Rules for Step-mums

[TurnedBatty]

As it says, what are the rules for step-mums? I am sure we can think of plenty. I will start....



1. Dont even think about mentioning that you may not love your stepkids.

[Nicky2006]

2. Finally admit that your stepchild sleeps on the floor in a room under the stairs. That is when he/she finished his/her jobs like massaging the sm, giving her a pedicure and sorted the peas she threw on the floor...

[rapidlygrowingbrood]

3. Don't ever complain about how hard it is because you knew he had kids when you met him

4. Don't even think about asking the children to keep their room clean, make their beds or dress themselves, their life is hard enough

[Nicky2006]

oh so true
6. If the stepchild calls you a stupid c*** then only cause his/her life is so damaged by being a child of separated parents... It is even easier when one of the parents die!

[HowCrazyCool]

7 ) Care, care, care, don't care, stop caring, you have no right to care, care, why don't you care? what is wrong with you?

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Of course you can walk around in your undies/bra/nude or breastfeed/check cracked nipples/talk about your constipation. It's YOU that has got the hang ups, they are part of the family!

Don't ever ever admit that you love your biological children more, you must have deep seated issues if you can't accept a child as your own every second weekend.

[TurnedBatty]

3. Don't ever complain about how hard it is because you knew he had kids when you met him



Can't believe I forgot that one!!!!

10. Dont plan to do anything unless the stepkids are with you. This includes going to the movies, bowling, on holidays or even to the library. We all know life stops when they go home.

[Nicky2006]

Oh also, please don't forget to spoil them rotten to compensate the pain. It is their nature given right to have twice the presents, holidays etc.
Schedule according to bm. She deserves her time off anytime on short notice, you don't.

[Ulysses]

11. Make sure you don't do anything with your own kids that you haven't done with the step kids otherwise you will be favoring your own children.

12. Don't forget to treat the step kids as your own but remember you are not the real parent so don't think you have any parental rights.

13. Step parents should never complain about the step child, this only allowed to be done by the birth parents as they have the right to be annoyed by their child but a step parent does not.

14. Forget every natural instinct to want to enjoy things for the first time with your husband as he will have already done everything before he met you. Oh, you should also be happy about this because you get to enjoy time with his child as compensation.

15. Learn to enjoy dealing with his ex wife, this is a character building experience & you should appreciate the personal growth this has a brought into your life.

[TurnedBatty]

wicket... you are on fire!!! :D

[Ulysses]

Yep, TB i woul have kept going but Dh came & started talking to me so I was preoccupied. :p

[jimmysmummy]

#1 and #3 are sooooo true!

Ummm....

16. Leave the discipline to the natural parent. Even if this means the child walks all over you (note- I completely ignore this rule)

[Ulysses]

16. Remember to be empathetic to the bm when she breaks down & confesses to your husband/parnter that she still has unresolved feelings for him - you should be grateful to her for letting you have him.

17. Be on call 24/7 - do not, I repeat do not have a life of your own you may not be available for babysitting.

18. Forget about yourself, your own feelings & any issues you have - life is no longer about you it is about the children.

19. Remember that you cannot feel resentment about having to work & give up being a SAHM so that you can afford to pay child support - to complain about this only proves you do not love your step children.

20. Get excited when asked to attend events where you, your partner & the bm will all get to spend time together, after all getting to know each other is enjoyable & not awkward at all.

21. For every picture yuo have of your own child you MUST have an equal number of pictures of your stepchild, baby photos of your first born are not an exception.

[TurnedBatty]

22. Do not feel resentment if the opposite happens, where you cant work and have to be a SAHM that actually stays at home ALLLLLL the time when the stepkids are there

23. You must first check with the stepkids schedules before arranging anything for yourself.

24. Dont ever forget that your stepchilds half-siblings at BM's will always count for more and be more important then any half siblings at their dads, step-siblings are counted even lower.

24. Remember that your job is to support your husbands relationship with his kids from a previous relationship. This includes doing the cleaning, driving, school trips, doctors visits etc anything that makes his life easier so he has more time to focus on them. And no, the same doesnt go for your kids from a previous relationship.

Your last one was awesome! Had to cull photos because I didnt have enough of ss.

[Nicky2006]

Omg wicket you are kidding!! (about her feelings for dh). Wow, that, wow, I would sooo freak out and smack her

[Nicky2006]

I did get the picture comment in my home!!!

[macncheese]

25. You or DH cannot go to the toilet in case ex calls otherwise it will get marked as a no call for the week in the "folder"

[Ulysses]

24. Dont ever forget that your stepchilds half-siblings at BM's will always count for more and be more important then any half siblings at their dads, step-siblings are counted even lower..

love them all, but this one really struck me..sd has a half brother on her mums side & of course every effort has to be made to keep them together & not apart for too long but the same is not said for my dd...its really not nice as they are both equally related.

[Ulysses]

Omg wicket you are kidding!! (about her feelings for dh). Wow, that, wow, I would sooo freak out and smack her

nicky, yes this did happen to me a number of times she would call & breakdown & i found out about a time where she asked him if he was happy with me & if he would come back to her...this was after she broke up with her boyfriend at the time & couldnt find anyone else so i guess my dh (was my boyfriend at the time) was lamb for the slaughter. Anyway it wasnt good, there were text messages that i found between the two of them & i nearly left him because of the whole thing. i was just so angry that she felt it was ok to try to break us up because she was lonely & it took along time for me to trust dh again.Don't worry, i let her know i knew, infact i told her exactly what i thought of her, i dont think we will ever get over the whole thing really, another reason why its all so difficult for step mums having an ex of your partner in your life is not natural in my opinion. Oh well, sorry for the rant on the rules page but just wanted to explain as i am sure not all bm,s do this but mine used to..

[poppyseed]

26. Continue to be nice to the ex even though she has treated you like a lower class citizen for years and refused to acknowledge you exist, Quote "I'm not discussing it with her here, we're the parents!"

My DH wanted to have a serious chat to his ex about her making things difficult and she turned around and told him she still loved him, I loved his response "what we had is way over, and this talk is not what this is about!" she had the hide to say this whilst I was standing 10mtrs away whilst occuping her children hahahaha!!!! Oh he made sure he told me when we were driving away because I'm not sure what I wld've said because I was fuming!!!

[Ulysses]

26. Continue to be nice to the ex even though she has treated you like a lower class citizen for years and refused to acknowledge you exist, Quote "I'm not discussing it with her here, we're the parents!"

My DH wanted to have a serious chat to his ex about her making things difficult and she turned around and told him she still loved him, I loved his response "what we had is way over, and this talk is not what this is abouNt!" she had the hide to say this whilst I was standing 10mtrs away whilst occuping her children hahahaha!!!! Oh he made sure he told me when we were driving away because I'm not sure what I wld've said because I was fuming!!!

Oh poppyseed I know exactly how you feel, at least your dh reacted well.

Theses rules are great, so many I can relate to.

[poppyseed]

Yea wicket, looks like we've had pretty similar scenarios, although I'm pretty sure ur'se wld have had me kicking some serious butt lol You're great to overcome that, good on ya girl :)

[Hopefullyamumma]

27. Do not by any means plan a holiday with your husband/partner. Even if you only get to see your step child for a few hours once a week. It is far to inconvenient if you have to tell the BM that you can't have the child on your day (even if you give a months notice). Oh and if you do have to go on a holiday, know that it's because BM gave you 'permission'.

28. The above rule will be used against you. BM gave you 'permission' to go on a 'holiday' (even though you went away because someone in your immediate family that lives interstate passed away). And therefore, when she wants to go on a four week vacation and take said step-child, she is allowed to because she 'let' you go to see your family.

29. If your step child hits you, kicks your or anything of the sort, that is ok. They didnt mean it. And if you tell them off for it and they cry, your partner will undermine you and cuddle them and tell them its okay.

30. If your step child does not acknowledge you for the first 3 hours of the total 5 hours you spend with them a week and you are upset by it, you are being silly. And if you reatliate and decide to not pay attention to them for a little while you are just being ridiculous.

[rapidlygrowingbrood]

31. Just remember court orders are just a guide, just don't make any comments if the other parent doesn't follow them. But if you break them all hell will break loose.

32. The children's other family have everyright to call you any sort of word they feel like it. You destroyed their family.

[Ulysses]

33. never hesitate when people ask how many children you have, even though you only see your step child once every fortnight you must always refer to them as your child as soon as you are asked, any hesitation proves you do not love them & wish they did not exist.

34. never comment on how hard you have it, the bm has it much harder than you & the poor children have gone through enough, neither of them need to hear how you are struggling. Refer to earlier rules; you knew what you were getting into when you met him; & the children have suffered too much & we need to compensate (overcompensate)

35. do not discuss your feelings with your partner when you are feeling resentment about the current situation, this will only prove you do not care for his children & are not suited to being a stepmum - it has nothing to do with the fact that everyone has bad days & needs to talk about them, you must remember issues you have with his children are off limits unless he initiates the conversation.

36. always except that when your husband/partner feels guilty about not seeing his child as much as he would like your step child will be given extra gifts, outings & concessions regarding their behaviour.

37. be prepared to change your entire life for those days your step child is with you i.e (a) change what you cook to suit them - why should they learn to eat the foods you like (b) except that you will not be able to watch tv as they will spend most of their day playing xbox or wii (c) be happy about the fact that you will not be able to spend time with your partner as much on these days, he needs to focus on the child & you should be fully accepting of this & never have any negative feelings about it even though you lead a completely different life with him for the remaining 85% of the time.

[TurnedBatty]

Oh yeah wicket, those are good. Especially the last one.

38. Be prepared to always be painted as 'evil', and probably a home wreckerr, even if in actual fact you had nothing to do with their breakup. In fact, you should probably never mention you are a stepmum for fear that all of a sudden, people will see you as a huge cow.

39. Bm is always always always right and you never are. Mother knows best, right?

40. Your life now revolves around nothing more then being a stepmum. Legal issues, child support drama, pick-ups, drop offs.....it wont stop

41. Always pretend you are happy. Never ever show that you may actually be upset about anything in your step-family situation, whether that be the BM or the stepkids or the financial struggles. You will never ever ever ever ever have the same right to whinge as any bm.

42. Worship the ground BM walks on. If you dont, you are a lower member of society.

*sigh* Is it weird that I am a bm and a sm, yet I can relate more to these rules? I was blessed with an awesome SM, but I also would understand if she whinged about me (I would ;)) or about my ds. Nobody is happy 24/7 about life. I just find it a little sad this thread has already been talked about in a not so nice way, because god forbid we should ever actually need to blow off steam and vent. :no: When I read rules in other areas, I often think that it cant be that bad and what a bunch of whingers, but I also understand that I cant possibly understand what they are going through, or that they are just venting and dont think like this 24/7. Think I might see about moving this into our private area. Sad that everyone else can have their rules and not be made to feel bad about what they wrote, and we still cant be given even that. And people wonder why we are bitter?

[babybumblebee]

Don't even think about answering your own home phone without copping an Earful of abuse ... after all she wasn't calling to speak to you so why did you answer the phone and if SD happens to be busy when she calls (in shower or toilet) Well then your the biggest liar going and you and DH are just trying to stop her from speaking to her child.

Ha ha the best one for my house...

Don't ever join the same Video store as BM because she will freak out and tell the kids that your only using that store to put movies on her account :laughing:

[Ulysses]

Oh yeah wicket, those are good. Especially the last one.

38. Be prepared to always be painted as 'evil', and probably a home wreckerr, even if in actual fact you had nothing to do with their breakup. In fact, you should probably never mention you are a stepmum for fear that all of a sudden, people will see you as a huge cow.
r?

love this one, laughing my head off.

I tooooootally agree about moving this to the private area if we can, after yesterday i felt terrible, like someone had sort of invaded our one area where we can be honest about all this stuff - i never see anything on the single parents thread from step mums:p we are like leopars until now i only ever thought there was one or two of us on here.

[HowCrazyCool]

We were all lurking in the shadows, DUH duh DUUHHHH DUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[Lemmings]

Oh these have made me laugh and feel so much better about my role in this family. I thought there was soemthing wrong with me

[RunningWithScissors]

Im crashing in here :p

Im not a step mum, but my kids have one.. I seriously hope I have never made her feel like some of you ladies have been made to feel :(
Some of these ladies sound...ummm.... interesting ...?

Hugs to you all!!

Ill go now hahaha!

[TurnedBatty]

Im crashing in here :p

Im not a step mum, but my kids have one.. I seriously hope I have never made her feel like some of you ladies have been made to feel :(
Some of these ladies sound...ummm.... interesting ...?

Hugs to you all!!

Ill go now hahaha!

Dont worry, these mums are the minority :) I used to be one, until I became a stepmum myself. Feel bad for my sons stepmum now! :laughing: Unfortunately, because we got stuck with the bad ones, we need to let off steam on occasion. Majority are good, but hey, as you said atleast these BM'S are 'interesting' right? lol

[flick82]

If partner has gone to work and you say anything to step child while he is gone e.g. Please don't put your brother (11mths) on the bed and walk away he could hurt himself or what would you like for lunch. The child I's always right and your mean and never feed them. Things always happen the way the child said and you must be lying seeing as they are so upset.


If they don't complete their homework you are pushing them to hard then your own kids. By encouraging them to have a go and not telling them the answer your pushy.

[Hopefullyamumma]

Oh and how could I forget -

As a step-mum you have no right to be worried or feel concern when your step-child is sick. Should they take ill, it is nothing to do with you and you don't need to be notified. Should their illness put them in hospital, you *might* be allowed to visit. But only for half an hour.. And it will be made as uncomfortable as possible for you. But DP can stay for a few hours if he likes. Because, you know, its his son. But step-father can be there all the time, as it's also his son.

And as a carry on to that rule;

If step child has an accident whilst in your care, or has a scratch on their leg when they get home from being with you for the day, you will be scrutinised. If you don't mention it to BM immediately, you will be called as soon as it has been discovered (even if that is the next day, and even if you knew nothing about it as step-child never mentioned it).
However, you shouldn't DARE ask about the burns on your step-childs fingers/the bruise on their arm/the scar on their back.

And if you ever try to implement any rules with step-child you will be completely undermined. For example. If you tell grandma that it is not okay to feed a 2 year old; nuggets and chips from the chippy (you know the deep friend oil filled ones that come wrapped in see-through butchers paper because of the copious amounts of oil); two icy poles; mini chocolate muffins; an unhealthy version of two minute noodles; a can of coke (:eek:) and as much juice as they like.. oh and lets not forget any lollies and chocolates that they want; for lunch, you will be ignored. Especially if you say you have already made lunch for them at home. Besides. It's not unhealthy at all.

It's not okay to be right about anything, and if you are, the fact will be ignored. And if you point it out, you will be told that it would have happened anyway, regardless of what you said.

Don't make any plans for a special day for you, your partner and step-child. It's very likely that you will be called the morning of to be told that you are not allowed to have your step-child that day. Especially if you warn BM about it beforehand.

[Ulysses]

Never expect to be praised for your work as a step parent. You will need to listen to the mother & father of the child talk about what they have sacrficied & gone through however the step parent has no boasting or complaining privileges for their part in the upbringing of the child. After all there is a mothers day & a fathers day where we celebrate theses two roles but there is NO step parents day hence we do not deserve to be praised or thanked.

Expect there to be many people who feel sorry for your step child not having their father in their life as much as other children but no sympathy for your children who want to know why daddy can't play with them today because he has to make up for lost time with his other child.

Let go of any hopes of letting your baby sleep when they need to, you need to be on call for pick up & drop offs for your step Childs extra curricular activities & no these cannot be changed to accommodate your new baby that happens to sleep during these times - the BM has to do & so should you . However revert back to previous rules where you have no parental rights & should realize you are not the parent I.e sacrifice everything just
Ike a parent but forget about being recognized as one, how dare you even think you compare.

[Ulysses]

God, we do have it tough don,t we ladies.

Big :hugs: to you all......we are unsung heroes in my opinion. We are scapegoats & we are often shoved to the side while everyone else gets what they need. For anyone who wants to criticize us I would like them to stand a day in our shoes....imagine if the BM!s had to look after our kids every second week & never complain.....

[Bubbalugs#2]

Never expect to be praised for your work as a step parent. You will need to listen to the mother & father of the child talk about what they have sacrficied & gone through however the step parent has no boasting or complaining privileges for their part in the upbringing of the child. After all there is a mothers day & a fathers day where we celebrate theses two roles but there is NO step parents day hence we do not deserve to be praised or thanked.

Expect there to be many people who feel sorry for your step child not having their father in their life as much as other children but no sympathy for your children who want to know why daddy can't play with them today because he has to make up for lost time with his other child.

Let go of any hopes of letting your baby sleep when they need to, you need to be on call for pick up & drop offs for your step Childs extra curricular activities & no these cannot be changed to accommodate your new baby that happens to sleep during these times - the BM has to do & so should you . However revert back to previous rules where you have no parental rights & should realize you are not the parent I.e sacrifice everything just
Ike a parent but forget about being recognized as one, how dare you even think you compare.

So true...so so true!

[jen023]

You have no right to attend any sporting events at school, help within classroom, go to parent teacher...even if bio mum has never set a foot in the school!!

