I'm not coping... Is this normal?

[3boysNAprincess]

Hi all. Returning member..

I had my daughter Aurora on Monday at 34 weeks. She was born pretty healthy screaming and only needed to be warmed. As some of you may know already she very quickly went down hill. Within 12 hours and ended up on cpap then from there went onto a ventilator and needed to be transfered to a larger hospital.
The Drs where very concerned if she would make it.

Now she is off her ventilator and on the mend. Her central line came out and I got to hold her yesterday. She is still on antibiotics and in a humidicrib she needs to know learn to breastfeed I tried today but she had no idea.

Anyway I got discharged from the hospital today. I have been crying since I left. I had to go to a family dinner tonight cause my SIL is Moving overseas. And I cried most of that. Now iv been crying since I got home.

She got a really bad blood infection which caused her crash. She got it from me. So therefore it's my fault she is in NICU. ;-( I know everyone is going to jump up and down and say it's not but that's what people are supposed to say.

I had ds3 8 weeks early he just wasn't as sick as his sister. But still iv now put 2 of my kids lives in danger. Aurora particularly. I feel so unbelievably guilty and like the worst mother in the world. It's bad enough I couldn't protect her in my belly but now she is sitting in a hospital 45 mins to 1 hour away from me on her own. I wanted to be a great mum to her she is my first daughter. But now i feel like giving up because I have failed her at the first hurdle. But then I realize I'd be failing her even more if I wasn't here.

I just can't Cope with these feelings. And to top it off I'm finding expressing difficult. Only since I got home though. The first time I only got like 20 mow normally I get 100 this last time though I got alot more..

Is the way I'm feeling normal cause my body, heart, head everything is just not coping at all...

And my husband is telling me how stupid and unreasonable I'm being for saying what I'm saying so i don't want to ask any real life friends for fear they judge me too.

[3boysNAprincess]

I guess not. :-(

[ElizaDoLittle]

Oh hunni. I have no idea what's "normal" because I have never been in your situation. I DO however know that normal whatever it is, is overrated!

You. Are. An AMAZING MUMMA! I lurked
Around reading your threads about your pregnancy and you have done so very very well.

What you are feeling is real, however untrue (the your fault bit). She will be home so soon I hope.

:hugs:

[Mrs Dolphin]

I think it is absolutely normal to feel that way when you have been through what you have been through. :hugs:

It would be incredibly hard to leave your precious little girl and go home. Allow yourself to be a little sad but please don't dwell on the negatives - you need to solely focus on the positives as your little DD needs you so much right now. Keep strong and I hope little Aurora improves and is home really soon.

Take care of yourself too!

You so need some more :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[BabelFish]

I'm not going to tell you what you DON'T want to hear - that it's not your fault.

My mother feels the same way about `passing' bipolar disorder onto me. Her mother had it, so therefore she feels as though she is responsible for me having it.

It is hereditary, yes, but that doesn't mean I might not have ended up with it anyway. And how I deal with it is what matters, and how she deals with it, too. Not the fact that I have it, if that makes sense.

I think it would be far more helpful to you to acknowledge the truth in what you are saying, and help you work through that, rather than deny it completely (which is what people do when they try to make you feel better).

I'd like to present it to you in a different light though.

Yes, you passed a blood infection to your child. And that is causing some problems. However, intent matters - and you had no INTENTION of doing so. It is actually not your `fault' that you had this to pass on to your two youngest children. There is nothing that anyone in any situation could have done to prevent it so in that sense, of course it's not your fault.

That, however, doesn't help negate the responsibility you feel for your children - because you are a mother and it is completely natural for you to feel this way.

Which brings me to my other point. You ARE their mother. So that means that you have passed on many, many things to your children. Think about the things you love about them, the way they smile, the colour of their eyes, their hair. The shape of their hands and feet. The way their belly buttons look. The length of their eyelashes. The way they speak. The sound of their laugh. At least some of these things have come from YOU.

We `make' our children with what we have in us. Good, and yes, bad. But who they become is a whole different story - and so much more than the sum of their parts.

We all have things that we have to struggle with in our lives. It's not FAIR that your babies have inherited a blood disorder that made their lives so difficult early on. But they are NOT dying, they will be ok, and they will thrive. And the things you love about them will last and last. This infection will be treated and then it will be gone.

You know why? Because of YOU. Because you love them, you cherish them, you will have their whole lives to raise them and to watch them and to wonder at them.

I'm so dreadfully sorry that you are so far away from your little girl with her beautiful name. But when you have her back in your arms and you see the things in her that came from YOU, possibly many of the same things you see in your other children, you will know that you have given her so much that is wonderful, and you will cope again.

