sexual assult of my DS by sibling *possible trigger information*

[lorwee]

I am newish here, but need some advice ASAP.

My 5yo DS told me a few nights ago that his 12yo step brother put's his penis into my DS mouth and bum. My step-son eventually admitted to this but would not explain why/when/who etc. He does not live with us, his mother is barely in his life, has previously physcially hurt my DS, and has been in loads of trouble at school for his behaviour. I have been saying for some time this child needs urgent help but apparently local community organsiations are not getting back to guardian.

Now I know that this puts my husband into a very awkward situation with his eldest son doing this to his younger son...but what do I do?
I know all about mandatory reporting but not sure what the full process is.
If my step-son is put into counselling it has to be reported to DOCS because of mandatory reporting laws..do they then contact police and press charges?

I dont know what to do. I feel so sick knowing he has done this to my son, but also know that anything I do to try to protect my son, can create very unstable relationships for my husband/his family etc.

what would you do?

[IndigoJ]

Im so sorry, i have no advice :hugs: So sorry you and your little boy are going through this :hugs::hugs:

[SuperGranny]

hi, I would have to do something. I would maybe start with telling your husband, he has to know what his oldest son had done to his youngest son. Then you can together get some advice from maybe the police, family services? Im sure the 12 year old would not be charged, but he would be councelled and given some support to made to realise this is not at all permissible, and find the reasons why he did that. I tend to think you need to get help for the 12 yr old as well as the 5 yr old, but the 5 yr old has done nothing wrong, and he needs to be comforted, the 12 yr old needs more help. I feel so sorry for you, this is a terrible situation. Marie.

[DanceInTheRain]

Firstly I'm so sorry, you must be feeling so sick and awful :( :(

Honestly? If someone did that to my son I would do whatever it took to make sure he could never ever come near my child (or any other for that matter) ever ever again, I can understand your predicament but tbh I wouldn't care so much about the stepson's relationships with his family, I would be more focussed on him getting the help he so obviously needs.

[HART]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Sorry can't offer any advice - what a horrible situation! :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[misskittyfantastico]

What an horrific situation to be in. Stuff of nightmares.
It has to be reported. Appropriate help and counselling is vital for all of you, and people who are trained in dealing with this will be able to guide you.

Your step son may well have been/is being sexually abused.

How bloody awful:(

[BabelFish]

I am really so sorry to hear about this.

You will need to contact DOCS in your state. This is a must. I don't know about police involvement as far as charges because your stepson is a minor, and has admitted to this behaviour. Investigations will take place, you will most likely be assigned a social worker, and your son will be given counseling.

It is my very strong advice, however, that you find a good private child psychologist and start your stepson seeing him once a week, every week. I would say there is no question that he has suffered abuse also - or is still suffering abuse - and as you already know, he desperately needs help.

I think it probably will be tough on your relationship but this is less of a priority than getting this boy the help he needs, and equally importantly, stopping the cycle of abuse, and also getting help for your 5-year-old. If your husband loves his sons, as I'm sure he does, it will be just as important to him to protect his son as it is for you to protect yours together.

There will be no quick solution to this, but to get the ball rolling it is imperative that you contact DOCS and report it.

Best of luck.

[Hootenanny]

I can understand what an uncomfortable and horrible situation you have been put in but first and foremost the stepson needs help. Docs needs to be informed for his sake and yours (and your sons), if this is not reported to Docs by you and your husband it will not reflect well on you. Your stepson needs to see professionals and your hubby should see it as a means to helping his son(s) and not as something against him.

[Grinnyswife]

I feel so sad and sick reading this.
I'm so sorry :( I would be absolutely shattered if anyone ever did anything like this to either of my children, my heart breaks for your son.

U need to make sure ur step son is nowhere near your 5yo, at any time!

You need to tell ur husband!
And somebody needs to get both kids to a psychiatrist asap!

So sorry :(

[veve]

oh gosh hon - that situation is my nightmare - i've always drilled into my boys what is private and what isnt' in the hopes that this situation a) wont happen, or b) my boys will be confident telling me that something WRONG happened.

I think you need to head to the GP to talk to him/ her about referral for getting some sort of therapy (even just to talk to a social worker) for the both children. I would personally worry as to WHERE he at such an age knows what to 'do' and where he learnt it???

I would also be worried about the five year olds self esteem, self confidence and feeling of self worth since this has happened - he needs to know that HE is in control of his body and who touches those areas :(

I would NEVER EVER leave those two children in a room unsupervised again- at least until the 5 year old is confident and feels SECURE and safe (sexual assult can become rather .. secretive - and the assult(er) often become extremely discrete - I know of some families where abuse has continued on well after parents knew, because the older sibling became VERY clever at sneaking into rooms etc :(

I dont know if I even came close to answering your OP - but all I can think about right now is my five year old boy and how upset I would be on his behalf if that happened in our family. :hugs: to you - and I hope you and your husband can sort your way through this :(

[deany]

first of all i am so sorry for your little boy and you! Second of all i feel sorry that your stepson may have had a traumatic experience while growing up! i have heard you can make an anonymous phone call and say that in a hypathetical situation what would happen??! I agree that i would keep your younger son away from older step son until at least its been dealt with and personally i would never allow contact between the two but thats just me!

[MermaidSister]

Sorry but it would be irresponsible not to take immediate action involving authorities. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks, or his family.

I work with kids every day who are lost causes because this happened to them and their parents didn't act, in the hope it would stop. The abuse will not go away, it will escalate.

You have to contact the police or DoCS.

[Grinnyswife]

In New Zealand when I was a victim of assult they had a thing called victim support, They were very good, I'm not sure if Australia has victim support??in nz u can call them for advice on this sort of thing and get sorted watever they recommend.
Maybe look it up? It was a govt org.

[BabelFish]

Oh, and by the way, I just wanted to tell you that you are obviously a fantastic mother who has raised her son to tell you very intimate secrets and who obviously trusts you fully. This is in no way your fault if you are feeling guilty (a natural way to feel) and well done to you for getting onto it so fast.

[mummaof4]

Oh, and by the way, I just wanted to tell you that you are obviously a fantastic mother who has raised her son to tell you very intimate secrets and who obviously trusts you fully. This is in no way your fault if you are feeling guilty (a natural way to feel) and well done to you for getting onto it so fast.

i was just going to say that! what a great relationship you and your son must have that he's told you what happened.

poor little guy :( please get them both into counselling and keep them away from eachother when youre not present.

[bumMum]

Just thank god your son told you what has happened~ then contact docs immediately and possibly the sexual assault resource centre where you are. Your husband is in a very bad position but that's something he will have to deal with. Just focus on your son and his recovery. I'm sure you know these two boys can not anywhere near each other right now even with supervision it would be too traumatic for your son. Don't leave it another minute. My partner was abused from the age of 5 and it took years and years and years of counselling for him to even be kind of okay. This is a terrible thing but it will be worse if you let time pass by without acting

[V8]

Have just done a quick search and found this organisation on the web called ChildWise (http://www.childwise.net/report_child_abuse/child_sexual_abuse_in_australia.php) which may be at least one avenue, to get support, counselling etc and to direct you further with regards to getting help for your step son and your own son. What a heartbreaking, horrible situation to be in. :( :hugs: :hugs:

[SassyMummy]

I just had a whole bunch of stuff typed up, and it all vanished...

Anyway, I won't retype it all... but will give you a number that could help:

1800 200 526

This is the 24 hour National Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault helpline. You can call them right now, and ask for assistance in this matter.

[TinyLittleTootsies]

I am really so sorry to hear about this.

You will need to contact DOCS in your state. This is a must. I don't know about police involvement as far as charges because your stepson is a minor, and has admitted to this behaviour. Investigations will take place, you will most likely be assigned a social worker, and your son will be given counseling.

It is my very strong advice, however, that you find a good private child psychologist and start your stepson seeing him once a week, every week. I would say there is no question that he has suffered abuse also - or is still suffering abuse - and as you already know, he desperately needs help.

I think it probably will be tough on your relationship but this is less of a priority than getting this boy the help he needs, and equally importantly, stopping the cycle of abuse, and also getting help for your 5-year-old. If your husband loves his sons, as I'm sure he does, it will be just as important to him to protect his son as it is for you to protect yours together.

There will be no quick solution to this, but to get the ball rolling it is imperative that you contact DOCS and report it.

Best of luck.

I agree with this 100%. You need to contact someone first thing and report this. It needs to be investigated by authorities. You need to have your own son booked into therapy as this is really important. He will deal with this now and get the help he needs now so that it will not effect him later in life. You really need to do this for him. A GP can refer you to a private phychiatrist who specialises in this.

You cannot leave this alone as it is not harmless. Your DS has been sexually abused, no matter what the age of the person who has done this, and action has to be taken.

CLose family friends had this happen to them too, only the person who did it to their son was a 12 year old baby sitter. Both children got the help that they needed but police and therapy was involved for all parties.

please act asap, and do NOT let your step son near your DS until you have talked to the experts on what to do.

You may also need to talk to someone about what has happened for your own self.

Good luck :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Veritas]

Like some other lovely hubbers have said previously, you must must must report this to your local child protection authorities, for everybodies sake....

A JIRT investigation will be the next step, and then appropriate action will be taken from there, including supports for everybody involved...

[ejandakrose]

Hugs! This must be such a hard thing to go through. I was sexually abused as a child and I dread it ever happening to my daughter. I hope that she's able to tell me if anything happens like your son could with you.

I would report it. Your step son obviously needs help, and yes whilst it may be devastating for your husband and his family you could be preventing the abuse of another child.

I would also have someone talk to your son. If it's dealt with appropriately now then it may not have as many repercussions in the future as it may if you don't report it.

[ComeBackKid]

I have read this over and over - looking for the right words to say...

firstly ((((((((HUGS))))))))) I can only imagine how devestated you must be.

I am so so so so pleased that your son told you.

The PPs have been great and i totally agree.

First and for most needs to be your son - protect him and keep him safe. He will need counselling/support.

Definitely tell your husband. And definitely report it. He needs intervention now so he doesnt re-offend and also to help him deal with any past sexual trauma.

