Pregnant - what should I do?

[Kamaikia]

Got myself into a pretty messy situation and need some advice - please try and hold the judgments.
I am a single mum of a 2 year old boy.
A few weeks back I had a huge night out for the first time in I don't know how long - long story short I had a one night stand. I am not on any birth control but we used a condom - anyway something must have gone wrong because I find out I am about 4 weeks pregnant.
I really don't know what to do. I don't know this guy at all!
One part of me is saying I can't have a baby to a stranger, I can't be a single mum of 2. I'm scared of peoples reactions - of what they will say to me and about me etc etc. ANd then there is the big abortion question - To be honest I have never agreed with abortion - but I know in some situations its for the best. I honestly don't know If I could go through with it.
The other part is saying that maybe this happened for a reason. I have always wanted more children. I would love to give my son a sibling and all of that.
I am so confused.
WOuld it be selfish to have a baby that will never even have the chance to know its father.
I would like to know peoples honest opinions - don't hold back your thoughts. I need to know what people will think of me if I choose to go ahead with things.

[FourAngelKisses]

No advice here, sorry. Just wanted to wish you luck with what you decide to do. :hugs:

[aggero]

WOuld it be selfish to have a baby that will never even have the chance to know its father.

Hi there - first off :hugs: to you. Do you have any way of contacting the man at all? If you do decide to keep the baby he may well want to be a part of his childs life, you never know.

[Foxy]

Hugs to you :hugs:

Deep down, I'm sure you know what the right decision for you is.

You will have plently of support here, either way. :)

[porridge]

:hugs:

I think that by choosing to keep the baby, you'd be making a very brave and wonderful decision! It can't be easy for you.

Do you have family that can support you? friends?

When it comes down to it, it's your decision - it shouldn't matter (but it's hard to ignore!) what other people think or say, especially if it's coming in the negative.

It wouldn't be selfish at all to keep the baby! on the contrary really, it would be incredibly self-less.

If you need to chat to anyone, feel free to pm me :hugs:

[alexandra]

just want to send :hugs: your way and wish you luck with your decisions. Just do what you feel is right for you and your 2 year old. What people say can sometimes be hurtful but when it comes down to it they don't matter. The people who truly care about you will stick by you regardless of what you decide.:fingerscrossed:

[cheezelkat]

:hugs: to you. Follow your own heart in this matter. It's certainly not selfish to keep the baby!

[Mischief]

WOuld it be selfish to have a baby that will never even have the chance to know its father.

No, its not selfish. Your baby might not know his or her father, but will have a mum who loves them very much! :)

I dont know who my father is.....it has bothered me a little bit, but in all honesty its one of the smaller worries in life! I have amazing parents, they are my guiding force!

If you want this baby, that is the most important thing! Stuff what other people think!!! :hugs:

[Kirstlea]

:hugs: to you.

When I fell pregnant alot of people were surprised and some even said I didn't know she had a boyfriend. Well I say poo to everyone and what they think or say, its none of their business.

As soon as I realised I was pregnant I told my bf (at the time, now my husband) and told him if he didn't want anything to do with it then that was ok but I was still having this baby.

Now for you its much harder situation. I'm not sure how you feel about the guy but if you really want the baby then don't worry about what everyone else will think, it will be old news once bubs is born and more than likely no one will even think about it anyway.

You could tell him but give him the option of staying out of it or being a part of it, it depends on whether or not you are happy to do it on your own. The otherside of it is do you know this guy well enough to allow him to be part of your life.

If he says no then when people ask who the father is you can say he didn't want to be involved, infact if you don't want to tell him you can say that anyway. No one is going to judge you because the father didn't want to know.

You will get lots of support from this community with what ever decesion you make, good luck.

Just wanted to add - My father did a runner when my mother was pregnant with me, apparently he came to see me in the hospital and once when I was 3. I have not got a clue of what he looks like or even where he is now and I don't wish to know. Seriously I am quite happy not to meet a man that wasn't even interested in me, so no you are not being selfish if you decide to bring this baby into the world without a father. Far from it.

[Muffie]

It is totally your descision what to do. In my opinion, the father of the baby has every right to know that you are pregnant, and also has every right to tell you he does or doesnt want anything to do with the bub. You may find that even though you dont know each other well, he is still willing to make an effort to see the child, and help you out financially. If it was me in your position I would abort, but that is just me. No one can make this descision but you. Just remember that it takes 2 to tango, and he is just as responsible for this as you are, and he will also be responsible for this bub financially.
I see by your sig that you are only 25, there is still plenty of time for you to meet a fabulous man and make the descision together to extend your family!:)

[bronny-jane]

i think if there is any way you can possibly get in contact with the guy then you should, he has every right to know that he has a baby on the way.

[Milliner]

i think if there is any way you can possibly get in contact with the guy then you should, he has every right to know that he has a baby on the way.

I agree

[Mummabear]

I have a friend who fell pregnant to a one night stand 7 years ago. She made the decision to keep the baby and has since met a partner and they have extended their family. You know what it is like to be a single parent and only you can know whether you are able to cope with 2 on your own - I personally take my hat off to each and every single parent out there, male or female, as I honestly don't know how you all manage it.

If I were in your shoes I would probably keep the baby - once you've had a child grow inside you and then loved and nurtured that baby on the outside it's hard to imagine ever terminating a life at all isn't it. To be perfectly honest I'm usually one of those judgemental people that has something to say about women with several children to several different fathers - but at the end of the day do you really care what I think, or anyone else for that matter. Does it mean that you love your children any less, of course it doesn't.

My thoughts are that you will probably be judged and have things said to you or about you - but it takes a special kind of person to be able to raise children on their own, it brings out the best in you (I have several single parent friends) so I have no doubt that you will survive. There is more to a family than having a Mum and a Dad - a family in my view is merely an environment that loves, supports and nurtures each other - this can be done with 1 person or 12.

If you have no other means of contacting this guy I would go back to wherever you met him and hang around for a while and see if you can come across him again. He should know, and you should know that you did everything that you could to allow your child the opportunity to have a father.

Good luck with your decision - you'll know deep in your heart what is right for you and your family :hugs:

[jennababe]

hi there.. tried to send a pm but ur inbox is full.. could u make some space? ta

[Areca]

I think this is your decision to make but I do think that the father deserves to know, regardless.

Just a happy story for you. When my mum was young a girl she worked with had a one night stand with a man and she ended up being pg. She told him, she was keeping the baby (which ended up being twins) and they stayed in contact. Well over 20 years later those two are happily married (and have been for a long time).

[skyejax]

:hugs:
i can understand where u r coming from with the whole wont know the dad. i say whatever u decide it has to b for u and only u. i personally would keep it as i would c it as it was just meant to b. i am not biased either way though, cause i knew someone who opted to abort and if that is what she wanted i fully support her cause it is her life and body. so just hav a big think and i know u will choose what is best for u.
good luck and chin up, no matter what.
mary

[Blessed Mum]

wow, your head must be spinning right now. I can't tell you whether or not you should keep your baby cause I don't know you, I agree try & seek out the father he may be willing to play a part & if not I hope you find all the strength & courage you need to make your decision & I truly hope it works out for you. I also hope you have someone or some people to offer you lots of support.

Thinking of you & a great big fat :hugs: (cause that is what I would need right now)

[SassyMummy]

Like others have said, if you have any way of contacting the father, then it's probably best that you do. If not, then, obviously, don't worry about it.

You already have lived life as a single parent, so you already know the hardships. Adding another child into the equation will definately add pressure, but it could also be a joyous thing (and perhaps easier to leave them in childcare...because you know they'll be together).

There will definately be people judging you...but people will judge you no matter what you do anyway. If you abort or keep the baby, people will judge. If you have one or five kids, people will judge. People are going to judge you no matter what, so you might as well just forget about their opinions and do whatever you want to do.

I imagine telling your family and friends would be the most difficult thing...but if they DO have a problem with it, it really is just THEIR problem...I believe you should make the right decision for YOU and you alone (oh - and your other child).

If I were in your situation, I know that I would probably keep the baby. I'm not opposed to abortion at all, but I know that it's not something I could go ahead with. I know what it's like to be a mother (I'm not single...but I don't live with my DP...so I live the single life most of the time...) and I know that, while a 2nd would be difficult, I could manage. I know that mentally, I'm more prepared for another baby than an abortion.

