Why do people not say

[jackie7]

I always wonder why people don't actually say I am proud of you or congratulations for making such a tough decision. Instead they always say things like 'don't give up' 'try this' 'try that'.

Is it because they realise that it doesn't work for everyone, that it is not a cure all.

Is it because they realise it might not work for them?

[mim1]

I think a lot of people don't want to accept that some couples cannot conceive. People falsely think that IVF can make anyone conceive at any time. And it only takes a single 2nd or 3rd hand story of someone who had tried IVF and then stopped only to conceive shortly thereafter ... and that one story will be 'brought out' to tell any of their friends who are trying IVF.

But I think basically people mean well and if they know you want children then they want that for you and they don't want to lose hope, even if in their eyes you have.

[Boobycino]

I think so.

My housemate, though just left her partner, says she's never having children - not by *choice* but because it does appear quite phsyically impossible for her to concieve.

Maybe I say don't give up because I can't bare the thought of her not being a mum because she is *supposed* to be a mum.

Which is my issue not hers. But I hope I'm offering unwavering support, not dismissing her feelings.

I don't know. I'll watch myself and try to I guess hear and acknowledge what she says rather than try to make her feel better.

[sai]

I think people just don't understand and it makes them uncomfortable.
I have heard all of the 'success stories' and it doesn't matter how many times I explain how our condition isn't in the box of said 'success story' I still hear "well you just never know"
People think by being 'positive' they are helping, they don't understand that this is not making you feel better.
I think perhaps infertility will have to become a more discussed topic for it to be easier for people to say, well done you tried and I'm proud of you for knowing when it was too much for you and knowing when to stop.
Please take that well done from me and know that although I was one of the IVF 'success stories' I'm still battling with the decision of if I can handle it all again for another baby, I wish I had your strength to make a final decision.
S :hugs:

[Green Mum to be]

I think that generally people don't want to believe it or they don't want to have to deal with the awkwardness of accepting a really unfair and painfull situation and your feelings towards this.

Not that it helps but going through this process i've had responses from:

"Oh don't worry you'll have children" Followed by a "miracle" storry

to

" I dont' belive it"

to

*complete silence* change of subject

Every time it happens i think i'm used to it and it wont affect me but it does and i cry.

We have told people (family included) that we have stopped trying completely. We are going to attempt ICSI again with me as the bio mum however, i can't handle the questions and false enthusiasm especially considering the liklihood of it working so have decided to drop it. It has been two months and no one has said anything in quite some time.

My thoughts are with you ladies

[Buttoneska]

What an interesting thread; I have never really thought about it tbh. I always thought I was supposed to be forever supportive and say 'it will happen etc etc etc'.

But now that I am 8mth TTC (not long I know) but even those 8mths has made me think "what if this doesn't happen to me. Where does that leave me? Can I find some happiness outside of this. And can I and world accept that children will not be part of my life".

I was talking to a friend who doesn't know we are TTC and she asked when we were going to start trying. I told her hopefully some time this yr, but who knows if it will hapeen. She was like 'oh of course it will.. you are yougn, even if you have problems you have enough to see a FS and sort it out and get IVf etc etc".

I just don't think ppl awcknowledge that kids do not happen for everyone?

What would you like to ppl to say to you? Like I said it is something I never considered until recently, when I thought oh god if I have to spend the next 20yrs listening to ppl support/encourage/tell me that I CAN have kids when maybe I can't I won't - I willl go bananas.

[Noodle73]

Both of our families know of our attempts and now have stopped bringing it up altogether and accept our dogs as our children :laughing:

To make the decision to stop is not easy, you always contemplate the what ifs. I know that people ask only out of curiosity and most generally care when they make their suggestions, but it is just one of those things that when you can't have children you dont want to discuss. It is a really awkward situation.

I guess we are lucky in that respect, the family and friends we did tell don't place pressure on us by telling us to try this or try that, they accept the fact that we have stopped with our attempts and are moving on.

FreeAsABird - I don't know that there is actually a standard response, it would depend on how well you knew the person and how they deal with emotions, as SleepingBeauty said " I'll watch myself and try to I guess hear and acknowledge what she says rather than try to make her feel better." This is beautifully put and will be the most supportive thing that anyone could do.

Good luck to those TTC, and to those that have made the decision to stop welcome to this thread and know that you aren't alone :hugs:

[RoarsomeMum]

Because it is childless NOT by choice and I would feel wrong about congratulating people about something they had no real control over.

I do say congratulations for surviving and for thriving and for focusing on the good things they do have to friends who have decided to stop trying the struggle of TTC.

