Mummy's of stillborns chat [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

PA80

06-11-2010, 10:06

Hi Min,
I didn't hold back at all with my friends, I had two come to the hospital and hold my sweet lil man, about 10 friends we invited to the funeral, and I talked about it to anyone who would listen, and showed pics on my facebook. I figure; he's my son, and I'm so proud to be his mummy, if they don't like it or are uncomfortable, they can bugger off, I don't need friends like that.
I was lucky that my mates stuck by me, even if they didn't understand, and they supported me even while I was being a hermit that didn't want to re-enter the real world in the first weeks. They put up with my moods, tears and the fact that I'm just not the same person I was 6mths ago, before I knew how cruel life could be.

If they are real friends, they will see that your friendship is worth the hard times, and will get alongside you and support you through this experience xoxo

My very close friend said recently "I want my old Paula back", she said it with love, meaning that she wanted to see me happy and fun like I was. She is always there for me though, and she is someone who doesn't even want kids, but a great friend to me :hugs:

2girls&1angelboy

06-11-2010, 11:07

I would love to join, i have too put everything out there just as I would if I had Kane and brought him home.
He is still our son and I am a very proud mummy to have such a beautiful son.

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

06-11-2010, 11:45

Paula - hi, been such a long time since we used to chat. Are you finding that now almost 6 months down the track some days you are ok and then other days something you wouldn't have expected to upset you just catches you off guard and really brings it back? I hate it when that happens, because it reminds me that it will always always be there, I just get a little better at living with it over time - the pain of loss I mean.

Min - I'd advise letting yourself experience the anger too, it's all a part of grieving and sometimes letting it out helps.

ilovemygirlsandboy - I love your photos of you with your son, he is so similar in size to my little boy and I wish I had photos like those.

PA80

06-11-2010, 12:31

JM- Hi, I'm so glad to see you here.....you were struggling so much last time we chatted....sounds like things are better for you now.
Yeah I have exactly that, like yesterday I was feeling pretty good, got to leave work early, thought I'd grab my dogs and go down the beach....when I got there, the sun was peeking through the clouds with a big storm rolling in behind it....I just started thinking about Austin and that he should be strapped to my front in a bub carrier, enjoying it with me. Then I grabbed my phone out & started playing all the songs from his funeral, and spent a few hrs walking / sitting on the beach crying and talking to him.
The loss & pain will always be there....but so too will our precious children.
I'm finding that I'm missing him more now than ever. I don't know if its because we've moved, changed jobs, sort of starting a new life, and he's not here to share it with us? Or if its because he'd be at that super cute age now, starting to explore the world. Maybe both. Its hard too, as the whole move is due to his death, and the need for better medical support to try for more babies, its all bitter-sweet and tainted, yet a positive move given the position we're in. It just sux that we are in this position. I've started this new job, which ordinarily I would have been so over the moon about, but now I really don't care too much, I just want to be a mum again. Its messing with my head.
:hugs: Hugs to you JM!

PA80

06-11-2010, 12:37

ilove- I looked at your FB pics of you & Kane, they are beautiful. :cloud9: What a precious little man.

Not sure if this will work but here's a link to my FB album of Austin....
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=400159311373&set=a.400136621373.176196.668456373#!/album.php?aid=170807&id=668456373

missymoo9

06-11-2010, 14:50

Hi ladies id like to join if i could please, hardly anyone knew i was pregnant i didnt tell many and didnt look it. Those i did tell i dont think realised what happens i think they thought it was like an eary miscarriage and some were like could you tell if it was a boy or girl? I felt so alone and still do it seems people (close family) forget its as if they think nothing happened, he was the first grandchild and when my mum or sister mention ds1 as being "the first grandchild" i always think "actually Christian is, are you forgetting?" I havent put anything on facebook yet, but i plan to when i finally figure out what to write on Christians plaque.

PA80

06-11-2010, 15:07

:wave: Hi Missymoo & welcome,
Do you mind me asking how many weeks you were when Christian was born?
Sorry your family don't give him (& you & your partner) the recognition he deserves. My parents are awesome about my son, they suffered the neo-natal death of my big brother, so they really 'get it'. They always tell people they have 4 grandsons on earth & one in heaven. :cloud9:
When did you have your precious angel?

Sending you big cyber hugs :hugs:

missymoo9

06-11-2010, 15:14

I was 20+5 being my first pregnancy i really had no clue about anything when it happened i wish i knew then what i know now. I had him February 20 2008, some time ago but its still very fresh in my mind, ive not had anyone thats been through the same thing i can talk to.

PA80

06-11-2010, 15:27

Have you had any pregnancies or babies since?
You have us to talk to now! You aren't alone, there are suprisingly a lot of people who go through this. Its sadly amazing how much it happens, over 2000 babies are stillborn in Australia every year. So many angels going straight to heaven. Not that it makes it any easier to walk this road, but there are some people who understand at least.

missymoo9

06-11-2010, 15:33

Im lucky to have two healthy boys, my subsequent pregnancies werent trouble free with hospital admissions, blood clots, preterm labour but that nothing compared to what others have gone through, im really lucky to have had two successful pregnancies i thank my amazing gyno for all her monitoring, tests, scans ... everything!

I know ive noticed lately how many angels are born sleeping, its really not fair.

2girls&1angelboy

06-11-2010, 18:39

Is it normal to feel ok one minute then absolutely crash the next, i feel so guilty to even eat or drink.

missymoo9

06-11-2010, 19:18

Ilovemygirls&boy i felt that way, i felt like i had no reason to eat theres no baby in my belly to feed, i just felt empty i didnt want to move i just layed in bed crying for so long, i lost so much weight.

PA80

06-11-2010, 19:30

Is it normal to feel ok one minute then absolutely crash the next, i feel so guilty to even eat or drink.

I was the same early on, I really struggled to take care of myself. I felt a lot of anger towards my body for letting me down, and felt like it didn't deserve any nourishment.
My appetite in general was completely gone for quite a number of weeks, as the grief was so full on.
The waves of feeling like everything is fine / normal, then crashing down like you don't even want to breathe are completely normal. It was described to me as a rollercoaster- in the early stages the ups are high and the downs are so low, the ride is steep, then slowly, over time, the ride begins to even out, as the lows don't feel quite so horrific.
Initially, when people said things would get easier over time, I did not believe them, I thought that it would be impossible, as nothing was going to change the fact my son had died, but incredibly I have found that wisdom to be true somehow.
Try not to feel guilty or pull yourself down when things feel ok, you'll need these breaks in the storm to regain your strength, ready for the next low wave to hit.
I felt like (& still do sometimes) that life was throwing every hard hit at me, that my entire existance had become a cruel joke. None of this is fair, it will never be ok that your baby has died, but somehow we can learn to live with this as part of our lives. You'll never be the same as you were before, you may have heard people say that you will find a new normal one day, and I reckon its true. :hugs:

PA80

06-11-2010, 23:06

ilove- have been keeping up with your posts on your other thread, it is such early hard days for you sweety.
Please remember that your little man Kane, and all our angel babies, only ever knew love, only knew comfort and warmth. They never had to experience emotional pain, or disappointment, or fear, or heartbreak, or the cruelness life throws. I often say sorry to my little man, sorry that my body failed him, that he never got to experience life here outside the womb. But I do believe he is in a better place than this earth, and I have to hang onto that, so as much as I want him here with me, I know he is the lucky one, who got to skip all the pain, and went straight from our love to a world of peace.
I feel guilt that I could not sustain his life, in a place that was supposed to keep him safe, guilt that I could have done something to save him. but the truth is; I did not know he was in danger, and he knows I would have given my life to save him if I could have. I'm sure each of us would, but that isn't the way it turned out, so I'm sure our babies would want us to be strong and keep living, with them forever in our hearts and never far from our thoughts.

Min1111

07-11-2010, 08:35

Wow heaps of posts on here to catch up on.
So sad for all of us to go through this.
Good to know this screwed up state of functioning that I am in currently is just normal.
I have no appetite and need to be told to eat though I would be fine if I didn't need to. Also feel pretty ripped off that my body couldn't keep my baby alive and didn't let me know he had died. But on the other hand it did its job and kept the baby in.
I feel embarrassed that I thought bub was still alive, guilty that I let down my family by not keeping him safe and just plain old stupid that after 13 weeks I let myself believe we were in the all clear.
I would have asked for a longer US if I had known it would be the last time I saw my bub alive.
I know logically that all the negative thoughts are worthless but I can't stop them.
I wish my body would decide what it's doing I am still spotting 2 weeks later and it's like a day with nothing then back to bleeding again. Part of me wants to get a cycle back so we might be able to try again but part of me is beyond petrified that this might happen again.
After doing lists of reading the major risk factors for still birth are overweight, over 35 and I think drugs were the other big risk factor. So now I have stillbirth in my history am overweight and 35. Only one of those things can be fixed and the clock is ticking.
It's annoying I will never be able to experience a calm relaxed pregnancy again. With DD who is 5, I was very anxious and constantly worried and she was fine so I was very relaxed this time and really just enjoyed it, then this happens.
My news on facebook went OK. My closest friends knew on the day it happened and they have been great even my friend was was preg due 2 weeks before me has messages me since. It was mainly the uncomfortableness of telling someone face to face. The other person is really shocked and doesn't know how to respond so they just want to leave the conversation. It's very awkward.
I have also started back at work last week. 1 week after it happened and it has been a real struggle. One of the SIDS counsellors told me if you can go back sooner try to because you might need more leave further down the track. So all week at work I have been struggling through and falling apart at home. It's been made harder with people from other offices calling to find out how the baby is coming along only for me to have to tell them. At least now it's out on facebook and some work people are friends hopefully the rumor mill will start and I can be spared a few of those awkward moments.
Ok enough blabbing need to get on with life.
Min

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

07-11-2010, 09:20

Min - I cannot imagine going back to work so soon, I took 3 months leave and it was still so incredibly hard going back to work. I also was very low key about my pregnancy and feel like I didn't make the most of his kicks etc. I also didn't know that he was gone and wonder what kind of mother wouldn't even know when the life inside her had stopped.

ILovemygirlsandboy - it is beyond normal, it is still so recent for you. I have that now and I'm almost 6 months down the road on this painful journey.

Like Paula, for about the first month I barely ate, would actually just forget, which made it hard because I needed to actively remember or be reminded to feed my two living sons. I also just didn't care about my body. I was on an asthma preventative through my pregnancy and refused to take it once he was gone, my asthma was getting bad, I'd be laying in bed at night wheezing and DH would plead with me to use my ventolin at least but I just would say 'who cares, what difference does it make.' I remember once when my hair was getting disgusting and the thought of washing it just seemed all too much trouble I asked DH to shave it off for me so I wouldn't have to bother washing it anymore. (fortunately he just washed it for me instead....) I didn't see any reason to live when my baby was dead, I felt like I had died too, and just a shell of a body remained.

I got to the point that I realised I had to make a decision to either join him, or start to live my life again. My living children were missing their mother. I had to tell myself quite sternly that Anil died that day, NOT me. Believe me though I really hit bottom before I got to that point. Paula will probably remember as we were in another chat thread at that time.

Random things hit me, like driving along, and I'll look over my shoulder and see two of my sons sitting in the back in their car seats, and it'll hit me, there should have been another there.

I think one thing that helped was that I gave myself permission to feel whatever I felt - angry, sad etc and to express it - no guilt or self-judgement, just let it all out.

Sorry for rambling, I just really feel for those of you that are in the early days, they seem so dark and endless and hopeless, and hope that by sharing what I went through it may connect with something you're feeling in some way.

And thankyou Paula for all your support both back in the early days and again now.

PA80

07-11-2010, 13:03

Min - I cannot imagine going back to work so soon, I took 3 months leave and it was still so incredibly hard going back to work.

:iagree: I took about 6 or 7 weeks off, can't remember exactly, its all a bit of a blur still. I didn't want to push myself to function 'normally' initially, although I had a lot of people giving me their 2 cents, saying go back to work, it will help get your mind off it, but honestly, I just wanted to be immersed in my grief at first. I didn't want to be ok. Going back to work is especially hard I think, as I was due to start my leave a week after, so had no visions of working anytime soon, I was going to be a mum. Going back just reinforced that nothing was they way it was meant to be, and everything about my life at that point was screwed up.
But grief is an individual journey, you really need to go with whatever feels right for you, not what anyone else thinks, unless of course you don't do what's absolutely necessary to maintain a level of health & life.

I got to the point that I realised I had to make a decision to either join him, or start to live my life again. My living children were missing their mother. I had to tell myself quite sternly that Anil died that day, NOT me. Believe me though I really hit bottom before I got to that point. Paula will probably remember as we were in another chat thread at that time.

I do JM, I was soooo worried for you, xoxoxo
Austin is our 1st and only (so far) child, and there was a day about 5wks after his birth/death, when DH & I were sitting on this cliff, the ocean was rough and we watched the waves smash against the cliff in silence. We were both thinking the same thing & we knew it. We looked at each other & said "If we're going to do it, we have to do it together".....scary moment in hindsight. But we made a decision right there to live on, to try to give Austin a sibling or two some day, to continue through the pain, as much as we would have liked to go join him.

I just really feel for those of you that are in the early days, they seem so dark and endless and hopeless, and hope that by sharing what I went through it may connect with something you're feeling in some way.
:iagree:

And thankyou Paula for all your support both back in the early days and again now.

:hugs: You are so welcome, you have a special place in my heart xoxo

Min- Give your body time, it has to clear out, you'll get there. After the birth I took 3wks to go through the "3 stages", then my period came the 4th wk. It went pretty normal after that, although the first 3 cycles was super super heavy bleeding. Then last cycle I think I had a chem or m/c, not sure, so now I'm all stuffed up again :thumbsdown:

:o Sorry if I blab on too much! :ecomcity:

simba6

07-11-2010, 13:33

Hi ladies,

Am so very sorry to know there are so many of us out there :hugs:i lost my baby boy Will in Jan 08,i must say this far on, i have come along way, still have bad days, or moments when the tears just come, or a memory of him will pop into my head, but i must say i feel as though i have come a long way in the last couple of years,the pain will never go away,the days will just get easier to cope with, i have accepted what has happened,and have drawn more love,and strength and appreciation for life from one little boy in the time that i carried him and held him then in my entire life,i know we are all in different stages of grief and am glad that we can be there for each other and help each other through, there is no right or wrong amount of time this takes, it's all day by day,and i hope each day makes everyone a little stronger, we are all proud parents of our angles,and my love goes to all of you and your families :crying:

2girls&1angelboy

08-11-2010, 15:05

I hope this pain never goes away, I feel like I deserve every bit of it. I was suppose to keep kane safe, and help him grow into this world and I failed at that. Kane is suppose to be kicking around inside me right now growing stronger each day.
I deserve every bit of pain and tears for lil Kane
Im so sorry lil man xxx

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

08-11-2010, 19:54

I'm so sorry Tamara, I remember so vividly being in the place you are now. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. One day I hope you can come to a place where you can forgive yourself. Not that I think you did anything wrong at all, but I know you feel you have, and you need to make peace with yourself over that. In a way I don't think we ever do completely, but to the degree it's possible...

My Aunty who lives in Western Australia is over for a visit and was at my mum's so I dropped by with my boys for a quick visit. I was chatting away when she complimented me on how great I seem after all I've been through and that she hadn't expected it. I didn't show it but that upset me. Because I worry she'll think it wasn't a big deal to me, or that I'm "over it." When the truth is I'll never be over it. But I've learnt now to lock it away when I need to. I don't let myself think about him or feel my grief because I know I can't function if I do. It's my mask I wear, especially at work. I hate that they think I'm doing well. Does that make sense? I thought you guys may understand...

PA80

08-11-2010, 22:05

:hugs:Oh Tamara, its such a bloody hard road to walk....I'm so sorry you have joined us in the knowledge of such aching pain.
But sweety, in time, you will come to experience days that don't hurt so bad, and if you're like me, you might feel guilty to the point of being sick that you felt ok, even if just for a minute. But please don't beat yourself up when these moments come, you need them to take a breathe, and gather up your energy. You have other children who need their mummy, just like JM. I'm sure she can relate to that side of things well. JM is spot-on, you eventually need to forgive yourself, and stop blaming you.
You are not to blame for your son's death.
I don't even know you, and I know that you would have done ANYTHING, that you love him more than words can describe, so imagine how much he felt & knew his mummy's love.
We all have those thoughts, but we can't turn back time & save our babies. We have to live on for them. As hard as it is, don't drag yourself further under with those thoughts, think of the good times, the kicks, the smiles Kane brought to your face, the love you shared as mother & baby.
We know your days are dark and horrendously painful, we know it well, and we are here for you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

JM I am so proud of how far you have come sweetie, the strength and growth you have achieved is amazing of the last few months! :highfive:
I know exactly what you mean, I have this feeling a lot. But I think it is a coping strategy, we have the times when we are inconsolable and an emotional write-off, but we have to keep living, so we find a way of coping and keeping it in the depth of our hearts for periods of time. I find I need to have a big blubbery loose-the-plot type of cry session at least every 2wks, just to maintain my coping ability at work etc, plus numerous little cry's in between.

It was a struggle at work today, this lady came in with a baby boy, he would have been about 4-6mths old, and I had to keep serving her, I almost lost it afterwards, plus my new workmates don't know the whole story & have no idea how sensative I am to this kind of situation, they probably didn't even register that it would be difficult for me :crying:

Hi Simba, thx for popping in, its nice to hear from someone who's a bit further down this road of grief, I hope you continue to offer us insight as its very encouraging to hear that it is possible to live through this painful mess we find ourselves in. :hugs:

Min- how are you today?

Min1111

09-11-2010, 05:46

Tamara I feel for you being down this low at the moment but Kane would want you to look after yourself and his Sisters and Dad. As hard as it is to drag yourself up the rest of your family need you. As much as you need their hugs and love they need yours. Though you feel the pain most strongly they are hurting too and seeing you so low would be heartbreaking for them to watch.
Don't let that brain win! I am currently not very good friends with mine. All day it whispers all of those guilty negative thoughts and I am sure it always will but I won't them win.
You don't need to go through this alone. Pick up the phone today and speak to a counsellor. This should be your number 1 priority.

JM- I know what you mean about comments like that. I have always been the type of person who worries what other people think so that's throwing a heap of extra guilt on this. I am sure in my case people would think I don't care or I am not effected because of my public face. I too am a blocker in public.
For the most part I can hold it together but I need to let the tears come out if they want to. It's at home where I am a bit of a mess. Random crying and all that. Sort of sad that all the crap I have been through earlier in my life gave me these skills but I always wondered why I had to go through that stuff in my life and I guess now it has a purpose. A psychologist once told me I am one of the best blockers he has seen and at the time I thought well at least I am good at something.
PA- I am hanging in there. Had a big crying day yesterday . One of my staff got a phone call that a grandparent had died so I needed to deal with that and take her home. She was one of the ones who hadn't spoken to me about what happened to me so we had that conversation while I was driving her.
She said to me that I was unbelievably strong to be functioning as well as I am. I told her it was all a facade because at home I was a mess.
I also had 2 of my Managers come to visit and I told them if I had some paid leave left I would take it because most days I really didn't want to be there. At least they understand me now. My pregnant staff member has also asked them for a transfer because she doesn't feel comfortable around me. We will see how that one plays out.
Ok need to go have a cry before work so I will check back in with you ladies when I get home. Posting from on my iPod so hopefully I won't lose all this.
Min

missymoo9

09-11-2010, 18:41

I had a MAJOR breakdown yesterday i think having my second son really brought back so awful memories, i mean of course im still really heartbroken and emotional about my first bubba but its made worse by the memories of what id call " birth rape" although it wasnt during his actual birth but before the series of events have affected me beyond belief and i think ill always be traumatised :-(

Super Trooper

09-11-2010, 23:50

Hi girls, just wanted to say hi... i lost my baby girl Violet at 35weeks on the 15th oct 2009, her 1st birthday has just passed. Yeah im still messed up.

I dont even know what feelings i want to vent, i guess i just want to touch base with others who have experienced stillbirth. My ex was a douche and we broke up when i was about 28weeks pregnant, i still blame the stress he caused me for the loss of Violet. He wasnt there for the birth nor did he ever offer me any support. I have a new partner now and he is fantastic, but he just wasnt in my life at the time and wasnt her father and so doesnt really understand what ive been thru. No one irl truly does :gloomy:

Min1111

10-11-2010, 05:39

Missymoo and no.1 so sorry for both your losses :(
Missy do you have another thread somewhere? I haven't read your story. I can't even imagine how bittersweet it would be with a new bub after a still birth. ATM I still struggle with the thought of even jumping on the TTC rollercoaster again.
Congrats on you new bub I am sure your Angel bub will be looking over both of you.
No1- glad to see you on our little thread.
This thread feels like a bit of a home for me now, I didn't feel like I fitted in any other thread. So sorry you had to just go through the due date I hope you had lots of support to help you through it. Glad you have a supportive partner now. While he can never truly understand your loss I am sure he would hate to see you in pain.
I have until March to figure out how to cope with that one. It will be extra tough cause bub was due the day after my birthday. Not sure if I will ever have a fun birthday for The rest of my life.
Yesterday I was messing with myself to see what things I am super sensitive too. I failed on all counts I don't even consciously cry anymore tears just flow down my face. I attempted looking at a newborn ( I usually look away) looking at baby books in a bookstore ( same result) and reading my due date thread ( happy for them but so heartbreaking).
I am at the point where other people are moving on and I am still stuck in grief. I understand everyone grieves differently but it's a very lonely place.
Ok better get ready for work, it's getting harder every day to get up and go there.
Min

PA80

10-11-2010, 09:35

:hugs: Hi lovely mummy's
I just wanted to quickly pop in & give you all a big hug
I hope today is kind on you, please go easy on yourselves
I'll come back tonight to chat more, but have to get to work now, although I'd rather stay in bed; I'm feeling very unwell today :( :barf:
xoxo
Paula

Super Trooper

10-11-2010, 09:35

Thanks Min :hugs: so sorry for your loss too :hugs:

Its heartbreaking to read through the previous posts, but also comforting that others have felt so many things, especially the guilt and blaming their bodies the way i have :(

Min my birthday is also forever ruined, Violet was born 10 days before my birthday, and was due approx 3 weeks after it... not a fun time to be in right now.

I want to have another baby so bad, I was so ready to be bringing a new baby home, even tho it wasnt under the best circumstances.. and its all ive wanted to do again for the last year.

I love my new partner and he truly is wonderful, he is the most kind and gentle and giving selfless person ive ever met.. he wants me to move in with him in january, and i want to... but part of me is scared that im only making this relationship work so well because i want another baby so bad and i know he will give me one in the not too distant future...im finding it really difficult to know if i love him for him, or because he would make the best husband and father and he is so good with DD1 and my best chance of having another baby relatively soon :confused:

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

10-11-2010, 20:07

no.1 and Min I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm sorry I can't stay on now but just wanted to touch base. We're coming up to 6 months since we lost our little boy and the emotions are running high. 6 months ago he was still kicking inside me. 7 days from today will be 6 months since I last felt him.

2girls&1angelboy

10-11-2010, 20:17

i know what you mean about birthdays no1bub Kane was born 2days b4 my birthday i cant ever imagine being to celebrate my bday ever again

PA80

10-11-2010, 21:34

:wave: Hi & welcome no1bub, its great that you've found a lovely new man in your life....is it worth you seeing a counsellor / phycologist to sort your feelings for him out, before you take the next step? You'll probably find you do love him for him, but that way you wouldn't be wondering, and that would be much healthier for your relationship.:valentine:

Missymoo- how are you doing today? Do you mind me asking- are you traumatised by what took place before your baby's birth? Have you sought any help for this trauma? I think losing a baby is probably one of the worst things that can happen to someone, any added trauma would be so hard to bear.:hugs:

JM- :hugs:as we approach 6mths on this road together. My Austin would have been 6mths old in 6 days time if he were born alive :angel:. He was born 1 day shy of 1 mth after my b'day, just a few weeks after my very 1st mothers day. This time 6mths ago my life was very different, if only it were different now, and I had my sweet boy here with me :gloomy:
Something else wierd, Austin was born breech, just like me, and born at 31wks, just like me, he was born 30yrs and 28 days after me. I lived against the odds, he passed away without even knowing there was a problem inside me.:crying: Its not fair.

