Some Advice Please

[X'sMum]

I've been looking around on here for a few days, and there seems to be some really good advice and lots of support around, it's awesome to have such a good resource!

Anyway I was wondering if anyone could offer advice on my situation? It may be a bit long-winded, as I tend to tell lots of details with stories, so apologies in advance...:ecomcity:

My situation: I'm 25. I've just found out I'm about 4 wks pregnant. I had a breakup after a 5 year live-in relationship in December '09 (so about 7 months ago), and met the father of the baby very soon after so I guess you could say it was a bit of what they call a 'rebound'. I had many months of confusion about what I wanted, unsure about whether the last relationship should've ended as we were very close and well suited in many ways, unsure about whether this new guy was good for me, whether I was seeing him for reasons such as loneliness and pain, and lots of turmoil, etc.

Anyway, me and the father only 'officially' got together about 1 and 1/2 months ago. We have had alot of adjusting going on since then, and me not being sure whether I am happy with us, and still so much emotion about my ex.... so of course now that this has happened, it makes it very difficult to know what to do.

My current partner: He isn't the kind of guy I guess you'd say I'd normally go for either, it was more circumstance that got us together in the first place I suppose. I liked him because he was very different to me, more of a free-er spirit, liked to go out and be social and have fun and have a drink which I had not really experienced before and was fun and refreshing. However I'm not sure if I really want us to be together or tied together 'forever', and I don't know if he'd make a good father or if I could see us growing old together, or if I'd be happy with the life we may have if I keep this baby. I have seen glimpses of a bit of selfish tendencies, a bit rough around the edges in terms of being sensitive and attentiveness, doesn't talk about feelings very much and isn't too romantic. Keeping in mind I'm accustomed to the opposite. Don't get me wrong, he isn't the worst guy, I don't want to paint that picture.

My family: What makes it harder is that although my family have always been supportive of anything I do, and have always said they would no matter what, I know they'd be upset and disappointed as they also have met him once about 6 months ago when we weren't properly together and were very unimpressed, as he was drunk at the time and acted a bit silly. And they were quite close to my ex and knew he was a good sort. I also worry about upsetting or worrying my parents, as my mum has always been emotionally fragile and they had me when mum was 39 and dad was 49 so they're now in their 60's and 70's and I don't want to put undue pressure on them, I want them to enjoy their retirement years peacefully. I'm sure they'd always be happy with another grandchild (my sister has 2 little ones), but given the circumstances....:(

Feelings about motherhood: On the other hand, I have always wanted to be a mother and I think my upbringing paved the way for me feeling like children and babies are very precious. As I discovered a few years ago, my parents had a stillborn child between me and my sister due to the umbilical cord wrapped around its neck during labour, and so when I came along I was a very precious and anticipated gift, and had a somewhat over-protective childhood. Prior to this, I've always thought and told people I would never be able to have a termination, no matter what the circumstances, because there are so many people who can't - or find it difficult - to conceive, or lose babies and it's a perfectly good human life - or the potential for one - that I'd be taking it upon myself to destroy. I don't begrudge or judge other people doing it, but thought I wouldn't be able to myself.

However, being in a situation always feels different, as I'm sure you all know. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and am on anti-depressants at the moment. I was particularly low in the months following the breakup and was very fragile emotionally, with even some suicidal ideations here and there, although I would not have actually done anything, they were just thoughts. I think I am a fairly sensitive person, I am a softie and get emotional easily, and things typically affect me profoundly. I tend to get attached to people and things easily, and think in my relationships sometimes I have difficulty separating 'love' from 'need & attachment', all of which I have been having counselling for.

Options: My first thought was I'd keep it, but I am now considering abortion and adoption, although I think adoption would be too difficult considering you go through the whole pregnancy, birth and bonding process only to give the baby to someone else. I feel like it's very possible having an abortion would really break me emotionally and mentally and from what I've read about guilt that can result, I don't doubt that if anyone is going to feel these things, I will.

I don't want to bring a child into the world that I can't provide for well enough or give a strong enough foundation. My partner had the same feelings as me at first - panic, shock, a bit of excitement, confusion... and we discussed the aspects contributing to whether we should go ahead or not. He is now saying that he will be happy with whatever I decide, and he will stand by me either way. I am not sure he fully understands what's involved in having a baby financially, mentally, how life-changing it is...maybe I don't either, but I have more of an idea as I've seen it first hand with people I'm close to such as my sister. I'm scared of things like possibly ending up a single mum or separated and how that would effect the child. I feel scared and confused and apprehensive. I wake up in the morning and my first thought is if this decision doesn't have to be made anymore, but of course it's always there.

We've been to the GP, who has discussed termination and given me a referral to 2 clinics for 'pregnancy counselling'. I am very wary of these people possibly being biased one way or the other and maybe it's my hormones, but I am determined to not let any professional sway me, as I have to live with my decision.

