Please, please, please help! Need support

[Sleep_Deprived]

Hi there,

DS is 12 months old, and has never slept through the night. I suffer from PND and this sleep deprivation is making it worse and worse.

I have never left DS to cry, but I think it's time to start CC. I think it's important for DS, DH and my mental health. DH and I are both at the end of our ropes!

I have heard that leaving a baby to cry can cause issues of insecurity and is bad for their health - how do these comments relate to your situations?!

I guess I really need people to tell me that it's OK, and I'm not going to harm him by doing this! I'm honestly not sure how long I can continue on like this.

How does CC work, and do you do it for daytime naps as well or just night time? Do you find that your child develops an aversion for their cot?

Please help me! Sorry for all the questions!

TIA
SD

[kirstenriley]

Hi!!!! Have a look at the the website www.itstimetosleep.com.au. i used this when DS was 8 months old and it worked great for me and actually only took 2 nights to work and once for during the day!!! Most states have centres you can take your baby to also to learn other techniques, there are some listings on the bubhub services bit.

You dont leave your baby to cry constantly while they are alone, its a bit of in with them for 2 minutes, out for 2 minutes, in for 4 minutes out for 4 minutes.

This worked great for me but i know it doesnt work for all, but i would definately recommend giving it a go!

:hugs: and good luck.

[lukaelmo]

You know that sleep deprivation is a form of torture, don't you... sends you blooming barmy. Luka is 13 months old now, and has only just started kind of sleeping through... still wakes up once or twice, but goes back down easily... and it is wonderful :D...

Anyway, I can't help you with CC, but there are heaps of others out there who will be able to. I just wanted you to know that I feel for you with the whole sleep thing.

Good luck.

[Chanelc]

Maybe you need to ask your GP for a referral to a sleep school as there might be a reason for it? Then at least you will have a break and they will help teach your little boy to sleep through the night

[JenNT]

I just used to make sure baby couldn't harm or be harmed,close the door and walk outside for awhile.I only had to do this during the day. It took a few days but I didn't cave.By the 3 rd night after having 3 days of not being picked up,he stopped crying all together.I did this to all my babies at 6 months as I went back to work each time.My older 2 have never wokem during the night in 7 years and my youngest (12 months) also sleeps through. I also do not give milk during the night just water.
Good Luck,its not easy being a Mum:hugs:

[mrsd]

I feel for you SD. Lack of sleep will give anyone depression, I reckon, so if you've already got PND it must be a real problem.

There are some good books and websites about CC, like kirstenriley suggested but if you're looking for reassurance that CC won't hurt your DS you have my vote.

I don't like it for very young babies but if he is 12 mths not only should he be fine if you follow the recommended pattern, he needs to learn how to put himself to sleep and you're actually helping him, too.

Good luck with it.

[Priscilla]

I am currently control crying my 11mth DS. YOu may or may not have read a couple of my threads? Anyway, I have to say that whilst it IS working and working quite well, there is a part of me that STILL believes it's cruel.

For me, CC was an absolute last resort. I went through 11mths of Cameron waking every 20-40min 7pm to 10:30pm, after that it was every 2 hours and then from about 5am it was back to waking every 40mins. The day sleeps? Well they were catnaps like alot of other babies. I employed practically EVERY single way of settling a baby - rocking, patting, dancing, swaying, stroking, singing, humming, bouncing on fit ball, shushing, feeding, pacing..... whatever worked. Like you, all this took it's toll on me. The last straw was when C woke EVERY 40mins the other night.

I have read all the detrimental effects that leaving a baby to cry can have on your baby. I really do not want to start up a debate, but I am undecided on where I stand on this issue because I part of me believes there to be SOME truth to it and another part does not because many people who have been cc'ed as a baby have turned out fine. I also think that issues like insecurities (for example) does not come ONLY from being cc'ed - there are many other external factors that 'help' to mould a person.

CC techniques and all their variations is not something that you can go into half heartedly; nor can you wing it. You do need to be strong, and you do need emotional support on hand.

So long as you understand the types of cries your baby has, then you should be ok. There are many different variations, but the one that is working for me is this:
1. But bubs in cot and say "night night baby, I love you"
2. Walk out and wait 1 min
3. Go back in and if C is standing, I lay him back down and say "night night". I then sit down on the floor so that my face is at C's eye level when lying down. I face either the end of the bed so he see my profile and stick my arm through the bars and pat him. Everytime he stands up I lay him back down but I find that so long as I'm on the floor he wont stand. If anything he sits, but this is ok - I still pat his bottom. I do this for 10mins
4. Go out for 10 mins and basically repeat steps 3 & 4.

I also want to tell you something that I wish others had told me:
You WILL go through a roller coaster ride of emotions from guilt to resentment to satisfaction (once they fall asleep) to even nostalgia. Going through with CC means there are other 'side' issues which you need to face in order for it to work. Namely, separation issue like sleeping in a separate room (if you do not already do so) which for me was the longest I'd ever been away from Cameron even though I was only in the next room. We had the baby monitor on and even now, I MUST sleep facing the monitor as it's the closest I can be to him. The other one was the realisation that I would no longer be able to see him fall asleep in my arms - no more seeing his little eyes roll back as he drops off while on my boob, no more little giggles once he's fallen asleep in my arms... all those sorts of things. DP tells me that it's not like I'll NEVER see those things again, and deep down I know he's right, but for me it was still a sad little issue. I guess its the beginning of him learning to do things on his own and not needing me anymore.

