View Full Version : Discipline for 9mth old??
Our 9mth old son is starting to throw tantrums like they are going outta fashion. at first i just hought it was teething issues but its not, its just straight out him wanting to get his own way...
i dont really know what will be effective. im trying to be consitent with 3 warnings then going into the naughty chair in the corner/ naughty pram, and leaving him there for a couple mins but he doesnt understand. i dont want things to get outta control, and they are gettting close to it
pls help
I'm not judging you but IMO 9 months is way too early to be disiplining like that if at all....they don't understand, they are still babies and are not capable of communicating to you any other way but crying, whingeing etc...I'm actually shocked you are trying the naughty chair for a 9 month old....works for my 4 yo but 9 months?? again sorry just my opinion
I agree with babytoo that time out for a 9 month is not going to work. I think for that age distraction is the best method, they can be pretty easily distracted so i would try that.
Kirstlea
20-08-2006, 21:05
Our 9mth old son is starting to throw tantrums like they are going outta fashion. at first i just hought it was teething issues but its not, its just straight out him wanting to get his own way...
i dont really know what will be effective. im trying to be consitent with 3 warnings then going into the naughty chair in the corner/ naughty pram, and leaving him there for a couple mins but he doesnt understand. i dont want things to get outta control, and they are gettting close to it
pls help
:eek: I too agree that 9mths is a little early for time out, they just don't have the concept.
I do believe that they understand a certain amount at 9mths but there could be a reason why he is throwing tantrums.
Trying to communicate with you and getting fustrated
It actually could be teething issues
Maybe something is wrong but it hasn't been worked out yet
Or in all honesty its just part of his development, all kids are different. We didn't start with warnings (20mths) and time outs (2yrs) until our dd was able to acknowledge that she understood why she was being punished.
Prior to that we would just sound like stuck records saying no to all the things she couldn't do and distracting her with other things to do.
Good luck hope he settles down for you soon.
I agree with the others above
Discipline for a 9m old is not age appropriate. Babies of that age lack the cognitive development to understand that the punishment is associated with the behaviour.
Tantrums are a symptom of frustration because they are starting to understand that they have control over some things but still can not control everything.
The number 1 plan of action at this age is avoiding the behaviour.
So if bub is getting into/touching things he shouldn't - babyproof and remove items until he's older.
Watch for tired signs - Yep you still need to be doing this at 9m (and well into toddlerdom). If he's grumpy at a certain time of day plan for it and perhaps change nap times or go for a walk to avoid it.
Distract, Divert and Intercede to PREVENT the behaviour - he's getting frustrated with something and even though frustration is a good thing (children need it to learn and need to cope with it to become emoitionally healthy adults) too much leads to melt downs so if you watch his behaviour for a day or so you will start to see the trigger points to a melt down then it's your job to smooth the path by distracting, diverting his attention or interceding.
Some tantrums are just simply not avoidable no matter how hard you try.
If your child can be soothed or distracted from the tantrum great then do so but if you have got a child on a one track path to distruction.
Here's my plan of action
Remove child to safe place ( if they are on a hard wood/tile floor gently move to carpet.)
Remove object or child from situation/ trigger.
I
f you can soothe (pat or cuddle) do so if it makes them worse then leave them - don't force anything it will just prolong the tanty.
Wait til all is quietish (ie no more kicking screaming) then cuddle or distract.
With older toddlers empathise and discuss after they are calm (eg I know you are upset because you wanted to play with that but it could hurt you if it broke. How about we find you something else to play with? ).
Tantrums may be unpleasent for everyone but they are still a valid and NORMAL form of expression for children/babies who lack the language necessary to express themselves.
Best of luck and try to stay positive and keep a 'this too shall pass' kind of outlook - I helps get through it :) ;)
Chickadee
20-08-2006, 22:05
Yep, I agree. My DD is nearly 3 and in my opinion is still not ready for time outs. We have always used avoidance, distraction & positive reinforcement of good behaviour, more recently starting to negotiate with her as she understands better.