I've never been good at making decisions at the best of times. I've just moved out of my parents' and in with a friend, and signed a 12 month lease. And I just got my job permanently, which means I will have access to 12 weeks paid maternity leave at least if and when the time comes. My partner has a fairly low-paying job at the moment and is paying off his small 2 bedroom unit, but is waiting on another much better paying job and joining the army reserves for 1 evening per week work too.

I feel like I don't know how much a baby REALLY costs, not just the pregnancy and birth, but after too. I probably don't know what toll it would take on me emotionally, physically and mentally either and I am really dreading my ex knowing too as I know it will only break his heart all over again :no:, and we always pictured having babies and growing old together :crying:

As you all said, my hormones are probably running riot but each day that passes I am getting attached to the feeling of having a growing miracle inside me and the symptoms it brings that remind me. I always wanted to know what it felt like to be pregnant and was always fascinated by the whole process. I read something today that said in two days' time, the baby will be starting to develop its organs, and I went to a psychic the other day (I know, I know!), who said I will go ahead, and what gender it will be, and what it'll look like and everything.

Help, anyone? I know no one can decide for me, but I'd love to hear from people who have gone either way, and how they felt in retrospect. And any advice from anyone about any aspects of my situation. Thanks for reading :)

[Mummabear]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

I've never been in your situation, but I have been where you have been with depression and anxiety. For what it's worth here are my thoughts for you.....

Depression/anxiety and pregnancy & motherhood is a rocky road, but in a much different way that what you have experienced to date. Yes, there are still bad days, days where you ask why the h*ll you did it and wonder how on earth you're going to cope, but you do, it gives you a strength that you never knew you had and a gut wretching love that you can never put into words. A love that brings tears to your eyes just thinking about. There are ways to manage depression, there are safe drugs to take during and after pregnancy/breastfeeding and there is hope, above all else there is always hope. One day you will (perhaps completely by accident) stumble across something that helps everything 'just click' into place and management of your depression will become easier. I think this is largely due to the fact that no longer are you constantly focused on yourself and your depression, there is another, much more important person who gets your focus. Anyhoo, that's just my experience there....

As for the whole relationship thing. I totally get what you are saying about becoming easily attached to people. The biggest piece of advice I can give you here is that a baby does not make a relationship, a baby is very draining on a relationship, not always in a drastically negative way, but babies are hard work and they take a lot of time and committment. If I were in your shoes (and remember I have the advantage of being completely removed from your situation and not knowing anything other than what you've said here - and then it's only my interpretation of that), I would try and separate your relationship with each other from the pregnancy, I guess that's harder to do then I could imagine, but it's just a thought. Talk about what involvement he would have if you two weren't together, understand eachothers expectations and then continue with getting to know each other.

As for being a single parent, two parents don't make a family, love does. It doesn't matter how many people are in the house. My Aunty fell pregnant to an ex, he refused to acknowledge her or the baby. She kept the baby. She studied, took on foster children, volunteered, worked part time, and raise the most wonderful young man I have ever had the privilidge of knowing. My cousin is now 24, he has 2 University degrees, has travelled the world, volunteers with CFS and ambulance, has just built a house and has a great group of friends and a very busy social life. He is the most well adjusted, well rounded person I know. Single parent does not mean having less to offer.

As for keeping the baby or not keeping the baby, it sounds to me like you've already made your heart up on that, and this is one time in your life that I really believe that you need to follow your heart.

I'm sorry if all this is way off base, guess I'm just in a typing mood tonight, lol. Take what you want from my post and ignore the rest (or all of it, lol). Feel free to PM me if you ever want to and I wish you all the very best with your decisions and your journey. Be strong, believe in your own strength and trust your heart :kiss:

[X'sMum]

Thanks so much for the advice MummaBear. I'm replying from work but might PM you sometime soon to talk properly :)

[SomewhereOverTheRainbow]

:hugs: what a tough situation.
It does sound like you've made up your mind to keep the bub though and as MummaBear said, a family isn't about 2 parents but about love! You may find that after your baby is born or as the pregnancy progresses that your partner steps up to the plate and changes quite a bit. New babies have the capacity to bring people together, to make couples stronger..but they also can divide them if things aren't right etc.

On the flipside, there is nothing wrong with being a single parent and it certainly doesn't mean that you will never find 'the one', or that you won't have opportunities to travel or improve your career. I became a single mum at 19 :cool: in similar circumstances and looking back now I can't imagine life without my son. I also can't imagine life WITH my ex, DS bio dad (we separated just before I found out I was pregnant) :no: Looking back it was a huge mistake even getting together with him and strangely enough I don't even think of him when I look at DS. Children have a way of becoming their own person no matter who their parents are. Keeping this baby does not mean that you have to be with this man forever. There are no fairytale endings in life, so just do what makes you happy :)

When my DS was 6mths I went back to uni fulltime and when he was 2.5yrs I met my now DH and we married the following year. I have been working as a registered nurse for 4 years, we own a house, we've travelled a little (and will travel more when the kids have grown). We have another little girl who is almost 1.
:)

It sounds like your baby would be born into a very supportive family, regardless of whatever the situation might be with your current partner. :yes:

[Mummabear]

Hi there. Just checking in. How are you feeling? I hope you've found some peace with the decisions you have to make xxx

[MamaKoala]

I have gone both ways. My first pregnancy I aborted at 18. I feel a lot of regret now because I have had children since and the idea of who that baby was saddens me.
In saying that, I do believe at the time it was the best decision I made with the information I had at the time. Given my time over, I probably would have chosen differently, to the point where I wouldn't have gotten pregnant.
My first son, I had only been dating his father for 3 months. There was a lot of pressure for me to abort but I refused. I really wanted him and for a brief moment in time FOB didn't. But I stuck to my convictions even though our relationship started out rocky and we were so happy when he arrived.
The pregnancy before my DD (10 months old now) I considered an abortion. I took the after morning pill and I thought it didn't work. I decided against aborting but ended up having a missed miscarriage anyway. I feel sad that it happened because I was really excited about it after the initial shock, and wished I hadn't taken the pill because I'm sure that is what caused it.
My last pregnancy there was pressure again to abort. Being my third child and I wasn't really with FOB at the time he wanted me to terminate. I refused and now have my beautiful girl. It is a hard decision to make either way when you put everything together but to be honest, there are worse things for me than being a single mother of three. It is hard sometimes but I look at my children and feel so blessed to be their mother. I am thankful for my decisions to keep them and couldn't imagine my life any other way.
I don't have depression so I can't really answer that aspect of your situation but if it can be managed with counseling and medication then it might not affect how you feel once you have the baby.
It sounds to me like you really are still in love with your ex and I can completely understand that, as I'm still in love with mine. It's hard to make life decisions when you think in the back of your mind that you might get back together but this decision is here and you should not make it based on a reaction he may or may not have. This has to be done without his consideration.
I hope you can figure something out and be at peace with that decision. I had my children at 21, 22 and 28 and I wouldn't change a thing. All the best for you.

[naebie]

I read some great advice on here not long ago-
"would you regret having the baby or would you regret a termination"

That just about sums it up.

I had a termination when I was 17, and although I was in no place financially/ emotionally to have a child, I do regret my decision. I realise in hindsight that I could have made it work, though I do also think that it was the best thing I could do at the time. DP and I had been together a year, but at 17 that isn't really indicative of a future together.

I went on to have my DD when I was 22, and while circumstances still aren't great (DP is in a low paying job and I'm still studying at uni) we have been able to make it work.

Money isn't all that important, it is all about the love. You can raise a child with very little money as long as you have the basics, and the love, that is all that matters.

[X'sMum]

Thanks everyone for all the advice. There are some very inspirational experiences people have had and some very courageous mums on here. It's nice to know that people have been able to be single mums, and have had pressure actually put on them to abort but have gotten through. It's also good to know that kids have a way of becoming their own ppl if I decide to keep the baby and things don't work out bw FOB and I. :yelclap:

I've been to 2 pregnancy counselling sessions with Family Planning Victoria in Box Hill, as well as some sessions with my normal counsellor. To be honest at the moment, I am feeling quite overwhelmed. I feel that no matter which way I go I am going to have some regrets, which I guess is what life's all about. It does seem that doctors and people at these clinics sort of try and sway you to think about how DIFFICULT it is to have a baby and how much it CHANGES your life and all the negative stuff I have already thought about every minute since I discovered I was pregnant...which isn't helpful and tends to make me feel a bit defensive. They also seem to like to remind you of how straightforward and non-permanent termination is...it's interesting how these people react and the things they say. One of them said "imagine you were a soul looking for a home to be born into...would you choose the life and home you would be able to provide for a baby?" I said that I was born into a stable home where both my parents loved me very much and were even overprotective and even from that I still have many issues, so no childhood will be perfect, and she said "yes but imagine having that overprotective mother and she was also struggling financially because of being single, imagine how much worse that would be!" hmm, I was quite taken aback :confused:

I still don't know what to do and feel time is running out fast. I had some bad cramps last weekend, we went to the hospital and had an internal ultrasound which confirmed everything is currently ok, in the uterus and I'm about 5 wks. I've been having some contact with my ex, in which he has been very supportive as he always has, but has had some strong emotions of his own about me and FOB relationship and the baby, as you would, and I spose that's really not good. But I do seem to need alot of support in general, and FOB isn't always very good at doing that, or knowing what I need and how to provide it, it seems...

