it's got to stop

[drunk incognito]

I am a long time BH user, but have signed in 'incognito' to get some advice about something I am worried and ashamed about.

A bit of background - as a teenager and through my 20s I was a very heavy drinker - big binges on the weekend and drank steadily throughout the week too (while managing to hold down a full time job). I have had several bouts of depression throughout my 20s and have been on and off antidepressants for years. Each time the black dog rears it's ugly head, I stop drinking AS much (to try to give myself half a chance at recovering) but once I start to feel better my level of drinking starts to creep up again and the cycle is set in motion once again.

I stopped drinking completely when I was pregnant and drank very little throughout the 15 months that I BF, but since weaning, my drinking has been steadily increasing to now when I am drinking around a bottle of wine a night. I am waking up most mornings feeling rat$**** - hungover & guilty that I let it 'happen again'. I am feeling less and less able to control it and throughout the day whenever anything stresses me out or irritates me (which is more and more often these days) all I can think is "man, I could do with a glass of wine". I know I need to stop. I just don't know how.

I was hoping that I could call on the ever knowledgable BH to swing me some support and some suggestions and to how I can help myself. I need to do this or it is going to destroy me. :gloomy:

TIA

[Just Add Water]

:hugs:

First of all, huge congrats to you for realising that you need help, that takes an amazing amount of strength. :hugs:

I would really suggest going to talk to your gp, or giving alcoholics annonymous a call.

Main website: http://www.aa.org.au/
Phone Numbers: http://www.aa.org.au/contact-aa-phone-helplines.php

Addictions are horrible things which we don't choose to have in our lives, so please don't blame yourself for this disease you are dealing with.

Keep talking about it, even if you stay undercover, hopefully you will realise you have a lot of support on here and no doubt there are members who have been where you are and can help you on this path. :hugs:

[MyFourCubs]

I don't have a huge amount of experience with addiction but I think it's fantastic that you are realising that there is a problem. I also commend you on stopping drinking while you were pregnant and bfing- that is fantastic and a huge accomplishment!:hugs: Don't underestimate how strong you are as you clearly can overcome this with the right motivation. I am not going to attempt to write anymore as I am seriously underqualified but just wanted to give you a :yelclap: for reaching out and asking for help. I hope somebody can jump in with more ideas for you.:fingerscrossed:

[MamaKoala]

Big hugs. Someone with experience will be able to answer better but I think you should cone clean to your family first and get them to support you. AW meetings would be a good start or speak to someone about a recovery program, either out patient or in patient.
Good luck with your recovery.

[SuperGranny]

hi, well done for you to admit you have a problem. that is always the first step to getting help and starting the recovery. I would second the advice of ringing AA or Lifeline, someone to talk to is important. One more step, empty the cupboards of all the wine or other alcohol you have in the house. It is not easy to overcome addictions, but it can be done one day at a time. hugs, Marie.

[Hokey Pokey]

I suffer with severe depression and although I do not drink, I know how hard this is =(

Drinking will definately affect your mental illness which I'm sure you already know.

Have you sought help for your addiction to alcohol?

Big hugs xxxx

[drunk incognito]

Thank you all for your quick replies. OOpsie Daisy - I haven't sought any professional help for my drinking (if that's what you mean). I guess the first step would be to go and speak to my GP. I think that, for me, will be a really, really hard step because it sort of makes it 'official' :crying:

I have tried to speak to my DH about it a few times but I think he doesn't honestly see the problem - he doesn't mind a drink or 'two' himself & I think he thinks I am being a bit overdramatic if that makes sense. To be totally honest with myself, I think he doesn't mind at all if I am a bit pi$$ed of an evening because I tend to get a bit frisky (and stone sober my libido is pretty poor). I don't want to make him out to sound like a total git though - he is wonderfully supportive in all other aspects of life...

