OMG #4!! So torn.

[rubytuesday]

2wks ago we discovered #4 is on its way. Completely unplanned and very unexpected. We already have three, 14, 9 & 7yrs and we are done! (Or so we thought)
I have been very emotional and going from keep to not keep every day! It's doing my head in. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
We haven't told anyone and i feel really isolated. hubby has said the final decision is up to me as in the end as I'm the one who physically has to go thru either a termination or pregnancy.
My beautiful husband is being very suportive but said he really doesnt want another baby but understands if I can't and will be there no matter what i choose. We had our first child when I was 19, that was very unplanned! Our second was planned, third was a suprise that took alot to get used to and had post partum dep. We fell pregnant soon again but I was hysterical and terminated the pregnancy. It took me a very long time to get over that and those feelings are what scare me now of terminating this one. I felt guilty and hated myself for doing it, but the relief of not having it was overwhelming.
Hubby is turning 40 this yr and we love the life we have now our kids are independant and not so reliant on us and to have a newborn in the house feels like we are going backwards and our whole life is now thrown upside down. Financially we aren't great, living wk to wk having lost our business 2yrs ago and are slowly getting our life back together and giving our kids the life they deserve and having this baby means going without so much for us and them. Our 2 youngest would have to share a room, No holidays for a while, we would have to buy a bigger car, we have no babystuff so would have to start over in every sense! I feel selfish for having this baby as it throws everyones live upside down, but i feel selfish for wanting to let it go as I want my life I have now..... so confused and torn by this :gloomy:

[smog]

i couldnt even begin to imagine that i could suggest what u should or shouldnt do. i just wanted to give u lots of these:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[melandstan]

Gosh, i don't think anything i have to say would make such a huge decision any easier.
I feel for you - and the reality of having to make a decision is just so difficult (and life changing)
You have your other children and husband to think of - of course, that is important - so are you though. There are many, many things to go over and work thru, but like everything - a decision can't be put on hold.
I understand why you've kept this to yourself - as there are many out there that believe it unfair to terminate, but - i see it that you need to weigh up your options.
From what you've said, financially you're just getting on top of things slowly but surely. having a child (children) is expensive and that needs to be taken into account.
In that though, as you've had to make this terrible decision previously (and you noted that it took its toll on you emotionally etc.), that can't be ignored either.
I send you big :hugs: and hope that you're able to work thru this and know, that in the end - you made the right decision.
Take care.

[MissCatie]

*hugs* that is a very tuff thing to decide :( i hope everything works out for you

Could you put the baby up for adoption? I know the feeling of guilt after terminating. Do what you truely feel is right people will always support you and i am sure your family could adjust but if its something your not ready for look at all the options


Good luck!

[ComeBackKid]

I too know the guilt of terminating and for me, i could never do it again. But i also didnt have the relief you mentioned.

Huge hugs. I hope you make the right decision for you.

Are you leaning either way? Sometimes you can have a gut feeling/instinct over what you want/should do.

Hugs xox

[Roopee]

I could have written that 3 and a half years ago- except my existing children were still very little.

We kept her because the 3 appointments I made with the termination clinic all ended up with me being a no show. I just couldn't do it.

We sold the car and bought a bigger one, we re arranged the house and we have two kids to a room now and a spare....... (room that is LOL)

Look, no one can make the right decision for you, only you can.
The way I see it though is no one ver really looked at their kids and wished they'd never had them- make sense? (well SOME people have but they'd be in the minority)

I know how this feels, I spent three months curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out, I was angry, I was sick for 9 months, I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me and I had no control over my life, I felt hard done by, I had the 'why me' attitude, life was HARD.
I cried when I went into labour,I was NOT looking forward to her arrival one little bit and I will eternally feel guilty for that but I look at her today and she is the icing on the cake- our family was not complete until she arrived, it truly wasn't. I loved her the minute I saw her.

Yep- life wasn't easy to start with but we managed and financially, 4 kids can be crippling, but you just manage because there is little other choice.

Good Luck with your decision, if you want to PM me dont hesitate:hugs::hugs:

[sunshinebub]

I kinda know how you feel...we tried for 4 yrs to have a 4th and last baby, that was 4 years ago and we had 4!! miscarriages. We gave up, moved on, I started working again, we bought a farm and guess what just happened??

In May on my 43rd bday I found out I was pg..a complete and utter surprise. Hubby freaked out and worried that we would never get into the house we were building, we were stressed out etc.

