Sleep...

[titania]

Hi All,

Advance Warning - this is going to be a bit of a marathon post, but I am having a pretty hard time and badly need some advice other than "let her cry, she will learn" etc...

My DD is 13 weeks old and has not been a good sleeper from day one. She has always fought sleep and generally only fallen asleep in people's arms when completly exhausted. Once she is asleep, she will then only sleep for short periods and then refuse to resettle even though she is still tired.

She had terrible colic for a time, crying from 9pm to midnight or later almost every night. That has resolved and she doesn't cry as much now, but she still won't go to sleep until 11pm most nights. She will cat nap in my DH's or my arms throughout the evening, but is tired and grumpy most of the time.

She tends to wake for a feed at around 5am and comes in to bed with me from therein until she is ready to get up at around 10am. She then has some low key play until she has a top-up feed and goes for a sleep until around midday or 1pm.

When she wakes up after this sleep she is bright, alert, happy and lots of fun. She goes downhill from there refusing to sleep except for the cat naps decsribed above.

I had a baby bjorn and used that for a time and for a little while it worked - she would sleep for a couple of hours, but then she started crying like crazy when I put her in it and I read that they weren't very good for their hips anyway, so I decided to change to another type of carrier. (I have just bought an ergo carrier, but again, she is crying like crazy when I put her in it, so I wonder if her hips are still a little smal for it and I should get the infant insert for it until she is a bit bigger)

I spoke to my MCHN and told her how concerned I was about how little DD sleeps and how much she cries (all of which has thrown me into PND) She has always been a big supporter of instintive parenting, promoting breast feeding, baby wearing and co-sleeping - she is brilliant. So she enrolled me in a Day Stay program to help me learn some settling techniques.

So after spending the day learning "Keys to Caregiving" yesterday, I am really confused. I should have asked lots more questions yesterday, but I was so overwhelmed and it has taken me until today to get my head around everything. They taught me to put Mackenzie in her cot awake and let her put herself to sleep, so that she learns to self settle. That way she will put herself back to sleep after each sleep cycle and stay asleep until she is really ready to wake rather than just when she is upset. That all sounds great, except for DD fighting it hammer and tongs all the way.

A couple of times yesterday and last night she settled easily with just a bit of patting and shushing and I felt like it was going to work! But at each day sleep yesterday and her one this morning she has woken after only 45 minutes and refused to go back to sleep although she is obviously still tired. Right now she is asleep on my chest (so I am confined to my desk chair as she wouldn't go into the Ergo) cos she was exhausted so I held her while she cried herself to sleep.

I guess now is the time to get to my question! I don't know if I should perservere with trying to get her to sleep in her bassinet, having strict 1.5-2hr sleeps several times a day or if I should try and get her into the carrier for all her sleeps through the day. I definately can't let her keep going the way she has been with little to no sleep throughout the days and staying up until 11pm, it is killing me and my relationship with DH. I am depressed because she is crying so much and I feel like a failure, i can't go out anywhere because she will fall asleep in the car, but wake as soon as we get wherever we are going and then cry because she is still tired. DH is started to get really over it also and we are stsrting to get snappy and short with each other too because we are just both on edge.

I have even tried sleeping with her through the day to see if that will help since she sleeps really well with me overnight, but no she cries there too if she doesn't want to sleep.

I really like the concepts of Attachment Parenting, but I just don't know if they can work with a baby who fights sleep as much as she does.

Help?

[MrsMiggins]

I really feel for you! This sounds a lot like my DD at the same age. Add to that the fact that she is a light sleeper (we ended up walking around on eggshells for fear of waking her once she finally did fall asleep!) and there were a lot of very tired people in our house! We were lucky though in that she would often sleep for long periods (4-5 hours at a time) if left undisturbed once she did get to sleep.

I can really only offer you sympathy I'm afraid, as nothing we tried ever worked in the long term. It may have worked once or twice, or for a short period, but then her sleep habits would change & we'd be back to square one.

It does get better though & you also adapt, making it so much easier to cope. My DD was a great night time sleeper (although she'd fight it) but now she is going through a bad night time sleep patch. :rolleyes:

I found that I had to ignore the "let her cry it out" brigade. It simply did not work for my DD. I always thought the more natural AP type of methods were more suited to me anyway and any time I tried to let DD "cry it out" it only made things much, much worse. Not everything works for every baby. My DD strenuously objected being placed down until she was able to crawl! So we really had no choice but to tote her around everywhere (luckily she crawled early!) My DD did love the baby bjorn - I had a sling for when she was bigger, but she didn't like it much when she was small. I think she was a bit lost in all the fabric.

Will your DD feed to sleep? I was told not to do this, but found it was the only thing that would work consistently.

DH & my relationship was also strained during this time, and trust me it does get better. You are not a failure as a mother - none of us have the patience of a saint! It really is exhausting and frustrating (not to mention disheartening!) when you have done all you can & nothing is working. I understand - I have been there!:hugs:

Also, on the car sleeping thing, my DD used to fall asleep in the car, only to wake up as soon as the car stopped. Now when she falls asleep in the car, I can not only go & unlock the front door with her still in the car, but then go back, get her out & place her in her cot & she doesn't stir! So there is hope there!! (Mind you, I hate it when she falls asleep on the way to somewhere as I have no success getting her to stay asleep in the pram!)

Feel free to PM me if you want any support. I do know what you are going through. Sorry I can't offer more practical help for you!

[titania]

Thanks Mrs Miggins - it does help to know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I really appreciate you posting.

DD will feed to sleep, but wakes as soon as I either try to put her down or move her in to a carrier, so that's not an option unless I am prepared to sit and hold her for the next hour or so. I have been known to do this, but iit's really not ideal, of course!

[the_queen]

aww lovey :hugs: My advice in this situation is to say:
a) bugger the housework and everything else. If hubby won't do it, hire a cleaning lady. Concentrate only on your baby - if you are less stressed about her, then life in general will seem less stressful.

b) if bubs will feed to sleep, then needs you to hold her while she sleeps, then do this. That's what I have always done with my boy.

c) get a Hug-A-Bub, or similar wrap carrier, baby will sleep in this I promise, and it leaves your hands free to do things you need to do.

d) DO NOT STRESS about "making a rod for your back" or "creating bad habits" etc etc. The way I look at sleep, in regards to Attached Parenting, is that you need to look at each child differently (this is why I completely disagree with "baby trainers") and if your little one is a good sleeper at night, but needs her mummy during the day, then that's just what you have to do. Life can be put on hold for a few months while she's little - think about how long you're going to be a parent for, is it really that much trouble to cuddle her all the time while she's this little?

Are you eating well, are you having anything caffeinated (ie cola, coffee, tea, chocolate)? Are you eating "windy" vegetables eg cabbage, brussel sprouts, beans, etc? Are you eating heaps of dairy? Are you drinking lots of soft drinks? All these things can upset a baby's tummy through your milk, maybe try an elimination diet and see if that has any effect.

Overall - relax, follow your instincts, do what works. Don't listen to sleep trainers, try to just spend time with her in a rocking chair or a big comfy chair, after a feed just sit with her and enjoy her, have lots of big cuddles and just let her drift off; when she fights sleep, try to calm her by being really calm yourself. Try burning some lavender oil, lavender is very calming.

I really hope things get better for you very soon, if you were in Adelaide I'd come over and give you a hand, but sadly Victoria is a bit too far to go ;)
:hugs: :hugs:

[*Chels*]

awww honey I know how you feel.
My son has never been a great sleeper either.I was at my wits end,and went to a day stay clinic and it was a diaster.
I felt like an incompentent mother,and didnt really know what I was doing,and felt bullied into alot of things.I tried controlled crying and it broke my heart.I was stressed and my son was stressed.
I decided to just go with the flow.I let my son sleep when HE wanted to sleep,I stopped timing his sleep and was happy when he did sleep-some sleep is better than any at all!
once I started doing that we both relaxed.
I totally agree with everything Queenie said,shes a legend!
All babies are different,you cant make them do anything!I hate that "making a rod for your own back" business:banghead:
It will get easier when your daughter gets older,I promise!
I have always co-slept.My son is still breastfeeding so its much easier for us both.My DF would rather DS slept in his cot,but I just said "look,hes only gonna be a baby for such a short time,and I want to enjoy it while it lasts!One day he wont wanna sleep with us anymore,and besides,we have the rest of our lives to have our own bed!"
Now DS sleeps in his pram when we are out,and will sleep in the car too.At home he will BF to sleep then I pop him down in our bed for a nap,or lie with him on the couch while hes feeding,then just stay there while he naps.
They are only babies for a short time,so just try to relax and savour the time you have:hugs:

[titania]

Thanks eveyone for your responses, I have had so much pressure from family and friends poo-poohing AP and pointing to her crying as proof that my belief in AP is "obviously misguided psychobabble" it made it very difficult for me to believe in my own instincts that it was the right thing for me and my DD.