Min- glad you feel 'at home' here, please don't push yourself too hard with the daily challenges, its so fresh for you still xoxo

In response to the birthday comments today, here's my 2 cents; things will never be the same again, and although you may feel now like you can never celebrate your birthdays again, I don't think that is what my son would want his mum to do....sure everything is tainted, dates that never mattered, your world now revolves around, me too, but live your life filled with pride of your sweet baby's.

missymoo9

10-11-2010, 22:45

I suffered a great deal of trauma before his birth yes. Heres the "before"

Out of know where i started bleeding and terrible contractions, taken to the nearest hospital where there where no birth facilities at all but it was much closer. I see the triage nurse get told to wait in the waiting room there were no other patients i was in so much pain just trying to figure out how to sit that would minimise the pain. Finally get taken to a room where i lay on the bed check bubs hb with a doppler it was so strong and perfect. They do an ultrasound everything looked good. Im still laying there in pain not knowing what was going on, at no point did they say i was in labour and being young and my first pregnancy i had no clue. The doctor came in with a try of instruments asked my mum abd partner to step out of the room. I was then told to position my legs as if i was getting a pap smear, i did they started to do an internal with a speculum and straight away i said stop your hurting to which the nurses said "if you were relaxed it wouldnt hurt" and they held my legs down. The doctor continued and i was crying and saying stop over and over and with one rough forceful push of the speculum i felt a warm gush of water and was in shock and started crying more i asked if my baby was ok and was told "probably not" they pulled the speculum out and the doctor pushed his hand inside me to continue the internal while im crying pleading for him to stop and trying to crawl away while laying on my back. The doctor finally pulled his hand out and i whispered to send my mother and dp in. Where i then struggled to talk to tell him our son had died. Dp was so upset and started swearing, the doctor had walked out as my mother and dp walked in. The nurse checked for a hb and there was nothing :( they started organising an ambulance to take me to the hospital where i was booked in, one of the men who was taking me introduced himself and his name was Christian, what we decided to call our son..... i had to get off the bed to hop on to the ambulance bed as i stood up blood dripped everywhere. I was laying there on the ambulance bed silent with tears running down my face, i didnt notice anything around me i didnt even notice i had a canular put in.

That was what happened before the birth. We made a formal complaint to the hospital and received a letter a few weeks later saying my account of events never happened, we didnt seek a lawyer or take it further it looked like a losing battle and it was such an emotional time. One of the people who investigated the complaint organised a meeting with the head gyno at that hospital, the meeting was nothing like we expected. Upon arrival we notified the receptionist we were there and from then on we received nothing but stares, dirty looks while nurses talked quietly and looked at us, in the meeting i was bullied, i was told i have issues because i was still upset by the events (4) weeks after it happened and the doctor then started complaining about easter and peoples driving! Why did i go to the meeting?? I wish i would of fought harder for justice for my baby looking back i failed him. I really did.

Ive talked to many social workers, councillors, doctors and midwives.... its not helped.

PA80

10-11-2010, 23:53

Oh Missymoo, that is so so horrible. I can't believe things like that can happen and the mongrels all look out for each other, and you the most important one in all of it, gets bullied and treated so inhumanely. OMG That's totally disgusting on that hospital's part, and so horrendously upsetting. I get what you mean by birth rape now. That must have been hugely traumatic. I am so so sorry.

We could have had a case against my doctor for her actions, or more lack of, in the lead up to Austin's death, but we decided not to, as we figured they would cover each other's bums, and we would be left in an emotional heap, still without our son. Its so unfair. I didn't want to sue, as no amount of money could make this ok. She just better hope I never see her again. Its all such BS. I still believe Austin didn't have to die, he could have been safe in my arms if my doctor was worth 1/2 the piece of paper her qualification is printed on.

I'm so sorry, :hugs:
You haven't let your little Christian down, he would be so proud of your strength to even try to stand up and fight, in such horrendous cicumstances. You are so brave.

:bee: To our sweet angel babies :angel:

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

11-11-2010, 10:12

Missymoo - how do people like that sleep at night? I will never understand how they can have no compassion at all. Losing your baby is devestating already, and then the way you were treated on top of that. I agree with Paula though, ANY attempt to fight for your son after going through that was beyond brave.

Paula - does the last 6 months feel like they've gone fast or slow for you? I can't decide. It seems like a lifetime ago now that I was happily pregnant, I don't even know the person I was anymore, I'm so completely changed from her. On the other hand, I feel like the first 4 months or so after losing Anil are just a big blank in my life, I struggle to remember anything of that time.

The other reason it's hugely emotional is because I made a pact with myself. When I wanted to die and was making plans to go through with it but felt guilty about doing that to my living children, I promised myself that if I got to 6 months after his death and I still felt as bad, I would let myself do it guilt free. Things have improved and we've made so many positive changes so it's not something I'd consider anymore, but still it's scary approaching the deadline.

Losing Anil has given us a totally different outlook on life, I think we are more authentic now. And we don't take anything for granted. I also have a lot more courage to speak up about things and stand up for myself. I think losing him made me just not care about so much, like what people think about me - it's just meaningless now.

PA80

11-11-2010, 20:52

JM- I dont know really, in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, or maybe its that I feel like I've experienced a lifetime's worth of emotion. But other days it feels like I was pregnant yesterday.
You have come so far in recent months JM, you should be so proud of yourself :highfive:, your strength now is so evident.
Its funny, I think I actually feel more comfortable in my skin now than ever, maybe its the pride I have in being Austin's mum, having given birth naturally when I shouldn't have been able to, going through the birth experience etc?? But I don't care what people think so much either, I have grown so much in 6 months. I agree, I'm also more couragous and take nothing for granted. I see things differently now in terms of what really matters, what's important, what's worth taking up my time with, as life is evidently more fragile than I ever knew.

Missymoo- your birth story has really rocked me, I am so horrified that you were treated that way. :hugs:

missymoo9

11-11-2010, 22:18

Jm - you are so amazingly strong, to hold yourself up and be a mother to your children after such an event! Im so happy things have improved, i remember reading your story, :(

PA - can you tell me a bit about your story? If your comfortable doing so.

Id hate to think what it would of been like if i already had a child or children to have to be strong for and a mother to when i lost my baby. I couldnt of done it, it would of been too much to take.

I just wanted to say after i was transferred to my maternity hospital i was treated so nicely and the staff were amazing.

PA80

11-11-2010, 22:29

I wear a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

:angel::angel::angel::angel::angel:

2girls&1angelboy

11-11-2010, 22:37

Going to organise Kanes plaque tomorrow and pay for his service, going to be a long morning then im going to attempt again to go out to see him.
Got the photos back from Kanes service today they were done so nicely. I have brought more things for Kane. I felt like breaking down in town, everyone i came across that spoke to me I put on the happy face and say i was fine.but deep down all i wanted to do was cry and scream at them no im not fine

PA80

11-11-2010, 22:44

MissyMoo- I'm happy too, below is a copy of the story I wrote on my due thread. But before any of that happened, I had been to see my doc (GP, as was doing shared care :thumbsdown:) at 30 weeks, and raised my concerns about losing 500g when we should have been gaining rapidly, I'd felt strange but couldn't pinpoint it, I'd had dizzy moments and seen stars, my belly was small. I was told by the imbecile doctor that bubs are the right size for their mums, and b-coz I'm slim its fine, she measured my fundal height, failed to notice my ever rising BP, and sent me on my way. The conceited sonographer who checked my placenta a week earlier, who had "over 30 years experience" :hissy:, said my lil man was small but thats all.

Members Name: Paula Andrews (PA80)
Bubs Name: Austin Edward Andrews
Date of Birth: 16.05.2010
EDD: 15.07.2010
Time of Birth: 4.20 pm
Bubs Weight: 1020g
Bubs Length: 41cm
Bubs Head Circumference: 26cm
Details of birth: Still-born at Kalgoorlie Regional Hospital

:angel:First born son of Lee & Paula.

We knew him as "Little", as he played in my womb, we loved him from the moment we knew he was there back on the 8th of November last year. We were trying to concieve and it only took 6 months, we were so excited and full of joy and expectation.
I've never seen a guy as full of pride and excitement as my darling husband Lee, and everyone could see it, he has been bursting with love for "Little" the entire pregnancy.

The pregnancy was going surprisingly smoothly given some potential issues my body presented, but none of things were having any ill-effect, other than expecting a CS at time of delivery. Little was a very active bub in my tum, we enjoyed playing 'kick my finger' and I loved chatting & singing silly songs to him.

At 19wks we discovered he was a boy, and felt very connected to him knowing who was in there. Two weeks ago we decided for certain on his name....Austin Edward.

At 29 weeks we had an extra scan, just to check that my placenta had moved to a good position, after initially being a little bit low lying. The sonographer informed us "Little" was a bit undersized based on averages, but apparently not a concern. I mentioned this to my doc, as I had also stalled in weight gain, then lost about 400g in a week.

On Friday last week, I became concerned about lack of movement from my little man, but wasn't sure, as he had spun around with his limbs pointing inwards. In this position I knew I could feel less than with his limbs poking out.
Saturday morning I felt nothing. I began to freak out, but didn't want to be over-reactive. When my hubby returned from work at midday, I told him my concerns, we rang the hospital and they suggested having some lunch, then heading in for a check.

I was calm on arrival at the maternity ward, and was promptly seen to by a midwife, who tried to find a pulse. She couldn't find one, and then I began to panic but thought the worst was impossible. She contacted the OB who came to do an ultrasound. Little Austin was confirmed gone, resting in God's arms before he was born.

Because he was 31.4 wks, a delivery and registered birth followed.
My labour was induced Saturday night, and contractions began. This continued through to Sunday. After about 5 hours of actual hard labour from Sunday lunchtime, Austin was born at 4.20pm.

The midwives were nothing but awesome, we were given all the time, privacy, love, support and comforting words we needed. We bathed him, cuddled him, snuggled in bed with him, cried over him, looked at all his perfect tiny features....half mum, half dad.

On Monday it was time for us to leave the hospital with empty arms, and broken hearts spilling with the most incredible love.

Pre-Eclampsia (severe) is said to be the cause of his death. We don't know why this happened, with virtually no symptoms. But what we will have is the knowledge that our perfect little man Austin, only ever knew love.

We love you little man, forever in our hearts. We will miss you always, and never forget how you have changed us. Until we meet again, rest peacefully in the warm arms of God, and your grandma, with your uncle and cousins looking on Xoxoxoxoxo mum & dad :angel:

PA80

11-11-2010, 23:57

Here's a link to my photos of Austin, if anyone's interested.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=5689143&id=668456373#!/album.php?aid=170807&id=668456373

Min1111

12-11-2010, 05:53

Missy- your story is so painful. I am sorry anyone would have to go through that but especially someone like you so looking forward to being a Mum.
Paula- likewise so sad for both of you to experience that. The poem you posted sums it up nicely. I am glad for you that you have so many memories especially the ones of Austin moving inside you. I think that's the best feeeling in the world.
Tamara- I hope your grief is more manageable for you in the last day or so. You show great strength to face those people in the street. I hate facing people I haven't seen face to face very few respond the way I want them too.
JM- you are amazing to have had such a big turn around. At that point you decided to wait you gave your family the greatest gift ever, you.

Someone mentioned they thought this kind of grief would be harder to go through with other kids. When I was providing support to one of my staff the other day she said to me it would be worse to go through what I have than what she is. I told her there is no comparison with anyones grief because it's all relative to you and how you can cope with stuff. How long you have or haven't known the person who has died or how they died doesn't make it more or less sad than someone else it's just different.
My whole life I watched my Grandmother mourn her eldest daughter who died of pneumonia at 18 months of age. On important dates we would visit the cemetery together and the sadness in my Grandmothers eyes I will never forget. I always hoped i would never truly understand it. They are both buried there now together and I take my daughter to visit. I really wish I had my grandmother to get me through but she is my greatest example of how to keep moving with your life but never forgetting. Her other 4 children will never forget their sister most of whom were born after she died. I have a fairly good idea who is looking after my baby and he is in excellent loving hands.
Ok really late for work now but at least it's Friday.
Min

2girls&1angelboy

12-11-2010, 21:34

I went and got my hair done today DP told me too. Its black with red foils?highlights all over.

Went and paid for Kanes service wasnt as much as we thought it would be. Just have to organise his plaque.

PA80

12-11-2010, 23:18

:highfive: Well done Ilove, its such a hard time for you right now. You're doing well, xoxox

:wave: Hi everyone, hope your days have been ok, :hugs:

I've been working at a trade show, still have two more days of it to go, and I know I'm sensative and notice much more than I used to, but there just seemed to be prams, babies, pregnant women everywhere, in what should probably be a male dominated setting....I just couldn't stop thinking "Its so easy for everyone else, you just get preggas and have a baby, why can't it be that simple for me?" I have always loved watching dads play with their kids, but now I can't decide if i love it or its killing me to see it. A bit of both I guess. I just want a baby of my own, alive and safe, and here with me :crying: I want my DH to be able to play with our kids, show them stuff. Like tonight I drove past this oval filled with little boys playing auskick footy, and thought "I wonder what sports Austin would have liked?"

Min1111

13-11-2010, 07:48

Ilove- hope you are liking the new hair . I really should do something with mine. Hope you are feeling a bit better this week.
PA- I know what you mean about babies every where. The area I live in has one if the highest birth rates in NSW so you can't walk through a shopping centre without seeing them every where.
I hope you do get UTD soon. Fingers Crossed for you.
Yesterday was one of the worst days so far and everything happened at work.
I found my pregnant staff member crying so I took her outside for a chat.
She broke down and said she was really uncomfortable being around me because I didn't have my baby and she had hers.
She said she was really upset about what happened to me and it was making her fear for her own baby. I told her I wanted her to be happy and talk to the other girls about her baby but I just can't be a part of that at the moment. It's something I need to work on but she needs to work on her own feelings too.
I told her she needs to cling to every second of joy she can have with her baby because you never know when that joy might be gone.
I told her to ask me any questions she had and yes I probably would cry but she and I can't control that. Talking about it is better than not talking about it.
Then she asked me to tell her what had happened so we went through that.
After we talked I couldn't stop crying one of my managers was visiting so she took me for a coffee and she told me I should have some more time off. So now I am considering if I should.
I wish this would get easier.
Yay for weekends.
Min

2girls&1angelboy

13-11-2010, 12:58

PA i cannot see your photos. mine are on private but i use the link at the bottom of photo or bottom of album

Min i know about other peole around i have 6 friends that are due around the same time and its so hard.
I love to talk about Kane i want to think of him as i did with my girls the only part is he isnt actually here :(

Ive been so dissy the last two days mainly because i have hardly eaten i just find it so hard to do i have no appitite and if i do i just feel guilty. im already down to under my weight i was b4 I feel preg with kane i was 49kg.

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

13-11-2010, 14:42

Paula - I couldn't see your photos either but would love to see what little Austin looked like.

I get really angry sometimes at the unfairness of it. Did anyone else hear on the news about the 57yr old who had twins through IVF. Now for all I know she has tried for years and years for those babies, but my first reaction was anger that at 57years old her babies were perfectly healthy, while I, at my age and in good health, lost my son. Then don't get me started on all the unwanted pregnancies.

Tamara - I got my hair cut short very shortly after losing Anil. I found it theraputic, and also liked that there was at least something to symbolise how completely changed I was. I also wear a chain with the letter A on it and am thinking of adding a little angel pendant. And I got a tattoo of his name added to the ones of my other sons. How are your girls handling everything? Do they ask about Kane?

First time I went out where friends of ours with babies were after losing Anil DS didn't mention anything till we got back to the car when he asked me "Mummy, why do they all get to keep their babies and we couldn't keep ours?" Broke my heart, especially since part of me had been wondering the same thing.

Min1111 - as hard as it may be for your staff member, surely she must realise it doesn't even compare to what you're going through. One of my closest friends was due within days of me. I did feel badly for her about how it would have made her worry - and also that where she should have had me there all excited for her, she may have felt the need to avoid talking about her pregnancy so much around me. Thing is she tried for 5years for her baby...so she was very understanding of the feelings I was going through, and the anger and bitterness. There were no expectations over what I would or wouldn't do during her pregnancy or once her son was born. Honestly if I were in your position I wouldn't have been able to console that staff member...justified or not all that would have been running through my head is - 'what the hell is your problem, you have your baby!!!!!'

I've had two people offended by my inability to answer the phone or leave the house or talk to anyone at all in the first couple of months after my son died. I really don't care. Because if they can't see past themselves to realise that my reaction to losing my son WAS NOT ABOUT THEM then that is the height of selfishness. My SIL is making issues over it, she even got put onto the phone to me the other night and was going on and on about how much I'd upset her by not answering calls back then (this was the first time I'd spoken to her since she told me to 'take more care next time') and I just kept repeating over and over - 'that was months ago, and you know there was a valid reason.' She actually dared to say something along the lines of 'you can't just keep using that reason.' Actually I can.

Thankyou for those that have mentioned my strength, I have fought hard to be here and to turn my life into something positive and meaningful. I don't know if I've mentioned it in here but I fell pregnant again 3 months after losing Anil, then miscarried that baby on Anil's due date, 14th September. That was another turning point. I knew it could pull me right back under to the despair and hopelessness. Especially as the miscarriage continued to be drawn out for another month afterwards (incomplete, ignorant doctors kept delaying D&C etc etc). So I put in a lot of effort every day to focusing on the positive, to seeing what I have, in making plans for the future. And at the worst I always remind myself - Anil died that day, NOT me. (oh and my Grandma died a month after Anil).

Just been thinking New Years Day is going to be a tough one. It was the day we found out I was pregnant with Anil. We thought it was an awesome omen for a spectacular year. Little did we know it would be the hardest year of our lives. Scared to find what next year will bring.

Emzy78

15-11-2010, 00:25

Hi Everyone,
This feels like the place I need to be.
I'm sorry to hear about the losses you have all experienced.
2 weeks ago tonight our son of 19+5 was born sleeping after having a strong healthy heartbeat for 6 days after my waters unexpectedly broke while going to the toilet.
Everyone at the hospital was great, we didnt have to wait in emergency, they took me straight through and then up to maternity where all the staff were amazing. After being there for 4 days and having had no more fluid loss or bleeding everyone was getting a little more positive and his heartbeat was strong and constant and then on that horrible afternoon everything changed, things moved and the cord emerged. Then began the worst 18 hours of our lives.
We had wanted this baby so much. We had been TTC for 18 months before starting IVF, which was hard enough seeing that we had to be away from home for 3 weeks as it is not offered in the town we live in. It was our first cycle and it was a BFP, we were so happy! DP was nervous but excited as well, he said good morning to my growing bump every morning and now its all gone.

Everyday is a struggle and I thought we were having some good moments until my mat leave approval letter arrived in the mail and bought it all back again. Going back to work feels so trivial and trying to get my head araound the fact that I have to be there next year instead of on mat leave is eating away at me.
The other moment that was hard was when DP had to start night shift last night and I had to be on my own for the first time. I was also really nervous for him as he works at the hospital where it all happened and you can see on his face when he comes home that he is just devestated and i feel so hopless becasue i cant make it better and that it was my stupid body that has let us all down.

I havent been out of the house much or seen anyone. We live in a smallish town and know a fair few people and im just not ready to hear everyones little piece of advice or story.

However, I am also slightly angry! This may be very trivial but it is so frustrating is that my DP's ex has reared her ugly head. They seperated 5 plus years ago and she is now married with a DD of her own. But she took it upon herself to send us a card saying that if we needed anything just to ask and that our DS would be looked after in heaven by her DB who is there also! I really couldnt give a damm and what business is it of hers! She then followed up with a text saying she was going shopping, did we need anything. I dont get it! Everyone else has respected our wish for privacy but her!

Thanks for providing a place like this and for listening to me rant, I hope you all have a least 1 smile tomorrow.
Emzy

DP and Me both 32

:angel: DS born sleeping 31st October 2010 :angel:

Min1111

15-11-2010, 05:33

Oh Emzy,
So sorry to hear about your loss and everything you are going through.
It is horrible to go through the whole IVF circus to end up with no baby.
I totally understand what you mean about work I was planning on resigning after mat leave now I am stuck there.
I also understand what you mean about facing people. I have already done a lot of the facing and I am not sure if the people who look at you with pity or the people who try and ignore that it happened are worse. When you are ready you will find some people who are also great say the right things and want to know if you are OK.
The whole ex business is not what you need right now. You just need to let her know the best thing for both of you is for her to respect your privacy and let you grieve. Otherwise she may be a useful outlet for the anger part of grief.
You will always have us to vent to as you struggle through.

Has anyone else noticed we all had boys?
Min

PA80

15-11-2010, 09:07

:hugs: Welcome Emzy, I'm so sorry you have lost your little boy too. Its such a hard road. I feel the same about the fact that it was totally my body that let my boy down, no fault of DH and nothing wrong with my sweet lil man. Its so hard.
And yes, you realise that your job is just a job, and really holds no menaing in your life, its completely trivial, like a lot of things become after experiencing this pain.

I was about to mention that we've all lost sons.

I'm having a rough day.... 6mths ago today, my nightmare became a reality, worse than my worst fears were served up to me & DH, as we were told our son was gone.
Tomorrow I sadly celebrate his 6 mth birthday.
I've spent the whole w'end at a trade show, surrounded by families, babies and pg women....I feel disgusted at my envy, but I stared at each and every one of them. I want a family so much. :hissy:

Here's the link to my pics: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=170807&id=668456373&l=8bae54effd

Min1111

15-11-2010, 11:22

Paula,
Totally sharing your tears at the moment and no idea how I will get through any of the important dates.
You are showing so much strength to stick out the trade show with so many babies around. I think envy is my middle name at the moment.
I hope one day I will be brave enough to even consider TTC again like you. I am petrified of the thought at the moment.
Having a bad day too left work early as the tears had no off switch again.
I had to ring the hospital this morning to see when my follow up appointment was booked for. I finally got through on the 6 th attempt and found no next appt has been booked . Then she said 'are you still pregnant?' I said 'no my baby was stillborn' she said ' ok then we are really busy so I will call you later to make an appointment'
While I fully believe living babies are more important it would have taken 30 seconds to book me in and be done . I know they will never ring back and I will just keep having to ring them. I just want to know if anything in the 14 vials of blood they took tell me why my baby died.
Can't stop crying and wish this was all a bad dream.
Min

2girls&1angelboy

15-11-2010, 12:04

PA austin is absolutely gorgeous xxx

PA80

15-11-2010, 15:11

Thanks girls, Ilove- thx I think so too [smiling proud mummy smiles:cloud9:]

I've just been sent home from work, a blubbering mess.....I was struggling so much to hold it together all morning, then in came the financial advisor bloke about my new superannuation and life insurance etc, he started asking me all these detailed questions about my health conditions and all the pregnancy -birth related issues, and since....I very nearly lost it and was about to walk out on his questions & paperwork....stupid things like don't commit suicide in the next 13 mths, as you wont get paid out....have you had any depression or stress related issues....well what do you reckon idiot? It was too much, and it tipped my over the little edge I was delicately trying to balance on. I went outside to call DH & one of my workmates saw me crying & sent me home.

Min- we had a similar experience with check up after, went back to see the OB a meer 5 wks after, to get the usual check, which according to him was nothing....and he says, so what are you here for? "Do you not remember delivering me the worst news of my life? Do you not remember handing me my sleeping son after a horrible labor that almost saw me joining my son?" They can be so insensative. :hugs: to you.