We finally got used to the idea (although I was so so so happy anyway) and we lost the baby at 3 months. Hubby cried all day. We wanted the baby after the surprise of finding out.....

We thought we would just adapt and cope and make the best of the situation, we were so happy to be expecting. The m/c was devastating.

Sorry to go off topic:D but I wanted to say, whatever you decide, I hope you are okay and if you do decide to keep the baby, things will work out.....they always do in the end...people adapt etc xxx

[Pinkzy]

:hugs: I can't imagine what a tough decision this must be. It is fantastic your husband is being so supportive and it sounds like you have a family who love you very, very much and who will support you no matter what you decide.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one :hugs:

[swizzlestick]

Hugs to you! I have no advice on your situation sorry, as it is such a personal decision, but I did want to share a tip for making a tough decision that has always helped me.
First make your decision without emotion, work out the logistics, the finances, the sensible aspects of the issue - then once an unemotional decision has been made, see if it fits your emotions. You will find that your emotional response will either strongly argue and debate the logistics or agree! Does that make sense! It's a similar concept of having someone tell you what to do, you will either feel relief that they made the decision for you or you will argue with then to change their mind!!! HTH and goodluck, whatever you decide.

[mummaof4]

i have no advice as i couldnt go through with an abortion so my decision would already be made..

this is exactly the reason i need hubs to have the snip.. im so paranoid about falling preg. we have 4 and agree our family is complete, unfortunately hes not willing to go the extra step just yet

[rubytuesday]

Thanks everyone for the hugs and support.
We sat down last night and after much discussion and a few tears decided that we will be having baby #4. I just couldn't bring myself to go in the other direction.
I feel really good about it now and so does hubby. Its also very funny how my horrendous all day morning sickness has stopped suddenly!
So our family is in for some BIG changes. Now our next hurdle is when to tell our kids and family and friends. Very scared of their reactions.
Thanks again:sunshine:

[missymoo9]

What a hard decision you had to make.

I just wanted to say congratulations i hope your pregnancy and birth goes to plan and your family adjusts well to bubs!

Once bubs is here im sure you couldnt imagine life with out him/her.


Everything happens for a reason.

[MyFourCubs]

We are currently having "unplanned baby number 4" and 3 years ago we had "unplanned baby number 3":o I know well all the feelings you are describing- I have been there- twice!!!:)

It took me a long time to deal with bub number 3 especially and I suffered severe prenatal depression and to be honest I didn't begin to accept that I having her until after she was born- 4 weeks early!! This one I geuss was marginally better because I know that once bub is here I will love him and will soon not be able to imagine life without him. Sounds simplistic and it was a very hard emotional journey to learn that lesson but I know I will feel that way eventually.

Congrats on being able to make a tough decision- I am so happy for both you and your husband and I wish you all the best for the pregnancy:goodvibes::hugs::goodvibes:

[rubytuesday]

Hi thought I'd update you on whats happening with #4

Had our dating scan yesterday and to our suprise we are alot further along then we relised... HALFWAY infact!

We have told our friends and family and our 3 kids and everyone is very excited.

Thanks again for all the support:hugs:

P.S- Its another boy

[missymoo9]

Wow!


Congratulations! What a surprise!!!!!

Everything happens for a reason, im glad u decided to continue the pregnancy or when u had the dating scan it would of being an incredible rollercoaster of emotions. Hope u dont take it the wrong way!
All the best

[DaughteroftheForest]

Congrats hon!! :flowerz:

[melandstan]

WOW - halfway there.
Glad u were able to make a decision - and now that you are much further along than expected, it was obviously meant to be.
I hope the changes to your lives aren't too difficult, and it is wonderful to hear that you and your DH are so pleased.
Wishing you all well.
:highfive:

[ComeBackKid]

Congratulations!! SO happy for you!!! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy xox

[MyFourCubs]

Oh my goodness that is amazing!!!! So glad everything is going well:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[overitand36]

sometimes I think it is so amazing (well not really) where the stork likes to land it gets it so wrong so many times

our second planned in the extreme, ivf baby due to unexplained infertility

now I think all the problems with conceiving our baby it would just be our luck to fall preg without ivf, hence we are not risking our future with lack of planning, iud going in and no more problems with the stork in this house

[Boobycino]

Wow :hugs: congratulations!

I'm so jealous :o I'd love to find out I was half way through? Gosh who needs 9 months of pregnancy when you 'can just *sort of* skip 4.5 months ;)

[justcallmemum]

Congratulations rubytuesday.
My story with #6 has some similarities to yours and it can be very daunting to find yourself in this position.
Rather then re write it I am hoping this link will work http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=371391&referrerid=73692

3 of my children were planned and 3 were "surprises". Although it was daunting at the time, I know I wouldn't change it for anything. I never pictured myself having so many children, but this is the way my life has gone. I know that in time the money stresses will fade and the joy that your new little one will bring will be priceless.
On a side note, allow me to be the first to welcome you to the first to welcome you to the "Large Family Club" Be prepared to have people question your sanity with such stunning comments like "are you crazy?" which is always great when you are still trying to personally deal with an expected pregnacy :hair:, ask about your personal life "don't you have a TV?" I even had the OB at the hospital ask me the other day "So do you know what causes it yet?" :banghead: I just smiled but was tempted to turn around and say "No I don't actually, would you be so kind as to tell me" :laughing: and then there is the old tried and tested "what are you? a catholic or something?" Which I am and when I tell them that, it usually stops them in there tracks. So be prepared so people to give you there "one liners" that they find so funny but that they say withhout no consideration to what you may be personally going through (and do they seriously think that they are the only ones that have ever said this? :confused: The best way to cut them off is to come up with so "one liners" of your own such as "Well seeing as DH and I are able to have such beautiful children it wouldn't be fair to deprive the world of another one" or "I plan on taking over the world, so am growing my own army, but please keep it a secret" or "DH and I are blessed to have been given large enough hearts to be able to have a large family" or "thats hillarous, I have never heard that one before:rolleyes:"
good luck..........

[beebs]

I could have written that 3 and a half years ago- except my existing children were still very little.

We kept her because the 3 appointments I made with the termination clinic all ended up with me being a no show. I just couldn't do it.

We sold the car and bought a bigger one, we re arranged the house and we have two kids to a room now and a spare....... (room that is LOL)

Look, no one can make the right decision for you, only you can.
The way I see it though is no one ver really looked at their kids and wished they'd never had them- make sense? (well SOME people have but they'd be in the minority)

I know how this feels, I spent three months curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out, I was angry, I was sick for 9 months, I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me and I had no control over my life, I felt hard done by, I had the 'why me' attitude, life was HARD.
I cried when I went into labour,I was NOT looking forward to her arrival one little bit and I will eternally feel guilty for that but I look at her today and she is the icing on the cake- our family was not complete until she arrived, it truly wasn't. I loved her the minute I saw her.

Yep- life wasn't easy to start with but we managed and financially, 4 kids can be crippling, but you just manage because there is little other choice.

Good Luck with your decision, if you want to PM me dont hesitate:hugs::hugs:

Great post roopee. I am currently going through a similar thing. Am 10 weeks with baby number four have 16month old twins and am just freaking out. Financially so stressful. i have no idea what I am doing and am actually in a bit of denial to be honest. . But your post made me feel better so thanks.

[lizzyplus4]

:yes::yes::yes:
OMG! rubytuesday... reading your story i felt like i just read the last few months of my life!
my boys are 13, 9, and 3... i was soo excited when we finally potty trained a few months ago- i thought i'd changed my last nappy!! and i finally saw myself sleeping through the night- due to son #2 being a bedwetter i haven't slept through 2 nights in a row since i was pregnant with #1!! oh and my figure was finally getting back to it's old self:(
i almost wanted to punch my awesomely supportive husband, i kinda would've liked him to be an **** and give me no choice...
i ummed and ahhed for a few weeks but ultimately couldn't go through with another termination- i could justify the last one- it was too soon, and was a 'threatened' pregnancy, and i found out while it was still a blob- this time it was clearly a baby.....
so not sure if we'll get to finally buy that house next year or our round australia holiday..... but i might just get a girl- and hopefully she won't fart on me:p- my son's all think it's hilarious!

[lizzyplus4]

p.s it turned my word into **** which i realise looks like a really nasty four letter word... it was only a mild four letter word- it starts with a... i wouldn't call him horrible names:o

[waterlily]

Oh wow that's amazing!! I just wanted to say congratulations!!! Keep us updated.

[becca022]

Congratulations.

[madreader]

Congratulations.:yelclap: