Do you love your step children?

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Do you....?
I am often baffled at the responses I get when I admit that I don't "love" my step son.
*shock - horror - gasp*
I care for him and his wellbeing, he is fed, clothed and looked after whenever he is here, but I don't love him.

Surely I'm not the only one?

[Benji]

Although we're not married yet, my DP adores my DS. He always tells me he wishes he was biologically his and they have the most amazing father-son bond I have ever witnessed in my life. They tell each other numerous times a day that they love each other :goodvibes:

ETA: I should add - a friend of mine's mum saw DS and DP together and was shocked that he wasn't his biological father because DP treats DS so wonderfully. So I don't think you are alone (although what I gathered from my friend's mother who is a family counsellor you treat your DSS a lot better than most step-parents).

[Pinkzy]

You're not the only one.

I don't love my stepdaughter. I don't see her anymore though and haven't for almost a year so it's probably different in my circumstances. To be honest I don't think of her as my stepdaughter. I used to though, and those first few months where I didn't see her were very hard.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Although we're not married yet, my DP adores my DS. He always tells me he wishes he was biologically his and they have the most amazing father-son bond I have ever witnessed in my life. They tell each other numerous times a day that they love each other :goodvibes:

Same here! DH has been in DS1's life since he was 15 months old and DH often "forgets" he's not biologically his!
He can honestly tell me he loves ALL his kids equally. His relationship with my DS1 defies anything biological.
I just never fell in love with my SS, I waited and tried, but I have never felt connected to him.

[nothanksbye]

I think its important to remember that some people are step children, and so the realisation that your step parents might not love you is hurtful.

Hence the comments maybe?

[Benji]

Same here! DH has been in DS1's life since he was 15 months old and DH often "forgets" he's not biologically his!
He can honestly tell me he loves ALL his kids equally. His relationship with my DS1 defies anything biological.
I just never fell in love with my SS, I waited and tried, but I have never felt connected to him.

Naw that's gorgeous - I'm glad to hear that things don't change when you have biological children together.

And I'm sorry you haven't bonded with your DSS, must be really tough :hugs:

[faroutbrusselsprout]

[QUOTE=elvis75;5259078]I think its important to remember that some people are step children, and so the realisation that your step parents might not love you is hurtful.
QUOTE]

I think it's a taboo subject that needs to be talked about.
I don't shout it from the rooftops but I am finally at peace with the fact that there is NOTHING wrong with me for not "loving" this child.
I'm sick of feeling evil for not having feelings that I have no control of.
So if people are "hurt" then I apologise for THEIR circumstances but I will not be apologising for my situation.
I was just wondeirng if anyone else has battled with it, because I know I have.

[nothanksbye]

[QUOTE=elvis75;5259078]I think its important to remember that some people are step children, and so the realisation that your step parents might not love you is hurtful.
QUOTE]

I think it's a taboo subject that needs to be talked about.
I don't shout it from the rooftops but I am finally at peace with the fact that there is NOTHING wrong with me for not "loving" this child.
I'm sick of feeling evil for not having feelings that I have no control of.
So if people are "hurt" then I apologise for THEIR circumstances but I will not be apologising for my situation.
I was just wondeirng if anyone else has battled with it, because I know I have.

Fair enough.

But I think when talking about kids, it can be a delicate subject.

[Beachside Mumma]

I love my SS. Perhaps in a different way to the girls but I certainly do love him:yes:. It's hard as we only see him in the school holidays but i've been in his life since he was 18 months old.

[smog]

hmm i dont have a step child myself

my dd is a stepchild to my dh. he and i have been together 10 yrs and he was my besty for prob 2 yrs before that so was with her everyday, she is 13 now. so a loooooong part of her life. i think he loves her and treats her as his own. but i do think her relationshoip with her bio dad has made it harder for my dh and dd to be as close as they prob would have been otherwise. so yes i would say he loves my dd but is not as close to her as he mightve been his own dd(if he had one) or he mightve been to my dd had her dad not existed.
kwim?

i am a stepchild and upon reflection im pretty sure i was loved by my stepdad. ill never know if it would have been as much as his own children or not.
i think my stepmum probably didnt love me, but she was always caring and kind. i think my dad was so horrible and abusive to her, and he made it really hard for her. doing things treating us incredibly obviously different to the way he treated her children. being horrible and cruel to her children. i think it have been hard for her to love us. and we only saw her 2 days a fortnight. it doesnt bother me to think she may not have loved me, realistically i prob didnt love her either. but we liked each other and were always nice to each other.

[jb23]

im not a step parent but growing up i had 2 step fathers. neither of them loved me and i didnt expect them 2. u say that u care for him and look after him so ur doing more for him than alot of so called "step parents" out there.

[Fuchsia!]

I do find it really scary reading these type of posts, because soon one day, my kids will have a step mother and i would be devastated if they had no feelings for my children and I would find it really uncomfortable sending them to stay knowing that there was no love.

But I do understand that you can't make yourself feel something.

Its really hard situation to be in, for the step parent, for the biological parents (including the bio father) and especially for the children.

I don't think i could be with someone if they didn't love my children.

Just curious as to-
why people don't love their step children?

it because they can't connect? or is it because they are badly behaved? Or is it deeper issues like they aren't your child but your husband and feel resentment towards the child?

Do you you like them? Or hate them? Or just don't love them?

I don't mean to offend, but I would really like to know for my future expriences?

[august]

Define 'LOVE' though ??
i love my DS more than anything in this world.

I have 3 stepkids and i care about them alot and do ALOT for them but i don't love them AS MUCH as i love my own child.

[*Chels*]

Well,I will always remember talking to friends of my DH.Z had a son,and F was the stepmother.
She said to me one day "Oh I care for O (stepson) but I just dont love him"
I was really :eek:. Especially since she had known O since he was a baby,I thought she would have had a strong bond.Makes me really quite sad.
Who knows,maybe one day my kids could have stepparents...and I want them to be more loved than I ever was with my monster step parents!

[missie_mack]

To be fair I think it works both ways. I don't love my stepfather :no: He is simply the man my mother married and should the marriage end tommorrow I don't think neither my brother nor I would persue a relationship with him *shrug*

Sometimes there isn't a bond or connection. I don't wish him ill or anything. I care enough about his wellbeing etc because it is linked to my mothers.

[Kez277]

Hi Guys,
i can relate to Faroutbrussellsprout's situation, although for a very good reason!
My 16 year old sd has been kicked out of home by her father due to her Jealousy and hatred for me and my DD, no matter what i did do or didnt do i was abused and or ignored untill it got to a point where she wished my :angel:dead the day before i MC!
the important thing is i still support DP as a father and encourage him to love nurture and spend quality time with her! it just has to be out of my home! as im not ready to see or speak to her!
I have had this child in my life for 7 years and can honestly say that i DO NOT LOVE HER! and i do NOT feel guilty about it at all!
some people click and some people DONT! just because you love their parent doesnt mean you love them! so long as you are Kind and supportive i dont think there is a problem ! and in the future Love may develop!

[almfam37]

Its so interesting reading all of these comments as my dp has accepted my two children no problems (his mum and dad both remarried when they split up so he was from a blended family maybe thats why he has been so accepting of my kids) but were having our first soon and have spoken to him about it saying do you think you will love your natural baby more. He has said he doesnt know how he will react but even if he does he will make sure they are all treated equally etc. Its a little scary but i know he will be a great dad to all three but feelings are feelings and you just have to go with how you feel i guess and at the end of the day even though as a mother id want him to love all equally if he doesnt i still feel blessed because he has been such a great role model and parent doing so much more than there father ever has.

[sunnyflower]

I really admire you op for being so honest about your feelings.

I think that as the child is NOT biologically yours ,it WOULD be harder to develop a bond.

I have no stepchildren myself but my father remarried 15 years ago so i have a stepmum.I do not love her.I like her and she is my fathers wife so i respect her on that level.

My mum repartnered when i was six so i have stepdad.For years he was an alcoholic ^&*%$ and i hated his guts!!I like him and i guess i have a certain attachment to him but i don't LOVE him.

I really think you just concentrate on having the most positive relationship you can have with your stepchild insteaad of forcing yourself to have feelings you clearly don't have.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

I do find it really scary reading these type of posts, because soon one day, my kids will have a step mother and i would be devastated if they had no feelings for my children and I would find it really uncomfortable sending them to stay knowing that there was no love.

But I do understand that you can't make yourself feel something.

Its really hard situation to be in, for the step parent, for the biological parents (including the bio father) and especially for the children.