[Theophania]

Hi DI

I read your post and it really hit a cord with me. I too have a drinking problem. I was a massive binge drinker before I had kiddies. I stopped drinking while pregnant as well, but it seems as soon as I could I would drink. I have a family history of alcohol abuse so it seems I am set in the cycle.

Since falling pregnant with DD I have seen a drug and alcohol counsellor, a social worker and a psychologist on a regular basis. But at the end of the day they can 't make the changes for me, it is something that is going to have to come from within me... I need to find my inner strength. I know its there, you have it too you also managed to stop drinking while pregnant.

I find that I am often making excuses for myself when I drink. I end up feeling depressed and guilty the next day and swear to never drink again and then two days later after the guilt has passed I find myself opening another bottle of wine. I have tried to stop so many times, but all I can think to myself is 'how boring will life be without a drink', but to be honest life will be so much better because I won't have hang overs to deal with and I can get out of bed and take the kiddies out for the day without freaking out about driving and still being over the legal limit....

I am considering AA. I think the group support is probably going to be the best thing for me now. I don't know where in Aus you are, but if you ever want to chat or need some support I would be happy to chat on FB, MSN or exchange phone numbers. I know how bad it feels when you are continually waking up and slapping yourself for what you did the night before......

:hugs:

[drunk incognito]

thanks for your reply too SM - although I hate to think of anyone else going through this turmoil, it does make me feel a little less alone! Thanks also for your offers of support - I may well take you up on it sometime in the future. I hadn't thought of accessing a one on one D&A councillor - I am not sure I am ready for the whole group AA thing, but a one on one session might be a good start. Thanks for the fuel for thought and wishing you all the best in your personal journey too :hugs:

[Pinkzy]

:hugs::hugs:

As someone who was placed into rehab 3.5 years ago because of my then drinking (and drug) problem, I really feel for you and what you're going through. Apart from the physical pain and illness, I remember the emotional side of it well. The guilt, shame, anxiety, fear. The lengths I'd go to to hide the problem from loved ones (which was pretty easy as I lived alone then).

The suggestions in this thread are great and seeking help is the first (and most important) step you can take. It's also a very wonderful (and a very POSITIVE) thing you've done by reaching out for support and guidance here. You're not alone :)

You will get through this and you will recover - I know you will. If you need a shoulder or someone to talk to please don't hesitate to PM me :hugs:. Sending lots of love, strength and support your way xo.

[Travdan]

Big hugs op. My dad was/is an alcoholic, but he has not had a single drink in over 15 years. I'm so proud of him, it was hard, but it's also hard being a child of alcoholic. The best thing you can do for your kids is face this head on, and I know they'll be so very proud of you when you beat it. Even if they never know about it, you know you have given them everything you can as a mother. You are so so brave to admit that this is a problem, and I just want to wish you all the best and support in this new chapter of your life. Take care xxx

[drunk incognito]

thanks again for your support & for sharing your stories with me. I will keep you all posted on my progress - and hopefully it will be lots of 'progress' and not too much 'regress' :dizzy:

[Hokey Pokey]

Thank you all for your quick replies. OOpsie Daisy - I haven't sought any professional help for my drinking (if that's what you mean). I guess the first step would be to go and speak to my GP. I think that, for me, will be a really, really hard step because it sort of makes it 'official' :crying:

I have tried to speak to my DH about it a few times but I think he doesn't honestly see the problem - he doesn't mind a drink or 'two' himself & I think he thinks I am being a bit overdramatic if that makes sense. To be totally honest with myself, I think he doesn't mind at all if I am a bit pi$$ed of an evening because I tend to get a bit frisky (and stone sober my libido is pretty poor). I don't want to make him out to sound like a total git though - he is wonderfully supportive in all other aspects of life...

It is a hard thing to do but believe me after speaking to a good gp you will walk away with a slight weight lifted off your shoulder. It is the FIRST step to getting better :hugs:
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat ;)

[Theophania]

Hi DI

I just wanted to check in and see how you are going? Are you doing alright?