But at 9 months to even 2 years I'd suggest heading off tantrums before they start by redirecting your son into a different acceptable behaviour or activity. For all-out tantrums, ie when faced with a boneless/kicking heap of soggy screaming child on the floor, you are going to have to judge what's best. For my DD her all-out tantrums never lasted more than a minute or two, so I would let her have those few minutes of screaming to get her frustration out (so long as she was in a safe place), and then I would crouch down to her level and calmly offer cuddles and the distraction. It's a bit embarassing in the middle of a shopping mall, but at least half the people walking by have been in similar situations.
Good luck :fingerscrossed:
i understand that 9mths is too early for time out, thats why i try my best not to do it, but that is his safe place when he is going too far with a tantrum. His tantrums are just because i am not paying attention to him, i play with him and try to distract him from anything naughty, i say no, i move him to the rug to play with his toys, but sometimes all he wants is to have my attention to pull my hair, like when i try to do some housework. i do watch for his tired signs, and i always get ontop of that b4 he gets grumpy bcoz of it, and their is a major difference between his tantrums and his teething problems. this is purely bcoz mummy is busy. i love my son dearly but i cannot give him 200% of my time all the time, he doesnt nap for long so i cannot get much done in that time either. and my dp works shift work so he can hardly help out much except maybe one or two days a week, and thats when we have to do our shopping our pay our bills.
i was just hoping someone would be able to suggest something that will help him to realise now that somethings he cant do, so that he will start learning b4 he gets older and we all of a sudden start saying no you cant do that.
Frazzled
21-08-2006, 20:18
my son is also nine months old and I wouldn't even think he was capable of throwing a tantrum, let alone understanding time out/ warnings??? Sorry but i agree with the others - i think it is impossible to 'discipline' a nine month old. My son sooks or whinges when he isn't happy about something - eg if i leave the room, or if he is tired, soiled nappy, bored or hungry/thirsty. This is their only way of communicating. Nine months old is still very much a baby. Distraction, taking him with me if i have to do something in the other room and milk arrowroot biscuits are my tricks of the trade:yes:
Babies are only young for such a little time, you should be enjoying this time with him and relishing every little moment. Before you know it he will be at school and you will wonder where all the time went. Be thankful for your little piece of heaven, and spend as much time with him giving him all your attention, the house work will be there tomorrow.
I usually do my house work at night when the girls are asleep (apart from the vacumming that is).
I agree with the others, you really can't discipline a 9mth old.
I know that my DD understands when I say to her not to touch something coz she takes her hand off and moves away for a few mins...then goes back with a cheeky grin and tries again :laughing:
I don't think having a 'naughty spot' would work very well for a child under about 3yrs...but if you are getting frustrated with having to keep distracting bub, or even if you just want to get a few things done, it doesn't hurt to leave bub in his cot for a few mins, obviously you couldn't leave him to scream for ages tho. I do this once a week at least :o usually just so I can vacuum/wash the dishes without having to watch where I'm walking...DD likes to be underfoot all the time.
Kirstlea
21-08-2006, 23:33
Hi Neeky
Of course he wants your attention hes only a baby - as others have said I too used to do my house work either at night or when dd was asleep during the day.
She hardly ever slept during the day so it was very difficult but so what if it took me 2 hrs to vacum the floors or and 1 hr to wash the dishes. Acutally it still takes that long even now with dd at the age of 3 because she wants to help. :rolleyes:
At the end of the day your baby needs you he can not do anything for himself if you can remember that and even put your self in his shoes you may appreciate why you are getting tantrums as you call it.
You are in for a rude shock if you think he is throwing tantrums already. Wait till he gets to 2 and 3 yrs then you know all about tantrums.
I know this is a rude way of putting it but I don't know how to write it any clearer and seriously I don't want you to think what a cow I just think you need to take a look at your priorities.
If its stressing you too much why not send him to daycare 1 day a week so you can get things done and take some time out for yourself. I know alot of people would say that was wrong too but maybe your the type of person that needs to do this. Everyone is different as is every baby.
I found with dd the more upset at her the more she would play up (still does) but if I reacted with a smile or encouragement she would react back with a smile and stop being a pain in the toush iykwim.
I've had far better response with smiles and encouragement than growls and telling offs, with less hard days too. Try it you might be surprised, it surprised me I can promise you;)
When we are out in public, if dd is playing up I only have to say "you and I are going to have words if you don't stop doing that" she knows I mean it (no idea what to do if she ignores me:laughing: ) and stops. No she is not perfect as we have tantrums and carry ons but really its not the end of the world and I just remind myself that she is figuring things out and testing the lines. Its all part of their developement.
Goodluck and I hope you and your son find some peace together with a happy compromise.
Chickadee
21-08-2006, 23:45
Neeky, I remember that stage of not even being able to go to the bathroom by myself. Oh wait, I still can't! :laughing:
It sounds to me like you've tried everything and are just at a point of frustration, which I completely understand. It's been awhile & my memory is poor, but some things that worked for me when I just needed to keep DD happy for half an hour while I made dinner or something were these:
- a dvd. The Baby Einstein ones are great for this. DD would sit and watch all of it, she's such a tv addict, lol.
- having her in the same room that I'm working in
- talking to her while I'm working about what she's doing.
- rotating toys. Separate them into several baskets and put some away for a few days. When you bring them back out it's like a new toy to them & much more interesting
- at around that age she started getting very interested in books and I got her a sturdy cloth book that had lots of crinkly bits or cloth flaps. It was indestructable and fascinated her. I have many pictures of her playing with it on the kitchen floor while I made dinner.
When he does start doing something that you don't want him to do, whether it's for his safety or just that he's hanging off your leg, try to use the same phrase all the time. Bubs can easily learn what the word "no" means at 9 months. I was telling my daughter "no thank you" by 6 months as I moved her hand away from whatever she was reaching for. If you're consistent and use a phrase for your warning that is short, calm, and easily understood by him it might help. Maybe you're already doing that, not sure. And of course, give him lots of praise when you go back to him when he does play on his own for a few minutes.
Good luck.
Neeky, I feel your frustration, too ! My bub is about 8mths and has times when he desperately wants attention. I guess I'm just lucky I've got other older kids to walk around with him !
I agree 100% with MarthaM - she said just about everything I was going to suggest.
I just keep reminding myself that this stage doesn't last forever - he won't be little and love me this much and want my attention the way he does now for long so he may as well have as much of it as I can give.
As for understanding boundaries later - I was too strict with my elder ones and I really regret it now.
Babies just love you. They don't understand anything else. Good luck.
reAllytee
21-08-2006, 23:57
Ok i think everyone needs to back up a little & realise that neeky is a rather stressed mama at this point working with what she can & may not understand like you do that what she is doing is wrong for a child of this age. Not everyone is a natural mother & not everyone knows how to be intune with their bubs.
Martha at least has given you some great ideas.
Your best bet is diversion i know its hard as it doesnt always work but if you take a deep breath then you are bound to find something that will grab his attention.
Have you got something like a sling ? Cause even at this age you can carry him around comfortably while doing things otherwise maybe wheel him around in his highchair as you do things this way you can interact, he feels like he is involved & your not as stressed my bubs loved this especially when given a tasty snack like a rusk or biccie :p
Maybe taking him for a really big walk in the mornings to have a look at the outside world also might help relax him & also help wear him out for him to sleep a little better.
You may find this is what the main issue is his sleep so trying to work on that may be another option to help relieve his frustration.
Oh & another thing i found helped with my DS was either learning a word he could say or using sign language so that he felt really proud of himself asking for something.
Good luck i hope things get easier.
heymamma
22-08-2006, 08:59
If you need to get some stuff done...like martha said...i find the best thing to do is put on a dvd.
I used to put them in the swing & put on brainy baby dvd.
The rotating toys is a good idea...my sister does it...so i tried it...now my kids are like hey..where did these toys come from :laughing:
Have you tried putting him in a high chair with some toys and taking him around the house with you so he can still see and 'chat' to you? That worked for me at this point.
And just remember that when you get busy with housework and such, time flies, so maybe do your housework for 10 minutes, play with baby for 10 minutes etc.
