egg donor

[mummabear86]

i would love to be a egg donor or carry a baby for someone who needed me to the only problem is my dp wont let me i feel i have no say on this subject i am young and i am a good candidate for this i feel i can help those who cant quite have ababy themselves i feel he is being selfish by not allowing me to do this do you think i am selfish for wanting to do this or is he?

[Briswegian]

Its a tough one. How would you feel about your partner donating sperm and his kiddies running round??

I know that at least for egg donation you need to be older and completed your family.

You are a wonderfully generous person and you obviously want to share the joy that you have with others. You've all the time in the world to make this decision so I wouldn't sweat it. Your partner may change his mind with time....it may be a little too close to home with your kids still so wee.

[spiritedfamily]

It is a highly emotive issue and one that needs to be carefully thought out. Neither of your feelings are selfish over the other...they are real. Its not a decision you would want to make without both parties in agreeance...is it worth your relationship? no matter how generous it is.

I've discussed this with hubby before (as I am highly fertile) and concluded that it was far more important to focus on the family we have and spend our energy raising this generation of kids for the future. I also realise as much as I so want to help those that struggle to have children..I'm not sure I could detach myself from any children I bare and would always wonder about the babies I've never met.

[my_lot]

a few years ago i also wanted to do this and dp and i had said three was enough kids ( im now preg with no.4 lol) so i decided to look into it and get info to the discuss it some more.

after this i rang a couple who had placed an add in a local kids paper, this put me throught the agency they had gone through. the couple rang me back. after talking about medical problems, health in last pregs over all health, as well as how the egg donation works, they said theyd get back to me.

the agency rang and said the couple had decided not to go ahead with using my eggs. i asked this agency to leave my details with other couples as i really wanted to do this now no doubts. he said they couldnt as i had family history of downs syndrome.

i was shocked! downs syndrome is not hereditary and youd think this bunch of people would know that.

i was angry because the couple had said that this was their last hope of having a baby. yet they were being picky about it.

i can understand it if id said oh by the way i have a family history of bla bla bla...or i have a child with bla bla bla and its hereditary. but i have as much chance as the next woman of having a child with D/S not more not less.


she could use what she thinks is a "good batch" of eggs and get a downs syndrome baby or any other non hereditary disability for that matter.

at the time i felt so angry at this woman -like it was selfish for her to be so picky in the situation she was in and how offended i was that she rejected my eggs for this reason... i thought her ignorance towards d/s could have lead to a fear of "having to" raise a child with a disabilty if she used my "bad" eggs...

but i reasiled i couldnt judge her on this. its the same as people who have an abortion after a scan showing problems they know they cant handle or the baby will not live at birth- i respect their choice and this is close to my heart as my SIL and brother have been through this when labour was induced for a baby who would not have lived at full term.

mummabear- for me i will never offer again but i think you are a very special peson to want to give life to people who cant....my only suggestion is to ring a few adds or clinics and hear it from the couples waiting. itd be great if you could get in touch with someone whos done it before. i found that very hard.

[Roxy]

You are a lovely soul to be thinking about such a precious gift mummabear.

You aren't too young, as one poster said, but that poster was also correct in saying that you have lots of time on your side to talk with your DP. You can donate until you are about 35, so you have many years.

I dont think that either of you are selfish, you both just need to perhaps do some more research and reading and talking. Take your time - head to the library, borrow some books on the subject (Experiences of donor conception by Caroline Orbach is fantastic) and see where that research and discussions lead in in a few years time.

Good luck hon.

[xkwzit]

I would not be comfortable with my DH donating sperm to couples. I am also not the kind of person who could donate my eggs. I don't disagree with the idea of sperm and egg donation, and I also think that woment who can give this gift are quite amazing ppl. However, it is not something that I can do.

It is a very personal decision, no one is right or wrong. Your DH has a say because your decision today will affect your future children. It will also affect your parents - it is an issue that touches many souls and it is something that I would think you would both want to agree on before you commit. He might feel completely different after you complete your own family.

Cheers

[sarahstarfish]

Hey Mummabear

For everything - clinic ticks, practical and emotional support and the long term implications - you need him on board. Too many partners drop their support of their donor partners at the last minute, leaving heartbroken recipients, happens far too much. Perhaps he is only thinking about you and the impact on your health, both emotionally and physically, and about your children and what this means to them, and about the future. There are certainly a huge number of very good and sound reasons NOT to donate, and is hard to argue against them when presented by someone who loves you.

It's not selfish to WANT to donate, or for him to not want you to - just human. Maybe keep talking to him over the next few months as you learn more and he will see that you are really keen to do this and are doing your homework to find out all that is involved. As much as clinics would love to snap you up, you are still probably a little young for most of them - they would want to make sure you had definitely finished your family.

Hang in there, show him how important it is to you but that you know what the implications for everyone involved are.

Cindy