View Full Version : Step Nightmare
melindajane
04-09-2006, 09:51
I am a Mum to a beautiful baby boy, and a step mum to a horrible little girl. Where in the rule book does it say that just because my DH has some pseudo relationship with a freak of a women all those years ago i have to love there daughter? Well i don't, i could even say i hate her most of the time. She is deceitful, vulgar and selfish to the point where life cannot go on as normal if there is something she wants and cant have. We have her 2 nights a fortnight and every fortnight she is over i hate it so much i'm getting closer to leaving my DH. Don't think i havn't tried to get along with her, i've spent years trying, she is irrational. To make matters worse i can't tell my DH i hate his daughter, he thinks the sun shines out of her ****, he thinks being told to leave a shop because of her rage is cute, and on top of this lawyers bills for custody have just hit the $30,000 mark and counting. Has anybody else fronted such a nightmare and if so how did you keep from leaving and keep your cool??? :banghead: :mad:
I'm losing it
MumofMadd
04-09-2006, 09:58
:hugs: I cant begin to understand what it must be like DP has a daughter to his ex but unlike your DH we never see her (too much to explain) last time he saw her she was 4-6months old now 4yrs :eek: don't know what it will be like if things changed. Try telling your DH that you dislike her behaviour and that he should talk to her about your family/house rules.
:fingerscrossed: it gets better for you
Hi Melindajane
I'm a mum of 2 and a stepmum of 2. I've been in my relationship for 9years and the step kids are 11 and 13. We've been through some really difficult times and I can be sure that the difficult times are still coming.
I won't go into too much detail here (there is a lot in 9years) but will be happy to share with you some more some of our situations and how I've dealt with them. It's really hard when you know a lot of the behaviours the children can exhibit can be learned from an early age. For example, when my stepdaughter was 4she was talking on the phone to her mum and her mum was overheard to say to her - tell V(me) she's a *****. My step daughter was really confused as to how she was supposed to act. It sure explains some of her behaviour now, and astounds me how the mother can't figure where the behaviour comes from.
I do feel one of the biggest issues will come in years to come when all of the children become aware of the differences between them. Comes from the other two being planned only by their mother when she had only known my hubby for about 5weeks and my two being planned by the both of us and being brought into a very committed and stable relationship. Goodness knows how the two stepchildren will react when they realise their parents never loved each other - cause for them to repeat the cycle.
:hugs: to you - it's a very difficult situation.
Talk soon if you need. xx
kiwidoris30
04-09-2006, 12:39
Hi Melinda
I can totally sympathise. I have two step daughters (12 and 8) and both have different mothers (who are loopy and have both caused me no end of problems at various times). The 12 yo is pretty much a good kid and is pretty well behaved and we do get on (although again we have had our ups and downs) and we only see her a couple of times a year because her mother moved away and now refuses to let DH see her unless we pay to bring her down from up north. 8 yo is a brat, drives me crazy and I find the few days before we have her I dread it and then I count thehours until she leaves again. DH and I have two DD together (ages 2 and a half and 17 months).
My only advice would be to stick it out, I live in hope that it will get better and in a few more years she will be a teenager and wont want to come and stay. I love my DH very much but like you there are times that I could just leave because it gets too much. I stay because I love my DH and because I dont want our children to have a broken family. There are times I feel like a complete cow because all my friends (who dont have step children) give me the "she is only a child speech" but I figure until they have walked a mile in my shoes they have no idea what its like. I find that the weekend she comes to stay I always try and get out of thehouse for a few hours and spend time away from her. I dont believe there are any easy answers and I pray that it wont be like this forever.
Good luck
My only advice would be to stick it out, I live in hope that it will get better and in a few more years she will be a teenager and wont want to come and stay. I love my DH very much but like you there are times that I could just leave because it gets too much. I stay because I love my DH and because I dont want our children to have a broken family. There are times I feel like a complete cow because all my friends (who dont have step children) give me the "she is only a child speech" but I figure until they have walked a mile in my shoes they have no idea what its like. I find that the weekend she comes to stay I always try and get out of thehouse for a few hours and spend time away from her. I dont believe there are any easy answers and I pray that it wont be like this forever.
