How prepared were you? Sorry this is a long one

[Jamily]

Hi everyone

I am posting this thread in the hope that I might find I am being a bit pessimistic about a friends decision and situation, but mainly to find out if you can ever really be prepared for a baby?! I for one found it a BIG shock.

Without going into too many details a friend of mine has decided she wants to try for a baby - her situation is not ideal for a number of reasons including a desire to emigrate and the fact she is studying for a degree part time along with doing a full time (and demanding) job.

When she discussed the situation with her neighbour (who has a 1 y.o.) she lent her the Gina Ford Contended Baby Book and my friend has now read it from cover to cover, expecting that her baby will just "self settle" and sleep during the alloted times in the routine. She thinks that by 6 weeks her baby should be sleeping virtually through the night and napping during the day consistently and with that in mind she thinks she can finish her degree easily as she will be at home all day on maternity leave! She also wants to take some exams in what she hopes will be the final weeks of her pregnancy (she also thinks she can just get pregnant in November - I should point her in the direction of the TTC threads!).

Before I had my DD and had heard her reasonings I would have thought what she was saying made perfect sense (honestly!) but now I know things are VERY different.

For all those first-timers out there like me, did you find motherhood a shock or do you think you were prepared? I still find it amazing that I got it so wrong! ;)

p.s. I am not writing this thread to criticise Gina Fords book or methodology - perhaps if I followed it I wouldn't have had the shock I did!

[jamb]

I don't know Gina Ford or her books. I guess I didnt know what was involved in being a mum- it is a 24 hour job, I'm not sure who I actually thought would give me time off or how you could switch off from being a mum. Even if someone else is looking after him (hubby or mum) thoughts about him rule my head- not only worry thoughts but things like, ooh i'll just check the baby clothes section, i wonder if those nappies are better- instead of should i dye my hair this week, oh better book a wax etc.

I was not prepared for the tiredness. And I have a baby that has pretty much slept well from 6 weeks, but i still have to get up at 4am ish for a bottle. Those first few weeks were like a road accident- very very overwhelming, especially with those hormones! Don't get me wrong, it was so amazing just looking at him- but then there are your boobs leaking/hurting, not seeing your partner as any chance you get you want to sleep and going out, well too much work!

So 6 months later, still tired. I go to bed very early and rise very early- tv, hmmm don't know what is happening on all saints or rove. Shaved legs? Plucked eyebrows? Moisturiser? Dressing up? Bubble baths? Reading? Sunbaking? Hairdresser? No I don't think i was aware of the changes that would happen.

But would I change what is? Absolutely no way :D

[ThomasMum]

Whether you are well-prepared or not, motherhood will always be a new culture (to me anyway :)). Financially we might be ready and OK (we owns a house, car, great jobs etc) but on the experience side, there’s plenty room for improvements! Because as Thomas grows older, we discover something new everyday, yesterday might be a teething problem, today he can sitting up on his own unsupported for 5 mins. The excitments of finding something news! It's always overwhelming!
Motherhood def is not for the whimps! :D

It is a 24 –job whether your SAHMs or part time/full time working mum.

But knowing how healthy, happy chap our lil guy is (the only time we went to the doc is for his immunizations), the less-sleeps, less socializing with the adult world, less nite out (not that we are into that!), seems nothing to us: DH and I wouldn’t want to swap with anything else!

Enjoy! :D

[Nickster]

Hi Clairet,
Yes motherhood is a big shock. I thought I was prepared - I have a Bachelor of Education, worked as a nanny and have two stepchildren - but I really had NO IDEA!!
Mummajack, you hit the nail on the head, it's the tiredness that really kills. My bub has never slept through ( and she's now 9 months old! ), but I've often thought it would be so much easier if she did, and I would feel rested, but then again, I know I'd be up and down all night checking on her and whether she was still breathing so I know I still wouldn't get any sleep!!
I am thankful that our baby is at least healthy, and that my DH works from home, so can give me the odd sleep in now and again. I don't know how anyone else copes.
I pluck my eyebrows while keeping one eye on Elizabeth careering madly from one piece of furniture to another, home waxing has been very interesting, especially if she wakes screaming and I am semi-naked juggling a crying baby in one hand and a piece of wax strip dangling from my thighs in the other :eek: . I dash around the house madly on a Sunday morning vacuuming because it's the one time my hubby can keep an eye on her as she warily eyes the vacuum cleaner. All other housework gets done in fits and spurts - mainly me having a fit while my baby spurts vomit!! :D My one luxury is a decent haircut about every 6 weeks, my Mum comes along with me and watches Libby while the deed is done!
I read that Gina Ford book when Elizabeth was about 5 months old. I laughed - how on earth can the strict schedules she proposes be anywhere near reality? I'm only pleased I didn't read it BEFORE I had my baby, or I would be suffering from the same delusions as your friend. Maybe you can direct her to Dr. Sears' website, at least he provides a touch of reality, and the Pinky Mckay forums are quite informative, too.
Having said all that, I wouldn't change my life for the world. No matter what you say to your friend, she will have to learn for herself- she will learn how hard it can be, but she will also learn how you can love someone so tiny so much that it physically hurts... and that's a beautiful thing!! :)

[StormAngel]

Hi

I have to say as a mum of 4, each and every child is different! so even when I knew from experience what I was in for, it still came as a shock to the system with each baby, all with different personalities, and each threw some different challenge at me.

So, i guess what i'm trying to say is, in a way you can never be fully prepared for whats to come, even if you have been there before!

Did i make any sense?
I know what i was trying to say! LOL!

[zenifa]

Its great to read this thread and everyone else's experiences. I'm only a new mum, my DD is nearly 4 weeks and DH & I thought we were prepared, but I guess you never can be fully prepared for this immense change in your life.
Like others have said its the tiredness that is the hardest, not having any time to yourself (except on the toilet and in the shower), spending most of your time with your hubby/family/friends talking about the baby, which is great, but all too consuming - you do feel like you lose yourself a bit, but obviously motherhood is wonderful and so far we've got no regrets. Our DD is healthy, happy and brought us love and joy that we also couldn never be fully prepared for too!!
We tried to be organised and plan - financially, socially, reading books, antenatal classes, talking to family/friends/workmates with kids - but I guess you have to be flexible, enjoy every moment as they grow so quickly and take all the advice you read/hear with a grain of salt.
I had a nanny friend from UK (who specialises in babies) ring and told me she's sending me Gina Forde's contented baby book - so now I'll be a bit more cautious reading it - I've read babywise and baby whisperer and seen other posts warning me about them too!!
Clairet - all you can do is be supportive of your friend, but she has to make these decisions on her own and we can't enforce our 'reality'onto others, even if its with the best intentions.
Good luck Z:)

[xkwzit]

Hi All
I knew that I could never be prepared for a baby, and I was actually quite relaxed about the fact that I had NO IDEA what I was in for, I just planned on rolling with the punches. I remember watching women with prams when I was 38 week pg, thinking "In two weeks that's going to be me" - I just couldn't believe it.

I def did not expect to have a baby that slept through at 6 weeks and would self settle - so I think I was better off than your friend :p .

I don't think that you can ever be 100% prepared, as someone else had said, every child is different. When you've got a baby with reflux, colic, sleepless nights, those things may be completely out of your control (100 books wouldn't have all the answers to those problems), sometimes you just have to endure. IS your friend ready to deal with that?

Cheers

[Supermum]

I wasn't prepared in the slightest for motherhood and all it entailed! I certainly didn't think labour would hurt quite so much. I also didn't think it was humanly possible for boobs to grow so much overnight that they're under your armpits :o

I remember sitting on my bed in the hospital on the first night just looking at him and thinking "my god - what was going through my head when I decided I wanted a baby - I don't know what I'm doing!"

I found it all quite shocking. My baby fed every 2 hours ... severe reflux ... when he wasn't sucking the life out of a breast he was screaming. My house was constantly a mess - I was a zombie. I used to wake up in the middle of the bed with Ben asleep still attached and me sitting up! There's not a book on earth that can accurately describe it or get you ready for it. xkwzit's right - you endure it because what's the alternative? your baby needs you.

You can tell someone a story but it's not real until it becomes their reality.

Number two was fairly easy ... well as far as newborns go I guess as I thought even if she is as difficult as he was at least I'll know what to do.

My girlfriend on the other hand had a baby who fed every 4-6 hours from birth and then started sleeping through at the three week mark. Ask her and she'll tell you she went through absolute hell. I've said it before and I'll say it again ... BITE ME :D

[madvoice]

I wasn't really what you'd call fully financially prepared. I don't think us non billion dollar in the bank type people are every quite ready for the financial burden (especially after forking out for huge house renovations so bub can have her OWN room). I had all of the baby things prepared. Clothes, bottles (just in case), nappies etc etc but I wasn't prepared for the fatigue. I'd experienced similar fatigue and that was on a 5 day military exercise. But.. IT ONLY WENT FOR 5 DAYS! not for a good 8 weeks of total zombieness. My Daughter is now 5 1/2 mo and still doesn't sleep through and that's just her. The best thing I believe I ever said to myself whilst going through all of the first few months was "Just go with the flow". It was hard to do but it helped in the end.

