Am I being selfish

[pinknbuemummy]

Ok so my husband has another child (aged 10) who lives with her mother and we have 3 children of our own together.
I have put my foot down and said spending $80 plus postage on his other child was enough considering her mother wont let us see her and we know a number of the gifts we have give his daugther have gone in the rubbish.

Am i being selfish setting a Xmas spending limit? I also have a spending limit on our 3 children.

What do you do in regards to buying for your step chilcren at Xmas?

[FearlessLeader]

depends, do you have the same spending limit for your kids, and does your DH agree with that? I can imagine he'd want the same limit for all his kids, they are all equally his children therefore same limit seems fair. It's not really the point what happens to them once they're received

[Fuchsia!]

I would make the same spending limit as your child you have together.

It shouldn't make any difference whatsoever if the mother lets you see the child or not. Don't punish the child just because the mother is being a bish.

Can he perhaps get him something that won't cost as much to send? Or maybe a gift card for Toys r us or something?

[Cheerilee]

I think it should be up to him. That said I think it is only fair to have the same amount of each child no matter who the parents are in a blended family.

I think if you want him to have an $80 limit for his daughter then it should be the same for all the children in the family. Whether or not you see the child is sort of irrelevant.

My DPs children are a lot older than mine but we all buy about the same for each child.

[smileygirl]

depends, do you have the same spending limit for your kids, and does your DH agree with that? I can imagine he'd want the same limit for all his kids, they are all equally his children therefore same limit seems fair. It's not really the point what happens to them once they're received

:iagree:

[threechooks]

we knew the majority of step daughters presents were sold at the markets or given away in the new year. It used to frustrate the hell out of me, i just write it off as a yearly expense that I cant do anything about... but then again money isnt stretched for us but when it was i would worry myself sick. She is still his daughter, if it cuts him up to spend less then you might have to suck it up..

[mummaof4]

why cant you see her?
has he done a mediation or anything?? has he ever seen her?
thats sad

[lala77]

Sorry to say, but yes i think its a bit selfish.. My Dad & step mum used to do that to me & my sister.. That was 20 years ago & it still hurts.. If you spend less on your DSD then it's only her you're hurting & b!tch mother wins.. You're the adults you need to make the effort to rise above b!tch mother for the his DD's sake IYKWIM..

I think ultimately let your DH make the decision..

[Myztiks#1Fan]

its the same for all children or nothing at all for all. just because you dont see her doesnt mean she is worth any less than your children you have together.

[HELPihavea2yrold!]

its the same for all children or nothing at all for all. just because you dont see her doesnt mean she is worth any less than your children you have together.

I agree! My stepmum had 3 of her own children before she married my dad and they have since been favored by my dad and his parents. Hurts like hell. All of your DHs children should be treated equally.

[zombiekitty]

is she even going to know if less is spent on her if you don't see her? Will she even get the gift? I don't think you are being selfish imo. Sure, send her something but nothing too pricey or even better, open a bank account for her and put into it each year.

[Bountiful]

I agree with the other posters .. if you want to impose a spending limit for the children, step-child included, it would IMO need to be an equal amount among all the children.

Gift cards and vouchers etc. would certainly cost less than buying an actual present, and perhaps odds are that the items bought with a gift card wouldn't be thrown away??

[TurnedBatty]

Going against the grain and saying, yup, put a spending limit on. No way would I spend 200 odd dollars on stuff for SS's mums house, especially when I know they will be either a)broken or b) given to his other brothers. On the other hand, we have the same amount of money to spend on each kid for here, simply, because they are here. We would still spend SS a gift no worries, but nothing compared to what the other kids get. And not because we "love him less" as seems to be the general thought in this thread, but because what a waste! I would rather put the money to good use for when he is with us. Same goes for BS. If I didnt see him, I would buy him something for his dads place, but no where near as much as for the kids that live here.

I agree though, buy a gift voucher or something, especially for a store her mum wont really want to shop at, so chances are it will be given to your step daughter. Also maybe suggest to DH spending less on her christmas presnrts (especially if she is never going to get them) and perhaps buying things for your house, or even opening a bank account. You could even then send a card saying "For christmas I (her dad) would love to take you out for a movie day/ shopping for something you really want/ dinner when you come for a visit.," that way there is no mistaking who the gift is for, and you are not wasting money.