Good luck
I hear you kiwi - so many people do say they are only children and so can't be blamed for their actions, but at some point, they become responsible for their actions. I remember how naive I was when I met my hubby and I thought - 2 children, every second weekend and during school holidays - that won't affect us at all!!!
By the way Melinda, how old is your stepdaughter?
mythreelittlemonkeys
04-09-2006, 12:59
"I do feel one of the biggest issues will come in years to come when all of the children become aware of the differences between them. Comes from the other two being planned only by their mother when she had only known my hubby for about 5weeks and my two being planned by the both of us and being brought into a very committed and stable relationship. Goodness knows how the two stepchildren will react when they realise their parents never loved each other - cause for them to repeat the cycle."
Agree with this Pegasus...same as our situation...
Melinda - really feel for you - I am lucky that my DSD is actually sweet as (for the time being) she is nearly 9 and actually has begged her mother to live with us...but last few times she been acting up a bit and I think alot of it due to the fact her mother filling head with awful things about us...so sad...I just try to rise above some of the behaviour and comments that are made which obviously come from an adults perspective...for me the hard yard has been with DSS he is only 4 and not really ever known his dad to live with his mum, adores his mother (as he should) and spends whole time saying my mum lets me , my mum says, and for months has been a real handful and doesnt do anything I ask him etc etc...I sometimes find it really hard not to snap...and often cos my DH away a lot and feels bad cos he sees the kids only once a month...lets the behaviour happen and doesnt support me...tho he getting better...
I dont think it easy feeling attached to stepkids immedaitely especially if behavioural problems...they are often confused & angry about the whole situation too and horrid to us step moms cos of this...but for the while I trying to ride it...it was really hard when I pregnant and just after DD born and I had a few mighty upsets with DH about it... I just take each stay as it comes and go from there...big hugs to you :hugs:
melindajane
05-09-2006, 11:04
She is only 4 but more manipulitive than anyone i have met. She is a compulsive liar. Come dinner time i have to make 4 or 5 different meals before she'll eat one and if i don't she'll go home to her mother and tell her i don't feed her. Last visit she was over she bumpped her elbow and ran to her Dad and said i pushed her over. (i wasn't even in the house at the time) I've spoken to my DH about it - every fortnight, he just says to treat her like she was my own. But i can't, if she was my own i'd send her to room if she didn't eat her first dinner and everytime she lied, and definatley wouldn't reward her with lollies and presents every time we went out. I'm worried that when my DS grown up he is going to expect to be treated the same! How am i supposed to raise two children differently!. My DH doesn't want to do that thought because he wants her to enjoy being at our house.
I'm sure one of these days i'm going to snap at her. every time she comes over i want to leave. At least after this weekend i know i have 11 full days before i have to deal with her again and hate my DH
InSaneOne
05-09-2006, 13:10
melinda - you do need to follow through. something my mum told me and that sticks with me is that "you are the adult and they are the child" you need to start acting like the parent. do make more than one meal. if she doesn't want to eat too bad. forget all about the fact that she will run and tell mummy. if her mum decides to believe her and she decides not to let her come to visit anymore thats ok. you need to put your foot down. be the adult. don't let them push you around because they will. then they become spoilt and uncontrollable and get into bigger trouble later on in life, and they will expect you to get them out of it.
so you be the adult and treat her like the child. if she doesn't like that and doesn't respect you then you need to stand up and tell your other half that on the weekends that he has care of her then he will have to go somewhere else with her. don't let her disrespect you.
Hey there :)
I know how hard it can be, I have a 9 yr old dsd, your post is a little worrying to me for a few different reasons.
Whether we want to admit this dark side of ourselves or not, alot of our dislike towards our step children is because of issues we have with their mother and the fact that our partners had a child with someone else, and we direct our feelings onto them. This can result in us seeing our step childrens actions as worse than they really are, and giving them more credit for their actions than we should.
