Access Visits - How Do You Cope?

[Mum2Bug]

My ex sees Bug every 3 months or so as he lives 700km away. Because I have Bug pretty much all to myself I found it really hard to hand her over when I have to, even though I know she will be back for dinner. Because she doesn't know him she screams as soon as she sees Im not getting in the car with her. It usually takes me a couple of hours to stop getting so upset over putting her through this. And then I spend the rest of the day fretting over how she is coping. I try to only ring my ex once to check on her just after lunch as I dont want him thinking I am checking up on how he is coping!

How do you other single mummies whose exes do have access cope? Both regular and irregular visitation views welcome.

[MissBrightside]

I know exactly how you feel and it hurts so bad. I try to do things that keep me busy and know that they will be back the next day. I only have 1 friend that I can do things with, but she works on Sundays so I don't get to do all that much with her, but I'm starting to come to terms with maybe it is good for me cos I get a break from being a mummy for a night. That may sound bad but I feel so much better now I have had a couple of nights off. The nights I have nothing to do kills me though all I think of is my kids and how much I miss them.
I don't have any real advice for you but I do know how you feel when she is gone.
I know your situation is different but try and do something for yourself, you may feel lonely and lost but it is also a good thing also in a way. Try and find things to do for yourself, even if it is just shaving your legs in a nice bath, or jump on to bh and have a chat.
I think it's just a part of being a single mum to accept that this is part of yours and your daughters life now and there isn't much you can do about it. It gets easier each time but it still hurts. Im waffeling.
But yeah just wanted you to know I completely understand where you are coming from.:hugs:

[Merlion]

Can't you go with her so she gets used to him. Maybe go with him till about lunch and then leave she might be able to get used to him better. Get him to do everything and you just be in the background

[Mum2Bug]

Can't you go with her so she gets used to him. Maybe go with him till about lunch and then leave she might be able to get used to him better. Get him to do everything and you just be in the background

We tried this for the first year and she just ignored him for as long as she could see me around. He used to have her at our house and I would go upstairs or across to the shops and because she cant remember him between visits she felt safe at home or around me and wouldnt attempt to go to him. So we made the decision that he would take her out of the house instead resulting in the situation Im now having problems with. The worse part is that she doesnt even settle for him, just grizzles the whole time.

She was a bit better on the last trip because he had his other kids for a visit as well but they have now moved back closer to him, leaving only her in perth so the visits will be just them again, no other kids to take her mind off it.

As for me I know I have to get used to it but I struggle having to see her so upset and looking at me as if she thinks i dont love her enough to keep her home

[oleander]

I have discussed visitation with my ex husband. Im going to meet him somewhere where he can spend an hour or so with her with me there too, when its convenient for me. No way will I let her in his car or house. The car has no carseat anyway and he lives in a flat with 2 other guys and its dirty, they smoke pot and have people coming and going all the time.

Your situation is completely different as your ex lives so far away. Until your little girl gets older and understands that its her father its going to be tough. Especially seeing him every 3 months.

[oleander]

I just had a thought and this probably sounds dumb but can you show her photos of her dad on a regular basis so when she sees him she will recognise him. Maybe he can make up a video of him talking to her. I dont know, maybe shes too young for this suggestion.

[MissBrightside]

Yep I get that look from my youngest son(he is 2 in November). So I do understand. He dosent settle for his dad either, he likes his own bed. Last weekend they were home early cos he didn't sleep all night. I feel bad for him cos he loves sleep, but it's only been 2 weekends so I'll give him a chance. I'm trying to give my ex tips. He dosen't like taking advice but we have come to an agreement to be nice to one another. I can't be bothered fighting with him I don't have the energy. It's the boys well-being that matters.
I guess he is lucky in a way because he has his older brother there aswell so he isn't totally on his own.
Your daughter knows that you love her, leaving her with her dad won't change that fact.
I know it is very tuff but she does deserve to bond with her dad, even though he hasn't been around all the time.
I know you've probably heard it all before but in time it does get better.
Sorry I know I'm not much help.

[Mum2Bug]

I just had a thought and this probably sounds dumb but can you show her photos of her dad on a regular basis so when she sees him she will recognise him. Maybe he can make up a video of him talking to her. I dont know, maybe shes too young for this suggestion.

I did try this for a while but without him around full time she just really doesnt understand the concept of who he is to her. She'd prefer to just eat the photo

[Mum2Bug]

nicandbensmum you have been a big help.

I know they deserve to bond, and I do want that for them. I would never keep her away from him. I just wish he was able to see more of her. He doesnt understand that just because he is her father and he loves her, that its not the same for her. She only loves the people she knows and has grown up with. Not just someone who is related to her, even if he is her father.

I guess as she grows up she will work it out and start remembering. But until then I have to keep seeing that look of hers and it just rips my heart out. That last trip where he took her out for the day away from me cost me $1500 of my savings coz buying stuff for her and the house was the only way I could get my mind off her and stop worrying about how she was coping. (for all of 5 minutes anyway)

[Chanelc]

Sounds like you got some great advice from the others.
I find it hard as Chanel actually loves seeing her dad - she sees him every second weekend and once a week. It rips at my heart not to be with her but I know it gives me a break and I now learnt to enjoy the time to myself.
The best bit is when she comes home she smiles with excitement and is glad to be home - I love when he told me he drives up the driveway to my place and she screams with delight - hee hee she wants her mum!
It must be hard for you as without rountine visits it is hard for them to understand what is going on.

[Mum2Bug]

Chanelc - yeah that would be great. I can't wait til she starts to get like that. But I guess it all takes time.

One of the hardest parts I find is not having the support around of my friends. Don't get me wrong, they are all great, but their exes have never bothered to see their kids so my friends don't understand the difference between me having to send Bug to my ex for the day, and them just dropping their kids off to the grandparents for the weekend because they want to go out.

[Vespera]

Well I am a child of visitation which I hated so if you need someone to take your mind off it when she next goes with him let me know and I'll entertain you without spending $1500!

[Mum2Bug]

Well I am a child of visitation which I hated so if you need someone to take your mind off it when she next goes with him let me know and I'll entertain you without spending $1500!

Thanks Vespera. Unfortunately Ive decide to take her to Kalgoorlie to see him next month (which will make it 4 months between visits) so I cant take you up on that! But will keep your kind offer in mind:hugs:

[Karstens Mum]

Hi,

As you know I have just become a sgl parent and I am dreading the day when my ex comes to me and says he wants to spend the day with karsten and take him somewhere, I have no idea how I am going to handle being on my own without my lil man. Mind you since we seperated 2 weeks ago my ex hasnt evern bothered to try and contact me to see how our son is going, I can imagine I will be in a similar position to yourself maybe every 4 mths he will come to see his son.
I really cant give you advise but sympathise with you I do.

[munchkin05]

Hi,

As you know I have just become a sgl parent and I am dreading the day when my ex comes to me and says he wants to spend the day with karsten and take him somewhere, I have no idea how I am going to handle being on my own without my lil man. Mind you since we seperated 2 weeks ago my ex hasnt evern bothered to try and contact me to see how our son is going, I can imagine I will be in a similar position to yourself maybe every 4 mths he will come to see his son.
I really cant give you advise but sympathise with you I do.


i had this problem as well the ex didnt want anything to do with ben for the first 3 or 4 weeks but i kicked up such a fuss
its now been 10 weeks and we now see his dad wednesdays nights (we meet at maccas) ben and his dad play and i sit back and watch sometimes i interact to
i WILL NOT leave ben alone with his dad and ive got reasons behind that i know hes not a bad dad but i still dont think hes thinking with his head iykwim lol
but we have also met a few times on weekends at a park and we all play and ben really enjoys it
i use that im still breast feeding as an excuse so then ben doesnt have to go stay with his dad but one day im not going to be able to use that and then i will have to face the visitation thing but his dad know it wont be for a very long time

[Vespera]

Thanks Vespera. Unfortunately Ive decide to take her to Kalgoorlie to see him next month (which will make it 4 months between visits) so I cant take you up on that! But will keep your kind offer in mind:hugs:

You wont believe this but I'm actually from Kalgoorlie and my parents and friends are still there so I could find soemone to help you out!

[Mum2Bug]

Hi,

As you know I have just become a sgl parent and I am dreading the day when my ex comes to me and says he wants to spend the day with karsten and take him somewhere, I have no idea how I am going to handle being on my own without my lil man. Mind you since we seperated 2 weeks ago my ex hasnt evern bothered to try and contact me to see how our son is going, I can imagine I will be in a similar position to yourself maybe every 4 mths he will come to see his son.
I really cant give you advise but sympathise with you I do.

Im just a pm away if you need me!!! You know that!!!

[Mum2Bug]

You wont believe this but I'm actually from Kalgoorlie and my parents and friends are still there so I could find soemone to help you out!

Cool. Im originally from there myself but lost contact with everyone over the years and now I only know a couple of family members up there and one other person, excluding ex and his family