Does anyone else think about leaving [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

View Full Version : Does anyone else think about leaving

tosandes

31-08-2006, 12:33

I dont know if anyone cares or if anyone else ever thinks about it, but more and more frequently I have been thinking of leaving my partner and father of our son 14months.

We have never had a smooth ride as far as our relationship goes, and the week before we found out I was preg. we were splitting up. We have been together 4 years and I am just not sure that I love him anymore, there is no spark. I feel no real connection to him other than our son and a familararity that 4 years brings.

He is not abusive or horrible, just a little distant and still seems to have individual goals. He says he is willing to change what ever it takes to have us stay, but Im just not sure if it is too little too late.

Does anyone still have a spark after 4 years and 1 child? Am I being fanciful and immature in my desires for a relationship? Im so confused:confused: :confused:

shell13

31-08-2006, 13:02

I've been with my hubby for 10 years and look it is not the same as it was at the beging of the relationship, but you do need to work at it. Go on a romantic weekend away together, leave the little one with a trusted relative see if you can get some of that spark back, you may be pleasantly surprised.

FOURtunate

31-08-2006, 14:14

The "spark" is long gone. The days of flowers for no reason, and sex every single day...over.

But I believe that relationships are all about partnership, friendship and mutual respect. If he seems distant, just come out and ask him why. Be honest with your questions. I asked my very distant DH if he still loved me recently. Turns out he had some things on his mind (his health, his job, the kids).

It can be hard to differentiate distance from disinterest. You don't know until you ask. :hugs:

jessgray

31-08-2006, 19:24

we havent been together for 4 yrs but we are about 2.5 yrs with #2 on the way. some days the spark is there some days it isnt some days we are fighting like cats and dogs lol
we sometimes forget to make time to talk or spend time together. i managed to convince him to take me to see pirates of the carribean 2 not long ago and he loved it and i felt really good that we spent time together :) while ds was at daycare.

*Sparkles*

31-08-2006, 19:45

I have been married twice. I left my Ex because I fell out of love with him. We had become like brother and sister and there was no intimacy for a long time. I also did not want to have children with this man.
When I left him it was very hard and he was heart broken, I honestly expected him to feel the same way but it seems like he had his head in the sand for too long. His family were very bitter too which was very disappointing.
Anyway, I met DH #2 almost straight away and we have been together for as long as I was with DH #1. I admit that the sparks do die over time but we have a much better bond and are really enjoying having a child together. And I still love him very much.

I think if you don't love someone anymore then there is no point staying and living a lie.
Sorry for the long post but I wanted to get my feelings out too :p

reAllytee

31-08-2006, 20:15

Its whether you want to fight for it.
If you do then stay if you dont then maybe it is time to move on but for me i wouldnt leave any stone unturned before i walked away.

suemp

01-09-2006, 09:05

i seem to go thru phases. its like there are weeks at a time dp does nothing for me at all. everything he does "is wrong" and i cant stand him. he has his faults eg drinking and its at these times it all gets too much and i feel like leaving. then there are times when i couldnt love him more. he is a great father and does heaps for me and i wonder why i didnt like him the last week iykwim. i agree weekends away are good (we prefer taking our son though wierd i know)
good luck with it all.

cupcakemafia

01-09-2006, 17:36

But I believe that relationships are all about partnership, friendship and mutual respect. If he seems distant, just come out and ask him why. Be honest with your questions. I asked my very distant DH if he still loved me recently. Turns out he had some things on his mind (his health, his job, the kids).

It can be hard to differentiate distance from disinterest. You don't know until you ask.

I second that!!!
(From a married mum of one who has been married for two and a half years)

Chanelc

01-09-2006, 18:07

I would suggest marriage counselling or even counselling for yourself to work out what is going on. You sound confused and not 100% sure.
I am a single mum now and left for my own reasons - we still talk and he hopes we will rekindled - he is doing personal work and so am I.
It is hard to be a single mum so before you leap think seriously and talk to a professional about your feelings or lack of as it may just be a phase

mumtok&z

01-09-2006, 19:18

I have been thinking about leaving my hubby for about 2 months now, for a number of reasons. If you want to chat pm me.

niknax

02-09-2006, 20:52

It is hard to say what makes a good marriage. I have been married for ten years this month :eek: . There are definitely times when you wonder why you are here and what is going on with your relationship. Then there are other times when it is wonderful and I know exactly why I am here. I think that you have to make the decision that you love this person and find the spark again. Although we don't have children yet (the next challenge!) I know that our marriage will survive it because we are partners in every aspect of our lives and I can't imagine not having my DH here in the years to come. Our marriage is still going strong when others around us have failed.... sorry to go on

hope you find the right path for you....

Jaileth

06-09-2006, 12:45

Hi,

I hate to say it, but I'm in the same boat as you. We've been together four years and been married one. We got married because I was pregnant.

I'm finding it harder and harder. It's like I have two kids, not one. I do all the house work, I look after bub, I do the budget and the shopping. All of it. If I want him to do something, I have to ask weeks in advance. I'm beginning to hate him.

He studies and works, and I know he's tired when he comes home, but he just doesn't do anything. He's out almost every night and I can't stand it any more.

At the same time, I know that if I left, it would tear him up inside. I feel as if I have to stay, but I'm struggling to put up with his mess.

I feel alone and unloved and hurt and angry. We go through cycles, where he's really really helpful for a week or two, but for the next 2 or 3 (or 4 or 5 or 6) months, he doesn't do a damn thing.

Any way, that's my rant. Thanks.

alanasmum

07-09-2006, 08:45

Relationships are all about communication. You say you've been thinking about leaving him. You should communicate that to him and tell him why. If he is willing to do what ever it takes to keep you together then it's worth talking to him about your feelings.

Why don't you both try writing down what you want out of your relationship, ie common goals, romance, understanding etc and then exchange lists and work your way through communicating on each point. Then you both know exactly where each other stands and can start making an effort to give the other one what he/she needs. If you can get away for a weekend to do this, even better. That way you are not distracted by taking care of the little one.

I wish you all the luck in the world :hugs:

MumOfTwoBoys

08-09-2006, 11:25

I've been married for 13 years :eek: and have been thinking about leaving for the last 9... I know I will not do it because of the children. Although sometimes I think that it would have been better if he was not here, but he is generally a good father and a very family oriented man. He is just very difficult to live with and I am pretty sure we don't love each other, just stay together for the children and because we are simply used to live together... :gloomy: I sometimes hate myself for being such a coward. I can never cross the line. I admire strong people who can do it. Looking back I can't say that I was happy for at least some time. There were happy moments, but just moments...

angelickaren

09-09-2006, 18:51

hi i was with my ex since i was 17yrs old he was my first in many ways but after having my first so young at 18 and then my other boy was 5 yrs later but we had lived apart in different states many times. i was so scared to leave him as he would theaten me and i always thought no one would wont me with two kids. i finally left him when i was 26 in yr of 2003 so for nine yrs i stayed for the kids but one day i was so depressed about everything i was close to doing something bad to my self i was seeing a shrink and i knew i had to leave for my sake and i had to put the kids second for the first time ever but i knew if i didnt i may have not been here so i took me 16ths to even think about seeing anyone else due to i had to deal with myself i met my current dp in the end of 2004 now i am so happy this is what i should have been with my ex. i now have a little girl with him and i can tell you how nice is it to have someone who does stuff for her as well with my ex i felt like i was a single mum. Dont stay for the kids sake if you arent happy neither are your kids i saw that after i left so just maybe get some couselling and see why you arent happpy but dont waste your life with someone who doesnt make you happy you only get one life. because their is someone out their who will make you happy if you need to talk pm anytime it took me 3 yrs to leave i know its hard but i feel like a new women now.

ThreePinkFaireez

08-10-2006, 23:47

lovebeingamum!

15-10-2006, 08:52

I know this thread is a little old now, but just wanted to say that I could take a little from every post and make the story of my life.
I guess its... comforting to know that my situation isn't unique and I'm not the only one going through it, but I wonder why it sometimes turns out like this? (Anybody got a magic wand... crystal ball... anything...?!?)
I'm fairly certain that DH thinks it's all happened since we had DS (or because of DS), but I think there's al little more to it than that... I think I've 'picked' a guy who's not cut out for being a parent... he's still stuck in the 'couple, with no kids' mind set.
As I've said in other posts, it would be easier if he was an all out bas$#rd, because then i could leave...
Hugs to all you girls :hugs:

PS - Ezzma, I know not everyone likes to 'air their dirty laundry', so to speak, especially with new friends, but you know where I am if you ever want to vent. And trust me when I say you'd probably get some venting back :o

Wish_Bear

15-10-2006, 14:21

Wow, it's my life in print! I am trying to decide whether to leave my DH but am scared of how I will raise 2 kids alone. Although he is away most of the year. I feel I have had to spend so much time alone that I have become independant of him and us as a couple.

I know I have posted about my sad state of affairs so I won't go on. Just wanted to let any others in this situation that you are not alone and if you need a chat please feel free.
:hugs:

Meljem

17-10-2006, 13:20

tosandes Hi there, i have to agree with a few of the others, everyone has ups and downs, but i would sit down and talk to him if i was you. I was married for 5 years before, and i have 2 children to him. We grew apart fast after the 1st one, and the 2nd was not planned, then it all went down hill. I tried but he didnt want counselling etc, so i left. My children were so much happier after that, they thrived on a happy peaceful household. Im not saying to walk out, but i would try counselling and other options first, but never be afraid to do the best for you or your child if you have done everything you can and it doesnt work. It takes two to make a relationship work.

Tarynduggan Hi there, just a quick note for you. Never be afraid of doing things alone, IF thats how things have to go, i have done it myself, you do get by. I just want to say though, that i think its best to try to work things out first, but my biggest advice to people is never stay with someone purely for the children, in the end no one is happy.

Issey

18-10-2006, 22:07

It's always good to know you aren't the only one with these 'feelings'. I wish I didn't have them but I do too.