You mention that your dsd is only 4, how is it then that you have spent yrs trying to get along with her ? she was only a baby a few yrs ago. You say she is irrational, of course she is irrational, she is a 4 yr old girl! Ask any experienced mum or child carer and they will tell you that 4 yr old girls are one of the most difficult, no all, irrational, often manipulitive ages that you can deal with.
There is no rule that you have to love her, or even like her, that would be unrealistic, but you do have to be the adult and realise that what YOU do and your attitiude affects everyone in your house.
Your DH and yourself need to start being more open and honest with each other, you need to start telling him how you are feeling and that you are struggling to deal with it, you also both need to start maintaining a united front when dealing with her behaviour, kids love to play parents off on each other, and if you continue to give her a good reaction, she will only get worse.
As I was saying to another mum the other day, these are the 2 things that work for me when dealing with my dsd:
1/ How would I want one of MY children to be treated whilst in the care of another woman, even if i dont always feel like it, i make the effort to treat her how i would want my own kids to be treated when i am not around.
2/ How would i react if it was one of my own kids? When she does something, stopping for a minute and thinking how i would honestly react if it were one of my own who did it usually puts a different perspective on things, and even if i feel like doing something else, I make the effort to treat the situation in the same way.
It sounds like you could all do with family cousnelling to be honest, your bitterness towards your dsd is only going to grow if you dont do something about it and its not your right to screw up this kid because of your issues (not that im saying you will, but the venom you feel for her is pretty evident in your post, and will only result in damaging her emotionally if you dont do something about it) She will only get worse as well, doing more to get attention and get you and her mum and dad offside with each other.
Even if we dont like to talk about it, alot of what you are feeling is normal, but remember even though you dont like her, it is your duty to show gentleness and love to her (even if you dont feel it) whether you like it or not, your DH is going to love her just as much as you and your son, so its best to get help now before its to late, if you make him chose between you and her, you will lose.
Blessed Mum
05-09-2006, 19:00
Coops - just wanted to say you have summed it up beautifully :yes: . I wish someone could of given me all of that advice many many years ago about my DSS. Luckily we all did seek counselling whilst he was still young & things have turned out beautifully now (he is 17).
melinda it is a long hard road & it is one you have to be prepared to travel down for it too work out. Good luck & there are always a few of us around for you to vent too or seek advice from.
melindajane
06-09-2006, 09:20
I'm not denying i have issues with her mother. She has taughter my SD to say hello by saying "yo ******" and that it's ok to swear aslong as your singing. She smokes in front of her and lets her ride in the car without a seat belt, she is in day care 5 days a week and when she isn't here she is at her mothers parents. I do not like the woman. As for the fact that my DH slept with her all those years ago they have a child together is irrelevent. we all made mistakes, God knows i've made my fair share through time. In know way am i projecting any sort of anger about there short lived love affair onto my SD, i'm neither stupid or insecure.
As for over reacting to her behaviour, she asked me to read her a bedtime story, so i did - Cinderella, then she said she still wasn't tired so i read her another one - Alice in Wonderland. DH came in to give her a good night kiss and she started balling her eyes out saying i was reading her a story called "boob sex" and that she was scared. (Just to clarify my DH could hear me read to her so knew she was lying) She made such a big deal about she creamed for hours when DH got dissapointed in her for lying, but it didn't stop there. She ran with the story for about a week telling it to everyone she spoke to.
About her being "only 4" you have no idea, when she was two she starting smearing and hiding her poo everywhere - midly exceptable for a 2 year old. She is 2 months off being 5 and still doing it. She knows it wrong, she laughs about it, says it's so funny cause it's wrong. She might be only 4 but she is switched on for a four years old.
You say my attiutude effects everyone in house and your right, but i never yell at her, talk down to her and always explain to her like an adult how she behaves and when i feel the need to get mad, i do, but only at my DH and only away for the children.
As for your advice about calmly thinking about how i would like someone to treat my children - it's rubbish. If it was one of my kids i'd punish them. You punish my SD and it turns into months going through court about custody all over again. You put her in her room the story turns into she was locked outside for the weekend but "made a bed in the bush so it wasn't too cold".
Her mother is currently remarried and trying for another baby, knowing she was pregnant with twins i asked my SD if she was looking forward to another brother or sister she replied "lots of blood came out my mum's tottie, there dead cause they were probably deformed" i think she is damaged enough and doesn't need my help.
"Even if we dont like to talk about it, alot of what you are feeling is normal, but remember even though you dont like her, it is your duty to show gentleness and love to her (even if you dont feel it) whether you like it or not, your DH is going to love her just as much as you and your son, so its best to get help now before its to late, if you make him chose between you and her, you will lose."
I do, trust me i do, just cause i say i'm going to lose it, i can control my temper, i would never hurt her and although sometimes i am stern, i am never mean to her, i wouldn't dare.
As for my DH choosing, he does consider losing her to save our family, but it's just not possible.
Thanks for the small amount of advice - as for the psychoanalyzing, keep it too yourself.
shorty_851
06-09-2006, 09:38
Hello
I have s SS2 he is a sweet charming little boy when he wants to be other then that his mother has fed him so much rubbish its not funny.
I dont hate the child i hate the mother but the resentment comes out on the child. My DP's ex emails me abusing me etc and i point out the fact that its not my child and she shouldspeak to his father.
I just want to point out something many of you might not agree to it but this is my opion and its how i am dealing with the situtaion im in.
"I'm not the child's mother" therefore when he comes and stays (it has been 2 months since we have seen him and im getting the blame) i dont treat him like he is my own child i treat him how i would treat a nephew. If he needsd a nappy changed his father has to do it.
Im not respondsilbe to this child coming on this planet so there for im not respondsible for the general up bringing.
I make DP do everything for that child that has to be done, i may poin out to him such things as give him a bath etc but i do none of that.
Sorry if this is confusing because i couldn put into words what i wanted to say exactly but the point of my post is treat them like you would a cousin or neice or nephew and make the DP look after them as i have said before you aren respondsible for that child you weren the one that made the desicion to bring that child into the world
:hugs: to you melindajane.
I can completley sympathise with you..I have a 12 year old DSD, and i have been with her dad since she was 2, not only do i have to put up with her mother saying that if her dad hadn't met me they would be married ( he broke up with her when DSD was 8 months old cause she cheated - but thats a different story) But also DH mum still rings to tell him that his ex has called and its her birthday etc....
DSD went through a terrible stage from 4-9yrs and i now know it was ALL due to her mother lying to her not only about me but abouty her father also, now we never ever put her mother down in front of her, but you do have to feel for them because of the lack of honest love that they get from their own mothers because of their insecurities, she too was dumped on anyone that would have her when she was supposed to be with her mother, and in day care 5 days a week.
All I can say is hang in there, they do grow out of it, and since i have had my own DD, DSD has been an absolute angel when she is here, and loves DD.
misskittyfantastico
06-09-2006, 10:40
Has your huband considered taking his daughter to a child psychiatrist? She is obviously a frightened, sad, damaged child - and is showing that through anger.
Also coops, well said:yelclap: :smiliedance:
I'm not denying i have issues with her mother. She has taughter my SD to say hello by saying "yo ******" and that it's ok to swear aslong as your singing. She smokes in front of her and lets her ride in the car without a seat belt, she is in day care 5 days a week and when she isn't here she is at her mothers parents. I do not like the woman. As for the fact that my DH slept with her all those years ago they have a child together is irrelevent. we all made mistakes, God knows i've made my fair share through time. In know way am i projecting any sort of anger about there short lived love affair onto my SD, i'm neither stupid or insecure.
As for over reacting to her behaviour, she asked me to read her a bedtime story, so i did - Cinderella, then she said she still wasn't tired so i read her another one - Alice in Wonderland. DH came in to give her a good night kiss and she started balling her eyes out saying i was reading her a story called "boob sex" and that she was scared. (Just to clarify my DH could hear me read to her so knew she was lying) She made such a big deal about she creamed for hours when DH got dissapointed in her for lying, but it didn't stop there. She ran with the story for about a week telling it to everyone she spoke to.