I hope I am not scaring you away from CC. I really wanted to share with you my experience in the hope that you can go into it (if you decide to do it) with a little more confidence than what I did.

Good luck with what you decide to do and feel free to PM me.

[misskittyfantastico]

:hugs: I also have PND and a bub that doesn't sleep through! It sucks and frankly, I'm surprised that neither of us are dead. I don't know about cc but I'm here if you need support....

[Sleep_Deprived]

Thanks for all the replies guys! It's so nice to get this support and understanding!

And thank you Priscilla for your really thoughtful reply, and I wanted you to know that I completely understand how you feel!

I still haven't been able to start the CC - DS is sleeping in bed with us at the moment, and we all seem to be getting a full nights sleep. I think while things continue on like this we'll keep going, and start looking at CC if things go down the drain again! I'm just a wuss I guess!

Thanks again guys! I'll be checking in again!
SD

[red crayon]

Hi sleep_deprived. my heart goes out to you. my son didn't sleep well for his first year. at his worst, he was waking every hour and at his best it was twice a night. i didn't have PND and felt like cr*p so i can only imagine how you are feeling. i ended up going to sleep school and i feel it was worth it. both spencer and i are both healthier and happier for it. i don't feel like he has suffered in any way and he loves me as much he always has. the technique we were taught is to leave your baby to cry for 2 mins then go and re-settle (you use the settling technique that your child likes...patting, rubbing, rocking..) until they are quiet and relaxed and then leave the room. if your baby cries, leave for 4 mins and resettle, 6 mins, 8 mins, 10 mins, 10 mins and then start back at 2 mins. when i was at the sleep school, we had a session with a fab psych who specialises in maternal health. she talked about the impact of sleep deprivation in mothers and how it is not recognised or treated properly. she validated what we had all been feeling and made us feel worthwhile and valuable. i'm saying this because it is a terrible thing to have to suffer and it does impact on how you feel about yourself anf your child. if you feel CC is not for you, there are other techniques you can try. most of all, look after yourself.

[subaruforestermum]

My son is 13 months, and have never had a problem with him waking during the night, (except for occasionally when teething or sick) but I have used CC, and this has only been when , he is tired but wont go down to bed....

It is hard, but it has worked for me...but they need their sleep....

I cant stand in the room with him, as it makes him cry worse, but I do occasionally go in and rub his back to try and get him to relax...

Not sure if I can help a great deal, but if you feel you need to try it, go for it.....if nothing else has worked so far, do whats right for you.. Goodluck

[Rhys'Mum]

Hi, this is really long but getting sleep sorted out can bring a whole new life for you and your child so I thought I'd share what worked for us...

I'm not sure where you are from and what support is available but we went to a residential stay centre QE11 run by mothercraft nurses (similar to Trissillion and Karitane I understand) and I can't speak highly enough of it. While it hasn't necessarily been the solution for everyone I've talked to, in most cases this is because they weren't in the right place emotionally to get the most out of the service and the techniques. But if you are seriously looking at trying controlled crying maybe you could do it in the nuturing supportive environment of something like QE11.

I found the Mach nurses weren't necessarily offering the service unless you appeared to be in total crisis (and I think I presented a pretty good face for a long time) but I understand a GP can refer you directly, just tell them you are not coping and need support to address serious sleep issues.

It was really helpful for me to be in a place with others going through it. I felt less like a horrible, incompetent mother. I could call on nurses to come and listen with me, distract me and let me know when to leave my little man a bit longer and when to comfort him. Awful as it sounds it helped to hear other babies screaming and know it wasn't just my son and to see others having some success and others who were struggling. I think being somewhere away from home helped my son too, because the old associations and patterns weren't there. It also meant I had nothing else to have to cope with as well. No washing, no cooking, no cleaning, no errands. Distractions yes, but not responsibilities.

I had actually been trying the exact same techniques at home, and I had been consistent but it really seemed to come together for us while we were at QE11. It then only took a day or two for things to settle down at home.

Instead of feeling like a failure, spending my days chronically tired with a grumpy little man who needed constant stimulation and waking most of the night and feeling like knot in my gut whenever he would cry I actually felt like a good mum.

If you can't get into a residential program try to be kind to yourself while you are going through sleep retraining. Don't try to do everything, tell the world to go away and just focus on getting to that better place.

[lovemybub]

I still haven't been able to start the CC - DS is sleeping in bed with us at the moment, and we all seem to be getting a full nights sleep. I think while things continue on like this we'll keep going, and start looking at CC if things go down the drain again! I'm just a wuss I guess! SD

Don't think like that. Having your baby sleep in bed with you isn't wussing out. Many people find that that's the easiest way for everyone to get a good night's sleep, and it's actually the norm in many cultures.

Hope the sleep continues :fingerscrossed: