Number 2... even if I plan on leaving?

[celestialstarco]

So... I don't think DP and I are going to last. We fight a lot, and it's hard to do it in a postive way with him. He's very surly- something like me reminding him to not leave out the ice cube try filled with DD's frozen ice cube snacks can make him sulk all day.
There's no natural joy between us anymore. Most of this is because he came back 3 months ago from being away for nearly a year. I did most of my pregnany alone, birthed alone, raised her alone for six months. He's not adapting to being a dad.

SO.

I really want another baby. Really want. Like a terrible itch. I'm an only child, and I want DD to have the support of a sibling.

Is it wrong/ selfish of me to stick around for another baby then potentially leave?

Maybe things will get better between us, but right now, I'm sick of his attitude, I'm sick of him being rude to my family and friends and not taking an interest in family life, I'm sick of him being so dismissive of me and what I do, and I'm sick of him spending all the money and having nothing left well before pay day. I'm sick of him watching tv all the time while our beautiful, funny, amazing little daughter sits there looking at him, wanting some attention, before giving up and crawling to the other end of the house to find me.

I have amazing friends who are very supportive, and a supportive family.

[elleandsam]

Honestly? I don't think it's a good idea. It sounds like you and your DP could use some counseling and then maybe if you're planning on staying together then TTC.

:hugs:

[heeeeerekittykitty]

Hi there !

hugs to you , Sorry your in this position :-(

I personally would say go for it .... .Alot of people may not agree with me , As long as he is also happy to have another baby and he's fully aware you want another ( and he's not tricked into it if you get what I mean ) then I am pretty sure I would feel exactly as you do . It would be so important to me to give my child a sibling. If I knew they would have the utmost love , support and nurturing from one parent ( yourself) , and knew that I could cope financially , mentally etc ( and it sounds like you can seeing as you sound like you've pretty much been raising your daughter on your own ) then I wouldn't hesitate. It's so unfortunate he is like this toward you and your dd, he really is missing out on the three of you being a beautiful family together :-( my heart breaks at what you said about your daughter wanting he's attention and him not giving it .

Would he perhaps wake up to himself and realise what he's losing if you did break up ?

Regardless of if you decide to have another bub or not I really hope things improve . You sound like a loving mother and I wouldn't let this situation stop me . Of course it's not ideal , but there are children out there not even lucky enough to have two loving parents :-(

if you can give your kids a safe secure loving home regardless whether it's as a single parent then I would definitely want to givey child the gift of a sibling . I'd have enough love in me equivelent to twenty parents to give and shower my children with . As long as they had me, and a supportive extended family network ( grandparents , aunts and uncles , cousins etc) I know we'd be ok .

Good luck , and I wish you all the best . I really feel for you as it's abit of a predictament on what to do . Love kitty xoxo

Ps - my friend was in a similar situation . They lived in quite a loveless relationship and knew that they wanted to end it but were still staying in the same house for the time being . She went on to do the exact same thing ( with he's ok ) and had another baby. It was important for her to have a sibling For her son and have th both to the same father ( her words). She didn't make a rash decision and stupidly jump into it , she thought it all through , knew she could support them etc if need be and things didn't work with her hubby. She never looked back once she had the second . They did break up but eventually sorted things out and got back together .

[smog]

you know i once consdiered doing this. i knew i was in a failing relationship. i had one dd and wanted a sibling. i wanted my family to be complete so i could move on with my life and leave him and be done with having my babies. i wanted the gap to be close. etc well i didnt do it and im now about 12 yrs down the rd from where i was when i considered that option and all i can say gee im glad i didnt do it. i cant know whats right for u and your family but for me it would have been a disaster. i met my awesome awesome now dh, and guess what he wanted kids of his own too. so we had one. the long awaited sibling for dd and he wasnt what we were expecting. he was this unbelievably difficult violent child with special needs whom i absolutely needed my now dh to help with. theres no way i would have managed him alone. no way.
and it turns out the ex is useless:rolleyes: no suprises there really. doesnt pay child support, cant be relied upon etc.

i dunno to me it seems crazy but i guess looking back at my life now so much later on i can see it that way. good luck either way :hugs:

[KateRose2010]

I think you need to sit down and have a very long talk with him before you consider another baby, it may or may not 'fix' things.

[Amara]

This is the wrong time to ttc. If he is not coping with one child two will make it worse. Babies rarely improve a bad relationship. Often they kill it or people stay in bad relationships because of the new baby. There is no hurry to have a baby with him. If things improve do it then, if they don't then you can split and eventually have a bub with a new man. If you do end up with a new man you will very likely want a child with him too.

[MamaBleech]

Hi!

I have had similar thoughts. I love my DP and hope that we stay together forever, but I have doubts. Very serious doubts some days. I also want another baby in the not too distant future and intend for this to happen despite the current issues in our partnership. My personal reasoning...

