Help Advice needed

[twins123]

This thread isn't really twin related, but since I am pregnant with twins I thought I would put it in here, its more about the mother in law! I need some advice. lol
Does anyone else have a mother in law that like to interfere or tell you what to do?
The twins will be my first babies so I have had no experience with the mother in law interfering with how I raise/look after my kids, but I have had the experience of her telling us what we should do with our house, renovating wise etc and also selling our vehicles etc. Well just about anything we want to do she sticks her nose in and I think I am actually intimidated by her, before we decide to do something or whatever I find myself asking myself 'I wonder what she will have to say' or 'She probably won't be happy' sometimes it gets to the point where I don't want to tell her anything cause I know she will say something along the lines of 'well I would be doing this or that, but its up to you, but I think this is the right way'.
Anyway so the reason I am worrying about it now is with the twins being due in about 5 weeks, I know she is going to want to be around as much as possible and its going to be too much for my liking and because we live only 3 minutes away from her thats going to make it worse, she works at a school and doesn't know what she job she will be doing when school goes back, she told me that she told someone if she doesn't like the job they give her she will be quitting because she doesn't really have to work and with me having the twins it will give her more time to help me out. So I made the point of saying (and I referred to everyone so she didn't think I was picking on her) that I don't mind people coming and visiting us but AS long as they text or ring me before hand just incase I don't feel like visitors. And when they do come and visit I don't want people telling me what to do or how to do things, I said I will ask for help if I need it and I don't want people just coming in to my house taking over. They are there to visit not to raise my kids. I know that there are going to be a lot of times that I will need help and of course I will ask for it when I do need it but I also need to learn how to do things on my own as well. I've always been independent and like to do things on my own my way. And I am the type of person if someone tells me what to do or how to do things the more determined I am to do the opposite!
Anyway I hope she listened to what I said, I will continue saying it as well and I will make sure I tell her again. My father in law has also told her she isn't allowed to interfere and not to think that she will be spending every day at my house, he told her its mine and my partners life and she needs to take a back seat, their her grand kids not her kids. He doesn't think she was very happy with him saying that but he said if she notices her trying to take over he will tell her again. I don't think she will take much notice though.
I just don't think she can help herself, she has always been like it and she can't help sticking her nose in.
I feel bad saying this about her but it can get so frustrating! I am not the type of person to confront someone about stuff like that especially when I am so intimidated by her but I know that once the bubs are here and she is like that I will need to say something. I know my partner will also tell her too if she gets too much. I should just take it as it comes, she could be the complete opposite, but I can't help but worry about it and I am worried that I am going to be so frustrated and unhappy with her that I won't get to enjoy my babies cause I will be worrying about that she will be thinking or worrying about what she is going to say!!
Does anyone have any advise they can give me?? lol
I probably sound like a horrible daughter in law but I'm just not used to having someone interfere like she does. My mum is the complete opposite and also lives a good 45 minutes away from me so I know she isn't going be doing the same. I've never had my mum interfere or anything, she has always let me live my life and given me advise if I have needed but never made me feel bad if I didn't use her advise and did something opposite!

[TripleTime]

I haven't read your whole post but my mum was/is the problem. She tells us how & when to do things, neither of which suit us. It got to the point that I told her to stick it, this is own life, our family & our choice. No matter what she says or does, we're doing things our way.

She didn't speak to us for a while cause of an arguement but that's her loss. She has backed off but still has room to back off more.

[bgbgbb]

I have a mum like Krystal's (and a MIL a bit like yours as well). The only saving grace is they are both in different countries.

With my MIL, she never gave me space after our babies were born. She'd come around for hours and hours (and at all hours), holding the baby and never lifting a hand to help, often bringing her useless friends in tow. Eventually I said, "Enough! You ring before you come, and if I say no, you accept it!" Her nose was grossly put out of joint, but it did make my life easier, as before that I was not enjoying motherhood because of her interference (we actually get along much better now).

We escaped her (in Ireland) to move here and lo and behold, my mother took over from the MIL. I did the same with her, but she didn't listen (and was twice as bad). To cut a long story short, we choose to cut her out of our lives, but that's because she has a personality disorder and is very destructive to others' relationships because of it. But to deal with her I wrote her a letter as she is so volatile when you try and confront her face to face. That is maybe one way you can approach it?

Having said all that, yes, it's going to be hard to come out of your normally reserved shell and tell your mother in law how it is, but when you become a mum you have to overcome your reservations and stand up against others for the right of yourself and your babies. You have to start now as when they start childcare, kinder, school, even playing in the playground, you're going to have to come to their defence from time to time.

In a few weeks, you're going to be hit with the double whammy of parenthood as well as 2 babies. You're going to be tired, unsure of yourself, hormonal and pretty physically uncomfortable after the birth (lots of bloating). Put the MIL in her place now, because you're going to be at risk of PND if she keeps on like she is when they're born.

Big hugs, it's not going to be easy.

Best of luck with your babies coming!:)

[happychild]

Hi Twins123!

first of all congrats on your twins!! how exciting! I'm due in 2 weeks so we're very close together!! =)

My upcoming twins are my second and third child. But i had the SAME problem with my MIL (and to some extent my mum as well) for my first child. And like the other girls say - it will be even more important that you get your space since you're having twins!!!

The key to dealing with your MIL is NOT you. The person who needs to deal with her is YOUR PARTNER!! (and vice versa for your mum). Firstly - you ahve to make sure that your partner stands with you on this. 100%. And remember to discuss things beforehand so yoru answers and approach are consistent!!! If you don't want your MIL to come over as much, your partner is the one that has to talk to his mum and tell her that you need your rest and that you guys will call them when you are ready for visitors. He has to tell her that you need rest. He has to be the one that gives her all the "negative" answers. NOT YOU!!!

For me, my DH was awesome! My MIL actually walked into my delivery room when i was half dressed...i was so upset!!!!!! My DH was very firm with her from then on and asked her to respect our privacy. He would make it clear that we expected at least a phone call if she wanted to visit. He told her that she didnt have to come EVERY DAY. He told her that baby was asleep so it's best not to pick him up just because she wants to. He was the one that said that if she wanted to help - the best way is to cook for us, drop off the food and then give us some space.

In turn - i did it for my parents as well....hehehe

so my advice is def talk to your partner about this. Come up with boundaries together and a way to approach it with both sets of parents.

Hope that helps!!! good luck with it!!! i dont think you're being a bad DIL... you DO care how she feels...but it's unhealthy if you're making decisions just because you are intimidated by her....i was like that too...personally i think my relationship with my mil has actually improved once the set clear boundaries....and remember to be firm...