Strategies to prevent selfish greediness?

[Piffle]

Hmmm I'm really very disturbed by all the threads about the terrible behaviour of kids at Christmas time. Especially regarding the selfish uncaringness and greed about presents etc. I've been wondering what I can do to prevent this happening with DS in the future (he's 14 months now).

Does anyone have any ideas?

The strategies I have come up with so far:
1) Every Christmas DS can round up a boxful of toys he doesn't play with anymore to give to "poor kids" (charity) so they can have a nice Christmas too.
2) Try to get him really involved with the gift GIVING e.g. pick out pressies and wrap them.
3) Don't get too many pressies for him - I feel maybe a lot of the problem comes from kids getting mountains of pressies at Christmas, the specialness of each pressie is diminished cause it's all about what's coming next, and the total tally etc. This Christmas we intended just to get him a sandpit and a few stocking stuffers from Santa but with all the family pressies (:rolleyes:), it really added up. Will try to be more strict about this in future years.
4) Also, I remember as a child Mum giving me a lecture about not being selfish if I wasn't thankful for a pressie and explaining I need to say thankyou and appreciate the gifts even if I don't like it very much (this came after getting a Bible as a present hahaha). So I may need to employ more obvious tactics to explain about correct behaviour also.

Any other ideas or thoughts? What do you do?

Cheers!! :santa:

[BigRedV]

I thnk you could get your child to list 10 things he wants, and maybe get him 5 of them.

[Aussiemummy]

We do homemade gifts and things which are sentimental.... homesewn and painted clothes, homemade teddybears, cooking, scrapbooking, having photos developed, printing a nice poem or quotes, vouchers to spend days together to see something new etc...

Also every year we buy or donate towards the kmart wishing tree, food collections and any other charities needing help...

I thought once Ds gets a bit older and is able to understand more we'd buy things from oxfam... like a goat, school supplies etc for people in 3rd world countries...

I have also heard of families baking muffins and making cards for sick children in hospital over christmas, elderly in retirement homes or sending packages to those who are in the army/navy/airforce etc....

[MarchMumma]

Totally agree with you! Our little guy is only 9 months old, but after witnessing the appalling and ungrateful behavior of our nephew yesterday, my Dh and I have decided to adopt similar strategies to what you've outlined. We are going to do the annual toy cleanse each year, but give it to a womens refuge centre or something for kids who really need toys!

[Mmm Dessert]

OP, I do roughly the same thing with my two big kids (aged four and two) that you've outlined.

I'm very strict with manners from my children anyway, but even more so when it comes to gift giving and receiving. I always try and get them to hand out their gifts first (sometimes it's the adults who get too excited and start loading them up with presents the minute they walk in the door) and show their appreciation for what they've been given.

Today we also spent some time going through their toys, picking out what they've finished with that can be donated to charity. I've explained that some children can't afford new toys, so this is like their present to them.

I'm proud, and a little bit embarrassed, to say that they were both absolute gems yesterday and today. (Apart from a little sleep-deprived meltdown from DD in the late afternoon).

[nothanksbye]

I think kids get rude because they are usually exhausted and overwhelmed.

So the best strategy is to pace it out.
Kids usually unwrap pressies and take a million phone calls, then go visiting or have people in their house..get more pressies, speak to more people... Mum and dad usually get a lot more relaxed and normal routine and rules go out the window, so the kids get more wound up then usual.

They crash and behave how anyone would when exhausted and overwhelmed with no idea how to lift back out of it.

Christmas burn out...I just cover mine with strawberry champagne.

My kids got spoilt rotten and didnt turn psycho..this year...

But we had NO one over to the house, we didnt go anywhere. They had to have a nap after lunch and we watched a movie together.
We went out today and they got more pressies.


But it was paced and slow and they didnt lose it.

DS did cry when he got a bike..but it was happy tears.

[Señor Chang]

One thing my parents did was that with any money we received through gifts, chores or pocket money we had to save a portion and donate a portion. We could choose the amount and who we wanted to donate it to. It could be a charity or it could be buying a lunch order for a kid at school who didn't have lunch. We always spoke about why it was more important to give rather than receive.

[Dannielle]

My girls are always really excited and happy with what they get. Even yesterday when they got the presents from family you couldn't tell what they liked more as they seemed just as happy with the new clothes as they did with the books or toys.

We always go through all their toys etc together every year before christmas and give away anything they don't really want anymore to charity.

They DO get TONS of presents from Santa though. Then anything from 1 to 3 or 4 things from us. But it never costs a lot overall. They don't get big $$$ items. They do all get a few presents the same or similar but even when 1 opened things that the other hadn't opened yet I didn't have 1 jealous at all.