I don't think i could be with someone if they didn't love my children.

Just curious as to-
why people don't love their step children?

it because they can't connect? or is it because they are badly behaved? Or is it deeper issues like they aren't your child but your husband and feel resentment towards the child?

Do you you like them? Or hate them? Or just don't love them?

I don't mean to offend, but I would really like to know for my future expriences?

Don't be scared...just be open and realistic.
I do have feelings for my step son, love just isn't one of them.
However; I am 100% supportive of his relationship with DH.
I have never (and would never dream) of denying access or making access hard.
He is fed, clothed and supported whenever he is here.
I think as a someone who may be faced with a "step mother" situation in the future, these are the things that you should be concerned about, not whether she loves them or not, that may grow over time (or it may not) and I am proof that a blended family can still function without that love between a step mother and step child.

I definately do NOT hate him, (I think that is a whole different kettle of fish if a step mother was experiencing genuine hate toward her step child.)
He is a actually a pretty good kid, but very very different to my children.
He is hard to connect with and can be a bit full on, so a completely normal annoying teenager really!
There is no real answer as to why I don't love him, I fell in love with his Dad, not him.

Not sure if I've answered everything.
I'm sorry this post has upset you...it really wasn't my intention.
I'm sure there are hundreds upon hundreds of step mothers who love their step children.
But there are also a handful of those who don't and that's OK, as long as we are doing the best job we can.

[Fuchsia!]

Don't be scared...just be open and realistic.
I do have feelings for my step son, love just isn't one of them.
However; I am 100% supportive of his relationship with DH.
I have never (and would never dream) of denying access or making access hard.
He is fed, clothed and supported whenever he is here.
I think as a someone who may be faced with a "step mother" situation in the future, these are the things that you should be concerned about, not whether she loves them or not, that may grow over time (or it may not) and I am proof that a blended family can still function without that love between a step mother and step child.

I definately do NOT hate him, (I think that is a whole different kettle of fish if a step mother was experiencing genuine hate toward her step child.)
He is a actually a pretty good kid, but very very different to my children.
He is hard to connect with and can be a bit full on, so a completely normal annoying teenager really!
There is no real answer as to why I don't love him, I fell in love with his Dad, not him.

Not sure if I've answered everything.
I'm sorry this post has upset you...it really wasn't my intention.
I'm sure there are hundreds upon hundreds of step mothers who love their step children.
But there are also a handful of those who don't and that's OK, as long as we are doing the best job we can.
Oh don't feel bad for upsetting me, thats my problem and its something i will have to deal with in time.

Its just hard to imagine someone not loving my kids when they are playing a big role in their lives? If that makes sense?

Thanks for answering :)

[Skibunny]

This is interesting.

I'm not a step-parent but have been a step-child (a couple too many times over :laughing:) and the thing I find interesting is that, I love my nieces, nephews, cousins, second-cousins, half-brother etc. Is the relationship different with a step-child? They aren't really any less biologically connected than any of the above.

Hmm, curious :confused:

[faroutbrusselsprout]

This is interesting.

I'm not a step-parent but have been a step-child (a couple too many times over :laughing:) and the thing I find interesting is that, I love my nieces, nephews, cousins, second-cousins, half-brother etc. Is the relationship different with a step-child? They aren't really any less biologically connected than any of the above.

Hmm, curious :confused:

It's not really about the biology of it all though...
The relationship with my step-child is worlds away from the relationship I have with my nieces, nephews, cousins and second cousins. To compare it, in MY situation would be just silly!

[Blueberry Crumble]

I can honestly say I don't love my Step-Mother. At all. It goes both ways

[Pinkzy]

When I had a relationship with my SD - as in when I was seeing her and in regular contact with her, I liked her. I fed her, bought toys/clothes for her, read her stories, played games with her, helped her with homework etc etc. At times it was very difficult to like her though, or even look her in the eye (long, long story) - but I was always protective of her and genuinely cared for her. There was a bond between us for a long time. I haven't seen her in almost a year as DH & I decided that it was best for everyone - including her - that she stopped coming here (again, long long story).

I never loved her though. When I think of my DD and my baby boy, I feel so much love I could burst. When I think of SD, I have fond memories and enjoy hearing how she is doing. It's not love though. I don't refer to her as my SD in real life since I don't see her or have anything to do with her.

[onionskin]

Love yes,
Like no...

My step children are much older so my situation is a bit different to most.

[RmumR]

I don't have a step-child but DH is my DD's stepfather and it astounds me sometimes how much he loves her unconditionaly just as a parent would.
He misses her when she is at X's (her dad) place every 2nd weekend.
Seeing how he interacts and loves her melts my heart. he is such a fantastic daddy already and DD and bub-to-be are both very lucky girls to have him.

I do wonder if he will feel differently when our DD is born in a few weeks but i am not worried as he and DD already have such a solid relationship.
He has been in DD's life since she was 13mths old so she doesn't recall a time when he wasn't there.
I hope when/if X gets married again one day that DD's future step-mother will love her not just put up with her.

[august]

I also think it depends on the particular children and the situation your involved in.

If i had just one stepkid i think i would have a very strong bond with it but i have 3 stepkids (aged under 8) who constantly fight, scream, break things, and make my life hard.
Me and DP have them 70% of the time and DP works so i have do all the shool pick ups, lunches, sports days, kinder duty, dinner , washing, etc etc.
We also have a 2 yo together and its been extremely hard dealing with 3 rowdy stepkids whilst trying to get your baby to sleep.

I have been a steparent for about 5 years and I have tried so hard to do the right thing by my stepkids, throw nice party's, buy clothes and toys, take them cool places, help with homework and do all the things their bio mother chooses not to do.

But i constantly just get sh!t in my face, I cant take them out together because they run around like ferals screaming and yelling, they break all their things, act like slobs and fight with each other constantly.

Its not easy having to raise 3 kids who arent your own and although i love them on some level there are days when they drive me batty and they make it hard to like them.

We are struggling financially as well which adds to the stress, the stepkids do swimming and afterschool activitys , we have to pay all the school fees and clothes and excursions because their bio mother refuses to help out, therefore my son cant do swimming or kinder gym which i would like, i cant buy clothes or get a haircut and feel like a bag lady slave who works her *** off for these kids and gets nothing in return but stress.

Thats how i feel :(

Life would be so much easier if the stepkids weren't so loud and feral all the time.

[august]

Also imagine a child at your kids school that you find particulary annoying, then imagine dealing with that child 24/7 and having to 'love't them just because of your situation.

Love doesn't work that way, its not a switch you can turn on and off to anyone who enters your life.

Somethimes other peoples children are just plain irritating!

[Ulysses]

people always talk about how you should treat a stepchild as your own, but then there are all these caveats that stop you from doing that - so it is very difficult for step parents in many instances to feel & act like a true bio parent.

For example, you are supposed to treat the child like they are "yours" but there are so many times when you are shut out or not totally part of the parenting because "youre not the bio parent" so you end up feeling confused many times about what role it is that you play & how to interact with the child appropriately.

So where do step parents fall - somewhere in the middle - & they are never supposed to feel resentment about that because that means they dont love the child etc...its just too high a standard for anyone to meet UNLESS the bio parents help the stepparent to connect with the child in many cases i can see where people are unable to connect.

The bio parents can play a big role in how the step parent feels about & relates to the child. If they help to create a healthy atmosphere it can be much easier for the step parent to play a healthy/happy role.

Also, some people don't connect with their own bio children so it is not restricted to step parents only - its just seen as "evil" or nasty when a step parent feels this way because it is assumed the step parent just doesn't want a reminder of their partners previous life etc. If you were given a child at the age of four, five , six & just told to love them how easily would you fill the role?? it takes time & effort & commitment & devotion & for some people for whatever reason maybe it just does not happen unfortunately.

Personally, despite many issues with the bio mum & often other struggles we face as a blended family i definitely do love my step daughter but i can understand why some step parents just give up.....it can be a thankless job in many cases & the child can often see you as competition for their parents affection which makes it hard to continuosly put yourself in second place without ever feeling left out - i mean even new dads are allowed to feel left out for a period of time when a baby is born so why not step parents? There seems o be a double standard.

I am sure there are cases where the bio parents have done everything in their power to help the step parent connect & just for whatever reason it doesn't happen - however i do think if society as whole had my empathy for role of step parents many more would work through the struggles but as it stands now the minute you talk about negative feelings about being a step parent or stepchildren you are considered evil.....if that were the case then so many posts i read on this forum from bio parents complaining about their bio kids could aslo be considered in the same way.

Its about time people considered the feelings of the step parents, not just the step children because HAPPY PARENTS MAKE HAPPY CHILDREN so the focus should be on making everyone in the family happy & comfortable with each other not just telling step parents they have to accept the situation as it is & never discuss the topic because it might hurt someones feelings - how are we ever to move on from negative feelings if that is the case.

Just as we give bio parents a fair go when they need help dealing with their emmotions about their own kids we need to do the same for step parents - we have felings too & we want to love these children & do the right thing by them & it hurts US when society constantly tells us we are bad people if we don't meet some perfect standard at all times in my opinion.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

I also think it depends on the particular children and the situation your involved in.

If i had just one stepkid i think i would have a very strong bond with it but i have 3 stepkids (aged under 8) who constantly fight, scream, break things, and make my life hard.
Me and DP have them 70% of the time and DP works so i have do all the shool pick ups, lunches, sports days, kinder duty, dinner , washing, etc etc.
We also have a 2 yo together and its been extremely hard dealing with 3 rowdy stepkids whilst trying to get your baby to sleep.

I have been a steparent for about 5 years and I have tried so hard to do the right thing by my stepkids, throw nice party's, buy clothes and toys, take them cool places, help with homework and do all the things their bio mother chooses not to do.

But i constantly just get sh!t in my face, I cant take them out together because they run around like ferals screaming and yelling, they break all their things, act like slobs and fight with each other constantly.

Its not easy having to raise 3 kids who arent your own and although i love them on some level there are days when they drive me batty and they make it hard to like them.

We are struggling financially as well which adds to the stress, the stepkids do swimming and afterschool activitys , we have to pay all the school fees and clothes and excursions because their bio mother refuses to help out, therefore my son cant do swimming or kinder gym which i would like, i cant buy clothes or get a haircut and feel like a bag lady slave who works her *** off for these kids and gets nothing in return but stress.

Thats how i feel

Life would be so much easier if the stepkids weren't so loud and feral all the time.

Wow...:hugs:
That sounds really really difficult. I'm so sorry things are so hard. I take my hat off to you, I really do. I couldn't do what you do, you should be really proud of yourself that you are trying to provide some stability and quality of life to the three of them.


Also imagine a child at your kids school that you find particulary annoying, then imagine dealing with that child 24/7 and having to 'love't them just because of your situation.

Love doesn't work that way, its not a switch you can turn on and off to anyone who enters your life.

Somethimes other peoples children are just plain irritating!

I really really agree with this! :yes:
I can't keep feeling bad because I find my SS annoying and frustrating, people feel like that about kids everyday.


people always talk about how you should treat a stepchild as your own, but then there are all these caveats that stop you from doing that - so it is very difficult for step parents in many instances to feel & act like a true bio parent.

For example, you are supposed to treat the child like they are "yours" but there are so many times when you are shut out or not totally part of the parenting because "youre not the bio parent" so you end up feeling confused many times about what role it is that you play & how to interact with the child appropriately.

So where do step parents fall - somewhere in the middle - & they are never supposed to feel resentment about that because that means they dont love the child etc...its just too high a standard for anyone to meet UNLESS the bio parents help the stepparent to connect with the child in many cases i can see where people are unable to connect.

The bio parents can play a big role in how the step parent feels about & relates to the child. If they help to create a healthy atmosphere it can be much easier for the step parent to play a healthy/happy role.

Also, some people don't connect with their own bio children so it is not restricted to step parents only - its just seen as "evil" or nasty when a step parent feels this way because it is assumed the step parent just doesn't want a reminder of their partners previous life etc. If you were given a child at the age of four, five , six & just told to love them how easily would you fill the role?? it takes time & effort & commitment & devotion & for some people for whatever reason maybe it just does not happen unfortunately.

Personally, despite many issues with the bio mum & often other struggles we face as a blended family i definitely do love my step daughter but i can understand why some step parents just give up.....it can be a thankless job in many cases & the child can often see you as competition for their parents affection which makes it hard to continuosly put yourself in second place without ever feeling left out - i mean even new dads are allowed to feel left out for a period of time when a baby is born so why not step parents? There seems o be a double standard.

I am sure there are cases where the bio parents have done everything in their power to help the step parent connect & just for whatever reason it doesn't happen - however i do think if society as whole had my empathy for role of step parents many more would work through the struggles but as it stands now the minute you talk about negative feelings about being a step parent or stepchildren you are considered evil.....if that were the case then so many posts i read on this forum from bio parents complaining about their bio kids could aslo be considered in the same way.

Its about time people considered the feelings of the step parents, not just the step children because HAPPY PARENTS MAKE HAPPY CHILDREN so the focus should be on making everyone in the family happy & comfortable with each other not just telling step parents they have to accept the situation as it is & never discuss the topic because it might hurt someones feelings - how are we ever to move on from negative feelings if that is the case.

Just as we give bio parents a fair go when they need help dealing with their emmotions about their own kids we need to do the same for step parents - we have felings too & we want to love these children & do the right thing by them & it hurts US when society constantly tells us we are bad people if we don't meet some perfect standard at all times in my opinion.

:yelclap::smiliedance:
Brilliant post.
Thank you.

[Whippet]

Wow, what an incredibly brave and admirably honest thread. It has bought some tears to my eyes but it really is a reality that is better faced head on than brushed under the rug.

My partner treats my children well and with respect and she cares for their needs but she does not love them. One of my children she doesn't even like.

This has been and still is very hard for me to accept but I have to understand that these are her feelings and love cannot be forced. It may come in time but until then, I won't be holding my breath.

[HELPihavea2yrold!]

This worries me. Im currently single but might repartner one day and I worry that if I have more kids, would my dh love his biological kids over my DS. I can see how some people cannot love their step children though since I have seen how much trouble sd's have caused in both my mums and sisters lives.
I have a step mum and step dad as well and absolutely love my stepmum but stepdad could drop dead tomorrow and I would dance with joy!

[zombiekitty]

No way, but then, neither does DH. Long, long story.
The child is biologically DH's but we have nothing to do with that child.

[Ana Gram]

This worries me too and has reaffirmed being single forever for me. I don't think I could stay with someone who didn't love my child and I couldn't stay with someone if I didn't love their child.

[Benji]

This worries me too and has reaffirmed being single forever for me. I don't think I could stay with someone who didn't love my child and I couldn't stay with someone if I didn't love their child.

Just wanted to say to the stressed single mums it doesn't have to be like that. You can ask somebody to leave if they don't love your child. I dated a man with a daughter and I loved her, although left because I wasn't happy with the way he acted towards his DD's mother (he was very spiteful).

My DP loves DS, probably more than his bio-father does. My ex has a partner who, I believe, loves DS. If she doesn't love him, she sure puts on a brave face - she's absolutely wonderful.

If you want to, there's nothing wrong with dating. And if you suspect who you are with doesn't have anything but kindness and respect for your girl, you have every right to tell them to PO. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom, I promise :hugs:

[Lillystar]

I have four step children and I love them. I think they are wonderful kids, I care about them, want them to be happy, am interested in their lives, love when they are at our house, I love hanging out with them, think they are funny and bright kids and think my life is better because they are part of it.

I respect the fact that that I am not their mother. They have a mum already. But that doesn't mean I can't love them too and want the best for them, just in my own way.

I can sort of see where some step mums come from if they don't love their step kids because being a step parent is extremely hard at times. And I guess I am lucky that my step kids are just generally great kids so that makes it a bit easier for me.

But when I really think about it I don't really understand how anyone could be with someone that doesn't love their kids as well as them. That's just me though. Each to their own.

[RunningWithScissors]

I have four step children and I love them. I think they are wonderful kids, I care about them, want them to be happy, am interested in their lives, love when they are at our house, I love hanging out with them, think they are funny and bright kids and think my life is better because they are part of it.

I respect the fact that that I am not their mother. They have a mum already. But that doesn't mean I can't love them too and want the best for them, just in my own way.

I can sort of see where some step mums come from if they don't love their step kids because being a step parent is extremely hard at times. And I guess I am lucky that my step kids are just generally great kids so that makes it a bit easier for me.

But when I really think about it I don't really understand how anyone could be with someone that doesn't love their kids as well as them. That's just me though. Each to their own.


I'm SO glad you posted!
Ive been reading through this in a panic...wondering if DH secretly hates my kids and is just putting on a face for me. Or doing it because he "has to".
I would never have married him if I thought he didn't love my kids too, I just couldn't be with anyone who I knew didn't love them.

[Ana Gram]

Just wanted to say to the stressed single mums it doesn't have to be like that. You can ask somebody to leave if they don't love your child. I dated a man with a daughter and I loved her, although left because I wasn't happy with the way he acted towards his DD's mother (he was very spiteful).

My DP loves DS, probably more than his bio-father does. My ex has a partner who, I believe, loves DS. If she doesn't love him, she sure puts on a brave face - she's absolutely wonderful.

If you want to, there's nothing wrong with dating. And if you suspect who you are with doesn't have anything but kindness and respect for your girl, you have every right to tell them to PO. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom, I promise :hugs:

Oh Benji aren't you lovely :kiss:

Unfortunately for me, I don't generate interest from men. Vegan single mother = not datable apparently.

[Lillystar]

I'm SO glad you posted!
Ive been reading through this in a panic...wondering if DH secretly hates my kids and is just putting on a face for me. Or doing it because he "has to".
I would never have married him if I thought he didn't love my kids too, I just couldn't be with anyone who I knew didn't love them.

If he acts like he loves your kids then I am sure he does :) Trust me, it would be hard to fake. I am sure you have nothing to worry about.

My partner knows I love his kids and I know he wouldn't be with me if I didn't nor would I be with him. It's a package deal for me - I love him and his kids.

[RunningWithScissors]

Thanks Lillystar :)

It does put my mind at ease! It would be hard to fake..and he wouldn't be chasing me with catalogs at least once a week showing me what "we" can buy for the kids..he even picks out cute dresses for DS :laughing:

[Grinnyswife]

My Dh came into our lives when ds was 11 months and dd almost four.
And I know my Dh loves them.
And I have a step father who's been around since I was 3, who although I clashed badly with as as teenager, has always loved me.
Maybe men bond easier than women?
Because they dont give birth to their kids,& because they have less emotional hang ups?
To me it sounds like some mums hold resentment toward their stepkids? For being naughty or making life harder..
Isn't that where, if you have them majority of the time, you discipline them and teach them how to behave? My dh doesn't let our kids run crazy just because they're not biologically his..

[Hopefullyamumma]

I love my step son very much.
We have a bit of an unfortunate situation with his mother (thats another story!), but me and DSS get along great.
He is 3 and I've been in the picture since before he was 6 months old.
We only get to see him for about 5 hours a week now(again another story), but I love the time that I spend with him and I think that DP loves how close DSS and I are. I really cant wait until he gets to spend more time with DP and I.

Only thing that I struggle with is when MIL and SIL come to visit when we have him they take over... Makes me feel less like the mummy of my house :(

[HowCrazyCool]

Wow great thread:highfive:

Well i meet my real father when i was 7 and i can say i have never and will never "LOVE" him.
So i say there is no rule that you have to love anyone. My dad is a great guy, but i honestly do not love him one iota. Kids can be great kids, but who says we have to love them.
My step-dad i meet when i was about 5, we had a rocky 10 years of my growing up, and i love him:rolleyes::rolleyes:



I love my Dsd very very much. It could have gone either way. There was a good 6 months of me being Sooo confused, why can't i do more for her, i want to do more, it took a while to get things under control, i came out the other side of it with the real belief that we have the opportunity to have the best relationship out of all the parents, not the one with the most "love".
I don't have to be her mother/father i don't have to be the evil step-mum. I can be here for her the whole way, but being a step-parent gives me the opportunity to be there for HER with the very minimal amount of bio-parental hang-ups.
There were some times there when i really really was close to giving up on any relationship with dsd. It was hard, she was a brat, i had no practice at any parenting skills, i had all these mixed up feelings. i had some real issues with the mother.


The last year has seen us move forward in leaps and bounds.
I just do things with her that we both want to do, i don't see that i have to do anything more. We just go on with being friends and now it has resulted in us loving each other. I don't feel she just comes over to see her dad anymore, and i am happy with that. Who wants to be the mum when you can be the step mum:laughing::laughing::laughing:





P.s we still have out moments, my dsd and i:laughing::laughing: it's the spice of life of life i guess.:hair::devil::sunshine::bee::doh::D

[august]

,......

[moozle]

I do love DSS but it's certainly very different to how I feel about my own biological DS.

[mum2amelia]

Wow August, we sound like we have the same family, wonderfully said and its, unfortunately, exactly how i feel.