SH question *possibly distressing*

[mummawithaquestion]

this probably isn't quite the right section, but i'm not sure where else to put it.

i am a regular member, just for possible judgemental reasons, i'm being anonymous at this time.

when i was younger (mid-teenage years) i self harmed. it was pretty bad. not like stereotypical self harming little scratches (you know, that idea of 'emo' and all that) but serious stitch-requiring, badly scarring self harm. to the point of words and whatnot. mostly on my upper thighs, but also elsewhere.

i'm not an active self harmer anymore, i try to be very careful about when i get angry/frustrated, trying to ensure i don't do anything painful. i don't want to go back there.

but i'm still scarred. one leg looks more like stretchmarks (which i also have) but the other has the words, so it's pretty obvious and they are about as healed as they are gonna get, they'll fade a bit more but due to the severity, i think they'll always be there, and be readable.

how to i explain to my DS? he's only little at the moment, but i don't want him to be brought up like me and have nakedness as bad. i want him to be able to be open about his body, and that means being open about mine. so that means he'll see.
how do you tell a small child that once, mummy despised herself soooo much, that she ripped into herself with razor blades? i know that's a bit vulgar but that is honestly what it is.
i don't want him to be like me! i want him to be able to love himself. have confidence in himself. not to hate himself.

i honestly don't know what to do, or where to go. so i'm here. if anyone has any advice?

sorry about the ramble.

[august]

Could you just tell him that you did something really silly once as a teenager and you tried to give yourself a tattoo ???? and tell him that it hurt really bad and left a horrible scar.

[made2bAmummy]

Firstly well done for getting on with your life and turning it in to a positive and being so loving toward your DS. I don't think your kids need to know this kind of thing until they are older or experiencing similar issues themselves, it was in the past, it can stay in the past.
I would tell him that you ran in to a sign for a shop at a market and it was metal and it cut in to you, or that you went to sleep one day at somebodys house and when you woke up there were words on you and its a mystery as to how they got there.
He doesn't need to know that someone can feel that bad yet, and that the person he loves most in the world felt that way - he won't understand it and it will make him sad too. Until he is older.

Hugs.

[Bellaxo]

First off - good on you for getting from where you were to where you are now :)

I was a self harmer too, by mine are on my forearms, i'm embarrassed by it now as an adult, they aren't really too bad, but maybe i feel like they are more noticable then they are.

I've also struggled with the idea on what to tell DD when she is out and starts asking questions - i know when she's older it can turn into a positive, I can tell her i know how it feels to suffer from depression and that self harming is not the way to deal with it, and have the proof to show her, but if she asks when she's little i have no idea what to say so i'll be watching this thread too - i don't like the idea of lying to her as a young one, then telling her the truth as she gets older kwim?

[mummawithaquestion]

thanks everyone. it means alot.


i don't like the idea of lying to her as a young one, then telling her the truth as she gets older kwim?

i agree with this, which is where i'm stuggling.

and, i can't think of a single decent lie which will cover the fact that i have words enscribed all over my leg. the other ideas would have worked had it been one word perhaps, but i have many, sadly.
most of them could be explained away by an accident. cept the words. talented aren't i? :rolleyes:

they have been refered to as battle scars, maybe i'll just say something along those lines..

when he's older, i will use it as a positive, i mean, that's kinda how it is, it's something i've survived. and now i'm stronger for it.

thanks again.

[3'llhavetodo]

:hugs::hugs:I hope you have a good supportnetwork set up to help you through the not so nice times.

I'd wait til he asks. I'm a big believer in telling the truth, but giving them as little info as possible until they are old enough to understand. And also finding out what they know/think beforehand..this will help give you a guide to what and how much to tell them.

ps I couldn't see the picture.

[mummawithaquestion]

i've no idea what the image was! deleted now, thanks :) for that and the comment. that's what i want to do.

[chicken and eggs mum]

I am in the same boat as you and it really does terrify me as to when and what DD is going to ask....

I too have words and wonder how/when/if I explain them.

I think you are on the right track in saying they are battle scars - but now you know better ways of coping with stress. I think you are also right in saying that it will possibly open up a lot of discussions between you and DS.

The main thing I am worried about and I have heard it from people in other forums is that their children, once older, come back with "if its ok for you, its ok for me" - something to think about too and how you would deal with this.