About her being "only 4" you have no idea, when she was two she starting smearing and hiding her poo everywhere - midly exceptable for a 2 year old. She is 2 months off being 5 and still doing it. She knows it wrong, she laughs about it, says it's so funny cause it's wrong. She might be only 4 but she is switched on for a four years old.
You say my attiutude effects everyone in house and your right, but i never yell at her, talk down to her and always explain to her like an adult how she behaves and when i feel the need to get mad, i do, but only at my DH and only away for the children.
As for your advice about calmly thinking about how i would like someone to treat my children - it's rubbish. If it was one of my kids i'd punish them. You punish my SD and it turns into months going through court about custody all over again. You put her in her room the story turns into she was locked outside for the weekend but "made a bed in the bush so it wasn't too cold".
Her mother is currently remarried and trying for another baby, knowing she was pregnant with twins i asked my SD if she was looking forward to another brother or sister she replied "lots of blood came out my mum's tottie, there dead cause they were probably deformed" i think she is damaged enough and doesn't need my help.
"Even if we dont like to talk about it, alot of what you are feeling is normal, but remember even though you dont like her, it is your duty to show gentleness and love to her (even if you dont feel it) whether you like it or not, your DH is going to love her just as much as you and your son, so its best to get help now before its to late, if you make him chose between you and her, you will lose."
I do, trust me i do, just cause i say i'm going to lose it, i can control my temper, i would never hurt her and although sometimes i am stern, i am never mean to her, i wouldn't dare.
As for my DH choosing, he does consider losing her to save our family, but it's just not possible.
Thanks for the small amount of advice - as for the psychoanalyzing, keep it too yourself.
If what you are saying is true, and I have no reason to think otherwise, then your DSD is a disturbed child who needs immediate help, love and sympathy, I knew my post would probably get you angry, I know I do not like admitting certain things to myself. You are describing a situation that is almost identical to my own with my DSD a few years ago, so I do know what I am talking about.
I did not meant to imply that you are insecure because of the relationship your DH had with her mother, more that the dislike you feel for her mother is getting taken out, in part, on your dsd, because you cannot take it out on her. I have caught myself doing this in the past, and Im not even saying this is what you are doing, I am simply offering some potential ideas for you to work with, if you simply wanted 'awwwww hugs, u r the best huni, ur step kid sounds like a biatch' instead of realistic, solid advice from someone who has been there, you really should of said so in your post.
Sometimes advice is not what we always want to hear, you dont have to use it and there is no need to take it personally, I am only offering advice from MY perspective, you of course could be completely different, but if you do want to get some things off your chest and talk to someone who really has been there and knows where you are coming from, then pm me.
I also wanted to clarify something about you treating her the way you would treat your own, you said that you would discipline them, and yes, treating them the same can sometimes mean disciplining them as well, but take the circumstances you have described as an example, if it were your child that was smearing poo everywhere and talking about 'booby sex' wouldnt you be terribly distraught and concerned and think there must be something wrong? Wouldnt you seek out help for your child immediately rather than blaming them for their actions?
Other peoples children are always more unlikeable than our own, things our own kids do arent ever as annoying as when another persons child does them, we usually only have to see other kids in small doses, so it does not get to us so much, but when you have to suddenly live with another persons child part of the time, it can be very difficult.
I dont think you are a bad person, I think alot of your feelings are normal, and have been felt by most woman, including myself, at one point or another when it comes to their step kids, the thing is is that its YOUR issue, not hers, we are talking about a 4 yr old child, not an older child, and when you take on someone with a child whether we like it or not we become partly responsible for the long term welfare of this child.