Min1111

15-11-2010, 16:35

I can't do the emoticons from the iPod but hugs right back.

Took myself to visit my grandmas grave after I left work. Stood there in the pouring rain bawling my eyes out and asked her to look after my baby boy. Not sure if she was sending me a message but right after that a tiny spider came out of my umbrella and dangled in front of my face.
How can we possibly produce this many tears in one day?

2girls&1angelboy

15-11-2010, 19:37

Has anyone else had a particular food they can only eat.

I don't like feel I can eat anything most of the time but know I have too and I only have one thing I want to eat and that is the Nannas apple crumble with a tiny bit of icecream

Min1111

15-11-2010, 19:49

The only thing I want to eat is chocolate nothing else seems to have taste.
I am quite happy to not eat at meal times and usually if no one else is around I will just not eat.

2girls&1angelboy

15-11-2010, 19:57

I'm the same i eat when my DD's are around more nibble. DP has noticed I haven't eaten as much and is being sweet and trying to suggest and make things he knows are my favourite not working but I love that he is doing that, that he does care especially since our past

PA80

15-11-2010, 23:45

I was like that in the beginning, I only ate a tiny bit of whatever was shoved at me, otherwise I wouldn't eat or drink at all. My parents came over from Melb when we found out Austin was gone, and were there for the delivery, and up to the funeral which was a week & a half later due to be regional at the time, and the autopsy had to be done in Perth. My mum did an awesdome job at keeping me alive those first weeks, I could barely manage to have a shower and dress, I saw no point. I stayed in PJ's and didn't leave the house at all for two weeks, execpt for the funeral. The world seemed such a frightening place, I couldn't face it. Thankfully, time does help this.

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

PS - I'm currently stuffing my sad face with timtams, xoxoxo

PA80

17-11-2010, 20:33

Hi awesome mummies,
How is everyone? Been quiet in here the last few days.....

AFM- I surived the 6mth anniversary, thanks for your kind support xoxox
I am warmly remembering my darling boy, as I face the next 6mths.

:hugs:

Min1111

17-11-2010, 21:14

PA you have handled these last few days with such grace. I hope I am that composed when I hit those big dates.
I am still deciding if I should have time off work. When I am emotional I think I should be off and when I am stable I think I am fine.
I think it is about time to see the psychologist soon. I have my first visit back to the hospital booked for 1st dec so hopefully the blood might give us some answers about what happened. I am going in prepared for no answers though.
At dinner tonight DD said I think I know why the baby died. So we waited for the answer and she told us maybe I didn't drink enough milk because babies like milk.
Seems as though I am not the only one trying to work out what went wrong.
Min

2girls&1angelboy

17-11-2010, 22:28

PA what you wrote was beautiful to/for your baby Austin xxx (((GBH)))
Min im not going back to work til after feb at this stage but that me i cant handle it yet
I seen the clinic nurse today who has given me details for someone she has recently been in touch with called Cherish so got the number now the hardest part making the phone call
I went and visited Kane today and went to sort out his plaque and took one of his outfits to the hospital for another precious bubba so been a very long tiring day
Im still not sleeping my eyes hurt so much im tempted to take the sleeping tablet even half tomorrow night b4 DP goes away from fri morning til monday night.

Min1111

18-11-2010, 05:21

I love - beautiful idea to give the outfit to the hospital for someone else.
I am going to donate a bear from Bears of Hope back to my hospital. The bear we received has been getting lots of hugs from all of us. It would have been much harder leaving the hospital without it.
I am sorry you still can't sleep. That's about the only thing I do want to do. Maybe the sleeping tablet is worth a try just don't take more than half in case your girls need you.
How are your girls coping?
Min

2girls&1angelboy

18-11-2010, 11:13

We got a bear as well a white one, Kane had some photos done with it.
Girls are going ok. back to thier normal full on selves.
Im totally exhausted today and i still have to go and pick up DD1 from school.

PA80

18-11-2010, 21:20

ilove- I had problems with sleep too...initially I slept well from the exhaustion, and then I couldn't sleep at all... I took sleeping pills for a few months, otherwise I would not have been able to cope dealing with the stress & grief, I would have gone nuts attempting it without sleep. I think my mind just went into overdrive and couldn't shut down, especially at night.

We got a little green bear from TLC through the hospital, we donate bears back at milestones. They have a really good resource pack with very helpful info in it too. (Google Teddy Love Club if you're interested)
I hold that bear tight all night, every night, we did pics of Austin with it too. Some sweet old ladies also made little quilts, we took pics of him on it, & now hubby hugs that at night :cloud9:
Min- IMHO I think you should take time off now. If you don't you may find it rears its head bigger & badder later, and then you may not have the understanding that you have now from your boss. Do it for you, a job is just a job, you need to take care of you now. Take the time, let yourself be enveloped in the grief, you need to almost embrace the grief, take it head on, don't squash it down and ignore it, it has to happen. The best you can do is grieve well, grieve healthily. Just my opinion :hugs:
Your DD is so sweet, sometimes there is no reason evident, but I hope you find some peace in the results.

:hugs: Go gently angel mummies :angel:

Min1111

18-11-2010, 21:59

We received the book from TLC I keep in my memory box. It was great I read it cover to cover while waiting for labour. It still has my tear marks on certain pages.
We also have one of those hand made quilts ours has an angel on it.
The bear however is constantly near DD it's good she has something to cling to as well.

Still not sure about the leave I was thinking first 2 weeks of dec but then I will only be back for one week before we go into shut down. So maybe I should just wait it out and Have extra time off over Xmas then I can spend it with DD.
I know I need and want the time just not sure if I need it alone or around others.

Good night all hope you manage some sleep.
Min

2girls&1angelboy

19-11-2010, 09:17

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

19-11-2010, 09:43

Oh my God Tamara, how did you respond!? Cannot even begin to describe the anger that brings, and it wasn't even said to me.

I'm sorry I haven't been on much, I've been having a pretty tough time leading up to 6 months. Sounds like it was hard on you too Paula. Austin is so beautiful, and he even had hair!!!

I'm struggling with the fact it just never goes away. You learn to live with it but it's always there. And I feel like I just need a breather from being the mum of a baby who isn't here. A good friend of mine did a photo shoot for my husband's cousin and her husband with their now 12 week old baby girl. It was so hard being there watching it all play out - the whole happy family scene. There were some shots done of their baby girl in a basket all snug with blankets. Then they went for a wander for more shots by the water and I stayed behind with all the gear. And all I could think looking at the empty basket was that's all I have. That would be my baby photo - an empty basket, like my empty heart, with my little boy missing.

Also friends I love talk about being clucky and how much they want a baby, and all I can think is you don't even know the start of it, how it is to want a baby when you should have that baby in your arms right now.

Further health issues have meant we now don't know when we'll be able to ttc again. It makes me so angry, that the time when I'll be able to hold a live baby in my arms seems to just become more and more an impossible dream.

I haven't been back to the counsellor since she implied my miscarriage was my fault. I just can't face her.

With all the mix of emotions and thoughts, it all comes back to this simple cry of my heart - I want my baby back. I want my baby boy. Babies belong with their mumma's, and mumma's belong with their babies. How can the world and my life ever be right again without him?

missymoo9

19-11-2010, 22:06

Hi ladies, PA your bubba boy is gorgeous!

Min-Grieve now, give yourself time dont worry about work. I wish i gave myself more time. And now its come back really bad, i didnt give myself the time i needed. Not that time will heal the pain.

Ilovemy- i cant believe someone said that to you!! I honestly think people dont understand unless they have experienced a loss of a baby.

We received a little quilt, a TLC teddy, a little outfit for him to wear and one to keep, we got a memory box, a tiny beanie.
And six weeks after we got a letter saying they had foot prints, photos and his hospital name bands in a memory folder for us.

I went to the doctors today to talk about my PTSD and she wants me to see a councillor who specialises in PTSD but ive got so much going on i dont think i have time to drive into town, spend time chatting abd drive home, let alone afford the sessions.

Min1111

19-11-2010, 23:30

Oh Ilove- I am so sorry you had to deal with that annoying person. I would have wanted to scream in her face.

JM- Not sure how you made it through that photo shoot. You should see if you can go to someone else for counselling. I am really struggling to understand how some people can just have absolutely no consideration for how it feels to grieve for a child.

It is a child from the second you know you are pregnant thats when you start loving and nurturing your baby as its mother.

To see your baby moving on the ultrasound with that little heart beating away and feel those kicks starting to come through then suddenly thats all gone. It breaks your heart into pieces that will never quite fit back together.

Looks like we have all had a a ****ty day.
To start I had one of the psychologists at work pop in to tell me how she was feeling really down today because she went to the funeral of someone she knows 10 year old who died of cancer. Immediately I expressed sympathy for the mother of that child who I have never met and how horrible it would be to go through that. The Psych then kept going on about how depressing it would be to lose a child and she felt lucky it had never happened to her.
While I wouldnt even attempt to compare my loss the that poor mother who buried her 10 year old I would expect that a psychologist would be sensitive enough to understand I am still greiving. I wanted to scream in her face that I wasnt as lucky as her and was currently living the nightmare of losing a child.

After that I had 2 of my supervisors drop in to tell me they were questioning my leadership as I am emotionally unstable and I shouldn't let my staff see me cry as it ruins morale.

Then they again told me I should choose to either take some time off to sort myself out or they could give me a lower level job on the same pay or otherwise if I chose to stay they would be very closely monitoring my performance to make sure my personal problems did not effect my leadership and team performance.

I responded by saying that I was sorry my grief was inconvenient for them but even if I took the next year off work I would still be a mother who is grieving a child and I will never be the same again. For the rest of my life I will have days where I am sad and times when I just start crying.

They told me if I was sad or down I should not attend work and my response was why should I do that when they could then just use that against me as proof of poor attendance and poor leadership.

I was ready to just resign and walk out the door on the spot. The whole drama is so not needed now and while I hate the job I need to keep the $ coming in.

I spoke to DH and decided I will go on leave from Dec 6 and go back after Xmas.
I might start applying for other jobs and just see if I have any luck.

Looking forward to not working for the next few days.

Min

PA80

19-11-2010, 23:37

Im so angry and upset right now i think alot of different emotions a girl i went to school with told me my son my just a piece of rubbish that he wasnt even a baby that i should get over it and grow up like people do when they have a miscarriage cause thats all it is.
That really got to me as miscarriages are just as bad as a stillborn or passing of a baby and my son is my son.
OMG :eek: If someone said that to me they would have a black eye. Far out I can't believe there are people like that! How utterly rude, insensative and ludicrous. What an imbecile. True, ppl can't truly understand until they've been through it, but that is far beyond lack of understanding! Don't let her get to you, you know your son is real, and so very very precious. Don't let anyone steal the pride you have in him. He's your son-you're his mum. Comments like hers make me furious.:shame:

I'm sorry I haven't been on much, I've been having a pretty tough time leading up to 6 months. Sounds like it was hard on you too Paula. Austin is so beautiful, and he even had hair!!!
:gloomy: Yes it's been a rough week. But feeling a bit better now. Thanks for looking at my boy, yeah I was totally shocked by his hair....I was expecting a baldie for sure! Haha he surprised me with that!

I'm struggling with the fact it just never goes away. You learn to live with it but it's always there.
:iagree:

Further health issues have meant we now don't know when we'll be able to ttc again. It makes me so angry, that the time when I'll be able to hold a live baby in my arms seems to just become more and more an impossible dream.
Our TTC is on hold too, it sucks when all we want is another baby. But I'm trying to keep my chip up and hoping next year will see me UTD :fingerscrossed: I hope you're ok, do you mind me asking whats wrong? You don't have to say if you don't want to xoxox:hugs:

I haven't been back to the counsellor since she implied my miscarriage was my fault. I just can't face her.

With all the mix of emotions and thoughts, it all comes back to this simple cry of my heart - I want my baby back. I want my baby boy. Babies belong with their mumma's, and mumma's belong with their babies. How can the world and my life ever be right again without him?
I can't believe a counsellor implied such a thing!:eek: What is going on there? Its so not your fault, how ridiculous.:shame: Shame on them.

Hi ladies, PA your bubba boy is gorgeous!
Thx :cloud9:

Min-Grieve now, give yourself time dont worry about work. I wish i gave myself more time. And now its come back really bad, i didnt give myself the time i needed. Not that time will heal the pain.
Missymoo, I am finding time the only thing that is really helping at all, but I think I have been grieving quite healthily. I let grief take me on its rollercoaster ride from hell, and try not to beat myself up. I cry when I need too, I laugh and smile when I can. And as time goes on, although its still relatively fresh, I do gradually feel like I am living with it better. Not that its necessarily easier, just taking on that this is my life now, I will always have this experience as part of me. But I wont let it ruin me either, as I know I have to be strong for my little man, I want to make him proud of his mummy.

Love to you all, :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
and kisses to our angel babies :kiss: :angel:

PA80

19-11-2010, 23:50

Oh Min, what a horrid day you've had sweet. :gloomy: I can't believe you didn't tell them to shove the job where the sun don't shine! (I think I would have LOL)

I can't believe how insensative people are, just because we didn't get to meet our babies outside our bodies while they were still alive, doesn't make it any less a mother grieving the death of her child. Why can't ppl see that? It makes me frustrated that stillbirths are still such a taboo topic in our society, that we are left feeling misunderstood, and ppl are expecting us to just get on with life. :hissy:
After I broke down at work the other day (first time I've done that at new job) no-one has said anything, no-one asked if I was ok the following day, they all just pretend like its nothing, get on with it. I can't stand it. I feel like screaming at them "My son is dead, don't you get it?" I hate that its like he doesn't exist in their minds. It makes me feel ill.

Min I think you deserve a new job. :fingerscrossed: you find something better really soon :hugs:

I'm really not looking forward to christmas, it should have been Austin's 1st, and his 1st family camping trip :gloomy::santa::thumbsdown:
I just want to skip the whole thing, hide in a cave until its over.

Min1111

20-11-2010, 07:40

PA- hope you can find a way through Xmas.
It will be a tough day especially if you have to see family as well.

Not sure while people do the whole ignoring thing either. Of I see someone with tears running down their face I want to know if they are OK.
I guess they just don't want to make themselves feel uncomfortable but by ignoring it the uncomfortableness is worse.

Hope everyone is doing OK today.
Min

tired*mummy

20-11-2010, 11:53

Hi ladies...
Sending :hugs: to everyone. I'm so sorry for your losses.
I lost my first son @ 36 weeks on Oct 31, 2001. Cant believe he would have been 9 this year if everything had gone to plan. I too feel i cant really enjoy my birthday. My b'day is the 27th of Oct & on that day in 2001 i knew something was wrong. I could feel it & i felt very emotinal all day but didnt know why. He was just as active as usual but that night he just stopped. I think i knew deep down but didnt really think anything of it until the 29th when i thought i hadnt felt him move much. Called my OB but felt like i was just overreacting. Went to the hospital to have monitoring done & the midwife found what she thought was bubs heartbeat. I felt reassured until she asked the dr about it & found out that she had actually been picking up my heart rate. We went for an ultrasound but i dont think i expected to find out that he wasnt alive. I was in shock for a long time after that. I dont think it actually hit me until a few weeks even months later. They wanted to start the labour process straight away but i just couldn't, i had to go home & think. I went in the next morning & it all started. Took a long time. He was born the next day just after 4pm. I still vividly remember when he came out & how he looked. I can still see his face. Something i will never forget. We stayed overnight with him & then we left the next morning. A lot of the funeral arrangements where planned by family. The funeral was very hard... i think the hardest part of it all. I actually think that, that is when it hit me. As we were driving into the mermorial park along side our babies coffin i got the most over whelming feeling. I have never experieced any feeling like it & i dont think i will again... well i'm hoping i never do.
Now... somedays are still really hard. I now have 3 girls & finally another little boy who is just adorable. I feel so strongly connected to him.

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

20-11-2010, 14:22

Min - I can't believe they said that at work. No-one at my work has acknowledged that anything has happened at all. Not a card, not even a "sorry for your loss" or a "how are you going now?" When I went back after my 3 months leave they just said "welcome back" as if I'd been on holiday. Actually at one point my time off was referred to as a holiday.

People get frustrated with our raw emotions because they feel uncomfortable. It's like you get a grace period where they expect you to fall apart, and then they just want you to get on with things so they don't have to deal with it. I always just want to tell them that no matter how hard it is on them having to deal with me like that, I can guarantee me losing my son was a million times harder, just to give them a little perspective.

Paula, I got a bacteria that lives in the stomach lining, destroys the mucus lining and significantly increases your acid production. It caused severe pain in my chest to the point I was taken to hospital in an ambulance two nights in a row. The same hospital my son was born at, the same one I was at several times during my complicated miscarriage but they refused a d&c even when every other medical professional both there and at scan places etc couldn't believe nothing had been done. I shudder when I drive past there now. Anyway the hospital was stupid, didn't find the cause of the pain, sent me home on valium and panadiene forte. Eventually I found a doctor who would investigate and found I have this bug and I had a course of 3 medications to try and get rid of it. However the pain came back and now the dr said some people need about 3 or 4 courses, each a month apart. Another small percentage have it for life. And others, their body is so used to producing extra acid it never goes back to normal production. Which may have happened to me because of the hospital's ignorance letting it drag on so long. I can't ttc while I need any of those medications.

It is just beyond ridiculous how much has gone wrong this year. It makes me so angry now when people talk of karma because wow I must have done something really really bad to deserve all this then.

Christmas is going to be so hard without my baby boy. I'm still deciding to either get a present for him and put it under the Kmart wishing tree, or to donate to a charity in his name. I want to do something every year for him. I'm going to get an ornament for the Christmas tree with his name on it. When I first lost him I was tempted just to skip Christmas but with a 4 and 2 yr old they are really looking forward to it.

6 months today and it's so hard. It's been a very emotional day....especially knowing this was the day I'd decided to join him. And in part that is still so tempting. It's been on my mind a lot.

Does everyone still remember their babies kicks, and the times they were most active? Anil used to kick heaps right when I was trying to sleep at night, around 10.30pm at night. I first felt him move at 13weeks, he did a little flip when I was teaching and I just paused and got the biggest grin on my face. No one else wants to talk about these things but I thought maybe you mums wouldn't mind remembering your babies with me. Just to reaffirm that they existed, that they were unique individuals.
It wasn't just in our imaginations.

tiredmummy - thanks so much for posting, it's good to see mothers further on this journey. What you said about not really expecting him to be gone resonates. It just seems so improbable, especially at such a late gestation.

Min1111

21-11-2010, 07:11

Hi tired- very sorry for your loss. As JM said it will be good to have some one who is dealing with this years down the track.
It good to know you have had more bub since. That gives me some hope that I might be brave enough to TTC again one day.

JM- the best party starter in my belly was a can of coke :) I started to feel movement quite early this time too. The first time I was sitting at my desk and leaned forward to point at the monitor and felt the bub move just above my pelvic bone. I guess I wasn't giving bub enough room.
I was lucky enough at about 20 weeks to feel bub from the outside and get my DDs hand there in time. The look on her face when she felt the baby move was amazing.
Of course I also have all those shiny new stretch marks to remind me it was real.
It seems like so long ago that I was pregnant but it was only 4 weeks.
Min

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

21-11-2010, 10:00

Min - I'm so glad you got to feel your bub from the outside - My Dh and sons never got to. My older two used to kiss my belly and talk to the baby, every morning they'd come in and straight away say "good morning baby!! It's your big brother here!" We didn't know he was a boy till he was born, every scan he kept his legs crossed or faced away. We actually thought we were having a girl because the pregnancy was so different and cravings so different whereas with my first two DS's I had indentical pregnancies.

Time becomes very strange, in some ways it seems like yesterday, in other ways it's like years. I kind of feel like it was a different lifetime, because I was such a different person before going through this pain. It's like I look back through a glass window at a time I can never go back to.

TrulyBlessed

21-11-2010, 10:14

Hi guys do you mind if I join in?

Not many people truly understand how you feel unless you've been through it yourself.

It's been 14months since we had our DS & I had gotten to the stage where most I was able to get through & smile at the thought of him. But all the feelings & emotions I thought I had dealt with have come flooding back since August (when we weren't sure if we'd be saying goodbye to DD2).

2girls&1angelboy

21-11-2010, 10:54

Min1111

21-11-2010, 18:59

Welcome truly blessed.
The more people in this thread the better because at least then we can be there for each other at times when it feels like no one understands us.

tired*mummy

22-11-2010, 09:12

Time becomes very strange, in some ways it seems like yesterday, in other ways it's like years. I kind of feel like it was a different lifetime, because I was such a different person before going through this pain. It's like I look back through a glass window at a time I can never go back to.

I completely agree. I have changed so much because of it & most of the time i wish i could go back to before. Even for me being 9 years on... i still feel like it was only yesterday.

TB - How is your 25 weeker going?? If you dont mind me asking. My DD2 was very prem too.

PA80

23-11-2010, 22:29

:wave: Hi & welcome Tired*Mummy & TrulyBlessed
Sorry I've been MIA the last few days, I got a virus on my computer :geek: so couldn't go online until I bought some new antivirus!

When I went back after my 3 months leave they just said "welcome back" as if I'd been on holiday. Actually at one point my time off was referred to as a holiday.
This happened to me too, We did leave town for three weeks, just to get some head space after the funeral, and on our return, my workmates and friends were all asking happily "How was your holiday?" :eek: :banghead: I told them it was sheit, it wasn't a holiday, and I nearly died while away...is that the type of holiday you enjoy? Far out ppl are stupid. Sorry, but it really got to me.

Paula, I got a bacteria that lives in the stomach lining, destroys the mucus lining and significantly increases your acid production. It caused severe pain in my chest to the point I was taken to hospital in an ambulance two nights in a row.
It is just beyond ridiculous how much has gone wrong this year. It makes me so angry now when people talk of karma because wow I must have done something really really bad to deserve all this then.
Oh you poor thing, that just aint fair. No this is not Karma, this is just crap. You deserve so much more. :hugs:
Someone said that to my DH a while ago "Gees what did you do to deserve that?" Again- stupid people making freakin stupid comments.

6 months today and it's so hard. It's been a very emotional day....especially knowing this was the day I'd decided to join him. And in part that is still so tempting. It's been on my mind a lot.
:hugs: More hugs for you JM, I'm so glad that you are still with us sweetie. You are a very precious person, and I'm honered to know you.

Does everyone still remember their babies kicks, and the times they were most active? Anil used to kick heaps right when I was trying to sleep at night, around 10.30pm at night.
I'm so glad you mentioned this...I think about it a lot. After all, its pretty much the only time we got to play and create a relationship with our darling boys.
My Austin always got busy as soon as I'd lay down, he liked the space to play. I could feel his movements very clearly, and always had fun playing games with him; I'd put a fingertip on my belly and he would kick/punch it, then I'd move it and he would follw kicking it :cloud9: awww, I love remembering him in my belly! He hated it when I squashed him against the desk at work, or bumped my belly on stuff, he'd always tell me off LOL!

tiredmummy - thanks so much for posting, it's good to see mothers further on this journey. What you said about not really expecting him to be gone resonates. It just seems so improbable, especially at such a late gestation.
:iagree:

Time becomes very strange, in some ways it seems like yesterday, in other ways it's like years. I kind of feel like it was a different lifetime, because I was such a different person before going through this pain. It's like I look back through a glass window at a time I can never go back to.
Totally, I've been thinking a lot about being pregnant, and even when we were ttc Austin, and it seams like yesterday, but his birth seams like a long time ago in some ways. My brain still hasn't ruled out the posisbility of him just 'being' in his cot one day, laying there with his eyes open smiling, waiting for me to pick him up and give him a cuddle. If Only.

Hi guys do you mind if I join in?

Not many people truly understand how you feel unless you've been through it yourself.

It's been 14months since we had our DS & I had gotten to the stage where most I was able to get through & smile at the thought of him. But all the feelings & emotions I thought I had dealt with have come flooding back since August (when we weren't sure if we'd be saying goodbye to DD2).
Is DD2 ok now?

