MIL Mixed Feelings

[youngones]

I was reading back over the MIL threads and it got me thinking. My MIL had two boys of which DH is the elder. She separated when the boys were young and he died over 15yrs ago. She's been happily on her own for about 25 years.

I like her a lot, but still have mixed feelings. My own mum died a few mths ago. We were close and I miss her like crazy, esp now that we have our first little one on the way. MIL isn't intrusive or pushy at all, but sometimes her lack of assertiveness can be just as bad, but that is probably just a personality and generational thing.

A few hospitals I've heard about run 'Grandparent to be' classes, which I think is great, but it seems only younger GPs get into it. MIL has a habit of buying things for us that we neither want nor need and she isn't well off, so it makes it all the worse. We've both asked her not to but it doesn't stop her.

I mainly worry about things like her babysitting and using a dummy even though we have told her firmly that we don't want to, or that she didn't BF the boys, so she doesn't really see why I want to. Times have changed a lot, it has been 35 years since she looked after a baby and has no nieces or nephews. It must be hard for her too.

I'm glad she's around and that we get on well, but if there was one thing I could change, it would be to get her to ask questions more - ask for help with something, instead of hoping we'll just work out what she needs, ask before she buys something etc. Not much is it ?:)

[Mum&bubs]

Hmm...Im not too sure as I have a horrible MIL but maybe if you two get on how about try talking to her about what you would like? Maybe she just doesnt know? Sorry cant be of much help!

[MumOfTwoBoys]

Well, I really don't know how to address the problem with her not understanding breastfeeding and dummy without hurting her feelings but for things to buy may be you can do the following: explicitely mention in her presence that "it would be nice to buy XYZ". Make sure whatever you mention is not expensive. Don't even count on her giving up buying stuff for you, in her age she will continue doing it anyway. But you can try to "plant" the ideas into her head. This way at least you'll get something you need and she will feel useful and needed.

Keep up the good relationship! :hugs:

[LilShenanigans]

Maybe even make the buying thing much vaguer... like "I'm thinking about getting one of ****, but ... "never seem to be able to find one"... "Can never find the time to go to the shops" ... "not sure about ... whatever?"

I'd be very interested to see a baby who has never been given a dummy, take to one... it happens, will admit that, but maybe bubs will find it a novelty rather then comfort.

And she sounds like the type of person who just needs someone to talk to them, which would be the all round best bet, and honesty doesn't hurt anyone... especially if she'll save money in the end.

Best of luck with it all ...

[bec79]

Young one, my MIL is very much the same, in that she doesn't understand how times have changed regarding b'feeding, etc.
I found thh easiest way to deal with the issue was to just let her rant on about it...politely nod in the appropriate places....and then just go and do what I thought was best....which was breastfeeding.
Although her comments do get on my nerves at times...well most of the time...I found that this was the best way to keep the peace. I know that others may not have the strength to 'hold their tounge'. It depends how strongly you feel about the issue.

*On another note....my dd was never given a dummy....it can be done!

[youngones]

Thanks for your replies/suggestions.

I know that the main reason it is hard for me is that my mum isn't here. I can't do any of the things I really want to be able to do, like shop with her and talk to her about her experiences, and MIL's experiences were so totally different. Mum was also able to be supportive of me, regardless of whether or not she agreed with my choices. I'm sure that MIL wouldn't try to change my mind about BF or dummies, but she doesn't understand why it matters so much to me. I know it will just take time and trial and error.

I also know that MIL wants me to know that even if my mum isn't, she is there for me, but it just isn't the same. A single girlfriend of mine put it beautifully recently when she said that her mum told her she couldn't wait until she met someone and settled down. She has two married brothers with kids and while her mum gets on well with them, she always feels on the outer, as the boys wives always turn to their own mums for support. That's what I meant when I said it must be hard for my MIL too, as she only had boys. I know another older lady with four grown sons and she feels this way all the time. In fact, things are so bad between her eldest boy's wife and her that she hardly ever sees the kids, which is a terrible shame.

I guess I was just being reflective and reminding myself that as much as they frustrate us, it must also be very frustrating for them.