I'd be worried about my family though...I'm 20, so they'd probably have a go at me...but I'd rather have them disappointed in me, than look back with regret, knowing that I made the decision just to please others...I know, for me, that would be a far worse feeling.

Good luck with your decision.

[spiritedfamily]

There are plenty of people who end up in situations with children to raise and no father to help...how they got there isn't really anyone else's business, and if your worried about people's opinions...don't tell them the truth, how are they to know whether you were privately dating someone or not. People don't need to know, whether they are family, friends or strangers.

The important thing is to listen to your heart, do what you think is best not what you think other's think is best.

You are not alone...there are many women in the world who have ended up in the same dilemma for very similiar reasons...

In terms of contacting the father, due to the circumstances, its not necessarily a must and I say that because he was prepared to have sex like this, its not likely he'd be thinking about responsibility and unless you feel its something you have to do, I wouldn't stress yourself over it. I believe that if he is supposed to cross your path, he will!!

Whatever your decision, you don't have my judgement but my support...:thumbsup:

[subaruforestermum]

Life isn't easy, but no matter how bad life gets, your kids will always be there to brighten you up...

Everything does happen for a reason, and maybe this guy is really a good guy, there had to be some type of chemistry there in the first place....

There are all possiblities with all different outcomes..Your life is what you make it, and although having another child will probably be harder work as a single mum, but as some have already said you've so far be a sm and know the ups and downs, there are alot of single mums out there raising 2 or more children, and they do a great job....children need love more than anything in life, to know that they are loved and accepted for who they are...(although money also helps, and is essential to live)..

If you feel that you can love this child unconditionally, and you have the strength to have another baby, go for it. If not, you need to make the decision on what is right for you and your unborn child....and only you can know...

Goodluck on making your decision....make sure whatever decision you make, you'll have no regrets.......:hugs: :hugs:

[Mummabear]

There will definately be people judging you...but people will judge you no matter what you do anyway. If you abort or keep the baby, people will judge. If you have one or five kids, people will judge. People are going to judge you no matter what, so you might as well just forget about their opinions and do whatever you want to do.

This is sooooo true. Everyone gets judged all the time anyway - so bollocks to what everyone else thinks, there are only 3 people that matter in this equation - you, your existing child and your unborn child. Everyone else should just sod off and mind their own business.

[LittleBoysRock]

This is sooooo true. Everyone gets judged all the time anyway - so bollocks to what everyone else thinks, there are only 3 people that matter in this equation - you, your existing child and your unborn child. Everyone else should just sod off and mind their own business.


I totally agree but just wanted to add a few things!

Firstly I think you need a big :hugs:

Secondly, Nobody judges the man in this situation which I think is so wrong!

And thirdly, follow your heart.

[*Sparkles*]

Hi :wave:
I just wanted to say that in my opinion, any new life is such a precious and wonderful thing. Therefore, I would not be asking if I should keep the child because he/she wouldn't know their father, I would be looking at what sort of home and upbringing I could offer this child and if the answer was all positive I would keep it (obviously I don't know your personal situation).
Also, is it a possibility to try to get to know the baby's father better? There was obviously already a "connection" between the 2 of you or you wouldn't be in this situation :p . You wouldn't need to tell him about the bub straight away, which would give you the chance to get to know him better first, even if it ended up just being a platonic relationship in the end.
I hope things work out for you and that you are able to make the right decision for you and the bub :hugs:

[arthursmum]

stupid condom!!!
:hugs: to you right now darling lady.
i think you are extremely brave to open yourself up like that on this forum & if you can do that you will be able to make the right decision for yourself.
take good care of yourself :hugs:

[Kamaikia]

Big thanks to everyone for their support - I was expecting alot of critisism.
Oh and my pm box is empty:yelclap:
You know when I read what you all say and think about things - and yes my head is spinning I know what I want. I guess I know deep down if I abort then I will regret it forever. While I didn't want a child right now I know I can handle two children on my own.
Let me tell you some more.
Not too long ago I was told I am going deaf. I have been for a number of years. The doctors can't tell me when though. It could be 6 months or 3 years. I am having tests to see is a cochlear implant will work for me in a few weeks.
I am fine about going deaf but at the time I told mum the only thing that scared me was the thought of not having more children. Yes I know deaf people have kids but I don;t want to do that. I want to hear my babies - I want the memory of their voices. Can you imagine not every hearing them cry and laugh = the thought scares me.
I guess that scares me - what if this is my last chance at having a baby before I go deaf?
I am dreading telling my family = they have supported me through one pregnancy not sure if they will want to a second time.
I guess I just don't want to dissappoint them - too late though.
I just wish someone could make the decision for me - fix it for me.
And about telling the father - well I agree a man has the right to know but I don't know this guy. WE have a mutual friend so I could make sure he found out and then leave it up to him what he wants.
In the end I know the choice is mine and mine only but I really appreciate your support - just having someone to talk circles to is comforting.

[draught]

I am chiming in late to say that sometimes things happen for a reason - and as for advice - the best advice I can give is to listen to your own heart. None of us are in your shoes so only you can decide.

I would encourage you to get the contact details for the father from your mutual friend though - rather than letting him find out second hand. You never know - he may be very decent and supportive about it. I think that being honest and up front with him will set the tone for any future interaction between the two of you - whereas letting him find out through a friend might not start things off on a positive footing. That is my 2 cents worth from someone who is not in your position!

[♥Heaven Sent♥]

Hi there,
Dont worry about what other people think or their opinions the decision is YOURS and yours only.Your child will love you no matter what.I grew up without a father and im ok with that my mum was in the same position about 20 years ago and to think that i wouldnt be here if she had of aborted.I dont really think having no father is a reason to abort but that is JMO.I wish you the best of luck and hope you are happy with whatever decision you make.

[misskittyfantastico]

I want to give you this:hugs: and also my thoughts are that it would probably be a good thing to contact the father. A problem shared is a problem halved they say. Be kind to yourself.

[SamanthaJane]

Firstly! Big hugs to you :hugs:

I know right now you probabaly just want someone to say "do this" so that you know which way to go... but its not that simple :no: This is something that is ultimately your decision. Go with what feels right. Way up the pros and cons and once you have made a choice go with it and just see where it takes you. Don't look back.

This is your life and life is what you make of it.

Good luck with everything we are all here for you :hugs:

[nemosmum]

K,

You are a wonderful mother to N and I know you will be just as wonderful with this baby!

It is scary and it is hard, but your strong and wise and beautiful you will get through this :hugs:

With re: to the father, tell your mutual friend if you are worried about going straight to him and let the friend pass the message on. Trust your instincts and believe in yourself

In re: to your family, yes it will be hard to face them but you know they will support you, they love you and want you to be happy so in the long run they will be there for you Im sure!

Think about how wonderful it will be to give N a little brother or sis:smiliedance: think how amazing it will be to have another baby in your life and then throw all your worries in a big mail bag and send em on down to me LOL I'll get rid of them for you! hehehehe

I am sending you positive vibes and am sending a little prayer to you know where just for you:kiss:

sxx

[claireh05]

[QUOTE=WOuld it be selfish to have a baby that will never even have the chance to know its father.
QUOTE]

I think that with your love, your little one will have all he/she could dream of. What a great family to come into anyway - a great mum, and a great sibling - lots of babies don't have that you know...

[Kamaikia]

Well ladies I know alot won't like what I am going to say but I feel I owe it to everyone who gave me advice or just showed support.
This situation was a real battle for me. I can't even begin to describe how hard it was.
After talking to the father and my mutual friend I found out he had a girlfriend and 3 children - yes obviously not a great man at all.
I think this information created an even harder situation.
After alot of thought and discussions with friends I came to the conclusion that I didn't want a baby to a stranger. I didn't want to hurt another woman by telling her I was having her mans baby. I guess the big one was I didn't want to be alone with two children. God knows how hard it is at the moment with one - how bloody lonely it is.
So ladies two weeks ago tommorrow I had an abortion. I went against my beleifs and did it. I know alot of people won' t agree with what I did but I also know those people aren't in my situation. Things went well and it was alot less stressful than I thought.
Anyway I just wanted to thank you all again for your support, you don't realise how much I appreciated it.

[draught]

Thank you for sharing with us. I can only imagine what a tough decision that must have been and hope that after all your soul searching you are at peace with the decision as you obviously made it based on all the important information. I hope that life treats you well and gives you some good times for a while!

[Mamaduke]

It's really not up to any of us to judge, you have made a decision which was best for you and your strength and courage in letting us share your situation should be commended.
Wishing you all the best for the future. :hugs:

[Angelmist♥]

:hugs: Kamaikia, firstly it must have been a HUGE decision for you to make and to share with all of us.

I hope everything works out for the best for you,:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: had to give you a few more!

[Kirstlea]

Lots of hugs to you - :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

That had to be one of the toughest decisions you have ever made in your life how great is it to have bub hub as a support line.

Goodluck

Kirsten

PS - you are an amazing woman don't ever believe any less than that.

[wannabemum]

WOW! you are an inspirational women, I am sending lots of :hugs: your way. What I want to know is who decided to put all this pressure on women. (please dont take offence to the following), but the father who has a partner and other children slept with a woman and she fell pg, now its the woman that has to make a huge decision, and the man just goes back to his family. Doesnt seem fair does it!

You were faced with a lose/lose situation hunny and you dealt with it maturely and sensibly, congratulations on your brave decision. Whether it was deemed "right" by others opinions doesnt matter. You did at the time what you felt was the best thing to do. The following shows what an amazing person you are:

I came to the conclusion that I didn't want a baby to a stranger. I didn't want to hurt another woman by telling her I was having her mans baby.

you are a strong and couragous woman!

[V8]

WOW! you are an inspirational women, I am sending lots of :hugs: your way. What I want to know is who decided to put all this pressure on women. (please dont take offence to the following), but the father who has a partner and other children slept with a woman and she fell pg, now its the woman that has to make a huge decision, and the man just goes back to his family. Doesnt seem fair does it!

You were faced with a lose/lose situation hunny and you dealt with it maturely and sensibly, congratulations on your brave decision. Whether it was deemed "right" by others opinions doesnt matter. You did at the time what you felt was the best thing to do. The following shows what an amazing person you are:

I came to the conclusion that I didn't want a baby to a stranger. I didn't want to hurt another woman by telling her I was having her mans baby.

you are a strong and couragous woman!

I totally agree. I was faced with the same situation 4 years ago, one night stand - preggers, to a total stranger, that actually lived in another country and was here on holidays (no way to track him down). Anyways, we all do what we need to do. The thing that pee'd me off so so so badly was this bloke got his rocks off and probably forgot all about me, but i had to make the hugest decision of my life and be emotionaly scarred forever, and for what?? I won't ever be making that mistake again i tell you that much!

I hope you recover ok and i hope that you are being good to yourself.

[reAllytee]

This is always a hard decision & no one can judge you for making the decision that was right for you :hugs:
Ive had a termination so if you ever need to talk there is now a thread dedicated to those needing support during this time but also feel free to PM if you need to talk.
Take care :hugs:

[munchkin05]

Well ladies I know alot won't like what I am going to say but I feel I owe it to everyone who gave me advice or just showed support.
This situation was a real battle for me. I can't even begin to describe how hard it was.
After talking to the father and my mutual friend I found out he had a girlfriend and 3 children - yes obviously not a great man at all.
I think this information created an even harder situation.
After alot of thought and discussions with friends I came to the conclusion that I didn't want a baby to a stranger. I didn't want to hurt another woman by telling her I was having her mans baby. I guess the big one was I didn't want to be alone with two children. God knows how hard it is at the moment with one - how bloody lonely it is.
So ladies two weeks ago tommorrow I had an abortion. I went against my beleifs and did it. I know alot of people won' t agree with what I did but I also know those people aren't in my situation. Things went well and it was alot less stressful than I thought.
Anyway I just wanted to thank you all again for your support, you don't realise how much I appreciated it.

i just wanted to give u some :hugs:
and say you sound like a very strong woman
it was a tough decision that you had to make i know its tough but im sure you made the decision that was right for you
dont let anyone judge you

good luck with the future

[nemosmum]

K- You are a beautiful intelligent women (who happens to be a great mum:yes: ) you did the right thing for you and I wish you all the best in the future....god knows you deserve it hun!

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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Sarah & O
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