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DaughteroftheForest

09-07-2010, 22:14

So, my partner and I have been together for about 16 months and we have a beautiful daughter together (almost 6 months) and my son who is 5 on the 18th.
Abit of background: My parents broke up when i was 14 months old due to my dads drug addiction (dope) and my brother (whom I have always been incredibly close too) has been in and out of pshyciatric facilities and drug rehabilition services since I was 13. He has drug induced pshycosis, bi-polar, frontal lobe damage from sniffing butane and has said and done some terrible things to both himself and my family. All of this started off with his addiction to dope, a learned behaviour from our father. My ex is also a chronic dope smoker, but thats a whole other rant entirely!

When DP and I first got together, I told him he had to quit the dope or we wouldn't last long. Next thing you know, I'm pregnant. At first he was pretty good about it, I thought. But after a few months he started to smoke pretty heavily, ignoring the fact that I hated it. At first he refused to not smoke it on the property, claiming he would keep it all locked up in the back shed. It was only after my son ( then just 4) got into the back shed TWICE (because he was careless and left it unlocked) and I found him in the back yard playing with DP's bong did he finally agree to only smoke at a friends place. We fought about it all through my pregnancy, he'd say he'd quit and then a day later he'd be stoned. Through it all he kept swearing that he would quit completely when the baby was born. he was adamant about that. And I really believed him, I guess I had to to get by. But of course, when our perfect baby girl did come into the world, he lef the hospital and went staright to his mates place and had a smoke 'to celebrate'. I didn't find out until about 3 weeks later that he'd been smoking the whole time. And I was f***king livid. I almost broke up with him on the spot, but he literally begged me to give him another chance. he told me that he wouldn't screw it up again, just to give him one last chance. And I did, because I love him, and I want to be a family, and I don't want history to repeat itself.
3 months pass, 3 months in which I try my darndest to trust him and believe in him. And I did, he had quit smoking.he had quit smoking because he had to, because he'd lose us if he didn't. He had quit smoking because there was no other choice.
But apparently there was. My daughter was 4 months old and I was sitting on the end of our bed nursing her when he came in and all I could smell on him was weed. After that it came out that he had been smoking the whole time, and just staying out really late so I'd be asleep when he got home and wouldn't smell it on him. While i was busy feeding our daughter and reading bedtime stories to my son and planning our damn wedding he had been sneaking around behind my back, lying and cheating on me.
And I still didn't leave him. Don't get me worng, I broke up with him, he's moved upstairs and we're 'seperated under the same roof'. offically I am a single mother of two. I've told him I won't get back together with him until he's six months clean. The wedding is called off. But none of that means anything. Because I'm still in this, we still live in the same house and he acts like nothing has happened. he still calls me baby and still sleeps next to me some nights and he still asks me 'so what are we doing today?'. And he still smokes.
We don't have sex, I don't act affectionate towards him. I'll let him hug me, I even bear a kiss every now and then, grudgingly. There are times when I catch myself feeling happy, forgetting everything thats happened. Feeling loved and whole and not aware that I can't trust him, or that he doesn't give a flying F**CK that he is slowly digging through my insides. because i want to be happy, i want togo back to how I THOUGHT things were, just after my baby girl was born, and I thought that i had just had a baby with the love of my life, who I could trust with my life. I migrate towards that feeling because it's the happiest I've ever been, and it was all a lie. The happiest I have ever been was a lie.
I look at my life now and it is unrecogniseable to where I thought it would be. I am stuck living with my ex, living in this purgatory, unable to take a step one way or the other. I can't keep living like this. When he's not smoking, thingsare great, and i enjoy his company and like to spend time with him. But when i ask him 'have you been smoking' (I ask him every day, sometimes more than once) and he doesn't answer No, he won't even tell the tuth and sayyes, he just makes jokes, changes the subject, etc, I lose myself all over again. I can't keep balancing my happiness on the knife edge of his addiction, because when he doesnt answer, and I know he's been smoking, my whole mood plummets. I go from happy and joking to bursting into tears in Target (the instance that has brought on this rant) and i can't do it anymore. I have kids, which means i have more important things to be doing with my life. He wont go to rehab, because they dont let yousmoke cigarettes in there, he wont go to meetings cos 'he's not that type of person', he's not working, he's not helping me around the house, he spends most of his time at his friends places around the corner. He refuses to move out because he says he has no where else to go. he seems perfectly happy to continue on like this. Meanwhile, at this point, even if we lived in the magical land of unbroken promises and he woke up tomorrow and never had another toke in his life, I don't know if I'd ever be able to look at him the same. He wont even talk to me about it, I try and discuss this with him and he either leaves mid sentence or just shtus down and doesnt say a thing. he wont even let me TALK about it! I don't know what to do. I love him, I do. But I don't respect him, and I dont trust him. And what does love mean without that?

Tam-I-Am

09-07-2010, 22:21

Sounds to me like you have your answers :hugs: You sounds like an incredibly intelligent, with-it woman who knows what she needs to do - it's not okay for your kids to be brought up in that environment where there's no trust and there's no respect. It's not okay for them to be seeing that and thinking it's normal, that's just how relationships are.

And it's not okay for you either. You deserve happiness, love, and respect. Not a user telling you lies and breaking promises to you.

I hope you find some real support and help, so that you can build up your strength and find your answers - or follow through on the ones you already have:hugs:

delirium

09-07-2010, 22:26

I really think you need to put him out. If he has no where to go that's his problem. If he hadn't constantly lied to you and kept smoking he would not be in this position. Tell him to go move in with his mates, it sounds like he pretty much lives there anyway?

If he refuses to move, I would not renew the lease (are you renting) and move, without him. Tell him he is not welcome in the new house.

People can change, but only if they want to. Sorry to hear things are so bad for you :hugs::hugs:

ibb

09-07-2010, 22:30

Sorry to hear the horrible mess you are in. You do sound like you know what you have to do to be happy and have a safe environment for your kids to grow up in. It's a hard decision.

I am in marriage counselling myself but not for anywhere near what you are going through and i was told by a community nurse that if my dh refused to leave i could ask the police to remove him. Not sure if its entirely true but i guess you could ask about it.

I hope you work it out and big hugs to you :hugs:

DaughteroftheForest

10-07-2010, 00:19

Thank you for your replys. They've really helped. You're all right, of course. Something has to give and it can't be me this time. I've given enough.

I know it's the end because the obsessive cleaning has begun. I did the same thing when I broke up with DS's father. my life was a mess but my house had never been so clean.

sndgroper

10-07-2010, 00:27

Good on you, you sound like a very strong woman who'd survive just fine without someone like that pulling you down. :)

10-07-2010, 03:37

If I were you I would insist he leave so you and your children are not in a toxic environment.

The chances of him giving up the dope without probably a residential drug program seem very slim given the amount of times he has promised and not done so. (He obviously doesn't want to quit, he just wants to tell you what you want to hear)

It's not your job to be there for him while he makes these half ar$ed attempts, you deserve to be living a full wonderful life without resentment, regrets and anger.

:hugs: Take care.

Amara

10-07-2010, 07:52

Living under the same roof is meant to be a temporary measure until one of you moves out. Generally it does not work too well.

Clearly he has not changed so you are still putting up with his behaviour. One of you needs to move. Do it before the psych issues start. Everyone I know who was a regular pot user has psych issues of some sort now, some years after stopping it.

