help me help him

[notquitesupermum]

So I'm not a dad but I'm posting here to try and get some help for my husband.

Our son is 10 weeks old and for the last couple of weeks dad cant spend more than about 15 minutes with him without bubs crying. Once the crying starts hubby cant settle him.

DH is being so patient with him and trying everything he can think of to calm him down but its just not working.

My husband is a wonderful doting father and loves DS soooo much but this is starting to make it hard for him to enjoy his son. That makes me really sad.

Bubs is breastfed.

So any dads got any special secrets?
Or mums :)

[Voltron]

Can't really think of anything special that I did off the top of my head - I'll ask my wife to see if she remembers anything.

What I'd do in your case though is, if bubs is crying after 15 minutes, I'd restrict dad's time with bub to 10 minutes block for a few days.

This way all time spent with bubs is 'happy' time.

After a few days start increasing the time. See how you go...

I'll post again if I come up with anymore thoughts.

.... my son loved 'rocket ships' where I 'throw' my son in the air and catch him (without ever letting go).
.....Also, bounces - where I'd put on a song, my son loves 'Her diamonds by Rob Thomas and Bad Bad Leroy Brown by Frank.S. Dad holds son facing away from dad and 'bounces' to the music.

It's all coming back to me now..... what else...?

I've also showered with my son since about 2 months after birth. I just hold him in the shower while the shower is on (always check the temp). Mum is usually just outside the shower to take him, but bub's loves his showers and the water in general now.

Even after all of this though, I can't successfully get my son to sleep. I think I've done it successfully 3 times in 10 months (he is breast fed as well). I'm just crap at it.

Anyhow, HTH's.

[notquitesupermum]

Thanks for taking the time to reply! Ill pass it on to the man :)

They do shower together, DS would be happy to spend all day in the shower with dad he loves it! At least that is some nice bonding time they can spend together.

I should have added in my OP that DH works away and only spends weekends and wednesday nights at home.

[Voltron]

you could also try wearing a couple of your hubby's tshirts so when your bub is with husband, he then wears those t-shirts so he smells like you.

It's a phase and will pass, so don't stress too much.

[Formerly Mick]

Some fantastic ideas from Voltron, and I agree 100%.

It's just a phase. Bubs is only little, and spends most of his time with Mum, with Dad being away for work. So it's normal for him to seek out his Mum to be settled.

[bigbadbrad]

Great advice from Voltron,

Babies also rely on smell heavily in the early stages so the advice about the T-shirt is excellent.

The other thing to remind Dad of is that babies will pick up tension which is why many cry when you pass them to a relative who is not 100% sure what to do with a bub.

If he is concerned about the crying thing before he takes the baby the baby might be picking up on that. Very difficult not to do, I know but worth mentioning.

Now another thing I did with my kids was to make a soft sushing noise and or sing softly to them that worked a charm (but not straight away).

Last piece of advice is if you have just fed bub and they are due for a nap, that is a good time to try to get Dad to settle them as bubs are a lot more content after a feed.

Hope that helps

Regards
BBB

[BiggerNotSmarter]

Hi Notquite

My son has always had "mummy phases" where he is very clingy to his mum and if he's upset will want her. I think this is natural as mums have a very special close relationship right from the start including things like BFing. He always gets over them though and even has had a few (brief) "daddy phases"!!!

I think maybe the key is to find some special activities that your son does only with dad. From birth I always did all the baths and most of the "rougher" playing. You could find a toy or activity that only comes out when dad is around.

And tell him not to fret it if he can't settle your son, just give up and try again another time. In my experience babies can be EXTREMELY funny about the things that upset them, its no use reading too much into itm although I certainly appreciate it can be hard not to take it personally!!

Hope this helps

[1CrazyMoose]

Could u express and have ur dh feed him? Does ur dh change him. Babies like to know both parents can look after their needs. This will help bub be more comfortable.

[MsMummy]

I'm not a man, but my son has always been very attached to my partner.

From birth, he would always walk around with him endlessly, whether it be in his arms, or in the baby bjorn and later Ergo. Particularly outside walks, even if just around the block.

Even now (at 2 years old) my son is keener to go to my partner as he thinks it's a guaranteed ticket to something more exciting.:D

he also changed most of the nappies etc, as I was exhausted from breastfeeding.

[Munier]

Not sure how you feel about expressing your milk, but this could give your husband the chance to also feed and may help.

[RunningOnEmpty]

Smell ... movement ... changing lights and shapes ... kids pick up on everything... What you need to know is what you both do differently ... Your comfort level is high with DS as you spend hours a day feeding him but you also spend a large amount of time burping and changing him. Let that be DH's job from beginning to end. DS is comfortable with that routine.

Holding DS... Might sound strange but I would bet that DH can grab one of your shirts that you wore all day (milk stains and all) and perhaps wear it or hold it close to DS, The smell of mum but surrounded by the arms of dad. Might work.

Look at the routines you as the mum do each day to calm DS. Now compare that to what happens when DH gets him. What is he doing differently? Are you staying in the room? If so get out of the room and later have DH take him past you on the walks around the house. Movement is very important to a Dad. Also the fact that he is upset shouldn't be a deterrent to DH still holding him. Unless the cry is hunger let DH deal with screaming etc and just tell him to do what you would do. The cry of a small infant is so much more pleasant than the scream of a 2 year old.

I'm going to make the assumption that by the time DS starts crying DH is stuck in the one spot and probably bouncing and patting trying to calm him. Try slowly changing rooms and tone of voice during that 15 minutes he gets to hold him. The changes will keep DS interested in something other than the fact that mum isn't holding him. Oh and don't forget to make sure that you are not in the room. Go into another room and maybe vacuum or do the dishes or something a little noisy but out of the way. A lot of noise will actually calm a baby in a lot of cases. My kids were brought up on music my 17 and 14 year old mostly Metallica and other heavy music and the 5 and 3 year old are surrounded by Industrial music that I'd say 98% of people on this board wouldn't know by name - noise is a great thing - our bedroom has had the sound of real 3D rain recorded in a forest by a very good friend of mine for many years now and now I can't sleep without it. :D

Also when you take DS in the car have DH sit in the back and spend time with him. His voice and the constant changing light and movement will work wonders at day or night.

See what happens find out what works and repeat. :wave: