the help of the psychologist, I managed to NOT want to have children and for the first time in so many years I relaxed. And would you believe it the next cycle I fell pregnant - it was a normal conception with no drugs. After so much bad news I consider my little boy a miracle.
Many people had told me to relax and to not think about getting pregnant because stress does have a negative effect. But of course it's easier said than done. But it worked for me and it might work for you. I wish you the best!

[Buttoneska]

WOW what a journey you have been on!!! Thank you for sharing..

I completely agree with what you are saying and have just reached the place of being calm and not obsessing about a baby - it is sooooooooooooooo much better.

regardless of what the future holds, right now is better then it has ever been simply because im relaxed. With or without kids I feel I will be able to find happiness - it's such a nice place to be and im very thankful.

I am so pleased to hear you got your litlle bub too.. :D

[katiestar]

My story is a little different but I thought I would share as I too thought I would have to one day accept life without children...


When I was 18 I had PID which leaves many women infertile. My case was very advanced as I was rushed to hospital and had to stay for 5 days. I dont think my tubes were ever tested to see the damage (i think i would of remembered if they were) and didnt really think much of it before wanting a baby

I thought I would be punished and never be given the chance.

I remember every day thinking the worst, whenever I saw someone pregnant I would feel sad etc etc.

It is not a nice feeling to experience and I do wish you the best of luck. I also know the fear with each month that goes by and you get a negative result.

[khris]

Hello,

I thought I would tell my story as when I read the first few threads I felt a connection with your story. I am soon turning 32 and my partner is only 27, we started TTC about 2 and half years ago, 14 of those months we have been with a fertility clinic and have had three unsuccessful ICSI transfers. My heart sank when my doctor told me that she would not do any more transfers with the 'bad quality' of my eggs. I have thought about our life without children, I have two staffy dogs and bred them a couple times. I know it's not the same as having a baby but the puppies brought so much joy in our lives. When I think about our lives without children I am sad and I get scared as I don't want to be the cat lady, who starts collecting cats. I try and remain positive and keep praying that one day it will be my turn to hold our own :bottle:

I am not ready to give up hope yet, we are now awaiting a response from our Egg donor :angel:

[cassie25]

Hey hunnie it really isnt a long time compared to some people but i just want you to know i understand where you are coming from because i am only now just concieved with my second child to my fiance but my 4th in total and it took us 11 months to concieve with a loss last month in the 10th month of trying it was gut rentching every month getting a BFN and it really does mess with your head heaps all i can say to you is what my doctor said to me is on average for woman it takes 9-10 months to get pregnant with every pregnancy regardless of if they have had ones before or not and remember you are in the prime of your furtility and will be untill your 35 well thats what she said anyway!! and she is a GYNO anyway just wait and if you guys arent pregnant bedore 12 months is out go see your DR they will help you out and let you know where to go from there

[rubyandmaxarefurkids]

Hi There
i suppose I can really relate to this site, I am 45 my husband is 36 & we have been TTC for nearly 5 years , we have done 9 cycles of IVF , had a natural pregnancy which I miscarried at 9 weeks, then I had a pregnancy with our lasy frozen emby & miscarried again at 8 weeks, my FS then discovered that may be I might have fibroids on y uterus which has given the babies nothing to attach to! I have since had 3 months of treatment which shuts your system down in to a menopause state which makes the fibroids shrink, now because if my age and egg quality we have turned to an Egg donor, which I found and after lots of testing , we had 2 eggs only from her & they both fertilised & I have had one transferred & the other one is now frozen, We find out if I am pregnant next week, so if I am not I know in my heart that I have given it my best shot! Financially it is so hard & how are you meant to be relaxed & not stressed when all you think about is how long you will have to keep working for to pay this off, when you may not even have a baby! But no matter how expensive we keep going because all we want is a baby - right?
People say - " Oh well you can look after my kids" but it's not the same - peolpe with kids just don't understand!

[butterflyknot]

:hugs: Stumpled on this thread, and just want to give you all a huge hug. I am getting ready to become a egg donor for my identical twin sister as she is unable to use her egg's due to cancer treatment. I tried for nearly 6 years to have a child (with my ex) and had a lovely surprise baby with my hubby after 2 years of no cycles, and started treatment for infertility. I just hope my egg's are good enough for my twin, she thought she would go life without her own children, but the day after I had my daughter, I made the offer of my eggs.

You all sound so strong!

[LnW]

my journey was no where near what many ppl go through and while i empathies with this journey i dont pretend to know what its like. but i do know my journey and it was hard...

we faced the thought of life without kids after trying for two years, countless fresh and frozen transfers and two mc's... we ran out of money! ivf took a massive physical and emotional tole on me after having severe OHSS and spending a week in hospital and a month off work.
it had become a big strain on our relationship and with the physical impact as well, my dh and i decided we had to focus on 'our' lives...
so we stopped ivf, spent FAR too much money on a block of land and were about to build our dream house... when we found out i was pregnant!!!!!

i used to hate it wen every one said 'o just relax' 'go on holidays'... i actually credit the OHSS for allowing me to ovulate my one and only (natural) time!!!!

anyway, good luck, everyones journey is personal. some ppl have the strength to try year after year and that is amazing and some ppl dont want to endure ivf and that is ok too. it doesnt mean one person wants or deserves children more. its such a hard journey and i pray everyone finds peace in theirs.

[fefe76]

Just wanted to share my story

DH and I have been ttc #1 for 7 years now. Ive had all the tests and recently found out i have a v.low AMH and also my thyroid antibodies are raised

Anyway we have done 2 IVF cycles... both failed.

I have had an ectopic and 2 chemical pregnancies as well.

Its been a long hard journey for me, esp as i never ever saw myself as never having a child or children in my life....

I even work in childcare! (am a Montessori teacher) ... children are my life and I love them and I felt and still feel unable in some ways to accept I may end up being childless

I was adopted and I am planning to adopt a child, however this too is a long journey and sometimes just as emotionally wracking as TTC
I am constantly appalled by the adoptive process here am petrified that I may end up childless just because the system is so rubbish....

I am already 35 and i feel like time is just running out now .... I had firmly made my decision to just adopt and give up on IVF or AC but more and more i think about doing IVF or surrogacy just in case

Everyday i accept i may never have kids and everyday i cannot accept it .... its a constant battle and I personally knowing myself think that it will never end.... if i never manage to have a child (through adoption or myself or a surrogate) i think i will always be sad and upset about it and i will always wonder "why me?"

[happyhippos1]

I understand you may not be able to have a child naturally, however you have only been trying for a few months. Even if you cant there are still other options. Adoption, fostering..or just keep trying. Dont let it overtake your life - but if you are obsessing perhaps its because you know it is in your destiny. It may not happen when you plan and you may not be able to do it yourself. For me being a mum is the most amazing thing and something I could not ever now imagine not being. We tried for over a year and I was so low some months when my period came. But now Im a mum and every day is a blessing. Dont lose hope. But be proactive. Do everything you can.
H x

[FloatingFairy]

just wanted to give you this :hugs:

I noticed in your sig today that you don't yet have children. You've always seemed so motherly in all the posts ive read of yours.

So :hugs: again

[Buttoneska]

Just wanted to share my story

DH and I have been ttc #1 for 7 years now. Ive had all the tests and recently found out i have a v.low AMH and also my thyroid antibodies are raised

Anyway we have done 2 IVF cycles... both failed.

I have had an ectopic and 2 chemical pregnancies as well.

Its been a long hard journey for me, esp as i never ever saw myself as never having a child or children in my life....

I even work in childcare! (am a Montessori teacher) ... children are my life and I love them and I felt and still feel unable in some ways to accept I may end up being childless

I was adopted and I am planning to adopt a child, however this too is a long journey and sometimes just as emotionally wracking as TTC
I am constantly appalled by the adoptive process here am petrified that I may end up childless just because the system is so rubbish....