Dont let yourself be made to feel guilty or selfish, every situation is different, and I would be feeling the same as you. Please do try to remember though how the way you word things might upset your DH. Imagine yourself in his shoes, and if he said he didnt want to send a gift to your other child from a previous relationship. It would hurt, so be gentle. :hugs: hope that helps

[trishalishous]

I like the idea of a card and special dad/daughter day, then put the money you would have spent into a bank account for her.
it won't end up in the bin, and she might end up with a decent amount once she's old enough to choose to see her day.

[JaGgEd]

Okay I understand how you feel. Before my ex and I divorced we found out he had another child. I had no resentment for this child but when christmas came around so did this question by my family what do we do. Well I left it up to him or I would just get stuff all year on sale so that way if money was tight he would get the same amount in order to be fair. It might be that there is resentment inbetween his ex and him but that does not mean punish the child. You may share children together, but be careful you can cause unneeded tension by trying to control what he can and cannot get for his first child. Whatever you do handle it delicately. And good luck

[Boobycino]

I think it's fair to have a limit, but not set by you saying 'you can only spend x amount' but a discussion as to how much will be spent on all your children (your as in his as well :yes: )

Why can't he see her? :(

Otherwise, maybe say the limit you would spend on your own children was $150 buy an $80 gift and put $70 into a bank account that she can access when She's 16-18 so she knows her dad always valued her as much as your children.

How old is the daughter?

It does sound tricky! Id be upset knowing gifts were thrown out, but that's not the daughters fault.

It's such a shame he can't have access. Has he gone down that path? :( I think it's very sad if he's not allowed to see his daughter :(

[sweetseven]

I think it should be up to him. That said I think it is only fair to have the same amount of each child no matter who the parents are in a blended family.

I think if you want him to have an $80 limit for his daughter then it should be the same for all the children in the family. Whether or not you see the child is sort of irrelevant.

My DPs children are a lot older than mine but we all buy about the same for each child.The problem with that is it creates an imbalance.

If the stepchild recieves a present worth $X from Dad and presumably a presant worth $Y from Mum, but your children together only receive a present worth $X from Mum&Dad, then it is unfair for your children.

Setting a limit no more than half the limit you have for your children would be reasonable - ie that's the "Dad" half of the limit and the other half your children get in addition is effectivley the "Mum" half.

[Skibunny]

It should be the same about for both your step-child and your children.

I have had this done to me on so many occasions, because I'm an adult, I deal with it and brush it off, but it still hurts!

It's not the child's fault who her mother is afterall.

[Skibunny]

The problem with that is it creates an imbalance.

If the stepchild recieves a present worth $X from Dad and presumably a presant worth $Y from Mum, but your children together only receive a present worth $X from Mum&Dad, then it is unfair for your children.

Setting a limit no more than half the limit you have for your children would be reasonable - ie that's the "Dad" half of the limit and the other half your children get in addition is effectivley the "Mum" half.


But the other children have the beautiful dynamic of having their parents together. You can't put a price on that.

[SassyMummy]

The spending limit, IMO, should equal the same amount as your other kids and not include postage (postage should be extra and not "cut into" the gift budget).

As for kids who don't live with both parents getting "more" because they get something from Mum and something from Dad... so what? Kids who live with only one parent, particularly when they rarely/never see one of those parents, don't get it fair anywhere else in their lives, so why try ot make it "fair" on presents?

It should be fair for all his children - every child of his should have the same amount spent on them (roughly).

That is my opinion.

[*Cj*]

is she even going to know if less is spent on her if you don't see her? Will she even get the gift? I don't think you are being selfish imo. Sure, send her something but nothing too pricey or even better, open a bank account for her and put into it each year.


:iagree: I would be sending some thing little. Then put the extra money in the bank. Then she can have the money in the bank later on when she is older or when you see her. We are doing a bank account for SD we don't know where she is, when we did see her, any thing we give went in the bin.