The ex's girlfriend?

[Sarak7]

Hey for the single mumma's out there..


If the father of ur bub has visitation rights and also has a girlfriend/fiance/wife
how do you feel about them trying to take your place as a mum?
every time i think of something like this it makes me so angry and if i'm ever in this position i think i'd prob end up knockin her out :o
I'm not raising this child just so the father and his ***** can try to take my place.

Sorry but this makes me so.. angry and it has happened to two of my friends.:eek:


If they want kids by all means have kids but DON'T try take mine!

[Deity]

Exactly. It's better to keep the children out of complex situations like that. I say if you can't behave like a parent you shouldn't be given the oportunity to proove you can't again and again.

The biggest problem I see is that people can't recognise their faults and the blame goes everywhere else, meanwhile the children are left confused and potentially emotionally scarred for life.

This thread can start a very messy conversation so it may be prudent to remember that there is not one solution for all situations but each situation has a solution. It takes a grown up to step up to their responsibility.

[Sarak7]

Sorry deity i'm not really sure how to take your post:confused:

[claireandbailey]

My ex has a new partner and he wants her to meet Bailey but i wont allow it until he makes more effort in seeing Bailey, I dont want her anymore confused than she already will be!. I think this is fair but he doesnt! I guess part of it is that i dont want to be replaced! bailey already has me as her mum she doesnt need another!

[Foxy]

Hi Sara, just thought I'd give you a point of veiw from a child who's parents divorced and eventually ended up with a stepmum and stepdad. I can honestly say the "steps" never took the place of my parents and I was very lucky to have 4 "parents" who loved me. I think what made everything run so smoothly, was that my parents never put each other down in front of us, and didn't let their "issues" interfere with raising happy kids. I think blended families are hard work, but if the parents have the right attitude and put their child's happiness above all else, things can work out for the best.

If you do find yourself in this situation, I hope you will be able to work it so you can all have some happiness. :)

[Deity]

Well, I hate the idea of my baby with the ex at all and especially not with him and some bit he's chomping at the time; he's got no decency or respect for women and that would be apparent to my DD in no time. These are not qualities I'd like my child to learn from the home - from mum or dad.

At the same time as sharing your distain for that particular situation I am open to the fact that not every man is like my ex and not every woman who dates a man who has a child to a failed relationship is necessarily a ***** or unfit to be near children.

Still, I feel that if the situation between estranged parents is of the nature similar to mine the child/ren are best as far away as possible and hopefully the person who is clearly unfit to have guardianship over young, impressionable minds, stay clear away.

This eventuality will not arise with my ex anyway as there is no visitation. I believe prevention is better than cure and if I am brutally honest believe that is what real parenting is about; what is best for the child, not necessarily what feels nicest to the parent.

[Little Gorilla]

Hello:wave:

Hope you don't mind me butting in on the single mums thread.

I'm an "ex's girlfriend" and he has a 6 year old daughter, who I first met when she was 2 years old.

I have to say it never ever occured to me to want to be her mum...she has a mum and a really really good mum.

I almost feel like the little girl's aunty iykwim - I've known her now for 4 years and we are very very close.

I tell her all the time that she has the best mummy in the world (even though I'm a mummy too...but I'm not HER mummy).

I get on with my partner's ex very well, in fact, she is just very happy that went we do have the little girl stay with us, she is looked after so well and has another female to go to if she has any problems.

She has never once called me mum by accident - although when we are out people refer to me as her mum and she never corrects them.

I would think as a mother you would just hope that your ex's girlfriend does treat your child like you would treat them - with love and care.

[caz]

I knok this is a hard situation for single mum's out there but I just want to give you an insight from the "new girlfriend" point of view

We are not there to become an instant mother, we are there to be a girlfriend to our new partner and a friend to the child. Any resonable female would realise that the child has 2 parents and they are not one of them. I hope your ex's new girlfriend realises this.

Well that's the way it is at our place. I know it's not an easy situation to be in

[Deity]

I'd just like to add, on a more personal note, I was adopted after being removed from an unsafe situation. I was removed from my natural parents at 18 months, they continued to have children and all were taken from them.

I was with foster parents from age 2- 6, then after the foster mum had an affair and left I was placed in a children's home for 2 years before living with my adoptive parents and getting adopted 18 month later when I was 9 years old.

I remember everything and it is not nice to have memories like I have and wish that I had my adoptive parents earlier because they are amazing and I consider them to be my only parents.

