How often should I be at the hospital?

[3boysNAprincess]

Aurora is still in hospital. She is 10days old today.

She is back at the local hospital now in SCN. But I'm an emotional mess most of the time so i don't know if the way im thinking is right.

I go up 2-3 x per day ATM. Only because they will only let mr try to feed her 2x per day. So I go up for those times. I sometimes go up again at night too. Which is normally when dh and the kids come or visitiors etc.

I feel like the nurses are/would be judging me...?? Cause im not there enough? Cause im not up there all the time..

How much should I be going? She doesn't really wake up and if she does it's just for A few minutes..

But the reason i stopped going so much is because I was sitting up there doing nothing but getting sad cause there is nothing I can do for her ATM. Also because my other 3 kids where really struggling with hardly ever seeing me. Ds3 who is 18months in particular.

So how much should I be at the hospital?

[Nowhere]

there is no hard fast rules as how much you should be there, every one is difernt life styules are differnt, I know mums that have long term bubs in hospital that for for a couple of hours of a morning, Some go al day some visit morning, and night some a few times, some a ful day every few days.

IIf you are going 2 or 3 times a day im sure the nurses are NOT judgeing you

Is ther a estimated date of discharge set ?/

[3boysNAprincess]

No. Oh and just wanted to add the nurses have been nothing but nice to me. But I want to just sit at the hospital all day but the kids are suffering so it's probably my own insecurities.

No etd yet.. I naively thought it would only be a week at this hospital but with her hardly even trying to breastfeed it could be a while I need her to take one full breast feed a day so I can try for two the next day increasing by one full feed a day where the don't supplement her with a top up.

[flicker]

:hugs:oh sweetie please go easy on yourself! I am sure that it is your mummy guilt that has you feeling like everyone is judging you.
it must be so hard to be torn between hospital and kids that need you just as much at home. it must be so hard to juggle everything. you must feel so helpless at the hospital.

dont forget you need to look after yourself too. you cant run yourself into the ground and get yourself sick, as you will be no use to anyone. ask for help, take a break, so sleep and time to get yourself together as it might just give you a boost and things will look a lot brighter.
:hugs:

[sweetseven]

You need to focus on yourself and your daughter and do what is right for yourself without worrying about what the staff think.

When my DD2 was in SCN and I was still in hospital with her, I would go and spend all night with her, then return to my room at dawn to sleep. The shifts would then change and the daystaff would wake me and let me know that they thought I was doing the wrong thing by not being in with her. They didn't see that I spent all night with her and just judged me trying to sleep during the morning.

However, in the longterm, your daughter will be part of your life, and those staff will not. It doesn't matter what they might think in this small window of time.

Sure, it is great for your daughter to have her mother spend time with her, but you also need to focus on yourself. You need to look after yourself so that you are able to look after her.

It wasn't too long ago that I remember reading about a couple of parents dieing in a carcrash on their way home from visiting their newborn in hospital (which they were doing twice daily). Fatigue was suggested as the cause of the accident.

----

Oh, and FYI, when I was visiting the special care nursery I heard the staff talking. And the only time they started to wonder about the parents not visiting was when it had been over a week between visits. So really I dont think they will be judging you harshly.

[3boysNAprincess]

Thanks for that. I remember reading about those parents too. It was heart breaking. I remember thinking how easy it is for that to happen. Cause I had a similar journey with ds3.

I think it is mummy guilt but sometimes I struggle telling me brain to shut up.

[Just Add Water]

:hugs: I'm so glad she's closer to you now. As for your concerns - have a chat to one of the SCN nurses about how you're feeling and they can help organise for you to see a social worker. When DS was born he was in SCN for 8 days - but I refused to leave the hospital without him (looking back nearly 2 years on i still can't believe I did it and got away with it to be honest). But the SCN staff were awesome and helped me see a social worker so I could see outside the box I had painted myself into. I was so full of guilt that he was in there, concvinced if I had pushed differently or done anything differently then he would be home already. It's quite normal to feel that way, but I really suggest you see somone so it doesn't build up.

Your little princess is in good hands, and there is nothing to feel guilty about - your boys miss you as well and they are old enough to know when you're not there.

[gizmoduckus]

Of course they are not judging you. If they know that you have 3 other kids, then they know that you are doing the best you can.

Luckily for me, when DS2 was in the SCN I was still admitted to the hospital so I was able to be with him whenever he was awake but he never was awake for long so I used to try and sleep while he slept. There was no point in running myself into the ground just to sit next to his crib while he slept.

[Mrs Awesome]

:hugs: You need to do what is right for you and your family.

Ok, I'm going to pop my NICU nurse hat :wizard: (closest smiley to one with a hat) on and say that the staff WILL NOT be judging you for how often you visit wether it is 2-3 times a day, once a day or every second day! I can promise that!

Some of our mums come and stay for the whole day, but they don't have other kids at home to look after and their bubs are usually older and have been with us for a long time.

The other issue with visiting is that it is tiring for you, so you need to find a balance between visiting enough to make yourself happy and not tiring yourself out.

How much longer do they think she will be in hospital?? How far from the hospital are you?

Could you try visiting once during the day on your own and then once at night with the rest of your family and visitors? Then maybe every few days, just go in during the day and let your dh go in at night on his own you get get to spend time with the other kids and you can get an early night.

Don't forget you can ring and ask how she is as often as you like!

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[kate009]

Hey,
I was just reading some posts on the forums and came across your post. I called my daughter Aurora too! She was also in the SCN, only for a few days...

I'm sure the nurses wouldn't judge you! And even if they do does it matter? You won't be at the hospital for ever... It must be really hard to juggle family life and spending time at the hospital. Huge hugs

[ALHmum]

I had 2 babies in SCN at different times and the nurses there certainly don't judge you. It was a small unit so i ended up hearing their handover to the next shift alot. They used to just say that "A"'s mum had other kids to look after so will only come up twice a day etc. They certainly understood the pressures we can come under being mums.
As others have said, just mention to them what your situation is and they'll understand.
I think if you werent going up ever then they may make a mention of it to you.
Try and relax - easier said than done in this situation. Just have a chat with them :)

[melly75]

when my now 2 year old was born he was in the special car nursery for a month after he was born, and as i also had older children we couldnt be there all day as they had stricts rule of only 2 visitors at a time, so if my partner and myself were in the kids werent allowed in, so we used to visit when the older kids were at school each day, and like you said yes at that age there isnt much you can do and the hospital does make you tired....not once did i feel the nurses were judging me as i also used to ring in the evenings just to see how my son was....on weekends i would try to get my mum to look after the older kids while i went and visited but it wasnt always possible, im sure teh nurses arent judging you, as one nurse said to me it must be hard having your little one in here and running back and forth with the other children and home life etc.

Do what you feel is best for you, if you can only handle being there a few hours a day or every second day, no one has the right to judge, there was a mum whos baby was in the nursery with my son who didnt see her baby for 10 days as she said the hospital was too stressful and not one person judged her for that
:hugs:

[bgbgbb]

I felt the same as you when my twins were in SCN, torn in so many directions and feeling judged for either not being there enough, or too much, and not being home enough. Just dragged in so many directions. We were a good 40 minutes drive each way to the hospital so I'd go in over 2 or 3 feeds, then come home. It gave my bubs plenty of cuddle and boobie time, then I'd spend the evening with my other kids and enjoy their company without the hindrance of little babies. It was actually a good transition for them all as they got used to the babies being in our lives but weren't bombarded with them all at once.

Enjoy this time with your boys. When your little girl is ready to come home she'll know you as her mummy without a doubt and her first smile will be for you.:D