Teen relationships

[spiritualmama]

My DD12 asked me last night if she could have a boyfriend. She talks to a boy on FB and he seems keen and obviously she is too.
She is in grade 6 and he is in year 7.
I have access to her FB account and I read a PM saying "meet me at the shops at 3.30" (from him) so while dishing up dinner last
night I said to her " I might go up to the shops after school tomorrow". Said said go me "WHAT? He asked me"' to which I
responded " well you wouldn't have asked me, you would have asked to walk home
with Jacinta and then met him"....I got the
silent treatment.
I cooled off for a bit and then asked her what they would be doing at the shops to which I got "just talking" so I made her a deal, she could meet this boy to TALK on my front porch and told her if he respected her and did just wanna talk then he would come to the house.
So anyway she sent him a FB message saying come to my house instead and he said "nah, meet me at the skate park" .
Now I'm the bad guy and she doesn't see him as a jerk, I don't mind being the bad guy if it means I show her that a boy needs to respect her.
By the way, she ain't having no boyfriend til she is 16. I don't mind them being friends but this boy obviously wants one thing.
Did I handle this right? What would you guys do?

[spiritualmama]

Typo...that should be she said to me

[faroutbrusselsprout]

eeekkkk.
I'd have done exactly what you did.
I have a SS in year 7 so we are really onto to his contact with girls and HOW he treats them.

[SalTheGal]

I think you definitely did the right thing!! Go Mum, well handled!!!

I had a boyfriend when I was in gr6 (so was he)... and my family knew about it, and so did his.

So my Mum and his Mum got to know each other (small town so they knew of each other anyway)... and we could see each other at our houses... and our families would get together from time to time for a bbq etc... then we saw each other at school.

The only other place we were allowed to be was at the swimming pool... but that was unavoidable really as half the towns children lived there over summer.

But I always though it was pretty fair of my mum to do that.... I definitely think you've done the right thing. :)

[spiritualmama]

Thanks Sal...Hey farout, can you fill me in on what young boys think about and want from a girl, because I have 2 DD's I can just go by what I experienced when I was 12-13.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Thanks Sal...Hey farout, can you fill me in on what young boys think about and want from a girl, because I have 2 DD's I can just go by what I experienced when I was 12-13.

Well I think we are pretty lucky that SS is fairly respectful of girls. He's also a very young 13.
He is interested in girls but it's still all pretty innocent so far....
However we were concerned with his last girlfriend who was asking him or not whether he's have s-ex with her (hypothetically of course :rolleyes:)
We were pleased to read that he wrote back..."what? no way i'm only 13"
:yelclap:
She was a very mature young lady who was a year older, thank god it ended!
Our best friends have a 14 year old who is extremely mature (looks and personality) and I have no doubt that he has or will be engaging in s-exual activity pretty soon.
I'd be VERY wary of 13 year old boys, some of them have a really distorted view of women and sex thanks to the lovely world of media and parents who expose them to too much too soon JMHO.
I'd be doing exactly what you're doing and keeping a pretty tight leash on "relationships" outside of school for a while yet.

[Guest1234]

I 'went out' with my younger brothers older friend over the summer holidays between year 7 and year 8. We would have sleep overs and our parents were pretty close, we only lived down the road.
It was all extremely innocent, and we played playstation mostly or went to the playground. We were always supervised by an adult.

I think what you did was the right thing, she may not be too thrilled right now, but she will thank you for it one day.

[Bellini]

I had a 'boyfriend' at that age. TBH, we were basically close friends who kissed on occasion. We mostly spent time at each others houses, but we were also allowed to go to the movies together (we always took friends though). As we got older, we started to experiment a bit more, but never anything serious. It was mostly all very innocent. On the other hand, my DH was practically having sex at that age :rolleyes:

I think you did the right thing, if you aren't getting a good vibe from him. I actually think kids these days are waaaay different to when I was younger - as in, they are exposed to more sexually, and they seem to be growing up way too quick. I have a step-brother the same age, and he types things on FB that would never have crossed my mind at that age.