We always include things they need for school the next year plus anything else they need. So, amongst this years presents were art smocks (for my twins), drink bottles, insulated bags, pencils, textas, pencil cases, pens, highlighters and library bags. They also got new clothes, toothbrushes and travel containers (we are going away), book lights, books, cheapie lanterns and puzzle books. And they even got a new little toy storage box (one of those one's that comes folded up made with material) which they loved. They got a few toys and dolls too.

I always take them shopping to get their sisters presents from them too. This year I gave them $6 each for each sister and we just went to the local shops. They were SO excited and really put some thought into what they picked. I have to admit by the time we finished I was a bit over it as it had taken so long but they were pretty cute trying to choose the perfect thing within their price range and then hide it from their sisters and wrap them when we got home. Then yesterday morning they couldn't wait to see each others reactions when they opened their presents. It's one of my favourite things about christmas.

We have had some tantrums from the little ones last night and today but I really think thats more to do with the food they have eaten and maybe tiredness. And there has been no problems at all present wise even when we discovered one of DD2's presents was broken while DD1's and DD3's were working. I just told DD2 we would see what we could do today about fixing it and she was fine with that. (And luckily I was able to swap it over early this morning.) But things are definately going to change next year and even New Years Eve this year and I will be in control of all the snack foods.

[Piffle]

Thanks for all the suggestions guys! It's good to know that that behaviour is not inevitable. :dizzy:

W+E+O - no need to be embarrassed at all! It sounds like your kids have lovely manners through your loving hard work. :thumbsup:

Danielle - your DDs sounds lovely - so why do you think your kids are so well behaved etc? Do you have any specific advice regarding that?

A,R,BMum - it's true that kids are often overwrought on these big days but I don't see that as an excuse for greedy, selfish behaviour.

AussieMummy - you sound like a saint! :eek::p What great ideas but I don't know if I have time or ability to homemake pressies etc. I love the idea of helping out with muffings etc at nursing homes/hospitals.

BigRedV - the list is a good idea. We had a "wish list" on the fridge when we were growing up and we certainly didn't get everything on it. Personally I think it would be very damaging to a child to get absolutely everything they wanted.

SenorChang and MarchMumma - thanks guys! :thumbsup:

[nothanksbye]

A,R,BMum - it's true that kids are often overwrought on these big days but I don't see that as an excuse for greedy, selfish behaviour.

[:

ok..fair enough.
My children are not greedy or selfish.

DS asked what he did to deserve so much.

maybe some kids are just born rude little sh!tes.

They usually turn into rude big adults.

I do think we expect far too much from our children when most of the time the blame lies fair and square in the lap of the adult.

It will never be about strategies for christmas that will fix that...but have a human relationship with them will.

Not giving them a million presents and then sending them off to play with no attention or family input..

[Piffle]

Err... okay. :confused: If I read the tone of your post right, you seem offended and insulting to me. I never said your kids were greedy and selfish. I was just saying that I think there are separate issues at play. :chillpill:

[nothanksbye]

Err... okay. :confused: If I read the tone of your post right, you seem offended and insulting to me. I never said your kids were greedy and selfish. I was just saying that I think there are separate issues at play. :chillpill:

no not at all..:confused:

just sharing my POV.

Quite chilled...but will have another glass of champagne! lol maybe thats what you read into it..

[Piffle]

Ah! Nevermind, you edited after I read it. ;)

[Misschief]

As an older child (8 years and over) we got a catalog and could choose toys/items upto the value of 50 dollars. Anything over that was not accepted. You could chose 3 small gifts of $15 each or 1 big gift of $50,-

As a younger child we made a wishlist. Mum/dad would sit with us and write down our wishes on 1 list. Our parents would then pick out the cheapest gift from Santa and the dearer presents from them.

Every year on the 31st of December, we would go through all our toys and gave our unused toys to the Dutch equivalent of the Salvation army.
It turned into a tradition to do this and my sis and I actually looked forward to it.

DS has his birthday in the same week as Christmas. I will have to work on explaining to him thoroughly what presents are for his birthday and which ones are for Christmas.
I might have to get him to make 2 lists. A list for Santa with small and cheap stuff and a list for mum for his birthday with bigger and more expensive stuff.
Lucky that he only has 1 set of grandparents though and no other family here. He cant get too spoiled when I am the one who buys most of the presents :)

[Dannielle]

Danielle - your DDs sounds lovely - so why do you think your kids are so well behaved etc? Do you have any specific advice regarding that?


