View Full Version : Why do I feel like I have failed using a dummy :(
Like the previous thread posted by taiyasmum I have big trouble getting DD to settle by herself - however ours is a 24 hour problem! I have tried letting Emily cry for short periods but to hear her still crying (albeit with pauses) for 30 mins plus is just too much for her - she is 11 weeks.
Long story short I have resorted to a dummy this week - its like magic. She settles within seconds on getting it - I usually try to let her self settle for a good 20 mins. I really don't want to use it as anything other than a sleep aid as she is a happy contended baby when fed and not tired, but I still feel like a failure - there is so much negative talk of their uses.
The only way I can justify its use (yes, I feel I have to justify it!) is that by 6 months the sucking reflex will have virtually disappeared apparently and then I can look at other settling techniques for Emily, but I can't help but fear that I have just pushed the problem back to a later day.
Sorry for rambling but am just so confused as to whether I am doing the "right" thing or just setting myself up for further problems down the line.
p.s. thanks to all those with advice on breast refusal - I think we have solved the problem for now......:)
I was horrified when a midwife gave my 2 day old bub a dummy as he would not stop crying or settle during the night. I was anti dummies until I got him home and he would only settle with it. I ended up using it as I could not bear hearing his crying. He was not hungry he just wanted to suck.
He is now 6 months old and by himself has stopped totally relying on it for getting to sleep. Sometimes he still wants it and other times he just goes to sleep. We make a concious effort that upon waking it goes and he is fine with that.
I reckon in another few months he may want it even less. It kinda coincided with intro of solids and wonder if his not wanting has something to do with that?
I would not punish yourself with feeling guilty. I never knew how full on, demanding and challenging this mother thing would be. Any aid that makes it a more enjoyable one for both of us is okay in my opinion!
There's another thread somewhere on ways other mums got rid of dummies with older kids, so even if bub still uses it at an older age, there is methods to rid your bub of the dummy.
In my mum's group there are about 13 of us and bubs are all coming up to 4/5/6/ months old. We have all noticed that everyone has some kind of 'vice' for getting their baby to settle - dummies, wrapping, rocking, patting, feeding, etc, etc. Babies are just that - babies, so why not give them the comfort they need to get to sleep. I think generally they will grow out of whatever method you use eventually. i am yet to see an adult who sucks a dummy or needs to be swaddled to get to sleep!! but also don't forget many adults like to read themselves to sleep, or have a warm drink, or cuddle their partener, or sleep with a favourite pillow, etc.
i think go with whatever works now and stop doubting yourself (is that possible for us mums??). if you are happy and bub is happy, what more can you ask for?
just my 2 cents worth!! good luck :D
I remember when ds was about 5 weeks old and he had been screaming all day. I was exhausted and so was hubby. I was anti dummies, but had received a few at the baby show and had stuck them in the back of the cupboard.
In desperation I took one out. We both looked at it sitting on the table and thought should we or shouldn't we? So we reluctantly gave it a try and straight away he calmed down. (Big sigh of relief from us)
He has only ever used it at night, and he has been happy with that. I put one in my handbag too in case of a real emergency but have only used it a couple of times.
Don't stress too much, I think your sanity deserves a bit of peace and quiet - I know that mine did!
Please don't feel bad!
I sucked my thumb until I was 10 or so, and I'm fine - I have a bit of an overbight, but I've never had a problem - in fact look at most female models, and many of them have very prominent teeth!
I gave my baby a dummy when she couldn't find her thumb and she was able to sleep so much better - you need to do what works - don't feel guilty about that.
My bub gave up the dummy at 3 months when we got a new one (they recommend using them for no more than 3 months at a time). She didn't like the new one and by then was able to find her thumb.
At 6mths, she rarely sucks her thumb.
The moral of my tale is that bub can wean themselves off the dummy or their thumbs if they wish, and if they don't - it isn't the end of the world. Don't be so hard on yourself!