........what else........ cant think of anything else that hasn't been mentioned. Good luck. I can feel your frustration but this period does pass. Hang in there.
hi
my bubby is 9 1/2 month now and he, too, is starting to throw tantrums :)
i have to confess, i just think it is cute, now that they are developing their own little personality.
what i do is, putting him into his playpen, eg. when he starts to rip things and i said NO. he wonīt understand, but realises, ok, when mummy says no, and i keep on doing things, i go in the playpen....
they are way too early for disciplining. just take it easy and relax, they grow up far too quickly :crying: (my 2 big ones are in school, and i promise, i only turned around once...:thumbsup: ....)
all the best
Hi
Its hard isnt it? There are some great suggestions here. I also find that putting my DD into her stroller with a toy and wheeling her around to watch me do my housework keeps her safe, involved and happy (for about five minutes, LOL!!)
My lifesaver is going out and about and keeping busy. I like to do something everyday which gives DD a good hour of fun without me worrying about getting jobs done. Last night she wanted to be on the go and as fast as I was tidying up she was pulling things down and making a mess. Off we went to the library, she had a good crawl around and was just excited to be in a different environment, when we got back she was happy to play with her toys while I cleaned up for a while.
Maybe try something like a swimming lesson which will really tire him out and you can time it for a nap afterwards and get a few things done.
Good luck I hope this helps:D
Kirstlea
22-08-2006, 13:03
This is for both Neeky and MarthaM
Neeky I am sorry I came across a little brash - I am hopeless at writing my point.
Martha thank you for editing my post - its been worrying me all morning and I just got home and went to change it so thank you.
I tried to send PM's but for some reason it says data error.
So this is a public apology as I really didn't mean for my comment to come out so brash.
Neeky as others have said - it won't last, hang in there and remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In a few months time you will have other challenges to deal with its all a huge learning curve for all of us mums.
Regards Kirsten
Chickadee
22-08-2006, 16:35
Kirsten, that took guts to post your apology. :yelclap: Thank you. I think we all have times when we regret what we said or typed. :rolleyes:
I am sorry if i didnt explain myself very well when i started this post, i was having an incredibly bad day.
this is what i am currently trying...
i am not trying to discipline him as such, i am just trying to find ways to discourage him from the things he shouldnt be doing. i know that my son is still only a baby and needs my attention, i am not a bad mother and i do not need a parenting course to tell me that! i would never try to say he is naughty because he needs love and attention.
all i was trying to get at is that he is doing things he knows get him attention (even if its the NO's) and i was hoping someone would be able to give me some suggestions as to how i can discourage him from doing these things.... he is an incredibly active and intelligent boy, and i know he needs me to help him in everyway possible. i already do try to divert his attention to other things, such as his toys, our containers, food, wiggles, ANYTHING!! but sometimes he will not have a bar of it.:no: the only times i put him in to his chair (which happens to be in a corner, not for naughty corner purposes) is because he is too worked up so he goes into his chair or into his cot and i give him time to calm down a little bit. b4 he will accept any of the diversions.
i understand yes he is teething, and is growing etc etc, but i also know my son, and i know that 20% of the time he is just doing this bcoz mummy is busy, ie trying to eat or get the bottles cleaned, or clean the floor so he doesnt have anything bad he can get into (like after the shopping etc) or even go to the toilet for 2 seconds.
i know that you are just concerned bcoz i didnt explain myself correctly and i apologise for that! yes i do struggle some days, but on the whole we do very well, all i was hoping for was some advice on other ways to stop him gettin into these situations where he does throw his tantrums. and possibly some ways to show him that its not a good thing to do.
thank you for your suggestions, and i apologise to people for giving the wrong impression.
and thank you kristen for apologising, its not such an easy thing to do. and i too have trouble getting my point across in writing (hence all the confusion when i was very stressed)
i know we are just having one of those challenging patches, and it is already starting to get better. thank you all for your suggestions and your concern.
we are already trying most of these options but i'll just keep perservering and hopefully he'll go back to his happy good self again soon. and hopefully mummy wont be so crazy :laughing:
neeky:
:hugs:
your bubby will throw tanties and that is a healthy thing to do for him, as it is part of his development. so he needs to do this, so he can grow his own personality. it is normal and healthy.
and if he does too much off it, or is really worked up and you canīt settle him- put him in the playpen or cot and leave him for a little while, he will eventually settle himself - hopefully...
this little bundles do need tiem for themselves, sometimes.
all the best - hope you have a fantastic day today :smiliedance:
reAllytee
23-08-2006, 10:14
Neeky - I have one of those bubbas !
He purposely does things to get attention or get a reaction from me he isnt necessarily meaning to be hard or difficult but boy doesnt it make you want to pull your hair out !!!! Last week i had him purposely turning the t.v on & off & then getting up on the lounge to try to hang off the curtains & will just not listen to me when i try to say "NO !" or anything !!! Some days its like this :banghead: because i feel like a hopeless mama but other days i think i muddle through because im feeling a bit better myself.
I wish i could tell you how to get them to listen but the fact is at this age they just dont understand ( mine is 17mths & still does the same ) all they see is that mummy starts giving me more attention or its just fun for them !
Just keep being consistant & explaining things to him this way the day will come when he does understand & you will both be on thr right path.
Your doing a great job :hugs:
hi neeky, my bub is almost 10months and has not long ago started having tantrums too... (actually hs only had 2) the first time i was sitting on the couch watching him, laughing so hard i was crying.. to which he thought was funny and started laughing too. the 2nd one (which went for about 20mins!!) i tried everything... was getting quite frustrated etc... i put my hand up (in a stop kind of way) and said "Brayden, Stop" and he did :thumbsup: now anytime he looks like hes about to have a tanty i just do the same (hand up and "Brayden, stop" & he stops.... i too believe he is too young for disipline but he obvisously understands stop & no.... so i use those words and he turns back into the angel he is.... give it a try, if it works great, if not, well there is plenty of other ideas here, some of them are bound to work :)
Good Luck!!
Hi again!
know we are just having one of those challenging patches, and it is already starting to get better. thank you all for your suggestions and your concern.
Just wanted to add that DD usually has her "challenging patches" prior to a big developmental leap i.e. just before rolling, then crawling, at the moment its walking and trying desparately to communciate. Each time she masters the new skill she becomes less frustrated and easier to handle.
Perhaps DS is just working on something new! I think its a great idea to give him a little time to calm down before accepting a diversion. I have found showing my DD pictures on the wall, particularly of her as a little bubba usually does the trick.
Sounds like you are doing a great job
wen i do my housework i put ds in his jolly jumper so he can see me and i put on the music and dance while i clean he thinks it so funny and gets all excited! i also give my ds a biscuit if i need to do something this keeps him entyertained:D
mumma_jessy
23-08-2006, 16:27
I have one of those 9 month olds too!
She cries for a bit when i put her down, then if i leave the room she is fine, until i walk back in again, then she rembers that she wants me to play with her. I can be extremely annoying, especially if you HAVE to do something, ie go to the toilet, do the washing etc!
When i cook dinner she goes in her jolly jumper, and if i am doing something and leaving the room i put her in her port-a-cot with toys and that keeps her busy, cause they are different toys that she doesn't usually play with much.
I hope this helps a little bit, and it gets better soon :hugs:
SweetSerenity
24-08-2006, 21:45
Just sending you support and i hope you can find away to sort out the problems youve come across:hugs: i know it can get tough!
Elijahsmama
26-08-2006, 18:24
Just letting you know that it does get easier. DS went through that at about 9mth too. I tried distraction or NO and if neither worked i just let him throw his tantie, sat down 5m away ignoring him then he'ld make his way over to me and calm down with a cuddle. He's now 12mths and i still do it sometimes but his tanties now only last a minute max as he is easily distracted and really has an understanding of the word no and its consequences which is a tap on the hand. And dont think that im encouraging anyone to do that just stating what we do!! Just remember that its just a stage and it does end, 18yrs later!
hey!!!
