Stay at home dads - anyone?

[BiggerNotSmarter]

Hi All

I'm just curious whether any guys out there have tried being the stay at home dad while ur partner goes out and wins the bread (so to speak)? Or any women whose partners have done this?

Just wondering how stay at home dads find it, if they have any insights on parenting, if they think it's different for stay at home dads compared to stay at home mums.

People often talk about how women are hard-wired for parenting and I think they often take to the role more easily than men. Would be interested to hear how any dads go if they're the one putting in the hours during the day.

Interested to hear any views!
Biggy

[Widget]

Hi biggy, we tried swapping roles for 4 months...

I ended up resigning from work because he was struggling so much, the kids drove him insane, the housework suffered...

The girls were in part time care as well at the time (1 2days, the other 1 day) and yeah, wasn't pretty...

[BiggerNotSmarter]

Yikes!!

Did he learn anything valuable along the way (besides a newfound appreciation for you that is!).

[Widget]

Yeah... Misses is always right when she says no Xbox while the kids are awake... Lol

He hasn't changed though... Still whinges about the house, only wants to play Xbox etc, etc...

He's definitely not cut out to be a SAHP... But... Neither am I...

[Maximum22]

Hi bigger not smarter! Just wanted to say congrats for the sahd thing! I have one in my playgroup he said the best thing he ever did was join playgroup, it was hard at first coz the rest of us are all women, but it stopped him from going crazy when he was in need of male conversation

[mimsie]

Hi :) Hope you don't mind me crashing!

My Dh was a stay at home dad, and was great at it. We've always said he's more like the 'mum' in our family anyway, he's more maternal than me :laughing:

He joined a playgroup with my kids, it was actually run through DoCS which I know scares some people off but it was really helpful for him, he didn't have transport and they had a bus they would go around and pick up the kids and parents with and take them all to the playgroup and home again. He loved it. I think the mums in those groups love having a dad there too ;)

He got a lot of :eek: reactions when people found out he was being the main caregiver, and I got a lot of judgement about not being 'there' for my kids (which you may find yourself having to stick up for your partner about) but overall he really enjoyed it.

[BiggerNotSmarter]

Thanks for the replies all!




He hasn't changed though... Still whinges about the house, only wants to play Xbox etc, etc...

Well I hope you crack the whip and get some parenting value out of him at least - even if he whinges!!!:geek:


Hi bigger not smarter! Just wanted to say congrats for the sahd thing! I have one in my playgroup he said the best thing he ever did was join playgroup, it was hard at first coz the rest of us are all women, but it stopped him from going crazy when he was in need of male conversation
Thanks, but I'm not actually a SAHD! I work full time but do funny hours (7-2 four days then 7-6 Friday) to try and do as much as I can by relieving DP in the arvos. I also try and do most of the parenting on the weekends.

Hi :) Hope you don't mind me crashing!

He joined a playgroup with my kids, it was actually run through DoCS which I know scares some people off but it was really helpful for him, he didn't have transport and they had a bus they would go around and pick up the kids and parents with and take them all to the playgroup and home again. He loved it. I think the mums in those groups love having a dad there too ;)

You're not crashing at all! I'm interested in any perspectives anyone has.

hmmm v. interesting re the playgroup, I have been looking for more contact with other parents, I might have to think about it.

Cheers
Biggy

[Formerly Mick]

As a single dad, and uni student, I'm a SAHD and it's awesome.

The biggest thing is just to trust yourself and your instincts.

I tried the parents group/playgroup thing and found that (for me at least) they were very much mother's groups, but that's going to depend on the people who happen to already take part in the groups in your area.

[mimsie]

I agree with that last bit. I think both mothers and fathers have to shop around playgroups ;) some are great, some leave you feeling inadequate or like some weird alien creature that has no idea about the reality of parenting even though you do it every day. It's like any other social group I think, you won't always walk into the perfect group with one go.

[MsMummy]

My partner has been a PT SAHD since our 2yo son was born (PT as he studies FT).

He just finished uni, and will likely be returning to FT work next year. He's actually really sad about it, as he will miss the time with our son.

i can't fault his parenting, and can't see that it's different due to gender. Although I understand why there are differences, as boys aren't raised to be caregivers.

His biggest struggle has been that he has been too shy to take our son to a playgroup. I think he's worried that he'll make breastfeeding women feel uncomfortable or be left out or something. But I think that's just a confidence issue.

I've always wondered if men pine for their children while at work. I returned to work fairly quickly as I my partner was studying, so somebody had to pay the mortgage. I felt really sad and almost physically ached. I often read women on here with similiar stories - but wonder if fathers (who, most often, return to FT work very soon after birth) experience the same thing?

[BiggerNotSmarter]

As a single dad, and uni student, I'm a SAHD and it's awesome.