Now that I have done the day of "sleep school", tried it a few times at home, seen how unhappy it makes both DD and me - I have finally found the belief in my instincts that I needed to be able to tell everyone else to go to hell. I have gone to the library and borrowed some AP books, bought a hug-a-bub and am ready to defend my decsions hammer and tong. I can now say I tried it their way and it didn't work. Maybe that will shut them up where nothing else has.

Thank you everyone for your supportive posts, I feel confident now that by embracing AP with confidence, DD will feel that confidence in me (as opposed to feeling the turmoil of my indecision) and it will help us both to relax.

[Rainbowbrite]

You sound just like me a while back. I gave in to society's pressure & tried doing things "the right way" :no: Not for us. Embrace AP, & you will see the benifits :yes:

Do what feels right for you, your DH & bub, thats all that matters :hugs:

[lovemybub]

I wish I had some answers for you, but I'd like to send you hugs all the same. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

I know it's easy to feel really lost in the beginning, because you feel so clueless that you feel you have to take everyone's advice, but really, you know your baby better than anyone else, so trust your instincts.

Do you wrap your DD? We found that was the key to our DD staying asleep when we put her down. Even though babies might struggle and appear to not want to be wrapped when you begin to wrap them, I would encourage you to persevere with it because it gives them that secure feeling like being in the womb. Alternatively, you could use a sling, but if you want to actually put her down somewhere, I would suggest you try wrapping her.

Other than that, just trust your instincts and believe in yourself.

Hope things get better soon. :hugs:

[faery]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
to everyone who has sleep-fighting babies!!!
first the advice
leave the dishes. or invest in a dishwasher!!!
get a hug a bub or similar soft carrier.
try cosleeping
ignore the sleep trainer

my little one was a sleep fighter from day one. the only way he would sleep during the day was on my lap or in the hug a bub. and at night between feeding every 2 hours, he would sleep tucked up next to me drunk on milk. if he fell asleep on your chest or in your arms, you couldn't put him down or he would wake up.
and at 6 months.....well, he is still pretty much the same!!! except day sleeps have shortened!! the plus side is he sleep deeper now so once i feed him to sleep i actually can get up and do stuff. whenever dp and i see/read something about self-settling we look at ds and crack up - yeah right!!

but i remember the first few months were awful. i felt awful about not being able to get anything done and stressing about it. but i decided to change my mindset and accept the fact that wakeful is just who ds is and i could fight it and be miserable, or embrace it and figure out how to make it work. the hardest thing i have found is that i am the only one who can get him to stay asleep. it's alot of pressure and there are days when i go a bit nutso but generally i've got it in my mind that it won't last forever and it is really important for me to give him what he need during this early development even when it drives me a bit crazy.

pm if you'd like to chat. it's not easy when it seems like everyone elses babies take naps and give their mummas a break.

[Carmel Jane]

Wow am I glad i went onto this thread... Titania, my daughter is the same!!! I am typing this with one hand as she is asleep in my arms because tonight she just won't go down. You are not alone. I'm sick of people telling me there is something wrong with her, she fights sleep so hard and screams so loudly that people say oh its wind, she is sick or has a sore belly when i know it is just her fighting sleeping on her own!!

I really recommend the cd Sounds for Silence. I find it helps soothe her and yes sometimes she will fall asleep to it in her own. But regardless it always stops the screaming and relaxes her. It has worked for all my friends too.

I think I need to get a hug a bub as I just carry her in my arms and back is gettinng SSOO sore!

Good luck, remember you are not alone and what bub needs most of all is your comfort. That is what I try to remember when frustration sets in.

[MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea]

Hi...I can't offer any better advice about the sleeping than what you've already had, but just thought I'd mention something that helps me after a stressful day with lots of crying (both me and DS!) - when we are both getting tense, I have a warm shower with him...the skin to skin contact and the soothing effect of the patter of warm water on our bodies soothes us both and helps us to reconnect after a stressful day. (Plus I then hand him out to DH to massage and dress and turn the water temp up and have a few minutes to myself).:hugs:

Mel