When is it abuse?

[AppelsAndOranjes]

My DH are going through separation atm and I'm worried he might be becoming abusive.

He has told me he is smacking the kids way more than usual because of his anger with me, and smacking them really hard. We are also fighting a lot more around the kids and both swearing a lot.

Should I be concerned with leaving him alone with them? I know we should not be fighting around the kids but once it starts its hard to make it end. He has also threatened to put them in the car and drive off and not tell me where he is going.I don't think he would actually hurt them but I'm not sure whether I tlak to someone about this or not. I'm scared of him finding out I spoke to someone and what he will do :(

Is us fighting and swearing in front of them a form of abuse as well?

[UsThreeGirls]

sounds like abuse to me

[sandramm1]

His behaviour is definitely out of control- he shouldnt be taking his anger towards you out on the kids. There is no way I would let my kids go with him following that admission or his threat to drive off with the kids- all intended to hurt you and try and manipulate you to re-enter the relationship. Act now before he becomes even more out of control- you have babies to protect.

[Boobycino]

Sounds frightening.

I don't know, i hope there are others who have been through similar (well I hope not but I know there are) who can give better advice as to who to contact.

Do you have any family or friends interstate or a long way away to go visit for a bit, so in the mean time you and your children are safe and so you stop fighting with him.

:hugs:

[Mrs Nietzsche]

I am actually just doing an essay on this... this kind of behaviour is definitely now considered abuse, it's been discovered that when children are around or exposed to their parents fighting, its really hard on them developmentally... they have higher levels of clinical anxiety, tearfulness, etc etc. It really does harm them.

As for the smacking and threats, i think that is clearly abuse.

Do you feel that you can keep them away from him? How is he likely to react?

The best solution in these circumstances is generally just for one parent to have the children, until the parents get enough space (and professional help if necessary) that they can communicate without conflict. If the conflict in your relationship is harming your children, which it clearly is, then you need to work out a way that they can either spend time with their father without being exposed to conflict, and if that's not possible, just have them with you fulltime until you can interact without the anger. Get some help if need be.

Your partner isn't able to look after them right now if he is smacking them in anger. Please keep your kids away from him.

[AppelsAndOranjes]

I am not sure what to do.

If I call child service and ask for advice what if they want to send someone around. I'm scared of how he will act if he knows I did that. I'm also scared of what he would do if I tried to take the kids to a friends for some time out. He has never hit me before but this behaviour is making me frightened :(

I don't think anything has happened but I'm afraid of what could happen. I don't know if I'm just being over the top here.

[SuperGranny]

hi applesandoranges, you say over and over "I'm scared', that is not the way things are supposed to be. If you are so very scared of your partner, you Need to get out , and quickly. Dont wiat for him to make any changes. He is using every way he can to control you, and it is all very damaging to you and also to the children. Even if he never lays a hand on the children he is hurting them greatly by abusing you, and exposing them to his bad temper over and over. Please do whatever you can to get away from him and do it quickly. Marie.

[AppelsAndOranjes]

I'm scared for our children, not really myself. Fights are never fun but I know he would never hurt me, at least I like to believe I know him well enough for that.

They are already acting out (more so our 4 yo) by slamming doors and yelling more because that is what they see us do when we fight. I have tried to take them to my sister's house for a night once before and he lost it. We both accept our marriage is over but he is really suffering from lack of control. We are still living under the same roof so its making it extra hard too.

We are both on holidays at the moment so maybe when we are both back at work next week things will calm down.

[Mrs Nietzsche]

I think you need to ring someone who can help you both sit down and work a fwe things out. I know (trust me) how hard it is to walk away and not argue.. but you really need to do this. Are you lving together? Honestly, every time you fight in front of your kids you are damaging them, and they are certainly damaged by the smacking which must be making them so scared.

I know it's a huge burden placed on you and it's not fair that you are having to be the responsible one and take action.

Can you say to your partner.. look I know we are having problems, but we aren't getting anywhere at the moment, what if i go away with the kids for a while or you go away - FOR THE KIDS SAKE - until we can work this out calmly. No matter what happens you will be dealing with him for a long time so if its at all possible to be calm with each other then that needs to happen (might not be possible). Try to get him focussing on what is best for the kids, and not to feel as though you are trying to tell him what to do or w/e, its about the kids.

Remember you arent responsible for him or his actions. All you can do is what is best for you and your kids.

I understand you are worried about what he might do ... and that can be a very valid fear. But you can't let that fear of waht might happen control you and at the moment your kids are definitely being negatively impacted.

[AppelsAndOranjes]

We had a really nasty fight this morning and he brought the kids into it which really hurt and upset me. He said something like ok kids well you are coming with daddy because mummy doesn't love you anymore. I couldn't believe he would say that in front of the kids when it is so far from the truth! It was really upsetting that he did that I'm not sure I can forgive him for using them like that :(

How do I make him see what he is doing is hurting the kids :no::no:

[Hokey Pokey]

Then poor children, they do not deserve to be treated like this :(
You need to stop his contact - unless supervised - until he gets his act together!

[deany]

i say call the police and get an restraining order against him and get out.even if you think things will be fine once your back at work. i dont think its fair on the kids but hey i was one of those kids and my mum never got hurt but left for the kids sake after 24 years of abuse to us kids!!!(she left for my younger siblings at home still.)go to a womens shelter if you have no where else to go!!

[Amara]

Either you or he needs to move out. Don't call child services as that could result in them being removed from the house which also means from you. Get legal advice on what to do re access as judges can go against you if they feel you have stopped the kids from seeing their dad. Not saying you don't have good reason but a judge may not see it that way.

[PKKXP]

I was the child in the middle of a divorce like this many years ago and it definitely hurts the kids!! The fact that your husband told you that he has smacked the kids out of anger let you know that he might be open to talk about it. Seriously though - you should never, ever fight in front of your kids. They are not emotionally equipped to deal with it. Are you both able to go to counsellign to deal with your issues or make a time to talk when the kdis are in care, with friends, at school, etc so that if it gets out of control they aren't around to be brought into the fighting. I hope you get it all sorted. :hugs: