If a good friend was unable to attend your wedding, how would you feel?

[MummaBear03]

This has happened to me a few times.

One situation:
A young relative sprung a surprise wedding on us at the baby naming ceremony, gave us the dates of the ceremony after tickets interstate were booked and paid for, were non-refundable, and to change them for and DD would have cost $600 on top of what we'd spent on them already. Without knowing it was a wedding, I really didn't want to spend that much money for a naming day. Of course, by the time I found out it was a wedding we were with relatives in a different state and had no way of getting back! She still doesn't talk to me.

Situation 2:
My bestie gave us just a couple of months notice, was married in Brisbane and said it was child-free. DD was breastfed, I couldn't afford to get to Brisbane and wasn't sure how to go about finding a suitable babysitter in a big city like that when I can't find one up here where I'm living. She was understanding, she has 4 kids and had 3 at the time, now has a 5th on the way so she knew that it would be hard for most people to get there, and even harder for those with kids and thought it was dumb that her hubby wanted no kids except their own kids who were party of the bridal party.

Situation 3:
Friend in town was getting married. DD was a baby and was breastfed and again they said no kids were allowed to attend except their child who was 9 and junior bridesmaid. She was only allowed at the reception til she had a meal then she was to leave with the babysitter. I told her when she gave out invitations that I'm sure it will be a beautiful wedding, and would love to attend, but unfortunately I don't have a babysitter and she was breastfed, never took a bottle, so she could only be left for about 2 hours at the very most even if I did have a babysitter. I was sad about missing out and said I would try to find one, but don't count on me being there because babysitters are hard to come by. DD turns 7 soon and this girl has not spoken to me since. I work on and off with her sister and apparently she still says nasty things about me and about how I wasn't even bothered with finding a babysitter just for that one night.

Next situation:
A workmate was getting married, gave us notice 5 weeks beforehand and I was on holidays at the time and we were heading to the Gold Coast. Train tickets were booked and paid for. Accommodation booked and paid for. I told her that the dates clashed with our holidays and we were away for that time. She bad mouthed me and treated me so badly, spoke all nasty to my DD who was 2 at the time, until I left that workplace because of the nasty, bitter way I was being treated over not changing plans. I didn't even like her anyway so why she invited me is a mystery in itself, it's not like I would have invited her to anything of mine!


So do you get upset and hold a grudge against people who are unable to attend your wedding? What's a reasonable excuse for not attending?

[rainbow road]

I think not being able afford flights, not being able to find a babysitter or a breastfed baby not taking a bottle are all acceptable reasons for not being able to attend a wedding. My opinion is:

- If you spring a surprise wedding on people, not everyone will be able to attend and that should be expected. Lots of people have to budget for months to attend an interstate wedding so expecting someone to be able to rearrange work, be able to afford to fly up and down and find a suitable babysitter with short notice is unreasonable.

- If you state no kids, then that is completely fine, and your prerogative, but don't get upset if people with children can't attend because they can't find a babysitter or their breastfed baby won't take a bottle etc

- It's your wedding so of course you should do things your way. But if you really want someone there and they can't, then maybe you could make an allowance (like allowing the breastfed baby to come along as an exception). If you don't wish to make that allowance, completely fine, but don't b!tch about them not coming 7 years later.

Personally, I think some people get way to precious about their weddings and take things way too personally. Me, if I really wanted someone their on my day I would A) give everyone sufficient notice of the wedding, ESPECIALLY if it was interstate/overseas etc. B) be prepared to make allowances if babysitters etc couldn't be arranged

For a family friend's wedding, they said no children at the ceremony or reception but if you couldn't find a babysitter, with sufficient notice they could organise a creche-lke thing. That was me :D I looked after 3 little ones during the ceremony (2 breastfed bubs, one toddler whose parents couldn't find a sitter) and during the reception looked after the toddler in the parents hotel room (the babies went to the ceremony in their prams).

[Sheer Bliss]

A cr@ppy reason to me would be not returning an RSVP.

In the situations you gave they were all perfectly good reasons, so I probably would have been disappointed, but not annoyed. One could have been made simpler for you to attend by allowing your bf baby to attend, so if they weren't willing to change, they can't be annoyed!

I had a friends husband not come to our twins christening because he had to watch paramatta play in the grand final last year. :no: No tickets to the game, but to sit alone in his lounge drinking beer while his wife and child attended the christening. He also claims to be catholic and their wedding was in an Anglican church with a catholic minister present to make sure it complied with catholic marriages. THAT pi55sed me off, so an excuse like that for a wedding would too. Oh, and he would have been able to attend, then get home in time to watch the game, but the grandfinal is an all day event for him. :rolleyes:

[Travdan]

A real friend, or a friend worth having anyway, would understand.

