To my little man

[PA80]

:angel: My sweet baby boy, my heart aches so painfully for you today, as most days.
Six months ago today they told me you had gone, I couldn't understand it then, and I still can't now. I don't know why they didn't take more notice of my concerns, so that you could have been here with me now. I'm sorry my little man. I miss you so much, I'd give it all to have you back. But you are in a better place now my sweet, a place that doesn't know this pain, or the cruelty & unfairness of this life.

Tomorrow I will rememeber you every second, as your daddy & I attempt to function on what should have been a day of celebrating you reaching 6 months of age.
I will remember the moments we shared before you went, I will remember our first cuddle, I will remember our last. I will remember the precious moments we stared at our perfect little son, I will remember giving birth to you, and will be sorry I couldn't give you life.

I feel like my heart has been gouged out and is only hanging by a thread. People around me don't understand how desperately I love & miss you. Although others may put you in the past, my sweet, you will always be at the forefront of my mind, and in my broken heart.

Nothing makes this better, nothing will ever change the hole losing you has left in our hearts, our life.
Someone said something so insensative to your daddy on the weekend, about selling your firstborn....needless to say that guy nearly got punched, as your daddy would also give anything to have his little man back. We love you more than words can describe.

Sending you a big hug & kiss my sweet,
:kiss::hugs::angel:
Your mummy xoxo

[Min1111]

Beautiful.

Kisses for sweet baby Austin.

[PA80]

:angel: My sweet little man,
At 4.20 this afternoon, I will think back to 6 months ago, when you were born from my body, but not into this world.
Never have I felt such immense pride, and devestating sadness all at once.

Your little body was so perfect. You are such a cute mix of both me and your loving daddy. Your little hands were long and skinny like mine, but then you had your daddy's thumbs. The soles of your feet and your toes were just like his too. Studying your face I saw my own jawline in yours.
I hate that when I looked at you, you couldn't open your eyes and look back at me. It broke my heart that there was no breath that you would breathe, no cry that you could make. My cries will have to make up for yours my sweet.

I told you every day, while you grew inside me, that I love you. I chatted to you and sang you silly little songs. We played through my skin, as you kicked my finger, and wriggled around as I rubbed you.

Your daddy & I were so very excited that you were in our lives. We made for you a peaceful little haven in our home, we were ready for your pending arrival, and overjoyed with anticipation.
Now we are left just the two of us again....and we feel lonlier than ever. A piece of each of us certainly went with you, my darling boy.

Bringing you into this world was a very planned decision, we were so ready to be your mummy & daddy. We asked the doctors to check all sorts of things before we even tried to create you, as we wanted everything to be perfect for you. We didn't want you to struggle to live as I did. We wanted the very best for you, and we wanted you here safely.

Your daddy & I will never understand why your life slipped away, why the doctors didn't take any notice. The only conclusion I can come to is that they are human too, and they can make mistakes in their jobs, as I do, but the consequences of that unfortunately let you down, and changed our life forever. I am not angry, but I am heartbroken.

We dreamt of the days ahead with you in our life, we dreamt of being your parents, and loving you with all our hearts. We dreamt of all the fun we'd have, showing you this big world, and watching you smile as you explored.
I was so ready to be your mummy, to commit myself to caring for you. I wanted it more than anything, and was so excited. I couldn't wait to show you off, play with you, watch you sleep, see you nuzzled at my breast.
I miss you my boy. My body aches to hold you again.

Know this my perfect little man, in the months that you were living inside me, you changed us. Loving you has shown us a whole new level of love.
Losing you has taught us what really matters, and to never take anything for granted, to make the most of every moment, as we can never predict what lies ahead.

My sweet boy, my precious son, I am so proud to be your mummy.

I have to go now and face the world, pretend I'm doing fine, as I wear a little bit of you around my neck, and your handprint on my hip. But you know this is not ok, it never will be. I will forever miss you, as my heart bursts with love for you.

Look down on me today, little man, throw me some strength down from above.....until we are reunited and I hold you again

All my love,
Your Mummy
:angel::kiss::hugs::angel:

[2girls&1angelboy]

:hugs:for mummy & daddy:hugs:
Sleep peacefully little man you are absolutely a gorgeous boy xxx

[greengables]

struggling to hold tears back as I read this.