The hospital also gave my baby a dummy the day after she was born as they said it would help her sucking reflex. I have been using a dummy since. She isnow 6.5 weeks old and seems content when we give it to her. When she is really upset she spits it out. The last few days I have been putting her in her cot without it and she just screams for ages. My husband keeps telling me to be strong and not give it to her but I think I will go back to using it. She seems content when she has it and once she falls asleep she pits it out - so it just seems like a comfort thing :)
I gave my bub a dummy when she was only a day or so old because she just cried ALL the time - wouldn't settle without it. The midwives all gave me a hard time but it was my choice. She only has it falling asleep now and then spits it out once she's fully asleep - I'm OK with that! Don't feel guilty - do what YOU think is right.
All my three girls had the dummy from birth onwards. I don't feel guilty one bit. For my own sanity and their comfort, it was what we needed to get through, especially those first months.
They only ever had it to sleep with or on long car rides and I never let them walk around with dummies in their mouths.
DD1- gave up hers at 10 months
DD2 - "lost" her's at 18 months
DD3 - was very attached with hers to sleep with and it actually vanished in to thin air when she was two and a half. It is still a mystery where it got to. She has forgotten she even used one now.
If and when #4 joins us, I will be taking one to hospital too.
What ever you decide to do, it's your choice - but please don't feel guilty. :)
My daughter Briana has one to sleep with and sometimes to chew on when there is a tooth hurting.
At the hospital after I had Briana the nurses took her out of my room after she was born (about 3 hours old) , i was exhausted and she was screaming from the moment she entered this world. I offered them a dummy but they said they don't like using them.
About 1/2 hour later they came in and asked for the dummys and it settled her straight away. She was a real comfort sucker.
Do what you feel is best and remember that habits can always be broken when they are older and if it gives you a bit of sanity now and helps your bub sleep, you couldnt ask for more.
Mother to Briana Sage (2.6.04)
I was also against the use of a dummy but on the last night in hospital, no amt of feeding/bathing/cuddling/swaddling would settle ds - the midwives suggested a dummy & he settled instantly. DS is now 10mths & uses it for sleep time only or when really really upset (eg. teething/unwell). He has developed his own routine of handing it to me when he wakes & as others have said, it falls out when he sleeps. Ime not to concerned of getting rid of it later - we'll face that when the time comes. The midwives told me that some babies just need the extra sucking & I know heaps of mums that wish their bubs would have a dummy, especially when they are out and about.
Kelsie also has a dummy - again it is only to go to sleep or when she is really tired and upset. She is 5 months old. I was another mother totally against dummies - now I cannot imagine life without it! The only thing I am worried about is how often she wakes during the night looking for it!
She went throught a period of sleeping through and now she wakes up to 10 times a night looking for it again - How exhausting!! Has anyone else had this problem and any ideas how to remedy it?
Please don't feel bad. I was so anti dummy when i was pregnant and up until MJ was 1month old. After that she became unsettled and looked to be teething (tooth went back down) and the dummy was a life saver. She now only has it when she's going to sleep and straight after her feed fot 10 minutes. I have to do that as she's found her hands and likes to stick her fingers down her throat :rolleyes: It gives the food time to settle, otherwise it all comes back up :eek:
I still don't like it honestly. I hate seeing babies with dummies in their mouth. I guess i'm just lucky that she likes the orthodontic dummies. They cost more but won't cause dental problems apparently.
Good luck with everything. Just do what you think is best. I've found that if you are calm and relaxed then bub will be too :D
I totally agree with everyone on this forum. For as long as the dummy works for you, then just do it.
We have been using the dummy with our DS since week 1 (he is now six months old). It has helped tremendously! In the past, he has used it to fall asleep and once asleep it has fallen out and he has stayed asleep no probs.
But our story is now slowly changing. I think he is becoming a bit addicted to it, as he is starting to wake up more and more overnight, not hungry, and when we put the dummy in, he drops off straight away. If it is once or twice overnight I really don't mind, because we are in there for less than 30 seconds, back to bed and sleep. But it is becoming more and more frequent. So we might have to start sleep training.
Yes, there is the downside that they can become "addicted" and it causes a problem. But I thnk that in the early stages when bubs is small you need to do what you can to get sleep, and to get decent patterns of sleep established. Once they are older, if the dummy or other sleep "prop" becomes an issue (rocking, feeding, etc etc), they are a bit older and are a bit better able to deal with sleep training.
I'm giving him another week before I decide if I need to go cold turkey with the dummy, which will be an interesting experience that many brave mums and dads have done before me!
I would not have changed a thing that we did in relation to dummy even though it looks like it might be becoming a problem. It really helped us get sleep when we really really needed it most. Now I know bubs and his personality better and what he needs and doesn't need and I'm not sooo sleep deprived I might be able to cope with trying to get rid of dummy!
my bub is also a dummy addict. i started him on dummies when we were still in hospital and don't regret it one bit. he instantly relaxes when he has it. i say if it works and isn't harmful to them why not?
although I am finding the same difficulties as a couple of you as well - he wakes up during the night hunting for it and if he can't find it will start to wake up and crack up.
ATM a good night for me is 2 - 3 wakes per night. A couple of nights ago it was every hour (or felt like it anyway). Sometimes I just resort to sleeping on a mattress on the floor in his room to get some decent sleep!
I just can't stand to see him cry (hysterically mind you :rolleyes: ) for it. And he certainly will not settle if it gets to that point!
I'm a new mum to a nearly 4 week old girl and when I was pregnant and in hospital I was really anti dummy - but one night in hosp when she wouldn't settle after 3 hours of feeding/changing/swaddling/rocking/soothing etc, the midwives took her to the nursery so I could rest and gave her the dummy (with my consent). We've been home for over 2 weeks now and I hadn't used it.
This week I've been a bit unwell with a sore throat/cough and found that being sick has made it harder to deal with the sleep deprivation and DD unsettled behaviour at night, so out of desperation I used a dummy (we got 2 as gifts and I almost had thrown them out thinking I'd never use one, lucky I didn't) and it worked!!!
I was so relieved to read this thread, as I too had felt like I'd failed at being able to settle/soothe my baby and now think that I will use when we need to (mainly at night, or when out) and be kind to myself!!
Good luck to all the other mums out there!! Z
Me too! I held out until Lucy was three weeks old and then gave into using a dummy it works like magic. I felt like a crap mother to start with but now I dont care!! It works for her, she only takes it when she really needs it other times she rejects it.
As my mum said, you can throw out a dummy but not a thumb.
When the time comes to get rid of it I'll be posting it to the faries in the Isle of Man where grandma and grandpa live :D
I have never been anti-dummy, I always had the intention of using one if my son wants it, which he does (for his day sleeps). Most people have something they need/or do for comfort, whether its snuggling with your partner, listening to the fan (i know alot of people who like the sound of a fan to sleep!) a special comfy pillow or a shower before bed etc, as they grow they will swap one comfort thing for another, maybe a teddy or blankie!! When he is 'too old' for a dummie I will wean him off it, but at the moment, if his happy, I'm happy!! :D
I love the sound of a fan when I'm sleeping. One of my fav things about summertime. Even after summer has gone ,it takes me awhile to realise."ok. Its getting colder now, turn the fan OFF!" lol :D
My daughter is two and still has the dummy. Not all day but its like she has an emotional attachment to it. Could that be possible? I know that when I was little I had my emotional attachments to things my mum thought were ridiculous. Not sure about the dummy though, but I am definately that way inclined!!! I think sometimes, just as long as she has her dummy and her teddy with her, she is ok. She is fine to get on with things. But if not, she totally freaks out!!
I am thinking now that she needs to "let it go" because I do think she is getting to big for it. I dont want to have her be four and have a dummy! (not that there is anything wrong with that - from Seinfeild lol)
My son gave it up when he was one, but little chicken just loves it!! I'm starting to wean her off in little ways though, but seem to give in too easy when she is persistent on having it. I guess i should just try whenever possible and then take it from there instead of just accepting her demands??? I have no idea....!!! :confused:
My nearly 2 year old DD still has her dummy and it's definitely a security thing now. She used to only have it for sleeping but was sick recently so I let her have it for comfort, and now have to wean her back off it during the daytime. I usually ask her for it or ask her to take it out, or ask her to put it away in her cot, rather than taking it away from her. I tell her that it's only for sleeping, or that if she wants to talk to me she has to take it out. She's a chatterbox so that often works. Sometimes if she really fusses over it I just put it in her pocket instead of back in her bed, and she seems ok with that. If all else fails I distract her with food and quietly move it out of sight while she's eatting.
I don't mind her having it, or her teddy or washcloth (boy she has a lot of security things!) when she's tired or upset. I only try to make sure that her having those things doesn't interfere with her playing or activities. If she's carrying around a bear all the time then she's less inclined to sit down and play, or colour with both hands. If she's got her dummy in her mouth she can't talk.
Yay. Just reading the first line of your post gave me this huge sense of releif!! She's not the only one!!! :D . Do you find that its affecting your daughters speech just a tad??? Sometimes i find K to be not very clear and I have thought it is definately the dummy. If she hasn't had it in for ahwile her speech is heaps better. Late afternoon today though, we misplaced it...and although we searched everywhere, a little part of me was glad that we had lost it. I think because this way I won't cave and give it back to her. I won't feel mean knowing I have it hidden. Its a genuine loss , sort of lol. ( i did have a couple but put them in the bin a few weeks ago and didn't replace them)
She went to bed fine without it. She said, "dummy's lost now" and that was it. Didn't scream the house down, just went off to sleep. I was sooo excited. So hopefully the dummy stays where it is and this might be the time to "let it go". Hip hip hooray!!! ( but I shouldn't talk too soon hey!?) :)
That's great J&K'sMum. I hope your daughter stays as calm tomorrow. I may have to try "losing" DD's dummy too, but not for a few months I think. She can't quite be reasoned with yet and I don't think would accept the loss. I hadn't realised that I'd replied to you in 2 separate posts, I must sound like a broken record, lol.
MarthaM lol. I felt the same way. :D
You wouldn't beleive it but I found it!!! I was putting her in the car and there it was sitting on the other side of her chair!! I quickly hid it behind her seat and hoped she didn't see it. Because she didn't even mention it, I thought I would see how long we could go without it!!! Would you beleive the whole day went without a word about it.?? I couldn't!!! I kept waiting for it to come, the screaming for it, but it didn't!! Tonight she was looking through her bag and I asked her what she was looking for and she said "looking for my dummy". A pang of guilt shot through me, but she soon just came and sat on my lap. I reminded her that we had lost it. Now night two !!! Yay. This could be it.. this could be the last of the "dummy". Oh my Goodness, that thing was driving me NUTS. I feel freeeee!! lol. Will keep you posted. :) :)
our girl is almost four weeks old and it seems in the last 48 hours we have hit a road block in relation to her sleep. she has gone from being a dream day and night sleeper (with only a few problem hours each evening) to not settling at any sleep times, no matter how much cuddling, rocking, breast feeding, patting or comforting we give her. my mother suggested using a dummy last night and again this afternoon and both times bub has gone down immediately. what mum suggested was that once she is asleep, remove it so she won't automatically look for it if she wakes. thankfully our daughter does seem able to self settle if she wakes up (no doubt this will change soon too). like so many other mothers I thought using a dummy was a stupid idea which would cause more problems than solve but having seen the resuts, I'm sold. I have realised that one of the worst things you can experience as a parent is to watch your baby become upset and distressed and feel there is nothing you can do to take the hurt away. at least with a dummy she's happy, settled and quiet. a lot of experts condone the use of a dummy - don't feel guilty - at least your baby is content.
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