Not really well behaved. :laughing: We have had a number of huge tantrums from DD2 & DD3 between last night and tonight. But nothing involving their presents or jealousy. Just silly tanties about nothing much every time which I think is the food they ate.

I think they really are actually happy with anything they get. Sure they would like some things more than others of course. Usually they have 4 or 5 things on their wish list. And they know Santa doesn't always bring everything they ask for. There was 1 present that one of my girls thought was funny about yesterday and that was a book she was given. Not because it was a book but because the title was something about a "poo plant" or something. I can't remember now but she was smirking and whispered to me she thought the book was a bit rude.

[Maximum22]

dont be selfish and greedy, monkey see, monkey do

[flicker]

OP i think with what you have already planned and the way you are thinking, i dont think you will run into too many problems. you sound like a lovely caring mummy.

parents who spend time with thier kids, take the time to talk through with them as to what christmas really, i dont think you will see greediness. whether christmas to you is about time with family or is focused on the christian tradition, i think it is what you make it. i think there are some families that spend christmas day going from house to house opening presents. so how would they not be focused on that? at risk of getting my head bitten off, i dont believe it is the kids fault.

one thing i think is excellent is reading some really good books that help promote disscussing giving, being grateful, and help them appreaciate what counts. there are some lovely christmas stories out there that are not based around pressies.

for us christmas is about the birth of Jesus and i think by taking food for the homless to church and to listening to the message kept things clear to us. sure we loved the pressies too, but there was more to the tradition than just gifts. i know as soon as advent started my parents drummed good behavior at christmas into us. they did a lot of things that have already been suggested, and i have started to do the same.

[Misschief]

for us christmas is about the birth of Jesus and i think by taking food for the homless to church and to listening to the message kept things clear to us.

:iagree: At our church we do a Christmas shoebox. We stuff a shoebox full of new toys and things and write on it for what age it is meant to be and if its for a boy or a girl. We then send it off to our Bali and Vietnam missions.
I cant wait for DS to help me buy the presents and put it in the box and decorating it :)

[Areca]

I think if you don't want your kids to be greedy and selfish at Christmas then you need to work on it all year round. Birthday's, Christmas, every time they 'want something.' I have a 5, 3 and 1 year old. My 1 year old is way too young to 'get it' but every time my 5 and 3 year old ask for something I take the time to explain why they can't just have it. I don't just say no. They need to understand why, otherwise how can they get it?
My kids got well and truly spoiled....Santa was fairly reasonable but by the time family presents came in to it it got to be a big amount. They were grateful for every single present. My 5 year old knows about presents being the thought that counts (we recently had this discussion because my parents went overseas and bought back specially made shoes but got confused as to which kid liked dark pink and which kid liked light pink.) So even though she wasn't originally happy with her dark pink shoes (and she did show he disappointment, but she's only just turned 5...she wasn't rude, just her facial expressions showed it) she wears them and she talks about how her grandparents really tried hard to get her something she liked.

A week or two before xmas every year we go through their toys and donate whatever doesn't get played with any more to charity.

Honestly growing up there were 8 kids every Christmas. We all got spoilt rotten but not one of us was ever rude or greedy. I really don't think that spoiling kids once a year = greedy, rude kids. I think that happens through the actions of what goes on the rest of the year.

Oh I should add too...as atheists Christmas for us is ALL about Santa and presents and spending time with family but Santa gets promoted a lot in our house...and our kids still aren't rude or greedy.

[elleandsam]

Our kids will get 2 'large' presents each and a few stocking stuffers like PJs, colouring books, books etc.

We also prefer experiences over gifts, this year for Christmas DH took DD to the Wiggles. Not sure what we'll do next year, maybe take her to the Zoo or Dreamworld.

[bgbgbb]

I was the OP in one of the other posts (it was my older 2 who were the rudest) and I made the suggestion that next year we ask their rellies to give them vouchers for things, rather than gifts. We'll be in Ireland (spending Christmas ith DH's family) so wont have the suitcase capacity to bring tonnes of presents home anyway. Apart from the obvious vouchers (movies, which the kids love), they could do things such as vouchers to take them to the footy, for a sleepover, to the zoo. My girlfriend did that once for them and they loved their vouchers; the anticipation of the sleepover kept them thrilled for weeks. When they came to her place she took them into the city to look at the sights and bought them a special cup-cake and they had the best experience ever!