One of my dearest friends isn't able to come to my wedding in August for a few reasons. Would I love her to be there? Absolutely. Am I mad or upset at her because she can't? Absolutely not.

[MummaBear03]

I had a friends husband not come to our twins christening because he had to watch paramatta play in the grand final last year. :no: No tickets to the game, but to sit alone in his lounge drinking beer while his wife and child attended the christening. He also claims to be catholic and their wedding was in an Anglican church with a catholic minister present to make sure it complied with catholic marriages. THAT pi55sed me off, so an excuse like that for a wedding would too. Oh, and he would have been able to attend, then get home in time to watch the game, but the grandfinal is an all day event for him. :rolleyes:

That's horrible! I'd be upset too and probably hold it against him for a very long time.

[HowCrazyCool]

I would be fine with it if they had a genuine reason. :yes: the world isn't perfect.

But i would expect them to make an effort the next time that they could.
Like we all could go out to tea? or have us over for tea. Maybe chat about how the wedding went, look at photo's.

But of course it is understandable when you don't live close to them, your not about to jump on a plan to have a look at some photo's. But just the next possible time.

[kuddles]

I think not being able afford flights, not being able to find a babysitter or a breastfed baby not taking a bottle are all acceptable reasons for not being able to attend a wedding. My opinion is:

- If you spring a surprise wedding on people, not everyone will be able to attend and that should be expected. Lots of people have to budget for months to attend an interstate wedding so expecting someone to be able to rearrange work, be able to afford to fly up and down and find a suitable babysitter with short notice is unreasonable.

- If you state no kids, then that is completely fine, and your prerogative, but don't get upset if people with children can't attend because they can't find a babysitter or their breastfed baby won't take a bottle etc

- It's your wedding so of course you should do things your way. But if you really want someone there and they can't, then maybe you could make an allowance (like allowing the breastfed baby to come along as an exception). If you don't wish to make that allowance, completely fine, but don't b!tch about them not coming 7 years later.

Personally, I think some people get way to precious about their weddings and take things way too personally. Me, if I really wanted someone their on my day I would A) give everyone sufficient notice of the wedding, ESPECIALLY if it was interstate/overseas etc. B) be prepared to make allowances if babysitters etc couldn't be arranged

For a family friend's wedding, they said no children at the ceremony or reception but if you couldn't find a babysitter, with sufficient notice they could organise a creche-lke thing. That was me :D I looked after 3 little ones during the ceremony (2 breastfed bubs, one toddler whose parents couldn't find a sitter) and during the reception looked after the toddler in the parents hotel room (the babies went to the ceremony in their prams).

:iagree: I couldn't have said it better myself.
I personally would never say children aren't welcome to a wedding. I would be sad if a friend couldn't make mine but understanding especially if it was to do with health, money and/or timing.

[Ana Gram]

Having a prior engagement ;)

[MummaBear03]

the friend who still holds it against me so many years later found out through her sister I went to a cousin's wedding 5 hours away and had a go at me about that. I said we were given almost 12 months notice, I was able to stay with family down there, I was able to share the petrol cost with other family going down, and DD was able to attend as well. She was 1.5 at the time, still breastfed, and they had heaps of kids there anyway and it was a wonderful, family-focused wedding :valentine:

[RmumR]

we just sent our wedding invitations last week so hope i don't have any of this situation in store for us.

we did however not invite some people to the wedding as they didn't come to the engagement party - my cousin and her husband told me they couldn't come as had a dinner for his footy club on and had already pre-paid. no problem we said. then saw her husband a few days later and asked how was your footy dinner he had no idea what we were talking about so i said you know why you couldn't come to the engagement party and he said oh no we had nothing on we got really drunk the night before so we just stayed at home...lovely

[MummaBear03]

Having a prior engagement ;)

Yeah see our interstate trip was booked before our young rellie decided to have the naming day on that particular date, and that's when the wedding was as well when the wedding was meant to be in June, our flights were booked in August last year and she announced it a bit before Christmas so there was no cheap way to change flights at that time. we got cheap flights by booking early.

[Bellini]

I would understand. We had a fall out with DH's brother because they said their wedding was child-free. We didn't have an issue with that (not something I would do, but each to their own), however we didn't know anyone in the city whom we trusted enough to mind DS. It hurt DH's feelings because they had never met our son before and didn't seem eager to at all, but we didn't let that come into it. Turned out they thought we were awful anyway for not coming, and could not comprehend our reason why :rolleyes:

Also, we aren't going to my best friend's wedding this year because it's in Perth and we simply cannot afford plane tickets/accomodation/transport/meals etc etc. Any other year would be fine, but we have had so many expenses this year (including DS's operation) not to mention a loss of income. She said she completely understands - and that's how I think a *real* friend would react.

[Me]

Meh, it's the most special day of my life, not necessarily theirs, so I can't expect people to rearrange their lives and plans for my special day. My beste made the exception of no kids for my kids to attend because she didn't want me to miss out.
A friend didn't turn up to my wedding. Rsvp'd, we sent messages the day before but she just never showed. Sure I was upset at that, because it was a small wedding(30 guests plus ourselves), but you know what, I got over it and we still talk.

[DairyfreeDiva]

I am still struggling with whether I made the right decision earlier this year. I was meant to be a bridesmaid at a friends wedding in adelaide, i live in brisbane. My son was going to be 7 months old and i was 5 months pregnant and she had made every effort to invite my DS along which was wonderful :) I had booked the flights months in advance (non refundable), bought both DP and DS outfits and was all set to go when my DS came down with a flu virusa week before. It turned into an ear infection and I took him to doctor who advised us not to fly with him. I rang my friend very upset and she asked me to leave my DS at home with my DP and come on my own. I just couldnt leave him to travel accross the country for her wedding. I had never ever even left him with anyone overnight before. Only my DP/mum/MIL for a few hours at a time while i went shopping or got my hair done. She was asking me to do something I just wasnt ready to do. She was furious at me and still hasnt spoken to me... iam angry that she couldnt understand why I couldnt come down... Im still not sure who was in the right but at the end of the day leaving DS was not ever going to be an option for me.... just the way iam.

[Amara]

Any reason would be acceptable. Its an invite and everyone has the right to reject it for any reason.

[MummaBear03]

I am still struggling with whether I made the right decision earlier this year. I was meant to be a bridesmaid at a friends wedding in adelaide, i live in brisbane. My son was going to be 7 months old and i was 5 months pregnant and she had made every effort to invite my DS along which was wonderful :) I had booked the flights months in advance (non refundable), bought both DP and DS outfits and was all set to go when my DS came down with a flu virusa week before. It turned into an ear infection and I took him to doctor who advised us not to fly with him. I rang my friend very upset and she asked me to leave my DS at home with my DP and come on my own. I just couldnt leave him to travel accross the country for her wedding. I had never ever even left him with anyone overnight before. Only my DP/mum/MIL for a few hours at a time while i went shopping or got my hair done. She was asking me to do something I just wasnt ready to do. She was furious at me and still hasnt spoken to me... iam angry that she couldnt understand why I couldnt come down... Im still not sure who was in the right but at the end of the day leaving DS was not ever going to be an option for me.... just the way iam.

I think that's a tough situation where there is no right and wrong. Some people are comfortable leaving their babies and others are not. I left DD for 24 hours when she was 6 and went on a plane trip and fretted the entire time! Came home to a trashed house after my brother (20) went stupid while he babysat! I try to block that out now, and it's not something I'd like to do again in a hurry. She was 6 years old at the time! Some people don't understand why other people don't leave them with trusted people. Is she a mum herself? I think those without kids are more likely to think that it's alright to just leave a sick baby with the other parent, without realising that we are driven by a motherly instinct that kicks in even more when something is wrong with our little ones.

From her point of view, it was all booked and ready and set to go then wasn't, and I think maybe she just isn't seeing past that simplified thinking.

Like I said, nobody's right or wrong in that situation, it just worked out how it worked out and hopefully in time things will heal.

[MummaBear03]

Meh, it's the most special day of my life, not necessarily theirs, so I can't expect people to rearrange their lives and plans for my special day. My beste made the exception of no kids for my kids to attend because she didn't want me to miss out.
A friend didn't turn up to my wedding. Rsvp'd, we sent messages the day before but she just never showed. Sure I was upset at that, because it was a small wedding(30 guests plus ourselves), but you know what, I got over it and we still talk.

That's something that annoys me, for any party really, is when people don't bother to RSVP, or if they say they can't make it then just turn up, or say they will be there and just not turn up. The whole RSVP thing gets to me! we're gonna go through it this year for DD's birthday because I have to know how many will be there for tour and catering purposes, but also because I have to know how many to pay for.

[MsMummy]

All of your situations sound reasonable.

Sounds like you might have been dealing with some egomaniacal bridezillas!

[Seacretsquirrel]

I agree with Forkie and also Amara!


I also think it is silly hold a grudge cause I think it says more about the person holding it than the person who "wronged" them.