I come from a blended extended (step and half siblings) family and I want my DD to have a full blood sibling.

Regardless of our relationship, my DP is a WONDERFUL father and I love that he is the father of my child/ren.

We will continue to work on our relationship, I believe we owe it that. If I was at the point where I had given up hope I may feel differently about a 2nd child.

In the end, only you can decide what is right for you and your family. I feel we owe it to our children to exhaust every avenue of reconcilliation before leaving a relationship though.

:hugs:

ETA - I just read your other thread. Having a baby with someone when your relationship is flailing is an entirely separate issue to having a baby with someone who is not into being a Dad. Based on your other post I would have reservations about having a second child with someone who is not stepping up to the plate.

[JATS]

IMHO if your DP is on the same page as you, ie; happy to have another child with you fully knowing and accepting what you expect of him as the father of your children and what he expects of you as the mother of his children if things don't work out between you, go for it. As long as you aren't deceiving him I can't see an issue.

[Lemonhead]

IMHO if your DP is on the same page as you, ie; happy to have another child with you fully knowing and accepting what you expect of him as the father of your children and what he expects of you as the mother of his children if things don't work out between you, go for it. As long as you aren't deceiving him I can't see an issue.

Yes, this.

DP and I separated for a short time last year. We actually spoke about what would happen if we wanted more kids...and we were both happy to concieve another baby while we weren't together! Neither of us wanted children to other partners but we wanted more children. We got back together but still, I think as long as both parties are happy with the situation then thats all that matters.

[Hokey Pokey]

Honestly? I don't think it's a good idea. It sounds like you and your DP could use some counseling and then maybe if you're planning on staying together then TTC.

:hugs:

I agree :hugs:

[lambjam]

IMHO if your DP is on the same page as you, ie; happy to have another child with you fully knowing and accepting what you expect of him as the father of your children and what he expects of you as the mother of his children if things don't work out between you, go for it. As long as you aren't deceiving him I can't see an issue.

I agree with this to an extent. My big reservation is that it sounds like you haven't given up on your relationship, therefore with some help it could be salvaged.

If you run head-on into having another baby without addressing your relationship things first, I suspect the extra strain could really jeopardise the chance you may have had to repair things.

[mummaof4]

i would.

[Annabella]

I got pregnant unexpectedly with my second when things were pretty tense between us and often thought we wouldn't last. At thf time I was devestated but part way through the pregnancy as things in our relationship got worse and I was pretty sure we wouldn't stay together I became so so glad my dd1 would have a sibling. Especially when she was a girl I used to think how lucky it was if we broke up they'd at least have each other.

[tulip79]

I think you should really think about why you're wanting to bring another child into the world. If your answer is because it's for you or your dd, then I'm not sure that it's the right reason. Would you want to be brought into the world because your mum wanted a sibling for an existing child, or because you were very much wanted by both parents who were in a stable, committed and loving environment?

Sorry, don't want to rain on the parade, but I think you may end up with a lot of heartache down the track if you're not careful. I would not do it, if it was me, I would want to be in a very loving and stable situation before bringing another human into the world.

[Cas79]

I think the greatest gift you can give your child is two loving parents and a loving relationship between them. Obviously things dont always work out this way, but i dont think you should purposely bring a child into a relationship that is failing. Just because you dont have another child with this man, doesnt mean your kid will never have siblings. Both DH and I have half-siblings who we love and feel exactly the same way about as our full siblings. I feel weird even writing about them in that way as they are all family to me.

And if you think there is a chance to work things out in your current relationship, I would put your energy into that, rather than another child.

[MissSteph]

I wouldn't do it.. No way no how. There's a HUGE difference going from 1 to 2 babies. DF and I had an ok relationship (not perfect but not terrible) when we confirmed number 2, and ever since he was born things went south real fast! IMO you need to have a strog relationship to have babies, especially multiples close in age. It's time consuming and tiring.

I think it's selfish to bring a child into this world under those circumstances, but that's just my opinion.

Good luck whatever you choose and I wish you all the best

[ConfettiGirl]

I would! In fact have done - although we did work things out eventually I conceived knowing full well that our relationship was rocky. I understand that blended families can work and be amazing but for me, personally I wanted my children to have the same two parents. I didn't want to meet someone else and have another child in a relationship that was great if my other children were stuck with an a$$hole for a father. We all hear stories about step-parents who raise another man's child like they were his own but realistically there is a good chance that won't be the case - especially for my older children when bonding etc can be much more difficult. Chances are no matter how amazing my new partner was he would always have a special spot for his own children and I didn't want my existing children to feel like some sort of "side dish" in the household. I am fine with meeting a man who has his OWN children - and blending our families that way but I don't want children together with a new relationship. So all my kids (all 5 of them) have the same father and I will not ever have a child with another man.

