NEED ADVICE *not sure where I should put this* [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

View Full Version : NEED ADVICE *not sure where I should put this*

lulubelle1984

17-12-2010, 10:25

Ok so this might be a bit of a TMI thread but I really need advice and need to know that I am infact normal....

So anyway my husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years and we have 3 kids together, our youngest has just turned one.
Since having our youngest child I haven't wanted to do the deed... and when we do do the deed I don't feel anything... nothing at all... I have NO sex drive... is this normal?? I try to enjoy myself but nothing!!! It's starting to really affect our relationship... he doesn't know that I have no sex drive and he certantly doesn't know that when we do do the deed that i feel nothing, but he does know he gets sex hardly ever!! haha. we used to do the deed at least 3-5 times a week, now he is lucky to get it once a week... have I got a problem?? why am I not enjoying sex anymore??? How do i get it back :(

17-12-2010, 10:33

You still manage to DTD once a week and you got 3 kid and one is only one? I think you're doing pretty good, DH is lucky to get any once a month! :laughing:

lulubelle1984

17-12-2010, 10:35

Yeah but I have to make myself do it.. and even then im just waiting for him to finish i just want my sex drive back and want to be able to enjoy it :( lol

17-12-2010, 11:54

I guess my first question is, why are you having sex with your husband if you are not in the mood? Do you do it out of obligation to him, to satisfy his needs? Cause if so, that's not exactly fulfilling for you. If you're not ready, or not in the mood, maybe encourage him to have intimacy, but that doesn't lead to sex all the time. Then you might enjoy it more. Women and men are totally different sexually, men just see it as a good release, whereas women tie it much more emotionally, if our emotional needs are not met by our partners there's definately reason for the disconnect in relationships on a sexual level. This is just from personal experience and my friends who i'm fairly open with. If everything else is fine and it's just you not feeling in the mood you could take a look at some alternative treatments like that wyld for women.

Boobycino

17-12-2010, 12:03

My advice is don't dtd unless you want to.

At the time my dp gets a bit stroppy, or huffy, or just sighs and rolls over. Sometimes I wish I could just snuggle without getting his hopes up!

But in the light of day I tell him would you rather I just *give in*. He knows.... Ahem.... Knows.... I really enjoy dtd. Really, very much.

But only really a few times a month.

Ill try to get myself in the mood during ovulation time, but generally I only dtd when I truly want to, because it is so.... Errmm... Boring.... Annoying.... Dtd when I'm not in the mood.

And I'm sure my dp hasn't appreciated a couple of times where I have and I've snapped at him for trying to make the luv making last longer and I've literally said 'just get it over with'... In a bored kinda way..

The overall sex life we have is far better for it. We are passionate when we do. And I won't dtd unless I'm going to *ahem* finish.... *ahem*... Otherwise why bother? Lol.

Just means he has to have a bit more.... Alone time....

SuperGranny

17-12-2010, 12:16

hi lulubelle, I just want to suggest, could there be something physically not right?? There could be something not completly healed after your last birth, or there could be a cyst or something ?? I think I would go to a doc and just be checked , just the usual pap smear might indicate something. There can be a minor problem that doesnt cause any pain, but just takes your libido away. Just a thought. Marie.

MamaBleech

17-12-2010, 12:27

Are you breastfeeding? BF plays havoc with your hormones and consequently your libido.

bumMum

17-12-2010, 12:33

I think take the pressure off yourself to be having sex once a week. Your husband will understand you are not feeling it just tell him the truth and say you are as concerned and disappointed as him. I had sex issues (pain related) after my son and the best thing was to just be honest with myself and partner and not put pressure on myself. Secondly you can go to your gynaecologist and talk about this stuff and have tests done etc to make sure its not hormonal which is definitely possible! Failing anything physical its probably just being over tired and all that I reckon which I'm sure is completely normal, at least its normal for me at times

CazHazKidz

17-12-2010, 12:35

I am not the least bit interested in s3x whatsoever.

I only have one baby, and I'm not breastfeeding. It does absolutely nothing for me whatsoever.

It's been like this for me as long as I can remember. When not in a relationship, and just 'dating' or having a bit of fun with a guy, I LOVED s3x. Was mad about it! But as soon as I'm in a long term relationship, it just does nothing for me.

It used to really get me down, but I'm over it now. I just starfish.

Pregnor

17-12-2010, 12:38

Cazgotham- i am exactly the same!

KatiesMum

17-12-2010, 12:38

:hugs: it is hard.

What contraception are you taking? some contraceptions (pill, mirena and others) significantly affect your hormonal balance, which can certainly affect your libido.

If thats not it, seriously hun - think about going to the doctor if it is affecting you .... it is fairly normal that your sex drive decreases a bit after birth, but there are things you can do to get your mojo back :p

krystallxx

17-12-2010, 13:20

mum2bubba

17-12-2010, 13:58

I don't know, but I was the same after my third.

Boobycino

17-12-2010, 14:02

I miss kissing when not in a long term relationship. Or kissing someone when you've not dtd before. So it's still that exciting, will we, won't we, I wonder, and all there is is smooching so you spend hours smooching till you can't kiss any more.

Now kissing for more than 10 minutes is like okay come on, let's get this show on the road!

krystallxx

17-12-2010, 15:28

Hhaaha yeh its a bit like that.. DP likes to snuggle on the couch which is impossible nowadays.. I hug him for a second and I'm thinking about the washing/dishers/poo hanging out a nappy etc .. Ruins the mood everytime lol.

PKKXP

17-12-2010, 15:44

I think we're lucky to be DTD once a month and I'm generally not ever in the mood (mind you I'm preggers). I think having children kills a lot of the intimacy that once was shared and therefore it's just about the sex and not about the connection. And really, I'm not that fussed about the sex part of it. I think it's really important to talk to your partner and let them know what you are feeling and work through it. I would also talk to your dr if it goes on for ages and see if there's anything they can do to help.

In all seriosuness, I am totally impressed that with 3 kids you have the energy or time to be DTD that often!!

PurpleStars

17-12-2010, 16:42

My hubby would be jealous. Once a week would be great to him. ;)

I'm only really interested about once a month or so. I've made it clear to him that i'm just not in the mood like I used to be before kids. I tried DTD when i wasn't interested just to keep him happy and it was awful. I felt my skin crawling away from my own husband, not a good feeling. So now its only when I am in the mood. He's really understanding, but he does still try! I think I'd be more upset if he stopped trying TBH. So now we just enjoy it when we're both in the mood.

2made3

08-01-2011, 13:43

Oh hun, I am EXACTLY the same!!!

I have 3 kids, my youngest is nearly 11 months. We used to have a great sex life, but I seem to never be in the mood. I too was thinking maybe I need some help???

One thing that does help a little, is DTD before bed time. So when the kids have gone to bed (& are definately asleep!). When we do this, I have to start "working myself up" to it about an hour or so before, so I'm partially in the mood. But I'd rather do it then than at bedtime when I seriously need to sleep!

Good luck xx