I so feel your pain as I hear my own love for my little son echoed in your posts.

My own heart would be ripped out had I had to go through what you've been through.

You are truly brave, courageous and I am in awe of your strength.
xoxoxoxox

[PA80]

Hey there my perfect little man,
I know you were looking down on me today, you & the pride I have of you, gave me strength to get through today.
I was even able to put on my fake personna of coping without you here, while I was at work. I hate that I have to do that, I feel it doesn't do you, or my love for you justice.

I looked at heaps of pictures of you last night, and I just wanted to kiss & hold you again. I hope I never ever forget that feeling of you in my arms. You know I hold that little teddy tight each & every night, and wish with all my heart it was you, not just the memory of you. Your daddy holds tight onto the blanket you layed on, that day we got to be your parents.

We miss you sweet boy, our sweet boy.
Memories will never be enough, no amount of staring at pictures is anything like actually seeing you. In my memory, I put myself back in that hospital room, our haven from the real world. Where we could be mum & dad, if only for a day. Where we snuggled with you, bathed you, and dressed you in clothes far too big.
But I try not to think of when I had to hand you over, when goodbye's were said, where I had to be dragged away as I collapsed in realisation of leaving you. I feel ill at the thought my sweet precious son.

My boy, you know I will love you more than words can explain, forever. And I will always be your mummy, and you forever my son, my firstborn, my perfect boy. I will always acknowledge you, and forever be proud and feel so priveledged that you are a part of me, & of my life.

I love you Austin xoxoxoxox
Your Mummy:cloud9:

[Boobycino]

:crying: :hugs:

[PA80]

Goodnight my sweet little buddy,
I wish we could have you snuggled up with us, like we did the night of your birth. I wish I could kiss your soft skin, and rub my hand across your smooth hair. I wish I could hold you to my chest and feel your heart beating, feel your breathe upon my skin.

Happy 6mths my love.

May you sleep peacefully until you are in my arms again,
xoxoxox I love you,
Your Mummy

[FunKy~Mummy]

Big :hugs: :hugs: to you. I am so proud of you my sweet!!! and so honoured you have let us read your letters to your little boy. I find writing things down so therapeutic!! i find solace in my poetry :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[brogeybear]

PA my wonder woman, I dont know how you do it! :hugs: :kiss: :hugs:
I am a blubbering mess after reading your beautiful words to your ever so precious boy :crying:

No mummy should ever have to go through that pain, EVER :no: :crying:

To your sweet little baby boy Austin, :kiss:

[monnie24]

this has brought tears to my eyes.

you are an amazing mother to your son even though he's not here, your giving him a brother or a sister in the near future. your a beautiful strong, gorgeous woman.

sweet hugs and kisses to baby austin mwah xx:hugs:

[angelbubswithwings]

Sending lots of hugs your way Paula. You have such amazing strength. The tears have flowed reading your post and knowing how supportive of us when your own pain is bad to bear.

I personally couldn't have got through the last bit of time without your understanding and support.

xxxx


Hey there my perfect little man,
I know you were looking down on me today, you & the pride I have of you, gave me strength to get through today.
I was even able to put on my fake personna of coping without you here, while I was at work. I hate that I have to do that, I feel it doesn't do you, or my love for you justice.

I looked at heaps of pictures of you last night, and I just wanted to kiss & hold you again. I hope I never ever forget that feeling of you in my arms. You know I hold that little teddy tight each & every night, and wish with all my heart it was you, not just the memory of you. Your daddy holds tight onto the blanket you layed on, that day we got to be your parents.

We miss you sweet boy, our sweet boy.
Memories will never be enough, no amount of staring at pictures is anything like actually seeing you. In my memory, I put myself back in that hospital room, our haven from the real world. Where we could be mum & dad, if only for a day. Where we snuggled with you, bathed you, and dressed you in clothes far too big.
But I try not to think of when I had to hand you over, when goodbye's were said, where I had to be dragged away as I collapsed in realisation of leaving you. I feel ill at the thought my sweet precious son.

My boy, you know I will love you more than words can explain, forever. And I will always be your mummy, and you forever my son, my firstborn, my perfect boy. I will always acknowledge you, and forever be proud and feel so priveledged that you are a part of me, & of my life.

I love you Austin xoxoxoxox
Your Mummy:cloud9: