Non-compliant husband

[Pregnor]

:laughing:

Seriously though, how did/does your significant other feel about attachment parenting?

My husband is anti-homebirth, anti-cosleeping, pro-formula, pro-induction, pro-caesarean. He did attempt to baby wear but it was 'too sweaty'

I feel like i am pushing poop up hill sometimes! He tries to be supportive, supportive of me wanting to breastfeed, and have a natural birth. But i know the minute it gets hard he'll be trying to tell me to get an epidural, or bringing home bottles and formula.

There are just so many things i need to educate him on and i dont know where to start! :hair:

Please help!

[Gandalf]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
i can't imagine how hard that must be.

i'm single - but any guys i date (actually any guys i'm friends with) kinda have to come around to my way of thinking. :o its not really up for debate in my life (wow - i sound like a b!sh :o)

i would look into getting supportive friends. getting a doula, ABA membership etc - kinda, undermine him? (that sounds horrible, but that's the kind of thing i would do).

going to stay out of a thread i can't actually contribute properly to now.
:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Pregnor]

:laughing:

I know what you mean.

I guess when we met that i hadnt thought much beyond, i want babies one day! So now that we are in the situation, its hard because i am more hippy-ish, and hes more oldschool. Its probably mostly that hes just not really educated in the realm of babies. BUt sometimes its just not open to discussion ie. his opinion that homebirth is irresponsible and people are putting their babies lives at risk. And maybe 5 years ago i might have thought the same thing, but now i am more informed i feel differently.

Sometimes its pretty easy to undermine him, as much as that sounds bad... like I dont want to give DS the chicken pox vax, and he does. So i said fine, you take him for it then. And so of course DS has not had that vaccine.

*sigh* i did join the ABA. And i told him that i was going to go to the mothers groups, and hes totally behind it, then says things like 'formula is just as good' and 'what happens if you can't do it again like last time?' and i get that he has opinions, i just want him to say 'yeah, you'll do much better this time because... xyz'

So i guess this is just a massive husband vent! :laughing:

[Thermolicious]

My hubby was pretty mainstream he changed his tune when I left him to try and show me what we were doing wasn't 'right'.

Sure APing can be full-on and we would both like more time alone but it is only for a few years, we have the rest of our lives together.

[Gandalf]

vent away. its frustrating when people say anything like that - and its harder when they're the people who get to make 50% of the decisions.

mayyybe. tell if that if you can't breastfeed next time round, you'll look into getting donor breastmilk ;) might make him a bit more supportive :laughing:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
do you have friends/family around you who have ideals more closely aligned with yours? i find that helpful for me, that i can turn to my close circle, if my family/work/classmates etc are all dragging down on my 'this is how i think it should be done' :(

[Thermolicious]

:laughing:

I know what you mean.

I guess when we met that i hadnt thought much beyond, i want babies one day! So now that we are in the situation, its hard because i am more hippy-ish, and hes more oldschool. Its probably mostly that hes just not really educated in the realm of babies. BUt sometimes its just not open to discussion ie. his opinion that homebirth is irresponsible and people are putting their babies lives at risk. And maybe 5 years ago i might have thought the same thing, but now i am more informed i feel differently.

Sometimes its pretty easy to undermine him, as much as that sounds bad... like I dont want to give DS the chicken pox vax, and he does. So i said fine, you take him for it then. And so of course DS has not had that vaccine.

*sigh* i did join the ABA. And i told him that i was going to go to the mothers groups, and hes totally behind it, then says things like 'formula is just as good' and 'what happens if you can't do it again like last time?' and i get that he has opinions, i just want him to say 'yeah, you'll do much better this time because... xyz'

So i guess this is just a massive husband vent! :laughing:
I would ask him to provide me with the research that proves what he is saying is true *shrugs* he'll be gone a while :laughing:

[Pregnor]

But the thing is he wouldnt do it, and also wouldnt change his POV. Hence why it is so frustrating!! And if i ask him to read something that is any longer than a page, he won't.

Gosh, he sounds like a horrible husband! He really isnt, i know he just wants me and baby to be safe and happy, hes just a little misguided in his thinking!! I just like to read and read and read and read, and reject anything i find too extreme. I guess its harder for him to be as passionate because its not his body!

[Boobycino]

It is frustrating some times.

Dp and his siblings weren't breast fed and since Jasper was 6 weeks old his parents started commenting to me', then telling him to tell me to give Jasper a bottle. Like. Ugh.

But on the same thing like even though dp didn't want to co sleep with our very unsettled and attached little boy we've coslept now for 2 years.

We've sort of agreed to try not to cosleep with next baby - but I'll certainly breast feed again.

Dp and next labour will be difficult - he doesn't entirely grasp it was the hospitals fault that my labour was so bad. He's frightened of me having another labour, he doesn't want to risk me or the baby. He would be happiest to book a csection.

So that'll be hard for me to be half way wanting a home birth.

[Thermolicious]

But the thing is he wouldnt do it, and also wouldnt change his POV. Hence why it is so frustrating!! And if i ask him to read something that is any longer than a page, he won't.

Gosh, he sounds like a horrible husband! He really isnt, i know he just wants me and baby to be safe and happy, hes just a little misguided in his thinking!! I just like to read and read and read and read, and reject anything i find too extreme. I guess its harder for him to be as passionate because its not his body!
Exactly ;)

[missie_mack]

My husband isn't much better, particularly when it comes to births, pain relief etc etc I blame all the years he spent studying :laughing: He is probably more open to babywearing etc to be fair and is starting to come around that not everyone is doing/suggesting stuff in our best interest. When he disagrees with me on something I simply tell him my decision is based on medical research and if he can prove me wrong I will reconsider my stance (and fortunately for me him coming from a medical type background this appeals to him ;) and he is too vain/proud not to do the research)


I guess its harder for him to be as passionate because its not his body! Could you imagine their responses if someone told them we should slice open their penis' as it would be easier than urinating LMAO

[elleandsam]

DH is pretty much the same, but I've told him if I have to give him all the reasons why and he feels so passionately against he has to present all the reasons why not. I'm not putting in all the effort of researching to be told no and that be that.

DH was very anti-lotus birth but I told him if he felt so strongly against it to research it and tell me why not. He did, and could only find good things.

[Pregnor]

Dp and next labour will be difficult - he doesn't entirely grasp it was the hospitals fault that my labour was so bad. He's frightened of me having another labour, he doesn't want to risk me or the baby. He would be happiest to book a csection.

So that'll be hard for me to be half way wanting a home birth.

This is why the labour thing will be hard for me too. He doesnt understand WHY my labour was so hard last time, WHY i had complications etc. He just sees me, exhausted and in pain, and he keeps telling me he thought we were both going to die. So TBH, he would also be really happy if i just had an elective c-sect and has mentioned it quite a few times. He seriously thinks it is a safer option. He stopped mentioning it when i told him he'd need to have 6 weeks off work to look after DS.

I keep trying to explain why things will be different this time, ie. if i get baby in a better position it will be easier and less painful, i wont have high blood pressure because its my 2nd preg, 2nd labours are usually faster etc etc. He just thinks its going to be exactly the same this time :(

I guess it probably wouldnt bother me so much if we could have a discussion about it. But his response to me mentioning the OB might like to induce me if DD is likely to be as big as DS was 'awesome'.. :rolleyes:

[Gandalf]

Could you imagine their responses if someone told them we should slice open their penis' as it would be easier than urinating LMAO
oh.my.goodness

i just sprayed water everywhere, and i think i wet myself. :o:laughing::laughing::laughing:
:yelclap::yelclap::yelclap:

brilliantness. i so can't wait to use that line on a man :devil6:

[Pregnor]

Love it missie mack.

I think i will just have to start finding simple one page articles about things i want. He is quite highly suggestable! I got him to come around on cloth nappies and he stopped resisting the teething necklace after a couple of weeks.

Anyone have a good one about the benefits of extended breastfeeding (Ooooh I would just love to see the look on FILs face if i was still breastfeeding a 2 year old haha)

[peanutbutter&jelly]

We've sort of agreed to try not to cosleep with next baby - but I'll certainly breast feed again.


Oooh, we did too. Wanna know how that one panned out? :o :p :sleeping:
Turns out I'm not just loving having a baby to snuggle with, it was also damn hard to get OUT of bed, get baby, stay awake while feeding baby, then put baby back down, resettle etc. Give in now :p

You think you sound like a bish Esther? DF doesn't care which parenting strategy I use, he deals with it, and gets told he's doing it wrong anyway :o How's that for bad? Admittedly he takes his own *waaaay off* spin on things, but he tries... sort of.

OP, I have nothing :( I'm so sorry he's being so bad about it though :(

[Thermolicious]

Love it missie mack.

I think i will just have to start finding simple one page articles about things i want. He is quite highly suggestable! I got him to come around on cloth nappies and he stopped resisting the teething necklace after a couple of weeks.

Anyone have a good one about the benefits of extended breastfeeding (Ooooh I would just love to see the look on FILs face if i was still breastfeeding a 2 year old haha)

http://www.sarahbuckley.com/blog/


In the second year (12-23 months), 448 mL of breastmilk provides:
29% of energy requirements
43% of protein requirements
36% of calcium requirements
75% of vitamin A requirements
76% of folate requirements
94% of vitamin B12 requirements
60% of vitamin C requirements
-- Dewey 2001

More here (http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html).

[Gandalf]

You think you sound like a bish Esther? DF doesn't care which parenting strategy I use, he deals with it, and gets told he's doing it wrong anyway :o How's that for bad? Admittedly he takes his own *waaaay off* spin on things, but he tries... sort of.
:laughing: i see that happening too.

and the MIL - ooooh, she'd better watch out. :devil: everytime my friends mil does something i'll be like 'she is so lucky i'm not her dil' :o:laughing::laughing:

bishy works for me. it was my nickname in highschool :o

[Pregnor]

well ummm ooops. I just bought that 'gentle birth, gentle mothering' book. I think ill get some post its and mark pages for hubby as i read. I think the fact its written by a dr will give it more credibility in his eyes...

Not that i needed anything more to read, i still have to read my hypnobirthing book and some other natural birth book!! I hope it doesnt make me want a homebirth more, ive already paid the obstetrician a small fortune!

[kar]

My husband came along to ABA bfing class and seriously, you have never met a more passionately Bfer lol.
I'm not sure, my hubby is pretty compliant and has always been pro bringing babe into bed etc, thinks any notion if 'spoiling' a baby is ludicrous etc.
Can you make him come to some classes or something. My hubby also likes reading baby devp books. And the only ones we have in the house are pretty much AP...

[BabushkaMumma]

Ahhh, these men may have fallen off the same tree I suspect! Mine didn't come to my ABA classes - but likes to pipe up with such valuable quips as 'maybe your not making enough milk' or when the baby woke in the night 'just give her milk' or when 1 hour passed in the day 'she's thirsty give her milk' thank you..didn't know I'd hired a LC on such a permenant basis. However is in full support of extended feeding :) he wouldn't dare say anything to me!
I didn't succeed with getting him to read either - I'd marked out the chapters to read but I had to read it out aloud to him in the end.
I also searched for 'credible' sources ie not my hippy books to support my claims and then that shut him up.
I was lucky though on the immunisation - his grandma insisted he wasn't vaxx until school age - low and behold he's alive today.
Hang in there and be firm in your own reason to do what you feel comes naturally. Sometimes DH used to say stuff to rouse me up - I don't know why but I tried to get him onside as repectfully as possible seeing as he is my parenting partner. But when I needed to put my foot down (in the instance when he tried to get me to ff when I was very sick and needed a certain non-bf friendly medication which I opted not to take) I put it down very firmly.



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[kar]

Sorry pregnor, missed that your hubby doesn't want to read the books. The ABA partner classes are great.

[Bubbles10]

'The Business of Being Born' is a good DVD for partner's (and pregnant women) to watch. Good when they not so keen on reading.

'The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth' is a great book to get info on many interventions that can be offered to you. Provides a summary of published research and links to where you can get more info.

My DH was not so keen on co-sleeping, but now realises that it means we get more sleep. I get more sleep, and am happier which makes his life happier too.

[BabushkaMumma]

'The Business of Being Born' is a good DVD for partner's (and pregnant women) to watch. Good when they not so keen on reading.

'The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth' is a great book to get info on many interventions that can be offered to you. Provides a summary of published research and links to where you can get more info.

My DH was not so keen on co-sleeping, but now realises that it means we get more sleep. I get more sleep, and am happier which makes his life happier too.

Yes - love both those books :) I read TWG maybe 10 times before both births!!

[MissSookyLaLa]

I think it's important to remember that our hubbys dont spend hours and hours on parenting forums or reading parenting blogs and books, so we can't expect them to have the same outlook that we do.

My hubby is happy to go along with what I want in terms of babies, but now that our DS is getting older, our different discipline styles are becoming apparent... he isnt a big reader, so I've downloaded podcasts by robyn grille for us to listen to in the car, and we've been along to a parenting seminr thing.

I'd suggest taking him to a couple of seminars to help change his viewpoint.

good luck

[MsMummy]

It's not a problem for me as my partner does what he's told.:laughing: (jokes)

Seriously, that would be very hard. Perhaps give him some stuff to read about attachment theory.

My partner is very pro AP, but he was studying pysch at uni when our son was born so he was getting those ideas from an external source.

For example, he had a pro home birth lecturer one week, and came home and said "if we have another baby, you should totally have a home birth".

so, that's all I've got - give him some good material to read (or lock him in the cupboard until he comes around to your POV...).

[trishalishous]

I guess I'm lucky! DH wants us AP. the only thing he doesn't agree with is me having a hb (understandable after my first birth)
he happily does housework so I can rest. when I was on bedrest he waited on me hand and foot. he brought DD in to me and cuddled her while I slept, fed her ebm etc.
I got me a good one :)

[Laksa]

My husband and I have disagreements on discipline. We are in a different situation, as he works in the mines. So I feel that my way is the way it should be done, so that it is consistent :)
(and cos I'm right hahah)

He does read the books I give him tho.

The ABA breastfeeding class is really good for Dads :)
I see you are in Gosnells, your local ABA group is Armadale but you're more than welcome at my group in Willetton if you want to drive a bit further...
This week (Friday AM), we are talking about men and breastfeeding :)
PM me if you want...