I think I would only answer questions if he asks and make them age appropriate....

Good on you for getting to where you are today - big hugs.

Em
xxx

[3'llhavetodo]

The main thing I am worried about and I have heard it from people in other forums is that their children, once older, come back with "if its ok for you, its ok for me" - something to think about too and how you would deal with this.



When you are discussing it as your child grows up try to include the consequences of your actions. As I wrote before I think children should have their questions answered honestly but without offering too much information that they aren't going to be able to process.

I self harmed by biting myself and doing drugs...a lot of drugs. This hasn't left any scars to explain but I have no intention of lying to the kids if topics are ever brought up. I'll try to explain why I did what I did, the consequences and how hard it was to stop.

[RipperRita]

this is probably the most ridiculous thing to say and i prob have no idea but can you see a doctor and get them "fixed" for want of a better word or removed so that the words are not so obvious. Maybe even a tattoo over the top that signifies how far you've come... something that means something to you. ??

[mummawithaquestion]

"if its ok for you, its ok for me"

that does terrify me, so i'm going to try and be very careful about how i say it. i got that push to start because my boyfriend did it. a couple of scratches for him, off the deep end for me :rolleyes:
i'm also scared because both my side of the family, and his father's side of the family have strong addiction issues.
i'm trying, and i promise always to try, but i don't know if it's going to be enough.



this is probably the most ridiculous thing to say and i prob have no idea but can you see a doctor and get them "fixed" for want of a better word or removed so that the words are not so obvious. Maybe even a tattoo over the top that signifies how far you've come... something that means something to you. ??

not ridiculous but impossible for me. i'm not sure about the doctor one, maybe a skin graft would work? but i don't have the money. and same with the tattoo, it would have to be enormous to cover them, meaning expense and serious pain. stupid as it sounds, i don't think i could deal with that much pain now. plus, with this amount of scarring there may be an issue with the ink.
and i'm not ashamed of them either. so i'm not sure if i would cover them even if i had the option.

[chicken and eggs mum]

that does terrify me, so i'm going to try and be very careful about how i say it. i got that push to start because my boyfriend did it. a couple of scratches for him, off the deep end for me :rolleyes:
i'm also scared because both my side of the family, and his father's side of the family have strong addiction issues.
i'm trying, and i promise always to try, but i don't know if it's going to be enough.


you can only do what you can do. ultimately any child is going to make their own decisions anyway once they reach a certain age. you can only lead them down the right path and give them all the advice and guidance you can.

I am sure because you are aware of your own issues and that of your families that it will only make you more determined to ensure that you give him teh best start to life you can.

[3'llhavetodo]

i'm also scared because both my side of the family, and his father's side of the family have strong addiction issues.

At least you have recognised this fact, been through it yourself and might be able to recognise stuff that might lead to abuse, either addiction or...

Sorry that was muddled I hope it kinda made sense.

[Nimrodel]

This is something I have thought about as well. I have some scars on my inner forearm (as does DP) and worse ones on my thigh - thankfully the words were not as deep and you can only see them in certain light. I know how I will talk to my kids about it when they are older but when they are young??? One line I have thought of that might work is "When mummy was younger she was very sad and hurt so much inside that even crying didnt help and so she tried to let the hurt out by making herself bleed little red tears" but of course, it didnt work!!!! I dunno, would that make any sense to a young child? Hell, does it make sense to anyone other than me? I would also go on to explain that my brain didnt work properly and that is what made me so sad (but now I have happy pills that make eeeeverything ok :D hehe)

[Shh]

I would explain it in an age appropriate way and go into more detail as your children get older. A simple "mummy hurt herself when she was young" may satisfy a younger child, but I think you're very brave and I think it is useful to teach your child about your experience.

[RoarsomeMum]

I just told the truth.. Mummy Hurt herself. and she went, "oh, You all better now?" and I went, Yep Mate, I get better and better everyday. :goodvibes:

I figure she has all but forgotten, and the deeper conversations (if need be) can be done when/If she asks again and is old enough and mature enough.

Congratulations on Stopping the cycle! that's an Awesome achievement and a wonderful gift for your DS. :thumbsup::hugs:

[soon to be mum of 4]

My husband has brandings, something he did proudly as a university student for a sorority he was in, he unlike you did it just the same as someone getting a tattoo would, and he does not regret them, but it has left scars after all brandings are burns so they heal the same way. He explained them to the kids as his "tattoos", of course we don't know what words you have written so I am not sure if this is something you can explain to kids in a similar manner, perhaps until they can read? eveyone has something from the past they aren't proud of, I guess for you the only difference is that its visable so perhaps when they are much older you can explain it like that.
I'd like to just say good for you for being so strong, and don't be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed of xxx

[Entropy]

I agree with all that has been said above. Start off with age appropriate explanations and then expand as they get older. Never lie though.

When they ask, I hope to be strong enough to say that Mummy did that to herself, cause she was so sad that she thought it would make her feel better. But it didn't. Try and explain to them about other ways of coping with hurt/depression...

I hope that if they feel the same way as I did, that we would have a close enough relationship they could come and talk to me about it - knowing that I once felt the same way.

[mummawithaquestion]

I just told the truth.. Mummy Hurt herself. and she went, "oh, You all better now?" and I went, Yep Mate, I get better and better everyday. :goodvibes:

I figure she has all but forgotten, and the deeper conversations (if need be) can be done when/If she asks again and is old enough and mature enough.

Congratulations on Stopping the cycle! that's an Awesome achievement and a wonderful gift for your DS. :thumbsup::hugs:

thank you for this :hugs:

it's good to know how you handled it, and that it went okay


He explained them to the kids as his "tattoos", of course we don't know what words you have written so I am not sure if this is something you can explain to kids in a similar manner, perhaps until they can read?

There's a rather large, deep 'hate' along with a selection of other smaller words around it. I guess it would be something he would have to be able to read.

I guess cross that bridge when it arrives? but thank you, everyone, for all the ideas of how to handle this, and all your support :hugs:

[Izy]

I would want to treat it like tattoos.

You could explain that sometimes people draw pictures or write stories and words to show the world how they're feeling.

Some people feel so strongly about things as adults that they want to show the world forever, so they use a special ink, or make other marks on their skin.

It's only for adults though.

Then later on when DS is older you can expand on the 'feeling so strongly' etc

[mummawithaquestion]

hmm, i was only 16 though ;)

that's a good point though. it is, in a way, a more positive way of approaching it, isn't it.

[RoarsomeMum]

I was really surprised about how little notice DD takes of my Scars at all. Like I said, She asked once and then seemed fine with the answer and has not shown any further interest.

She also does not care about my many Tattoo's either and has never asked about them!

. - Also, was thinking, Do you have any other scars?

I think I am more likely (if she asks again before she is an adult) to explain that some "Owies" leave scars. I have millions of scars and so does her Dad so we can show her how scar tissue forms. She has a minor scar on her forehead from where she split it when she was 1, I can show her that too, to explain it is scarring. (I figure the why's of how I scarred are not all that interesting to her yet and may not even be later!)

It's tricky, trying to find a balance.. I want to be honest, but I also don't want to burden her with my past..

Thanks for starting this thread.. It's something we all worry about and rarely talk about. :hugs:

[TammyandKaterinaSkye]

I used to self-harm as a teenager too... except mine arent visible unless you know what you are looking for.

When I was 16 my best friend committed suicide and I didnt know how to deal with what was essentially the first death of someone close I had ever experienced.

I spiralled into depression and used to carve his name onto my forearm with broken slivers of glass....
Not my proudest moment, however at the time it was the only way I knew how to deal with the grief and the experience as a whole, especially considering the nature of his death.

If you knew about it, you could see it, if not, i doubt anyone would notice. However, my DD is very explorative, and I worry one day she will ask me why mummy has funny lines and words on her arm, and noone else does.

I figure that depending on her age, if she is old enough to understand I would tell her that I did some very silly things to my arm when I was younger, and leave it at that. If she seeks elaboration I would simply explain to her that it is too hard to explain right now but that when she is a little older we can sit down and talk about it.

I dont believe lying would help the situation, as I am a firm believer that you need to respect people and be honest, no matter how old or young they are. This way it's only limiting the information so as to avoid upsetting her, but once she is older I will definitely talk to her about it, because I wouldnt want her to feel as alone and sad as I did, to repeat the same pattern as me. I would rather she felt comfortable to talk to me about it. And the only way to achieve that is if I am comfortable to talk to HER about my experience.

Dont feel alone, it certainly more common than people make it out to seem. :hugs: