Would you still love your Dad?

[babytoo]

I've been wanting to post something about this for ages but have been a little unsure and still am as I am hoping that it will not be read by family members, then again I guess its content would be fine anyway.....

My Dad had an affair well over 2 years ago, ended up marrying this spring chicken of my age with 3 children (not his) this year. Havent met her, or the kids and don't want to.

Anyway, it has been a very bitter, nasty, divorce, my parents were married for 30 years. My dad lies, is nasty to my mum, has hidden money and it still hasnt settled yet...very very ugly but this is not the issue here.

My dad is my dad, I hate what he has done to my mum...my mum is my best friend! But at the end of the day i still love my dad because he is my dad. I have not seen him in over a year and have a 6 month old who he has never met. My DS talks about him alot and wants to see him. He is visiting next month and wants to see us....I want to see him too because he is my dad.

My mum basically wants me to have no contact with him, and gets upset when I mention I have spoken to him on the phone or that he has sent pressie for the kids. I tried not saying anything for a while but that always makes things worse as I know things and I slip up! I have only spoken to him 4 times in 6 months so its not like we are close.

I cry all the time, I love my mum but I also love my dad and its not fair. I don;t know what to do anymore, nobody understands me and why I would want to have anything to do with him for the way he treats my mum.

I imagine if it were me and DH seperated and I wouldnt let my kids call, or see him....it just wouldnt be fair! My dad has gotten nasty at me sometimes because I have taken the stance that I don't want to speak to him or have anything to do with him and it makes him angry which I understand too...

But now I am at peace with my parents being 2 seperate people, I love them both, their choices are their own even if they are wrong and I have my own life to live. I just which they would act like the parents for once and not the children!

Would you still love your dad?

Thanks for listening, its only part of the story but has helped me greatly just to get it out...even though the keyboard is now dripping wet with tears!:gloomy:

[Foxy]

Hi babytoo, I think it is easier to forgive and love, than it is to hold grudges and hate. I'm sure, eventually, your mum will understand why it is important to have your Dad in your life, especially as a grandfather to your children. I hope it works out for you, and that your mum finds some happiness soon. :)

[Little Gorilla]

Firstly, I agree with what foxy has said for your situation.

I have a kind of similar story although my dad didn't technically cheat on my mum...

My parents had been seperated for about 5 years (one lived here in oz the other overseas).

They finally divorced recently so he could re-marry a very very young new wife (who has far as I know doesn't have any kids).

My dad has never seen my son - has never made the effort.

I have spoken to him about 4 times in the last 2 years. He does send the odd bit of $$ every now and again (guilt money I assume).

However, I don't love my dad - he was a very bad father. I don't classify him as a "grandfather" at all.

I'm not fussed if I never speak to him again.....

[misskittyfantastico]

It must be such an awful situation to be in :hugs: I really agree with foxy, holding grudges and being angry inside will only end up hurting YOU. Of course you must be hurt and disappointed by the way your Dad has behaved towards your Mum, but at the end of the day, he's your Dad and your Ds's Grandad. Try and tell your Mum how much this is tearing you up and I'm sure eventually she'll come to terms with it.
I hope things improve for you soon.

[MeeG]

My dad had an affair to with this complete b***h, who made our lives hell and my mums as well, my parents separted and our dad moved out but she used to drive by our house and even once tried to run me and my sister over and we were 12!!!! she was a physco, but then my parents got back together and we had to move cause she starting stalking us catching the same bus to work as my mum!! how could my dad do that to us??? and my mum i love my mum i i wish everyday that she would find someone better than my dad... although sometimes i love him i can never forgive him i honestly can say parts of me hate him, but hes my dad and i should love him right??? well im his daughter he should have protected me... i havent forgiven him, although im living with them atm if it werent for my mum i wouldnt stay in contact when i was older, i jus have no repsesct for him

[melfunction]

I don't love the person that provided sperm. If I ever spoke to him again it would be too soon.

In all honesty, this between your mum and your dad.

You shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to see your dad. I think your mum needs to understand that although you don't agree with what he has done, he is still your father and you shouldn't have to choose between them.

Obviously you do still love him, or it would be an easy decision for you to make.

