Doubting it all...(the thoughts of a crazy woman)

[Nomsie]

Right from the start, I always assumed that having twins was hard. And then when the boys arrived- I was proved right. Everything was hard. Sleep was non-existent which effected everything else- I didn't have energy to cook, clean, even making it to the shower some days was an achievement.

As the boys got older, things gradually got easier. I learnt to cope a little bit better, but even today I still struggle with some of the elements that come with parenting twins.

I just thought it was all part and parcel with haveing two at a time. I assumed it was this way for everyone with multiples.

A friend recently had twins. Same as mine- monochorinic diamniotic boys. She already has a toddler the same age as my boys. I offered to do anything for her when she arrived home from hospital, because I knew how hectic life could be.

But- for her- parenting twins (and a toddler) is a breeze. I watch her deal with two babies at a time and I nearly brake into tears.

She just finds it *so easy* it's not an issue at all for her. Which makes me doubt everything I have ever thought about being a multiple mum.

To use a slightly obscure comparison- for those of us who have read twilight (c'mon, who hasn't :p) it's like when Bella is a nb and finds everything so easy, which is really upsetting to Jasper because he found it all so difficult. He questions everything about being a nb etc etc. It's the same here.

I don't know, this isn't really me asking for help or anything, but I felt as though I needed to get this out before thinking about it any more exploded my head.

In a way, I feel like such a failure for making everything seemingly 10 times more difficult than it maybe had to be. To my friends benefit, I guess having had a baby previously she was somewhat more savvy in knowing what to expect. But really.... I just question everything and anything I ever thought about parenting and twin parenting in particular and the only answer I can come up with is that I am somehow making it harder for myself.

:gloomy: It isn't a nice feeling and I don't know how to shake it. *sigh*

[dillydAlly]

:hugs: Nomsie!

For starters......... You sound like you did an AMAZING job with Twins........ Please don't doubt yourself, you breastfed twins where most wouldn't :)

Although this friend seems like everything is "peachy" I think you may find that NO ONE is perfect and it may just be that she puts a little bit of an act on to make everyone think things are perfect!

Besides, I don't think this is JUST a multiple parents thing. My DD was a breeze of a baby (seriously I keep pinching myself) however she is NOT everyone else's baby. Every baby/family is different and values different things.

I honestly think that you just doubt yourself, which you shouldn't. These were your first children , this woman already has a child so at least (kinda) knows what to expect with a "baby".......

I hope you find some peace within yourself and realise that you are a FAB mum!!!:D

[chicken and eggs mum]

Nomsie,
:hugs:

Everyone is different. Some people fine parenting easy, some dont, some babies are more content, etc!! Every parent situation is different, dont ever doubt that.

Maybe she likes to look like she is coping when deep down she isnt, keep offering your services...

It does sound like having someone to talk to might be a good thing, someone indepenedent who can shed some light on the situation and help you realise that what you have done with those boys, b/feeding them for so long, etc.

You probably were right in your thoughts at the time and with hindsight it is easy to look back and say "i could have made things so much easier for myself if...." but what you were feeling at the time and wanting to do were very valid...

Sorry, rambling, just wanted to give you big hugs and let you know I THINK YOU ARE A FANTASTIC MUM!!!!!

Em

[Nomsie]

Oh thanks :o

I really didn't expect anyone to reply, I find writing stuff down is theraputic and I threw it in the multi section because you just never know- someone might be feeling the same way.

I actually don't think she is putting on an act- I really do think she is finding it a breeze. I should allow that her boys were born prem (can't remember how many weeks, but 34 is ringing bells) and so are still very sleepy.... but still.

And yeah, look I'll admit that I don't have 'easy' babies. Never content to lie on the floor and look out the window- both always wanted to be held and talked to. Both always wanted contact, and to be involved in what was going on etc.

So thank you both for the reassurance :hugs: What if's are horrible, aren't they? :o

[chicken and eggs mum]

Agreed that writing things down helps totally....

I have 3 friends who all have newborns and they are ALL a breeze, so i understand the "easy newborn and mum coping well jealousy" type thing......

What if's are horrible, my therpist told me I had to stop them!! but sometimes it is just an automatic thought that is sooo super hard to stop and often they come on worse when there is someone else is the same situation you have been that is doing things or is coping differently....!!

:hugs: here if any more vents needed!!!

[Sheer Bliss]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Firstly, Nomsie - you ARE an amazing multi-mum!! Don't forget that YOU were my inspiration for b/f my 2. Despite having 2 babies previously it was YOU that made me believe it was possible and to keep going when it got a bit hard. You go out of your way to make sure your boys have the best of everything with the way you think about parenting and all the opportunities to develop they need, plus more than most parents of one do.