[FiveInTheBed]

:hugs:
I think the advice to talk to aa or somthing similar is a good idea if you feel like it is out of control.

I can relate with the history and the ease and regret of downing a bottle of wine.

Maybe..well I know personally I have had to think whether I want 'it' to be out of my life completely or just manage to have the strength to have the occassional drink and the will power to stop.

Not having any alcohol kept/stashed/ stored in the house would be a start...and maybe limiting a quiet drink to the weekend and with company (and someone that cand remind you to stop or slow down) ..if wine is your choice - there are some bottles that are a low percentage, or maybe try a bottle of non alcholic to stand in like a placebo - the mind over matter and memory jogged by the taste might just be enough to help you chill out.

If having it out of your life is the way you want to go - substitute it with another special 'time out' for you. yoga? painting? reading? etc etc

Speaking to someone like Beyond Blue might be a good path to go down aswell...feeling depressed and stressed can lead to wanting to numb the pain or ease the tension with a stiff option - which, as you know leads to feeling more depressed..because alcohol is a depressant.



Best of luck with your challenge xx

[drunk incognito]

Hi ladies and thanks to those of you who checked in to see how things have been going. It's been a while between posts and there has been a bit going on. I went and saw my GP about 3 weeks ago and we decided (something that I knew was inevitable) to start me back on antidepressants - but to try a different type this time (lovan/ fluoxitine) as the ones I had been on previously had some pretty yucky side effects. The new antidepressants have left me feeling pretty exhausted - the old paradox - they make me sleepy if I take them during the day, but give me insomnia if I take them at night :hair: I think I am slowly getting used to them though and the fatigue is settling a little bit. I have been feeling a lot better 'within' myself - happier, less irritable & more motivated to do stuff which is great.

I have found that the urge to drink copious amounts of an evening is starting to diminish as well. I can definitely see that there is a massive degree of self medicating in my drinking patterns and I sincerely think that if I get my depression under control that my drinking will follow suit. In a way (and I don't know if this sounds stupid or naive) I think that at least some of the time I was feeling guilty for no real reason. Having 2 drinks of an evening is no reason to be filled with self loathing - yet no matter how little or how much I drank, I would still feel equally disgusted with myself. Having 1/2 - 1 bottle of wine is not a great idea - but that hasn't happened for weeks now & I don't have the urge to do that at the moment. Does this sound like a cop out? I hope not, because it really does sound very clear and reasonable in my head!

My GP will be seeing me fortnightly and also wants me to get some counselling which I am yet to organise.

Thanks again for al your help, support and advice and I will try update with how things are going!:hugs:

[roogrrrl]

I'm so glad I found this forum thread. DI, I can totally relate.

I'm not a heavy drinker, but I have been in the past. Lately I have been having a drink here and there, but sometimes two glasses became a whole bottle of wine.

I don't know why I'm doing it. Part of it is a strange sense that I want to have my 'old life' back. I miss that freedom of having no responsibilities but really, the truth is, my addictive behaviours were a lot more destructive than I could admit at the time. And now I've got so much to lose.

I finally sat down and had a chat with my husband last night. He was concerned because he has been noticing the signs that I've been drinking (mysterious empty bottles, the slowly disappearing tequila) but since I rarely drink in front of him, he was worried I was drinking during the day.

I have only had a couple of times when I have had a drink during the day, and I felt like complete crap afterward. I'm such a coward that I've been unable to admit that to anyone, not even my husband. His father was an alcoholic and I don't want him to have to deal with that with me.

I've committed to stopping this behaviour. I kept telling myself that it wasn't a problem, but it's not the drinking itself, it's the fact that I'm hiding it. If I feel like I have to hide it, it's obviously something I know I ought not to be doing.

I feel like there's nobody I can talk to about this.
I feel like I'm a terrible mother and wife and I want to change but I feel so isolated and bored so often sometimes drinking just makes it easier to pass the time.
Having no support system sucks.
:(
Sorry to sound so moody, I'm just finally able to come out about this and I needed to see it all written down.