[Ana Gram]

My grandparents had a very nasty divorce and make their kids choose sides which then in turn affected their grand children. If one found out that you had spoken to the other they would crack it and sulk. This was particuarly painful for my brother and I as we were in our teens when this happened.
My brother's 21st ended up being quite upsetting as he invited both of them and they demande that he choose only one. When he did, the other didn't speak to us for over a year. It was incredibly childish and completely unfair. They eventually came to their senses, an although they won't be in the same room together or even with 1 km of each other, they know realise that their arguement had nothing to do with us.

[MammaMia]

For me, the reality is that despite the divorce between your parents, and the fact that they are no longer connected by a formal relationship, we are always connected to our parents: can't change it.

I don't support my father's actions or the hurt that he caused my mother, but he is still my father....not a perfect man, not even necessarily always a good man, but my father.

I'm just doing the best I can to muddle through that balance of continuing a relationship with each - with my rules - no lies, no conveying conversations between father/mother, no trying to put his spin on the facts.

I realise it is stressful - wishing you well with the balance.

[EskimoMumma]

I have something similar like this. Although my mother did get her way with me not seeing my father and to this dayt its been over 10 years since i've met him.

IT is very hard, especially for the whole family when parents go through a divorce and it turns nasty. You need to remember its your life, You have 1 mother, and 1 father. Simple, your a grown adult now, with your own kids you can make your own deicisons.

I am sorry your mother is making it hard on you , but i think she just feels hurt still and wants to take that out on your dad through you.

I have to say, i forgot to remove the photo of my father on my desk of photos in the lounge and she saw it today and all hell broke loose. I just simply said, hes my father and unfortnuatly you havent given me any photos. Besides you havent let me seen him in 10 years, i think 1 stupid photo is enough :p

Just be strong and advise BOTH your parents that you are grown up and entitled to see both your parents UNLESS one of them doesnt want to see you.

Biggest :hugs: to you and im sorry youve been dragged thru it.

[subaruforestermum]

I too have been in this situation, but I was 10 when it happened....I have found it very hard to forgive him...and am not sure I ever will, but there were other things involved in my situation...

He contacted us for the first time in 11 years, and I didn't want to see him..and I'm still not sure if my son will ever meet my father...anyway....I think you should do what is right for you..if you feel that you can forgive him, then you should make an attempt to, but if you are not ready.....you should take your time to work through your feelings.

I wish you all the best, and if you ever want to chat, pm me...:hugs:

[Mister Noodle]

You can't choose to stop loving someone. Especially at someone else's behest.

Simple as that. He's your dad. You can't just turn that off like a tap.

Sometimes, under truly awful circumstances, someone can erode away all the feelings you had for them. If that happens - it's sad, but fair enough.

But if that hasn't happened for you, then you can't be expected to make it happen, any more than you could chose to just up and start loving a complete stranger from scratch.

[Nan]

Babytoo, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. One of my best friends is going through it, too and I imagine it is tearing you up inside. Basically, your mum should let you and your children see your Dad. It doesn't matter that they are no longer together, every child has the right to access to both of their parents (so long as they won't be in danger).
If you don't feel comfortable talking to your mum, I'd write her a letter and make sure she understands that you are not betraying her or taking sides and you love her to bits - you just want to see him. Your relationship with him is separate from her relationship with him - two totally different realtionships - and I feel that even though theirs has ended, that doesn't mean yours has to.
You say that if you were in that situation, you wouldn't want your kids to see their Dad either, but they may end up resenting you for it and being in just as much pain as you are right now.
The fact that your Dad has made an effort to want to see you & the kids is a positive sign. My friend always has to approach her Dad.
I hope it all works out for you. It will take some time. :hugs:
Love,
Nan. xx

[mich71]

im sorry you feel that way but to here some one that has two parents ask that question breaks my heart what happened to your mum and dad has absoluily nothing to do with you its between them and when you come to realise this you will see that having both is better

[babytoo]

You say that if you were in that situation, you wouldn't want your kids to see their Dad either, but they may end up resenting you for it and being in just as much pain as you are right now

Sorry I meant that I wouldnt not let them see him....

Thanks everyone, because he is always trying to make an effort for contact, it makes me think he still cares and wants to be a part of our lives even though he is in another state. If he didnt have contact them maybe, it would be a diff story. My dad and I have been thru many ups and downs thru this whole thing. I don't want to meet HER or know anything about HER and HER KIDS...he didnt understand that for ages and ages and its something we argued about alot. Now we just talk about my DS & DD, its easier that way. Time will heal though....:fingerscrossed:

[Briannabear]

My parents are divorced (an affair was involved in the process), and Ive never stopped loving or caring for either of them. Fair enough one of them has been hurt, but you are both of theirs.
Its so difficult being in the middle of all this ****, but you really need to try and rise above it before its too late.
Your mum will get over it one day and realise that he is still your father. Just dont throw it in her face (iykwim) that you want to see him. Ease him back into your life slowly to give her time to adjust.
Its only fair that your child gets to know their grandfather.

Good luck! :hugs:

[melbryan]

I feel so sorry for you having to make this decision.
My Dh had the same thing happen to him growing up. I believe the problems are between him and your mum even though you may be hurting for your mum , they need to sort their stuff out themselves. Your Ds has a right to see his grandparents and enjoy doing grandparent things.
I would say to my dad I don't like what you do but you are my dad and 'I love you'. It is unfair for your parents to expect you to take sides as it is not to do with you. I would continue to give my mum all the support but not leave dad out as he still deserves to be part of your lives.

[Jo_Jo]

my partner went through this, just the other way around it was his mum that left and got the other man!! rod was so very bitter towards his mum along with his dad...a year after i was so sick of trying to be a mediater to everyone i cracked i let rod no that his mother had rared him along with his dad all the kids were grown up and maybe she did not want to be in a relationship where she could not give back the love that his dad gave her would you really want them together if they were not happy!! months after he said he will go and see his mum and her new partner i was happy as i loved his mum and dad no matter what, his dad was moody and grumpy about it, but i told rod that is his problem and maybe he needs counselling, she is your mum so we all met and as time went by he became really good friends with her new partner and was happy seeing his mum as he said he had felt so empty without her. His dad had a go at him about it and well he let him have it he said dad i have stood by you and i love you but you have to
move on!! one day you are going to meet someone too, i love mum and the breakdown was between you two not us kids....well that was about 6 years ago now and his dad has been seeing a women for some months now and he is a different man, his happy moved on with his life and he now can be civil in family situations. I think you have to let your mum know how you feel.....but it,s the old saying too time heals all wounds...goodluck to you and your family as people we love can be here today and gone tommorow:yes:

cheers...jo:thumbsup:

[*~alegna~*]

It is so so sad that this story is so common!...Big Hugs to everyone that it has happened to :hugs:

My Dh's parents were the same, 19yr marraige..5 yr ago....DH still has a hard time with it.

All he says is that he WIL NEVER do the same to me or our family. I guess thats all we can do, learn from their mistakes:hugs:

[Peaceangels]

OMGoodness Babytoo, your story sounds very similar to my parent's marriage breakup.

My mother and I are very close, but I still wanted to have a relationship with my father, cause he's the only one I have. It has taken many years for my mother to understand and accept this (and rightly so).
My mother no longer hold's any anger against my father (anger is a nasty emotion and eat's away at you), but she will never forget what he did to her and neither will I for that matter.
We got married a couple of years after my parent's divorced and me wanting my father to walk me down the aisle caused such anger amongst family member's and mum's friends that we almost decided to elope instead.
As I had explained to all who blasted me for the decision, it was only one day and on that wonderful day that meant so much to me and DH every one should be able to put their feeling's aside - and they did!
My father will never admit to the lies and deception and I accepted long ago that our relationship will not be a close one, but the fact that we have one give's me alot of inner peace.
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or some advice, pm me any time! :hugs:

[LittleBoysRock]

This sounds EXACTLY like my parents situation when I was younger.

Despite all the things my Dad has done to me and my brother and sister, not to mention my Mum....I still love him. He didnt come to my wedding or contact me when my DS was born but he is still my father.

[babytoo]

I am so completely overwhelmed by the number of people who have been in a similar situation. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making me feel better even if it is just for a few moments!:)

Things are just getting nastier....I normally speak with my mum at least once a day, called her several times today and was unable to get hold of her....left a message around lunchtime and she is yet to return my call.....she is on another downhill spiral.....I will just leave her be for a while.....