Even though you have DSS every weekend and all holidays and you pick him up and drop him off almost 2 hours away you have no right to tell centrelink... in case her $$$ goes down...


Girls after reading these I realise how lucky I am now...it wasn't always like this I used to be able to relate to 99% of all posts

[zombiekitty]

life. I just find it a little sad this thread has already been talked about in a not so nice way, because god forbid we should ever actually need to blow off steam and vent. :no: When I read rules in other areas, I often think that it cant be that bad and what a bunch of whingers, but I also understand that I cant possibly understand what they are going through, or that they are just venting and dont think like this 24/7. Think I might see about moving this into our private area. Sad that everyone else can have their rules and not be made to feel bad about what they wrote, and we still cant be given even that. And people wonder why we are bitter?

This.
I found what was said in the other area inflamatory and disgusting!!

[Nicky2006]

People! I wanna gossip too!!! :p Who said what where??? I am blind!

[flick82]

This.
I found what was said in the other area inflamatory and disgusting!!

couldn't agree more.

[TurnedBatty]

Thanks ladies :)

Rule Number something something something: Dont seek medical help for the stepkid/s without Bm. Dont seek legal advice without Bm. Dont even ring and seek advice from a child psychologist without BM. After all, you wanted this shared parenting right? Please Note:This does NOT work in reverse, Bm reserves the right to tell your DH about any medical issues, doctors visits, counselling calls etc weeks maybe even months after it happened.

Rule blah blah: Yes, step-parents have a say in the childs upbringing. BM will tell everyone with pride that their child has four parents. Unless of course you happen to say something she doesnt agree with, then that number is reduced to three. Two if DH also disagrees......

[KimInMellie]

As a half-time stepmum to a 10yo boy, I've been reading this thread with interest and many emphatic nods of agreement. TurnedBatty, I was wondering when the medical thing would come up. Whenever I've used my own judgement to give SS medicine and word has gotten back to BM, DH has been subjected to an interrogation. Never mind that I have a background in health care ... I'm obviously going to poison her son. And oh lord, when I recommended a chiropractor who specialises in children to help sort SS' chronic back pain, boy did that go over well. Even though after two treatments SS happily related that he was feeling much better.

It's a thankless job ... thankfully, things have gotten much better as time has passed. Unfortunately, sometimes you catch grief no matter what you do.

[TurnedBatty]

:yes: Medical can be a big issue. Our latest one was DH getting blasted for calling and seeking advice in order to make the changeovers easier. Bm blew her top because they are supposed to be doing everything together, yet not one phone call that ss was in hospital. Darn shame.

[nuttamum]

love this one, laughing my head off.

I tooooootally agree about moving this to the private area if we can, after yesterday i felt terrible, like someone had sort of invaded our one area where we can be honest about all this stuff - i never see anything on the single parents thread from step mums:p we are like leopars until now i only ever thought there was one or two of us on here.


Hahaha - looks like there's a few of us hey!
how many are shared care?
how many are full time step mums???

im a full timer :-/
(oops..... im not allowed to whinge! lol)

[nuttamum]

You have no right to attend any sporting events at school, help within classroom, go to parent teacher...even if bio mum has never set a foot in the school!!

Even though you have DSS every weekend and all holidays and you pick him up and drop him off almost 2 hours away you have no right to tell centrelink... in case her $$$ goes down...


Girls after reading these I realise how lucky I am now...it wasn't always like this I used to be able to relate to 99% of all posts


I saw your signature. Has you DSS come to love with you? How is it going??

[nuttamum]

Oh ladies.... this has made such a difference to my day!!!! I was really stuggling the last few days.... but to know all of you know EXCTLY what it is like.... ah.... such a relief.
And its all been very funny too!!!!
Thanks so much for this thread
xxxxxx

[Nicky2006]

hey nuttamum, full timer here too!

[flick82]

I'm I shared care mum here. She is week on week off.

[TurnedBatty]

My son is 50/50 with his dad, my step son is here sun-fri every second week. :)

rule blah blah blah- You can have have the kids extra hours when it suits BM (such as needing to go shopping, she has other things to do) but dont bother asking to pick them up an hour early for a family function. Dont forget she has already been generous enough to you both in allowing her children to visit.

[Ollylu]

This thread has made me so happy, I thought I was the only one.

And don't forget when the stepkids are over don't even think about organizing anything for yourself. Hubby might decide he needs a night out, you'll have to babysit.

Infact to all you are the unpaid, unasked babysitter. When BM rings at the last minute saying she can't have the kids back today and Hubby has to start work in an hour, you are expected to step in. Or when shared care arrangements are changed, without your involvement to include you having the sc every Friday night when your partner works, you are expected to end your life and babysit without a word.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

If your step child is sick and you suggest they shouldn't come. You are being totally unreasonable and selfish. It has nothing to do with the fact that you have a 5 week old baby who already has a cold and two other small children who may get sick.

If you feel uncomfortable with the fact that BM still contacts DH's extended family it's YOU with the issues. There is no reason on earth why this should make you feel funny around them.

[Nicky2006]

If your step child is sick and you suggest they shouldn't come. You are being totally unreasonable and selfish. It has nothing to do with the fact that you have a 5 week old baby who already has a cold and two other small children who may get sick.

If you feel uncomfortable with the fact that BM still contacts DH's extended family it's YOU with the issues. There is no reason on earth why this should make you feel funny around them.


AGREED!
Everyone should still blow sugar into BM's *** for the sake of ss! We don't want her to get mad and disappear the remaining 9% out of his life, do we?!

And if your skid is sick, well the baby has to take one for the team! You don't want your baby to catch it?? You are AGAIN prefering your kids to your skid!!!

[Ulysses]

ooh yes those ones are so annoying - forget that you can easily rearrange weekends (the one advantage of not having custody) oh no, your vulnerable new baby will have to risk getting seriously ill even though the BM changes weekends for social reasons & convenience factor for her. But the health of your child is absoloutley no reason to move things around even if it is an option.

And most annoying is when people say, "but what would you do if they lived with you" the answer in short "they dont live with me so i do have the option so who cares what i would do if they did live with m, let's deal with reality".

I had this issue when dsd had whooping cough & i had a 10 week old baby - not happy jan.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

ooh yes those ones are so annoying - forget that you can easily rearrange weekends (the one advantage of not having custody) oh no, your vulnerable new baby will have to risk getting seriously ill even though the BM changes weekends for social reasons & convenience factor for her. But the health of your child is absoloutley no reason to move things around even if it is an option.

And most annoying is when people say, "but what would you do if they lived with you" the answer in short "they dont live with me so i do have the option so who cares what i would do if they did live with m, let's deal with reality".

I had this issue when dsd had whooping cough & i had a 10 week old baby - not happy jan.

Holy gucamole! Are you freakin' serious? Whooping cough is not something to take a risk with! Man oh man that would have been petrifying.

[Ulysses]

yep & you woudnt believe the nasty comments i copped from alot of bubhub memebers saying i didnt love my dsd & that i was choosing my own child over her feelings because i was stopping her seeing him etc while she was still sick. I asked my doctors advice & she said if you have the ability to keep her away then keep her away which is what i did.

I actually contemplated never coming back on this forum after that - it showed me how badly people really feel about step parents, we are definitely demonised alot of the time. There were plenty of people who said i should leave the house for the weekend so dsd could still come over.

[poppyseed]

Oh wicket that's terrible u copped abuse from others on here! Until people really understand what it is like to b a step parent they have no right to make us feel bad about decision we make, especially regarding our own kids (which is what I'm goin to have to get use to very soon)
Thinking of u :)

[TurnedBatty]

Wicket I remember that thread well. :no: I hope you also remember the many people who stood upfor you (myself included) That was a bad thread. Almost in line with yours faroutbrusselsprout

[Ulysses]

Wicket I remember that thread well. :no: I hope you also remember the many people who stood upfor you (myself included) That was a bad thread. Almost in line with yours faroutbrusselsprout

yep i definitely do turnedbatty (& others), it meant so much to me:hugs: - i meant to mention that - we had an incident with the BM while i was writing my posts funnily enough so i was a bit distracted. I will always be grateful to those that backed me up you all made a huge difference to how i felt at the time & it really meant alot. The PM messages & responses that stood up for me made me feel so much better & some really great women like you & others on this thread that stood up for me & i'll never forget that. I did leave bubhub for a little while after that but then i returned as i didnt want it to get the better of me - but i was shocked at how many nasty opinions there were out there about stepmums it actually broke my heart at the time.

Thanks all you ladies who remember that thread & backed me up & those who have sympathised for me going through it at the time - gee, i wish this thread was around then i think i would have pretty much only ever posted in here.

