angelbubswithwings
06-11-2010, 23:13
To my angel
Well I don't know how you are supposed to write something to a dream but that's what you were to us.
I remember the morning that those two lines showed up on the test - it was so early, only 10dpo and when i held that test in the light, sure enough there was a faint line. Your Dad wouldn't believe it but as the days went on the test got darker and darker. We both wanted you so badly, we were desparate for a baby - I still wonder if we were too desparate, did we mess with fate because we wanted you so much?. The pregnancy was so much easier than the one just months before you were conceived. We were cautious but optimistic, I mean - it couldn't happen again could it. Unfortunately as the last loss was a missed miscarriage there was no comfort until our first ultrasound. There you were at 8 weeks with your little heart beating like crazy - i cried tears of relief, i mean - the odds are so much less after a heart beat is detected. As the weeks went by we started to let ourselves dream more and more - we were busy planning our honeymoon and slowly started telling close family and friends. I was sick but it was managable and the pregnancy was progressing well except for some blood pressure problems which my dr assured me weren't bad enough to harm you. I did everything right - i tried so very hard, i watched what i ate, i took things easily, i took my daily vitamins and told myself that i would be a mum soon.
The day we found out that you had left us just about broke my heart. The moment before we went into the room I started crying hysterically because all of a sudden i knew - your Daddy thought that it was anxiety but now i know that it was mothers instinct. I don't know the very moment that your tiny heart beat stopped beating along mine but I do know that our hearts broke at the moment that the lady told us she was sorry.
Sometimes I think that maybe i didn't try enough - i was overweight, i should have eaten healthy, i should have not gone to work on that 40 degree day, i should of stayed home and protected you but nothing that i think now is going to change anything so we have learnt to accept.
I knew you were a little girl the whole time, some just thought it was wishful thinking on my part after having a boy already (your brother) but i knew and i was so excited and couldn't wait until you were in my arms so that I could begin creating that bond between a mother and a daughter. Sadly on earth we wont ever have that chance now.
I am so sorry that I haven't yet found a way to acknowledge you in my life - i know that my pendant is for my other angel but I just haven't found the right thing yet and I have been so busy just trying to get on with life and keep living and appreciating what i have that I haven't done it yet but I will, that i promise.
I am so grateful to you because you have really taught us that life is precious and that it passes by so quickly. This morning when I woke up it was such a beautiful day and i smiled as i walked and watched the sun coming from behind the clouds and i couldn't help but think that you would be happy knowing that i was ok.
I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason but at the moment I don't really understand that reason but I know over time that things will become clearer.
Just because with time my life moves on and I smile more and cry less doesn't mean that I have forgotten you. I will carry you in my heart for eternity and just hope that one day in heaven we meet again and i can give you that cuddle that I so badly ache and yearn for.
all my love
Your Mum xxxxx
Well I don't know how you are supposed to write something to a dream but that's what you were to us.
I remember the morning that those two lines showed up on the test - it was so early, only 10dpo and when i held that test in the light, sure enough there was a faint line. Your Dad wouldn't believe it but as the days went on the test got darker and darker. We both wanted you so badly, we were desparate for a baby - I still wonder if we were too desparate, did we mess with fate because we wanted you so much?. The pregnancy was so much easier than the one just months before you were conceived. We were cautious but optimistic, I mean - it couldn't happen again could it. Unfortunately as the last loss was a missed miscarriage there was no comfort until our first ultrasound. There you were at 8 weeks with your little heart beating like crazy - i cried tears of relief, i mean - the odds are so much less after a heart beat is detected. As the weeks went by we started to let ourselves dream more and more - we were busy planning our honeymoon and slowly started telling close family and friends. I was sick but it was managable and the pregnancy was progressing well except for some blood pressure problems which my dr assured me weren't bad enough to harm you. I did everything right - i tried so very hard, i watched what i ate, i took things easily, i took my daily vitamins and told myself that i would be a mum soon.
The day we found out that you had left us just about broke my heart. The moment before we went into the room I started crying hysterically because all of a sudden i knew - your Daddy thought that it was anxiety but now i know that it was mothers instinct. I don't know the very moment that your tiny heart beat stopped beating along mine but I do know that our hearts broke at the moment that the lady told us she was sorry.
Sometimes I think that maybe i didn't try enough - i was overweight, i should have eaten healthy, i should have not gone to work on that 40 degree day, i should of stayed home and protected you but nothing that i think now is going to change anything so we have learnt to accept.
I knew you were a little girl the whole time, some just thought it was wishful thinking on my part after having a boy already (your brother) but i knew and i was so excited and couldn't wait until you were in my arms so that I could begin creating that bond between a mother and a daughter. Sadly on earth we wont ever have that chance now.
I am so sorry that I haven't yet found a way to acknowledge you in my life - i know that my pendant is for my other angel but I just haven't found the right thing yet and I have been so busy just trying to get on with life and keep living and appreciating what i have that I haven't done it yet but I will, that i promise.
I am so grateful to you because you have really taught us that life is precious and that it passes by so quickly. This morning when I woke up it was such a beautiful day and i smiled as i walked and watched the sun coming from behind the clouds and i couldn't help but think that you would be happy knowing that i was ok.
I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason but at the moment I don't really understand that reason but I know over time that things will become clearer.
Just because with time my life moves on and I smile more and cry less doesn't mean that I have forgotten you. I will carry you in my heart for eternity and just hope that one day in heaven we meet again and i can give you that cuddle that I so badly ache and yearn for.
all my love
Your Mum xxxxx