Secondly - having your first baby is the toughest gig I think we get in life. It is so stressful trying to work out what is best, what works and not knowing when to turn the worry-o-metre of is such a big thing. If I had been handed my twinnies first, I don't think I would have been as comfortable as I sometimes am. That being said, I had a massive support network, and wasn't alone with them all at nights when DH worked - it was too hard and I couldn't cope. When DD1 was a baby, I would panic over everything and anything, it was only with my second I was more relaxed and able to handle things better - which is probably where your friend is now!

Thirdly - I am CERTAIN she doesn't breeze through it all, all the time!! I had a friend who appeared to breeze through lots when we had our first babies, I felt so inferior to her. NOW it comes out that she was close to PND and just didn't let that out when whe was in public - always had the brave face on, and always organised to meet-up when she KNEW her DD would be happy so she didn't have to deal with stresses. She also did CC at 3months, and started giving her DD water in the night instead of formula so she woulnd't bother waking up for something so boring - both things I KNOW I wouldn't have been happy to do, same as you.

I guess I know nothing about your friend and her parenting style, but I KNOW everything you did and do for the boys, is to make sure they get nothing but the best, and that they know how much their mum is there for them - so you CANNOT let yourself question the things you did or feel bad - you are AWESOME!!!! :yelclap:

[Sheer Bliss]

Just read the bit about her kiddies being prem and still rather sleepy - lol, that rings such a bell with me!!! It took about 5-6weeks (35weekers) for my bubs to start making it known they were here, and by about 2months OMG, I was a wreck!! When you are waking babies up for a feed - you get the dishes finished first, get your feeding station sorted THEN go get the babies. When they start demanding - as you know it's totally different!

[bgbgbb]

Nomsie, I am one of those twin mummies who finds having 2 babies quite easy, most days..

BUT...

I had 4 kids in quick succession, all of them breastfed beforehand and so was quite versed in looking after babies.

You are a first time mother and every first child (or in your case, children) are not easy. They are the ground-breakers for your parent/child relationship and some things you all do will feel just right, whilst others will feel so wrong. We all go through it, so dont worry, you're just very normal Hon.

[Urban Tumbleweed]

I think you are a fantastic mum! I cant even imagine what it would be like to have twins. My DS was a breeze of a baby, he slept through the night from 6 weeks old. I didnt breastfeed, had no PND, had lots of help from DF and I still found it all EXTREMELY hard!! I watch a friend who has 3 children under 3 and about to start TTC for their 4th and she makes it look so easy and I think gosh why do I find it so hard, I only have 1 to worry about?!

I think most mothers question themselves from time to time. We all think youre a great mum to your boys! :)

[Nomsie]

Thank you all so much for your kind words :o :sunshine: I have been reading along, but through my emails instead of through the thread, and I kept on forgetting to reply and thank you all. It is actually very humbling to have people tell you that you are in fact doing the right thing, even if it seems like a difficult decision at the time.

So thank you all again :bee:

[giveitago]

I think we compare ourselves to others way too much.
I’ve already found myself saying well so-and-so hasn’t put on this much weight and she is further into her pregnancy than me. So-and-so isn’t as consistently tired as I am, she can function like a human being. I was starting to let it get to me and was thinking that with all my crappy history I’m also now just bad at being pregnant.
Noms, look at your signature - you breastfed twins until 19 months. I think you're freaking fantastic :) Someone else could be looking at the wonderful job you are doing and feel that they can’t quite be as ‘awesome’ as you at being a twin mummy.
Just because someone is quicker, or more efficient at something doesn’t necessarily mean that they are ‘better’ at it.
Linc and Beau are lucky boys, and I’m sure Marcus marvels at the wonderful job you do and is very proud of you J

[FiveInTheBed]

just offering :hugs::hugs:

your experience was your experience.

her experience is her experience - we can't ex[ect them to be the same!

I am personally *jealous* :p of you and sheer bliss for bfing your twinnies longer than I did!! :yelclap:

all babies are different.
all mothers are different...
...but be there for your friend - because you know how things go, and she 'might' need your help in the future (and you can get some squishy double cuddles again!:bee:)

be gentle on yourself x

[TripleTime]

I've the multi mum thing pretty easy

But

I had 7 weeks to ease into caring full time, extended newborn period cause they were early birds. I had a handle on things before they went crazy & 'woke up'. We had a routine & stuck to what worked to us.

Of course there have been times I'm about ready to pull my hair out or ship someone to a grandparent.

Noms- your friend may have easy bubs now but once 4-6 weeks post EDD comes, they'll wake up from the newborn phase. But they could just be easy going kids.

[HunterzMummy]

Hey lovely,

Look I think above all it comes down to the baby - you can be the most capable mother and find twins very difficult. My twins are like ur not happy to just be and through reflux into the mix, it's been a very trying time. But you look at my first DS and he was the easiest baby that I did breeze through it all. Every baby is different. And u r a amazingly awesome mummy. Don't compare ur sel because every baby is different.
Xo