I'm feeling increasingly depressed. I feel like I probably wouldn't be able to cope with terminating, but the life I imagine with FOB doesn't make me feel particularly happy, neither would going it alone, I'm worried that my regrets and feelings and possible 'void' about my ex might be picked up on by my child and ruin the poor thing's life....I'm worried about not being a good mother and mucking up my child's life....I spose maybe I'm looking at negatives of both sides. I feel increasingly sick physically, I wish none of this had happened, I know all the choices I've made (staying with FOB this far, etc), have all been my choices and I have no one else to blame, and I have incredible guilt about it all, for myself, unborn baby, my ex, mum and dad, everyone :mad:

MamaKoala, it's nice to hear I'm not the only one still in love with my ex. You're right though, decision needs to be made without his consideration...

FOB and I have talked about money, how we'd deal with that, what we'd do if we were to break up.... So I guess at least alot of the practicalities are known if we are to continue. FOB has come to terms with the idea of having a baby and is quite excited about it.

I'm so glad I found this forum, and thank you and big :hugs: to everyone for their advice and support...I really needed to hear from people who have been there. Anything more anyone wants to add of course is always welcome :o

[experience88]

how has everything worked out?

[X'sMum]

Thanks for asking... things have worked out well so far, once I made up my mind that we would keep the baby, over time things fell into place. We now live together, SO has really stepped up and shown how responsible and stable he is (he's such a good boy, he cooks dinner almost every night and is clean and just does things around the house without being asked, and doesn't drink anymore), and we are just waiting for our baby boy to arrive now, due in 3 weeks :yes:

My family are happy and supportive and excited, my ex and I don't really speak much and I think that's for the best considering I'm moving on with my life, and I sort of can't believe I ever really considered not keeping my baby...but I guess I was in a very different place mentally & emotionally then. I feel so different, this has all made me so much stronger and I'm not even as emotional as I always have been...it may be the pregnancy but all my hormones and brain-chemicals seem to have somehow evened out in a way that medication never did for me.

I hope that people can look at this thread who are uncertain and see that things really can work out well even if you can't imagine it at the time :)

[experience88]

wow that's amazing. good for you. ive been in that awful position aswell, trying to decide whether or not to keep a baby. i guess you have 20/20 vision in hindsight, because it always seems so unbelievable that you ever considered to not keep the baby. there isnt a manual for these kinds of situations, you do the best you can at the time.

[PrincessMJ]

wow you have come so far. just reading both of those posts you made you can see how you made the right decision for you and the baby!!

so glad to hear its all working out :D what an amazing journey you must of had. congratulations for when bub is due!! how exciting!!

so good to see you and your partner are still together and hes really stepped up as i read you had a few concerns about it. some people really do surprise you :)

[Annabella]

Beautiful! Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! :goodvibes:

[waterlily]

Aww that's so amazing!! I'm so happy or you both. :goodvibes:

[X'sMum]

Thanks everyone, now I feel all warm and fuzzy too!! :D

The advice, empathy and compassion I got from the BubHub community was invaluable in helping me on my journey, and I'm sure it will continue to be, there are so many wonderful and wise mums on here so I have to say thankyou for that!

It's funny how things work out how you least expect sometimes, and people are capable of surprising even themselves in certain situations...I really do feel that everything in life happens for a reason, we may not see it at the time and sometimes we may never fully understand why, but the lessons are always there; to teach us something, to change our perspective, to make us stronger in the end...and we are all capable of so much more strength and courage than we give ourselves credit for, through good times and bad.

It's really helped me to try and get rid of my default way of thinking that everything should be a certain way, that people should behave in certain ways and say certain things and that life should go down certain paths. For me anyway, I've found it's often unrealistic and means that I put undue pressure on myself & others, when if I just let things be & unfold the way they naturally would, things turns out for the best anyway...and life rarely actually goes the way you imagine it will, and that can actually be a good thing!

This journey for me so far has been wonderful, terrible, scary, exciting, and the most profound experience I have ever had. I am looking forward to the journey we're about to embark on as a family, and me and my baby boy discovering the world together and learning together what it means to love unconditionally and all the laughter and tears ahead :babydust1:

[Goblin Queen]

Wow lol, I was reading this thread and hadn't seen how old it was. I was planning to reply and say horrible that counsellor was, that you sounded like you wanted to keep the baby and that I was sure you could provide a loving home no matter what the circumstances.

Sooooo, I'm glad it's all worked out! It's great that your DP has stepped up to the plate, like everyone else has said, you sound like you're in a MUCH better frame of mind. Sometimes I think that making a decision is the hard part, once that's done it's so much easier to deal with a situation than to decide what to do lol!


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