I have a 9 month old too .. and WHOOOAA can he throw tanties .. he has a VERY strong spirit .. and definately is trying to communicate..
dont forget that BEHAVIOUR .. ALWAYS .. ALWAYS has a communicative purpose... so if I child is throwing a tanty .. you have to think about WHY .. and redirect to something else .. (often I offer a toy when taking something e.g. the stereo .. away) .. or remove the issue (the temptation that is not allowed).. so the child can not complain about not being able to use it ..
I hope that makes sense?? I work in special ed .. so I see tanties most days at work :laughing: maybe it helps me to 'read' Jack??? - there is ALWAYS a reason .. sometimes it just takes awhile to work it out ..
He HATES his highchair .. which is odd.. since it is the place where he gets to eat .. a favourite activity??? but .. I do try to make him sit in it a few times a day (usually I try to put the wiggles on or something) .. I can do a few things while he eats finger foods in the chair ..
we have a playpen .. which again .. he hates.. but I've selected a few favoured toys .. which STAY in the play pen (I also do what was suggested earlier in the thread... and I rotate his toys- I have a secret washing basket in the spare room .. where I stash them till I need them .. that way it constantly seems like we have NEW TOYS!!! lol)
some days .. I just shrug at the housework.. playing on the floor is more fun for both of us .. and daddy understands that (now ... after spending a few days at home.. :D) - so sometimes the housework just has to wait!!
timeout will NOT work with a bub that little .. (as tempting as it is) - at the moment .. JAck calls me 'nonono' instead of 'mummummum' ... due to the constant use of that word (the one I said I would never use :laughing: but he is learning :) just be fair .. but consistent with what is allowed...
just take a breath ... leave the dirty dishes.. and chill out... I spend about 80% of my day shadowing or playing with DS .. (when awake) .. its exhausting .. but this period of childhood will pass (please tell me it will!!!!)
xxx
Jen
SassyMummy
28-08-2006, 00:44
I'm no expert in parenting...but when my daughter throws a tantrum, I generally try to draw her attention elsewhere, or ignore her. Generally, after a while, she'll forget about it and just get on with things.
It's frustrating listening to her cry and moan and whinge...but I just keep busy with what I'm doing (so I don't go crazy!) and wait it out. If, in the end, she won't stop, I figure she must actually NEED something (like food, nappy change, cuddle, sleep etc) and try to fix the problem.
I tend to parent my daughter with whatever comes naturally to me...and I learn along the way. I get advice from different people and take certain suggestions in (some I get rid of pretty quickly...lol). Maybe I'm a bit too laid-back for some...but my daughter is doing fine (she's generally laid-back too).
A "naughty spot", IMO, doesn't work for little ones...but in all honesty, can it really do any harm?
pookiesossige
28-08-2006, 12:25
Things will get better in time!
Many mums find that doing the housework when bubs is napping or at a time of the day when they are most likely to be happy on their own is best. Many of us just put up with a messy house!
To help with your hubby's days off at home- you said that these are used for shopping and banking- get internet banking and phone banking set up. I can do our fortnightly banking and all bills paid in 30-45 mins during naps or at night. I would expect that my toddler would through a tantrum if I tried doing that when he's up- that's just the age he's at.
If you redirect his behaviour when he's doing something that you don't want him to- ie "let's put that back and get out this instead" or "I'll have that back please (remove object) but look!! Here's one that you can play with! Well done! (go overboard with enthusiasm)" then he will learn that there are things that are 'out of bounds' and that some behaviour is inappropriate. Issues are gradually worked on over time, in a way most appropriate for his age.
Anyway, good luck :)
iamstephyc
02-09-2006, 14:36
If anyone is still checking this thread, I am going to get a verbal beating I know, but I used to smack my 9 mnth old. Not hard, but hard enough to make her realise that she didn't want to be doing that. My daughter was walking well by nine months and was into everything. But she was still only a baby. She was touching the oven and fans and things that were not only 'out of bounds' so to speak but also dangerous.
I know that tantrums are not exactly dangerous, but they are a terrible habbit for children to develop.
I found that I only had to 'smack' my daughter once or twice for anything and she quickly understood. I would simply tell her in a firm voice that she was to stop that behavoiur, or not touch that because it's dangerous or it's daddy's etc, and smack her fingers.
Now I'm ready for my verbal beating...:o
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