[SassyMummy]

I wouldn't expect a 12/13-year-old boy to want to meet with the parents of a girl he likes... how daunting and scary for a young boy! I wouldn't assume he's automatically disrepsectful or a jerk just because he's not keen on the idea.

I suppose it could have been better handled if this was all dealt with calmly rather than with you going off at her about the shopping centre ordeal (not entirely sure what happened, but I did gather that you got angry about it?). Then, when you invited him over to talk on the porch, you wouldn't have seemed like such a bad guy to her. (She could still be angry, but perhaps not as much?).

Whilst I won't be keen on the idea, I will never ban DD from having a boyfriend. I figure that if she's going to mess around with boys, she's going to whether I tell her she can or not. She'll just find other places to do it, and tell me even more lies. I'd rather she feel safe about telling me she has a boyfriend... that way I can invite him over for dinner, on family events, etc and get to know him better, to know what kind of boy is hanging around my daughter.

It also means that hopefully, she can come to me with any issues that might arise without fear of me raging at her having a boyfriend in the first place. If he pressures her to do something she doesn't want to do, if she DOES do something stupid and is worried about pregnancy/diseases/etc, if he hits her or something... I dunno, I'd just rather know as much as I can, and I figure the best way is to allow her to have a boyfriend, and get to know both him and their relationship better.

Of course, I'll have rules. There will be no sex under my roof. If they want to have sex, they'll have to work hard for it... I'm not just going to allow it. That said, I'll also be providing her with condoms. If she's going to have sex, I want her to be protected. These will remain in her bedroom in one of her drawers... they won't be monitored.

There will be no sleepovers... can spend hours at our house watching movies at night, but he will return home at the end of it all.

Doors will always remain open if the two of them are in the same one.

We will want to meet him before we agree to any outings. If the relationship gets a little more serious, I will want to meet his parents.

There will be no dates if schoolwork suffers.

Her mobile (if she has one) will have its battery removed at night so that she cannot text or talk all night on the phone. Also no naughty photos can be sent then. That way, she can keep the phone so I can't view her "private" stuff, but she won't be able to use it until a reasonable hour.

Etc etc etc.

I plan on being open with her, but I understand she won't want to share everything with me... so I'm just planning to accept that she'll be interested in and want to get close to boys... I'll just set some rules (not especially strict IMO) and get to know the boy and hopefully that'll help if he turns out to be not-so-good for her.

(FWIW, I WOULD ban a boyfriend who was much older than my daughter... it's not like I would let a 19-year-old see my 12-year-old DD... but I do think kids of a similar age aren't like that).

[Bellini]

Sassy does make an important point by the way, my experience was from when I was 12 and my parents were quite happy for me to spend time with my boyfriend. But when my parents divorced my mum became very strict and I rebelled in true teen fashion. I started to sneak out, I lied to Mum about where I was, and I had sex at 14. I think it would have been different if she wasn't as strict. When she started to ease up again, I started to tell her everything again. I think it's important that children can go to their parents, but there should still be boundaries. Good luck.

[spiritualmama]

Firstly I didn't say I wanted him to meet me, I just wanted them on my porch where I knew where they were and secondly I didn't go off at my daughter.

My DD always comes to me hence the reason she asked me about having a boyfriend, if we weren't close I figure she wouldn't have asked.

I guess we find out what to do when our kids are 12-13.

[Janesmum123]

Wow you guys could have boyfriends at 12...my mum would have killed me.

Anyway OP I think you handled it well.

[Lemmings]

Im kinda along the same lines of no 13 year old boy wants to go to the parents house of a girl he likes... it'd be embarrassing for both him and her tbh. I wouldnt judge him on it.

I dunno what they could get up to thats bad at either the supermarket or skate park. But thats your decision to make as her mother.

I just wouldnt be too hard on the lad or make any harsh judgements he is young and going to your house would be rather daunting