AFM- I've become Scrooge, I don't want Christmas at all. Family camping trip cancelled as my sister came off a horse and fractured her pelvis, so DH & I don't know what we're going to do....still thinking about digging a hole to bury our heads in.
I've been calling SIDS to try get some counselling, as I'm stressed out, and very worried about DH, but they never call me back- pretty poor I think. :(

:hugs::kiss: To all you lovely mummies! How are you all doing?

2girls&1angelboy

23-11-2010, 22:33

Having a horrid time atm

Thats no good that you are not getting calls back PA :( hope you can find something soon ((huge hugs))

PA80

23-11-2010, 22:48

Oh I'm sorry, anything I can do to help? Happy to chat......I'm on FB if ya wanna chat there, let me know xoxo

2girls&1angelboy

23-11-2010, 22:52

Just everything getting on top of me instead of two steps back feels like ive taken ten or more

PA80

23-11-2010, 23:18

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Hang in there.... its a hard road, but you're not walking it alone, my arm is linked through yours xoxo

trishalishous

24-11-2010, 01:33

I just want to send hugs to all you ladies. I'm not really in your shoes, but I can empathise. I lost my DS at 18weeks (DDs twin).
I've been lucky enough to have family who have experienced miscarriage and still birth (my nana had 15 pregnancies,9 live births, 6 children survive to adulthood) who are supportive.
when my uncle died (at 36weeks, 50yrs ago now) 'friends' tried to help with 'oh well, you have a DS & DD already'
our families been great with mentioning DS, I'm so lucky.
my mil doesn't acknowledge him at all.
a close friends DD was born sleeping at 36+2, and she has a garden at home for her, every birthday/xmas/fathers/mothers day they plant something in her memory.
please keep sharing your stories!
:hugs:

Min1111

24-11-2010, 05:56

PA- I hope you can get the support you need soon. Can you get a GP referral to a local psych? Get one for both of you and go together then you can both get help and share the journey at the same time. I read in another thread what's going on at home and I am hoping you both find a way through it soon.
Ilove- I hope you have some support. I know your DP goes away for work a lot which must make everything harder. You seemed to be feeling a bit better before that nasty witch was mean to you. I hope you can find a way through too.
I was thinking the other day that Kane and my bub are probably together considering they were both due on the same day. I wonder what mischief they are up to.
Trish- sorry for the loss of your twin. I can't imagine how bittersweet it must be to loose one along the way. It must be very difficult to get through such opposing emotions all at once.
AFM- I am now sitting in the fantasy world of denial. Just keeping my mind there till I am off work in a few weeks before I can see the psych and continue grieving.
Still getting those nasty thoughts creep through though. I saw a woman yesterday heavily pregnant pushing another one in a pram holding another one by the hand and my brain screamed at her " I hate you" I know I don't really and I am sure she will have a tough time with 3 young kids but the envy I felt was overwhelming.
I also had the preg lady at work telling everyone how great her nuchal was and the baby looks perfect. I wanted to scream in her face that that's what they told be too.
Well off to work again need to " not show emotion" as my boss put it so I can be a professional looking leader.

Min

Min1111

24-11-2010, 06:03

Oh I just thought of something else.

The other day when I was thinking about how mean people can be I was struck my something.

Our babies have blessed us with a super power that you can't learn by reading a book.
For the rest of our lives we will have true empathy we will always be supportive of others going through loss or even any kind of grief.
We know what it's like to feel alone in this.

Also I got a really good book that you might like to read it called Pregnancy Loss by Zoe Taylor I downloaded it via the Borders app but you can order online for the real book too. The download was under $20 and the app was free.
It's about all kinds of loss and has tonnes of quotes from people who have been through it.

PA80

24-11-2010, 22:09

SIDS finally called me back today.....they only offer counselling during biz hours :eek: so those of us who have to keep working to live, well, I guess we just miss out :thumbsdown:. It seems their assistance is only valuable if you are a mum, and one who has kids at home...what about ppl like me & dh who are left with no children, and can't just not work? Even their group meetings are in the morning on weekdays...I don't get it. I'm frustrated, when they are their to apparently offer help, but we can't access the help.
So it looks like GP ref to a psyc is our only option. I'm wary of that, I hate talking to ppl that analyze it and have no real idea what it feels like to be in this position. Hmmmphh.
I've been a total Scrooge and cancelled Christmas, I just don't want to know about it. Not sure where we are going to hide from it yet...

Min- I totally get what you said about wanting to scream re nuchal screen etc, I have to bite my tongue all the time, when ppl are preg and saying "Oh thankgoodness we're past 12wks" etc, as I almost blurt out "there is no safe point". Its so hard hey. I think our innocence in regards to pregnancy has totally been stolen. Its just scarey business now.

On that point, any of you ladies that have had your stillborns a while ago, and gone onto have more children after that....how did you cope with the next pregnancy, without freaking out the whole way through??

PA80

24-11-2010, 22:32

I might be overstepping the mark here, but I feel this is a safe supportive environment.....I don't intend to cause any upset, so please feel free to tell me to **** off if you want...
But I have been thinking "Why do these things keep happening, in todays society with all its great advances in medicine.....I know I'm looking for an answer I will not find, but I want to talk about it if anyone is up to it?

Just wondered (particularly those who have had all the tests results come in afterwards) what the cause was for you.....

I'm ok with saying that my body failed my little boy, "I" didn't fail him, I would have done anything to save him, had I known, and I think its important for us to know this, and not blame ourselves.
My Austin passed away as a result of my doc not noticing my rising BP, I developed severe pre-eclampsia, with very few 'typical' symptoms- no change in urine tests, no swelling etc. My boy starved of oxygen & nutrition, but only over a short time, but it was a severe impact. He was so skinny as he'd used up all his fat trying to stay alive, but was on par for length at his gestation. Autopsy showed he was perfect, my sweet lil man.
Sorry if this is upsetting, I just feel like I need to talk about it rather than bury it and blame myself, particularly before I get preg again, :fingerscrossed: hopefully next year (please God!)
I have more tests to do 1st with new doc, not sure if they'll find anything new.
Don't feel you have to respond.

trishalishous

25-11-2010, 00:48

pa80, I can kinda answer you, every day with DD I was convinced Id lose her too. until 6months I was sure shed did of sids.
while pregnant everytime she would sleep, I would freak out. everytime I went to the loo, I'd check for blood. when I spotted and went into labour at 32weeks, I was sure she'd die. then during delivery I nearly died, and still thought shed die while I was in icu.
I don't think ill ever have a relaxed pregnancy.

TrulyBlessed

25-11-2010, 00:58

Couldn't not respond hun. Happy to chat as no one else really does IYKWIM.

For me I feel like it must of been me who failed him as he was missing his whole X chromosome. We were told that the pregnancy really should of just been a very early m/c to last a max of 8 weeks. But instead he held on for double that time.

As for how do you get through another pregnancy. Literalyy day by day & having a great care provider who understands what you've been through already. Well I swear my Ob must of thought I was loosing it most weeks but he was fantastic always very reasurring & told his receptionist that if I ever called saying I needed to see him that day he would regardless of bookings. I felt like a nervous first time mum again cringing at any cramps. Freaked right out when I had a bleed at 9.5weeks. Dreaded the 12 week scan was half expecting them to tell me that the nuchal fold was 3x the size it should be again that I was literally holding my breath till I saw the lady take the measurement. Lets just put it this way I didn't have a straight forward pregnancy with DD2 which didn't help either (ended up with Gall Bladder problems at 11.5 weeks & surgery to remove it at 18 weeks after being admitted for the 4th time). Contractions started up at 21 weeks, Cervix started shortening at 22 I think it was, with more bleeding at 23 weeks, waters breaking at 24 & delivering at 25 weeks. (I think I lost my sanity along the way somewhere).

But all I can suggest is take it day by day & small milestone by small minestone & break it down. Make it to how you feel you can handle it.

DD2 is now home with us she was born at 754g & was weighed on Monday & is now up to 2490g. We are seeing someone each week atm just to keep an eye on her weight to make sure she is still thriving (be it GP,CHN or Paed) they are all keeping there hands in on this one. We are also booked in for her to see the eye specialist for another eye appt tomorrow & then from there who knows. All her brain ultra sounds she had while in hospital say things look to be where they should be & no signs of having had a bleed which me we shouldn't (can't promise) have any major issues with things like CP or severe motor skill problems etc. :fingerscrossed: We're very lucky to have her here with us as the bleed was at the back of the placenta where it was coming away, there was Chorioamnitis (infection of waters & membranes), funitis (umbilical cord was dying) & she had a short chord. I like to think she had a special little man in her corner right from the start holding her hand & guiding her along being her special guardian angel.

If you got this far thanks for reading.

Min1111

25-11-2010, 05:44

PA I feel like I can say anything here too. I am a bit worried DH is sick of listening to me actually.

Truly- I am glad your bub is home with you what a little fighter to overcome all those things to be here with you. Pretty sure she must have the spirit of two to get through that. I can't even image how hard it must have been for you to get this far.

I have prepared myself for no answers and I don't go back to the hospital till next week to see if the 14 vials of blood hold any answers.
Feeling my body let me down in a different way. I had no bleeding and no signs of anything wrong my whole pregnancy I was more relaxed than I had ever been with DD.
We had no clue anything was wrong till the ultrasound and we have no idea how long bub had been gone for. Growth stopped at around 15 weeks which is when I had the flu really bad but they told me they would never know when it had actually happened.
I was sure bub was still moving after 15 weeks.
I am horrified to think I carried my baby for all that time and he was gone. There is a lot of guilt around that. Also because in the 3 weeks prior to finding out we were on holidays overseas. So I have heaps of photos of us having the best holiday ever buying heaps of clothes and things for the baby and thinking about bringing the bub back in a few years.
I keep thinking what kind of crappy mum doesn't know her baby is dying and carries it to the otherside of the world. Of course in hindsight I see so many things that could have been signs something was wrong. I kept saying to DH I was feeling less movements and I felt my belly wasn't getting bigger. Now I just feel like a selfish cow that I didn't get it checked when I saw the DR right before we went away.
Sorry I think I have moved a bit off topic here. We just need to invent a big monitoring t shirt you can wear to constantly check bub and mum are ok.
Not sure how I will ever get through pregnancy again but at 35 I don't have years to wait. If I want to try again it will have to be soon and I am so scared it will take another 2.5 years to fall like last time only for it to happen again. Unexplained secondary infertility is a pain in the bot too.
Min

tired*mummy

25-11-2010, 09:55

TB - Glad your DD is doing ok. My DD2 was born at 23 weeks because of a bleed i had behind my placenta. It had originally been a twin pregnancy but i lost the other twin @ 8 weeks. They think that this caused an infection behind my placenta which made it start tearing away. They had to induce me because i was bleeding so much they thought it was the best thing to do. DD2 weighed 513gms... she had a tiny brain bleed a few weeks after she was born. She has mild CP which effects her right leg. She does have chronic lung disease but has gotten a lot better with it with age. She is almost 7 now.

PA - My OB didnt see what happened with my son coming, neither did we of course. I had my OB appt the day before... everything was great. When he was born they checked him for abnormalities but he was perfect. We didnt go for the autopsy. I just didnt want it at the time.
With other pregnancies... it was extremely stressful. With every pregnancy since i would freak out if bubs hadnt moved for a little while & around the 36 week i just tried to relax & concentrate on the baby & movements etc. With my last pregnancy i was stressed a bit more as i knew i was having a boy & i just felt like maybe because it was a boy it would happen again.

2girls&1angelboy

25-11-2010, 10:03

TrulyBlessed

25-11-2010, 10:45

Did many have an autopsy as we declined as you did TM Kane was just too small to have anythign like that happen i felt he went thru enough but then i felt like i was doing something wrong cause i wasnt geting it done

We didn't have an autopsy done either as Jacob was too small & since we don't live in a major city he would of been sent to Brissy & they couldn't promise he'd be sent back to us. So we only agreed for them to send the placenta off for histology etc. We knew we were dealing with a chromosome defect (12 week scan gave us a 1:2 for severe trisomy 21 & a 1:4 for trisomy 13 or 18) just didn't know which one & thankfully you can get answers from the placenta. His heart rate at the 12 week scan was also 198 & 199bpm & then at the 14 week scan it got to as high as 210bpm so we may have also been dealing with a heart defect but we won't know if that was due to his chromosome or something else.

Min - you aren't alone I didn't know Jacob had passed away either. :hugs:

MumTotzlj

25-11-2010, 13:41

hi ladies

i'm very sorry for the loss of your little ones.

while i haven't had a stillborn, i have been through a neonatal loss.

i was reading that one of you sorry i cant remember which one was wanting counselling with sids and kids, they have a 24 hour help line 1800 652 186
they also have a forum on the nsw site not sure where u r from. i joined not long after i lost my son and found talking to other motherswho have been through it very helpful if u want to join i'm more then happy to give u the web site.

2girls&1angelboy

25-11-2010, 18:36

Ive got appointments and assesments with all these different people i feel worse since opening up about what im feeling to the dr as i feel like im a bad mum im so scared that my kids will be taken away after admitting to the dr of my thoughts, i want to feel better but i dont want to forget anything about my son

MumTotzlj

25-11-2010, 18:51

no one is going to take your kids off you for grieving.

my DD was born 23 mths after losing Zac. i had problems bonding with DD, it took me 4 mths to realise the things i was thinking and feeling towards her, i asked for help when she was 8mths old (the best thing i ever did). when i told the therapist what i was thinkng and feeling she told me was normal, and very common feels for mothers after losing a baby at any stage.

Min1111

25-11-2010, 19:54

I love- I am glad you are getting some support closer to you. As your girls are well cared for no one would even think of taking them from you.
Can I ask do you get separation anxiety if you are apart from your girls at the moment? Not sure if you have been apart from them. I had a massive cry when I left her at my Mums for 1 hour last week. I am also having irrational fears about losing her too. I keep waking up to see if she is breathing and I freaked out when she stayed under water in the pool a bit too long today.

Thomassmum- very sorry for your loss. I cant imagine how heartbreaking that must be to go through.

No autopsy for us either.

2girls&1angelboy

25-11-2010, 20:23

I feel horrible being apart from them but i know they need to go otherwise they are around a moppy mummy all day

trishalishous

25-11-2010, 22:02

we didn't have an autopsy as DS was too young, and they took the placenta after DD was born.
I hope that it helps someone. (the regional hospital here all had a good look before it was sent off, after 25 yrs as a midwife, K (who delivered Miss E) had never seen anything like it)

2girls&1angelboy

25-11-2010, 22:05

I dont know if they done anything with the placenta with Kane. I was only asked if i wanted an autopsy done on him which i refused.

missymoo9

25-11-2010, 22:08

I refused an autopsy i know why he died, i felt i didnt want my tiny bubba to have that done to him i felt it would take away his dignity

2girls&1angelboy

25-11-2010, 22:13

I refused an autopsy i know why he died, i felt i didnt want my tiny bubba to have that done to him i felt it would take away his dignity

Thats sort of how i felt he was so tiny and already been through so much

PA80

26-11-2010, 23:41

Please don't hold it against me, or think me a despicable mother, but we did opt for the autopsy, it was a bloody hard thing to have to do, but here is why we did it:
We lost our 1st child, and we don't want to stop there with trying for a family, or loose any more of our precious children to something that can be prevented. Knowing that there was nothing underlying wrong with Austin, has meant the focus can be put on my health, whats wrong with my body, in order to put the puzzle pieces together, and hopefully prevent death next time:fingerscrossed:
We believe that at the point that we said goodbye and handed his sweet little body to the nurse, that he went to heaven, and left his body behind. Otherwise we could not have left him. He was sent to the city, and back again before the funeral could take place, but it was all done with such dignity, respect, and care. I try not to think about it much, but I can't have another one of my babies die for a stupid reason.

Min1111

27-11-2010, 06:52

PA- if my bub had been bigger we would have had one. I am glad you have an answer to your why and I think that gives you a bit of closure.

Good news ladies AF has returned. I am glad thing seem to be functioning.

TrulyBlessed

27-11-2010, 08:24

PA - I don't think any less of you hun. I would of done the same thing had Jacob been bigger. The only reason we didn't was because he was so small & had they of done the autopsy they most probably wouldn't of sent him back to us instead would of cremated him in Brisbane with other little bubs.

2girls&1angelboy

27-11-2010, 08:55

I don't think any less of you either PA (hugs)

Emzy78

27-11-2010, 23:37

Hi Everyone,
I haven't posted much but I have beeen reading the discussions.
I've had a pretty up and down week, a couple of days where it has been pretty crap and a couple of days where i have felt a bit stronger and even ventured out of the house!

Pa- I know where your coming from. We also chose to have an autopsy as there was nothing wrong with our little boy and we want to know if it is something with my body that can be prevented next time.
Waiting for the results is the hardest part. It takes so long, still another 6 weeks to go. My DP is stressing that they will jsut tell us what we want to hear and not the truth. I just have to trust that they are professional.

I am going back to work on monday and am stressed about how it is going to go. I have seen a few people that I work with, some of them ask how I am, which I ignore because it doesnt feel genuine, they are just asking it becasue it is an automatic thing to ask. The other people I have seen arent' even acknowledging that anything has happened.
When we first lost our baby I asked for some privacy, which people respected, but I am also a little frustrated. I work in a senior role with the organisation and I am one of the longest serving staff members and they didnt even send a card or flowers.
Maybe my expectations are to high or I am being 2 faces - asking for privacy and then expecting acknowledgment.

Well I guess we will see how monday goes and the next 2 weeks before annual leave. Maybe an opportunity will arise and I can comment without upsetting to many people or coming accross as a *****.

Me and DP 32 :valentine:

:angel: 19+5 31.10.10

PA80

27-11-2010, 23:58

Emzy- I know exactly what you mean; I was a complete hermit for weeks, didn't leave the house except for Austin's funeral....and couldn't talk on the phone to all my mates & family that kept calling, then everyone left me alone, and I felt soooo lonely and like people weren't acknowledging my son or my grief. Its so hard for people around us, they try not to upset us, so say/do nothing, but they don't understand that we are hurting always & thinking of our sons always.... regardless of their actions/comments. But that is poor on your workplace's part to not send you a card/flowers. Its so hard going back to work, sending you the strength to get through it sweetie xoxoxo:hugs:
Re-autopsy: ask for the FULL report, they should post it to you after the prelim report that the OB or doc will give you.....it has every detail. We had to request the full report, and although it is a difficult document to read, I think it will be beneficial in the future.

By the way, it is YOU that you need to look after right now, don't give a thought to upsetting anyone at work. :hugs:

PA80

28-11-2010, 00:30

I might be overstepping the mark here....but far out....It appears the mods on BH may have an issue with our photos of our stillborn babies......I have this message for the moderators..........

This thread is for parents who have sufferred the worst nightmare imaginable.....all we have of our children is pictures and memories....have some heart.

Mummies of stillborns: We are here for each other, as support, no matter what, if we all get booted out of BH or they tell us we can't have avatars of our sweet precious babies, then you can find me on FB.....

BH has so far been my lifeline, literally, it is my daily coping/counselling session. It makes me mad to think that we may not be allowed to recognise OUR children when everyone else does, just because they left this world early. My heart is ripping here....mod's I hope you read this and reconsider.:crying:

2girls&1angelboy

28-11-2010, 00:36

Min1111

28-11-2010, 07:59

Wow that surprised me that they would not want you to have them up.
Is it just the avatars or the links to pics too?
Hopefully they can understand that we need to cling to the fact that our babies were real and photos are a good way of doing that.

Emzy- good luck with work. I found that first day extremely anxious but most people will do the ignore thing.
They also get really uncomfortable when you tell them how you really are when they ask. Some who were gossiping about me I confronted direct and asked if they had any questions they wanted to ask because I would prefer them to know the truth. People who I thought we be more compassionate have said nothing and luckily I have 2 friends I can say anything too at work.
I also received no flowers or card from work and to this day my immediate manager has no made any mention of what's going on. He has basically told me emotion has no place in a work environment and I cannot lead a team while I am emotionally unwell. He also told me if my office performance declines he would not give me any concession due to my emotional health.
I hope you have more luck but unfortunately I have been very surprised at how emotionally UNintelligent most people really are.
Fingers crossed you return to work is better.
Min

2girls&1angelboy

28-11-2010, 08:18

min i had a msg the other monday about my pics so i took them off the album and never posted anymore but now i got a new one about my Avatar and m i ne was removed as were some others by the look of it

veve

28-11-2010, 09:23

Ladies I think there has been a misunderstanding ... no one has asked anyone to stop posting links to their photos. When our babies don't get to come home with us, photos are the only thing we have. :hugs: Bubhub is absolutely here as a place of support- please dont think otherwise.

Tamara, you started a thread in the GENERAL section of the forum with photos of Kane embedded in that thread. Numerous parents found these images upsetting and were not expecting them in the general section of the fourm. We contacted you privately and requested simply that you post a LINK to your photos, giving parents who may not be in a position to handle the emotions that the photos may trigger, the option of not clicking on the links.

As everyone grieves in different ways, there have been a lot of grieving parents who have contacted the Moderators about the raw emotions Tamara's (unexpectedly viewed) photos have opened. With links they have the choice of looking at the photos, maybe at a time when they feel a bit stronger emotionally, but with avatars and images embedded in the posts there is no choice.

All we've asked is that ALL members respect each other and Tamara please link to your photos as much as you would like, but please remember others in your situation may not be coping as well as you and having Kane's photo in your av is too confronting for some parents to handle.

I hope that makes sense.

If anyone would like further clarification - please feel free to PM or email me at veve@bubhub.com.au

Thanks so much
Jenny

2girls&1angelboy

28-11-2010, 09:29

it feels like we are only stuck to one part of the Forum

veve

28-11-2010, 09:39

I'll just clarify it for you Tamara- you are most welcome to post across the open forum .. but specifically-

You can post images directly ... into this part of the forum.

You can post LINKS in any thread you like - as long as other members know what they will see when they click on the link.

So you are certainly not limited to any one area of our forum.

The issue with avatars is that members simply dont have a choice as to whether they want to view them or not - they simply pop up when you post anything - which is why we have to be a little more careful when we choose the image for our avatar.

Thanks
Jenny

Kittylou

28-11-2010, 10:03

Way to segregate Bubhub!! Best stay in your box ladies - you wouldn't want to go out and upset any of the 'normal' Mums, now would you??

Veve, what about avatars that we find upsetting? Will they be asked to take theirs down too?

Kittylou

28-11-2010, 10:27

Thank you for your support, Bec86. And, in fact, you've just helped to prove my point about how ridiculous this is - the pic in my av isn't a breastfeeding pic, it was taken several hours after my son died. Isn't it just so confronting and offensive?

brogeybear

28-11-2010, 10:41

Well I have PMd you Veve, but I would like to say publicly that I am horrified about the avatar issue. Fair enough not embedding pics in threads. But FFS! Lets all get offended by a beautiful pic of a sleeping baby! Blood is boiling now, so will leave.
Sorry to intrude on your space, beautiful women, I am just outraged by this! Many many :hugs: to you all!

2girls&1angelboy

28-11-2010, 11:33

Thank you to everyone for the support, i do understand that it can be confronting im not denying that at all i have two healthy daughters but since having Kane seeing U/S photos healthy children etc as Avatars upsetting but i move on as i appreciate the love thats around them

Myztik

28-11-2010, 11:41

Tamara we have no issue with the avatar you have now, same with kittylou's. They are both lovely pics.

Brogey being like this isn't helping anyone.

2girls&1angelboy

28-11-2010, 11:43

the other photo is pretty much just a close up of this one i dont understand its the same child he isnt alive in this one.

trishalishous

28-11-2010, 11:50

as someone who has lost 2 children (1 at 9weeks, then DDs twin) I don't find angel baby pics offensive/upsetting at all.
in fact they make me remember my two, and I have a rush of love for them.

Min1111

28-11-2010, 11:53

Wow, not sure how our little thread became so controversial.

We dont intend any offense to anyone we are just trying to share and remember our babies.

I hope most people who read our thread know it will probably make you feel upset to read especially if you are pregnant.

I understand the concerns were over other threads in the general section but I hope we will not be censored to write here about our grief and experiences.

We have very few places in the world we can openly share and relate to others who have been through similar situations.

Hoping this post wont disappear like all of the others that have vanished off this thread today.:confused:

Ilove- I hope you are OK. I am sure you are pretty upset about this

PA- likewise I hope you are feeling OK.

On a totally unrelated thought.
I found this today as my Xmas pressie from DH & DD. It so I can wear it always to remember our angel.

Image link is of jewellery (not offensive)

http://shop.thomassabo.com/EN-en/sterling-silver/rebel-at-heart/pendant/pid/T0109-001-12

Min

BabelFish

28-11-2010, 11:54

I too would like to apologise if my words have caused pain. Reading through all of the responses I have seen another point of view and now do agree that the relief and memories and love of showing your lost children in your avatars should be allowed. I am sorry for upsetting anyone and will not post in this or the other thread again :shakehands:

Nomsie

28-11-2010, 11:56

In all due respect Tamara, your current avatar is quite different to your previous one. This one Kane is barely visible, and the main focus of the picture is on you. If people weren't aware of the situation, they certainly would not be able to tell from looking at your current avatar.
The previous one was unfortunately (and I am trying to be as tactful as I can in an extremely delicate situation) 'in your face'.. and prompted several reports and a very lengthy moderator discussion on the issue.

I think it's terrible that it's come to a point where the forum feels as though we are trying to stop parents of SB babies from displaying their children on the forum- we are not at all. But when a forum as large as this gets repeated reports on a topic we have to make the decision that is best for the *majority* of the forum.

As has been explained to you several times- you CAN show pictures of your beautiful son. Your CURRENT avatar is beautiful, and can stay. (As can KittyLou's).. there is a huge difference in those pictures than to the one we regretfully had to remove.

Please understand we take no joy in feeling as though we are being made to 'choose sides', but continuing complaints about moderation on this topic the open forum will from here on in be issued with a warning or infraction.

2girls&1angelboy

28-11-2010, 11:59

If i had the other pic as my Avatar and didnt say anything to what it was would you know?

Nomsie

28-11-2010, 12:03

If I didn't know the whole story, then I honestly don't know whether I would know or not... he certainly looks like a pre-term baby.. but I honestly can't say. However, I am not everyone, and I am in the position where I have not seen a sb baby before.

I am terribly sorry for your loss, truly I am... but at the same time, there are rules on BH that need to be followed, and those rules state that a member cannot complain/challenge a moderators decision on the open forum, as veve stated in her post earlier.

brogeybear

28-11-2010, 12:21

Nomsie

28-11-2010, 12:25

Majority? Majority? Sounds like just a few complained. Seems like the MAJORITY were happy to respect the picture.

ETA: and I know this thread is not the best place for mine and others protesting comments, but its the only one that hasnt been closed or deleted.
Brogeybear- you are correct that it is not the place for this discussion. This is the chat for Mothers of Stillborn babies. This thread has been taken far enough off track today, and any further comments of this nature will be deleted and a warning/infraction issued.

If you have an issue- as veve pointed out earlier- contact a moderator via PM.

2girls&1angelboy

28-11-2010, 12:52

Dont feel as safe and supported anymore with talking anymore feel like anyting i write will be the wrong thing and not allowed so ill take things elsewhere i think thank you all to have been there for me if you want to keep in contact with me pm me and i will give you my FB account or email

brogeybear

28-11-2010, 12:56

All my love Tamara. I am so so sorry about all this cr@p! Some people...
Ill PM you my FB sweetie.

angelblake

28-11-2010, 13:15

Hi Ladies

Can i please join? My beautiful DS Blake was stillborn a year ago in November 09 at 26 weeks.

Would love to chat with other angel mummies. I havent been on BH in a long time, couldnt bring myself to come on here after losing Blake and seeing all the mums in the Due in thread having babies when i should of been having Blake but instead he was born sleeping :(

Im so sorry to all you ladies that was forced to join such a sad "club" ( only word i can think of right now). I really didnt want to be a member but like all of you ladies, here we are with our hearts broken and our babies playing in heaven together.

Hope i can get to know each of you here.

P.S Tamara im so so sorry that your having so much trouble on here with the photo's of your little man. Some people really just dont understand and because they havent experienced the loss like we have they find it offensive.

Min1111

28-11-2010, 14:21

Hi boy 4 me,

I am sorry for your loss too but glad to see you now have a very new little girl.

Congratulations!

Its good to know that people do go on to have babies after going through this nightmare. I cant imagine how difficult it must be losing your first born and really feel for you and all the other mums in that situation.

As I am only a few weeks into it now, I dont know how I will ever find the strength to try again let alone make it all the way to new baby with my sanity in tact.

Welcome.

Min

missymoo9

28-11-2010, 14:46

Hi ladies, ive just read over the recent posts. For those who have/had your beautiful angel babies pictures up i think its wonderful. I wonder how the people who had an issue with the pictures would feel if they were the ones with angel babies and wanting to recognise their babys life and remember it. It upsets me greatly that grieving women who are struggling to cope with such a heartbreaking loss are kicked when their down, about PICTURES OF THEIR BABYS.

2girls&1angelboy

28-11-2010, 14:49

PA80

28-11-2010, 16:24

Ladies,
I started this thread as a place that we could support each other as grieving mothers who's sweet babies have been born sleeping.......

The last 24hrs have caused a few of us much upset, and it has blown up into a BIG deal. Tamara, you know I am in full support of you, and will be there all the way on the photo issue.....

But lets get our little thread back on track.

If you are reading this, in support of us SB mum's and want to continue the controversail discussion about the photos, IMHO, enough has been said, the Mods are aware where we stand, lets put it to rest, and keep this thread open, as a safe place for mums of stillborns.
This thread is not designed for people to come in and have their opinion of us SB mums. It was designed to be a safe place for us to share our hard journey's and support each other with love.

SB mum's: I love you all, and am so glad to have you to walk alongside through this hell.
:hugs:

:angel: and big hugs and kisses sent to heaven for our darling precious angels xoxo

Min1111

28-11-2010, 18:04

For me today has been really tough and I don't even have photos up.
I think it was hard because again I am faced by people uncomfortable with our grief in a place where we are fairly anonymous.
I am also a bit worried our thread has attention for the wrong reasons and I would hate to lose everything we have posted so far that may be of help or comfort to someone in the future.
Hugs for all the mums and kisses for the angels.
Min

Kittylou

28-11-2010, 18:05

Ladies, I apologise for my part in bringing unwanted controversy into your thread. I was extremely upset by some of the things I read today and couldn't help but respond however I realise this is not the right place for it.

I'm glad you have all found a place where you feel supported in your grief.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

PA80

28-11-2010, 18:30

Kittylou, any mum's of stillborns are welcome to come here...so don't feel bad, we all got upset over it and had our rant! Well I certainly did, and I'm probably to blame for much of the attention this raised. I just got so mad, in defense of us all and our babies.

Welcome to Boy4me also :hugs:

So moving forward......as its all we can do....how is everyone going? I see AF has come to visit a few, :highfive: if you wanted her visit!

AFM- I have friends coming to stay this week, with their bub who is the same age as Austin would have been. We went through our pg's together, and they have been great friends through all this hell. Their daughter isn't too well, she has a chromosomal issue, so is coming down for more tests. Its going to be tough having a bub in my house, without completely freaking out. They are being awesome about it though, bringing their port-a-cot etc, knowing that we have a full nursery ready to go, but not intruding on our emotions by asking to use any of it. Its all packed up anyway since moving a month ago, so that's convenient. We want to keep it that way now until we set it up for #2 :fingerscrossed::baby:

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

28-11-2010, 18:54

I had such a bad day - a big fight with my mum today related to my little boy, and then to come in to our safe little hide away and find all that has gone on I think is the last straw.

Before losing Anil I had always said I would have 3 or 4 children. My mum got her head stuck on 4. She still goes on about it now, about how I'm still going to have 2 more etc. even though several times I've asked her not to. It was my Dad's birthday lunch today and she was saying to my brother she's still got 5 more grandkids to come - 3 from him and 2 from me. I told her not to say that about me. She said it was just a joke - I said well it's not a joke to me. She said she didn't mean anything by it and I said well it means something to me and I've let you know it's upsetting so please don't say anything. So she said "ohh, it wasn't about THAT" and I said "EVERYTHING is about THAT to me!" She says she knows I always wanted 4 so it would be sad if I don't have 4 children. I said well we don't always get what we want, haven't we all learnt that now.

She doesn't see how offensive it is to me to say I need 2 more children to make 4. I have had THREE children!!! My boy counted!! And it doesn't matter how much I want more, it doesn't mean I'll ever get to hold a live baby. And besides, my boy was just cremated 6 months ago and she wants to make happy jokes about babies!!!???

Anyway.....it was the first time I've fallen apart in front of my family. I sobbed a little, then went to the bathroom, washed my face, put some makeup on to cover the blotchiness, took several deep breaths and went out ready to cut the cake. She on the other hand was sulking, went in her room while Dad opened his present etc etc etc. I couldn't believe it. If I could suck it up for Dad, surely she could.

Before I left she finally apologised. Her apology went like this: "I'm sorry, I was just feeling so horrible for upsetting you like that, but honestly, I'd completely forgotten." Now you mums in here will know exactly why that was the opposite of comforting - she forgot!!!!!! My Son!!!! And that he'd died!!!!!!!!! She also went on to say she hadn't come back in because she can't just get over something and get back to normal like me. She thinks because I composed myself enough to rejoin everyone that I was over it.

I'll never be over it, but if I hid in my room everytime there was something too confronting or upsetting these days, I'd never leave, I'd never go to work, I'd never see anyone that was pregnant or has a baby. I don't have that luxury anymore.

Doesn't anyone realise, everything we see and feel will always be filtered through this grief now. We never forget. It's never out of our mind.

No one wants to know about us and our babies and our grief, we're interrupting their happy lives. It's inconvenient, spoils the mood.

Paula - sorry I never replied about what happened to Anil. The paediatrician at the hospital suspected him of Edwards (chromosomal disorder). 50% of babies with that die in utero. Of those who survive to be born, most die within days or the first month or so. Those that survive beyond that have severe health issues. So, we processed our grief with that knowledge, I comforted myself with the fact it had nothing to do with my body, just something went wrong in the early stages of cell division. We also told ourselves that even if he'd survived he would have suffered a lot, so he was spared that pain.

Then we went for the autopsy and blood test results (thinking to confirm it and discuss what it would mean for future pregnancies) and they told us he was in perfect health. But with growth deteriorating over about a month it's most likely related to my bodies ability to nourish him (they didn't say that, but it's the logival conclusion). So suddenly we found we'd processed our grief on the completely wrong premise. I felt like I had to start back from the beginning, now with the blame firmly on my shoulders, now with the knowledge that if my body hadn't failed him he would have been born a perfectly happy, pain-free baby boy.

Sorry for the very long post, I've been able to read sometimes but haven't had the time to reply. Be gentle on yourselves Mummas.

ForeverMine

28-11-2010, 19:09

Hi ladies, have been wondering if I should join here. Felix was born sleeping on Tuesday last week, but he was only 15w2d so I didn't know if I belonged here or not, but I don't really have anywhere else to go.

The March mum's I feel I no longer belong and I obviously don't belong in the due in chat. So I dunno...

I seem to be running on auto pilot at the moment and have done since F was born. I'm yet to cry or get upset and I'm just so so so so angry at the world and everyone in it.

We've decided that Felix is our last. We have 2 living children (Kyan who is almost 4 and Willow who is almost 9 months) Velina-Paige who we lost 2 years ago this coming Saturday and 3 early miscarriages. That is all we can handle.

I think I am grieving more at the fact that I'll never get to be preggers again or give birth to a live screaming baby. I am desperately trying to sell all of W's baby stuff and clothes on FB so it's out of the house.

I'm just rambling more now, so I guess I'll head off.

T - It's good to see you here! (not in the SB chat - bubhub in general!) :hugs:

BabushkaMumma

28-11-2010, 19:16

P

Before I left she finally apologised. Her apology went like this: "I'm sorry, I was just feeling so horrible for upsetting you like that, but honestly, I'd completely forgotten." Now you mums in here will know exactly why that was the opposite of comforting - she forgot!!!!!! My Son!!!! And that he'd died!!!!!!!!! She also went on to say she hadn't come back in because she can't just get over something and get back to normal like me. She thinks because I composed myself enough to rejoin everyone that I was over it.

.

I'm so sorry to hear about your fight with your Mum :( I can relate to your feelings about your Mum 'forgetting' as my Mum has done something similar.

It was My DD1 2nd year anniversary back in June and I said to her 'It was Poppi's birthday today' and she said 'Who?'. I mean she forgets our wedding anniversary, her own, but she plum forgot her first granddaughters there for a moment :(

She also said some funny things when Poppi's diagnosis came through - she tried to find ever reason for the abnormality - was it from this, is it from that..she even went so far as to suggest maybe it's because one of my dads relatives married his cousin all the way over in Europe. It was so frustrating but I could understand - she just wanted to understand why but I didn't want her too I just needed her to accept.

You would think that as mums themselves they'd get it - but my mum comes from a generation where that sort of stuff is swept well under the rug - I have to believe that none of it is intentional just thoughtless.

To ILMG&B - I have watched your threads in the past and want to say what lovely avatars you've had / have.

I think people will always feel uncomfortable - my DH didn't want me to take photos of Poppi but I wasn't going to have that. I would rather have then tucked away for only me to see than regret never having physical proof of my baby. I will never regret having them no matter how uncomfortable it is to My DH.

I also have her footprints on a plate on diaplay in our family room - funny noone ever mentions it. People just don't know what to say unless I'd told them in the past - Poppi is my daughter, a part of this family who's simply not with us for now. Please talk about her if you would like, I speak about her (only now after painful years) with joy and wonder about what sort of girl she will be like when I see her again. So it's ok to ask because I'm proud of her fighting spirit and who she's made me today.

Big hugs to anyone today who has felt hurt by any of the proceedings of today xxx

Sent from my iPhone using Bub Hub

Min1111

28-11-2010, 21:41

JM- I am so sorry about your family saying those things to you.

You have had such are hard time lately dealing with other peoples babies and now this. It would just make it so much harder for you.

Looks like a few of us have had problems with our Mums. I havent been in contact with mine for almost the last year through some unrelated family stuff. Last week I went and saw her for the first time as she wanted to see my DD. It was Mums birthday so I put our differences aside to go and visit her.

When I got there she didnt even aknowledge our loss even when we showed her the footprints and DD was talking about how the baby had died.

Instead Mum just wanted to tell me how bad her life was. Talk about selfish! She rambled on about how sad she has been because shes having problems with her boyfriend and had recently quit her job.
I wanted to scream in her face. My sister turned up who I am also out of contact with and behaved exactly the same. A few days later my sister sent me a message to say I am selfish for not looking after Mum more through what she is going through.

My response was to remind her that less than a month ago my baby died and that is about all I can attempt to cope with at the moment.

Lyette- Welcome. Very sorry for your loss.

I was also in the March thread with Ilove. I cant go there now, while I feel happy for all of them every U/S pic and update on the latest kicks and growing bellies just stabs me in the heart.

TrulyBlessed

28-11-2010, 21:54

C & T - welcome to the thread girls. No point me introducing myself since you both already know me. Bittersweet we've all made it back into a thread together hey.

As for today :kiss: & :hugs: all round guys. I can see both sides & unfortunately I think it is something those of us who've experienced a loss like we have will have to agree to disagree with those who haven't & be the bigger people & move forward. Emotions are raw & we defend our angels cause if we don't who else will. But unfortunately the majority of people (luckily for them) haven't had to experience what we have & yes photos are our memories of them. Others get their backs up cause it's not the way things should happen & unfortunately for us alot aren't sure what to think/say so feel confronted by these things. Be proud of your angels guys & in here we don't have to just link that's what this section is for. But yes in the general section I think we should that way people have their choice to look if they feel they are either emotionally ready/strong enough. Like we have our choice of which pics we want to share etc.

Sorry for rambling just trying to smooth the waters abit xoxo

angelblake

28-11-2010, 21:56

Lytte - Welcome to the group honey, but im so sorry you have found yourself here. Of course your more than welcome to join the group, i too understand the feeling of not belonging anymore to a particular group and i understand how hard it is reading updates from your DIG. I did it with Blake and it broke my heart every time. Im sorry to hear that your family is now complete, but i truly do understand. The pain is unbearable to endure once let alone multiple times. Massive hugs hun.

PA80 - I hope everything goes as well as can be with a newborn in the house. Your one tough cookie! When i lost Blake i couldnt look at a newborn or look at a pregnant belly as i used to start balling my eyes out. Needless to say i avoided shopping as much as possible. It seems when we lose our babies that everywhere we look is pregnant people or people with newborns or people announcing pregnancies on FB! i used to hate it sooo much. I even blocked people on FB just because they were pregnant and it hurt too much to read their statuses everyday. Anyways, off topic there but i hope everything goes as well as can be.

JM, Saffi and Min - Im sorry your mums arent supportive at all :( its really sad isnt it that your own mum can be like that. Im lucky in a sense that my mum knows how i feel. She lost 3 boys ( 1 stillborn, 1 died at 2 days old and 1 died at 10.5 years old) so she knows how i feel. However, when i lost Blake she kept telling me of people we knew that was pregnant and how i should be happy for them. It drove me nuts. I ended up crying and yelling at her saying i just lost my baby and I want to be pregnant so DO NOT tell me of any pregnant people i know its too upsetting. She got the point after that.

What do you ladies ( and mods ) think about starting up a Photo's of our angel babies thread?? in the stillbirth section??? Im also on another forum and we have one in there and it is wonderful to see and appreciate all the other angel babies. It means so much to the mums too, and i have never seen a negative comment in there once. If people find it too offensive then they just simply dont have to look.

Sorry for the lack of personals ladies, thats all i can see up to right now!

Big hugs to my angel mums! its not an easy journey.

PA80

28-11-2010, 23:42

As for today :kiss: & :hugs: all round guys. I can see both sides & unfortunately I think it is something those of us who've experienced a loss like we have will have to agree to disagree with those who haven't & be the bigger people & move forward. Emotions are raw & we defend our angels cause if we don't who else will. But unfortunately the majority of people (luckily for them) haven't had to experience what we have & yes photos are our memories of them. Others get their backs up cause it's not the way things should happen & unfortunately for us alot aren't sure what to think/say so feel confronted by these things. Be proud of your angels guys & in here we don't have to just link that's what this section is for. But yes in the general section I think we should that way people have their choice to look if they feel they are either emotionally ready/strong enough. Like we have our choice of which pics we want to share etc.

Sorry for rambling just trying to smooth the waters abit xoxo
Well said.....:iagree:

PA80 - I hope everything goes as well as can be with a newborn in the house. Your one tough cookie! When i lost Blake i couldnt look at a newborn or look at a pregnant belly as i used to start balling my eyes out. Needless to say i avoided shopping as much as possible. It seems when we lose our babies that everywhere we look is pregnant people or people with newborns or people announcing pregnancies on FB! i used to hate it sooo much. I even blocked people on FB just because they were pregnant and it hurt too much to read their statuses everyday. Anyways, off topic there but i hope everything goes as well as can be.
So true, its like suddenly all we see is every preg woman and baby, when before it wasn't so obvious. I felt that a bit when we were TTC Austin, it felt like everyone else everywhere was UTD except me, now it feels like everyone has a baby except me :no:

JM, Saffi and Min - Im sorry your mums arent supportive at all :( its really sad isnt it that your own mum can be like that. Im lucky in a sense that my mum knows how i feel. She lost 3 boys ( 1 stillborn, 1 died at 2 days old and 1 died at 10.5 years old) so she knows how i feel. However, when i lost Blake she kept telling me of people we knew that was pregnant and how i should be happy for them. It drove me nuts. I ended up crying and yelling at her saying i just lost my baby and I want to be pregnant so DO NOT tell me of any pregnant people i know its too upsetting. She got the point after that.
My mum has been pretty good, she had a son die during pre-term labour, a year before I was born, so she's been very understanding, I know I am VERY lucky to have her :cloud9: She lives on the opposite side of the country to me, but we talk lots, and my m&d both got to me in time for DS to be born after we found out the bad news, they are awesome, I'm so blessed to have my parents.

What do you ladies ( and mods ) think about starting up a Photo's of our angel babies thread?? in the stillbirth section??? Im also on another forum and we have one in there and it is wonderful to see and appreciate all the other angel babies. It means so much to the mums too, and i have never seen a negative comment in there once. If people find it too offensive then they just simply dont have to look.

Big hugs to my angel mums! its not an easy journey.
:yes: Sounds like a good idea, maybe PM the mods...although they may be sick of the subject after today!

SaffiAva- :hugs:

Lytte- you are most welcome to join us here :hugs:RIP little Felix.

PA80

30-11-2010, 09:19

Hi Mummies,
How is everyone doing?
I hope you haven't all been scared off our little thread with the attention it gained....it appears to have settled down now, so please all come back and talk to me....feeling a bit lonely here all by myself......

I hope you are all coping in one way or another, remember this grief is such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, you will have your good & bad days, so please be gentle on yourselves.

:hugs::angel::hugs::angel::hugs::angel::hugs:

2girls&1angelboy

30-11-2010, 09:23

Sorry for the attention the thread has gained sweetie, didnt mean for things to get the way they did xxx

PA80

30-11-2010, 09:45

I know Tamara, Don't stress, I was behind you 100% all the way, and will continue to be xoxo
Its all good my friend :hugs: I just want everyone to come back now, so we can keep chatting and supporting each other.
I hope yesterday went ok with your little one, and here is a kiss that I'm sending to heaven for your Kane and my Austin :kiss:

trishalishous

30-11-2010, 10:17

one year ago today part of my heart went to heaven.
rip TengLi

2girls&1angelboy

30-11-2010, 11:40

Lots of love to you and TengLi xxx

PA80

30-11-2010, 14:36

Happy birthday little angel - (((GBH))) trishalishous xoxo are you doing anything special today in memory?

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

30-11-2010, 17:28

Happy birthday TengLi. How are you coping with the day?

I went back to the doctor again today re my recent health issues. Seem we're looking at at least another 3 months before we can even try again. Then there's always the possibility of more losses. It's just never ending. Yesterday was a shocking day too. Maybe I have to stop hoping it will get easier and waiting for it and it's time to accept that it wont. Maybe I just need to learn to live with my sadness and the fact my body is just one big let down. Still hard to believe this is my reality.

A good friend's mother is very creative, makes awesome quilts etc, and I've asked her to make a very small Christmas stocking for Anil that I can hang on the Christmas tree, just to feel that he is in some small way a part of the celebrations. I think I'll light his candle too while the boys are opening their presents.

I'm trying to focus on weight loss so that I feel I have control of at least one thing going on with my body. I've lost 5kgs so far and have 8kgs to go.

Min1111

30-11-2010, 18:58

Happy Birthday TengLi :hugs:

Hope you are doing OK today, Trish.

JM- sorry you had more bad news from the Dr. I hope your body starts sorting its self out so you can have a break from all the bad news. :hugs:

The handmade stocking sounds beautiful, as does the candle.

The weight loss sounds like a good control plan as long as you actually need to lose weight. You dont want to end up under weight then have that get in the way of TTC once you are able to try again.

AFM-I am on an emotional rollercoaster yesterday and today. Stable then crying then anger then back around to anxious all in a few minutes.

I have to go back to the hospital appointment tomorrow to have my follow up visit. I am booked in the gyno clinic so at least I wont be at the preg clinic.