[me+he=3]

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling.

However, if it were me... You need to tell your husband and tell DOCS and absolutely keep your step son away from your son. Your son is an absolute priority!!!

It is not appropriate, not okay and your child SHOULD NOT have to go through that.

[MyFourCubs]

I completely agree with the above.:( How truly awful- and horrifying:no:

BOTH of your boys need help- your step son because his behaviour is indicative of someboy who hmself has been abused, and because he is presenting as a danger to others. It was your little boy this time- who next? What if he takes this further? You MUST take action now to protect both him and others.:( Your little boy needs help because what has happened may traumatise him and cause HIM problems down the track. I am so relieved that he was able to tell you and so sorry for the position that you are in, I know it's easy for us to tell you what you need to do but I realsie how difficult and heart breaking this must be.:(

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[waterlily]

You poor thing. I am so glad your son was able to tell you this, you must have a very good relationship which is lovey.

I'd call Docs asap I know it's your husbands son but he has just sexually assaulted your son you can not worry yourself with treading on toes even your husbands you need to get both kids counseling immediately.

Does your stepson live with you? If it was me I'd want him out of my house back with his own mother. I'm sorry but I can't see how it would help your son seeing him everyday?

If your stepson is abusing at such a young age chances are he to is being abused so make sure he gets help too either way.

:hugs:

[lorwee]

first of my DH is fully aware. The following day he went to his eldest son's to speak with him about it.

My 5yo said this happened a while ago, and he was too afraid to say anything because his brother threatened to hurt him if he did. It hasnt appeared to effect him too much, because he doesnt fully understand the seriousness of it only being 5. As far as he is aware bum's are for pooing and doodles are for weeing. He has since been told how very important it is for people to not touch his private parts,etc. I have also told him if it worries him, or he is upset by it and needs to talk that he can come to me at any time to talk about.

At the moment I think DH is still in part denial and shock.
His DS lives with my husbands Mum/Dad because of a custody battle 10yrs ago. We had DS live with us for a while but his behaviour got worse, becaause he wanted to go back to his grandma's. He has lived there since he was 2 so after 9mths with us when he was 5 he wanted to go back.

I have always had concerns from a physically violent persepective of him. Previously finding a list of people to die, etc, punching his brother real hard in the stomach, hurting him, calling girls at school sl**ts, bullying people at school and when here with his younger siblings. He doesnt have much contact with his mum or other older brother and sister from his mum. We will be sitting him down next weekemd for answers and decided what to do from there.

I agree he does need urgent help, and has done for some time but I think some people refused to admit that and I was just the cow of a step-mum who suggested it

[lorwee]

I too had been sexually abused as a 12yo by an older cousin. And that hurt me for many years and left me with trust issues.

My husband was first 5 when a family friend sexually abused him. He said he remember's the man but not really what happened. Then at 12 he was again assulted. Remembers that clearly and that effected him the most.

So we both know what it is like, and what our son would be going through...

I am still very scattered at the moment

[MamaKoala]

OP - how truly upsetting and horrifying for you and your son to go through this.

Regardless of how your husband wants to deal with his son, it is your number 1 priority to protect your son from further abuse. Even though you think it may not be affecting him much now, he has been exposed to sexual behaviour and this has changed the way he thinks. You really need to get him help, whether you think he needs it or not. This will come back to the surface later on in his life so it is important that he gets the support now.
As a result of this behaviour he could go on to express this sort of behaviour towards others and continue the cycle of abuse. He needs an outlet to deal with what has happened to him and a professional is someone who is trained in this area to give the support and guidance your son needs.

I would also report it to DoCS. It is important that your step son get the appropriate counseling and care. It is not ok that things have been swept aside and the signs that he has been abused been ignored. Someone needs to be accountable and responsible enough to stop what is happening to both children.

If your husband is worried that his son will end up in foster care as a result of all of this, he shouldn't. He needs to take charge of this situation and protect both children from each other and his step-son from ongoing abuse.

I really hope your family can overcome this, but do not feel like you have to go with the grain in terms of getting support and help for your children. Your priority is your 5 year old, who this should never have happened to. The adults can say what they like but it is the children who have suffered and it is supposed to be the adults who act in a way that keeps the children safe and secure. Please get your son into counselling. Counselling will not damage him further, it will help him deal with this and make sure that he does not become an abuser himself.

[lorwee]

thanks everyone - and your right my son should be MY priority - not what might happen to step-son, because at the end of the day it may not look like it effects my son now, but when he gets older it may, especially once he learns about sexual intercourse etc, and that may make him question alot about himself.

Thank you so much for your support.

As a mother I already feel like I have let him down and been unable to protect him. I never thought his brother would do this to him, and with any steps I take now for the sake of my children, I may be viewed as the biggest ***** on earth, but at least my kids will grow up knowing I did what I had to do for THEIR saftey.

I cant help but wonder if my MIL and husband would be reacting different if my daughter was the victim

[zombiekitty]

I am newish here, but need some advice ASAP.

My 5yo DS told me a few nights ago that his 12yo step brother put's his penis into my DS mouth and bum. My step-son eventually admitted to this but would not explain why/when/who etc. He does not live with us, his mother is barely in his life, has previously physcially hurt my DS, and has been in loads of trouble at school for his behaviour. I have been saying for some time this child needs urgent help but apparently local community organsiations are not getting back to guardian.

Now I know that this puts my husband into a very awkward situation with his eldest son doing this to his younger son...but what do I do?
I know all about mandatory reporting but not sure what the full process is.
If my step-son is put into counselling it has to be reported to DOCS because of mandatory reporting laws..do they then contact police and press charges?

I dont know what to do. I feel so sick knowing he has done this to my son, but also know that anything I do to try to protect my son, can create very unstable relationships for my husband/his family etc.

what would you do?

I would not be letting this child anywhere near my son for a start. If you know something has happened and he goes near your son again it could be worse next time :(
I would be reporting it to the police and docs.

[Greenstar]

:hugs::hugs: big hugs to you what a terrible situation you are in. I feel for your DS, thank god he did tell you and didn't keep it in for however many years. My DH was in the same situation when he was a kid and his 'guardian' did the worse thing - she did nothing. She left him around the people who were abusing him before another family member finally stepped him and took him away from that. He has disowned everybody involved in it and wishes someone had done something straight away as he was only 6 and had no idea how to save himself.
You will be doing the right thing by acting only in your sons interests. He is the victim, he needs to be given all the help he requires and taken away from the situation. Sadly everyone who thinks you are 'rocking the boat' needs a good kick in the bum to see this from your DS's point of view. He's 5. Protect him. Get him out. Report to police & docs and get the step-son some help too. I might be talking too much but I'm living with what happens when the person isn't protected and everyone believes that 'he'll be fine, he's so young he won't remember'. It's bull.

I'm so sorry. :hugs:

[zombiekitty]

oh gosh hon - that situation is my nightmare - i've always drilled into my boys what is private and what isnt' in the hopes that this situation a) wont happen, or b) my boys will be confident telling me that something WRONG happened.

I think you need to head to the GP to talk to him/ her about referral for getting some sort of therapy (even just to talk to a social worker) for the both children. I would personally worry as to WHERE he at such an age knows what to 'do' and where he learnt it???


He's 12. Many kids this age are having sex. Sad, but true. He's high school age. I guess having sex at such a young age isn't the 'norm' but it does happen.
To me, he's a sexual predator regardless or where he learned it.

[Grinnyswife]

He's 12. Many kids this age are having sex. Sad, but true. He's high school age. I guess having sex at such a young age isn't the 'norm' but it does happen.
To me, he's a sexual predator regardless or where he learned it.

Sex with girls their age.
Not their FIVE year old BOTHER!!!!

[lorwee]

he is in year 5 (after repeating kindergarten) so he would have been in HS next year if he didn't repeat. A few months ago he wrote on a girls Facebook page that he was no longer a virgin and that to me was weird because from what I have been told, alot of his peers don't like him because of his behaviour towards them.

From what we know, this has not happened recently. It would have been in either the last school holidays or before then. He does not come down often, especially on his own because usually he is with his grandmother.

His mother gave him up when he was 2, he has always been in a very loving,caring environment where he pretty much gets what ever he wants. There has always been this thing amonst my husbands family that they all need to "feel sorry" for him because he doesnt really know his mother. And this worked in his favour because he could play on it. He has ALOT of issues, having previously told his school counsellor that he wasnt allowed to shower at home, or he did not have a toothbrush, or food (which was a load of bulldust)...all because he was trying to go and live with his mother. He has created "hit list" of people to kill so psychologically this kid is not right...

He will not be allowed near my children for a very long time now which means my children miss out on seeing their grandparents and aunties and uncles

[Grinnyswife]

he is in year 5 (after repeating kindergarten) so he would have been in HS next year if he didn't repeat. A few months ago he wrote on a girls Facebook page that he was no longer a virgin and that to me was weird because from what I have been told, alot of his peers don't like him because of his behaviour towards them.

From what we know, this has not happened recently. It would have been in either the last school holidays or before then. He does not come down often, especially on his own because usually he is with his grandmother.

His mother gave him up when he was 2, he has always been in a very loving,caring environment where he pretty much gets what ever he wants. There has always been this thing amonst my husbands family that they all need to "feel sorry" for him because he doesnt really know his mother. And this worked in his favour because he could play on it. He has ALOT of issues, having previously told his school counsellor that he wasnt allowed to shower at home, or he did not have a toothbrush, or food (which was a load of bulldust)...all because he was trying to go and live with his mother. He has created "hit list" of people to kill so psychologically this kid is not right...

He will not be allowed near my children for a very long time now which means my children miss out on seeing their grandparents and aunties and uncles

I think your doing the right thing, despite the fact your ds wont see some of his family.
Im sure they will understand & perhaps visit him at your place?

Your step son sounds VERY troubled and I think he definately needs alot of help.

All the best

[zombiekitty]

Sex with girls their age.
Not their FIVE year old BOTHER!!!!

Um, yeah. Clearly I didn't mean with their brother :confused: Just saying that his behviour doesn't necessarily mean he's been or being sexually abused. O.K? Like, as in, he may just be having sex with girls his own age rather then being interfered with. Sheesh.

[zombiekitty]

He will not be allowed near my children for a very long time now which means my children miss out on seeing their grandparents and aunties and uncles

Yes, but you are doing the right thing by your kids by protecting them. I am so sorry that you are going through this :hugs:

[Grinnyswife]

Um, yeah. Clearly I didn't mean with their brother :confused: Just saying that his behviour doesn't necessarily mean he's been or being sexually abused. O.K? Like, as in, he may just be having sex with girls his own age rather then being interfered with. Sheesh.


The two behaviors are very different though so what is your point?
having sex with girls his own age, although very young is normal human baviour.
The thought even crossing a boys mind to do what he has done to his brother is very much abnormal.

I can see what your saying, that it may not have been learnt.
but kids having sex at his age is completely irrelevant

[zombiekitty]

The two behaviors are very different though so what is your point?
having sex with girls his own age, although very young is normal human baviour.
The thought even crossing a boys mind to do what he has done to his brother is very much abnormal.

I can see what your saying, that it may not have been learnt.
but kids having sex at his age is completely irrelevant

It's all there in my post and, in fact, you answered it yourself :)

[Cheerilee]

This NEEDS to be reported to the relevant authorities! DOCS or whoever is the applicable service in your state. The main reason is to protect your son and ANY other child/children he is around socially or at school.

Your son needs to talk to someone like a child psychologist so he does not learn that this is appropriate behaviour and to cope with the trauma he has experienced.

Your stepson needs HELP for this. He needs it immediately before he abuses more children. He also needs to be supervised around any other children and at school. He is 12, old enough even if he was himself a victim to know that it is not proper behaviour.

Child sexual assault by other children is a grossly underestimated problem. If children who commit the abuse are not treated they have a high chance of becoming a sexual predator as an adult. Just some stats for you 1 in 3 rapes in America is by underage boys.

As a victim myself of a sexual assault by a underage person (female), I can tell you that the trauma is just as real as if it was someone older.

As for your husband he should want to protect both his sons and in reporting his older son, he will get the help he needs while ensuring the safety of his younger son!

[spoon]

:no: I can't believe that 99% of you are talking about this child like he is an adult.:no: He is a CHILD. 12 years old.:no: He needs counseling as do the parents. How you handle this can determine this persons future. Go and get some proper counseling instead of expecting a bunch of nobodies to give you proper help or advice. This issue is too important to muck around with.

[Cheerilee]

:no: I can't believe that 99% of you are talking about this child like he is an adult.:no: He is a CHILD. 12 years old.:no: He needs counseling as do the parents. How you handle this can determine this persons future. Go and get some proper counseling instead of expecting a bunch of nobodies to give you proper help or advice. This issue is too important to muck around with.

He is a child who need help yes. If this is reported to DOCS they get the child that help. Social worker and either or psychologist/psychiatrist. The damage done to the 5 yr old can not be downplayed because the person who did it to him was 12. I do believe I wrote that he needs help immediately.

Due to the increase in these sort of things happening there are now programs for children who sexually assault other children.

Makes me mad when people discount the damage of these sort of incidences, just because the person who committed it is underage. If you read about sex offenders you will find out that it can start at a very young age (6 to be specific) and it needs to be addressed not discounted as merely children being children.

[waterlily]

Makes me mad when people discount the damage of these sort of incidences, just because the person who committed it is underage. If you read about sex offenders you will find out that it can start at a very young age (6 to be specific) and it needs to be addressed not discounted as merely children being children.

:iagree:

[Grinnyswife]

I'd actually be worried he has already or will do it to another child I.e at school.
I can tell u I'd not want a child like this at school with my kids.
He needs immediate help!

[zombiekitty]

Makes me mad when people discount the damage of these sort of incidences, just because the person who committed it is underage.

I agree 100%.
I hope you don't think that's what I was saying.

[spoon]

I do not believe that in order to help the 5 year old, the 12 year old needs to be spoken of or treated like a criminal due to the fact that he is indeed a CHILD. He needs HELP. And if people around him are going to treat him like a untreatable criminal, he will have an increased risk of becoming a criminal. Chances are he has been molested himself. I agree to report it to DOCS but don't expect them to solve everything. This child is not in imminent danger as the parents are now aware of what has happened. There are many children who face terrible child abuse at the hands of their carers who never get to see a case worker.

[MamaKoala]

I don't think anyone has suggested that he be treated like a criminal. Just because the parents are now aware does not stop it from happening. If they do nothing, it will happen again. Everyone has suggested he needs urgent help. But the 5 year old also needs urgent help. If the parents guard the 5 year old from the 12 year old, of course he will feel bad, but they are protecting one child from another who has molested him. Whether the 12 year old understands fully what he has done or not. It is still wrong and the child should be made aware of how serious it is to sexually assault another person.

[raisingthree]

I would do anything I had to to protect my son, even if that meant destroying the relationship with my husband.

I would definately report it and have the counselling for your step-son and help for your son. I would also be curious as to how the 12 year old knew how to do this and if its actually happening to him and he is repeating the behaviour?