We try so hard not to over-indulge our kids and teach them manners (with 6 if you let them run riot, we'd be basket cases before you'd know it!:hair:) Areca, I agree that one day doesn't mean spoilt, greedy kids. Like you, we didn't overindulge them ourselves, but one of DH's brothers went overboard with the gifts, which literally tipped their manners overboard.

I guess the next question is, is it alright to ask relatives/friends to restrict the amount or value of gifts they give your children, or even ask them to give a 'voucher' for an experience like I'm hoping for next year?

[elleandsam]

Bgbgbb - absolutely it's alright to ask relatives to restrict the amount they spend! You're the parents so it's your right to choose to value politeness, respectfulness and giving to others rather then your kids just getting 'stuff.'

[Misschief]

Bgbgbb - absolutely it's alright to ask relatives to restrict the amount they spend! You're the parents so it's your right to choose to value politeness, respectfulness and giving to others rather then your kids just getting 'stuff.'

:iagree: I would give them a list of items the kids want and tell them to pick 1 item only. Or give them a limit of say $50,- or whatever.

[Dannielle]

I guess the next question is, is it alright to ask relatives/friends to restrict the amount or value of gifts they give your children, or even ask them to give a 'voucher' for an experience like I'm hoping for next year?

Yes, definately. We usually spend about $25/$30 on each other. It's not a formal thing and sometimes we will spend a bit more if we want to but we don't go overboard. My mum gave them quite a few presents but it wouldn't have added up to much more than that. We tend to include clothes most years.

[TimTamsandTea]

I think kids get rude because they are usually exhausted and overwhelmed.

So the best strategy is to pace it out.
Kids usually unwrap pressies and take a million phone calls, then go visiting or have people in their house..get more pressies, speak to more people... Mum and dad usually get a lot more relaxed and normal routine and rules go out the window, so the kids get more wound up then usual.

They crash and behave how anyone would when exhausted and overwhelmed with no idea how to lift back out of it.


Christmas burn out...I just cover mine with strawberry champagne.

My kids got spoilt rotten and didnt turn psycho..this year...

But we had NO one over to the house, we didnt go anywhere. They had to have a nap after lunch and we watched a movie together.
We went out today and they got more pressies.


But it was paced and slow and they didnt lose it.

DS did cry when he got a bike..but it was happy tears.


I agree! I think it is an incredibly charged day for many children. Relaxed boundaries, consuming food they normally wouldn't eat, an overwhelming amount of noise and attention - it's no wonder some children get the 'sillies' and come across as rude. That's not to say that such behaviour should be ignored. Instead, I would have an immediate and quiet conversation with my child in private combined with an opportunity to take a break from the madness. I think the managment of the day is just as important to consider as the whole gift giving business.

But I do maintain that being 'spoilt' once a year does not make for a spoilt child. To argue so implies that the remaining 364 days of thoughtful parenting is somehow inconsequential and that, to me, defies logic. I find the attention given to managing Christmas really interesting and a little dramatic - does anybody really believe that the events that take place on one day will forever determine a child's personal attributes?

In saying that, I'm not arguing that donating gifts or asking relatives to limit the number of gifts is not worthwhile. But does a child really learn how to be selfless and grateful for what they have based on the response to a once a year event? Ah, call me silly, but I think Christmas has become another over-thought, over-analysed and micro-mananaged event.


P.S. OP I hope you don't take offence at my reply - it's not really directed at you. Rather, it's in response to a general and seemingly growing fear of raising feral children based on an indulgent Christmas.

[share a book]

I think it comes in time, and toddlers are selfish by nature, they believe the world revolves around them. Usually it does. It's not about doing things at Christmas time, it's about talking to them and teaching them as they get older and in ways suitable for their level of understanding so they grow to realise the world is made up of all sorts of people in all sorts of situations. Mine went through that stage where she just thought that everyone who came here was here to see her, every time someone had a party it was about her. She was about 2 at the time, and she did grow out of it purely by being spoken to about it all the time. Every time she had (has) a growth spurt, she can choose which clothes can be handed down to family and which ones can go to charity. Because she's the oldest out of all the kids in the family, all her better quality clothing goes through the cousins and is now being handed back for when my little neice or nephew comes along in a few months, that will be the 5th child. She is spoken to about kids who don't get enough food in a day so whenever a drive is done through school she'll take $10 and buy something with it. Toddlers don't yet have that understanding, but that's when it's about leading by example. Putting back the chocolate bar and instead putting that money into the tin for the children's hospital or the cancer council that's sitting on the counter. I don't mean to deprive yourself of goodies all the time, but just sometimes doing that and talking to your child (even at 2) about what you are doing and why you are doing it will eventually lead to your child understanding it.

[mrsd]

OP i think with what you have already planned and the way you are thinking, i dont think you will run into too many problems. you sound like a lovely caring mummy.

parents who spend time with thier kids, take the time to talk through with them as to what christmas really, i dont think you will see greediness. whether christmas to you is about time with family or is focused on the christian tradition, i think it is what you make it. i think there are some families that spend christmas day going from house to house opening presents. so how would they not be focused on that? at risk of getting my head bitten off, i dont believe it is the kids fault.

one thing i think is excellent is reading some really good books that help promote disscussing giving, being grateful, and help them appreaciate what counts. there are some lovely christmas stories out there that are not based around pressies.

for us christmas is about the birth of Jesus and i think by taking food for the homless to church and to listening to the message kept things clear to us. sure we loved the pressies too, but there was more to the tradition than just gifts. i know as soon as advent started my parents drummed good behavior at christmas into us. they did a lot of things that have already been suggested, and i have started to do the same.

:thumbsup: That's really lovely, Flicker.

My kids get really big birthday presents so we don't really do individual christmas presents. They get a family present to share instead, usually. eg. last year they got a Wii, years ago they got the trampoline, another year they got a table tennis table and basketball hoop.

I've noticed that what my kids actually look forward to is spending the day with rellies they don't usually get to see .. and the food is great! The focus is on family (and Jesus) instead of on what pressies they do or don't get.

[TimTamsandTea]

I think it comes in time, and toddlers are selfish by nature, they believe the world revolves around them. Usually it does. It's not about doing things at Christmas time, it's about talking to them and teaching them as they get older and in ways suitable for their level of understanding so they grow to realise the world is made up of all sorts of people in all sorts of situations. Mine went through that stage where she just thought that everyone who came here was here to see her, every time someone had a party it was about her. She was about 2 at the time, and she did grow out of it purely by being spoken to about it all the time. Every time she had (has) a growth spurt, she can choose which clothes can be handed down to family and which ones can go to charity. Because she's the oldest out of all the kids in the family, all her better quality clothing goes through the cousins and is now being handed back for when my little neice or nephew comes along in a few months, that will be the 5th child. She is spoken to about kids who don't get enough food in a day so whenever a drive is done through school she'll take $10 and buy something with it. Toddlers don't yet have that understanding, but that's when it's about leading by example. Putting back the chocolate bar and instead putting that money into the tin for the children's hospital or the cancer council that's sitting on the counter. I don't mean to deprive yourself of goodies all the time, but just sometimes doing that and talking to your child (even at 2) about what you are doing and why you are doing it will eventually lead to your child understanding it.


I agree. It's important to recognise that young children are naturally egocentric and telling a 2 year old to share/care/be grateful is akin to banging your head against a brick wall. BUT ... continuing to reinforce this message in addition to modelling desirable behaviour over time generally leads to the desired outcome. A very important point, SUS.

[bgbgbb]

With me it was my older 2 (8 and nearly 7) who were ungrateful and calculating how many gifts everyone got, but having spoken to a number of friends since with kids the same age, they said their kids were also like this, so must be something with the age.

DH put them all in their place yesterday when we were out at the shops. They were all "Can you get me that", "I want this!" and he turned to them all and said, "So, with your pocket money, who thought to buy a present for mummy this Christmas". They all shock their heads, of course they hadn't. They then turned to me and asked me how many presents I got this Christmas and I replied that from them and Daddy, I got none.

No-one said anything about wanting anything for the rest of the day, and I used up a few well secreted gift cards from ages ago & bought myself some lovely gifts!!!!:D

[share a book]

With me it was my older 2 (8 and nearly 7) who were ungrateful and calculating how many gifts everyone got, but having spoken to a number of friends since with kids the same age, they said their kids were also like this, so must be something with the age.

DH put them all in their place yesterday when we were out at the shops. They were all "Can you get me that", "I want this!" and he turned to them all and said, "So, with your pocket money, who thought to buy a present for mummy this Christmas". They all shock their heads, of course they hadn't. They then turned to me and asked me how many presents I got this Christmas and I replied that from them and Daddy, I got none.

No-one said anything about wanting anything for the rest of the day, and I used up a few well secreted gift cards from ages ago & bought myself some lovely gifts!!!!:D

It comes and goes. Teens are also quite egocentric and they will probably go through it again at some stage as teens. After the conversation you had about it, don't be surprised if they think twice about things over the next few Christamses before slipping back into it for a year or so before really outgrowing it. Good that you bought yourself something lovely though! Good on you!