sexual abuse

[Whispers]

my sister told me the other day that her 4 year old son said that sometimes uncle mark touches his doodle when his nana hangs out the washing when i went round to her house the other day her son wasnt there she said taht her son had gone to his nanas house i then got in a argument with her for sending him nack there and she said that her son said he was joking i dont think he was joking at all and that something needs to be done what can i do ????

[♥Heaven Sent♥]

:no: That is wrong im sorry but how can she do that?That poor lil boy id be ringing child welfare.I hope you do something for the sake of that child.Good luck to you i hope you can get her to open her eyes:hugs: .

[reAllytee]

You have to tread very carefully with this one because if the child is mistakenly saying things that arent happening you could hurt an innocent mans reputation but then of course you have to look after the welfare of the child.
My best advice would be to get you sister to take her son to see a counsellor as they can get the info out & the truth without being coaxed as such & also without the child unknowingly parroting something someone else has said.
This is also a big must for if it comes to the legal side of things because if it seems like a child has been trained or coaxed into saying things it makes things messy from what ive been told ( we had an issue with my nephew ).
I would really try to speak with your sister to resolve this so that no one gets hurts.

[the_queen]

Honestly? I'd report that to FAYS (or whatever it's called in your state - the Child Welfare people). And I'd be doing that right now. That paedophile needs to be arrested, your nephew needs to be kept safe, and your sister needs to be taught that kids don't lie about sexual abuse.


If you were a kid, getting molested, and you told your mum but she did nothing, and your aunty knew about it - wouldn't you want your aunty to do the right thing?


:hugs: to you, this must be so traumatic and horrible, for you, your nephew and your sister. Maybe your sis is in a bit of denial. I'm not suggesting at all that she's a bad mother, but sometimes it's hard to take something like this in.

[Mamaduke]

You have to tread very carefully with this one because if the child is mistakenly saying things that arent happening you could hurt an innocent mans reputation but then of course you have to look after the welfare of the child.
My best advice would be to get you sister to take her son to see a counsellor as they can get the info out & the truth without being coaxed as such & also without the child unknowingly parroting something someone else has said.
This is also a big must for if it comes to the legal side of things because if it seems like a child has been trained or coaxed into saying things it makes things messy from what ive been told ( we had an issue with my nephew ).
I would really try to speak with your sister to resolve this so that no one gets hurts.

Exactly what allyoo said...be very careful...

[Angelmist♥]

Jeez mummabear86 what a terrible,terrible thing to happen.First off, (in my experience) no 4yr old 'jokes' about someone playing with their doodle.You can make a complaint to the police.Tell them exactly what was said and at least get them to investigate.They will be able to determine if something did happen or not.The police (unfortunately)deal with these situations all the time and usually the child is interviewed by a child psychologist without them even realising what they are talking about.They will take it seriously and you will feel alot better about the situation.Sorry, I just know I would be devastated.

I'm sorry,I don't mean to disrepect your sister but I can not imagine sending my child back there.To me that's just insane.

:hugs: to you and your nephew and :fingerscrossed: there's nothing to worry about.

[Whispers]

i dont thinka 4 year old boy would make upsuch a thing my mother and i have suspected something was going on due to his behaviour my mother is goign to hae a talk to him and ask him but not ask him if you know what i mean and then we are ringing the police

[Whispers]

i do not think my sister should have kids she has a 20month old girl to who stays there so god knows if it is happening to her

[oleander]

Yep. It does sound like your sister is in denial. Where does a 4 year old come up with something like that? try and talk some sense into your sister.

[Angelmist♥]

JMO but I'd ring the police first and ask their advice.

[Mamaduke]

I actually don't think that it's appropriate to be asking strangers (and yes we are strangers) for advice on something which could be this serious...it's not something I would put in 'general chat'.
Maybe having a chat to trusted friend, church leader or a trusted family member would be a better way to go.

[Whispers]

well mummaduke not trying to be offensive here to be honest i dont know who to talk to and i thought this was a place for advice if you dont wish to comment or think this isnt the right place for this tahts fine but i have no one else to ask

[Whispers]

sorry about my spelling it lates and im tiered

[reAllytee]

Of course children dont make things up but they can say things without realising what something means.
Its all good & well for you to say you know whats happening but you dont & your actually getting "heresay" from your sister.

I was molested as a child so dont think i would brush something like this aside for no reason.
My problem with this is that you havent spoken with the child about this & also the idea of you or your mum speaking with the child is a bad bad move as i said this can then be bad legal wise if there is molestation going on.
It can then seem like as i said earlier that the child has been coaxed or coached you need a professional to handle this to get the real truth.

I also have a problem with this being on a public forum because now that you have this here is that if this man were to ever see this or find this its slander & thats another issue in itself.

I wish you & your family all the best whichever way this goes & i hope that if it is true then your nephew recieves all the help he can get in the way of counselling & that his mother helps with this also.

[Whispers]

sorry i have offended people i will close this now

[Whispers]

how do i close the post?????????

[SassyMummy]

You can close to thread by selecting "edit" at teh bottom of your last post, and then choose "close this thread..." below the little text box. Then click "send". Hopefully that'll do it.

[bronny-jane]

sorry i have offended people i will close this now

i dont think its offensive, i think your worried:hugs:
maybe you could offer to look after your sisters kids till it can be sorted out:yes:

sad fact is that most sexual abuse is done by family members:(

[Mikeswifey]

o my report it.

A 4yo wouldnt know to tell someone that someone is playing with thier doodle, unless it was happening.

[melfunction]

A 4yo wouldnt know to tell someone that someone is playing with their doodle, unless it was happening.

Exactly. Kids don't lie about sexual abuse and they sure as hell don't joke about it either. I would suggest talking to your GP. They will know how to help.

[Mischief]

Oh my god....I'm sitting here feeling devestated and sick! You have to try to find out what is going on.

Kids get scared and ashamed and change their story!!!! When mum asked me of "he" was bothering me, i told her NO.....I was scared and ashamed and hurt.

This guy COULD be totally innocent, so as Allyoo said, you do need to tread lightly. But in my HONEST opinion....a child of 4 wouldnt KNOW to make something like that up!

I think this little boy was making a cry for help, he and his sister should not be going to Nannas anymore without constant supervision!!!!!

Please...PM me if you want to talk....I just dont feel I can talk about this here! :hugs:

[Hokey Pokey]

Oh so sorry to hear that, I am with thr other girls on this one and would be looking into reporting him. You can do it anon. Feel free to pm me as I went through something similair as a child too...

[heymamma]

o my report it.

A 4yo wouldnt know to tell someone that someone is playing with thier doodle, unless it was happening.


Excactly what i thought.
I really dont see a 4yr old making something like that up..just seems weird to me.

Now i mean my case was totally different i was 12-13...but i didnt want to tell anyone it was happening to me..Because i was afraid they wouldnt believe me...Thats what i thought alot of cases were like...i thought the victim felt very scared to just go tell someone.:confused:

[Fitmumma]

I'm sorry,I don't mean to disrepect your sister but I can not imagine sending my child back there.To me that's just insane.




Mummabear, I think you have done the right thing in asking for advice on Bub Hub, for anyone who has ever been involved in sexual abuse whether you have been the one abused or been a family member of a child who you suspected had/is being abused it would be a hell of alot easier to talk on an internet chat board than to talk to family or friends about it, there is so much shame involved in sexual abuse that is why it is not spoken about.
Mummabear you are soooo right to be totally consumed with worry over this, that is a hell of a thing for a child to say no matter what the circumstances, i think we all know that children have great imaginations BUT they sure as hell dont make up something like that, I honestly cannot believe that your sister could be so frigin irresponsible & allow her children to be back in a potentially dangerous situation whether she thought her DS was joking or not!!!
You totally HAVE to report this NOW to family services, I mean it is one thing for a child to say that someone is touching him on the doodle but the fact that he said it is happening when is nana is hanging out the washing is just too real.
You have the chance to protect these children from any further damage by this sick man, dont wait another minute.
I myself have experienced sexual abuse as a child & I wish someone could've protected me.

[mum2nearly3]

Mummabear, I can't imagine what you must be feeling atm, with various opinions being voiced etc. I personally feel that if those are the words your nephew used, I would take it seriously. Get professional help with this not you or your mum asking questions as the other ladies have said. The bottom line is I know 4 year olds can say the weirdest things and interpret things differently to adults but even if what he is saying isn't true, you need to get to the bottom of why he said it in the first place. Little kids don't need to be exposed to such issues at that young an age. Where did he get this from if it isn't true? I would prefer to upset someone for a short while and have this sort of issue solved then let it happen right under my nose and find out 10 years later that I could of stopped it.

You hear all the time of mothers "not knowing" things are going on under their own roof and I have to wonder if this is the case or if it is easier to ignore the signs if you don't have the support you need to get help.

BIG :hugs: to you...I know you will do the right thing.

[Niki]

:hugs: omg i cant imagine how you must be feeling at the moment, i thikn that i would report him , with cases like this i think its best to be safe rather than sorry! i just dont see why a 4yr old would make something like that up

[Mum&bubs]

Okay well firstly yes I am mummabear86's sister but not the sister she is speaking about :)

I agree that something is going on with our nephew but my sister is trying to get him to laugh about it & say hes joking- which I dont think he is. I tried asking him about it but he doesnt want to talk to it about me so I just leave it cause I dont want to scare him or anything like that. I've told my DP about it & he is going to talk to his mum about it (my nephew is in her care & uncle Mark is her friend..not really an 'uncle')

[Mischief]

Krissy, you stopped my heart there for a second!!! LOL

I'm glad your hubby is going to try and sort out what is happening.

I'm just so worried for your little Nephew and Neice now. :( Kids do say weird things, but the fact he was sooooo specific.... Sometimes child molesters are the most NORMAL looking/sounding/lovable people you know. That is how they get away with it.

Hugs to your family! :hugs:

[reAllytee]

I wasnt trying to be rude or horrible that was not my aim if my posts have come across as harsh its possibly because this touches too close to home for me.
It sickens me to think people do this to small children i went through horrible sexual abuse that haunts me to today & i suffer PTSD from it.
Yes someone needs to stand up for this little boy ( heck i wish someone did for me ) but my first instincts are to get professionals involved im wary of this sort of topic when the real facts are unknown iykwim.
I havent said the child is lying but as a few have already said kids do say weird things & misinterpret, parrot etc.
Hey i even had my nephew at 4yrs of age tell his teacher at child care that i beat him which was not much fun & had i not have known her it would have been taken further which would have been devastating even for myself to think someone could possibly question my intentions.
Not exactly the same sceneario but all the same be careful is all im saying get professionals involved & get it sorted.
I will now leave this thread alone as i have obviously upset a few people.

[skyejax]

my sister told me the other day that her 4 year old son said that sometimes uncle mark touches his doodle when his nana hangs out the washing when i went round to her house the other day her son wasnt there she said taht her son had gone to his nanas house i then got in a argument with her for sending him nack there and she said that her son said he was joking i dont think he was joking at all and that something needs to be done what can i do ????

i feel for u. but unfortunately i dont think there is much u can do if she wont...correct me if i am wrong.
i think u r right to not beliewve it is a joke. when i was younger my mum was in hosp having a bub, my sisters were 3 1/2 & 4 1/2 at the time and i was 13, anyway my stepfathers dad offered to look after us so my s/dad could go to work.i refused and mum decided to ring my father and hav it arranged for me to go to my cousins. my 2 brothers wanted to go to my s/grandads with my sisters (he had bit of land and they loved to play indians on it). anyway whilst there he sent boys off to play and kept girls in. well he abused the girls, the 3 1/2 yr just got flashed and told to touch him but the 4 1/2 yr old got lets say alot worse. when my s/dad picked 'em all up the first thing the 3 1/2 yr said was "guess what pop did" and the 4 1/2 said shhhh and when s/dad said what 4 1/2 burst into tears denying it. when mum found out she got hosp staff to look after bub and went with girls to hosp and true enough 3 1/2 was telling truth. the hosp lady said mum was lucky that 3 1/2 was that age 'cause at that age they dont understand the threat to well and will tell. s/grandad (who is obviously disowned from the family) was found to hav been doing this to girls since his boys were young and his late wife who was duing toook it too her grave, which really sickened s/dad. s/dad's 2 bros still c their dad time to time, they hav turned blind eye. s/grandad got 4 yrs jail and was out in 14mth for good behaviour...but thats a whole other ridiculous issue.
sorry fo this being so long.
good luck i hope it is just a fib but i think u r right to b concerned.
mary

[cenasangel]

First i agree that you should tread very carefuly about how you approach this. This is your family and getting social workers involoved may do irrepairable damage. Secondly how are you going to explain to your sister and this mark person if it all turns out to be nothing more than something the child overheard. I can garuntee you your sister will never forgive you and neither will mark. especialy if your sister looses her kids for any amount of time while this is being investigated because that what FAYS legaly have to do when an allegation of sexual abuse is brought forward and then it's to late to say **** sorry or i should have done things differently. If i were you i would first get myself educated on FAYS procedures and what they actually legaly have to do first before you proceed any further but also take him to a doctor to see if there is at least any physical evidence of sexual abuse.

[Mischief]

Allyoo - Dont feel bad, you have made a really valid point! Accusing someone of being a child abuser can cause irreverable damage to them. And if its not true imagine how horrible it would be for him to have the police and FAYs watching his every move.

The most important thing here is....SOMEONE IS GOING TO TRY TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH AND HELP THIS LITTLE BOY!

[SamanthaJane]

I'd do something about it... better to be safe than sorry really...

You could call the child welfare people in your area and just let them know what the boy said, and how he then saif was joking. Tell them your concerns. I think they would understand that they need to be careful with things like this, so that nobody gets their name dragged through the dirt for no reason, IYKWIM?

Young children CAN make up stories, even stories like these. But it's important to treat them as real in case there really is an issue...

All the best! :) :hugs:

[Niki]

The most important thing here is....SOMEONE IS GOING TO TRY TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH AND HELP THIS LITTLE BOY!

i agree and the sooner the truth is found the beta

[p4purple]

Speaking from personal experience (and trying not to go into much personal detail), some children can not differentiate right from wrong. These days we are educated to tell our kids that being 'touched there on our private parts' is wrong but in the past pedophila was not so out in the open and outsted..... people swept it under the carpet. I did'nt feel dirty or rude, I was made to think I was special and it was a special game that we played so I kept it quite and was not aware until I was a teenager and my siter revealed that she had been abused that I really became aware of what that 'game' was. BTW - Our abuser moved interstae when I was around 5 or 6 so it ended there.

In this case, the details seem to real....it's happening specifically at a time when Nana puts washing on the line...FLASH BACKS!!!.....I am not certain that this little boy could make up such a story. Either way it needs to be investigated. I agree its a hard situtation to deal with. How do you get the child to talk or the uncle to confess?

Children need to be told again and again...."No one should touch you there. You should not show anyone your private parts nor should they show you theirs and if it happens tell mummy or daddy or someone you trust and no matter what your secrets are or what you say, you will always be loved"

[cenasangel]

You could call the child welfare people in your area and just let them know what the boy said, and how he then saif was joking. Tell them your concerns. I think they would understand that they need to be careful with things like this, so that nobody gets their name dragged through the dirt for no reason, IYKWIM?


While thats all very good in theory and you would be forgiven for thinking thats the way it works, in reality it's not. FAYS has their mandated policies and procedures that they have to adhere by for the "rights of the child" even if the social worker themselfs don't agree with them he/she still legaly has to abide by them or it's their job on the line. Secondly, from FAYS point of view it's all about the child not the alleged offender. They honestly can't afford to take an adults feelings and "good name" if that is the case into account in an ongoing investigation, and theres no reason why they should seeing that the adult in question can not sue or take any legal action for damage caused during an investigation as the notification is seen to be done in "good will." Also, even if an investigation is conducted and the alleged perpertraitor is found not guilty it still 5takes 2 years to clear your name completely with FAYS and any notifications that are made during that 2 year period is automaticly held in conjunction with the first. Even though the nature of the allegations may not have anything to do with the first set of allegations. All this needs to be taken into account before anyone even thinks about ringing FAYS on anyone for any reason.

[bronny-jane]

I've told my DP about it & he is going to talk to his mum about it (my nephew is in her care & uncle Mark is her friend..not really an 'uncle')

:) glad to see your going to look into it, peadophiles are some of the nicest people around thats how they get to kids, through friendships with relatives:mad:

and if something is happening, i hope this guy gets done:mad:

[jessgray]

i would ask the nephew if anyone had ever taught him that no one should touch his privates and if they did where he learnt it and ask him what he was told to do if someone ever did. this way you will know how aware he is of what may have happened :)
and talk to a trusted person like DP etc, better safe then sorry.

[Lozie]

OMG!!! a 4yr old boy wouldnt make this sorta stuff up. How would he know kids that age have no idea about that sorta thing. Just last year something similar was happening to our neice and nephew they were 6 and 7 att their father is a drug addict and only got custody of them tp **** off his ex. anyhoo he was stayin with a bunch of idiots and there was this one guy that kept hanging around the kids really filthy one day dh and i pulled up outside to take the kids for the night and the filthy guy ahve neice on his lap playing with her hair and whispering in her ear. i told her to get off him and we took them away having huge fight with their father as we didnt want to bring them back. (had to in the end) we called welfare and nothing was done told the his name the address what school the kids went to and they did nothing! But they came and investigated us because he told HUGE stories that dh and i were smashing each other and putting DS1 in danger yada, yada and the INVESTIGATE US ppffftttt!!!!!! The system is pathetic! if i was u i tell the copers, no kid would say anything like that without having a reason.
Good Luck and:hugs: to u and ur family

[LittleBoysRock]

OMG! Firstly I am really sorry to hear this has happened!

I would be informing the authories straight away. My cousins were sexually assulted by a family member who denied it and then went on to harm others, needless to say he is in prision now for life (thank goodness!)

You need to inform somebody so that he cant do it to anybody else!! Children have no reason to lie about these things, esp not a 4 year old!

Goodluck, I hope the B!stard gets what he deserves!

[indigoin0z]

...it's happening specifically at a time when Nana puts washing on the line...

OMG - that says ohhhh sooo much...

only you can use your familiarity with your family situation to feel out how to take this... & yes mistakes can happen....
of cause no-one would envy your position in this situation [especially obviously the mother should be responsible for doing something]
BUT...
someone needs to be the hero for the child IF it is happening..
if it was your child & you didnt know would you want someone holding back the info because they 'werent sure'....
just "WHAT IF he is telling the truth?"

all the best of luck 2 you & your family:(

[cenasangel]

Ok...... kids might not lie about stuff like that but my old next door neighbours daughter accused the old man living next door to me (on the other side) of putting her in the back of his ute in his shed and molesting her and the story appeared to fit because the old mans wife was senile. After taking the clothes the child had on at the time and every rag and cloth in the shed there was no forensic evidence that this man did anythi8ng to her at all, as such the police could not act. I personaly don't belive he touched the child and was nothing more than a victim of a hate campaine as he never touched my kids and he had the oppertunity too at any time and no other parent on the street had a single complaint to make about him. He ended up having to sell his house and move because of this.

[Leeny]

My dh was molested by his uncle when he was 4, and my father did the same to me when i was older. DH's uncle lived with his grandma, so its the same sorta story. Anyhow without making this a big long story, Dh's uncle was doing the same to dh's older sister, and some of his cousins. He ended up in court, went to jail, and the abused kids ended up getting compinsation. In my very honest opinion, I too am with the people who say that a 4 year old really cant make this up. I'd be going straight to the police. I only wish that I would have told my mum about my dad. I still havent told my mother and I have to live in the same house with them. If somethings done about it now, he'll have a chance to be councelled and get on with his life (not saying that he'd forget), but if its let carry on, he'll be scared for life, and no amount of councelling is going to make it go away. Prehaps the mother is in denial. I know my mother would be.

[Jem]

You have the chance to protect these children from any further damage by this sick man, dont wait another minute.




second that 100%

[Karizma]

second that 100%
I third that... I think that maybe talk to him about it, get him to talk about what happens, and write it down, discuss this with a helpline or someone experienced and see what they think and what to do about it. Good luck hun :hugs:

[pookiesossige]

Yep- I agree too- this is your chance (actually, your responsibility) to change a little boy's life for the better- DO IT NOW.

I have a strange feeling though that too much 'talking around the family' is going on. I thing the time for people having chats to each other to try and find out what is going is OVER. Now it is time to get protective services involved via the police before the stuff this poor boy said no longer gets this man convicted (if he is guilty) because everyone 'messed around with the evidence' so to speak.

[Kirstlea]

At the risk of being crucified -

We had a case up here in Cairns only 2 weeks ago where a mans name was dragged through the mud only for the boy (who accused him) to turn around in court and say he made it up because the man wouldn't let him stay up late or something to that effect.

I agree that you really should go to a counseller first.

Not child welfare their hands are tied in these situations and he could be taken away from his family which is the last thing he needs if this situation is occuring.

Something else, I feel that alot of people on this forum are totally underestimating their childrens' ability to understand some things or think their children can not possibly make anything up.

My dh got home late a few weeks ago and dd was asleep by the time he got home. When she woke up in the morning she said daddys home and then she said "daddy been out seeing girls".

Both dh and I laughed our heads off but we also have been puzzled as to how she could have come up with such a notion. If I wasn't so secure in our relationship I could have freaked out and taken our 3yr old daughters words to heart. It could have been bad. SHE IS ONLY 3. She told her nanna the other day that I hit her:eek: . No idea why as she doesn't get smacked. I can only guess that the other kids at daycare all talk about various things and thats where shes picked it up from.

Now I am not saying something hasn't been going on with your situation but please go to someone private and make sure first. I have seen a few people dragged down because of something repeated at daycare or kindy by another child, and its all been for nothing.

Unfortunately one of my siblings was molested so its not something I take lightly. Goodluck with resolving this, I hope for all of your sakes that nothing is going on.

[Mamaduke]

I found this link to a Queensland Government website entitled...
"Are you uncertain about whether you should report your suspicions about child sexual abuse?"
It also gives you a fact sheet on Indicators of Child Sexual Abuse as well as relevent contact numbers...
http://www.communities.qld.gov.au/projectaxis/reporting.html

[pookiesossige]

Good work Mamaduke! Now that's one relevant website to check out.

[Whispers]

I found this link to a Queensland Government website entitled...
"Are you uncertain about whether you should report your suspicions about child sexual abuse?"
It also gives you a fact sheet on Indicators of Child Sexual Abuse as well as relevent contact numbers...
http://www.communities.qld.gov.au/projectaxis/reporting.html


thankyou i have gone to the site im going to close this now thankyou everyone for your advice