I am sorry you are going through this :no:

[waterlily]

I do not believe that in order to help the 5 year old, the 12 year old needs to be spoken of or treated like a criminal due to the fact that he is indeed a CHILD. He needs HELP. And if people around him are going to treat him like a untreatable criminal, he will have an increased risk of becoming a criminal. Chances are he has been molested himself. I agree to report it to DOCS but don't expect them to solve everything. This child is not in imminent danger as the parents are now aware of what has happened. There are many children who face terrible child abuse at the hands of their carers who never get to see a case worker.

Who has said he needs to be treated like a criminal and not receive help? :confused:
Everyone has agreed that he needs help asap and suggested many different ways of receiving that help.

[Grinnyswife]

Who has said he needs to be treated like a criminal and not receive help? :confused:
Everyone has agreed that he needs help asap and suggested many different ways of receiving that help.

Exactly. I'm confused too

[Opinionated]

I don't know the procedures about how these things are dealt with. If it were me, I would be speaking to the police. A serious crime has been committed. I would not concern myself with the perpertrator, my concern would be with my son. The police/ DOCS or whoever deals with offenders of his age would be arranged by the police. That's their job.

[dancingchipmunk]

I don't know the procedures about how these things are dealt with. If it were me, I would be speaking to the police. A serious crime has been committed. I would not concern myself with the perpertrator, my concern would be with my son. The police/ DOCS or whoever deals with offenders of his age would be arranged by the police. That's their job.

:iagree:

I get that your step son is 12, still a child, but he is old enough to know right from wrong. Saying that he does need help.

My first (and honestly only) priority would be MY child in this situation. I'm sorry if that is harsh but he is the victim and he needs to be kept safe.

By all means, get help for your step son. That is a great idea, he does need help. But your son is the "most important" (can't think of a better way to put it sorry) person at the moment.

[BabelFish]

You can't know right from wrong if you have been raised to believe wrong is normal and that's all you've known.

Um afraid it's just not that black and white.

[Veritas]

This NEEDS to be reported to the relevant authorities! DOCS or whoever is the applicable service in your state. The main reason is to protect your son and ANY other child/children he is around socially or at school.

Your son needs to talk to someone like a child psychologist so he does not learn that this is appropriate behaviour and to cope with the trauma he has experienced.

Your stepson needs HELP for this. He needs it immediately before he abuses more children. He also needs to be supervised around any other children and at school. He is 12, old enough even if he was himself a victim to know that it is not proper behaviour.

Child sexual assault by other children is a grossly underestimated problem. If children who commit the abuse are not treated they have a high chance of becoming a sexual predator as an adult. Just some stats for you 1 in 3 rapes in America is by underage boys.

:iagree:

I can't state strongly enough how important it is that this is dealt with PROPERLY and through the appropriate channels....

You cannot assume your son is "unaffected" by this....

Yes your stepson has some very deep and serious attachment issues that may run to the heart of his behaviours, and definitely a great deal of indicators that he himself is a victim of abuse, but this doesn't negate the seriousness of what he has done, nor the potential for this to snowball into a much bigger issue for all if it isn't dealt with properly and fully now.... I'm sorry but this is not something you and your husband can fix by talking it through and not involving the appropriate agencies...

If it was not a sibling there would be no hesitation in reporting, so why is this different? Downplaying child sexual abuse by child perpetrators only perpetuates the cycle of abuse.... his interactions with ANY child need to be monitored to ensure this doesn't happen to another child, as if and when it does, I can guarantee you it will not be looked upon favourably if you knew of previous occurrences but didn't take appropriate action....

[beebs]

Yes - I agree with the above PPs- you need to deal with this properly. You need to show you DS that you will do ANYTHING it takes to make him safe. I know that the perpetrator is only 12, but it is no excuse. You need to report it. If he is doing that to little kids chances are he has had it/or having it done to him.

I have a friend who was abused as a child by a 13 year old boy. He was 11 at the time. His whole life he always thought it "Wasn't really abuse" because the person who did it was a kid too, but he could never get over it. He is still dealing with it and is still traumatised almost 24 years later.

I'm sorry but I agree. I was abused as a child - when I was 12 I wasn't out there doing stuff to kids - I knew the difference between right and wrong.

It is an awful situation - but your 5 year old needs to come first.

[Nowhere]

Your poor little boy how frightening for him, Im glad he was able to do the right thing even if it seemed scary and come and tell you, Know its your turn to do the same and tell some one who can help him You are his world he sees you as the person that can fix this, but you cant do it on your own you need to report to the right authorities i would sugest calling docs like others have also suggested.

This is way more than a case of kids messing around, this isnt even a mild sexual asualt( Not saying ANY asualt i ok its not ) this is full blown rape, Two count at minimum of pentatration both analy and oraly, It is infact a serious serious asulat and also crime ( i know the offender is also a child but he stil comited a crime)

The other thing that concerns me is how did your step son learn to do this, It makes me wonder if he has also been a victim of abuse also, I wouldnt think that at 12 years of a age a little boy would think to do what he did, So I would think some serious therapy is also needed there as well.

