View Full Version : Cold father
DD's dad is a main topic of whingeing, but only when people ask me about him. I don't usually share too much as he has made his choices, he will live with them and I would rather not waste my time talking about him.
But what really irks me is his attitude towards being a father.
He doesn't see DD as a human being, but rather an object that is costing him money. He has no interest in seeing her and his mates see her more than he does. He knows this and doesn't even bother to ask them how she is or what she is doing.
How can a person be so cold and not care?! She is such a beautiful little girl. So happy and makes anyone smile. So what is wrong with him?
He tells people that I use her as a means of control over him (??) I am not sure what he means by this but he really needs to take a long hard look at himself and wonder what is wrong with him.
How can a person not be curious? About their own flesh and blood? Has anyone else experienced this, either their own father, or their childs father? Are there any answers to this? How do they children ultimately feel when they are old enough to understand?
I really worry about the effect this will have on DD, but then think that he is not in her life, so would she be upset about someone she doesn't even know? My father dotes on me so I can't even fathom what it would be like or how it would feel.
Can anyone shed some light on this?:confused:
hi polony,
i don't really know what to think about your situation as I don't really know what the history is behind it but I think that sometimes when there is a relationship breakdown that is a bit nasty, the ex just can't get past the problems between the two of you and focuses on that rather then what a beautiful innocent daughter he has regardless of what has gone on in the past. It is unfortunate that he can not see this for himself. He will miss out on a lifetime of beautiful experiences as a result. :(
Sorry!
A little background info.
He and I were best friends, I fell pregnant, and he said would stick by me.
The pregnancy progressed and he started to distance himself for no reason.
He was adamant that he be at the birth though so he was.
His visits slowly started to trickle off after that and now I don't hear from him at all. I have always made sure my door is open for him to see his daughter. Always.
That's about it.
Sounds like he wasn't really all that ready to accept the responsibility that parenthood brings. Maybe he began to realise this as the pregnancy progressed and it freaked him out? Depending on his age and maturity level, he may value his social life over family at the moment. I think some people just aren't ready for this step and back off once the pregnancy becomes "real" IYKWIM.
Of course the fact that he has been distancing himself from you and your daughter may also impact on his reaction to providing for her also. If he doesn't see just how much kids need, emotionally and financially, then he probably would think that she is a massive (unnecessary) drain on his finances and time.
Good on you for providing him the opportunity to see her though. At least you are taking the right steps to show him that he should be a part of her life. Unfortunately, it is really limited what you can do. Ultimately, he has to take the steps to be involved positively in her life.
My dad is very cold and selfish.
He and my mum split up when I was 5 due to a variety of reasons. He moved 600km's away and had a court order that we visited for 1 week every July school holidays and for 1 week every second christmas.
He used to call to organise us come down and only heard from him on our brithdays otherwise and when we were down there he would work and leave us with whoever his girlfriend was at the time because he couldnt be expected to take the week off.
He only had us because the court said he could and he thought it was his right. But he wasnt interested in us at all.
So when I was 13 I refused to go anymore, my sister was 11 so she kept going but I didnt go and he wrote me off and didnt speak to me again until my 18th Birthday.
Since then I dont really have a relationship with him and it doesnt bother me. He is a very selfish and now that I am a grown up I can see that for myself. He wasnt invited to my wedding and I doubt he even knows I got married, guess I might mention it one day.
Sorry for the long post but had to give you some back ground. I think your daughter will fine. I never felt like it was my fault or I was a bad person because he didnt care about me. My mum took care of my self esteem and she refused to bad mouth him as it was up to me what I thought about him which is something I thank her for.
Some people are just selfish and the world revolves around them. I'm sorry that one of these people is the father of your child but I'm sure you will set her up just fine.
Sounds like he wasn't ready. I am sure you little one with be loved by you and your support network that she wont even be concerned her daddy is cold.
As they say he will be the one with regrets and well no one can make them see how they miss out - just time will reveal to them they missed out on seeing one of the most amazing things life can offer - watching your own born child sit up, roll over, crawl, walk and then run - and before you know she will run into your arms and say "I love you" - he will never hear those words and that is when he will see what he missed out on
Mum&bubs
10-09-2006, 16:18
Im not in your situation but to me he sounds like a jerk who hasnt 'grown up' enough to accept his responsibility. I dont know how anyone could resist such a beautiful little girl- or any child for that matter espeically your own :hugs:
No matter how ready or not someone is, I will never understand how they can turn their backs on their own flesh and blood.
:hugs: to you!
Mum&bubs
10-09-2006, 16:24
I agree mum2bug. What if she wasnt ready? Should she just turn her back & walk away? No she done the right thing :yes: and he should too!
:hugs: :hugs:
Same thing is here. DS Father and I used to work together (yep, bad idea), I fell pregnant and he was ok in the beginning. Then, after I started showing he totally distanced himself to the point where he went into total denial about everything, he even denied being the father!
So now, after DNA Test has been done and CS has been established, DS is now 17 months and his father has never seen him up close, apart from the few times i took him around the office to show off and when i sent him pics.
I have told his parents a few weeks ago about DS, they were in total shcok cause DS Father has never said a word to them. So they have seen DS 4 times in the last 4 weeks and are highly disspointed in their son.
I too ( and everyone around me) can't believe or understand how someone can turn away from their own flesh and blood. There is a part of him running around, the most georgeous little boy (yes, i'm gloating) and he doesn't even care.
But after 17 months + I am tired of :banghead: and trying to understand. Simply his loss, and this just shows his true character.
ashleerose
11-09-2006, 08:37
My circumstances are a little different to yours but i still have the same questions.
I had to leave my ex (long story short he chose drugs over sorting himself out for the kids and i we were married - still are but i left after he schized out and within a week of me leaving he got with the thing up the road from him - he fought me through family law courts and then didnt bother with the three month supervised visits so i breached him and now he has given up all contact with the kids the only way i have of contacting him is through the post or through his mother so i dont see that as a way of contact, to top it off his thing had a baby in may and his whole family seem to think that that child will replace my two and his previous child).
My son has been really sick lately and i think to myself i have no way of letting him know what is going on does he even think that i will let him know as he isnt bothering to contact the kids at all.
Does he even think about the kids? Does he regret his actions? i have so many questions but the one that bugs me the most is will he blame me to the kids when they go looking for answers when they are older ie your mother stopped me from having contact with you (when this is so not the case) of course his mother would lie to them as well and that worries me.
All he had to do was complete a three month supervised visits at his mums house of all places (and it was easier for him to get there by himself than me having to drag the kids three hours away only to have him not turn up and not even bother to let me know and of course my solictor said that i had to go whether or not he turned up as i would be breaching it) so of course i breached him as it was affecting the kids enough as it was.
Now he has to do a parenting course and redo the three month supervised visits at centrecare but of course he hasnt bothered.
I will tell the kids everything one day but of course i do not want to really say too many bad things about him as this could also go against me....arrrgh.
HI ashleerose
that's a tough one. From experience (as it happened to me and my own father), Mum did tell me what happened but never said a bad word about my father - she let me find out myself - which wasn't hard.
And even know with my own Son and his non-existent relationship with his father, I have started a Diary and wrote everything down, so when the time does come, he can read up on it and can see my real emotions at that time.
Don't underestimate the kids, they probably can sense that something is going on, and as long as they have you with your unconditional love - that's all that matters to them.
Of course his mother will lie to them - after all she probably doesn't want to admit that her son is a ****head, but you never know, she might change her tune.
I know this is no real consolation, but the best you can do is take one day at a time and see how the kids go and you never know, they might find out sooner than later about their father in their own time/ way
:hugs: and :kiss: , it's a long, tough road but it's worthwile
lovingmotheract
11-09-2006, 09:51
hey there i know all about been a single mum. I fell preg to a friend of mine and he was all cool about it and said that he told his family but then he just stoped talking to me. He was going out with someone at the time and she was telling him that it's over if u see your child (now come on that just been a child) so i seen him working when i was 8months in and i said hello and he left the state 2 week's after he seen me as he think's that i was jokeing that i was having his baby.:yes:
so i did not know this at the time so when i had her i went to his folk's house to show her off to them and guess what he did not tell them as he said he did thank's a lot. but after all that now she is 8 month;s old and his mum call YES his MUM call and said that he is coming to town and want's to see her i don't know what to think. BUt he came and seen her as my door is always open to him to see her and he tell's me that it was all his Xgirlfriend that she was like u can't see her and u can't she your friend's. But i tell u as soon as the men see there baby's 4 the first time there like baby them self as he cryed. sorry it was so long but i just wanted to get it out and tell some mum's that r single mum's to.:)
Hey,
My father was non existant for me when i was a kid, i think we saw him once or twice after my mum left him. Mum never spoke badly about him even tho he had done so much wrong to us and her. He never paid child support and ended up owing us over thirty grand. My brother wanted to get in contact with him again and he asked mum to clear the debt, she did and he only saw him that once. Now whenever my brother is in hospital he calls him but our father still just plays head games with him. I refuse to speak to him. I think he knew i was preg, but he doesnt know anything about DS. I think we would have been worse off with him in our lives and i have no regrets. Fair enough he didnt/doesnt want anything to do with us, but there are a lot of people who do.
As for DS's dad, he swears blind he wants to be in ds's life but hasnt seen him since he was 7 weeks old and never calls to find out how he is. Even when i call him to update him he doesnt sound interested, is to busy big noting himself. I also worry that his father will run me down to him, but in the end, we are the ones who follow through, we are the ones who are there for the firsts and seconds and thirds, we are the ones they call for when they are hurt, scared or sick, and we are the ones who get that look from them that tells us they love us more then anything. In the end they will see that everything their father said bad about us isnt true and then they will know why daddy doesnt live with mummy. As sad as it is that daddy doesnt want to be around, they will always know that mummy will be. They are gonna be angry teenagers either way, at least they will have something to actually be mad about i guess.
Sorry i have gone on so much :o
in the end, we are the ones who follow through, we are the ones who are there for the firsts and seconds and thirds, we are the ones they call for when they are hurt, scared or sick, and we are the ones who get that look from them that tells us they love us more then anything. In the end they will see that everything their father said bad about us isnt true and then they will know why daddy doesnt live with mummy. As sad as it is that daddy doesnt want to be around, they will always know that mummy will be. They are gonna be angry teenagers either way, at least they will have something to actually be mad about i guess.
Exactly !! Very well said! We should :yelclap: ourself for dealing with these issues (fathers) on top of everything else!
kalebsmummy
12-09-2006, 09:23
I am in the same boat in that my son's father denies all connection to his child.
We were friends and dated for awhile. I broke it off because of his lies and deceptions and moved on with my life. Last year we got back in contact. He was living with another woman at this stage. Unfortunately, things progressed WAY further than I normally would have allowed and I became pregnant. His defacto became pregnant around the same time :banghead:
I tried to maintain a civil relationship with this man because I wanted to give my child the chance to know his father. Things deteriorated however and we now have no contact (although he and his defacto are members of a premature baby site I use and have recently tried embarassing me by publishing the whole sordid story for everyone to see!)
With recent behaviours from these people, I have given up all hope of ever giving my son a chance to know his father. There's just too much anger (on my side) and vengefulness (on their side) clouding the issue. I take comfort in the fact that my father and brother are more than happy to step into this idiot's shoes and be the stable and loving male influences that my son's own father could never hope to be.
Sorry if TMI - I am more ashamed than anything of the situation surrounding my son's birth but I don't plan on punishing myself forever over it! I've made my apologies and as far as I'm concerned, there's really no need to beat me over the head with it anymore!!
:ecomcity: :ecomcity: :ecomcity:
Sorry I dont have any answers for you.
I dont see my dad,I cant even remember the last time I saw him.He has distanced himself from my whole family.
When my grandad last saw dad,he said "so i spose you have heard Im a great-grandfather?" and my dad just said "yes"
That was it!!He doesnt even know if Riley is a boy or girl,his bday,what he looks like-NOTHING!!!
I just dont understand how you could not be curious or give a ****?
But its his loss,not mine!Im not upset by it,just confused.
So if Rileys father was like that,it would be waaay worse.
Sorry that youre going thru this.I hope you can find a solution:hugs:
DoubleDelight
12-09-2006, 16:22
I tried to maintain a civil relationship with this man because I wanted to give my child the chance to know his father. Things deteriorated however and we now have no contact (although he and his defacto are members of a premature baby site I use and have recently tried embarassing me by publishing the whole sordid story for everyone to see!)
Stacie
I'm a member of the site that you mention and I just want to reassure you that he did himself no favours by posting the whole story and people are not sitting in judgment of you. I think the other members were more angry about the attack on you and the fact that it was not the place.
Just for the record - you're son is a prem and you have just as much right to be on that site as anyone. Don't apologise.
Take care.
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