Rule number xyz - never post a step mum question in the general area of a forum unless you are prepared for a sledging.

you are all great:hugs:

[TurnedBatty]

yep i definitely do turnedbatty (& others), it meant so much to me:hugs: - i meant to mention that - we had an incident with the BM while i was writing my posts funnily enough so i was a bit distracted. I will always be grateful to those that backed me up you all made a huge difference to how i felt at the time & it really meant alot. The PM messages & responses that stood up for me made me feel so much better & some really great women like you & others on this thread that stood up for me & i'll never forget that. I did leave bubhub for a little while after that but then i returned as i didnt want it to get the better of me - but i was shocked at how many nasty opinions there were out there about stepmums it actually broke my heart at the time.

Thanks all you ladies who remember that thread & backed me up & those who have sympathised for me going through it at the time - gee, i wish this thread was around then i think i would have pretty much only ever posted in here.

Rule number xyz - never post a step mum question in the general area of a forum unless you are prepared for a sledging.

you are all great:hugs:

:hugs: I read it back, sounded a bit "Oi, I stood up for you!!!" lol. I meant that you shouldnt leave as yes, there are the bad seeds but there are us other stepmums who get it. And the even rarer non stepmum, just plain old regular bubhubber who also gets it. I am glad you are still on the hub.

rule zyx- Don't forget that there IS someone else like you. You just have to know where to look! :)

[Nicky2006]

idiots. Makes you wonder if the other ones are better mums if they apparently wouldn't hesitate to choose someone else's child over their own?! It is a damn pity I missed that thread, I would have punched them all!!

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Wicket I remember that thread well. :no: I hope you also remember the many people who stood upfor you (myself included) That was a bad thread. Almost in line with yours faroutbrusselsprout

Yikes! Don't remind me! It was bluddy awful. I'm so glad there is so many of you now that totally understand. It makes a huge difference. ((()))

Another rule (wicket reminded me if this one!)
You always have to play hypotheticals with ANYONE that's willing to comment on your situation such as
a) what about if dh didn't love YOUR son?
b) what about if bm died? And then SS had to live with you?
c) would you still keep in contact with SS if DH died?
Etc etc etc etc etc
Note - do not answer them honestly! You must construct your answer to please all others around you.

[Nicky2006]

pfff... I never expected dh to love my son, tbh I don't even know if he does, doesn't matter either. But everyone naturally expected me to love ss. Just not happening.
If bm was dead it would be tragic in many ways...
If dh was dead I would most def not have any contact with ss. I only have the contact because of dh.
Oh sorry, these were the honest ones. Hahaha

[Lemmings]

I wonder why just because we become step parents we're expected to do the most unnatural thing on the planet and put someone else before our babies?

[confusd]

Yikes! Don't remind me! It was bluddy awful. I'm so glad there is so many of you now that totally understand. It makes a huge difference. ((()))

Another rule (wicket reminded me if this one!)
You always have to play hypotheticals with ANYONE that's willing to comment on your situation such as
a) what about if dh didn't love YOUR son?
b) what about if bm died? And then SS had to live with you?
c) would you still keep in contact with SS if DH died?
Etc etc etc etc etc
Note - do not answer them honestly! You must construct your answer to please all others around you.


Im not a SM, i have no reason to be in this section apart from it came up and i read it :wave:

But why on earth would people ask such horrid and negative questions? Would you still contact SS if DH died? What kind of a question is that? im sure its exactly what every step mum sit up at night pondering :rolleyes:

You ladies are awesome!

[KimInMellie]

Thanks, confusd :)

Rule $%&*: The BM has the right to inspect her child's living quarters at Dad's & SM's. (Dad is, of course, not extended the same right.)

Rule &#^: BM also has the right to dictate, on a 3-week OS trip to see SM's family, which of SM's relatives are fit to babysit s-kid for an hour or two occasionally (which would be NONE of them according to BM). Dad is not capable of exercising his own judgement in such cases.

(My SS' mum tried both of these things when negotiating our court agreement. We respectfully refused.)

Half-time stepmum here - week on/week off.

[poppyseed]

Thanks, confusd :)

Rule $%&*: The BM has the right to inspect her child's living quarters at Dad's & SM's. (Dad is, of course, not extended the same right.)

So true, when DH and I first moved into together we talked to the bm about overnite visits....well, excuse me! DH got the whole - "I don't even know her (me) how can I let my kids stay there?" DH just turned around and said "what about when u go and stay at ur bf's house with them or when they sleep over at friends houses?" duh, bloody frustrating!!!!

[Ulysses]

Rule# bm is allowed to comment on how she feels we should deal with certain situations such as letting dsd go to social events with friends instead of our weekend visit however we do not have the same right in return, how dare we think we can comment on how she deals with certain situations after all she is the mum & we are not her full time family.

Had bm drop off dsd last night (she was meant to be with us) as she took dsd with her to her friends house who also has a daughter then proceeded to tell dh in a condescending tone (with no provocation) when she dropped her off that we NEED to realize dsd wants to see her friends & we should just accept that & let her instead of getting upset that it cuts into our time (dsd must have told her dh was upset w her on the phone when she asked if she could go with her mum, with her mum in the background coaxing her) I had to hold myself back as we let her go to social stuff with friends 90% of the time she asks even when bm organizes social stuff for her during our weekends, & the fact that we only see her on the weekends. For once Dh stood up to her & told her she had no right to say that when her situation is totally different. So now we are proposing increasing our access to have more weeknights to accommodate for all the missed time on weekends. I could hear her making comments to dh about how that means I will have to drive her around etc....derrrrrrrrrr....but I hate people who make comments about you when they know you are in ear shot.

[Backflip]

Thank you all so much for a laugh- I am a 40/60 step mum to two kids and I sat nodding my head at so many of the rules :yelclap:

[TurnedBatty]

I am so glad I started this thread :yes: and dont feel bad anymore, especially if it makes people laugh:)

[Backflip]

TB I rarely venture out of the IVF section of this forum as the rest of it 'scares' me.

I was 36 wks pg with my IVF baby after a MC, and BM sent the kids over for their visit- DSD gets in the car coughing and says "oh I have SWINE FLU" I nearly jumped out the car to go beat up BM :freakingout:
She sent them over when they had chicken pox- poor dsd had them everywhere (I mean everywhere) and she hadn't been to a doctor.
DSS currently has a sore on his leg, BM says it's a white tail spider bite...:rolleyes:


One rule I can think of is don't ever ever *think* that you love your children more than the SK's.

Those people who say they love them all the same are either better people than me or liars. :rolleyes: I love them, but no matter what anyone says, it's not the same. It just isn't.

[spoon]

Rule: Do not under any circumstances plan to move closer to a university that is only one of three in Australia who offers the masters you wish to undertake. Even if this move is what will be best for the rest of the children who live with your husband and your self. It is unthinkable that you will be further from the child who has become a spy and is the link to the hostile toxic bio mother, and does not wish to see you anymore. It is just plain evil to want a life and achieve some goals that are what your husband and you want in life. Evil.

[KimInMellie]

TB I rarely venture out of the IVF section of this forum as the rest of it 'scares' me.
:yes: I know what you mean! I've only recently begun to get a bit more brave ...

WOW on the swine flu story. DSS is prone to respiratory ailments and I'm terrified he will get whooping cough this year, while my soon-to-be newborn is very susceptible. DH is taking SS for a booster vax next week (along with himself). Not telling BM until after the deed is done. I don't know if she'd object or not - SS was fully vaxxed according to schedule - but it's non-negotiable to me, and if there's going to be drama over it I'd rather limit it to the after, rather than the before AND after.

[Backflip]

Good idea- the whooping cough vax only lasts for 10 yrs, so wise to get DSS done too.

She didn't end up having swine flu, it was mother diagnosed, but the fact she happily sent her over anyway knowing I was heavily pg made me furious!:banghead:

[2plusbaby]

I just wanna say your all doing a great job, SM and BM included. It is not easy AT ALL, to send your child to say with Dad and the new... SM. Never liked the term to be honest. I'm your Mum not her... (sorry little vent)... she didnt raise you, she is there when you visit your father... Hardly the same...

On the other hand I am a SM too. However BM died when he was just 7 months old, so he has no memory of her. And I am his SM by his choice, you can see above how I feel about it so it was NEVER a forced thing!!

As a SM I find I give exceptions to him that I dont give my own. I really try very very hard to be as equal as I possibly can. I love him to bits, I feel most of the time he is mine, but he still get exceptions. SS suffers from Aspergers Syndrome, so is difficult as the best of time... now his a teenager, young for his age and OMG has the attitude started... TBH if my bio son spoke to me like the way my SS does I would smack his mouth... but I dont... I almost feel I dont have the right... ALthough I am one of his primary carers (along with his Dad).

Don't get me wrong, smacking is not something that is practiced in our household, however enough is enough. We have tried EVERYTHING we and the parenting group we went to could think of... reward, punishment, talking it out, writing it down, this action = this consquence... all to no avail... SS is close to 6ft tall and has no trouble "throwing his weight around". I will not be constantly disrespected from anyone, DF never speaks that way - especially not towards me, so I certainly don't expected it from SS. Bio son is starting to copy... makes me so angry.

anyway that ended up being a little of a vent... sorry!!

RULE for SM: Don't ever think your doing enough... your not the "REAL" parent, enough is never enough... more is expected for the same level of respect.

[spoon]

:wave:2plusbaby. I must say, I have never wanted or tried to be my step daughters mother and would never want to be. I think many bio mothers get a bit paranoid about that stuff to be honest. I have my own children to look after and do not expect to be treated like cr@p by a guest in my house, and that is what she is.

[poppyseed]

:wave:2plusbaby. I must say, I have never wanted or tried to be my step daughters mother and would never want to be. I think many bio mothers get a bit paranoid about that stuff to be honest. I have my own children to look after and do not expect to be treated like cr@p by a guest in my house, and that is what she is.

Yep, when I came onto the scene and it became obvious that the girls adored me, they got a talking to from their mother "she will never be ur mother!" HELLO!!! I don't want to b, as much as she is an idiot she does do a pretty good job with them. I also try and think how I wld feel and I wldnt like some young woman trying to b my kids mum, so why wld I do it to her??? I found out she said this because one of the girls just said it randomly one day, I turned around and said "that's ok I don't want to b ur mum, U've already got a good one!" - took alot for me to say it nicely lol ;)

[2plusbaby]

:laughing: I bet saying it so nicely was a little of a challenge! I was just saying in my own experience with bio sons father, any woman he happened to be seeing at the time, son would come home with the SM and step brothers and sisters implanted in his head... annoying!!!

Even now with my own step son we let the kids decide for themselves, he decide I was his SM and my bio son decided that he had a step brother.

Blended families can be such a challenge some days!! Your all amazing, blended families or not:)

[poppyseed]

:laughing: I bet saying it so nicely was a little of a challenge! I was just saying in my own experience with bio sons father, any woman he happened to be seeing at the time, son would come home with the SM and step brothers and sisters implanted in his head... annoying!!!

Yea that wld suck :(

[Crazyfamily]

this has made me feel better about myself. we only have sd part time but it istill an issue (not the child, the bm) i wish i could print out these "rules". would love to put them up for everyone to read. i really need a printer.

[MummyCharmzy]

I LOVE this thread, there is just sooooo much I can relate to! lol

[TurnedBatty]

rule whoblardycares: You will always always ALWAYS be last in the pecking order of whose thoughts and feelings and life plans matter. It goes BM, then SF, then DH and then if you are lucky, you. More likely then not it will be BM's other kids (sometimes before DH), Stepkids, your kids (with DH and from previous), the dog, the cat, the next door neighbour, and then finally you.

[erinn]

:iagree: with every single post here!

[LCEB Mummy]

Hehehe.

I love these rules. I am a sm to 2 dsd and bm to 2 dd, 1 from previous marriage and 1 from this marriage.

:D

[smilewithme]

Wow thank you ladys, i almost cried reading this. It is so nice to know that i am not the only one.

I do love my ss but some times it is hard to do so much for him and get such disrespect in your own home, for him to tell me son that he hates me and to say i am a silly fat lady. Just ignore me if he is in a mood. But it is because he has it hard.

Never expect common courtesy to be something we try and teach and enforce because bm does not seem to care.

[ourbradybunch]

Ha Lucky for me DP & BM my DP filters what comes thru to me from BM.
However DPs family continually point out to me I'm not the mother, I have no say, BM has all the cards & makes all the rules.
Drives me nuts considering BM isn't a particularly organized on top of stuff parent soooo I do LOTS of running around, drs dentist specialist swimming dancing & GOD forbid I expect BM to quit complaining she has no money & go get a JOB.

Thru it all I grin & bear it while going crazy inside. BUT my SD does make it all worth it, I just figure I never had the discomfort of pregnancy or the pain of labour THIS crap is my PAIN:-D

[Ulysses]

If BM has organized lessons or tutors you have to follow her routine in your week. BUT if you organize some dance classes for dsd don't expect the bm to take her to them on her week, after all it doesn't fit in with her schedule. It's so one sided.... We have to tow the line with whatever she booked in before we started doing one week on one week off, but when we try to organize some classes for dsd then suddenly the bm decides she doesn't have to do the stuff we organize....I forgot it only works ine way.

[poppyseed]

Be allowed to be manipulated and deceived by BM about her financial situation (that effects cm and centrelink) and then find out thru the kids that she's actually lying and then act like u don't know because u don't want the kids to "get in trouble" for mentioning it or don't want to get annoyed infront of the kids because it's not their fault their mother is a lier!!!

[Renoirxx]

Oh I love this thread. I soo wanna make DH read this but I think that might be against the rules.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Oh I love this thread. I soo wanna make DH read this but I think that might be against the rules.

Lol!! Of course it is! We aren't allowed to actually tell anyone how we really feel. Goodness what would everyone think if we made these rules go public, there would be an outcry!
We are a secret society and it must remain that way, to keep everyone else happy.

[Renoirxx]

I just wanted to say a big happy happy overjoyed happy wicked stepmothers day for Sunday. I am so looking forward to my usual highly anticipated gift of sweet FA. Again happy happy oh who cares! Lol

[poppyseed]

I just wanted to say a big happy happy overjoyed happy wicked stepmothers day for Sunday. I am so looking forward to my usual highly anticipated gift of sweet FA. Again happy happy oh who cares! Lol

Haha love it! So bloody true.

[Renoirxx]

I must not become irritated on Tuesday when the skids don't get here till Saturday. Oh it's going to be a fun fun fun weekend I can feel it coming in my bones. :-(

[siansmum]

I must not become irritated on Tuesday when the skids don't get here till Saturday. Oh it's going to be a fun fun fun weekend I can feel it coming in my bones. :-(

Yep, can relate to this one. On the weekends the step kids are with us, I'm always worked up and dreading it by Wednesday. Just know that it's going to be loads of extra work for me, with no thanks from either them or their dad. The weekend before last, our 4 year old daughter was taken to hospital on the Friday morning by ambulance. She spent all weekend in there and in between being with her, I was at home looking after our 8 month old AND hosting a sleep over for 9 girls for step daughter's 17th birthday. When I suggested to my husband that maybe we could postpone it until the following fortnight when daughter would be out of hospital, I was told ,"no" because it wouldn't be fair to 17 year old. Absolutely no thought about how tired I was from worry and running back and forth to RCH. Must remember that his daughters ALWAYS come before my welfare. Grrr!!!

[Ulysses]

Yep, can relate to this one. On the weekends the step kids are with us, I'm always worked up and dreading it by Wednesday. Just know that it's going to be loads of extra work for me, with no thanks from either them or their dad. The weekend before last, our 4 year old daughter was taken to hospital on the Friday morning by ambulance. She spent all weekend in there and in between being with her, I was at home looking after our 8 month old AND hosting a sleep over for 9 girls for step daughter's 17th birthday. When I suggested to my husband that maybe we could postpone it until the following fortnight when daughter would be out of hospital, I was told ,"no" because it wouldn't be fair to 17 year old. Absolutely no thought about how tired I was from worry and running back and forth to RCH. Must remember that his daughters ALWAYS come before my welfare. Grrr!!!

that is just unfair - i mean a child being in the hospital is the paramount concern. I had a similar issue when my ten week old baby had just gotten out of hospital after suffering from RSV& my husband secretly went to see my stepdaughter because it was fathers day even though she had whooping cough? SO he put our daughter at risk becuase he didnt want her to feel bad - that was the final straw for me & now i put my foot down. Astep family is like any other family, if a child is in hospital then the other kids need to rally round, support mum & dad & out of respect for their ill sibling at least wait until they are out of hospital until they have a party. I know how you must of felt - its hard feeling like you are playing second fiddle but when you also have kids its your childs right to feel an equal member of the family - sometimes it seems step kids get considered much more to compensate for the fact they dont live with their dads etc. I hope things even out a little in your family - they have done in mine & sometimes it takes events to make a change. :)

[Lettabean]

24. Dont ever forget that your stepchilds half-siblings at BM's will always count for more and be more important then any half siblings at their dads, step-siblings are counted even lower.

LOVE THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lettabean]

The part I hate the most is that I have been in my SD's life for 7 years and the BM partners always have more say than I ever have. And some of them havent been in her life for long. Also not being told of school stuff and just stuff like that. Hubby and I have to nag to get copies of school reports since we are now in aussie and they are in nz

[mummykitty]

Thanks for the laugh :)

Rule no ## never never encourage bd to fight for his child, your motives can't possibly be for the best interest of the child there must be something in it for you if you care so much if you care at all you are clearly just pretending and shouldn't bother as everyone can see right through you!

[Lettabean]

Rule # ?? dont ever tell step child you wish they lived with you and dad and their sister as all hell will break loose and all you are doing is hurting the child and being selfish. Now said child is torn between both houses. Because birth mother automatically deserves child and father should never be allowed child

[Lettabean]

Also birth mothers extended family will always be way more important than birth father and step mother and sister.

[Lettabean]

Also any man in step child's life will always be more important and let to make more decisions than birth father. Any decisions on school etc will be made by birth mother and her new partner rather than consulting dad.

[Lettabean]

And lastly birth mothers new partner of one year will always have more say in child's life than birth fathers wife who has been involved in child's life for 7 years and has alway loved her as her own and has helped birth mother when needed.

[Lettabean]

Oh wait one more. If step mum loves the child as her own she is automatically trying to take birth mothers place. If she doesn't love her the same as her own she obviously hates the child and wants to get rid of her. If she creates a room for step child at her house and decorates it it's because she is trying to steal her from her mother not just because she doesn't want said child to feel excluded from her household and wants her to feel a part of her house too

[ourbradybunch]

Lettabean maybe we share the same stepchild, your story sounds familiar:-)

[Ulysses]

Lettabean & our brady bunch - we have a social group for step mums - not sure how to send you an invite, but maybe somebody else knows.

Another rule - step mum will always remind child of the fathers birthday & ensure a present & card are prepared but the same doesnt apply to the step mum - she is not the real parent so why should she get a birthday present even though she most likely organises stepchilds present, party & birthday activities while in her home.

Can anyone tell i didnt get anything for my birthday from dsd - not happy Jan.....she is 13 so she is old enough to know better.

[Lettabean]

I love this thread :) gives me a chance to vent a little :)

[Lettabean]

Don't ever refer to yourself and husband having two kids between us as it makes it sound like you are trying to take mothers place. You can't win! I love my step daughter and have been around for 7 years since she was 2 so she is like mine too. If I treated her and my biological differently i would be the wicked step mum but cause i treat them the same I am trying I take over her mothers place. Can't fricken win!!!

[ourbradybunch]

Lettabean I say that all the time to everyone, I don't even care who thinks what anymore, I'm even happy to say my SD is my FAVOURITE baby coz I didn't have to be pregnant with her, I bet her momma likes that;-P

[Lettabean]

That line is awesome!! Will def have to keep that one in the memory bank!!!!

[siansmum]

Lettabean & our brady bunch - we have a social group for step mums - not sure how to send you an invite, but maybe somebody else knows.
Another rule - step mum will always remind child of the fathers birthday & ensure a present & card are prepared but the same
doesnt apply to the step mum - she is not the real parent so why should she get a birthday present even though she most
likely organises stepchilds present, party & birthday activities while in her home.

Can anyone tell i didnt get anything for my birthday from dsd - not happy Jan.....she is 13 so she is old enough to know better.

Yep, can totally relate to this one! My husband's daughters are 17 and 15. We have been married almost 6 years and I have never received a birthday or Christmas present from them!

[Ulysses]

Yep, can totally relate to this one! My husband's daughters are 17 and 15. We have been married almost 6 years and I have never received a birthday or Christmas present from them!

siansmum - at least we are not alone. That is really terrible isnt it - sometimes i am tempted to see what happens if i forget her birthday. If it happens again next year i am going to say something to her - she needs to understand how it effects me. Same for mothers day - its just a nice gesture for them to think of us on mothers day, afterall we have to sacrifice things just like a mum does.

[siansmum]

I must admit that I actually don't want a gift from them on Mother's Day as I have my own two children who give me beautiful cards and gifts, and so getting a gift from my husband's daughters would make me feel very uncomfortable. Mother's Day is a special day that I just want to share with my children.
However, a small gift on my birthday and on Christmas Day would be nice. I've never claimed to be the girls' mum (they have a mum who I don't get along with, but that's another story), but I would see them giving me a gift on my birthday and on Christmas Day as a thank you for all I do for them. Bit hard to stomach them giving their dad a present on Christmas Day every year in
front of me and nothing for me!

[Atropos]

can i just say what a mixed pleasure it's been reading this entire thread.:laughing: i say mixed because i'm so glad i'm not the only one but at the same time i wish no one had to go through all this- I have one DD (8 y.o) from a prev r/ship and 2 s-kids aged 7 and 9- DH and I have been together since kids were 2,3,4. i love my step kids, but their BM is a constant thorn in my side. when I say thorn, it's about a foot long and it's just the level of being in my side that varies- but it's always there. whatever i say to the kids, it's always wrong. even asking them to be more respectful to their father is wrong. treating them for massive headlice infestation (that she was told about and ignored)- wrong. giving them panadol for fevers- wrong. being upset with her for TWICE trying to get DH back in the first few months of our r/ship is also apparently wrong. BM's new DH is more important that BD. BM's new kid is more important than all of us. BM's new kid even takes precedence, making them miss their activities CONSTANTLY because she is just too tired/over it. We've offered to take them but apparently BM finds making a phone call/sms too hard too. **rant over**:crying:
basically, you ladies have made my day- not alone yay!:cheerleader2:

[Kyls79]

:celebrate:

Thankyou thankyou thankyou!! Wonderful BM's and SM's of this thread. I think I was nearly wetting my pants from laughing so hard at one point.

I am both a BM and a SM and totally relate to all of this.

I am SM to a beautiful 3 and a half year old, and have been step mummy to her since she was 7 months old and all of the above 'rules' are just so spot on.

Hugs to all of you for making my day. Please keep this thread alive! xox

[Lettabean]

Welcome kyls :)

[Atropos]

Kyls- sounds like we have to contend with very similar BM's!! It's nice to know I'm not the only one :)

[happygirl1982]

so i get told all the time "hes not child he has a mother its not your problem" EXCEPT for today when she wanted her own way.

she got death by text msg, turned my phone and let her deal with it.


why cant we all just get along.

my dp asked me if i would be ok with my dss when we got together and of course i said yes. who knew it wasnt all roses and fun times.

[Lovemyfam]

Do not complain about having to pay CS when your DP does not ever get to see the child(ren) just pay up and shut up, the BM has every right to not let your DP see his kids.

[happygirl1982]

Why isn't life easy :(

[ourbradybunch]

Why isn't life easy :(

I feel the same today BUT BM doesn't know I have a stubborn nature & won't back down:-)

[Lettabean]

Man I so feel like that. Step daughter is over here for the holidays and even though we always send back stuff for step daughters other brothers and sisters amd mum and step daf the same never gets done not even a happy birthday for her sister here. Also have felt like I have to watch what I say to step daughter as BM will turn everything I say around. When step daughter told me she isn't allowed to tell us stuff I got annoyed as we aren't allowed anything in our house to be a secret but BM can. Also she Is moving towns and told other kids dad but couldn't tell step daughters dad which I fin ridiculous.

[Lettabean]

We also had family photos done of us all and I think her birth mum and family are annoyed at us as they dot consider us step daughters family the same way they are.
Meh I still won't change being nice to them as I will never stoop to their level. Step daughter will grow up to realize we don't bad mouth her mum like they do to us and hopefully she will respect us for that

[Lettabean]

I love having step daughter here but have had so many life isn't fair moments this week. Have cried myself to sleep a few times about the hole situation. So much more I could say but it would take too long lol

[Lovemyfam]

I love having step daughter here but have had so many life isn't fair moments this week. Have cried myself to sleep a few times about the hole situation. So much more I could say but it would take too long lol

:hugs:

[ourbradybunch]

I love having step daughter here but have had so many life isn't fair moments this week. Have cried myself to sleep a few times about the hole situation. So much more I could say but it would take too long lol

I understand how you feel but all I can offer is hugs, have no advise at all:-(

[Atropos]

I love having step daughter here but have had so many life isn't fair moments this week. Have cried myself to sleep a few times about the hole situation. So much more I could say but it would take too long lol

Hugs to you :( it's so hard :(

[Lettabean]

Hardest part is loving the child as your own an always having to fight to be included. BM of step daughter doesn't really like her spending time with my family and they have known her since she was 2 and is now almost 10 BUT her partner of one years dead wife's parents are allowed to spend anytime they want with her.