I just think how awful it would be for the child who has the loser father who gets to see their half-sibling enjoying the benefits of a wonderful, hands on father? At least this way if my partner and I separate and he becomes a complete tool towards his children they can take comfort in the fact that his inadequacy is affecting them equally, that it isn't THEM personally but HIM and they don't have to watch with envy as their half-sibling gets showered with gifts and attention and most of all love. I would be worried that a previous child would wonder if the reason their own dad can't be the same as their half-siblings' dad is because they (the child) is somehow less lovable than their half-sibling.

Obviously my view is not going to be shared by all but it is the way I feel and I think my reasons and views are just as valid as anyone elses - especially being as I have had experience as the "side dish" if you will.......my step-dad is great and he has been in my life for so many years and I call him "Dad". But I am always painfully aware that my younger two brothers carry his blood in their veins and me and my other brother do not - we also have an a$$hole of a bio father who couldn't give a rats! So yes I did feel somewhat envious of the blood "ties that bind" between my younger brothers and the man I call dad. I do think it's naive to not consider that possibility when planning more children. Sometimes it half-sibling situations can work great and everyone is happy but other times it doesn't work so well and it's usually the children of the previous relationship that suffer the most when it doesn't work......

ETA: I actually found it really easy to go from 1 to 2 children. If anything I think after the second outgrew the newborn stage I actually found it easier. I found going from 2 to 3 the most difficult out of all the transitions but I had added stresses at the time so that could have contributed a lot. I don't necessarily find parenting to be a cinch (it's bloody hard) but for me it was really hard going from being childless to having 1 child - everything changed! Going from 1 to 2 didn't seem like such a big change because I was already in "mum" mode and had already given up my life as a single person so guess I just didn't feel like it was a difficult transition. I grieved after having my first child....second child just slotted right in.

[Pippy the Hippo]

Hey hun, i think i read one of your posts a while ago in the issues with family section about your DP, and honestly.... He sounded like a loser then, and it appears as though not much has changed.

I guess you just have to ask yourself seriously if he will change if you two had a second blessing....

Honestly, it doesnt sound like he would be any different to now. I mean, if he has DD in front of his eyes and doesnt care to give her the light of day, then what makes you think that a second child would magically change him...

Oh i just re-read that, that sounded really mean... I didnt want it to come out like that, i just think that if he cant see the amazing reality of your current DD, he will never accept the magic of a second, and it will probably make your life much much harder doing it all on your own.

I really hope you can work on getting your relationship on track before you decide on TTC a second..... :hugs: It sounds like you really need his support at times.

[Pippy the Hippo]

Also, i would just like to add, i was also an only child and my mother was a single parent from when i was about 5 years old.

I really wish i had a sibling at times to confide in, but seriously, my mum is the closest person in my life and i dont think i would change that. She has since re-married, and not had any other children....

I dont think being an only child is SO bad! :) Besides, i dont know any different!

:hugs:

[potatocake]

You've gotta ask yourself what the probable outcome will be:

Being a single mother of two? I'm a mother of one and it's hard enough. I couldn't imagine doing it on my own, let alone deciding to have two children as a single mother, but each to their own . . .

Staying in the relationship? Is this the sort of environment you want to raise children? Is he the sort of role model you want for your kids?

If your answer is yes, I think you should go for it! Have a bunch of kids if that's what you want!

All the best.

[TallisLanesMummy]

THB i think you are mad for wanting a child with a man who is as unstable as your DP is! I fell preg by accident to my ex Dp and he was all kinds of nasty hence to say my eldest DS hasn't seen his BF since he was 6 weeks old...

what are you going to do if one of the kids turns out to need extra care and attention from you, be rather unfair on both kids if that happens and you don't have the support from the father (as that is the other person who's support they need, no one elses will do)

Who bloody cares if they aren't full blood siblings? More often then not, no matter what anyone else says step-in-fathers love and treat the kids exactly the same as the bio fathers... my eldest DS has only ever known my DP as his dad and i'd rather it that way then see the all kinds of nasty of his bio father! Alot of my friends are in exactly the same boat and the step-in-fathers are better men then the bio fathers!

Really take time to think about it & the repcussions if you go ahead and have a special needs child who needs more support then you can give as a single parent and the effects on your other child!

[Kimberleygal1]

You may not appreciate my honesty but.... DON'T DO IT.
You are very obviously not happy and if he isn't coping with being a father with one child it will not change having another child. He is not being fair to you or your daughter. It will only get worse and it's the children who suffer in the end! It sounds like you deserve alot more than he is giving you... perhaps that special someone is still out there looking for you!

[waterlily]

I have read all your post about your DP. LEAVE and do not have another baby with him. You will find another man who will love and respect you and your DD, please wait for him.

I'm sorry but your partner is an ar se.