Thanks again. This thread is really helpful. I'm glad I'm not alone.

[Theophania]

I'm so glad I found this forum thread. DI, I can totally relate.

I'm not a heavy drinker, but I have been in the past. Lately I have been having a drink here and there, but sometimes two glasses became a whole bottle of wine.

I don't know why I'm doing it. Part of it is a strange sense that I want to have my 'old life' back. I miss that freedom of having no responsibilities but really, the truth is, my addictive behaviours were a lot more destructive than I could admit at the time. And now I've got so much to lose.

I finally sat down and had a chat with my husband last night. He was concerned because he has been noticing the signs that I've been drinking (mysterious empty bottles, the slowly disappearing tequila) but since I rarely drink in front of him, he was worried I was drinking during the day.

I have only had a couple of times when I have had a drink during the day, and I felt like complete crap afterward. I'm such a coward that I've been unable to admit that to anyone, not even my husband. His father was an alcoholic and I don't want him to have to deal with that with me.

I've committed to stopping this behaviour. I kept telling myself that it wasn't a problem, but it's not the drinking itself, it's the fact that I'm hiding it. If I feel like I have to hide it, it's obviously something I know I ought not to be doing.

I feel like there's nobody I can talk to about this.
I feel like I'm a terrible mother and wife and I want to change but I feel so isolated and bored so often sometimes drinking just makes it easier to pass the time.
Having no support system sucks.
:(
Sorry to sound so moody, I'm just finally able to come out about this and I needed to see it all written down.

Thanks again. This thread is really helpful. I'm glad I'm not alone.

How incredibly brave of you to finally admit you have a problem, its hard, I know. But the best thing is you have realised its an issue and you have the strength to deal with these issues. I am an alcoholic, I am sober today, and that is all I can ask. I take it one day at a time and with the help of Alcoholics Anonnymous I get a daily reprive from my disease. Alcoholism is a disease, its a progressive disease, it never gets better it just keeps getting worse, unless you take steps to fight it. I have found so much peace since joining AA, I have met some wonderful people there and the support I have found is amazing. Everyone welcomed me with open arms, and finally for the first time in my life I can see things getting better for me :)

I have done some horrible things whilst drinking, things I am definitely not proud of. I found when I would drink I didn't have time for my children, we never went out and did things because I was hung over or depressed because of my last binge. That feeling is truly horrible. I made the choice that my children would no longer suffer because of my addiction. It wasn't fair on them or my husband and I am just so thankful I was one of the lucky ones that could see what my issue was. It took alot for me to finally get myself to AA, I tried for 2 years to control my drinking and like so many others a 6 pack of beer or a glass of wine ended with a bender :(

Have you ever thought of going along to an AA meeting? I would suggest going to one to check out what they offer. You can always leave if you decide its not for you. But honestly the strength and courage I have now is something I never knew existed within me.

If you ever want to have a talk please PM me, if you wanna have a chat on the phone we can exchange numbers or something. Please don't think there is no support out there for you. You don't have to go through this alone :hugs:

[~ElectricPink~]

I just wanted to stop by and give you some *hugs* OP! I think that you are very brave for reaching out and asking for help, often that is the hardest step of all!
I don't really have any experiences with alcohol addiction, I have used alcohol in the past to "self-medicate" during rough times, but luckily I haven't actually formed an addiction. I can see how easy that would be however. I just wanted to give you some advice regarding the anti-depressants. What dose are you on? I've been on 30mg of celapram for the last 6 months, I too had the issue of when to take them. If I took them in the morning I would be drowsy all day, and have uncontrollable yawning, yet if I took it at night I could not sleep. My dr suggested splitting the doses...I have found that having 20mg at night and 10mg in the morning works perfectly for me! Perhaps this is something you could discuss with your dr?
Again *hugs*, I wish you luck, you can do this!!! :)