Also for your DS he needs to get into a therapist ASAP, he NEEDs to know that you and his dad are doing every thing you possible can to make things right, he NEEDs to be heard, he may not know what was done to him is so terrible at the age he is but he wil remember and when he gets older and realises what actual happened to him and what a violation that was he will more so then than ever need to be able to look back and KNOW that you did ALL you could to protect him and make srue it never happens again and got him the right help he needed to get through it.

I cant imagine the pain you are going through as a mum knowing that this happened to your DS but i can imagine that if this isnt dealt with through the proper channels what you and your DS and DH are feeling now wont even be a patch on the greif you wil go through when he gets older and realises what happened to him was so so wrong, It would be a crime not to report the rape of a minor.

[TinyLittleTootsies]

I really do not wish to add to your pain, but one thing you also have to think about is that you need to ask a doctor about having your son tested for STI's. If the 13 year old is sexually active, I doubt he has used protection. This is just one of the steps that authority would take as well, which is why you need their expert advice over anything anyone says on here.

[DoneAndDusted]

Like some other lovely hubbers have said previously, you must must must report this to your local child protection authorities, for everybodies sake....

A JIRT investigation will be the next step, and then appropriate action will be taken from there, including supports for everybody involved...

This - JIRT will involve DOCS, Police and anyone else relevant to the investigation/support process.

I am so sorry this has happened OP :hugs:

I'm not sure where you are at with this and I have not read all the comments, but my best wishes to all involved.

[Ohlala]

I don't know the procedures about how these things are dealt with. If it were me, I would be speaking to the police. A serious crime has been committed. I would not concern myself with the perpertrator, my concern would be with my son. The police/ DOCS or whoever deals with offenders of his age would be arranged by the police. That's their job.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I am so sorry this has happened to your family, I cannot imagine what your going through :hugs:

[futureherder]

:hugs: I am so sorry you have having to deal with this and I am sorry that your son had to go through that.

You son-in-law needs to be report to the police and DOCS and he needs to get help with whatever he is going through that has lead him to treat someone like that.

Your son should get some help also.

honestly who gives a Sh!t about what son-in-laws family is going to do and how difficult this is going to be for them or your DP (sorry) but it is nothing compared to what your son and any future victims of this child might go through.

[pregception]

:hugs:
Oh dear.
I think you should seek psychiatric help for both sons (obviously for different reasons!)
I doubt the police would 'press charges' on a 12 yo, but he needs to be pulled up on this immediately and pulled into line IMMEDIATELY or he'll never learn and it may progress into adulthood and that would be a million times worse :dizzy: Maybe a sit-down talk with a counsellor or the police may knock him into shape!

Make sure you are re-assuring your son that he has done nothing wrong, and maybe you should separate them until the 12yo is clear about what is acceptable/unacceptable right/wrong! Who knows, maybe the underlying issue here is that this has happened to the 12 yo by another person and because of this he is dealing with it in the same way (onto your son). Likewise, you don't wish your son to grow up thinking that it is behaviour you can get away with. Lead by example and be very, very firm with both, but also gentle.

In regards to your husband, he really ought to be involved with this. Yes, it is awkward, embarrassing etc. But it is wrong and he is just very well going to have to get over those feelings for this to work.

I'm very sorry to hear that this is happen and I am here to chat to if you need someone. :) I am here to chat to anybody needing it!
:hugs::hugs:

[sandy cheeks]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
What a awful situation to be in.
I think you need to tell someone for both boy's if not DOCS then a professional in the field.
If you seek help now it may help your ds later on when he does understand what happend.
Is there a chance your stepson has been abused?
Not trying to jump to conclusions but sometimes kids who are abused will also abuse and he may see your ds as a weaker threat iykwim.
I would get some help asap. It will help the whole family and they may be able to guide you as what is the best way of going about things and how to talk about it/deal with it.
:hugs: again.

[MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea]

Also for your DS he needs to get into a therapist ASAP, he NEEDs to know that you and his dad are doing every thing you possible can to make things right, he NEEDs to be heard, he may not know what was done to him is so terrible at the age he is but he wil remember and when he gets older and realises what actual happened to him and what a violation that was he will more so then than ever need to be able to look back and KNOW that you did ALL you could to protect him and make srue it never happens again and got him the right help he needed to get through it.


Absolutely agree with this. While both boys need help, your son absolutely needs to see something being done about this. He needs to see that he is the priority, not family togetherness etc, and nothing swept under the rug, so that he knows he is protected and valued. And lots of reassurance that he did the right thing in telling you and also I would make it clear to the extended family that no one is ever to say anything that would imply your son is responsible for any discord in the family.

[thebas2560]

I was abused when i was 5. Your DS is your absolute first priority. You are all he has. If you do nothing, or not enough, to protect him and show his worth by your actions- he will remember it for the rest of his life and will shape him, his behaviour, how he feels about you and how he feels about the world. My mother acted. The message that sent me made what happened to me have a minimal impact on my life. If she acted any other way i believe it would have ruined me.

Even though he is 5, this matters deeply. Whatever the cost, act. My mother left my natural father at the first opportunity because he beat her. She left before I was born. My mother acted upon my being abused at the first opportunity. My mother, though single with me and always struggling in many ways, put me first and because of that I believe i have become the strong, stable, loving person I am today with a great family of my own. I trusted my mother even if everything else around me crumbled. Your DS needs to know he can trust you, because he will remember this time when he is older and has a more mature perspective.