I am expecting to get no answers just like the whole 'unexplained infertility' stuff we went through when TTC.
Hopefully there might be an answer in my 14 vials of blood, I think they also took a placenta sample and we sent bub to have an external examination by the clinical geneticist.

I am not anxious about the results or lack of I am actually freaking out about going back to the hospital and having a massive emotional break down in the waiting room. I will be very glad to have DH there with me.

I would love to get some kind of indication whether we can try again one day or if we need to wait. Then I can try and get my head around the massive wall of fear that appears when I think about that.

OK enough about my head full of psycho :ecomcity:.

Kisses for the angels :kiss:

Min

trishalishous

30-11-2010, 19:14

had a little cry, picked some flowers.
tomorrow is the anniversary of my dads death so we go to the cemetary and remember them both.
bad time of year for me.
trying to stay busy, took DD for a swim. shes super clingy today, like she knows her angel twin left today.

Emzy78

01-12-2010, 14:15

Hi Everyone,
big :hugs:to you all.
This week has been a ***** so far! My first one back at work.
It was really hard walking in on monday morning, but luckily not many people were around. 2 people acknowledged that I was back, gave me a hug and seriously asked how i was coping. 2 out of 50! I dont want much, just a sorry or i dont know what to say but ignoring it is making it harder!
Yesterday i was really tired and got emotional and snappy in the afternoon, just wanted a hug and DP couldnt even do that when he came home last night from work. He was in such a foul cranky mood i ignored him when i went to bed.
This morning has been the worst though. 2 women in the office, next to my work station, were looking at photos of a baby on the computer and saying how perfect it was and how cute and this and that. I wanted to crawl under my desk adn cry. So bloody insensitive!

I also have this huge battle going on in my head. I've been back on my meds for 4 weeks now and seeing a PT for 2 hour sessions a week plus pounding the pavement for 3km each day (going to work and walking the dog) and im eating a very low calourie diet and i ahvent lost a single gram!
Its like my body is laughing at me and saying " you cant keep your baby, you cant losse any weight, HAHAHAHA":gloomy::gloomy::gloomy:

Apologies for always having a rant, its just a good place to do it, you all seem to understand!

I hope your all having a better day than me.
Emzy

Me and DP 32 :valentine:
DS :angel: 19+5 31.10.10

Min1111

01-12-2010, 18:06

Emzy- huge :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Wouldnt it be better if we never had to go back to work?

I am so sorry you had to go through this and I hope you are getting by OK.

It amazes me everyday just how insensitive and inconsiderate people can be. Even before I had been through this I would never chat about a baby in front of someone who had been through this.

I am sorry you havent been able to lose any weight yet but maybe your body is just trying to heal first so doesnt want to give anything up at the moment.

AFM- had my follow up hospital appointment and the blood tests showed nothing. I got to hear that everything was normal from the gyno and I even got the "its natures way" speech.
While its good to know that there are no major diseases or viruses involved its like I am up against an invisible enemy.

The only report not back yet is the one from the geneticist who examined bub and that wont be back for another 3 months.
So the advise from the doctor was try again whenever you like and use the clomid again if you want.

So I am left with no reasons. DH said we should try again next cycle with the Clomid and see what happens. I am still very paranoid that history will repeat and if I am ever lucky enough to get UTD again I will be back in the position a few months later.

Not really sure how to feel but I guess I need to get back on the vitamins if we want to try again next month.

Min

Emzy78

01-12-2010, 20:51

lots of hugs to you to Min :hugs::hugs::hugs: thanks for you words of support considering the day you have had.
We are still waiting for our results as well. I am trying to be open minded to there being no answer but I think that DP is really going to struggle if it comes back as nothing obvious.

Again lots of hugs and I hope your weeks brings a smile or 2.:)

Me and DP 32 :valentine:

DS :angel: 19+5 31.10.10

PA80

01-12-2010, 23:03

Seem we're looking at at least another 3 months before we can even try again. Then there's always the possibility of more losses. It's just never ending. Yesterday was a shocking day too. Maybe I have to stop hoping it will get easier and waiting for it and it's time to accept that it wont. Maybe I just need to learn to live with my sadness and the fact my body is just one big let down. Still hard to believe this is my reality.

I'm probably just a big hypocrite, but I'm gonna say it anyway....don't be too hard on yourself....I can honestly say I know exactly what you are feeling, I'm going through much of the same, and getting similar answers from my docs. But we have to hold onto hope. I think there is a degree of acceptance we have to take on, but it doesn't have to be a reoccuring pattern.
My body is stuffed up in so many ways, I would bore you all to :sleeping: if I told you about it! Not a day passes at the moment where I'm not saying to my body "Why can't you just get something right?" Its so frustrating and rather depressing, but we must hold our heads up above the waters and go on.:hugs:

Emzy- Going back to work is plain horrible, ppl don't know how to respond, they foolishly think ignoring it eases our pain, or maybe just avoids a difficult situation for themselves :no: I'm sorry :hugs:
Getting snappy & cranky are completely normal with all that you are trying to process, I found I could handle so little for ages, it was like my head was so fully occupied trying to process what had happened and somehow cope a bit, I had nothing left for anyone or anything. Try to take care of your relationship though, as hard as it can be, don't become one of the statistics that bust up after loss of a child, you need each other.

AFM- had my follow up hospital appointment and the blood tests showed nothing. I got to hear that everything was normal from the gyno and I even got the "its natures way" speech.
While its good to know that there are no major diseases or viruses involved its like I am up against an invisible enemy.

So I am left with no reasons. DH said we should try again next cycle with the Clomid and see what happens. I am still very paranoid that history will repeat and if I am ever lucky enough to get UTD again I will be back in the position a few months later.

Min
Sorry you got no answer, its hard to say if that's good or bad hey....at least your chances for next time are positive based on nothing being seriously wrong I guess. But HUGS, coz I know its hard:hugs:
Why the Clomid? No O? I might end up going that track next yr, depending on what the doc finds.....
But pls dont loose hope....

I have posted this somewhere once before....but I feel you girls would benefit from this:

What is hope?

Hope is not wishful thinking. Nor is it a passive.

Hope requires faith in times of waiting,

faith that things will get better.

With every expectation there is a time of waiting,

otherwise you wouldn’t need hope

because you’d have what you were hoping for.

Hope also requires faith to pick up and try again after you have fallen another time.

To hope is to believe for a better tomorrow

and trust that even the pain you suffered

can ultimately be used for good in your life.

Min1111

02-12-2010, 05:33

PA- the clomid was the first extra thing we were allowed to try extra. We had been seriously trying for 18 mths with no luck and no reasons why. Everything is 'normal' 28 day cycle, blood indicates O each cycle, progesterone normal, ultrasound shows nothing etc etc. So the gyno finally offered me clomid if that didn't work I would have a tube check with D&C.
On first cycle of clomid we had BFP. Because I am 35 I can't wait another 1.5 years so we will give it another go and see if it works.
I am so sorry for all of you who do have medical obstacles to have to overcome, it must be very frustrating.
The invisible enemy I face is annoying too mth after mth with 'normal' but still nothing then to lose bub when everything was still 'normal' I think it makes me feel angry more than anything. Clearly it's not normal.

PA maybe you should ask the DR if clomid would suit you. They might make you cycle track with bloods for a few mths before you can try.

Sorry for the blah I woke up angry. Watch out world.

Min

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

02-12-2010, 18:41

Thanks Paula, what you posted on Hope was very timely for me. We've just been away for the night to Jenolan Caves, was so good to get away from everything but it wasn't a long enough break! The night before I got conjunctivitis and a very sore throat! It's getting so ridiculous I actually laughed. We went anyway, no way was I going to let my body stop my plans another time.

I'm back to not sleeping very well which is annoying, I thought that phase had passed.

Emzy :hugs: going back to work is HARD, I didn't handle it well at all. And till now no one has acknowledged that anything happened. I hope you're able to settle in again.

I understand finding out your bub was "fine" can be so hard, because you can't understand then why couldn't they have lived? This is going to sound horrible, but when I hear of babies as young as mine surviving I get so jealous.

Oh god, have BOndi Vet on, she's delivering stillborn pups....oh god......no

2girls&1angelboy

02-12-2010, 20:20

Sorry girls just needed to come in to vent
Im just feeling so knotted up and stressed i feel so many emotions atm i dont know where I am or what im doing.
I wanted Kanes plaque on by christmas there is no way that will happen as it needs to be approved by the council because of its size its a 33cm x 33cm teady bear plaque.
Ive been thinking how much I was looking forward to having a mummys boy as the girls are such daddys girls and dressing him up in his clothes and spiking his hair up just like daddy does and all this stuff.
I hate it when people have asked me about Kane that when you say that Ive had my Son Kane but he was needed for the Angels more they say things like, it was meant to happens you can have another etc, i dont want any other i just want my Kane my little boy i was lucky to have and love and will continue to love.
Sorry rant over sorry i came here i had nowhere else to go

missymoo9

02-12-2010, 20:47

Hi ladies,
Ive been reading but havent been posting.

Not long after i had Christian a friend said "it just wasnt the right time" im like "yeah" thinking in my head "you know nothing"

A close friend is being induced today, at 19 weeks, all through her pregnancy the baby girl has been smaller than expected and its because the placenta is deformed and the blood flow is slow. They were going to take her at 24weeks but after more scans they dont think she'd make it and because theres low blood flow she'd be extremely disabled.
:-(

Im finding my mind is all over the place, ive got things that happened when i was a child affecting me alot atm.
I was 16 when i lost my bubba boy, and didnt give myself enough time to grieve my partner and i desperately wanted to be parents after losing Christian and i got pregnant 6 weeks after. And wanted a small age gap with my children so have two living children 23months & 6months and im 19 :/

I think if id of being older things would be so different. I really wish i could hold my little boy again :-( i miss him so much.

2girls&1angelboy

02-12-2010, 21:46

I'm back to not sleeping very well which is annoying, I thought that phase had passed.
I understand finding out your bub was "fine" can be so hard, because you can't understand then why couldn't they have lived? This is going to sound horrible, but when I hear of babies as young as mine surviving I get so jealous.

Sorry you aren't sleeping I still haven't had a decent night yet.
I know what you mean about hearing of babies the same age or even younger surviving there is a 21+6 day bub on a FB page that survived Kane was 22weeks and it breaks my heart that he isnt here.

Not long after i had Christian a friend said "it just wasnt the right time" im like "yeah" thinking in my head "you know nothing"
A close friend is being induced today, at 19 weeks, all through her pregnancy the baby girl has been smaller than expected and its because the placenta is deformed and the blood flow is slow. They were going to take her at 24weeks but after more scans they dont think she'd make it and because theres low blood flow she'd be extremely disabled.
:-(
I think if id of being older things would be so different. I really wish i could hold my little boy again :-( i miss him so much.

It hurts when people say things like that :(

Huge hugs to your friend sweetie i will be thinking of her.

I dont think age would make a difference im 24 and have 3 beautiful children just one is an Angel :hugs:

missymoo9

02-12-2010, 22:26

I mean things would of being different as if i were older i think id of given myself more time to heal, and no doubt id of know more about pregnancy

Min1111

03-12-2010, 06:17

Ilove- I saw on FB you are feeling a bit all over the place ATM. I am sorry they won't approve the plaque. Have you tried to call them? Maybe you explaining how important it is to have it for Xmas might speed things up.
Is the feeling you are having like you just want to run away but you are frozen in place?
I was like that a few days ago the whole opposing emotions thing is really annoying.
Please consider going to spend some time visiting and talking to some of those friends who offered on FB.

Missy- sorry for your loss.
I do understand a bit what you mean about being younger. The younger you are the more likely that when you lost bub you didn't have as much life experience to know the best way to deal with it. You may also have wanted to bury it because not many people would think it could happen to some so young so that nasty guilt a lot of us feel makes you put on a different face for the world. It's not until a long way down the track it comes back to bite you that you are forced to deal with it.
Unfortunately the more bad stuff happens in your life the better it prepares you if you have more in the future. Some of the amazing people I have seen go through this are now at a point where they are can see some positives. I hope I get to that stage one day. ATM all I can see is I am glad I got to feel my baby move and glad to have the 21 weeks together. Not too many other positives yet but one last one ; to live through most mothers worst nightmare make us stronger more empathetic woman who appreciate what they do have so much more.

JM- sorry the sleep is still evading you :(

PA- how are you today?

AFM- 1 more day of work till I am off on leave. Looking forward to some quality grieving next week.

Min

PA80

03-12-2010, 09:28

Morning everyone, sorry I can't say "Good" morning because it just isn't for me, but I wish it good for you all.

:hugs: for all you strong brave women.

I am feeling so flat today. :gloomy: Its jsut everything weighing me down......
Friends with baby same age just stayed a few days, was ok, but I can feel a breakdown coming today :crying:
DH is about to loose the plot, he's in a really really bad way emotionally, I'm worried sick about him, and getting help feels like an impossible task that is being made so difficult and I'm struggling to find the energy to deal with it. I'm almost at a point where I'm about to give up, just let it take me down, and give up the fight.
Then there's christmas looming..... :gloomy:
And other family stuff going on, and everything I eat makes me sick, and I'm so tired I can hardly function at work, and I'm just falling apart, but trying to hold it together for DH coz he desperately needs help - its getting seriously bad.

Do I have any strength left, can I do this? I keep having to ask myself and try to muster up some more, but I think I'm running out of steam....we have bills we cant pay, we clutch helplessly to anything that we wish would bring us closer to our boy, but nothing does. I feel so drained and empty.:gloomy:

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

03-12-2010, 11:00

:hugs: to everyone, it seems we all are having such a hard time. The only comfort is that each and every one of your posts echos my own thoughts and feelings. And at the same time it's horrible, because I wouldn't wish it on a anyone else.

Tamara - I was so relieved you felt the same about seeing very young premmies that survived. I feel so guilty about it but really had to see if any of you understood. I know some in here have had young premmies too - for some reason they don't bother me, I guess knowing what you mummies have already been through.

Paula, my heart breaks hearing you like this, you have always been so strong. It's not giving up to sometimes just give into the grief for a bit. Like the early days when you let yourself just feel whatever you're feeling...I think now getting further down the track we start to put expectations on ourselves. And some days you have to just let it all drop and fall apart before you can pick yourself back up again.

I think it's the relentless that wears us down. You think if I can just hold on for this little bit longer surely there will be some light at the end of the tunnel...and you keep holding on, and keep holding on, and still there's no light, and you start to wonder if there ever will be and how long you can hold on for. And then you realise it's never going to go away, because you're never going to get to hold your baby again earthside, and that is always going to hurt. So I think we need to stop trying to get over it, and just learn how to live with the hurt. It's not much help, I'm sorry I'm not in a great place myself for all the positives

I think that's the feeling all over the place bit too....I feel like my brain and heart are fighting it, trying to figure out a way to be ok..

Seems Christmas is going to be a really tough time...just keep coming here and checking in and hopefully we can pull each other through. Then I have to send my eldest off to school. The thought is just devestating. I was meant to have a baby at home when this happened.

I still remember the words I kept saying over and over when I birthed my sleeping boy, when we collected his ashes and sprinkled them in the river - It's not meant to be like this...I still find myself saying them: It's not meant to be like this.

Min1111

05-12-2010, 11:57

We have all been a bit quiet in here over the last few days.
Hope everyone is doing ok, hugs to all.

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

05-12-2010, 13:09

...I was worried I'd said something to offend everyone...

ForeverMine

05-12-2010, 13:11

Sorry ladies, I am still around.

I had my best friend come up for the week and she's just gone home.
It was good to see her because I just kept myself busy with her & never had time to just stop & do nothing.

And now we've just finished setting up the Christmas stuff and I can't help but be sad, when I hang the 4 big stocking, and then there is a small stocking for V & F.

2 years ago yesterday, we lost our daughter and my DH didn't say a thing. I can't believe him.

PA80

05-12-2010, 17:01

Hi,
I'm still here too, just lurking quietly.

We're having a really hard time at the moment, and I don't want to bring everyone else down, I feel like I don't have much to say...I'm in a bad place right now :gloomy:

:hugs:Love & Hugs to you wonderful angel mummies xoxo

TrulyBlessed

05-12-2010, 19:43

I'm still lurking too. Saw some of you were having a hard time with bubs born around the same GA of your bubs & surriving so thought it might be best to give you guys some space...

trishalishous

05-12-2010, 19:54

I've been flat out. DH is having lapbanding tomorrow, so we are in Perth.
I was shocked my older sister called and asked how I was, having my son and fathers deaths so close. it was so sweet, she's not the most tactful person (she means well but does say things without thinking) but it was so nice to have our grief acknowledged.
we are ttc again, and DH has agreed to no s e x in feb, as I really don't want a birthday at such a sad time (10months later is dec)
I'm a bit worried. I've packed up our boys clothes (taken me 7 months as I was convinced maybe he hadn't died, but was 'hiding' behind DD-even though I had 4 u/s after he passed away) and put them in the spare room, rather than the shed. both my sisters and DH have commented that I say 'next time they/he' as if I'm sure Ill have twins/a boy. its like I feel like I need to have twins with at least 1 boy to proove my body isn't cr@p.
has anyone else had the same?

2girls&1angelboy

05-12-2010, 20:07

Having a wierd day today i think AF is on her way and I feel so upset and angry did anyone else feel this way?

Min1111

05-12-2010, 20:27

I think it's abut funny that we all think we offending each other when we are probably the most understanding of anyone we could ever meet.
Truly- please don't stay away from us. I personally need you all here so I don't feel so alone.
Trish- I haven't fantasied about twins but I keep forgetting bub is not coming.

I was looking at a house design brochure and in my head I was walking through the house and I thought " that room would make a great nursery when the baby gets here" then I realised what I had thought and for a split second I didn't know where I was and thought maybe I was having a nightmare.
I guess the bit about it being nightmare probably is true.

I am looking forward to my grief week this week. Now I am off work to " deal with my emotional problem" as my boss words it. I will have to put a new playlist on my ipod with songs to make me cry so I can make the most of my alone time.

Any suggestions?

Must haves so far are ( excuse the rock theme) Wish you Were Here by Incubus, Burn your Name by Powderfinger, Waiting for the End by Linkin Park or All I Need by Air.

Also planning a bit of a new hair do. At the biggest turning points in my life I have always had a massive change in hair. I am thinking bright red this time and a bit shorter at the back. DH asked me if I was getting a frullet as in a front mullet :)

Hugs for all of you especially as we are about to drown in all things Xmas.

Min

missymoo9

05-12-2010, 22:18

Tears in heaven by eric clapton .

We played that at C's funeral when his coffin was been lowered.

We kept all c's stuff in a draw in our room and his memory chest. I dont think i could ever bring myself to move it.

Ive been so busy lately moving house and with Christmas coming up.
For those of you going to work i dont know how you can do it! Your sooo strong!!!

PA80

05-12-2010, 22:38

I will have to put a new playlist on my ipod with songs to make me cry so I can make the most of my alone time.

Any suggestions?

Must haves so far are ( excuse the rock theme) Wish you Were Here by Incubus, Burn your Name by Powderfinger, Waiting for the End by Linkin Park or All I Need by Air.

Also planning a bit of a new hair do. At the biggest turning points in my life I have always had a massive change in hair. I am thinking bright red this time and a bit shorter at the back. DH asked me if I was getting a frullet as in a front mullet :)

Hugs for all of you especially as we are about to drown in all things Xmas.

Min

Hi Min, have fun with the new hairdoo, its good for the soul :hugs:

My "crying " playlist consists of :
"smallest wingless" craig cardiff
"watch over me" Bernard Fanning
"precious child" Karen Taylor-Good
"with hope" Steven Curtis Chapman
"still" Gerrit Hofsink
"gone too soon" Michael Jackson
"glory baby" watermark
"run" snow patrol (although I still haven't figures out why)
"hope" thirsty merc

A few of which we played at A's funeral
I hope you get a good chance to do whatever you feel like doing. Try not to put expectations on yourself sweetie xoxoxoxo

Lytte- wishing your little angel a happy 2nd B'day in heaven....and (((GBH))) to you
:hugs: Such a hard time, so sorry your DH didn't acknowledge your pain. xoxo

Tamara- I was kinda glad my 1st AF arrived, as at least that was working....but was ****ed off & heart-broken at the same time.:hugs: I remember being so so angry that my body could do that, but not keep my baby boy alive & safe.

JM- Love you:hugs: No you haven't offended anyone.

Min1111

06-12-2010, 06:00

I forgot yesterday.
Lyette- Happy Birthday to your angel. Hope you are doing OK.
Sorry your DH wasn't there for you.
Huge hugs.

I will google your crying playlist today PA and see if I get any tears.

Min

2girls&1angelboy

06-12-2010, 12:29

Celine Dion Fly we had that at Kanes service

LN81110

06-12-2010, 13:37

2girls&1angelboy

06-12-2010, 13:48

Hello I would like to join. One month today since I lost my baby girl. My husband and I have ok days and then absolute miserable days. Reading some great books and accessing professional help but would love to chat to others...

Welcome sweetie, sorry to hear of your baby girl.
I have had the same days some good some bad.
We are always here to chat xxx

Min1111

06-12-2010, 16:25

Hi LN,
Sorry for the loss of your little girl.
I am sure you have read all of our posts so far to know how horrible it is to hear of anyone else having to go through this.
It's good to know everyone in here is feeling and thinking similar things. Makes you feel much more normal.

Min

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

06-12-2010, 17:26

I heard that old song that goes "Where oh where can my baby be, the Lord took her away from me...." and was heartbroken, even though he's singing about a partner..

Also, my little guy was due in September..we lost him in May, so through those long months in between "Wake me up when September ends" was very significant.

Also..that one "How to save a life"

Truly Blessed - I'm really sorry. It doesn't bother me for mothers in here, mothers who get it, mothers who have suffered. And it's not rational at all so please don't stay away now. It was just one of those horrible bitter things you find yourself feeling.

Had a bunch of people over the other night. One couple had twin boys, 7 months old. One was so tired but will only sleep in a cot and they hadn't brought anything, so I had to drag out our porta-cot...and our cot sheets I'd packed away. So for a couple of hours we had a baby boy sleeping in a cot in our room. That was hard. Don't know how you handled that bub staying for a couple of days Paula.

I wish I could be more supportive of everyone in here, I really want to be able to be strong to help everyone, I'm just not doing great at the moment.

trishalishous

06-12-2010, 18:58

:hugs: hon, I find that just having a safe place to talk helps.
hope everyones doing ok today x0x0

Emzy78

06-12-2010, 21:29

Welcome LN, its a great place to come and visit and feel "normal" because everyone knows what your going through.
Its been 5 weeks since we lost our little boy and there are still plenty of bad days, like today when a colleague had a go at me for not being happy and cheery in the mornings!

Emzy

Me and DP both 32 :valentine:
DS :angel: 31.10.10 19+5

PA80

07-12-2010, 00:42

:gloomy: I am about to loose my job, I am not coping, and can't pretend its going to get any better.....I will have to quit, or get fired. Far out I could do with a break. :crying:
Sorry no personals, I'm so down in the dumps and feel so lost.

:hugs: Hugs to you all, hope you are having a better day than me.

Min1111

07-12-2010, 05:50

PA- so sorry for you. Losing a job is hard enough without everything else that's happening.
Please message me if you need me to help in anyway I can job search for you, do your resume. If you have an option make them fire you then they will be more likely to give you more $ and you will also be able to register with Centrelink straight away. If you quit you get none of that.
Although you will feel terrible as you move through grief for your job and your bub, the job part could be a sign that there is a better paid more rewarding job out there waiting for you.
Thinking of you as you move through this.

JM- you are so strong to be constantly surrounded by young babies. I am yet to come face to face with a baby of someone I know let alone entertaining one in my house. I usually turn away or stare at them like a wierdo. I don't think I would be able to keep it together enough to be sociable at the same time.
I know what you mean about lines of songs. Allof those ones you mentioned would make me cry too. I also had a massive melt down in Best and Less the other week when "Fields of Gold" came on. Everyone was staring at me as DH bundled me out. That was in the first week after losing bub.