[misskittyfantastico]

I'll just send more of these :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[whatwasithinking]

My dad remarried in 1992. His new wife and I got on well for a couple of years even though she used to talk about me and my sisters behind our backs. Anyway this went on for about 8yrs until one day all hell broke loose. My BIL had a bit too much to drink and let all fly to my dad stating how much I and my sisters didn't like dad's wife and how dad's wife has been soo mean to us all these years. Dad went home and told his wife who hit the roof and basically didn't want anything to do with us from then on as she was stating it was us kids causing all the problems and she was never mean and always nice. (my two sisters are back talking to her but they haven't discussed with her the issues)

Over the following years I have tried to be polite (as that is how I have been brought up) but she has always been cold towards me.

Her major gripe now though is that I didn't invite her to my wedding (I knew she wouldn't show up anyway as it was small wedding interstate and they have kids to look after plus I didn't want any bad vibes on MY wedding day). She has never forgotten this and dad used to bring this up any chance he had.

Dad is always at me about apologising and making amends now that I am a mother (he's been harping on this for over 3yrs now - starting lliterly the day DD1 was born - I didn't want to discuss it that day as I had just had 18hr labour and emergency c section so I wasn't exactly in a talkative mood)

Because of this my relationship with my dad has since been strained to the point where I and my little family are no longer welcome in their house (literly kicked out on Xmas day) as I still cause too much problems between them.

I took the plunge to aplogise through a letter and try to make amends with everyone as I really do love my dad - but it hasn't really worked.

I guess after all this long winded dribble I have said tonight my suggestion to you is do what you feel in your heart and what u think is right for you.


I probably haven't helped - just babbled for ages.

[claireandbailey]

I think this scenario is so common and familiar to alot of people!
My parents split nearly 4 years ago after being married for 27years. My father had an affair with his old high school girlfriend. And he has moved to melbourne to live with her. As far as i am concerned the minute he left my mum he left my family! I dont want anything to do with him and do not respect him one bit!.
I have recently gone through some dramas with him wanting to see my DD. He sent me a letter last november from a lawyer stating that he wanted contact with me and Bailey and he wanted to reconcile our relationship. I spoke to legal aid and they said to ignore it he couldnt force me to do anything. Then 2 mths ago i wake up to a knock at the door and it is a person serving me court orders from him wanting access to Bailey.
SO i went to legal aid and have just gone through two lots of mediation to try to come to an agreement. I dont want him to have anything to do with bailey but with the new access laws i pretty much dont have a choice unless basically he was physically or mentally abusive. In the end i agreed to let him see her but only becos i didnt want it to get dragged through court. it was bad enough having to go to mediation and talk to him. But the good side is i finally told him wat i thought of him! and it felt good! Some ppl would say i am selfish for not letting him see Bailey but i dont want Bailey to see me the way i was when i had to sort this nonsense out. And i hate the new laws becos i hate the fact that someone can tell me what to do with MY child!

[Bearskin]

My dad had an affair when I was young but my parents stayed together. Growing up knowing that your dad had been unfaithful was bloody hard, as for most women, our dads are our heroes and when they let us down it is so hard to accept.

The best advice I can give you is to understand that for your parents marriage to breakdown, both of them contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and the affair your father has had (and subsequent marriage) are side effects of a relationship that probably had problems from both sides.

Most marriage breakdowns, unless one partner is a total *******, are a failure of a relationship that takes 2 people.

Be honest with your mum too; I know my mum wanted me to take sides for most of my childhood (even though they stayed married) and in the end I talked openly about her contribution to the breakdown of the marriage and perhaps some honesty from within was called for. That may be a bit early for your mum, but she may be ready one day. At least your mum might have the chance now to find someone who truly loves her - no point staying in a marriage that isn't healthy.

Don't forget, its a cliche but life is bloody short. No-one is perfect and we all make mistakes; some are just bigger than others.

[cenasangel]

Im glad this thread has come up as i can identify strongly with this situation.
My old man is a 53 year old blind alcaholic. Do not ask me how but he managed to shack up with this girl (and i use that word loosely) who is older than me by eight weeks. She lived in Canberra so my old man paid for her to fly down to move in with him He also paid to get her stuff out of storage as she was living with a girlfreind at the time. What shockied me was that no sooner had she got here than they were reciving pamphlets from fertility associations and visiting the repomed clinic at queen elizabeth hospital to enquire about her using donor sperm to get pregnant. (he had a vasectomy for 12 years at the time and the doctors told him there was no hope of reversing it or extracting sperm from it.)

Now im not a prude and wouldn't have a problem with this in any other couple but the man was 53 and an alcaholic. secondly he did nothing for us as a father and refused to step up to the plate as a father with myself and my brothers and indeed denies paternity of myself and my eldest brother. We had concerns of if he cant look after the 4 he already had how would he look after a fith one and would he be there for her in the long run given his age.

10 thousand dollars later the wicked witch had her baby and we have not seen him since. From time to time he may ring us when she is not in as she told him he is not allowed to contact us and have anything to do with us. They have no plans to tell the child she is a donor sperm baby and he honestly kids himself he is the father.

We choose not to aknowlage the child as our sister as she has no biological contacts to us and is her baby not my old mans. We forgive him for the way he has acted but we have to protect ourselfs from any future hurt. For that reason we are saying that if he wants a relationship with us then it has to be indipendant of her and the child. I know everyones going to flame me for my attitude towards the child but thats just the way i feel.

[NZMama]

Ive been in a similar situation except it was my mother that cheated and moved out. My brothers and I were caught in the middle as well.
I learnt from this experience never to place my children in the same situation.
When DP and I broke up for a couple of years I made sure that the issues were kept between he and I and were never placed on our childs shoulders as it wasnt her burden to carry. Sure things were awkward but we were plesant for the sake of our child.
I too had a shaky relationship with my mother after it all happened, it had more to do with the way my mother dealt with the situation rather than the fact that it happened at all (and I knew my dad was also at fault).
Now my brothers and I have good relationships with both parents (although my mother can be catty sometimes, dad just rolls his eyes and laughs it off. If it dosnt bother him why should it bother us). They obviously dont rush out to coffee together but they remain civil and plesant when they do come together for say my daughters christianing or my graduation.
I think that it is wrong for your mother to make you part of the situation between her and your dad. You have the right to see your father and she should understand that. I hope things get easier for you and that time heals the wounds of your parents.

[SassyMummy]

As far as I know, neither of my parents cheated...but the did get divorced when I was 13. (Surprisingly, it wasn't something that shattered my world...I was very happy that they were FINALLY getting a divorce).

While I don't have to deal with the whole issue of cheating, I do have to deal with my parents saying awful things about each other (while trying to pass them off as innocent comments/observations). That's what I hate more than anything else - the fact that all of a sudden, they feel that it's fine to poke fun at the other person...TO ME! They also like to tell me about the flaws that made their marriage fall apart...something I don't want (or need) to know.

When parents divorce, I think they need to seriously take into consideration that, no matter how old their children are, they still don't need to know every inner detail of the relationship and its associated problems... and I think it's so unfair to burden their children (even if they're 30) with that sort of baggage.

In my case, my parents divorced because they no longer liked each other. Fair enough. I can cope with that...hell, I'm happy that they finally realised their marriage was over (I knew a long time before they finally admitted it). What I'm not happy about, is the fact that they seem to think they can talk to me as if I'm their "friend" who shares their dislike for the other person.

I guess, in my case, I prefer my mother. I get along better with her, and I don't really like my Dad, as a person. That said, I still love him...but with every bad word he says about Mum, I dislike him even more. I guess dislike is different to hatred though...because even if I dislike him, I think I will always love him.

Perhaps you should let your mother know that she's being selfish. Say it bluntly...don't beat around the bush, or she'll not fully understand the impact her attitude is having on you. Explain to her that, while you're furious that your father could be so selfish, uncaring and horrible, he is your father and you love him. Explain that your children also have hte right to a relationship with their grandfather, and that you're sorry it upsets her, but it's just the way things should be. Explain that his cheating is a problem between the two of them (your parents) and while it has affected you, it's not your problem...and that you shouldn't have to feel like you should hate your father because of it.

If it's too hard to say in words, say it in writing. I always find that writing is easier for me. In the heat of hte moment, I lose track of what I'm saying...and people can also interupt you. They might not listen carefully and miss important points, and they might want to retaliate in anger. If you give a letter though, they can read it over and over, let it sink in. They can have time to read it, but not have time to respond with anger. You can get all of what you want to say out...without eyes staring at you, making you feel bad/uncomfortable.

Good luck.