Any other step parents have full time care?

[Just Add Water]

I find myself so often lost in the advice given to step parents (not to mention I despise the use of the word "step" in relation to me or the kids).

I met DH and he had custody of his 3 kids. Huge assortment of issues with their mother that I wont go into. So basically I took on a parenting role to 3 kids. It was pretty full on. That was 4 1/2 years ago. I have been a SAHM for 3 years now - doing the school runs, doctor appts, parties, meetings with schools - all the stuff that "mum's" are meant to do. DH has worked away on and off since Nov last year, currently he's working away - we'll see him next week for 3 days, the first time in nearly 4 weeks. Come the end of September we should all be under the one roof again - but I'll still being doing the main parenting gig as he works long hours. We've since had another baby and I'm due with another in December.

They have seen their mum once in 7 months (her choice) and I make sure they ring her at least once a week - more if she requests it.

All the books say that the step parent should be a friend, should not be a parent, should not discipline - but for me, that doesn't work. I'm the main one who's here for them, have been for a long time. On top of the parenting stuff I am also dealing with their emotional issues in relation to their mother - which flare up every time they speak to her, however I do my utmost to encourage them to talk to her and treat her with respect (and after nearly 5 years it seems to be paying off, she's starting to realise I'm not out to get her and is trying to sort herself out). It's damn hard work though.

I often think I'm alone in this situaiton but surely there are others out there??

[SimplyMum]

I don't have step children but I think you are awesome JAW! What you have done and still do for those kids is nothing short than heroic. I think you'd be best taking advice of someone in a more Adopted Children role- as although you are not their birth parent- you are the main (at times- the only) caregiver. I feel step-parent would assume that the other parent (in this case your DP) was around regulary- which for work reasons, he is not.

I admire your strengh and your daughter (yes, don't give me step-daughter- she is your daughter) will hopefully look back on her childhood and realise what a strong and wonderful Mum she had.

:yelclap:

[Seacretsquirrel]

I don't have step children but I think you are awesome JAW! What you have done and still do for those kids is nothing short than heroic. I think you'd be best taking advice of someone in a more Adopted Children role- as although you are not their birth parent- you are the main (at times- the only) caregiver. I feel step-parent would assume that the other parent (in this case your DP) was around regulary- which for work reasons, he is not.

I admire your strengh and your daughter (yes, don't give me step-daughter- she is your daughter) will hopefully look back on her childhood and realise what a strong and wonderful Mum she had.

:yelclap:

:smiliedance::iagree::smiliedance: What she said! You are a super woman!

[Purplebird]

I think you're such a special person and mummy :hugs:

[JabberJaw]

I am not in your situation but :hugs: you are doing a friggen awesome job. I have read lots of your posts and i know how much you put into those kids.

My hubby has another child, but sadly i have never met her.

I tell my kids that anyone can be a 'father' or 'mother' but your 'mum' and 'dad' are the ones that look after you,love you and care for you. So for me that would definitly make you their mum.

I hate the whole 'step' mum/dad thing too.

My oldest DD has a different dad, he is very much a part of her life. My middle 2 then have another father, who has never had anything to do with them (dd2 was about 6 months old and i was pregnant with ds when we decided never to see each other again) so when i had DS i met my now hubby. He has brought up my son basically since birth and DD2 since she was one, they call him and know him as there only dad. My eldest DD classes him as her step dad but never ever calls her sibling her half siblings, so i guess my hubby is more in your situation than me (although they dont have contact to bio parent) My hubby is actually looking into adopting my middle 2 because he does indeed class them as his own children. There bio will happily sign the paperwork needed. Even some of our friends dont know that they arent his bio kids, actually people comment on how much they look like him (makes me giggle inside)

You sound like an exellent Mum, Everything you do is in the best interest of the children, and although they may not be able to express their appreciation now, i am sure they will in the future. ( took me till i was 30 to actually talk to my mum and thank her for all she has done and apologise for all i did!) but she said she knew all along that i appreciated her sacrafices :)

Keep up the good work. No doubt it has been and will continue to be a hard slog for a while yet, but when they turn into beautiful, caring, kind and considerate young adults, you will be able to sit back and think....that was all because of me :D

[Just Add Water]

Aw, thanks - this really brightened up my morning to read these replies.

That's great advice, Extraordinary, about talking to people who have adopted kids, my sister actually said the same thing last night too! I'm going to be speaking to their school to get the ball rolling on some things to link the kids into as well this week. They'll be changing schools again at the end of this term but that will be it for a long time (it will be their 3rd school this year unfortunately due to DH accepting a job in another state that was then pulled out from under him to be given to the boss' mate after we'd spent four months settling).

Thanks again for the encouragement, it means a lot to have the support of people I think so highly of!!

[Benji]

I'm so glad you've taken these children on as if they were your own, I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be for children who have a parent who doesn't want them.

I agree with you on the step-parent thing. My DP is full-time "Dad" to my son. I don't understand why I cop it (mostly from bubhubbers) when I say that he is DS's father. HE IS!! He may not have contributed the sperm, but he's contributed more unconditional love, affection, lessons, food, warmth, shelter, etc than his biological "father" ever has.

Most step-dads have full-time care of the step kidlets :yes:

[bfkel]

I hear you JAW.

I know it was said many times while the boys were growing up (either mine saying it to DH or his saying it to me), but that blurb about "I don't have to listen to you, you're not my parent", didn't wash well in this house.

"I'm the one who makes you eat your greens aren't I? I'm the one who fixes your splinters and sprains, not to mention breaks, bruises, colds and flu. I'm the one who gets out of bed early on a Saturday to take you to sport - and I'm the one who remembers your equipment. AND I'm the one who tells your mother what you really want for xmas.".

Nowadays it's "I'm the one who gets up in the middle of the night to come get you from the pub because you can't get a taxi."

Hang in there JAW, well adjusted young adults work out what you did for them and even say 'Thank you" LOL

[august]

Iam in a very similar position to you JAW.