alternatemum
23-08-2010, 09:45
I thought its about time to share our whole story about our much wanted baby boy who we had to terminate (19weeks)due to numerous health problems.
Dec 2007 we found out we were expecting (horrible morning sickness)our first and Dh and I were over the moon as it had taken over a year of TTC.
We had just moved towns, finally found a doctor and went to confirm the news. Was sent for a blood test and told by the doctor to call the hospital clinic to book in for antenatal visits.
I was told by the hospital that they did not need to see me till 14 weeks. I had no dating scan, no NT scan and was unsure of dates as my Period had been all over the place for over year. (thought it was a little weird but as it was our first time didnt know what to expect)
A few weeks after seeing the doctor I was having a terrible feeling about this baby as if something was wrong (my DH also had the same feeling). I went back to the doctor and she plane out refused to give me an ultrasound as she said i was just stressing and everything would be ok.
Had a scan at 18weeks at the hospital and it was the news we had dredded. There was a huge black dot on the screen. The baby's bladder was not excreting the fluid which was causing all sorts of problems, most of the fluid around the baby was trapped inside its bladder. After having the scan we had to return to the clinic to talk to the doctor again and had to wait amoungst pregnant woman all looking happy while my heart was feeling like it was being ripped into pieces (me balling my eyes out the whole time). We waited for 3 hours till my DH said something to the ladies at the counter who replied "oops.... your file is sitting in the corner and not in the pile"
We had to then travel down to Brisbane to be told the same information (that was a joke) .
They gave us 3 options:
1. to induce and terminate
2. anywhere between then and full term baby would be still born
3. 1% chance of survival to full term and if so baby MIGHT live on dialisis machine and other machines for a max of 4years if lucky.
This is the most hardest and worst decision of our lives and from the beginning DH and I agree that quailty of our life and babys is top priority.
So with the options we had we couldnt let us or the baby suffer any longer and chose to terminate.
We booked in that next week (19weeks) for an induction and went through with the birth. It is still raw in my mind 2 years on going to the hospital, hearing all the other woman around me birthing then hearing that first scream while i hear nothing, seeing our baby, then going home empty handed.
The thing i was most scared of was seeing our precious son. Before we started the induction we had the midwives ask if we wanted to see our baby afterwards and i chose not to and DH wanted to. It all changed though at the end and decided it was best for me to see him.
The flash backs i have that i cant shake is the first look at him lying in the kidney dish (TMI...but i read other stories were they have wrapped the baby in a towel or blanket and think why did they not do that, how insensative:confused:)
There are many other things i am upset with, the treatment from some of the midwives and nurses and doctors (all asking me what was going on when shifts had changed instead of looking at my chart, and losing my chart in the first place) the way they handled the baby, the horrible feeling of being trapped in the maternity ward hearing and seeing all the babies.
We also never recieved the autopsy report until 10 months later (from my new doctor)when i was pregnant with DD. I went back to the hospital clinic 1 month after and had to wait there for 2 hrs amoungst all the pregnant woman to be told they dont have any record of the autopsy.
It has taken me great strength to finally write about this and i'm trying to open up more as i tend to bottle it up and just tell everyone i'm fine. I'm also struggling with the lack of compassion and empathy that the doctors, midwives and nurses showed me in this situation.
I am very greatful that there is now a place to share my journey and in hoping it may help anyone who reads this.
We have since gone on to having a very healthy 1year old DD and 2 months ago m/c (5wks), but the emotions of the m/c seem less upsetting to me as it was something that was out of our hands.
Dec 2007 we found out we were expecting (horrible morning sickness)our first and Dh and I were over the moon as it had taken over a year of TTC.
We had just moved towns, finally found a doctor and went to confirm the news. Was sent for a blood test and told by the doctor to call the hospital clinic to book in for antenatal visits.
I was told by the hospital that they did not need to see me till 14 weeks. I had no dating scan, no NT scan and was unsure of dates as my Period had been all over the place for over year. (thought it was a little weird but as it was our first time didnt know what to expect)
A few weeks after seeing the doctor I was having a terrible feeling about this baby as if something was wrong (my DH also had the same feeling). I went back to the doctor and she plane out refused to give me an ultrasound as she said i was just stressing and everything would be ok.
Had a scan at 18weeks at the hospital and it was the news we had dredded. There was a huge black dot on the screen. The baby's bladder was not excreting the fluid which was causing all sorts of problems, most of the fluid around the baby was trapped inside its bladder. After having the scan we had to return to the clinic to talk to the doctor again and had to wait amoungst pregnant woman all looking happy while my heart was feeling like it was being ripped into pieces (me balling my eyes out the whole time). We waited for 3 hours till my DH said something to the ladies at the counter who replied "oops.... your file is sitting in the corner and not in the pile"
We had to then travel down to Brisbane to be told the same information (that was a joke) .
They gave us 3 options:
1. to induce and terminate
2. anywhere between then and full term baby would be still born
3. 1% chance of survival to full term and if so baby MIGHT live on dialisis machine and other machines for a max of 4years if lucky.
This is the most hardest and worst decision of our lives and from the beginning DH and I agree that quailty of our life and babys is top priority.
So with the options we had we couldnt let us or the baby suffer any longer and chose to terminate.
We booked in that next week (19weeks) for an induction and went through with the birth. It is still raw in my mind 2 years on going to the hospital, hearing all the other woman around me birthing then hearing that first scream while i hear nothing, seeing our baby, then going home empty handed.
The thing i was most scared of was seeing our precious son. Before we started the induction we had the midwives ask if we wanted to see our baby afterwards and i chose not to and DH wanted to. It all changed though at the end and decided it was best for me to see him.
The flash backs i have that i cant shake is the first look at him lying in the kidney dish (TMI...but i read other stories were they have wrapped the baby in a towel or blanket and think why did they not do that, how insensative:confused:)
There are many other things i am upset with, the treatment from some of the midwives and nurses and doctors (all asking me what was going on when shifts had changed instead of looking at my chart, and losing my chart in the first place) the way they handled the baby, the horrible feeling of being trapped in the maternity ward hearing and seeing all the babies.
We also never recieved the autopsy report until 10 months later (from my new doctor)when i was pregnant with DD. I went back to the hospital clinic 1 month after and had to wait there for 2 hrs amoungst all the pregnant woman to be told they dont have any record of the autopsy.
It has taken me great strength to finally write about this and i'm trying to open up more as i tend to bottle it up and just tell everyone i'm fine. I'm also struggling with the lack of compassion and empathy that the doctors, midwives and nurses showed me in this situation.
I am very greatful that there is now a place to share my journey and in hoping it may help anyone who reads this.
We have since gone on to having a very healthy 1year old DD and 2 months ago m/c (5wks), but the emotions of the m/c seem less upsetting to me as it was something that was out of our hands.