The biggest thing is just to trust yourself and your instincts.

I tried the parents group/playgroup thing and found that (for me at least) they were very much mother's groups, but that's going to depend on the people who happen to already take part in the groups in your area.

Mate! Kudos on the SAHDing while studying, you must be a busy guy! how do you find juggling everything?

I think that's an important point re the instincts - I find as a guy who doesn't spend as much time with his son as his mum does i do sometimes doubt my instincts and abilities in comparison to hers. I think confidence is definitely an issue.




i can't fault his parenting, and can't see that it's different due to gender. Although I understand why there are differences, as boys aren't raised to be caregivers.

I've always wondered if men pine for their children while at work. I returned to work fairly quickly as I my partner was studying, so somebody had to pay the mortgage. I felt really sad and almost physically ached. I often read women on here with similiar stories - but wonder if fathers (who, most often, return to FT work very soon after birth) experience the same thing?

What do you think about the theory that mums naturally have a closer bond, at least early on, because they bore them for 9 months and were with them 24/7?

Personally yes, I do find that I often pine for my son when I'm at work - it can be tough sometimes and I need pretty regular sms/phone updates from DP! Early on this was more a concern for how things are going thing but now its just a missing being around him thing.:no:

Cheers
Biggy

[Formerly Mick]

Mate! Kudos on the SAHDing while studying, you must be a busy guy! how do you find juggling everything?

I just treat sleep like a hobby.

In reality though it's just a matter of staying as organised as I can. It means it's difficult to be spontaneous, but it'd be chaos if I didn't have each week planned ahead.

We have a 'timetable' on the fridge which has the various things for the kids, so I don't forget when library, or swimming etc is. I also have a chart for myself where my own chores are assigned. So each day has a room that I clean (so each gets done at least once a week).

Things like that. Plus I am blessed with two awesome little men who make it easy.

[meme]

What do you think about the theory that mums naturally have a closer bond, at least early on, because they bore them for 9 months and were with them 24/7?

I think it's great that fathers these days are taking on more nurturing roles in their families.

Birth is a physical process which releases hormones into the mothers body to help her bond with her infant. Breastfeeding further promotes this bond and hormonal cycles. so the *bond* between mother and child is not just something emotional, it is a chemical response.

I saw a doco once looking to see whether mens hormones also adjusted in the process of pregnancy and birth. I think that some of the men did show differences in some of their hormonal levels. Possibly believed to be in response to their partners pheremones...Interesting anyway.

I think that breastfeeding is really important for infants and so while I like the idea of sahd I think for me, it would have to be negotiated around what was best for the baby and family and for me at least 6 months with mum for the period of exclusive breastfeeding would be ideal.

all intellectual because I am a single mum but definately had plans to be the main breadwinner and have my dp be the sahd as our kids got older.

ETA - My dad wasn't a sahd but he was a single dad who raised me for many years while also working ( I was a latch key kid). So it's pretty normal for me for dads to do the parenting.

[Louisa79]

My DH is a full time SAHD, and has been since DD was born almost 11 months ago. Actually, he's been recovering from health issues for over 3 years so the stay at home part wasn't new for him.

He has struggled as he has had very little contact with children, but absolutely dotes on DD and she loves having her daddy there. I returned to work when she was 11 weeks old and the first week i think was the hardest. It has taken him a while to get used to leaving the house with her and organising activities for her, but now takes her to the park/shops etc with no problem.

He has mentioned that he struggles with patience and by the time I get home from work he is ready to hand over the reigns to me (which I gladly take). We both would like our roles to be reversed (ie he earn the money and me be at home) but circumstances are what they are for the time being. The most frustrating thing from my point of view is that once i'm home or on the weekends our DD is my sole responsibility, it's almost like he is a 9 - 5 dad IYKWIM. At first this was really tiring, especially as I exclusively breastfed her until 9 months so I was doing all the night feeds/settling etc as well as working full time. So what we try to do is at least one day on the weekend I have our DD to myself (we hit the shops/catch up with friends etc) so that he can have some time to himself and then the other day we spend as a family. So far it has worked fairly well.

I think he would like to have more SAHD's around but as yet we haven't found any in our area.

[kathbubz05]

My dh has actually found a fathers group! It is on the weekend and he takes ds..he loves the group, they do heaps of cool activities and there are a couple of sahds that go there and they always come back with something they have made etc, he goes to their houses while i get chill out time etc, we are so lucky to have that as a resource, he is a pretty full hands on dad(when he wants to be!..hehe), he is really a great dad.I have been a stay at home mum for a long while now and i am thinking of going to do studies(in a year or so) and at the moment the play on the cards is that he work from home( he can do that) while i study, his suggestion. So this thread is great for my readings too!