In my opinion parenting is more than having sex to get pregnant it is looking out for the welfare of your children, protecting them and guiding them through life, supporting them when they fall and giving all the love and smiles that can possibly fit into their hearts.

The very last thing on earth I ever wanted to be was a single mum, but better a single parent offering warmth and safety than with someone who contradicts every wholesome aspiration for their children. Hence my previous comment about prevention rather than cure.

[Sarak7]

I'm not putting down step parents.. i have a step dad

My thread is directed at the women who think it's fun to tell my child
to call them mum, and do evil stuff like that..
It's very confusing for any child, a young child starts to wonder which one is mum?:confused:
Also.. i agree with letting my ex dicipline our child but definately do not agree with her doing it.. i believe dicipline should be left up to mum and dad.
Some women do this just to hurt the mum, i've seen it happen..
and of course mum ends up very upset and angry at the girlfriend and it starts big fights and obviously causes the child grief as well.
I can by all means get along with the girlfriend IF she agree's to stay out of my childs up bringing and dosn't push her weight around.

[MeeG]

i know how u feel.... i get like that a bit, but its gonna happen eventually and i jus hope he finds someone who respects the situtation and not some tramp who hates me for no reason.... if she respects me then i'll do the same and thats all you can really ask for i guess, i would want my future boyfriends to respect joel as a part of my of life for my daughters sake.... lord knows i dont ANOTHER guy whose making life hard:rolleyes:

[Little Gorilla]

not all future partners of someone's ex is a demon wanting to take your children......some of us are quite nice and are very good mothers ourselves.....:)

[SamanthaJane]

I think if me and my dp broke up on bad terms, if/when he got a new girlfriend i think i'd be really selfish... i'd probabaly go as far as saying that the "new woman" is not to be around my child... at all... but then again i'd expect him to be fine with my new partner (if i had one) spending time with our daughter... I just wouldnt want some other woman stepping in... i mean, what if my daughter ended up liking her more than me!! :eek: :(

Yes, i am a b!tch, but im honest :D

[MissLou]

My DH & I both have children from previous relationships and have found no problem.
When my DS first went to his fathers, I was aprehensive about the "other woman", but then it was truely apparent that it was more her than DS father who was actually taking care of him. I am more comfortable knowing that there is another mum around when DS goes to his father's house - I know he'll get looked after properly.
As for my DH children - I've never thought of being or wanting to be their mum. I'm here for them, and I will care for them, but I definitely don't want to be their mum - they already have one.

I understand that not all situations can be pleasant though, and I totally agree that if the other parties are not going to be responsible, don't send your children into that. My situation is amicable, & it hasn't stopped DS wanting to know what's going on - he was clearly confused to start with, but thankfully, has been a situation he can understand & accept.

[munchkin05]

my ex has only seen ben a few times since we split and he has a new woman ( well shes not really new ) but i have refused for her to meet ben and i have made that very clear
i dont want someone else to have responcabilty for my son except me or his father and if his father doesnt want him then theres no way im leaving him with her
2 weeks after we split my ex let this girl stay the night when it was his weekend with the other kids and he couldnt understand why everyone was upset about it

i dont think they will last and i will do anything to protect ben so maybe in a year or so i will have to re think my decision but for now i think thats the right one

bens dad is more than welcome to see ben when ever he likes im not stopping that but i will always be there even if its at a park and i sit in the car while they play

[Femme-Fetale]

Hey for the single mumma's out there..


If the father of ur bub has visitation rights and also has a girlfriend/fiance/wife
how do you feel about them trying to take your place as a mum?
every time i think of something like this it makes me so angry and if i'm ever in this position i think i'd prob end up knockin her out :o
I'm not raising this child just so the father and his ***** can try to take my place.

Sorry but this makes me so.. angry and it has happened to two of my friends.:eek:


If they want kids by all means have kids but DON'T try take mine!

Its a tuff one to answer really. I guess it different for each parent and the situation varies.
I know if my ex was to settle with another woman, i would not have an issue with this. And i would try to befriend the woman, despite any issues that i may have with the father. I would want to know all i can about her and be friends or at least friendly so we can talk about how we like things to be done, so spesh so nothing bad gets said or done to try hurt/confuse the child.
I think if you manage it like the adult mother you are, it can be a positive thing. The child can have another older ladies perspective on things as well. A grown up woman friend as such. The new woman can stop daddy buying dopey presents for xmas bday so on. The new woman would hopefully be mor responsive and want to get out of the house and give the child a fun time there.

There is obviously a very real flip side to this, i dont doubt it, but u have to be mature enough to NOT let it work. Its kinda like the old saying, a arguement cant happen if it only includes one person. I guess if i was in the situation where my ex had a trollop of a woman as a partner and she began to bad mouth me, i would just sit down with the child and explain why she does this without attacking the other woman. Im above attacking the other woman, and it would only make me look as bad as her. Your child needs to see that that type of thing isnt nice, its not tolerated and you wont participate. Suggest ways to the child to handle it, such as walk away from the conversation, or tell her blunty that s/he doesnt want to hear it.

Its a hard one, there are so many plus's to be had but i guess it all comes down to luck and whether the father was smart enough to pic a real woman :ecomcity: Ive gone on enough now.

[mum2littleman]

DS doesnt see his dad however his father has a new girlfriend she does know about DS and thinks im every name under the sun but god nos what he has told here about me we were the best of friends and had a great realationship untill i fell pregnant and he left and even no i was on my own it didnt end badly at all.. but from reading things i have found on the intenet writen from here about me and my son if she ever was to come near my child or even look at him the wrong was i would knock her on her a** i would not let anyone take my place and i would be so jell if DS would ever stay at his on weekends and have her in his life like another mother said before we had the children not them they want to play happy family then have ur own dont take our role..
but then again u do get the nice ones that are friends with the child and not trying to be mum but i still wouldnt like it..

[ashleerose]

I never really got to know my exes new gf.
He got with her a week after i left, and to be honest i wouldnt be surprised if he had cheated on me with her (as he did with everyone else).

She instantly hated me.

She had good reaason to.

I was still married to him and i had two kids to him.

I had lost lots of weight (even then when i was at my biggest she was still at least double that).

I turned up to family law court with my parents.

He turned up with the thing, and his mum.

Lets just say that if you cannot put make up on dont (i cannot so i dont).

The makeup was overdone, and she looked across between a prostitute and a clown. Her clothes showed every lump and bump (not a good look best to try and hide as much as possible).

Although i looked good i didnt feel good but the good thing is it wasnt hard to look better than her and that at least helped.

Afterwards of course my ex started to try and get back with me he would be calling me telling me he loved me etc etc and that she was just a 'washer and a carry on' etc etc.

When that failed to get me back he gave up on the kids, but i think she had apart in this because he turned up for the first visit and she couldnt help but make sure she made the trip as well. Then the second visit he chickened out and she rang saying he had appenditis and the third visit she was constantly ringing him and having to be reassured funny thing is she was saying i love you and he was saying i do too (trying to hide it from me).... now if someone told me i do too id be sus.

She has sent me all sorts of horrible sms and just goes to show how jealous she is of me.

She had even dyed her hair the same colour as mine and got it cut the same way.

Thing is she has no selfconfidience. My ex treated me like **** towards the end.

He has been treating her like **** from the beginning and she already has a child from another relationship and now a child to him.
I dont doubt that this child was a surprise (not planned) and they did it for the three grand as they both are on drugs and she did it to feel more secure.
But at the end of the day you would have thought that they would have sorted the divorce out before the baby was born (they had nine months) and i have only just found out about the bubs.

Unlike me she will be stuck with him in her life as they live in the same street (housoland).

I dont hate her i dont like her.

[ashleerose]

Forgot to add that when i wanted a divorce he wanted to kill me or wanted me to pay him thousands of dollars.

In the end i told them that they could do it when they wanted to.

Also as i have already stated he cheated on me and i have an std from him and of course he is sharing that with her and anyone else he is or has slept with.

[InSaneOne]

i would like to say as a step-mum i am not the kids natural mother but i will care for them and make sure they are safe before i worry about myself. i am not trying to take th place of their mum - they already have one. i have known the kids for the last 6 years and i think we have come to an understanding. i am more like a big sister or auntie. they come to me with boyfriend problems and other stuff that they obviously don't feel that they can talk to their mum about. i don't try to be their mum but i am glad that they trust me enough to ask for my advice. and i think that they are lucky that they have someone that they can talk to like that. i could never tell my mum anything and as a result i got into a bit (ok a lot) of trouble when i was a teenager. when they come to me my goal is to help them be the best people they can. i am lucky they have this relationship with me.

i do look after them a fair bit while their dad is at work and during the holidays when it is their turn with dad. and yes i do disapline them for minor things (like punching or annoying each other) but major things (like lying) is their dad's responsiblity. they understand that while i don't like their mother i never bad-mouth her in their presence.

i think for a child to have a step-parent who loves them and cares for them is a lucky thing. some step-parents do everything they can to put the child down or show them how much they don't like or resent them. i love all the kids - even if i didn't give birth to them. and they are lucky to have 3 parents who love them.

[pegasus]

I'm another of the step mums.

I can totally see Samantha Jane's point - and I figure that none of us really know how we'd react if we broke up with our partners on bad terms. In my situation I know that hubby's ex didn't want me near her children - which we respected and told her when I was going to meet them. I was also open to meeting her, but alas, the day I met her, I put an assault charge on her. She obviously still had issues she has to work through!

I'm the only girl my hubby has been with since his ex (in a girlfriend sense, I'm sure he wasn't celibate for a year), and we've been together for 9years. On the other hand, his ex has had other guys she's lived with (a couple she moved in with only about 2 weeks after meeting them), and has had the kids call them dad. :shame: This is not on the same as I'd never have the kids call me mum. As others have said, I am not their mother although I do more with the kids when they are with us than their dad. Not saying he's not a good dad, but if we look after them in school holidays or whatever then I'm the one there, I'm the one making sure they are fed, clothed etc.

No matter what the clashes between the parents we're there for the kids. Such as times like today, when I got the call to pick up DSD (again) as mum can't handle her and she's been suspended from school (this is only the tip of the iceberg). I've been told the school will call me or hubby tomorrow, but will be seeing how we figure this one out. I am not the mother, but I become the one to get the children out of troubles when the mum can't handle it. I think I'm the one to get called upon because both of the parents (biomum and DH) sometimes can't see past their dislike of each other to put the kids first. Whereas at least, since I'm removed from the situation a bit, and didn't know them in their relationship, I can look at it purely from the kids' point of view.

[Gumby]

I am a mum of 2 daughters and I am no longer with there father. He has since moved on and so have I. I expect my ex's girlfriend to be in mother roll when around my children and given she is a grown women I respect how she chooses to help raise my children in her house. My children dont call her mum and have no desire to call her that because they know they have a mum that loves them very much. My new partner has taken on the dad roll as well and I think once you start to communicate with everyone involved (if its possible) the children know who there mum and dad are, and are just happy to be loved by everyone. It doesnt have to be complicated but I guess I am lucky I dont have a sh*it of an ex....lol

[nursenat79]

My situation is a bit of both. I was the ex's new gf and the mum was worried i would take over so stopped us having his son overnight. I loved his son and felt bad for being the 'new gf' and many times i asked the dad why he wasnt with his family/ex like he should be.
His son knew i wasnt his mum, if his dad even went to the toilet he would cry. This made me feel yuk and rejected but at the same time I was happy to see the bond between child and his mum and dad.
But that jerkoff then knocked me up and dumped me when he found out I was pregnant. now I am concerned because he had me in his sons life on and off since his son was 5 months old and this confused him. ALSO he kept me a 'SECRET' from his sons mother for NINE MONTHS of our relationship. In this time i even took care of him by myself for up to ten hours at a time.
I would be in tears saying "his mum needs to know I am in his life, if i were his mum, i;d want to know" he promised to tell but didnt until much later. I should have left and i am stupid for staying with a jerk who wouldnt even tell his sons mum he had a gf who was looking after his son, waking up to feed and change him etc. but i have to deal with it now. I just dont want him doing the same to his next 'victim', (sorry, girlfriend) and treating my kid like that. I was always on the side of the mother of his child as I could see what he was doing. Now I am in her boat although she hates me, refuses to officially meet me and calls me a ****. i understand. he is such a lying b&*&*d he probably made up some story to make her hate me so we couldnt meet and realise together what a jerk he was. But i dont want him having our kid with some poor girl he is using at the time and keeping it a secret from me. the poor child. I always felt sorry for the mother of his child and i want to prevent him doing that to mine. I wish i could talk to her so she knew how much i tried to get him to be honest with her and respect her. so all mums with ex's that have new gf's dont be jealous, those new gf's are being treated **** like u may have been if not worse (was was violent with me but not with her). but do what your gut tells u about the father. dont blame the new gf, blame the man who deserted your family and hunted down a new victim, sorry gf. (please excuse my anger in this post the wounds are fresh!)