Min1111
25-10-2010, 13:52
I posted in another thread a few days ago but just found this one to join too. I just wanted to write this to share my story and get some of this emotional stuff out.
A few days ago my baby was still born at 21 weeks. The last few days have been the hardest days of my life.
We went to the U/S on Friday morning hoping to find out the sex and start preparing for the new family member. I had my DH and DD (5yrs) with me. U/S showed no heartbeat and bub had stopped growing at about 15 1/2 weeks. The 13 week U/S had been perfect.
We didnt tell DD and took her straight to school so we could go to the GP then hospital.
At hospital I was told I would be induced and needed to give birth to the baby. I was so upset by this as I knew I would never get to hear my baby cry or see it breathing. Spending time in the delivery room with other people babies crying around, and an empty crib in the corner was so sad.
I wanted to be induced as soon as possible because the thought that my baby had been trapped inside me for a few weeks and I hadnt even know it had died horrifed me. I feel so stupid that I didnt know, I was telling people that I thought the baby was moving. In hindsight my body had given me signs but I was too excited about having a bub after 2 yrs TTC that I ignored it.
I went through the induction with my husband by my side and had a visit from my DD. Telling her the baby had died was one of the hardest things ever. We all cried our way through that. She used to rub and hug my belly, talk to the baby and pretend to hold its hand.
Through the induction I was so scared about how I might ever possibly get through this and knew my life would never be the same.
I delivered my baby into my hands, sac intact and placenta attached. I chose not to see my baby as I was desperately clinging to the memories of it being alive. Feeling it moving, seeing it heartbeat on the ultrasound and watching it move. I was comforted by the fact that it did not move once born that they hadnt made a mistake.
The midwives examined my baby and I could tell by the looks on their faces they thought I should not see it. They said it was so very tiny and they could not tell if it was a boy or a girl. It could have died before gender was determined or it could be a genetic abnormality.
Later they told me the baby had some physical problems like a cleft palate and often this is assosciated with other brain and heart problems. We chose not to see the baby and to remember it as I had imagined it woud look. We did ask for a foot and hand print and they took a photo in case I would like to see it in the future. The footprint is only around 3 cms long and my baby only weighed 100g.
I was told by the DR that the baby would have weighed more when alive but over time loses mass and size. We were given the choice to have the baby classified as stillborn due to my weeks of pregancy when the baby was born or to have the baby classifed as a misscarriage based on its size.
We spent a few hours thinking about this and didnt know how we could possibly name a baby if they sex was not definite and go through the subsequent funeral with that same uncertainty.
We had always referred to the baby by its nickname of "Gobbles" so we thought it would be easier for my DD and all of us to accept that Gobbles was gone rather than a named baby that we had not yet bonded to. We chose to have the baby classified as a misscarriage although it will always be a stillbrith to us.
I can see the positives that my baby dieing spared us having to make a heartbreaking to decision whether to continue a pregnancy of a baby with genetic issues. I am also greatful for the time I did have being pregnant and the joy of sharing the exciting news with my family.
I am not sure if I have made the right choices in dealing with this but I need to focus on getting my family through it and working out how to keep on living with a piece of my heart missing.
We will never forget our baby and hope one day I might have the strength to try again.
I have always thought that the hard stuff in life makes you a stronger, better person and there cant be many tougher things than facing your greatest fear of losing a child.
Kisses and hugs for my baby XXX OOO
Min
A few days ago my baby was still born at 21 weeks. The last few days have been the hardest days of my life.
We went to the U/S on Friday morning hoping to find out the sex and start preparing for the new family member. I had my DH and DD (5yrs) with me. U/S showed no heartbeat and bub had stopped growing at about 15 1/2 weeks. The 13 week U/S had been perfect.
We didnt tell DD and took her straight to school so we could go to the GP then hospital.
At hospital I was told I would be induced and needed to give birth to the baby. I was so upset by this as I knew I would never get to hear my baby cry or see it breathing. Spending time in the delivery room with other people babies crying around, and an empty crib in the corner was so sad.
I wanted to be induced as soon as possible because the thought that my baby had been trapped inside me for a few weeks and I hadnt even know it had died horrifed me. I feel so stupid that I didnt know, I was telling people that I thought the baby was moving. In hindsight my body had given me signs but I was too excited about having a bub after 2 yrs TTC that I ignored it.
I went through the induction with my husband by my side and had a visit from my DD. Telling her the baby had died was one of the hardest things ever. We all cried our way through that. She used to rub and hug my belly, talk to the baby and pretend to hold its hand.
Through the induction I was so scared about how I might ever possibly get through this and knew my life would never be the same.
I delivered my baby into my hands, sac intact and placenta attached. I chose not to see my baby as I was desperately clinging to the memories of it being alive. Feeling it moving, seeing it heartbeat on the ultrasound and watching it move. I was comforted by the fact that it did not move once born that they hadnt made a mistake.
The midwives examined my baby and I could tell by the looks on their faces they thought I should not see it. They said it was so very tiny and they could not tell if it was a boy or a girl. It could have died before gender was determined or it could be a genetic abnormality.
Later they told me the baby had some physical problems like a cleft palate and often this is assosciated with other brain and heart problems. We chose not to see the baby and to remember it as I had imagined it woud look. We did ask for a foot and hand print and they took a photo in case I would like to see it in the future. The footprint is only around 3 cms long and my baby only weighed 100g.
I was told by the DR that the baby would have weighed more when alive but over time loses mass and size. We were given the choice to have the baby classified as stillborn due to my weeks of pregancy when the baby was born or to have the baby classifed as a misscarriage based on its size.
We spent a few hours thinking about this and didnt know how we could possibly name a baby if they sex was not definite and go through the subsequent funeral with that same uncertainty.
We had always referred to the baby by its nickname of "Gobbles" so we thought it would be easier for my DD and all of us to accept that Gobbles was gone rather than a named baby that we had not yet bonded to. We chose to have the baby classified as a misscarriage although it will always be a stillbrith to us.
I can see the positives that my baby dieing spared us having to make a heartbreaking to decision whether to continue a pregnancy of a baby with genetic issues. I am also greatful for the time I did have being pregnant and the joy of sharing the exciting news with my family.
I am not sure if I have made the right choices in dealing with this but I need to focus on getting my family through it and working out how to keep on living with a piece of my heart missing.
We will never forget our baby and hope one day I might have the strength to try again.
I have always thought that the hard stuff in life makes you a stronger, better person and there cant be many tougher things than facing your greatest fear of losing a child.
Kisses and hugs for my baby XXX OOO
Min