Emzy- hugs I get that too. " You're just not as cheery anymore" in my head I am thinking "Well do you think you would be if your baby had just died?"
They don't get it and I hope they never have to know what it's like.

Massive hugs for you all and I don't want anyone to avoid posting because they don't feel positive at the moment. On most days the best we can do is worry about ourselves and our family.
The best thing about us is our honesty we allneed to express the good, the bad and the ridiculously irrational.

Look after yourselves.

Min

2girls&1angelboy

07-12-2010, 09:46

We got the go ahead with Kanes plaque its going to cost us $1,000 another teddy plaque we looked at was only $550 and another that had a full poem on it was $950 and a little bigger

Min1111

07-12-2010, 12:02

Glad you have the approval for Kanes plaque. You should be able to get it on by Xmas now.
It's a bit of a price difference between the different ones I am sure whatever you pick will be beautiful.

2girls&1angelboy

07-12-2010, 12:53

It wont be on b4 xmas unfortuantely it still has to be made going to be at least another 6-8weeks

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

07-12-2010, 18:11

Tamara - so glad you got Kane's plaque approved, even though it wont be in time for Christmas I hope just knowing it was approved gives you some relief.

Paula - oh hun I'm so sorry, this year has been such a shocker. Seems the harder we try and pick ourselves up the more life pushes us down. I have a friend who says we have used up our bad luck now and next year there will be glitter rain following wherever we go to make up for it.

Min - speaking of songs, I heard Under the Bridge by the Chilli Peppers in the car on the way home today and just fell apart...specially the line "I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day"

I was remembering sitting in the hospital room, staring at the bed, before they induced me with Anil. And I was gripping the arms of the chair and only just stopping myself from jumping up and running out of the room to escape what I knew was coming. Because I knew then I was about to go through the worst experience of my life. And I knew it would break me. I was crying and pleading with DH saying "I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this" I knew once they started the induction that was it, there was no going back. I just can't keep doing this, keep being the mother of a dead baby.

2girls&1angelboy

07-12-2010, 18:22

Vey happy its been approved.

J- aw hunni everything would seem so raw for you as well, i know i have through my head that i wish i would wake up i keep thinking its just a dream but no matter how much i pinch myself i dont wake up.

This isnt prob the best place to ask but i was wondering if anyone knows what has to be done after baby is born to declare he/she is an angel so sorry if I hurt anyone

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

07-12-2010, 18:31

We knew already with my son, they were very thorough on the scan to confirm he was gone before I was induced. We didn't see a paed or ob examine him, but later one came in to talk to us about possible cause of death so I'm assuming once we handed him over he was then examined to satisfy their requirements of confirming death. I guess the midwives just did a quick mental check when he was born, kind of like apgar...obviously he would have gotten 0's.

trishalishous

07-12-2010, 18:39

:hugs: paula!!!

2girls&1angelboy

07-12-2010, 18:41

Its just got me thinking because Kane was moving about not alot then went into labour once i got to the hospital they didnt use a doppler or that machine thing CTG is it and when he was born all the midwife done was put her hand on Kane's chest and then handed him to me, he made little noises and wrapped his hand around my finger

TrulyBlessed

07-12-2010, 19:23

Huge :hugs: & :kiss: to you all.

I was the same as JM's mum. Couldn't find Jacob's heartbeat on the doppler at antenatal. Portable u/s was bought in. You could tell he was already gone as he was so still. Then I was sent for a full scan at radiology a few hrs later.

Girls reading your posts reminds me of how I felt this time last year. So raw & all the what ifs.

If it helps I was keeping a journal feel free to have a read http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=289412 cause what you are feeling is completely normal.

I still have my days. I don't think its something you get over. But more so something you learn to live with. We have no choice about that fact. I have Jacob's memory box & I pull it out regularly when I need to be closer to him or have a good cry. We also go to see him regularly (hubby isn't a fan of cremation so we burried him at the childrens cemetry) but that in a way is nice as it's somewhere I can go if I need some time out to be with him etc.

The only way is to put 1 foot in front of another 1 day at a time & on those days that are not good ones break it down to hr by hr or min by min.

PA80

07-12-2010, 21:58

Tamara- I was also induced after they could find no HB. I had felt no movement for a day and a half before I was induced. I'm pretty certain I know when he actually died, in hindsight.

Did you go into labour naturally?
Wow that is so sweet that he grabbed your finger :cloud9:, It kills me that our babies are not with us now :crying:

Min1111

08-12-2010, 05:25

Oh wow Tamara I didn't know Kane was moving when he was born. I am not sure if that would make me feel better or worse if that happened to me. I am glad you got to feel him move and see him hold your hand. Very sweet.

I was induced after no heartbeat also.
I was worried when I was in labour that they had made a mistake so I was a bit relieved to feel no movement. I delivered bub into my hands , sac still intact with the placenta a few seconds later. I had at least 2 minutes alone while DH went to get the nurses.

LN81110

08-12-2010, 07:46

Hi Tamara, I was induced also after two checks of no heartbeat one with my local gp and then at the hospital. I also felt no movement for 2 days prior and the awful thing was that this is often considered normal as bubs do go quite before they arrive. Lovely that you felt him move. I am trying to put on a brave front for xmas but to be honest not feeling that good about it....

2girls&1angelboy

08-12-2010, 08:45

I had some advice from a few people to get the hospital notes which im going to do.

LN81110

08-12-2010, 17:54

Yes good idea. I am getting mine next month.

2girls&1angelboy

08-12-2010, 18:21

I rang the hospital and they said to go to my GP and get him to said a fax to get report wont cost me anything otherwise if i go thru to get them myself it will cost me $50.
Went and visited my little man and put s couple xmas things up got a few more things to take up yet.
I spent an hour up there today
I got AF yesterday and its so bad today (sorry tmi) i dont know what to expect with it as i never got it back til near a year after i had my girls

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

09-12-2010, 09:12

It's JaidevsMum here, just changed my username and pic. They are my little boys footprints.

Tamara I was surprised to get AF back exactly a month after losing my little boy, it was very heavy and hormones didn't help with the grief and emotions either. Glad you got to spend some time with you boy yesterday.

Truly Blessed thanks for sharing your journal with us...was good to see the changes over time

Min can't believe they left you alone during a stillbirth xo

Hope everyone is doing ok, or at least having a few moments in a day that give you hope that one day you might feel ok. Things are still tough here, seems everywhere I turn people are talking about pregnancy, birth and babies. Christmas without Anil, and without being 23 weeks pregnant (which I would have been if I hadn't miscarried after Anil) I just feel empty.

Poppess

12-12-2010, 17:45

Hi ladies,

I didn't realise this section had been set up, when my Veronica was born sleeping last year there weren't to many other stillbirth Mum's posting. I've read a few of your stories before and I just wanted to say how deeply sorry I am that your precious babies could not stay here with you.

I posted my story in the Grief and Loss section about this time last year but a brief overview. On the 10th Dec 2009 my daughter Veronica was born sleeping at 41 weeks. We went into the hospital the night before (the 9th)to be induced as we were overdue, all was well, they checked her HB at 6.30am on the 10th and all was well but when the OB came at 7am and had me start to push they couldn't find the heartbeat. I was rushed in for an emergency c-section but it was to late. They don't know why she died, we're just the 1 in 200 and then the 3rd of those whose baby dies suddenly for no reason at full term. It's been describe to me as SIDs in utero.

It's been a rollercoaster year of emotions for me, we just had Veronica's first birthday on Friday and I thought I'd share a letter I wrote to her (apologise for the long 1st post!)

My dear Veronica

A year ago today you silently came into my life and changed it forever.

You were so perfect with chubby cheeks, long like you parents and with big feet and old man hands. I still remember so clearly looking at you with such pure amazement and feeling so much love. It was the best and the worst day of my life. For knowing you had left us shattered my heart into a million tiny fragments.

A year on and a part of my heart is gone forever, for you took that with you when you left. What should have been a year of lack of sleep and firsts still was but not in the way I had thought. I decided early on though that not having you with me was not going to turn me into a bitter and angry person. That would be easy to do though to focus on life being unfair, of the injustice, to constantly ask why us when we would have given you everything to be angry at the world of going on when you were not here...

I didn't want your short 41 weeks with us to be a negative. You deserved more from your mummy! You brought so much joy to all the family during your too brief time. So that knowledge has made me get out of bed in the mornings, to function and even to laugh. I still have my moments though when its too much the pain is all encompassing but I know that's ok too. I let myself feel that and then remember something that made me smile - like the gentle rolls you did that made my belly look like the waves rolling on the ocean.

I still miss you so very much, I would do anything to hold you again, to see the way your Daddy looked at you, to watch you play and see your 1st smile. I know though that you are not far away, I feel you with me every day.

I wish you a HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY my angel Veronica. Remember that Mummy and Daddy love you very much. I hope that you see your balloons today and dance on the clouds with your precious angel friends.

Love and miss you ever day.
Mummy. xxx

Now I know this thread is here I'll come back and definitely do some more personals next time.

Min1111

12-12-2010, 21:25

What a beautiful post Poppess. Very sorry you dont have your beautiful Angel Veronica here with you.

Hope we can you keep you company and maybe you can guide some of us newbies through these early days.

OOHHH new smilie :bigwelcome:

I usually post from my iPod so miss all these fun ones.

Hi Everyone else, hope you are doing OK.

Min

PA80

12-12-2010, 23:46

Hi Poppess,
I have seen you around, I think we have chatted before, but Welcome!
happybirthdayto your darling little :angel: for Friday, that must have been a very hard day. I've got so many mixed emotions about my boy's 1st B'day, I want to remember him in a special and meaningful way, but its going to be such a hard day.

:hugs:Big Hugs to you all...I hope you are all hanging in, it's been quiet in here lately....

Poppess

13-12-2010, 12:17

Thanks for the welcome girls.

My only advice is to plan ahead, I think knowing that I had things to do really helped. I struggled more the day before remembering the excitement of going in etc and day after cause its like now what do I do...

How are you coping with Xmas? Do you have any plans on how to include your Angels on the day?

2girls&1angelboy

13-12-2010, 13:46

Welcome popess. :cuddle:
I think I can remeber reading about your precious girl Veronica. xxx

Min how are you going

PA i want to do something special for Kane for his birthday as well its a matter of finding that special thing isn't it.

Xmas I dont want to come I still havent set up the tree or got any pressies yet but i have to do it for my girls its a matter of finding that strength
My house is slowly starting to get organised again im cooking a proper meal tonight first one really since Kane was born
Had a special photo yesterday DP took one of the girls with his sister when they were laying on the floor and there was Orbs :hyper:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=43960&id=100000573234574&l=7db19f0ef3

Min1111

14-12-2010, 12:46

:wave: Hi Everyone,

I am still here. Still doing a lot of the denial / supression method of coping at the moment. I know I need to force myself to go there mentally to do a bit more grieving but every time I get ready to I conveniently find something else more urgent to do.

Things are also at the stage where everyone else just wants me to move on. Although he would never say it I think DH is sick of hearing me talk about things, so I am starting to hide some of those thoughts & feelings from him.

I had a bit of a break down in Coles this morning. Just popped in for some bread and there was a mum with a very new born that was crying. That sound had tears rolling down my cheeks in a few seconds flat. I thought it was a good way to force myself to feel so I just hung around them for a while longer then I needed too. Once the tears had well and truly started to flow I started walking around the shop and the next few minutes is a bit of a blur. I dont remember getting to the other side of the store but I just sort of looked up and I was there.

DD only has 1 more day of school for the year so tomorrow is my last day of alone time. I am doing OK with the thought of Xmas I think it will be worse next year as the baby wasnt supposed to be here this year yet.

Ilove- I saw your orb pics and they are very special. It seems to have given you a lot of comfort to see that. :hugs:

PA- I saw in another thread you have your referrals now so hopefully you get start to feel a bit better both mentally and physically.

Ok, better go do some stuff. Its been a busy week for us with 3 concerts for our fave bands which is bitter sweet because when we bought the tix I was expecting to be 29 weeks preg and worried how bub would go with all the noise and vibration. I have been managing to have a bit of a cry during the sad songs.

Min

PA80

15-12-2010, 09:42

Morning all,
How is everyone getting along?

Min- you are a very busy girl, I hope you are getting some smiles from enjoying your fav bands. Please make sure you take some time to let that grief in though.......Don't supress it too much that it comes to bite you in the bum later xoxoxo

Not sure if I mentioned, I'm braving a trip back to see my fam @ xmas, and meet my niece who was born a few months after my son. I'm poo-ing myself nervous about it.
I had a dream (nightmare) last night that I got there, and everyone was there with their babies, and I just lost it completely and couldn't even look at her. Then it was backed up by a dream about work, that they all hated me and were conspiring to boot me out.

I feel like my life is such a big mess right now, I feel quite lost, in limbo, wandering aimlessly......

But I was talking to my mum last night (who has been in these painful shoes herself, my big brother was stillborn) and she found some article written by a mother that is apparently quite apt in describing the feelings we have, she cut it out, and is giving it to my sister, so she can try to have some empathy for how that situation of meeting her baby is going to be for me.
Gees I'm nervous. I don't want to be a horrible mean Aunty, I should be loving my niece. But I do feel bitter and ripped off, to be honest. If I can hold up a brave face for a bit, then get out of sight to loose the plot, that would be good. Its not like I haven't met my friends new babies, but I think its diff with my sister. She was jealous when I got pg, coz she'd had 3 m/c's, then we were happy to be pg together not long after.....then my boy died, then her girl was born healthy & happy, and I have to hear her complain about her crying for an hour, or being so busy & tired....I know it different on this side of the fence, but I just hate that I have this life, as much as I'm happy for her with her perfect little family.
Ergghhhhh, thats my whinge for now..............
Sorry just had to get that off my chest somewhere safe :ecomcity:

Min1111

16-12-2010, 07:08

PA- you are a very strong woman to see your niece at a time at a time when you are already expecting it will be hard to deal with.

AFM- yesterday was amazing. I did have a few smiles and a few tears knowing that when I bought the tickets I was expecting to be 29 weeks preg. But it was really important to live in the moment. It's not every day you get to meet your fav band, walk the stage, and get your photo taken or win a spot right next to the side of the stage. It was a once in a life time experience and while it would have been better with bub there too I can only be grateful that DH and I had that experience out of the millions of fans worldwide.

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

17-12-2010, 14:20

I get funny about doing things now and realising if we'd gotten to keep Anil we wouldn't have been able to do them or it would have been more difficult. I feel guilty as though we're revelling in not having him here. I'm going to a concert Sunday night too. On the other hand I try and tell myself I didn't die that night and I need to find a way to keep on living.

I'm really struggling today. I'm so emotionally exhausted and just want some time off from being a grieving mother. Just want to remember how it felt not to have this constant ache. It's so hard to feel this way endlessly. People don't watch what they say around me anymore...I guess there's only so long I can expect for them to...but it's so hard. They surely can't understand just how it makes me feel for them to decide it's ok to do it. Not sure if that makes sense.

I was focusing on losing weight to feel like I have at least some control over what's happening with my body, but for no apparent reason gained weight this week. It has really thrown me and I'm desperate to go back to some not-healthy ways of coping that I had. This along with having stillborn babies constantly brought up in conversation, and then today at the CPR course there was a video with people doing CPR on dummies of babies, and I just don't know how much more I can take.

I'm sorry for the "me" post and I hope everyone is doing ok, I'm just starting to feel a little desperate and a lot of anxiety today.

PA80

18-12-2010, 09:16

I had this same thought afew times lately....like I'll dash into the shops to grab something, and I guess because 'A' was my first child, I don't really know what its like to be a mum, so I see mums getting their bub's in & out of the car, going into the shops, or mums with a hoard of kids trailing along, and I think ~ it is easy just being alone. But I absolutely hate it at the same time, I know I would give up the ease and convenience in heartbeat, to be slowed down by my boy, and be spending time with him, rather than living what feels like a pointless existence at the moment. (Work, cook, eat, sleep, work, cook, eat, sleep.....)

:hissy: I wanna be a mum so bad :crying:

PA80

20-12-2010, 22:23

:wave:Hellooooo, maybe I'm all alone here now???
I hope you are all doing ok, as we're nearing the horrible silly season....

I think of you all often
xoxo

Kisses to heaven for our sweet perfect angel babies :Cloud9Blue::cloud9::angel:

TrulyBlessed

21-12-2010, 16:22

Hey guys just a quick one. We are still in hospital and Livvy is now being treated for meningitis. Lumber puncture came back with white cells this morning. So now have to wait to see what the spinal fluid grows be it viral or bacterial. So maybe AWOL for a while yet xoxo

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

21-12-2010, 17:36

Truly Blessed - I'm so sorry about Olivia, not fair you should be going through this worry with her after losing a baby. Hope she improves quickly and surprises all the doctors.

Paula - still here! I went to the Bon Jovi concert on Sunday night and it's seen me start to pick up a little. I was having a really bad time but being there and being a part of it all made me remember what it's like to enjoy being alive, and appreciate that there is still so much I want to do with my life.

Christmas is still going to be really rough. We have Anil's stocking on the tree, it's gorgeous. I'm just going to try and enjoy the happy times and let myself remember him quietly in the sad times.

Good luck for everyone else getting through the next week or so. Deep breaths and hold on for the ride.

xoxoxo

Min1111

21-12-2010, 20:51

Truly- So sorry to hear little Olivia is not well. Hope that special Angel she has keeps on fighting hard for her. You are so amazingly strong to go through this after all you have already been through. My thoughts with you and your family now and hoping she is well soon.

JM- Hope its Ok to call you that or I can go with MAVAO ? I glad you felt a little bit better at the concert, even a split second of light can really give you a lift. I am glad you have the stocking up to give you a bit of comfort. Hope you are coping OK ATM.

PA- Hope you are doing OK in the lead up to your nieces visit and the time of year you are dreading. Not sure if you have been able to get in for the counselling you were after but hopefully it will help you.

AFM- I read this thread almost every day and go to post then just dont know what to write. I have been a bit up and down this week and still feeling a strong desire to run. Just walk away from everything or get in the car and drive. I am feeling very distant from everyone except DD, ATM. I am clinging to her very closely but I just feel claustrophobic with anyone else around me. I think it is just the pressure from everyone else for me to be over it.
I also have an overwhelming sense of fear as I am approaching AF which would signal the start of TTC again. While I desperately would love to be UTD again I am terrified I will have another loss and the cycle will happen all over again.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting over the last week. I bought a beautiful little book to use as sort of a journal which I keep in my box of special things. I have started writing in it as sort of a letter to my Angel. I still need to do more but it is at least a start.

I was thinking today how ridiculous it is that a single calendar year could contain so many happy memories and also some of the saddest. In the weeks before we found out bub was gone I was probably the happiest I had ever been in my life. It amazes me how quickly your whole life can unravel and drag you down to the bottom of your existance.

Hopefully next year will give us all the things we wish for.

Kisses for the Angel babies and special kisses for Olivia.

Min

Poppess

22-12-2010, 23:06

Hi ladies,

Sorry I've be MIA, haven't had a chance to get on the computer and on my phone now...

But wanted to send my thoughts to truly, I hope your little one is better soon.

Such a hard time of year, this is our 2nd Xmas but last year I think I was still in a bit of shock ... this year I should be chasing after a 1 year old... I'm trying to stay positive though and to just make sure I include Veronica in my day. I'm also now an expert in walking through a shopping centre and not taking in my surroundings!

I've just heard some terribly sad news, a lady I know has just had her 3rd Angel... I just can't understand it, she has been such a fabulous support always there with the right words... my heart just breaks for her and this was it, she won't be able to conceive again. I can't comprehend why life can be so very cruel.

Will pop back tomorrow for a proper post.

Sending big hugs

ForeverMine

23-12-2010, 07:52

Ladies, I just need to come in here and vent!!!

It's been a month today since we lost Felix, and in that time friends and family have mentioned his name 3 times since then.

I put on FB this morning that it's been a month and he everyone seems to of forgotten him except me, and suddenly an outpouring comes through again.

I just want to scream and shout that "NO - you didn't remember him, if I hadn't of said anything, you would never of even though about him today. Don't pretend like he's "always in your thoughts and prayers" because I know he's not!" I hate this false hope and support from people...

I don't except every moment of everyday for everyone to be thinking of him, obviously - but don't lie to me and say something like that.

I'm sorry, I just had to say something to you ladies, who I'm sure understand how I feel, even though it's so irrational.

Min1111

23-12-2010, 11:48

Forever- I know what you mean . I just deleted more than half the people I had on FB. I don't post much about our bub on there mainly cause the vulnerability of outing it out there just makes me anxious.
I am not sure what is worse. Fake well wishes or ignoring what happened? I guess I will get to test the theory when I am face to face with a house full of relos in a few days. Ick dreading that Sooooo much.

Hugs for all of you to get through the next few days. I don't think I have ever looked forward to a new year this much in my life.
Min

TrulyBlessed

23-12-2010, 15:20

Christie I'm not gonna lie & say I remembered today was a month. I'm sorry sweetie usually I remember xoxo

ForeverMine

23-12-2010, 15:41

Your right Amy! :hugs:

Your up to your ears in medical issues with Livy atm. More than understandable.

Hey...your the one who acknowledges him the most!

Poppess

23-12-2010, 22:58

The people I thought would be there for me and remember Veronica haven't, which makes me sad and not really angry but I guess just hurt. Yet some people have completely surprised me and will often mention her and.send ne little gifts and messages.

I think people just don't know what to do, that's what annoys me the most, stillbirth happens but its so taboo to talk about it. That's why I talk about Veronica all the time now and I've noticed that I get less of the uncomfortable looks and quick changes of conversation. But it has been a year and I did recently to a fb cull of people who have not even acknowledged our loss once in all that time.

I think as the years roll by and we have more kids even less people will remember and that scares me. But I guess its also my job to make sure that doesn't happen.

Ah its all so hard sometimes.

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

24-12-2010, 13:44

Ahh facing all the relos is going to be interesting that's for sure. My cousins wife is due in February with their first so that will be tough to handle. Just hoping there aren't any surprise pregnancy announcements.

I think most are uncomfortable and feel helpless in the face of our grief, so they like to think we're moving on so they don't have to be uncomfortable any more. Hard life for some hey?

I've been thinking a lot about how life can change in an instant and we never know what tomorrow will bring. I still remember the last few minutes before we found out Anil was gone. We were so excited about the scan and if we found out his gender we were going to go with our boys over to the shopping centre and buy him an outfit. Seems naive now looking back. We had no idea our world was about to collapse. I'm trying to turn it into a positive though. Knowing things could change any moment, I'm wanting to make the most of every moment I have with my living boys and my husband.

I finally saw the specialist and early January will be having a gastroscopy (put you out and then camera down your throat) and a scan to rule out gallbladder but he actually said a lot of what I describe are often also symptoms brought on by depression. It really stunned me...on the one hand angry at myself, that I've been the one making myself sick stopping me from TTC, the next moment angry at life that I'm still suffering from losing my son, then the next relieved that it's something I have some control over. So my main aim now is getting healthy mentally and then the physical may follow. I'm going to hunt down a grief counsellor in the New Year and focus on de-stressing my life.

Take care everyone, Merry Christmas to our angels.

Min1111

24-12-2010, 20:56

Wishing all the Angel Mummies a not too distressing Xmas.

Special hugs and kisses for all our sweet Angels :hugs:

Min

PA80

26-12-2010, 23:19

Hi everyone,
I'm not going to say Merry Christmas, because if you're anything like me, it just couldn't be 'merry' this year. I'm just glad its over.
But I do hope you have all survived it ok, and had some pleasant and not-so-painful moments.

I am wide awake.....cannot sleep, laying there thinking about what should have been, I haven't done this much. I guess I haven't allowed myself to much, its too painful and fruitless. But being back in my home town, surrounded by people I know with new babies, being around people I haven't seen since I was blissfully pregnant...It's so freakin hard.

We ran away and spent the last few days just together chilling out, it was pretty good, we managed to relax a bit. I have also jumped the hurdle of meeting my new niece, who was conceived 9wks after our boy. She is about 13wks old now. She's very cute, but far out it has been so damn confronting. I just had to shut down and block all my thoughts to hold it together for my sisters sake. Then once we were alone again I cried for hours.

We're also picking up our pram and a bunch of baby clothes, that we had left at my mums place, and taking it all home.
Its just like everything is reinforcing that Austin is missing.
I am feeling smothered by the feeling that life is so unfair, and this situation just isn't right. I want my son back. I keep thinking "Why do they get to keep their babies? Why couldn't we? Why do we have to suffer?"

That knowledge that this is our life now, that this will never change, that we never get to have him back, I just don't know how to live with that.

Sorry for the big vent.....

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

28-12-2010, 14:22

That knowledge that this is our life now, that this will never change, that we never get to have him back, I just don't know how to live with that.

I think this is what I struggle with the most, it always comes back to this. And I don't know how to accept it. I was thinking I would even settle for just one more cuddle..anything really...

I finally chose a memory box for Anil's things, just waiting for it to arrive now. DS2 is just wearing a pull-up overnight now as he's mostly dry overnight so I'm going to pack away all our cloth nappies this afternoon and get them out of sight. I can't live next year hoping for and thinking of having a baby only to have it not happen again so anything related to babies is being packed out of sight.

Had a bittersweet experience last week. We were at DH's cousin and their baby girl (same age Anil would have been) was really unsettled and they couldn't figure out what to do with her, so in the end I took her into the dark hallway and rocked her and sang to her the way I always did with my older boys but never got to with Anil and sure enough she went to sleep. I went back into the lounge and was walking around humming softly to keep her asleep as she was still restless. My DS2 had severe reflux so I've had a lot of practise at the whole rocking and humming bit...anyway, DH doesn't talk about Anil much, it's how he copes, but he was looking at me in a certain way that I knew he was thinking of our boy, and how I would have rocked him to sleep. When we were alone in the room I whispered to him "I've still got it, right?" and he just looked at me all misty eyed and nodded.

As sad as it was, it was healing too. I guess a part of me always felt I was denied having my boy because I don't deserve him, because I wasn't a good enough mother. It's nice to think that maybe that's not true.

The sadness hit me harder than I expected Christmas morning. I was fine while we were opening presents but then I had a moment alone and I let myself feel everything for a bit and it just overwhelmed me. I had a shower and just let myself cry for a while before getting ready and getting on with the day.

Min1111

30-12-2010, 07:39

Hi Lovely Mummies,
I have been reading but not posting. Looks like a few of us have had some enlightening experiences over the last week or so. I hope those days weren't too hard on you all and you were able to find some light within the shadows.
I ended up with both extremes of relos. Most did the semi ignore so they gave me a big hug and said are you OK? Are you really OK? But didn't actually mention what had happened. Then I had one who was asking me a lot of questions but that really annoyed me as she was doing it to 'fix' me. She is very in to alternative therapies so she was recommending all of these random things to make me better but couldn't seem to understand that I actually think I am doing pretty good considering. In the end I needed to walk away from her to stop her asking questions.
The last week I have somehow found the courage to TTC again. I saw a baby on Xmas Eve in the supermarket queue and she was gorgeous she looked up at me waved and when I waved back she smiled and in that instant I remembered how awesome it is when that happens and it's your baby. So now I want one. Also saw a lot of photos of my DD as a new born which took me back there. I think the reward now is worth the risk. The fear is still massive but I think I can overcome it.
I am now CD3 so back on the Clomid tommorrow and see how we go this cycle. It would be a good way to start the year if we are lucky enough to get UTD first try back. We were UTD first try Clomid when I fell with Our Angel after a very long time of trying.
It's been really interesting to see how differently each of us have been grieving and how those things have been helping us cope.
JM- I have a vision in my head of you with that baby and it is beautiful. I hope you and your family get that for real next year.
PA- I truly hope you also have your dreams come true you are already an awesome Mum and I am sure Austin will do everything he can to help you have another bub. I hope that journey is fast and trouble free.
Best wishes for all of the other Mums too.
Min

2girls&1angelboy

30-12-2010, 08:38

Wish I could sleep the last two nights have been bad the night b4 a stayed up going thru and thru Kanes albumn and last night i was tossing and turning couldnt fall asleep thinking i should be doing this because ive got a huge belly making me uncomfortable but its not so i laid there and cried

Poppess

30-12-2010, 18:31

Hi ladies,

2girls&1angelboy sorry you haven't been sleeping. Have you tried writing in a journal? This worked for me when I wasn't able to sleep - somehow just getting my thoughts out of my head helped. I also wrote to Veronica, I don't know why but it just gave me a bit peace...

Min that's a big decision that you've made, I think you know when it's right to start ttc again. I wish you so much luck and hope that it doesn't take long. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it but I'm pregnant again at the moment (4 mths along), I found ttc a bit stressful and upsetting because each month I thought I shouldn't have to be doing it when AF would show up... My cycle was also completely out of whack so that didn't help. But when I saw that second line again I was very excited and a little scared. I keep telling myself though that this is a different pregancy and I will enjoy it and not stress out because as we all know some times the memories of pregnancy are all that we have left with... I have everything I can cross crossed for you :)

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea, I have the most beautiful vision of you with that baby. I'm glad that you gave yourself some 'you' time on Christmas day to be sad and cry. I did smile because I actually did the same thing but I did it Christmas night - the shower is a great place to cry!

PA80 I have those thoughts too why do others get to keep their babies when I couldn't keep mine. I wouldn't wish losing a baby on anyone but I just get so angry sometimes that I was the 1 in 200 that lost her baby. I was driving home today and just can't believe a whole year has gone by when I haven't had Veronica with me - it was one of the things that scared me the most, that time would go on and I just have so much ahead of me without her with me. I teared up in the car because from Saturday I can't say my daughter died last year, it'll be a year and then 2 and then 3... (sorry sometimes I ramble a bit)

Anyway, ladies I often read (on my phone)but haven't had a lot of time to jump on the computer. So I just wanted to pop in and give you all :hugs:
Michelle

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

31-12-2010, 09:01

Min - that's huge that you feel ready to ttc. I was like Michelle when I was pregnant after losing Anil - I found I wanted to make the most of every moment knowing now that it may not last and that surprised me. Having lost that baby too I'm glad I approached the pregnancy in that way or I would have regretted it.

Tamara - I've started learning some breathing techniques to help me wind down to sleep and stop the constant thoughts mulling round my head. It's part of trying to de-stress to help with my reflux/heartburn issue so I can get off the medication and be able to ttc. Last night wasn't good but I have a lot on my mind with New Years almost here.

Michelle - congratulations on your pregnancy! You give me hope. After losing Anil and then my miscarriage a part of me is scared that that's it for me, that I'm now going to be THAT woman that has loss after loss after loss. SOmetimes it still seems so surreal that this is my life now, that I am the mother of a stillborn baby, I still think surely these things happen to somebody else, not to US. I relate to the time since you lost your daughter feeling odd...it's kind of like it doesn't count to others as much the further you get from it. Now I will be the one saying "last year."

Paula - hope you and your DH are doing ok xo

I keep seeing ads for shows that will be on tonight - a summary of everything that happened in 2010. I wonder if I should watch it to find out what actually happened outside my grief, because most of the rest of the world was a blur to me this year. On the other hand, it will all seem stupid and insignificant compared to losing my son. Then there are shows making predictions for 2011 and I just think 'I don't want to know!!'

I recieved Anil's memory box much sooner than I'd expected. It felt strange packing all his things in there, seems so final and also so little. That that is all we have left to show that we had a son. I've made goals for 2011 that have nothing to do with ttc or babies. I can't make it my focus or purpose only to end the year with no baby again. I've also packed away anything related to babies including all our cot sheets etc that were in our linen closet.

We got our positive pregnancy test for Anil first thing New Years day so expecting tomorrow to be emotional. It's strange too, feels like 2010 was his year, his life, his death, grieving him. I feel in a way that moving into 2011 it's like we're leaving him behind. And on one hand I'm not ready for that, but I know we have to move forward and keep living. I'll never forget him though, never stop missing him.

I'm a little scared of what the new year will hold. We began 2010 so naieve and full of hope with no idea of just how devestating it would be, how it would change us and our family forever. So I'm a little scared of the unknowns in 2011. On the other hand I feel like it's a chance for a fresh start.

Sorry for the long rambling, just thought you guys would understand the conflicting emotions. Happy New Years everyone, my hope is that 2011 is kind to us all.xoxo

trishalishous

31-12-2010, 11:22

hi ladies, been reading not posting much. I'm still waiting on my test results to see if I DO have sheenans syndrome, as it means hormone treatment to TTC and carry (as well as the rest of my life).
I'm still waiting on AF, but I'm am BF, so that's the 'explanation' for my loss of fertility so far.
happy new year to everyone, and I hope 2011 is a great year for us all.

Min1111

01-01-2011, 20:19

Hi,
Just quick post from my iPod.
Tamara- sorry you are still having trouble sleeping. If you have an iPod you can get a free podcast called zzzzzzzzzzzz it is like a guided relaxation designed to put you to sleep. I used when I am having trouble sleeping I am usually so relaxed when it ends I just take out the head phones and off to sleep but usually I fall asleep before the end. I have recommended it to a few friends and it has been good for them too. Let me know if you have any trouble finding it on iTunes and I will hunt it down for you.
MAVAO- I glad you have your memory box now. I always keep mine close by too.

Michelle- congrats on your bub coming along. I am glad you are still able to enjoy it. I am hoping if I am lucky enough to fall again I will be able to relax as well. I was very anxious with DD then last pregnancy I was very calm and relaxed. So who knows how I will cope if I am ever UTD again. I really enjoy being pregnant I even enjoy the bad stuff because I think it's all so amazing. I hope you have a trouble free pregnancy and get to hold that happy healthy bub in your arms.
Paula- hope you are having a good time on your drive home and you were able to get some relaxing you time. Fingers crossed for your FS appt in a few days.
Trish- hope you get some answers soon too.

Can't remember who else I have forgotten. Sorry too hard to see stuff on my iPod.

I had a bit of a NYE cry last night can't believe some of the best and worst moments of my life all fitted in the same year.
Looking forward to the future with our special little Angel watching over us.
Min

PA80

02-01-2011, 15:03

Hi Angel Mummies
Sorry I've been missing lately, I've been reading from my phone, but I'm home again after one heck of a long, hot drive.....

So here we are, the other side of Christmas, and beginning 2011.....
I really mirror a lot of your feelings, like not wanting to let go of 2010 because that's when my son was born, when I had all the memories of him playing inside me. But on the other hand it has been the most painfull year of my life. But I can't look back on it and say it was the worst year, becasue I feel so blessed to have carried and given birth to my boy. It is a year that will never be forgotten or blend into the rest, that's for sure.

DH & I avoided Christmas very successfully, and actually had a relaxing and enjoyable day, just us & our dogs, it was nice. We didn't wish anyone Merry Christmas, and gave and received no gifts that day. We cried, we laughed, it was a good day.
I survived meeting my new niece, she is cute, but it was as confronting as I thought it would be, lots of sobbing followed....

We welcomed the crossover from 2010 to 2011 in the middle of nowhere, on the Nullabor, where we sat and stared up at the vividly bright, clear stars....we didn't say much, but it was a special moment.

Tuesday we meet the new OB, I can't wait! It will be DH's B'day....last year we had a scan on his B'day and tears ran down our faces as we spied in on our gorgeous lil man at 12wks. DH said to my sister the other day, "I hope we get the green light to TTC on my Bday" I was quite surprised, as he's been hesitant, but I'm so glad he is feeling more on par with me. We'll see what the doc says, what tests I have to go through before getting UTD. I'm O'ing tomorrow I think, but might get another chance at the end of Jan as my cycles are pretty short lately... so here's hoping :fingerscrossed:

Sorry for the :ecomcity: its been a while!

Michelle- :cheerleader1: Congrats on your pregnancy! Wow that's so exciting! Wishing you a very smooth 5 months ahead, and a bouncing healthy bub to take home :goodvibes:

Min- Good luck TTC :babydust1::hoponbed::babydust2: Good on you for being brave enough to get back on the horse! I hope it happens quickly, and is smooth sailing :goodluck:

Trish - Good luck with test results

MAVAO- :hugs:I hope you reach your goals this year. Maybe I need to do that too, set some non-pregnancy / baby related goals.... Its prob not healthy for that to be my only 'plan' for the year.

Tam- :hugs: I hope yopur sleep improves, I was on sleeping pills for a while after Austin died, although not a good long term idea, they did help me in the short term, just to be able to function a little better, rather than being worn out and delerious!

:cheersdears:Here's to this year......may it bring you all happiness, and see your dreams fulfilled. xoxo

Emzy78

06-01-2011, 09:11

Hi Everyone,
I have been reading in the last couple of weeks but not posting.
It seems that everyone survived the christmas / new year period, I hope that 2011 brings joy and good memories for you all.

We have our appointment with the OB next week to get all the test results. Im starting to get a little nervous. I have written down some questions that I would like to ask and that have been on my mind. Does anyone have any suggestions about questions to ask or things that I need to find out?
I dont want to come out and have forgotten to ask something important so any suggestions would be appreciated.
lots of :hugs:for you all
Emzy

Me and DP both 32
:angel: 31.10.10 (19+5 weeks)

Jemleevan

06-01-2011, 09:53

Hi Ladies,

I'm another that's been reading for a while but haven't posted.

I just wanted to tell you all that it's really helped to hear that what I'm thinking and feeling must be normal because you are all saying the same thing. So, thank you. :hugs:

It will be seven weeks tomorrow since we lost James and I still have daily cries. Most days are getting better, but I still have the occassional meltdown :hissy: about how unfair it all is and how much I miss him.

I start a new job next week and am really struggling with the whole situation. I stopped work 7 months ago to go travelling and when we returned to Oz in October and found out I was four months along, we decided there was no point in me trying to get a job then. Now that I have no reason to not work, it's time to get back to it. But I didn't realise it would be so hard to deal with the "why" I'm going back. It's like another blinding reminder that I'm no longer pregnant and that we're not about to start a family. Did anyone else go through this?
My husband's a real "planner" and always thinking about the future but I just can't think past today. In the last 7 months we've backpacked for 10 weeks (through 7 countries), my grandmother past away, my mother-in-law and best friends got married, I found out I was (very) pregnant, we moved and set up house and then we lost our baby. And every one of those things came out of blue, so I just can't get my head around planning for anything! :freakingout::freakingout:

Sorry to ramble, I just wanted to see if anyone else feels like this?

Thanks everyone and my heart goes out to you all. Especially those that have been through this awful time one than once. I know that it could happen to us again, and I really don't know how I'd get through it....

PA80

06-01-2011, 23:47

Emzy- I think getting your hands on your full hospital records can be a good thing, if you haven't already. Mine have been referred to quite a lot in an effort to sort out what's going on before we try for #2. I wish you all the very best of luck in receiving your results....its never easy, getting a definitive answer or no answer, both can be hard. We just had the tables turned on their heads 7 1/2 months after our sons death, we are now told that the cause is most likely different than what we were originally lead to believe. So now the testing continues....

Jemleevan- Welcome sweetie, please feel free to express yourself here....we are all in similar shoes, and there is no judgement. :hugs:It is VERY early days for you, the meltdowns and crying are completely normal, take your time grieving, let it run its course, don't fight it and try to speed things up...its ok to feel however you feel.
I'm 7 + 1/2 months down the road and still struggling to plan anything. Going back to work felt so wrong for me, I was supposed to start my maternity leave a week after my boy died, so I was all geared up to end work and become a mum for the 1st time....then my world came crashing down. Going back to work really reinforced that things weren't right, that I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing, I was supposed to be a mum, be looking after my boy. Go gently on yourself.
Whenever you feel you want to share anything, please feel completely free to do so, we are here with open, understanding arms.

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

07-01-2011, 15:17

Jemleevan - I still feel like that about working. It's so strange making plans for this year as I was meant to be on maternity leave and yet now here I am working still. My Ds1 starts school this year and I was so looking forward to being off work for his first year of school but now he'll have to go to after school care the days I work. Also I'm a teacher and was meant to start maternity leave last August, so found it very difficult doing end of year reports and Christmas craft when I wasn't even meant to be there.

It's taken me a long while to be able to make plans for this year, to accept that it's not going to be how I thought at all. To accept that even if we are able to ttc, and I get pregnant, it doesn't guarantee we'll be having a baby this year. We've only just now started to make plans and are focusing on our house and fixing up our yard and I am actually getting excited about it. I refuse to make any baby plans again though. Can't make the year about falling pregnant only to reach Christmas without a baby again.

Emzy - good luck getting you records, I imagine it will be very emotional going through them.

Paula - when did they tell you it may have been a different reason? Was this your recent appointment? That happened to us, and I felt like I had to go back to the beginning to process everything all over again then. I hope they can figure it out simply enough so you're not delayed ttc too much longer.

I feel so guilty, I denied Anil existed today. I was meeting up with some friends at a park for a BBQ, but there were several mums there that I hadn't met before and I didn't know would be there. I still get quite anxious around people I don't know. One of my closest friends and I were pregnant together, expecting within days of each other. One of the ones I didn't know saw me holding another friends 1yr old girl and said "oh are you the one that had a baby!?" I just froze...I was already on edge and then such an emotionally laden question for me. I just said "me? no, I have no baby, I'm the one with no baby, she's the one with a baby" and pointed at my friend. And suddenly I just felt like crying and was fighting not to let it show. Ever since I've been feeling horrible. And it reminded me that this never goes away. No matter how well I think I'm doing things like that will happen when I least expect it and bring it all back to me.

Poppess

07-01-2011, 16:39

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea - it's hard isn't it when people ask about your babies. I had someone ask me today and I said no I don't have any children. Sometimes I say yes I do sometimes I say no, depends on who is asking and what my relationship is with them or will be (the lady today was in a shop not likely to see her again). Now that I'm showing a bit more I'm expecting a lot more so is this your first and I just dread those questions. I meant to ask to where did you get your memory box from? I'm still looking for one, just haven't been able to find one...

Jemleevan - I still have the occassional meltdown and it's been over a year for me. Grief is a fickle thing and sneaks up on you at the most unsuspecting times...Going back to work is hard, I was only just thinking today Wow I should be only just going back to work after a year off. I went back 4mths after Veronica died and some days it took all my strength to go to work and function and not just yell 'don't you realise I'm not to meant to be here'. I'm a planner and I struggled so much with not being able to see past the moment, hour, day that I was in but slowly I was able to and to think ahead and make some plans. I just started small and gradually could move on to bigger things for the house, holiday etc. It's a long road ahead but we are here when you need us.

Emzy78 - the OB appointment is hard, I knew that we wouldn't get an answer so it was more just a formality. The questions I had previously asked were around genetics, would we be likely to have this happen again, would I be high risk, should I do something differently next time around, when would be able to try again. I think that was mainly it. I was pretty good through out the appointment but I completely lost it when we left and I saw a new baby being taking in...

A big Hello to everyone else I hope that you're all doing ok.

PA80

08-01-2011, 12:55

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea- It is so hard when people get you unexpectantly with those questions, it spins my head sometimes and I just blurt something out.
Yeah it was my appointment on Tuesday, we are seeing a Professor now, and he has looked through all my results, and thinks I may have Thrombophilia, so we are being tested atm, DH too in case he is a carrier of it. He thinks Austin didn't die as a direct result of the undiagnosed PE, but that it was a factor on top of Thrombophilia, that clots in the placenta, and possible in Austin (unconfirmed) was what caused his death. I hope you girls don't mind me talking about this. But we get the results in Feb from our blood tests. All my other problems were all just contributing factors on the underlying issue.
Something small that made me smile, the new doc has the same middle name that we gave Austin! We gave him that name as its my dad's middle name :)

Poppess- I think about getting asked "Is this your 1st" for next time I'm preggas, I kind of look forward to being asked, just so I have another reason to mention Austin...but when it comes to it, I'm not sure what I will say....
Or when #2 is born, people asking "Do you just have the one child?" Its a yes & no really, yes only one here, but no its not my only child.

Poppess

12-01-2011, 16:30

Hi ladies,

Not sure if anyone else is up in QLD or Nth NSW but just want to say if so hope you are all safe and dry.

It's so hard to believe what Brisbane is like at the moment, and I was in tears listening to the stories from Toowoomba. I feel for the families who have lost their loved ones.

Take care everyone xx

Jemleevan

16-01-2011, 22:44

I'm just outside of hervey bay and have been really lucky. We've suffered no damage, just a lack of food and petrol from being cut off. I've got family in the lockyer valley but they are all fine, thank god!

It's so surreal to think this has happened, but we need to remember that it's not just qld suffering, it's also nsw, vic, tas and wa! The suffering is heartbreaking, but seeing people support complete strangers certainly makes u proud to be an australian!

My thoughts are with everyone suffering through this time. xxx

2girls&1angelboy

17-01-2011, 08:43

The floods are horrible we are getting them here in Tas we ok a few friends businesses and houses were affected but not to badly.

Im trying my hardest at the moment to get on with more day to day things i went to a baby shower on saturday it was so hard but i pushed my emotions to one side for a few hours as it was her time.
Im doing some photos of her belly this week and of a 12week old she was born a week b4 Kane was and the one im doing belly pics of is due a couple weeks b4 i was suppose to have Kane.
I have his basinet up for sale as everything of his im selling is going towards his plaque and someone enquired about it yesterday omg i started to cry it hasnt gone but its the thought that some other baby will sleep in it.
Its been just full on with everything happening with the hospital and all and i just want a break i know i dont deserve a break for failing my baby boy. My milk is still there
Dp is taking me out for tea on wednesday night so hope a change of scenery will help

MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea

17-01-2011, 17:40

Sorry I haven't been around much. I had my gastroscopy today, and being in hospital, hospital gown, canula and all was tough with all the memories from my miscarriage and birthing Anil. My scan last week showed up some benign tumors in my liver. I see the specialist Friday and I'm hoping I get the all clear though, with just yearly scans to monitor the tumors. I just want to feel normal - it's been one thing after another since I lost my son. I know emotionally I'll never be the same but I want to feel whole again physically. Will be such a relief.

Feeling very subdued after the procedure today...had a bit of a cry too. I'm getting there though, finding my way to a new normal.

Tamara - such a big thing going to a baby shower! And I can understand the pain of selling his things...I guess it makes it so final.

I thought I was moving on a bit from the negativity, but a friend is pregnant, and I told my DH now I will end up getting pregnant too, and once again it will end up being the friend that gets a baby and I'll have nothing. Jumping the gun a bit though, I haven't even got the all clear to ttc yet.

Emzy78

18-01-2011, 17:03

Hi Everyone,
We had our appointment with the OB-GYN last week and as expected there are no definate answers. There was nothing wrong with our baby. She does "think" that I might have a blood clotting issue called factor five liden so she sent me for more bloods and i have go back next week.
I asked how this might affect us next time I get pregnant and she said she will have to "think" about it! As you might be able to tell, i'm not overly impressed by her comments and just the way she said things. I find her her indecisive and uninsipiring, but i guess that just the luck of the draw living where I live.
I have been doing some reading of my own so that I have some idea of what to ask when I go back. If im still not happy with her im going to talk to my GP and then my FS over the phone (becasue she isnt in this town) and maybe even seek out an OB-GYN interstate who specialises in this kind of thing, surely they exist(?)
Have been feeling a little flat and a bit lost knowing that our baby was perfectly healthy and that possible, in some way it was my body that caused it all.

Hope everyone else is doing ok?

Emzy