[Lettabean]

If that made sense? And my family are good people too

[Lettabean]

Well step daughter has gone home. I know it's gonna sound stupid but my heart broke when she left. I know she's not my daughter but I love her as if she was and this is the third holiday since we've moved here and her third visit but this time her leaving just broke my heart! Man this sucks so much. Everyone said it would get easier but it hasn't, it just get harder!

[jess_live_die]

i dnt get to see my step kids it always has to be on mother trems and what she can milk dh for b4 he gets to see them ****es me right off its like atm were surrporting his kids our family plus her and her new bf like hello get a job fair enough his kids but not her and teh bf too

[Lovemyfam]

i dnt get to see my step kids it always has to be on mother trems and what she can milk dh for b4 he gets to see them ****es me right off its like atm were surrporting his kids our family plus her and her new bf like hello get a job fair enough his kids but not her and teh bf too

This is why I wish you could just buy what the kids need up to the amount your support should be. If custodial parent didnt have to buy clothes, uniforms, and stuff like that then the other money can go to bills and the childs needs are still being met.

[jess_live_die]

this stupid one rings us up oh i dnt have money for nappies umm hello u just got paid hoe did u not get nappies and b4 me and dh got together i used to send time with her coz i felt sorry for her and he'd give her say $100 and shed go buy credit and takeaway and clothes for herself but no one cent went on the kids and i used to get so bloody mad coz i had been best mates with dh snice year 3 and then she sooks and complans her 3 year old cos to much in nappies yet wnt toilet train her when we see her which is often atm coz she ha control of dh with seeing his kids while we wait for the bloody courts to hurry up shes fine going to the toilet at our house yet we get her in nappies and they must have been left on the kids for hours coz its comming out the sides they smeel so bad when i 1st fell pregnant i could have them near me til they had been bathed they made me ill just the smell i cnt believe some people can live like that and not even care theres anther thing we took the kids to a party about 5 weeks ago we said please have them bathed and dressed we were picking them up and going striaght to the party she goes well i cnt i dnt have clothes for them are you FNing kidding me u take all opur bloody clothes and NEVER give them back so we are forever buying clothes to replace the ones u take.

[Lovemyfam]

this stupid one rings us up oh i dnt have money for nappies umm hello u just got paid hoe did u not get nappies and b4 me and dh got together i used to send time with her coz i felt sorry for her and he'd give her say $100 and shed go buy credit and takeaway and clothes for herself but no one cent went on the kids and i used to get so bloody mad coz i had been best mates with dh snice year 3 and then she sooks and complans her 3 year old cos to much in nappies yet wnt toilet train her when we see her which is often atm coz she ha control of dh with seeing his kids while we wait for the bloody courts to hurry up shes fine going to the toilet at our house yet we get her in nappies and they must have been left on the kids for hours coz its comming out the sides they smeel so bad when i 1st fell pregnant i could have them near me til they had been bathed they made me ill just the smell i cnt believe some people can live like that and not even care theres anther thing we took the kids to a party about 5 weeks ago we said please have them bathed and dressed we were picking them up and going striaght to the party she goes well i cnt i dnt have clothes for them are you FNing kidding me u take all opur bloody clothes and NEVER give them back so we are forever buying clothes to replace the ones u take.

Sounds like a real winner, are you guys going for full custody? I would she sounds horrible

[mum2amelia]

Yep i can relate, BM has never had full custody of my 3 stepkids, shes never paid a cent in child support, my DF and i work 3 jobs between us to help raise them and our own DD, we too have one on the way, they visit her one night a fortnight! That was HER request!! Cant even have them for the entire school holidays, it has to be half half, then she crys victim to her friends by saying we have stolen them from her! She is such a pathological liar! It drives me nuts that she constantly lies all the time, SS just turned 12 on Tuesday, still no present for him, or even as much as a phone call, but yet it sickens me when people shes manipulated believe that we stole her children from her and we've made life sooooo difficult for her!! Boo hoo shes the one that had multiple affairs including having one with her own stepdad!!! Im so sick of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in her life, shes now even trying to get in contact with DF family!! Shes never even liked them let alone wanted to catch up with them, i mean what the?? Why would she start this now, seriously this has been going on for nearly 8 years!!!!! Why cant she just live her own life and stop meddling in ours! Rule no. ...... Dont ever think for a second that BM will eventually move on with her life, her only priority is to make your lives as miserable as humanly possible, even at the expence of her own children, she will use them as leverage to get whatever she can out of you, whether it be by no child support, not seeing them for a whole year, complain that your a b*tch and home wrecker etc.. But yet have absolutley no problems whatsoever in having you raise her children for her, she can be as hypocritical as she likes, but dont let it get under your skin, its exactly what she wants, just keep on smiling coz at the end of the day u will never be as pathetic as she is:)

[Lettabean]

Awwwww hugs! That sucks!

[Lettabean]

Is it selfish of me to sometimes think hey she has four other kids plus sd so why can't sd live with us when we only have one?

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Is it selfish of me to sometimes think hey she has four other kids plus sd so why can't sd live with us when we only have one?

Yeah... It is kinda. It's still her child despite how many other kids she may have...
That would be like DS1's dad saying that DS1 should live with him because I have two others and he has none...?

[Lettabean]

Yeah I do get it's selfish but bm seems to consider sd's brothers and sisters at that house are more important than the sister she has at ours

[august]

,,,,,,

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Yeah I do get it's selfish but bm seems to consider sd's brothers and sisters at that house are more important than the sister she has at ours

I understand that it would be hard. You sound like a great step mum. She is very lucky.

[Stumbleine]

I know ive said it before, but I promise it gets easier :) Once the child moves out of home or gets a job and has some independence you deal with BM less and less and more with the child directly. When the child gets a licence or independence to catch the bus or train by themselves they can come and see you whenever they want and not on BM terms!

It comes around quicker than you think :) My step son moved out of his home away to work in another state only 3 weeks ago and that has been 3 weeks of bliss of not receiving ONE call from BM but lots and lots and lots from step son :) Its awesome!

A few years ago I would have been posting and feeling exactly like all of you ladies :yes:

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Definately gets easier in that respect, SS now catches the train which is so much better and he only ever comes when he wants too as he is so busy now with mates and sport etc.

[Stumbleine]

Definately gets easier in that respect, SS now catches the train which is so much better and he only ever comes when he wants too as he is so busy now with mates and sport etc.

:laughing: Yes I remember when SS sat DH down and had the chat with him about not wanting to come over every friday and saturday night anymore...

[Lettabean]

I understand that it would be hard. You sound like a great step mum. She is very lucky.

thanks heaps :) I try, sd always leaves her holidays with us taking home a half suitcase of presents for her family and brothers and sister at bm's house. this time i also took her to buy her dad and sister here a present too as miss 5 has just started to pick up that sd doesnt ever do that and it upset her a bit.

this thread has been amazing when i am feeling blue :)

[ElleB]

OMG! This thread has just been a lifeline! There's other people just like me!

We have SD 12 days per fortnight. I only work part time to be able to run her around to psychology/speech/swimming/ot etc and receive nothing but abuse from BM.

SD is not quite7 but I'm pretty sure her mums retarded as well as being a pathological liar as there is no way in hell she can be sane!!

Trying not to stress over SD's atrocious bad behaviour at present (because BM has told her that I hate her) and that's without her knowing I'm 8.5 weeks PG...

Won't that be a fun convo... Even though BM has three other kids to two other men, somehow I'll come out of this being the s**t! Lol.

Oh happy days... Well know that DP has dealt with SD's temper tantrum and she's in bed I think I feel well enough to leave my bedroom!

Enjoy your night lovely ladies!!


Lil Fetasaurus due 2 June 2012

Sent from my iPhone using Bub Hub

[mum2amelia]

Oh August is it wrong of me to feel relieved that im not alone! Lol its such a shame that there seems to be so much more emphasis on the deadbeat dads but not alot on deadbeat mums, and we all know they are out there! These woman should of been sterilised at birth, DF ex wife should never had been allowed to breed, she does not give a crap about these kids, only uses them to play the victim card to her friends or to get something out of DF, though that hasnt happened much at all in the last 5 years as DSS 12 who is the youngest came to live with us, so she can't use him as a weapon to get what she wants anymore, also the older 2 DSS 20 and DSD 17 very rarely visit her anymore now that they have caught on to how she is, kids are not stupid. DSD asked BM if she was going to come to her year 12 graduation and BM said no sorry i can't make it! It does not surprise me at all:( hugs to all the terrific stepmums doing the best job they can in difficult circumstances:)

[Lovemyfam]

Oh August is it wrong of me to feel relieved that im not alone! Lol its such a shame that there seems to be so much more emphasis on the deadbeat dads but not alot on deadbeat mums, and we all know they are out there! These woman should of been sterilised at birth, DF ex wife should never had been allowed to breed, she does not give a crap about these kids, only uses them to play the victim card to her friends or to get something out of DF, though that hasnt happened much at all in the last 5 years as DSS 12 who is the youngest came to live with us, so she can't use him as a weapon to get what she wants anymore, also the older 2 DSS 20 and DSD 17 very rarely visit her anymore now that they have caught on to how she is, kids are not stupid. DSD asked BM if she was going to come to her year 12 graduation and BM said no sorry i can't make it! It does not surprise me at all:( hugs to all the terrific stepmums doing the best job they can in difficult circumstances:)

Its because some people will always see women as victims and men as deadbeat perps

[Nic298]

Rule- You may be 32 weeks pregnant, in a lot of pain, tired and just in need of a cuddle, but don't get jealous when your stepson gets to fall asleep in your husbands arms and you are pushed to the edge of the couch... he misses his mum, hates visiting your house and therefore needs comforting. It is not a competition between you and your stepsons and you are the adult, so start acting like it.

Rule - You and your husband may be struggling financially and may still need to buy clothes and equipment for your baby due in 8 weeks, but don't even think about getting cross when your step son opens the $100 train set you bought for his birthday, starts crying and says "I don't like it and I don't want to play with it, I just want you to take me to McDonalds now."

Rule - BM may have threatened to kill you and your unborn child and called the police, accusing your husband of assault when he stopped her from attacking you in your own home, but don't even consider being anything but friendly and polite the next time you see her.

Rule - Don't even think of asking your mother-in-law to babysit her own grandsons on the night of your wedding, so that you and your new husband can spend one night alone in a hotel.... If you choose to marry someone with children "you should be prepared to care for them, no matter what the occassion is."

But my favourite has already been mentioned... Don't ever complain, you knew he had kids when you met him!!!!!

[Jennaisme]

(Thankfully, I woke up to myself before I married this priceless gem. But, anyway.)

Ruler number 1762937: Despite the fact that you are the reason DP
A) Get his son to sleep.
B) Get his son fed.
C) Actually spend TIME with his son.
D) Did NOT hand is son over to his grandparents for the one time he's seen the boy in four months.
E) Actually boots his **** and made him pay more child support than he was.
F) Booted his **** to enquire about the welfare of his son, who was in the effing HOSPITAL.
G) Got him to act like a father in general, for that matter.
H) Never ever held any resentment toward SS.

You will always, without fail, be the horrible SM who destroys lives, etc etc. - -; Despite Dp and BM never having been in an actual relationship, and don't you DARE be in the car during drop off, or remember that you left a dummy chain at your house. You will still bbe the most horrible woman on the bloody planet.

[emmiejayne]

My DP and I live together and he has full custody of his 2 kiddies .. They have recently started having supervised over night stays (first one was Xmas night ) and I missed them sooo much, was great when they got
Home (:

I thought 4 kids would be tricky, but
I am loving it and wouldn't change it
For anything

[biscuit1]

Hi ladies, I am Step-Mum to DSD (8) and DSS (7) and have DS (15m) with my DH of 6 yrs. To say we have issues with my Dh's ex is an understatement. Just wondering if anyone is still using this thread orif anyone could direct me to a thread where I can talk about some of the things we are facing? TIA

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Hi ladies, I am Step-Mum to DSD (8) and DSS (7) and have DS (15m) with my DH of 6 yrs. To say we have issues with my Dh's ex is an understatement. Just wondering if anyone is still using this thread orif anyone could direct me to a thread where I can talk about some of the things we are facing? TIA

Definitely try and PM a mod (maybe Pegasus) to the step parenting private area.
Your welcome to post in the forum under step/blended families section but you will receive lots of 'great' advice from people who have no idea what it's like to be an adult in a step family situation.

[biscuit1]

Thank you so much.

[Lemmings]

There's a private area???

beamed down from my Samsung galaxy s2

[faroutbrusselsprout]

There's a private area???

beamed down from my Samsung galaxy s2

It's just a social group.

[Lemmings]

Ohhh ok i got excited thinking they may have made us an area lol

beamed down from my Samsung galaxy s2

[Lovemyfam]

it would be nice to have a private area we could vent just us step moms

[Nicky2006]

I totally understand. It took me two years to build my own social network of stepmom friends! Ones that are not judgemental, no hypocrites etc etc. it is the most important to have someone in your situation you can talk to! Saves many therapy sessions lol

[ourbradybunch]

I totally understand. It took me two years to build my own social network of stepmom friends! Ones that are not judgemental, no hypocrites etc etc. it is the most important to have someone in your situation you can talk to! Saves many therapy sessions lol

How does one find stepmum friends do tell, I could do with new friends in same boat coz therapy is expensive

[Nicky2006]

How does one find stepmum friends do tell, I could do with new friends in same boat coz therapy is expensive

I found them here :)

http://stepfamilyzone.ning.com/

Also happy to meet anyone in the Western Sydney area :)

[ourbradybunch]

I found them here :)

http://stepfamilyzone.ning.com/

Also happy to meet anyone in the Western Sydney area :)

I'm in western Sydney however I get real paranoid I'll end up meeting up with BM BFF, I'm that unlucky, lol

[Nicky2006]

I'm in western Sydney however I get real paranoid I'll end up meeting up with BM BFF, I'm that unlucky, lol


Lol, well rest assured, most stepmums I know (like myself) don't know any BM (apart from the one they unfortunately have to deal with).

[ourbradybunch]

Lol, well rest assured, most stepmums I know (like myself) don't know any BM (apart from the one they unfortunately have to deal with).

Yay I'll pm you when I figure out what to write:-)

[Bunny Lover]

I love, love, LOVE this thread!

[Meags82]

I am loving this thread- its been 3 long years of hell with my lovely step daughters. Their mother I swear to god must be in the same group as all the other BM's plotting how to make our lives hell. Yes it's fine to send your 4 year old here with gastro when I have an immunocomprimised 14 month old and a 2 week old baby- you do need your trip to Thailand- how could I possibly suggest you take that kid back. And I completely understand that for 2 years you were happy to dump your kids on my but you weren't ready to "meet" me. Umm who lets a stranger watch their kids for 2 years without even meeting them- well guess what I'm too busy to meet you now and I wouldn't waste my time anyway. Sorry for the vent

[Nicky2006]

Lol, funny cause it is sooo true. Bm went on a cruise over christmas so despite gastro, ss came to us for a week of hell. Every single person in our family was violently sick, dh, ds1, ds2 (only a year at that time) and I ended up in hospital as I was preg. Only one person was actually fit on christmas day and went to all the parties - ss...
We are still paying off the credit for his flights then and they are already asking for the next visit...

[angenrod]

Ladies- these rules need to go to print so that "step mums to be" can get an insight to how hard our lives really are and the crap we have to put up with!!

So glad I've been directed here. Needed a good laugh and I also feel validated now. So glad I'm not alone in this big ugly world of "being a step mum"!!

[Ulysses]

they are pretty good aren't they:laughing:

I had another read over them and i felt so much better afterwards.

[emmiejayne]

Well ... DP got me to serve BM divorce papers last Wednesday...

When she brought the kids home on Sunday, she had a go at DP, saying that someone is calling her in the middle of the night saying we are engaged, getting married soon and other things which she wouldn't mention... she said if it doesn't stop she will go to the police !

GRRR it's not us ! She would be the last person we would tell when we get engaged

[designertaste]

I just "love" it when SS comes to our place all annoyed and ignores me and is needy to his dad because BM spent the last week telling SS that I'm a bad person who is taking his dad away from him. We then have to spend the first 2 days deprograming him only for it to happen again next time. I guess I now know where "evil step mother" came from.

[angenrod]

I guess that rule #3245- expect to be "evil step mum" as no amount of effort you put in will be recognized (initially...maybe when the step kids become adults they will.... If we're still around).

[Bunny Lover]

I just "love" it when SS comes to our place all annoyed and ignores me and is needy to his dad because BM spent the last week telling SS that I'm a bad person who is taking his dad away from him. We then have to spend the first 2 days deprograming him only for it to happen again next time. I guess I now know where "evil step mother" came from.

Sooooo wrong :(

[Atropos]

I just "love" it when SS comes to our place all annoyed and ignores me and is needy to his dad because BM spent the last week telling SS that I'm a bad person who is taking his dad away from him. We then have to spend the first 2 days deprograming him only for it to happen again next time. I guess I now know where "evil step mother" came from.

:hugs:

[PrincessK88]

This thread made me giggle glad I'm not alone. I was beginning to think I was a horrible person for disliking BM for making our lives stressfull