[mummyb]

hi
i agree with you ,before you have ababy you think how hard can it be !!surely they sleep when you want them to and eat what you want them to and dosent that magic fairy come and change pooie nappies for you in the middleof the night.
well i have two boys now one is five and one is 14months and im still shocked at how hard somedays can be.who knew id have to argue with my 5 year old about wiping his bum or keep my ds from trying to make toast .
i laugh now at people who think parenting is abreeze before they have kids and shake my head at the women who act like it is tho they have a husband with mega bucks ,a nanny a gym membership and where apparently born with out the guilt gene .
i now look up to the mum in the sand pitt ,wiping snotty noses ,organising playgroup fundraisers those women are who i get my prctical advice from .i dont think gina ford actually has a child (or didnt when she wrote her book or so i heard ) .
leave your friend at home with your db for an hour or so or ask her to come round and give you a hand and let her see tht while they are the biggest joy ever they are the biggest and most intense job you will ever ever have.

[nkenward]

Its interesting reading this thread. I am due in about 7 weeks, so as much as I am excited about the new arrival, I am definitely keeping an opened mind as to what to expect.

As with your friend Clairet, its hard to judge on whether she is prepared or not. Does she have a DP or DH? And does she have a time limit ie: with her age?

Its amazing how you feel about having a baby when you see someone elses and you get a cuddle, and the baby is quiet and doesn't have a smelly nappy and isn't crying. All you can think about is - I want one of those. But you can certainly change your mind if you take away all those elements.

As mummyb mentioned, maybe ask if she could babysit for 1/2 a day or something. She might get a wake up call. If not, then she will definitely find out the hard way. But after speaking to a few friends of mine - that were very career orientated etc - after 12 months of maternity leave - they have changed their minds on the path their lives will take. They no longer have the urge to focus on a career.

My only advice is if your friend does decide to take on motherhood - she might have a problems early on - just don't be afraid to offer help - she may need it.

[Jamily]

Hello ladies

Thanks for taking the time to reply - its so interesting to read everyone's responses and also to hear that I am not the only one who couldn't believe how manic, stressful and TIRING motherhood would turn out to be! However, as you all said we wouldn't have it any other way..... :D

As for my friend, well I don't think it is appropriate for me to say anything to her or to be negative - she wouldn't want to hear it, she has made up her mind and all I would do is alienate her. If she follows through with her plans she is going to need all the friends and help she can get! I have told her my experience, but I think she thinks that I am exagerrating a bit! I just wish that she would wait an extra year to get her study out of the way and perhaps do the move she has always wanted. Unfortunately she is quite a highly strung person and while I am certain she won't regret the decision (how could you!) I am nervous that she will be overwhelmed by it all esp as she has suffered depression in the past. I also think that by waiting a year it will give any future bub of hers a better start in life, and not just financially although that too is not an ideal situation - her DH does not earn enough at the moment for them to survive on one salary.

Anyway I am off for a nap as Emily has finally nodded off - yay! :)

[Baby Girl]

I wouldn't say I was prepared for the changes that came with having a baby but I was definitely aware that there would be some huge differences to my life and that they would occur very suddenly.

DD1 was a fairly good baby, only cried when she was hungry or dirty bummed and slept 10 hours a night (10pm to 8am) from 8 weeks. It was still a shock that I was now relied upon 24/7 for everything. Things seem more settled with DD2 and it doesn't seem nearly as hectic or demanding. That must sound strange being that there are now 2 kids but I think you are more relaxed and definitley more aware of what is going to happen.

I think you are right about not being negative towards your friend, the only thing I would do is be encouraging and encourage her to spend a whole day and night with you and your little one so she can be there and see exactly what goes on. Ask her to go everywhere you do that day (including dropping everything you are doing because bub is awake and not due to be for another hour or whatever).

In my opinion, no-one is ever truly prepared to have kids as you don't know what will happen until the baby actually arrives and it is the same with subsequent bubs as each baby is different.

[maybe1more]

Hey there Clairet, I can honestly say i wasnt prepared for motherhood, its not just about looking after a baby its about trying to look after your self and a newborn baby.The sleep depravation got to me the most :eek: i felt like a zombie most of the time, and just to go to the local shops was a task, having to pack the baby bag with EVERYTHING in it, then trying to get a pram out of the car, get a sleeping baby out of the car, grabbing the baby bag, and forgetting were the car keys and your purse have gone!
Most days i would still be in my PJ`s at 4.00 o`clock when my dp got home from work! Even just to go the the toilet or have a shower i would have my baby in the bouncer near the door with the door opened so if bubba cry or got destressed i could see him. Everything becomes a challenge, I never realized it was going to be so hard! It gets a little easier as they get older, they sleep more, you can do more for themselves, but the trips to the shops can be challenging as they want everything on the shelf and want to get out of there pram.(although i dont let Connor out of his pram or im making more work for myself).
As for your friend, i agree, she should wait a year and finish her degree, she will be thankfull later, but maybe she has to learn that for herself, i dont think she realizes whats she`s in for. The baby fairies arent going to make her pregnant in november. If only you could put your head on her shoulders for a day!
Chat to you soon jenn

[Melissa1983]

I was so shocked when i got introduced to Motherhood, i had so much freedom, a good stable job, and than i was pregnant. I wished all babies slept from 6 weeks, mine still wake up 2-3 times a night! I think you can never prepare yourself for a child, as every child is different.

[shniks]

I really think you need to voice your opinion to your friend. You don't have to be negative, just let her know that it would be better to wait until she finishes school first.
As for me, motherhood was a HUGE shock, I never believed it could be this hard! I had a difficult baby (reflux), not all babies are this hard, but you don't know what your baby will be like so its better not to plan anything major during their 1st year of life. The sleep deprivation was the worst, I would be delusional, there is no way you can study in that state. My baby wanted to be held all day and would cry hysterically when you put her down, I hardly had time to eat or go to the toilet. It got better around 3 months, but even now I still struggle to cook every day and my legs haven't been shaved for months. But even so, I love her very much, she is the best thing that happened to me. I am glad I do not have any other commitments at the moment because I can give her 100%.

[angelcarmie]

I had a lot of contact with small children growing up and loved them but wasnt ready to start my own family as I was happy to be able to hand them back once I had finished playing with them.

However when I fell pregnant even though it wasnt a good time for me (I had just joined the navy and my partner was in another state) there was never a consideration of not keeping my baby.

I worked up until a week before my baby was born and I moved states and houses 3 days before she was born. I would say it doesnt matter how much you read or how much experience wih children you have you can never be fully prepared for all the changes your life will have once a baby arrives. Even little things like going to the toilet alone is impossible.

I was lucky that my daughter was a perfect baby that was healthy and really happy. She fell straight into the routine that I set for her and she slept 13hrs plus a night and about 5 hours thru the day from 3 weeks old.

I found motherhood really easy and was really bored being at home. Once our daughter turned 7mths old I returned to full time work and my husband became stay at home daddy. I may work full time but I do shift work and 13 hour shifts so I only work 3 or 4 days in a week. I see my daughter alot more then many working full time parents and Sometimes due to work and wanting to spend time with my daughter I will only have 3-4 hours sleep a night when Im on night shift but that is the joy of motherhood and we are currently trying for baby number 2.

My hat goes off to all those with unsettled babys but just remember all the joy that they bring and it all seems worth it.

[rynosmum]

I told my workmates that I would be able to work two days a week from home and I'd still get as much work done whilst the baby would sleep and play all day ! :D Well, that's what the ones on TV do !!!

Lucky I didn't actually bet any money on that assumption.....

[Peaceangels]

I think the best thing you can tell a parent-to-be is your life as you currently know it will never be the same - that means every part of it.
I always laugh about my BIL's comment just prior to the birth of his first child - "this child is going to fit into our life, nothing is going to change" LOL :D
This new little bundle of joy in your life consumes your every waking hour, in the first few weeks you are "getting to know each other", then as a routine slowly emerges, it changes just as quickly. I don't think you ever get used to the sleep deprivation, but gradually your own sleeping patterns change (ie you can function on much less sleep than you used to).
It really is something you have to go into with an open mind, I mean its not going to happen how you want it too - most things in life we can control, but this is one major thing we CANNOT control !!
BUT, my goodness isn't it the most wonderfully rewarding experience. :)