totally misserable what is wrong wtih me?

[mollyandkurtsmum]

Hi Im 16 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child and my husband and I already have a beautiful 5 year old daughter and a very handsome 7 year old son. We have been trying for this baby for nearly 3 years and thought we couldnt have any more. So I should be over the moon Right!!! Well Im not Im totally miserable in fact I cant remember ever feeling this bad in my life. I worry that Im being selfish for trying for a 3rd when we already had two great kids. I also have started wondering if I even really love my husband which before this pregnancy was not even a thought. After the birth of my daughter I had post natal depression and Im wondering if its just getting in early????? Im sorry if I sound like a big winger and to people out there who cant have kids I must sound so ungratefull but I just dont know what to do with myself and feel so alone and sad that I cant imagine ever feeling like the old me again. Anyway thanks for listening to me it feels kinda good to just let it out .

[Chickadee]

You can rant and rave here and talk out your feelings as much as you like. We're a pretty non-judgemental lot :)

I had PND as well after my daughter and in talking to a friend and fellow PND sufferer (she's still stuggling with general depression), she suggested that women who have had a hard time to have a baby are more likely to have PND. Whether it's through miscarriages, long times trying to conceive or having to go through IVF. I wonder sometimes if when we work so hard for something we set up an expectation that of course everything is going to be wonderful when we achieve it, all our hearts desire, etc. That's unreasonable of course, and so when we don't find ourselves 110% happy then the sorrow, questioning, guilt ("why oh why aren't we happy?") and depression can set in. I don't know if this is really a true statistic or not, but I do wonder about it.

As for questioning your love for your hub, I think that's pretty normal when depressed. I certainly push everyone away, including DH, as part of a horrible self pity cycle that for me goes something like this:
I feel bad,
I hate how I feel,
I hate myself,
I don't feel lovable, therefore nobody should love me,
so I'll just put up some barriers and be a **** to hub,
if he loved me he'd see through them but he doesn't so he must not love me,
and now I'm alone,
so I feel bad,
etc etc...

Stupid thinking but hard to break.

You're not alone. You're not a bad mum for feeling like this or for wanting a third child. Try to talk to your hub, and maybe even your kids if you think they've been picking up how you're feeling. And it may be worth talking someone outside your family as well. A general depression website with some practical help and numbers for helplines is beyondblue.org.au

[mollyandkurtsmum]

thankyou so much you have no idea how much it means to me for someone just to say that Im not crazy . Im usually such an intelligent and loving person and I cant beleive how much my persona has changed with this last prenancy. thankyou for hearing me and listening

[Chickadee]

I'm glad I could help a little. Of course you're not crazy. If you are, that would mean I am too! [play maniacal laughter soundtrack! hahahahahahaaaa!]

Feel free to send me a PM (private message) anytime. And there are alot of women on here who have battled with depression, there should be a bunch of threads if you do a search. Like I said, feel free to talk out whatever you need to.

Added: There's a sub-forum for Depression & the Baby Blues that you might want to have a browse through. Like I said, there are lots of us on here. You can find the forum here: http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=78

[Miss_Vicki]

Huge Hugs to you , i been like this off an on (i also had PND after my first born) an its got to a stage thats Im not turned on or even want intmacey with my bf other then Cuddles in bed .

Made me start to think Iam i right for gettin back with him :( i had a spazz out the other day an told him i didnt love him an to F off an so on :(
im glad he is understandable to me an i have had time to cool down an realize it Just me , I do love him im Just really hormoneal an No idea how to react

Anyways I just wanted to let u know U not alone , If u ever need a ear to have a winge cry or chat to Im here , In a non judgemental manner too

sweetlovein69@hotmail.com is my msn :)

:o

[mimi]

you have no idea how much it means to me for someone just to say that Im not crazy .
Well just let me reiterate, "You are NOT crazy!!" :)

Hormone changes can do weird things to the best of us - and though I can't talk of PND from personal experience, I know others who have suffered and also those who suffer depression and anxiety disorders - and they too, are NOT crazy!!

I got to know a woman quite some time after her second bub was born, and she told me of her experience with PND. She totally freaked out after her first baby was born - but didn't realise what was actually happening. When all was finally sorted out, the doctors told her that from her description, she actually was suffering depression for the majority of her pregnancy. She had just tried to hide it - thinking, of course, that she shouldn't be feeling like this ... and "I must be crazy!" thoughts too. If she had realised, and received treatment then, she probably would not have had to go through the horror of it all after her baby was born.

Hope all goes well - and it looks like you will get lots of support here from lovely folk like Martha and Jaz'sMum :)

[mandymoo]

I went through something very similar. My DD was born 10 weeks early and spent 8 weeks in hospital. During this time it put so much strain on my husband and I. He was working 10 hours a day and I was spending 8 hours a day at hospital sitting there looking at my baby in a humidy crib and only being able to hold her for 2 hours a day.

By the time both of us got home we were exhausted. We started arguing all the time and I was starting to feel depressed. My husband and I had just gotten married 11 days before DD was born. I started having feelings that I didn't love my husband and that I had to concerntrate on our daughter coming home. I also couldn't express the amount of breast milk my daughter needed so this started to affect me aswell, that I wasn't a good mother and I couldn't provide for her.

But it gradually changed DD came home on Christmas eve last year and this was the best thing, I didn't have to travel to the hospital any more. I could be home when DH got home and have dinner ready for us. This took alot of strain off our relationship.

Now 10 months later DH and I are as happy as can be. We have not had a fight in months and months and our DD is as beautiful as can be.

Mollyandkurtsmum, maybe if possible have a day or night away by yourself or with a friend and relax and put your feet up and think positively. I hope everything gets better for you.

[mollyandkurtsmum]

thanks again guys I just feel like smiling !!! even though you know deep down that it is probably just hormones it just feels great to hear it from others . I think Ive found my new hangout lol

[jackieb76]

Hi Mollyandkurtsmum,

Just wanted to add something extra to compliment all of the good advice.

I am 18 weeks pregnant and when I went to my first antenatal visit (through the community midwives program) I was given a test to complete to try and diagnose risk to PND. They give you a risk factor at the end of the test which consists of questions like:

Do you cry? 1) Never. 2) Sometimes. 3) Often. OR 4) All the time.

I just thought that I would mention this as I thought it was a fantastic idea that just was not around when I had my daughter was born 6 years ago. It is great that they can notice the signs well before the baby is born. A lady in my mothers group went on for 6 months before they realised that she was suffering from PND.

I just want you to know that I am not saying that you will have PND just that there are ways to pick it up very early. It is certainly a very emotional time for most women and it is certainly impossible to control those hormones and the emotions that go along with it.

It is just so important that we have the support and love that we need, from partners, family, friends and of course great forums like these.

Take care.

:)

[Chickadee]

.... when I went to my first antenatal visit (through the community midwives program) I was given a test to complete to try and diagnose risk to PND. They give you a risk factor at the end of the test which consists of questions like:

Do you cry? 1) Never. 2) Sometimes. 3) Often. OR 4) All the time.

These tests are great. Unfortunately, in my experience at least, when sitting and doing them with the midwife or nurses I tended to downplay and deny how I was feeling because of course I didn't want to be thought of as "one of those crazy mums" or a failure as a mother. (I know realise how skewed my thinking was and that nobody would have thought that of me!). Denial is a large part of depression and PND, and since the people who are trying to evaluate a woman's risk can only rely on what they are told, I think a lot of women do these tests but still slip through un-noticed and don't get help early enough. BUT, the tests are a starting point and can be useful. There are some similar self-evaluation tests on the beyondblue website I think.

[Tisme]

I am a fellow PND sufferer and am in my 19th week and feeling REALLY LOW.

After having my daughter I ended up in Tresillian with her where I encountered the PND tests. As I was strung hung, hung out and still sopping wet and scored very low on the test ... as a result my baby was taken to a seperate room for two nights so I could sleep and I was sent to counselling twice a day for a week. At the end of the week I was given the test again and again scored relatively low and was sent off to counselling in the community once a week. It was a great support at the time (as the scores were showing suicidal and maniacal tendancies seriously) but it didn't help me much as when I mentioned to my partner he said it was a crock and to stop listening to people who wanted to line their pockets with money.

Now I'm not entirely stupid, but at the time I tended to believe him whom I trusted with my life over the professionals and hence a long drawn out recovery. To cut too long a story short I am now once again in the throws of PND and been put back on medication to try to re-rationalise my thought patterns.

I urge you to please go to your GP and talk to them about your feelings, as the more stressed and upset you become the more those vibes go through to bubs, and no I'm not saying that you are to blame in five years time if your child can't cope with stress, what I'm saying is some people believe that the less stress Mum suffers through pregnancy the less stressed the baby gets through birth. I don't know the truth to it but it's out there anyways. That is why in the ancient days women were taken from their home duties to rest for up 20 hours a day whilst in the last trimester. And I guess the reason men weren't allowed anywhere near them through birth!! LOL

Seriously though, most anti-deps for PND are safe for ingestion during pregnancy and though I had a terrible time believing this I am feeling alot better for it.

[bonnie]

Hi all, :)

my name's Bonnie and i'm a freelance writer. I'm currently researching post-natal depression, because i think its a topic that's not very well understood by the general public, and i'd like to write an article about it in the near future.

I'm wondering, would anyone be willing to msg/email me their thoughts about their experience with post-natal depression, and also what sort of treatment they used?

I want to explore the effective anti-depressants available to women, as well as altenative therapies.

It would be fantastic to hear from you guys, as i haven't had a baby (yet...am waiting for boyfriend;) so i don't have personal experience with post-natal depression.

Do drop me a line on this forum or email me at bonniec123@yahoo.com

Cheers, bonnie:)