I am already 35 and i feel like time is just running out now .... I had firmly made my decision to just adopt and give up on IVF or AC but more and more i think about doing IVF or surrogacy just in case

Everyday i accept i may never have kids and everyday i cannot accept it .... its a constant battle and I personally knowing myself think that it will never end.... if i never manage to have a child (through adoption or myself or a surrogate) i think i will always be sad and upset about it and i will always wonder "why me?"


i wish i could wave my magic wand and get us all preggars. I am only 13mths into this thing and I am already having the swings in emotion that you have. Can't imagine how it is 7yrs on. I have just enrolled in early childhood education; I always wanted to pursue it as a career - but thought i would focus on being a mum and if i had any energy left do that. Now I think I just need to get on with the life I have right now and hopefully one day children of my own are on the cards. Right now I am not obsessed or anything, but I still cna't quite imagine not being a mum IYKWIM. Big hugs and thanks for sharing your story.


I understand you may not be able to have a child naturally, however you have only been trying for a few months. Even if you cant there are still other options. Adoption, fostering..or just keep trying. Dont let it overtake your life - but if you are obsessing perhaps its because you know it is in your destiny. It may not happen when you plan and you may not be able to do it yourself. For me being a mum is the most amazing thing and something I could not ever now imagine not being. We tried for over a year and I was so low some months when my period came. But now Im a mum and every day is a blessing. Dont lose hope. But be proactive. Do everything you can.
H x

Thanks happyhippo - like I said, I am getting on with life and feel much more balanced then I did a few months ago. I want a kid, but I also want to make the most of the life I have right now.


just wanted to give you this :hugs:

I noticed in your sig today that you don't yet have children. You've always seemed so motherly in all the posts ive read of yours.

So :hugs: again

Thanks hun :) Everyone says im motherly, I think I must 'mother' everyone cos I really want a kid.. haha

[Tatiana28]

I can't really relate to your troubles, but I wanted to post a quick reply after stumbling upon this post. Have you considered fostering a child? I had two teenage foster sisters - one official, through DHS, and the other a private arrangement. Both those girls had completely screwed up mothers, and my family took them in pretty much as soon as we met them, but I can't help but wonder how their lives would have been if someone like you had been able to take them on earlier than we were able. Its not a perfect arrangement. The child isn't "your's", although longterm/lifetime foster arrangements most certainly exist. They will come from extremely dysfunctional homes and may even have medical issues relating to their mothers alcohol or drug abuse during pregnancy. However, if you really want a child to brighten your life and other avenues are no longer reasonable, these children sure could use YOU to brighten their lives too, and give them a chance to be all they can be. Just food for thought.

Agree about the fostering. We fostered before tcc to see what it was like to have children in our lives.
We looked after two 6 month olds and a 4 year old ( not all at once)
And it was an amazing, hard, eye opeing experience. But for that time you are the 'parent.' You are getting up at night, rocking them, making the bottles etc etc. You're doing it.
I'd encourage you to go for it. Don't leave it till all hope for a biological child is exhausted either. If you so want a child in your life do it now.
There are so many children who need a soft place to fall.

Foster care training was one night a week for a few weeks, an in home assessment, background check/ police check and there was ongoing support from the foster agency. You could ring them any time of day and night.

A friend of mine is also going down the permanent care route. And hey think she will have a baby within two years. It is through the DHS. Not really sure how that works though.

All the best.

[babyblu11]

Big, big hugs sweetie, and to everyone else on the TTC journey.

[Buttoneska]

Big, big hugs sweetie, and to everyone else on the TTC journey.


thanks lovely :D

[KatiesMum]

I have deleted some posts from this thread.

Please keep things on topic, polite, friendly and constructive.

This is an area for those of us who are Childless - not by choice. Please respect your fellow members who are going through a very tough time and need your empathy and support.

If any post is found not to be consistent with the rules, the posts will be deleted.

thanks
Julie

[fefe76]

Just want to add that since my last post ... I think we have pretty much given up on the adoption front, it just takes way to long and honestly though I would love to have a child it is not fair on a child to have parents who are already in their 40s
I am thinking of fostering but I just do not know.
Everyday is a new idea, something else I can try..... and everyday is a day I try to get through without thinking about being childless not by choice
You would think after 7 years I would know how to focus on other things but its kind of hard to sometimes