I am so so very grateful not to have to contemplate how I *would* have coped there anymore.

[summastarlet]

Very interested to read this thread. I must say that hearing peoples 2nd or 3rd hand stories of so and so's cousin or neighbour conceiving after stopping IVF is already getting on my nerves..I know people want to stay positive for you and give you hope but to me all it is doing is diminishing the pain we are going through right now and putting out false hopes.

Sure it may have happened to other people but it does not mean it will happen for us. Every story is different, every couple is different.

I just wish infertility was more widely talked about so people weren't so uncomfortable when you bring it up.

[jackie7]

Because it is childless NOT by choice and I would feel wrong about congratulating people about something they had no real control over.

Okay to be honest I wasn't really meaning congratulate - it was in relation to the other thread really.

I know people don't want to acknowledge it doesn't happen for everyone and I know that they don't know what to say.

What I am getting at is maybe as a society it is time to change our thinking and actually acknowledge people for having strength to make very tough decisions.

[Brightsilverstar]

I always thought I was supposed to be forever supportive and say 'it will happen etc etc etc'.

Hi,

I agree with the above. I have friends who are a couple and have been TTC for YEARS. I don't know the extent they are at atm or the problems they are facing other than my friend has PCOS but i always want to give them hope/some positive thinking in such a bleek time.

This topic has made me think though and i am now probably going to be the silent/change the subject type as i don't want to offend just support and didn't realise what i've been saying isn't helpful. I wish everyone could have their little miracle.


As a PP said it would be so much better if infertility was much more well known i would hate for my friends to feel alone or have their feelings belittled everytime i say "don't worry it'll happen one day, you guys would make the best parents"

[Brightsilverstar]

Jackie,

I also wanted to say but pressed send too quickly.... You have made very tough decision and you can go along known you did everything you could, you should be very proud of yourself and know (which you probably do) that the people surrounding you love you very much which is why they are offering you pleasentries and positivity as they want you to be happy. *hugs*

[nupur12]

I think those kind of people are not able to understand you.
so don't mind it.Ok:p

[jackie7]

Thanks Bright - I think there is a lot of difference between someone still trying and those of us that give up. And it's still somewhat appropriate to provide them with encouraging words.Over time how people offer that support however does need to change and normally it does without people even realising. It's when the time to stop completely comes and basically no one really knows how to act so it is logical to fall back on what we have already relayed to someone - the trouble with this this is it is often slightly miscalculated for what the actual situation is.



nupur12 you have made two other posts in the entire forum and chose to post to me in this section - I think you need to learn to read the forum areas you are posting in and until then think bloody long and hard about the audience and person you are replying to in this way. It is totally insensitive.

[goosiegander]

Nupur12
This is an area of the forum for people who have reached the end of IVF/ egg donation etc. This is an area to discuss/ mourn the end of their journey, and to support/ advise each other. Please keep the discussion polite - and all off topic/ negative comments will be removed.

Did you not read this before you posted???? Can I ask what possessed you to come in here and make such smart *** remarks with your smiley face tongue hanging out emotion?????

Have a bit if respect :mad:

[emm1978]

I think those kind of people are not able to understand you.
so don't mind it.Ok:p

you are entitled to you opinion and maybe in another post it would be appropriate to reply this way but we are a very sensitive bunch that are trying to move on with our lives. (see above post and the intro page as this would explain to you our stories)

i often think the same thing and that the people that say stupid stuff to us, really don't understand: a) what we've been through or b) how hard it is to go through all this heartache and still end up with nothing. So what you have said is correct minus the smiley tongue poking face but maybe a few more words added in and so much extra pain would have been avoided.

but on another note as you've received far too much publicity for an off handed comment! Are you posting here coz your in the same boat ??? coz if you are you need to introduce yourself and probably move the conversation to the everyday post area

[fefe76]

People just do not know what to say period
I have had my fair share and i am sure you all have too of stupid thoughtless comments

Until infertility is spoken about more openly people will keep saying the wrong thing.

In their heads they are saying the right thing, they just do not realise that we do not take it that way because of our situations etc

There are time when someone says something I will tell 'em back how it is ... other times i just shut up because i just know they won't get it

There is so much out there for other diseases etc but not much for inferility... people will know not to say something stupid to someone who is undergoing Chemo or something else but infertiliy draws a blank to people... "feel-good hope" stories is all they can think of to say

annoys me .... i am infertile .... just because I do not look ill does not mean i am not suffering somehow

[topicyang]

I think they may realise that it doesn't work for everyone, that it is not a cure all.