DaughteroftheForest

10-07-2010, 12:13

We do live in a rental and our lease is up on the 21st. We've been offered a renewal and I want to take it. I have absolutely no desire to uproot my ids and my life and move house. Coupled with the fact that my son is starting primary school on the SAME bloody street that we live on, and due to a clever little clause in my parenting orders, I'm not allowed to move out of the inner city area, as I have to keep my son in the same school and I have no transport. *Sigh*
So I moved furniture. Poo-head came home at 12:30 this morning to find me moving a bookcase from one side of the study to the other, just because. And the living room unusually clean. And me, unusually calm. I just don't care anymore. He told me the other day "if you leave me, I won't quit' and I retorted 'If I stay, you won't quit either!'.
So there it is. I have no control over his actions. If he quits, if he doesn't quit. That is no longer my problem. Getting him out of MY house is.
I know that I can do it. He has no job and is living on newstart $400 f/n, which doesn't cover much more than a weeks rent here. My brother has just moved into our upstairs bedroom, and he works in security (which I could use a little more of!!) so with rent from him I know I can afford it. It just means calling my land agent, explaining the situation and renewing the lease in my name only. Which I don't want to do. I can't even really understand why I don't want to do it. I talk about history repeating itself, last night, between scrubbing the bathroom and re-stacking books, I realised that I broke up with my ex just before my sons second birthday. I remember thinking to myself 'but shouldn't i wait until after his birthday?' and that exact thought went through my head again. My son's birthday is next weekend, I've planned a massive pirate party for him and he's so excited and Poo-head is a big part of the plan. Whatever, I'll figure something out.

SuperGranny

10-07-2010, 14:43

hi dragonflybreath, Sorry you are going through this. I just want to offer you support. He wont change, so dont wait around. Move forward, make the changes to the lease, get your brother to help with the rent payments. You are already making plans and that is good. Just dont waste any time on this drug addict, he will only change when he wants to. :hugs: Marie.

Bubmum

10-07-2010, 14:54

I just wanted to say good luck with things. You sound like you have most of it worked out, and yes, you are far better off not living with a drug addict. Addiction is terrible, it affects everyone, and the addicted cannot see that.

DaughteroftheForest

10-07-2010, 21:54

Interesting turn of events. I was on the phone to my dad this morning and poo-face was hovering. Eventually he wandered off. I got off the phone and came into my room where my computer is and he was sitting on my bed. he'd been on my comp playing some online game bu he seemed all twitchy and distant and left really quickly. After he left I fed DD and pulled up my internet screen. Turns out I'd left this screen up and I'm thinking he's read the whole thing. That at least would explain why he hasn't been home since then.
I'm not really bothered about it though, there's nothing written here that I haven't said to his face at least once. Maybe it means more if it's wriiten down? Who knows.

delirium

10-07-2010, 21:59

Ya know, it may have been a blessing. Not only for him to see your frank feelings towards the relationship but to see other women's responses to the situation.

He can either sulk or look at this reflectively. Like you said, you can't control his actions. The choices he takes are entirely on him.

crazymuma

10-07-2010, 22:05

I went through this and more with my ex but eventually left as he just couldn't/wouldn't kick the habit (and others) for good. I stood by him while he did a 3 month stint in rehab and he was clean for a few months after that but soon started smoking again - I don't think it worked as I wanted him to quit - he was only trying for me, it wasn't what he actually wanted for himself.

In a sense I still believe I am at fault a little - simple fact is I never wanted a man that did drugs but I hooked up with one - I often wonder if it was selfish and wrong of me to then demand he quit it??

I think you really have 2 choices - either give him a chance to get clean (rehab if necessary to show you how dedicated he is and to get the help he needs) or for you to either leave the house or kick him out - maybe the harsh reality of losing his family will wake him up - if not then you are better off without him.

mummabec

10-07-2010, 22:08

:hugs::hugs:

probably a good thing he read it! I would take more notice if someone had taken the time to write something down online. It's just more effort than a niggly little problem would warrant.

You sound really strong, and have obviously got it figured. I get how hard addiction is I tried to get my sister out of it for years but like other have said only he can break that cycle.

Stay strong. :hugs:

nat278

10-07-2010, 22:22

Congrats for breaking the cycle for your kids giving them a life knowing they don't have to accept this behaviour...

I wish you luck and all the best for your future!

DaughteroftheForest

10-07-2010, 22:51

Bubmum

10-07-2010, 22:56

Ha ha ha... Pmsl at poo head. Too funny! I totally get the whole comments on people's claims of dependency . You give up when you can see beyond yourself. I shudder when I think of what I put my family through for all my years of drug addiction. A body without a person there.. Just a vacant and unhappy self-absorbed shell.

*babygirl*

11-07-2010, 00:23

This fight I believe is the hardest fight :( DP and I struggle occasionally with drugs. (pills) but things are a million times better than they were at the worst point. It's so hard because the person I met 6 years ago had never touched them, I watched him do the damage and it tears at my soul. He also has an issue with alcohol caused by severe depression that came on because he was being abused at work physically by his boss and workmates :( which saw him plummet to his lowest ever. But he loves me and DD and he wants to be there for us mentally and physically and nine days out of ten we find the right balance. But that one day that the other side wins out it's hard not to be dissapointed! (he hasn't had a pill in about two months) and I'm so so hard on him. But he understands WHY!! Addiction is such a hard thing to live with, we both quit smoking but in a society where drinking is pretty much the biggest socially acceptable passtime it's hard for anyone to see it as a life threatening and destructive addiction. For those that don't have a dependence or addiction alcohol is tollerable. But for others it is so avaliable and glorified it's hard to make people see it's the problem. Sorry for my rant, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the heartbreak :(

my experience with pot though is that it destroys so many lives and I've lost so many great people to this drug. It is their best friend and they can't get out of the haze long enough to realise that they aren't ACTUALLY living :( it pains me that your children are losing their father. I really feel for you. I hope he realises what he is about to lose before it is too late :( if it isn't already!

11-07-2010, 07:21

It's funny how you've mentioned cycles, as I see alot of that in this situation. My parents were hippies back in the day, and taking drugs was part of the culture for most. They both partook quite heavily, but when they settled down to have kids my mum quit cold turkey and never looked back and my dad (who I have been on and off with all my life, but now have the most amazing r/ship with) has continued on to be a life long user. Both my older brothers smoked, one of them to huge personal and familial detriment. I, myself used to smoke all day every day for about 2 years. But a month before I fell pregnant with DS (and probably the reason WHY I fell pregnant with DS) I quit as it was starting to affect my mental health and I have never looked back. I did the same thing with cigarettes when I found out I was pregnant with DD, I quit then and there and haven't had a cigarette since. Poo-head says that I can't have been truly addicted to have been able to quit that easily, which is such a load of BS. I just had the greatest motivational tool in the world - my kids - to keep me focused. And I can't understand why it isn't the same for him, let alone respect him for it.

I can totally relate. My parents were hippes (apparently I was concieved on an acid trip :rolleyes: ) and same as yours, my mum gave up the drugs, but my dad didn't for a long time, and he was an alcoholic. Anyway, as an 18 year old I ended up in rehab myself, and it was the saving of me. I've never abused alcohol or drugs since, but sadly my brother didn't come out unscathed, because of the amount of drug use we all witnessed as children, I guess it was normalised for him, and he became a speed freak, he was doing it for over 10 years, hiding it from everyone, nearly OD'ed twice and lied about why he was in hospital etc.
He is clean now thank goodness, but yeah, it's all taken its toll on our family, and I of course got together with someone who smoked dope and drank, and in more recent years got further into speed use with his job (trucking) and that was one of the reasons we split, i did not want my children growing up in a drug culture the way I did.

Yes. The cycle definitely repeats unless someone takes very strong steps to try to absolutely minimise the chances of it happening again... :hugs:

Take care lovely, it's not easy, but it is worth it.

tiredof4

11-07-2010, 08:47

I have just read your post and want to give you some :hugs::hugs:.

I understand were you are coming from. My DH was smoking cigs at the time and was going though 7 packets a week and was drinking like a fish. I tried for years for him to give up or cut back. This has been going on for 9 years...I thought that once he got a full time job he would change but no he didnt.It didnt help that DSD would incourage him as well....We had aruge over it all the time and i was getting to the stage that i hated him so much that i would sleep on the couch as i couldnt put up with the smell of it all.I wouldnt let him smoke inside....Late last year DH had taking sick and had to have heaps of test and found out that he had early stages of bowel cancer and he had to go to hospital to be operated on and was in hospital for a week and his dr told him if he gave up smoking it would be better for him and the changes that the cancer wouldnt grow back..Well it has been 6 1/2 months sence then and he hasnt had a smoke and has cut right back on his beer and well..He only has 12 cans of beer of a weekend now as well...I think the scare gave DH a fright..I thought that he would talk it back up when we went lost our baby to stillborn and that was 2 weeks after his operation but no he didnt and now we not argue either...I am so much happier and he has said how much haapier his and how much more money he has each week...DSD has been made to stay away from our house as she was trying to get him smoking again and drinking...

Sorry for the :ecomcity::ecomcity:. But just wanting you to know that he can do it if he really wants to. My DH has been like this sence he was 15 years old and now he is 54 years old.

Amara

11-07-2010, 09:04

I think its good that he saw what you wrote. He will also have seen what we wrote. That can only be a good thing. Renew the lease in your name then chuck him out. I had to chuck my ex out and it was incredibly hard to do as he was abusive but I had to do it for myself and for our son. The ex still annoys me but at least he is no longer living under my roof.

DaughteroftheForest

11-07-2010, 13:05

Grrrr, had a rotten nights sleep. I was up until 1, totally wired on cola, greys anatomy and stress. Poo-head came back at 12:30 and acted like nothing had happened - no surprises there - and then left again because I reiterated that he had to sleep upstairs. I woke up later to find him snuggling into bed next to me and yelled out 'No, no, no!" and he thought I was having a nightmare. Roflmao! In a way I guess he's right, isn't a nightmare supposed to be your greatest fear realised? My greatest fear has, and always has been, being alone. Which is really funny cos if I look closely at my life and my r/ships, I've always been going it alone. I had to take care of my brother when he went off the deep end cos my parents were fighting too much, or stressing too much to deal with it. I had to raise my son on my own cos his dad had crippling depression and some kind of invisible bugs that made his skin itch (such a long, stupid story there!) Even my last r/ship, before poo-head was me doing it alone. The guy I was with had a motorbike accident three months into our r/ship and due to alot of other drama I was the only one in his life equipped to take care of him. So I literally nursed him back to health and continued raising my little boy on my own. *sigh* I really shouldn't reminise (sp?) it's so depressing.

AM, it's sounds like you and I have more than alot in comman!
And thank you to all of you for your support and words of wisdom. It's helping so much just being able to spill my guts to people who understand what its like. Big :hugs: to all of you.

DaughteroftheForest

11-07-2010, 16:29

11-07-2010, 17:32

Gee. That's a good start, but remember the important people in your life are yourself, and your children, and he's going to need to PROVE without a doubt that he is worthy to be in your life, ie - that he will be CONTRIBUTING to your happiness, quality of life, peace, and contentment, rather than dragging you down.

Stay strong, and acknowledge that he's on the right track, but don't let yourself be sucked in too soon (not saying you will be) 'cos addicts are MASTER manipulators!!!!!

Make him work for what he wants....

Take care. :hugs:

MimiGrace

11-07-2010, 17:40

Well well well, Mr. Poo-Head Esq. has decided that he will be going into rehab for a week or so, and if he smokes after he comes out than he will find somewhere else to live.
I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm planning a birthday party and I'm going away for a few days up the coast with my mum and the kidlets.
His choices are his choices and my choices are my own. If I allow him to effect me in positive ways I also allow him to effect me negatively.
I'm trying to be very zen about all this. Not sure if I'm pulling it off though...
no advice from me (just lots of hugs) :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
but you ever need anything - give me a shout! even if its just to have me come down so you can vent and rant out loud :hugs: or get a hug from a friend.

take care of yourself! and hopefully poo-head will finally start taking you seriously. :-[

delirium

11-07-2010, 18:30

That's excellent news, I hope to he stays clean and move on with his life. What was his mood when telling you this? Was he kind of calm and resolute or sullen and pouting?

mummykitty

12-07-2010, 05:36

:hugs::hugs:hope it improves soon hon sending much love and if you need to get away for a bit give me a yell you guys are always welcome here :) pets and all :P

DaughteroftheForest

12-07-2010, 10:10

delirium

12-07-2010, 20:26

I think sometimes men tune out to our 'nagging' but when they get someone elses perspective they take notice. Especially other women saying throw him out ;)

The conversational tone is more encouraging that a sulking one. I can't tell you if he will stick to it or not, but at least you know you have given it your all.

Please keep us updated :)

13-07-2010, 08:00

He was...kinda conversational about it, like he was telling me that he wasgoing to put cheese on the pizza he was making at the time :rolleyes:
But we'll see how it goes. He did read this, and thats supposedly what jumpstarted him. That bothers me though, all the times i so desperately needed to talk to him about this and reading an online rant was the only thing that would wake him up? Hmph. There's alot to work through here, and honestly I don't know if he's that invested. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl and if he thinks I'm going to be doing cartwheels cos he's FINALLY decided to grow a pair, then he's in for some unpleasent sensations.:devil:

It is my belief that people like this are 'OK' with their behaviour as long as it is 'kept private business' and pretty much hidden from public scrutiny. As soon as too many people know about it, and start to unbiasedly pull them up on what they know deep down is really crappy unacceptable behaviour, then sometimes the 'shame' feelings of having the world know the truth mean they cannot hide behind 'keeping it behind closed doors' anymore, and it 'can' force people to wake up and be a bit honest, or at least, start a pretence of doing something about it, so they can look goo again in the public eye.

Can you tell I've been around too many addicts, and don't really trust them while they are using?? I :smiliedance: when they do finally overcome the addiction though....

The difference is, he has to want to get clean because HE wants to, not because he percieves that you are nagging him to... suxs, but seems to be the way.

Take care.

DaughteroftheForest

14-07-2010, 21:13

Ok, so I went away with my mum for two nights. She's just bought a house by the beach and she offered for us to go stay with her for a bit but between acces with my son and his father and the prep for his upcoming birthday we could only manage the two nights and I decided to go solo with the kids and leave Poo-head to stew in it without us for a bit. He asked last minute if he could come, but my mum told him there wasn't enough room in the car. You should've seen the look on his face when he found out that her pet rats had gotten the last seat! :laughing:
I had a great time. My mum took DS for a day and I went shopping with DD (a much more pleasant shopping companion than DS, bless his little cotton socks. He's a minor (or major!) disater waiting to happen). We walked on the beach, had fish and chips, cuddled upin front of the fire at night and played with her old Rottie, Floyd. So-Much-Fun!
And I had a great day today. Mum and I went op-shopping, had a lovely lunch with the kidlets and we dropped off DS with his dad for access. When DD and I got home I was actually happy to see Poo-head, I'd missed him. We had dinner at his mums around the corner and came home, all ready to settle in and watch some Grays anatomy together (there was verbal agreement to this effect, DD was witness!) Things were good between us, we talked about him going into rehab, and the party prep and looked at all the stuff I'd bought. We were joking and mucking around and playing with DD And then one of his mates comes over and asks if Poo-head wants to go out and see a movie (just poo-head, mind you. Not his baggage + baby) and poo-head says no, he doesn't have the money. And I'm all over the moon inside cos I think he's turned down a night with his mates to stay home with DD and I. Then after he leaves, poo-head (P.H from now on!) starts bugging me, asking if I've got $5 so he can go!! :hair: So I just dumped the contents of my wallet on the table (not much there cos I had been indulging in ALOT of retail therapy) and told him to Have at it then went into my room to get DD to sleep. He came in and aked if I was angry, I said No. (not untrue, I was Hurt) and then he says 'I want to go to the movie but I don't want you to be ****ed with me' and I just glanced up from my computer, then he starts trying to kiss me and I turn away so he gets all ****y and leaves :banghead:. I am so freaking annoyed right now! More at myself than at him. I was really looking forward to spending the evening in with him. I'm an idiot for thinking, just this once, he'd choose his family over having fun with his friends. Whatever. This is so f*cking pathetic.

DaughteroftheForest

20-07-2010, 09:57

I'm in tears. It's DsS's first day of primary school today. I should be in tears for a very different reason.
We just dropped him off, and it was great. The last few days have been great. We had his birthday, Poo-head was fantastic. We've been so excited about DS going to school. So we drop him off this morning and on the way home he stops at his mates place on the corner to share a cigarette and I continue on home with DD. A few minutes later Poo-Head comes home REEKING of weed. He's been smoking, before nine thirty in the morning on MY SONS FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. I just cracked it and demanded he leave, which he has. Seriously considering getting the locks changed now. A$$ hole.

MummaFug

20-07-2010, 10:04

:hugs: Oh Hun, No one deserves this.

Take some time and have a good think. He really needs to change his ways - Its not on..

Sending you lots of :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

mummykitty

21-07-2010, 09:03

:hugs::hugs: so sorry to hear that hon

danni3

21-07-2010, 09:43

just read through this whole thread, no advice just some hugs for you :hugs: your a strong woman and you will do whats right for you and your lovely littlies.

Take Care hunni :hugs:

nat278

21-07-2010, 09:55

Change the locks and say see ya later he is showing you time and again he is not going to change!

DaughteroftheForest

10-08-2010, 16:32

In desperate need of a vent...
So after my last post Poo-Head did go into detox. He was in there 4 days and came out one day early. I actually missed him while he was gone. But I didn't miss the constant tension in the house, or the downward spiral I would get into when I smelt weed on his breath. I had a very peaceful few days. It was such a relief that he was doing *something*. I was tentatively hopeful. Plus, he had told me that if he came out of detox and kept smoking, he would find somewhere else to live.
So he came out. and I was all ready to welcome him back into our home (and my bed). I was ready to support and help where I could. But he had other plans. We had a long talk, in which he told me how much he resented me for demanding he change - his words, not mine - He told me that he wasn't ready to quit, he'd rather move out, he was only 24 that if *I* really loved him, I wouldn't want to change him. If *I* wasn't so unreasonable, I'd compromise. Like, what if he only smoked once every week? That would be fair, right?
He told me about his friend, who lives round the corner. When his wife found out that P>H was going into detox she told his friend that she thought he had a drinking problem and should go to AA. His friend told his wife to 'get f*cked, love me as I am or leave me!". P>H told me this with admiration in his voice, like he wished he'd had the balls to say the same thing to me in the beginning. He told me he's sorry that he promised he'd quit. he believes that if he hadn't made that promise that everything would be fine between us now.

I *gently* reminded him that if he hadn't made that promise to me, our beautiful baby girl would not exist.

This was a few weeks ago and even as i write this I want to scream. He's living in the spare room upstairs atm. I've told him that's it's more than over between us, that i don't care what he does anymore, as long as he does it far away from me and the kids. He's been given his marching orders. The final straw was when he stole my diary. I'd been writing in it for a few days, sine he'd started detox, just jotting down feelings as they came and thoughts on different he things. he stole it from my desk and bolted himself in the bathroom to read it. He then had the nerve to want to talk to me about what he'd read. I could barely speak to him, I was so angry. And of course, he told me he was sorry, he couldn't help it. He wanted so much to know what was going on inside my head. I told him that what he did was the emotional equivalent of rape. Abit too harsh maybe, but it's how it felt to me.

This morning he told me that he doesn't think that him moving out is 'best for the kids' -- SOMEONE GET ME A BUCKET!!!!!!! :barf: -- This was after he offered to take my son to school at 8:45am and then came home stoned at 9am. I am so f*cking frustrated I feel like my head is about to explode. Nothing I say gets through to him. If I ever calm down enough to really talk to me, he's either stoned or 'not ready' to talk about it. I spoke briefly with my mum today. She's a social worker so i wanted her opinion on what would be best for the kids. She's of the same opinion, get him out.
If something doesn't happen soon I'm going to draw a big bulls eye on my wall with permanent marker and either bang his head or mine against it. :hair:

nat278

10-08-2010, 16:42

I am sorry he is putting you through this you need to pack his bags while he is out put them on the curb (or in the bin... Hehe) and change the locks he doesn't have the right to treat you or the kids like door mats!

Actually, just thought drop his bags at his mates place around the corner, leave him a message pinned to bag saying "if you think smoking pot here is more important than your family then live with him cause your not welcome in MY home"

missymoo9

02-12-2010, 00:34

Read through the whole thread a few months ago but never posted. Whats the latest hun?

DaughteroftheForest

22-12-2010, 23:42

This thread details what happened next:

http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=364750