:hugs: :hugs:

[deany]

darl first of all congratulations on the birth of your daughter and sorry that its been so traumatic for you. on monday i personally think you should call your G.p for an appointment and tell them your not coping and explain this (what you just wrote! as for expressing can you have a relaxing bath with lavender scented bubbles/bath bombs if possible think about your beautiful girl and try and relax make sure you keep up your fluids by drinking lots of water and get as much rest as possible if it continues to lessen then make another appointment or on monday tell them that you need to increase your milk supply as its drying up and they may give you a tablet to increase it! Best of luck

[decambla]

Oh Hun, you've really been through alot. It must be so hard for you to leave Aurora at the hospital. I would say you are having a hard time expressing because of your stress levels. They might let you express while you are at the hospital with her, sometimes is easier if you can see bubs. I really don't think your real life friends will judge you. Your dh might be having a hard time dealing with the situation and be taking it out on the person he feel closest to. It is not your fault what is happening. You are a great mum and you haven't failed her in any way. Has the hospital offered any sort of councilling? Maybe a talk to your doctor might be a good idea too. Don't forget we are all here to listen aswell if you just need to get it off your chest. GBH

[3boysNAprincess]

Thanks ladies..

And thanks for being honest with me babel.

I can't wait to go back to her tomorrow. Then the opposite guilt kicks in... From not being there for my other kids.

[shockinamillion]

OMG you are totally normal!!!

Just ask DF, I was a blubbering mess 99% of the time i was home from the hospy! I slept on sofas and in quiet rooms (the poor nurse who let me totally copped it for letting me) and waiting room chairs to be at the hospital all the time. I had no other kids to worry about so this is just what I did.

I was always crying and when I was away from my babies I did not express as much.

She is a little fighter and will be home before you know it. Take a little time to take care of you. If you don't your milk supply WILL suffer and you will find it so much harder to function!

[BabelFish]

Kids are resilient honey. They truly are. They won't remember any of this and I know that doesn't help you now but as time passes you'll see it for the truth.

As long as for the most part they are loved, secure, safe and happy - THAT is what they will remember and what will shape their futures.

And I have no doubt at all that they are very loved and secure children.

:hugs:

[3boysNAprincess]

Dh isn't really taking it out on me per se' he just doesn't know what to do. Because she "isn't sick anymore" so why am I upset.

He is trying but I guess doesn't understand my brain right now.. Although how can he when I don't.

We live with my parents so the kids are getting loads of attention as much if not more than when inwas pregnant because of the bed rest..

Mmm.. I dunno...

[3boysNAprincess]

I actually didn't think I would find leaving this hard

[Nowhere]

Hey sorry I would of repplyed earlier I only just seen this.

HUGS, yes its totaly normal to feel that way babe, what you are going through is horrible and frankly bloody scary, its normal to cry and be upset and get angry all the emotions you are feeling.

I also know what you mean about blamming your self, as I have been there too, But in all honest babe and Im not saying this cause its what I feel like I should say its the truth, It is NOT your fault you didnt purposely make your baby sick, She contracrted an infection that intern made her septic, You didnt do it to her the bug that made her septic did, NOT the way she got it, I know none of this wil make you beleive it but its thr truth, If you had of read of this same story hapening to someone else you wouldnt think it was the mums fault would you, You would be offering hugs and telling the mum its not her fault, So why be harder on your self then you would other.

I spent years worrying that my DD was sick because I had passed stuff down to her I didnt know I was carrying, blamed my self for consenting to a surgery that went wrong, etc etc looking back I know I had no choice i know that I couldnt of prevented what happened. At the time like you I blamed my self.

Thats great progress with your little one getting her line out and of the vent, absolutely fantastic, she is obviously a stong little fighter. Sepsis is the scariest thing to see your child go through I have seen DD that way a few times now and its scares the sh*t out of me every time.

If you ever want to chat feel free to pm me any time
xxxx

[Nowhere]

Dh isn't really taking it out on me per se' he just doesn't know what to do. Because she "isn't sick anymore" so why am I upset.

He is trying but I guess doesn't understand my brain right now.. Although how can he when I don't.

We live with my parents so the kids are getting loads of attention as much if not more than when inwas pregnant because of the bed rest..

Mmm.. I dunno...

The being upset once she is getting better again TOTALY normal you have run of adreniline and fear for the last week or so, you probably havent had the chance to or head space to cry properly, so it all comes out once they are stable. I find with DD 2 days before any of her operations im a mess, im fine when its happening and recoery then once she is stable I have a good cry.

[3boysNAprincess]

Thanks for that. I needed it. My water works started again when I was expressing. I'm back to seeing Her soon. Can't wait. It's tough start but hopefully it's all over.

And yeah sepsis is the pits. The scariest thing was most of the early blood cultures kept coming back negative so we had no idea how bad it was.. Fingers crossed mister of us have to go through it again

[Myztiks#1Fan]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Amara]

Its a bit of a shock to the system when you have to leave your bub behind. Like I said yesterday I only had to do it for a few hours while I went to get bottles and formula and went good and sterilised them etc. I was a mess even though I knew he was coming home with me at 6pm.

My son also had sepsis. I never once blamed myself for it. It was just bad luck. Its so hard seeing your bub so sick.

My son's feeding issues continued on at home and so did my supply issues and at 5 weeks I gave up bfing. Ihe has thrived. My brain was back to normal within 24 hours of stopping the pumping. I am telling you this ahead of time in case you find yourself in this position that you are not alone. It is very common for sick bubs to have feeding issues so don't blame yourself for that.
When do they think she will come home?

[3boysNAprincess]

No idea we are hoping she can be transferee closer on mon or tues though

[becca022]

Even though my situation with ds was different, I understand what you're going through & it's completely normal :hugs:.

When we found out ds has got Spina Bifida I blamed myself. When he was born & in hospital I cried all the time, especially the two times he went in for surgery. Him being transfered to a different hospital was scary for me & I cried & cried & cried.
It's all normal.

When you're expressing look at a photo of her... it seems silly, but really works. I got heaps more milk this way.

[OurLittleBlessing]

I contracted septecemia and bacterial meningitis from my Mother during my birth. I was very very sick and they told my parents to prepare for the worst. However, I made a full recovery and I'm totally normal (well probably depends who you ask... haha)

I have NEVER ONCE blamed my Mum. Hasn't even occured to me to do so to be honest! How could I? Obviously if she had have known she would have done everything she could have to have prevented it.

However, as a mother with a child who has a congenital condition, I can also relate to how you are feeling, and I have been in that dark place of guilt. It is absolutely awful.

:hugs::hugs:

Please keep talking it through with your loved ones, and on here. Mother's guilt is a tough one.

[Nowhere]

Thanks for that. I needed it. My water works started again when I was expressing. I'm back to seeing Her soon. Can't wait. It's tough start but hopefully it's all over.

And yeah sepsis is the pits. The scariest thing was most of the early blood cultures kept coming back negative so we had no idea how bad it was.. Fingers crossed mister of us have to go through it again

The fact that you are expressing while going through all of this is FANTASTIC, well done to you, I hope you manage to get lot of cuddles when you go to see her this morning xxx

[OurLittleBlessing]

The fact that you are expressing while going through all of this is FANTASTIC, well done to you, I hope you manage to get lot of cuddles when you go to see her this morning xxx

Totally agree! You should be so proud of yourself!! :yes:

[3boysNAprincess]

Thanks for understanding and making me feel some what normal.

I am holding her right now! And she just breastfed for 5 mins

[Nowhere]

Thanks for understanding and making me feel some what normal.

I am holding her right now! And she just breastfed for 5 mins

ohhh awesome how exciting, Isnt it just the best feeling when you can actualy pick them up and have cuddles, :)

I hope you guys get your transfer back to a local SCN really soon

[fireflies4]

I don't know what to say but wanted to give you some hugs.

[jaskatiaja]

Oh sweetheart :hugs:
I can completely understand what you are going through. I have only recently brought DD2 home after she spent the first 5 weeks of her life in hospital. She was 10 weeks premmie.
She had CPAP for a few hours after she was born, prolonged jaundice and we had a little scare too that resulted in a spinal tap. They thought she may have had bacterial meningitis. Thankfully the cultures came back negative but i felt like the worst mother in the world.
The reason i felt so bad is because my DD1 (who was 6 weeks premmie) contracted bacterial meningitis at 2 weeks old and almost died (the doc literally told us that she had about 30% chance of surviving one night!). I assumed that, if DD2 had meningitis too, it must be something I had done to cause it to both my beautiful girls! The guilt i felt was suffocating :crying:
With DD1 we spent a couple of months in hospital going through reactions to medications, fits, blood transfusions, collapsed veins resulting in a main line e.t.c., HOWEVER, DD1 was our only child at the time, so it was easy to be there for her...
With DD2's hospital stay, i had 2 other children to worry about too and it was SO hard. If i was with DD2, i felt guilty that i wasnt with my other 2 and visa versa. My poor DS (who is 2) started behaving badly for DH because he missed me so much and DD1 became a bit withdrawn and moody (they are back to their cheerful loud selves now though ;)). I had to let go a bit of the instinct to sit with DD2 all day, every day and spend more time with my other 2, it was extremely difficult but the majority of time spent with DD2 was me sitting there, next to her humidicrib while she was asleep, so she prob didn't even know i was there! Thankfully, i have a GREAT relationship with all of the NICU nurses (yes, they all remembered me from DD1's stay :yes:) and this made it ALOT easier to leave DD2, knowing she was in excellent hands (and they didnt mind the 500 phone calls a day when i was away from her:laughing:). I also only live about 25 minutes away from the hospital, so it was easy to go see DD2 everyday after discharge.
So, i understand your emotions there, having your heart in 2 places at once :hugs:.
Is there any way you and your LO's could stay anywhere near the hospital? do they have parents accomodation available?
Most hospitals have social workers who not only help with accomodation and financial needs, but also with counselling. They are a wonderful service and are usually very experienced with helping mothers of premmies. Just ask your NICU nurses and they should be able to set something up for you.
Regarding the expressing, I also had alot of trouble and almost dried up! I was only getting about 30mls each express (as in 15ml per breast!) for ages and that was adding up to way less than DD2 was being fed per day, so they had to supplement with formula, which also made me feel extremely guilty. I needed medication with DD1 and so after a week of only getting 30mls per express, i demanded they give me motilium (domperidone), even though they were reluctant to prescribe it that early. 2 days later and i was engorged and expressing alot more, although, still not as much as DD2 was drinking... it wasn't until we were on all suck feeds that my milk really came in. I do really recommend motilium though, wonderful stuff and allowed me to continue to feed both my DD's :D.
I don't know how you can help your DH to understand how you feel, maybe show him your post? My DH certainly acted differently than i did with our DD's, he was grumpy all the time and snapped at little things but was still there for a hug when i (or he) needed it, it was just his way of coping. Maybe your DH is putting up a defensive front, like a shell, to protect his own feelings? I am not sure what he is like but if you can get in to see the social worker, maybe he could have a chat to them too? anyway :hugs:.
Sorry i have rambled on ad nauseum here. my point is, i do understand and it DOES get better. You will have your little darling home before you know it and she will be fine. You will have a great story to tell her when she is older (my DD1 loves hearing about her baby story :p) and she will know how much you love her and how precious she is.
Good luck sweetie and feel free to PM me at any time :)

[3boysNAprincess]

Thanks so much and hugs for you too for everything you has been through.

They thought my dd had meningitis too and it broke me when they said she needed the lumber puncture. Thankfully it came back negative.

Aurora didn't make a sound while I was holding her. But when they took her back she started screaming.

My ds3 who is 18 months has started actin up a little bit too. Cause h doesn't even understand that I have had a baby.. He was so confused this morning when I was expressing... Poor thing. Cute though.


I feel pretty ok right now but will probably be emo again when I leave this afternoon. Oh well timers crossed I'm not

[3boysNAprincess]

Ahhh things are tough. When things are going good at the hospital you come home and feel guilty for not being back but then you feel not guilty for not being at home.

My ds3 is 18 months 16 corrected Just. He is a really good boy. He follows instructions, goes to sleep as soon as I put him in bed for a nap or a sleep but the last fee days my dh and mum have been saying he has been playing up. When I have been with him he just screams. Then tonight he went to bed at normal time of 830 cried his eyes out. I went in to talk to him he was trying to talk to me. He seemed confused and scared.

I bought him in our room and no matter what dh and I did or didn't do hr just cried. We tried cuddling him comforting him nothing worked then I had to pretty much restrain him to get him to go to sleep. He only just went to sleep.

He doesn't realize I have had a baby. Because he never really realized I was pregnant. He seen me expressing this morning and was so confused and it made him frustrated. I'm concerned for him.

Now im not sure what will happen when aurora comes home. He won't resent her straight up because he doesn't realize that is why I haven't been home. But if his behavior is changing now (and it could go back) I'm kind of scared what's going to happen when she comes home.

What should I do. Is there Anything i can do.??

I'm trying to play this balancing act but I'm kind of sucking at it.

[Nowhere]

hugs you poor thing, I have never had to do the juggling act between home and hospital as i only have the one it must be so hard.

Perhaps he knows that you guys have been stressed and upset, Perhaps when you guys get to take the new baby home you all go in together your DS as well so he is part of the bringing her home, then he wont see the mum went away from me and got a new one, He will more likely see it as going out with mummy and getting a sister to bring home

xxxxx

[trishalishous]

:hugs:

[3boysNAprincess]

Aha that is an awesome idea thanks

[3boysNAprincess]

She is back At our Local hospital tonight!! YAY!

Should be a little easier to handle now.

[Nowhere]

She is back At our Local hospital tonight!! YAY!

Should be a little easier to handle now.

That is awesome, great news, hopefuly she will get her home realy soon