Of course she is doing some things to stir you guys up, atm she is getting a fabulous reaction from all involved, including her mum no doubt, which 4 year old girls love, and it is not all your fault that you, your DH and her mum cannot see eye to eye to make sure you all get her to stop, but it does not mean that you should give up on her, and you need to let your DH know that if she is going to continue to come over then you need to be able to gently, but effectively give her discipline, otherwise he will have to take full responsibility for her, you cannot have a child running riot throughout your home that you are not allowed to do anything about, that is not fair on you, her or your new child.
Hope things start to look up soon.
FOURtunate
06-09-2006, 19:57
I agree with Coops wholeheartedly.
That little girl needs help. You say her Mother is not the best parent. Why not be the one to be her positive influence. Get her to a Psychologist. They're free at your local Community Health Centre.
I have had three 4 year old girls, and they were the most challenging years of my life. 4 year old little girls need guidance.
melindajane
07-09-2006, 11:34
I would really like to take her to a child councilling, but my DH doesn't think at this stage it would be benificial. She would get 1 hour with a therapist then 2 weeks with her current lifestyle. I'm pretty sure it would take alot of visits to get her to open up because when she is asked about her behaviour she either laughs or just closes up and tries to put the responsiblity elsewhere. saying that, if things don't settle down it will be a definite in a few years.
I will try some of your ideas and see how i go. Thanks guys for all your comments and suggestions.
Just wanted to add my "Hang in there" support
It does sound like this girl is having some issues and I agree with the others that this behaviour needs some help. However, I also agree with your hubby that without the support of his ex, the counselling, it can be difficult to get carryover of any behaviour modification. At the end of the day, we do the best we can with the time we have the children.
We've gone through years of lies, being accused of abusing the children, lawyers letters (for example, I was accused of smacking my stepson by the ex who was told I did by my stepdaughter - when she was 4 - not true, but she knew how to get the attention. We were also accused of leaving the two children unsupervised in our pool - again told to the mother by my stepdaughter - she said she had to save my stepson from drowning - when she was five.) These stories were untrue and they are the tame things we've heard about, the problem is that I work with children and any whiff of me abusing a child can harm my working with them, so I am ultra careful of not touching them. In more recent times my 13year old stepdaughter said she wasn't coming for an access visit as I "treat her like a cow" when she stays with us. She admitted that she lied about that to her father, and mother as she was told she couldn't come again until she apologised to me. I can accept the bad behaviour as I can see it's coming from a child with low self esteem and looking for attention and affection, however, the sad fact is that she treats her friends the same, and we've seen numerous friends come in and out of her life (previous best friends threatening to bash her up etc).
Three weeks ago, I was asked to pick up my stepdaughter as her behaviour had come to a crisis point at home, and school. (Won't go into the details here, but yes, bad behaviour at a young age, can escalate when the child is older, regardless of how much love you can show them when they are in your care). We took her in, and she was a perfect loving angel while she stayed with us. The mother was distraught when she called me and was saying it was all her fault as she hadn't disciplined her properly etc ...but after one day away, was begging us to send her home as she missed her. One of the issues was that a man had been supplying her with MJ and we don't know how she was paying for it - turns out this man was a friend of her mothers, yet the mother was shocked that my stepdaughter was modelling her mother's behaviour (I won't go into some of the other behaviours).
We have done what we can and continue to get very frustrated as we can see behaviours continuing and (in some cases) getting more destructive, but can only continue to be there when we're asked and for if/when the kids decide that they need/want us. Until then there's not much we can do. DCD were involved when the kids were younger and they've apparently had counselling, but if strategies aren't followed through, then it's hard to change behaviour.
PS I went through the same issues with the meals when the kids were younger, (I was told at one stage by the mother that my step son could only eat pasta or Maccas) - as far as I know they eat no fresh food at home and then one wonders why they get sick really easily when they eat no breakfast or anything that contains vitamins. I perservered and wore any abuse I got for it. What abuse could I really take to heart for trying to get the children to eat vegetables and fresh food? Eventually they started eating what we were eating (took a few years though).
It's a very thankless job and has caused my hubby and I countless problems, but we are a stronger couple for the cr@p we've worn - Oh how much easier it would have been for me to walk away years ago.
We still have bad days but I have distanced myself somewhat in more recent times. That doesn't mean I don't still care for the kids with all the affection I can when they stay with us, I just feel that it's more conducive to our relationship (mine, my kids, my husband and my step kids), if I care for them in a slightly different way to the way I care for my kids. I am not their mother and never will be, I only intend on my children having one mother in their lifetime and that means I have to care for my relationship with their father.
I know I've gone on a bit, but these relationships are never straightforward in my experience and everyone has their own experience. We can only try the best we can, to do what we think is best for the children.
I totally agree with Coops that a lot of issues come out due to the issues that can be had with the biological parents (both mine, and my hubby's issues with their mother and her issues with us), but we just accept now (after 9years) that we're not going to change the mother's behaviour, we just have to be the bigger people and model to the children what we hope they see as behaviour they would want to follow themselves.
Blessed Mum
07-09-2006, 13:12
Well said Pegasus :yelclap: . Its good you are open to trying things Melindajane. I really hope things improve even just slightly for all of you. Thinking of you & your situation.
Best of luck
However, I also agree with your hubby that without the support of his ex, the counselling, it can be difficult to get carryover of any behaviour modification. At the end of the day, we do the best we can with the time we have the children.
:yes: So true.
Hope your DH agrees to her going to child counsellor MJ :thumbsup: and please keep letting us know how you are all doing
xx
mythreelittlemonkeys
07-09-2006, 15:23
Pegasus - wow you are so wise with experience and I know your words were for Melinda but I have actually printed them out and am going to have them to hand when things are a bit sticky here...the bit that really struck me is the fact you have recognised you wont change your DH's ex's behaviour and I think that is what finally after 3 years of me being exasperated,crying about and generally being gobsmacked by her approach, behaviour and morals I am slowly coming to terms with as is my DH. I too realise that Matilda is my daughter and Andrew and I will never be able to make things 100% right for his children I am afraid and I need not to let Matilda suffer for this...
I agree too the counselling approach only ever works if both sides are equaly involved/motivated ... the same with everything...and sadly like you MJ we will never be able to rely on his ex to provide the support or general welfare our DSD needs to get through some of her schooling developmental problems...breaks our hearts - but there it is...
I know exactly where you are coming from. I have a SD that is now 7yrs when I met her she was 3. We dealt with the child abuse claims court battles etc. But I got smart did my research kept an accurate diary of all events and behaviours displayed by my SD. In the end it cost her mother $5000 in legal bills and she had legal aid, we had no lawyers. I tell you now all i have to do is mention court and she back peddles on all the bull. As for my SD she and I now have an excellent relationship more like sisters or an aunty. I just stuck to my guns everytime, recently she told me she was a vegetarian so I gave her brussell sprouts, lentils and spinach and looked up vegetarians on the internet. Needless to say she is now no longer a vegetarian. She also had a habit of shoplifting when she was 4-5 we took her to visit the police and the behaviour stopped. I also would bring up any strange or abusive behaviour with her mother. I would ask her if she has ever done this at home? Then I would ask how she would deal with the situation so I would know in future cases. Needless to say her mother cottoned on real quick. I mean she didn't want to look like a terrible parent. I hope this helps in some ways. I know it is a long road and sometimes you just want to walk away from it all. Because obviously you didn't make this bed but you need to make the best of it because this child will affect your own children and you don't want them going down the wrong path. Because they will see their half sister differently to you.
Hey guys,
Great thread! I have been sitting here balling my eyes out because i have had to keep so much of this inside.
I dont want people to know how i feel about my sd because i am trying to love her, but i need some help and from time to time i fear that i hate her.
I am trying to get a grip but i am not always able to.
Her mother is a very combative type of person, and i also can not understand why my nice guy of a husband would have married someone who is so evil.
The emotions i feel through this situation are the most complicated emotions i have ever felt. No black and white, so much shade of grey.
:hugs: It is difficult to blend families.
Ldhb, I know exactly where you are coming from. Its so hard to talk about because as woman we are just supposed to be instantly maternal or something, even when it is someone elses child, so when we dont have those feelings, we can feel so guilty and alone, also society seems to think that we should just love these children exactly the same as our own, but most of the time its not like that at all.
Big hugs, its a long hard road, but imagine how awesome our families may one day be if we keep working at it, they are worth it :yes:
IT is SO worth it. :hugs: it is just so up and down all the time. one minute things are fine the next it is all over the place.
One day at a time is a very difficult idea to embrace when your trying to raise a family.
Plans and routine and disipline, gee whiz!! When we are old and grey and our family is gathered at our home for christmas i will see my husband and just know hoe far we climbed to get here.
Thanks Coops:hugs:
Ashleigh<3
06-12-2006, 10:51
Wow I only just read this. I can't empathise, I can only 'imagine' how hard it is for Mother's and some fathers having to deal with step children + their own children. All I can think about it imagining the child going home to one family and living one story, then back to the other parent's and expecting what they're used to, when they realise they're not going to get it that easy they start mucking up.
MJ- When you said she hit her arm on a table and then ran into another room and told her daddy that you hit her. I was shocked. Made me think, "I can't believe such a young child can manage to whip up a storm like that, who taught her how to lie so easily"?
Gosh, it really does seem hard to deal with, you're doing better then How I would ever cope.
I'd be going to the extent of buying numerous video cameras setting them up in every room spying on this little critters every move! Then when the lies start to flow on out, the tapes would be forwarded straight to Mumma! Where she'd then get the real Jist of what's goin on.
:laughing: But that's just how I am... lol
Hope things get better for you!
Ldhb, that is what I keep thinking on bad days, when we are old and have a wonderful loving family around us, I will know I did good :thumbsup:
PM me anytime you want to chat about the trials of it all, sometimes the only person who can really understand is someone who is going through it themselves :hugs:
Ldhb, that is what I keep thinking on bad days, when we are old and have a wonderful loving family around us, I will know I did good :thumbsup:
PM me anytime you want to chat about the trials of it all, sometimes the only person who can really understand is someone who is going through it themselves :hugs:
This is exactly where I come from as well. I was talking to my sister today about our situation and feeling so helpless. I don't talk to my family much about it as I worry I only sound negative - I've just got so frustrated over the years where we've been called in to help, started the ball rolling to do some stuff, then in the blink of an eye, the kids are gone again. I know there's some serious stuff going down with my step daughter and my mum's asked me if I've talked to her about it. I've sort of left the door open for her to talk to me, however, I'm a bit worried that if she does tell me about the stuff that is going on I'll try to do something about it although I'll be pretty powerless to do anything, so end up frustrated and in tears.
So sometimes I think it's better not knowing, but how can I be the best step parent and not try to help these kids have a better life?
This is exactly where I come from as well. I was talking to my sister today about our situation and feeling so helpless. I don't talk to my family much about it as I worry I only sound negative - I've just got so frustrated over the years where we've been called in to help, started the ball rolling to do some stuff, then in the blink of an eye, the kids are gone again. I know there's some serious stuff going down with my step daughter and my mum's asked me if I've talked to her about it. I've sort of left the door open for her to talk to me, however, I'm a bit worried that if she does tell me about the stuff that is going on I'll try to do something about it although I'll be pretty powerless to do anything, so end up frustrated and in tears.
So sometimes I think it's better not knowing, but how can I be the best step parent and not try to help these kids have a better life?
Gee whiz, i think that it is so difficult sometimes because with our other children we can help them and know that pretty shortly we will see the results of our help, with our step children it is a different approach completely. She will one day be a woman and understand what you were doing for her.
It is not a nice feeling putting all that love into a child and then being thanked by feeling powerless, but to be honest i dont really think we are. What ever happens, as children grow up they start forming ideas on who they are going to be and they reflect on the people in their lives. I still believe it will all be understood one day.
I hate knowing there is something wrong and not being able to do a thing about it.
:hugs:
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