This is a horrible situation but it cannot be swept under the carpet (I know that's not what you want to do). I feel for you but obviously I feel great empathy for your DS.

[jaidynsmylilman]

Firstly even though ur stepson is 12 he is old enough to know what he did was wrong. I was 11-12 when i was abused and i knew it was wrong but i couldnt tell but you need to call upon the authorites the police needs to called and the situation reported that way they can investigate which could be a more deeper situation in regards to finding out if someone else is doing this to ur stepson.
From what i can see both ur sons are victems. Yes ur 12 yr old needs to be dealt with but they are both victims cause a 12 yr old shouldnt know how to participate in homosexual intercourse at his age without being shown or told. tell ur husband and comfort ur 5 yr old and tell him its not his fault as he will be having a very hard time.

sending hugs and hope the right course is taken into dealing with this horrible situation your in.:hugs:

[lulululu]

Firstly talk with husband and hopefully be on the same page.
Second reassure 5yo that what happened was not his fault, that he can talk to you or anyone about it, that what his brother did is wrong, and that you will do everything you can to make sure it doesn't happen again. Then ask him what he wants to happen and respect his reply (even if it's not possible)
thirdly tell 12yo he must never do that again to anyone and you are going to make sure he gets all the help he needs to help him control his behaviour. This may be best coming from your husband depending on your relationship. Contact your local police and ask if there's a specialist you can see. Do you live in the city? Most big LACs having various specialists for, for example family violence, or juvenile crime. If you don't go to the police it gives both sons the message that this is excusable

[Von Zipper]

I have read through the entire thread and decided to reply because no one mentioned that your step son could very possibly be charged with sexual assault. In most (if not all) Australian states, the age where it is considered a child knows right from wrong is 10 years old.

I used to work in criminal law and we represented a 12 and 13 year old charged with sexual assault of another little boy.

I still 100% think you need to report this, but just be prepared that it could be very difficult for everyone involved if your step son is charged.

[lorwee]

Argghhhh just wrote my reply to accidently delete it! :(

It was reported to DOCS who investigated with police (Jirt) and no charges will be laid due to the fact my 5yo can not fully detail everything that happened,when etc. That is fine with me, it was never about charges, it was about getting my son and even my stepson help. which my son will start counselling in the new year

Secondly my hubby and mil are working with docs to try and get Stepson help, but its prooving very difficult because there doesnt seem to be any programs that deal with this sort of stuff (i.e children with agresssive sexual behaviours)

So thank you to all of those that posted. I am glad I was not the only one mortified by what has happened because whilst the in laws were it seems they were more concerned about blaming someone for this happeneing then looking at the big picture that this kid needs serious help!

Thanks again

[One of THOSE mums!]

I'm so glad u reported it.
I'm shocked that there aren't sufficient resources to help your stepson.
One thing I thought someone else would have said is that I think u and ur dh should speak to a councilor. It must be so hard dealing with the fact that ur son has been abused.
I have never been in ur situation, so I am by no means telling u what u need to do. But I think that to be able to support both boys u need some professional help.
I hope u and ur family can get through all thus.
Huge hugs!!!

[Veritas]

Argghhhh just wrote my reply to accidently delete it! :(

It was reported to DOCS who investigated with police (Jirt) and no charges will be laid due to the fact my 5yo can not fully detail everything that happened,when etc. That is fine with me, it was never about charges, it was about getting my son and even my stepson help. which my son will start counselling in the new year

Secondly my hubby and mil are working with docs to try and get Stepson help, but its prooving very difficult because there doesnt seem to be any programs that deal with this sort of stuff (i.e children with agresssive sexual behaviours)

So thank you to all of those that posted. I am glad I was not the only one mortified by what has happened because whilst the in laws were it seems they were more concerned about blaming someone for this happeneing then looking at the big picture that this kid needs serious help!

Thanks again

So very glad to see that you took action, and supports are moving into place...

If you don't mind me asking, which state are you situated in??? There definitely should be some programs available to your SS, and I can have a look into what we might utilise for clients if I know what area you are in?

[Hokey Pokey]

Oh gosh how awful for you, your son and your husband. Your husband needs to stick by with you and give you some support in this matter!

[jaidynsmylilman]

Im very astonished that they arent going to go further with it police wise cause ur 5 yr old couldnt detail it. you need to sit down with ur 5 yr old and explain that while the 12 yr old didnt get into trouble that doesnt mean he got away with it.

If that was my son who touched another child I would insist that a report against his name or even some form of punishment be administered. Sorry but 12 yrs old he needs to know what he has done is not on and for the police to not go ahead with atleast a statement or a report down on his police file is a failure.

Your 5 yr old needs to recieve some sort of counselling. Get into contact with sex health team (who deal with rape/abuse victems they will provide cheap or free counselling sessions for your son to deal with it). if it doesnt affect him now it will affect him later on in life when he learns alot more about himself and could hinder problems in his sexual life when he gets older.