Did anyone have a good step parent or can answer these questions???

[Idonttrustjelly]

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[Mmm Dessert]

Um, I grew up with a step-father, though my situation was probably a bit different to your kids'.

My dad died when I was five and my mum married my step-dad when I was eight or nine.

He's an absolutely wonderful man and I've always adored him. I think the best thing about our relationship with him was that he never really forced himself on my brother and I. We never had to call him dad and we kept our own father's last name.

My step-dad has two children of his own, who were around the same age as my brother and I, and he always treated all of us exactly the same.

I don't know if this has been helpful or not. Sorry.

[MamaBleech]

I was (my step-mum died a few years ago) a step-daughter and my Dad is a step-father to her daughters. Does that make sense?

My step-mother and I had a strained relationship, primarily because she tried too hard to be my 'Mum' in the early years. She also favoured her own daughters which was really damaging. I think that the step-parent having children of their own complicates things even further!

My Dad on the other hand was a really great step-father and both my sisters absolutely adore him and consider him their father. I think its really important to take things slow and NEVER ever try to be mum or dad to a kid who already has a mum and dad. The child will dictate how close the relationship gets and how quickly. They may resent your new partner initially (especially as they come to terms with their Dad moving away) but if the emphasis is just on being a 'friend' to the children rather than a parent for the first few years it should go a lot smoother. I feel that it is really important that you make it clear to your children that they are more important to you than your new partner and that their feelings regarding the situation are valid.

Sorry, gone off on a bit of a tangent there but these are the things that come to mind when I think about my blended family. :ecomcity:

So yeah, taking it slow and not forcing the relationship between step-parent and child whilst still being supportive, warm and showing an interest should make for a smoother ride!

[trishalishous]

my father died (we were late/early primary/baby), and my mother repartnered many years later (we were teens, my older sis was an adult, married and babies)
we miss our dad and he will always be remembered and part of our family (my step mum didn't meet him, but she talks about him, asks about photos/events) and my mums are both loving and supportive parents (and thrilled nanas :) )
I think as long as contact is maintained (phone/visits/letters) being apart from birth parents doesn't hurt.

[smog]

i had a stepdad. he was awesome:goodvibes: i did see my real dad but he was a complete loser whom i no longer see at all and dont refer to as my dad. so not quite what you were after but my stepdad was great.

my dh is a step parent and my dd does still see her dad. i think her real dad is a complete selfish tosser:rolleyes: but dd still thinks he is great. i dont bag her dad out to her as i know thats not productive but i do think when she grows up she will probably seehim for what he is (its quite obvious:p) im sure she will always love him and think he is special...but yeah one day i think she will become aware as to which dad was really doing the father stuff kwim?

so far she seems great and happy and loves both her families. but that said we ( and i mean dh and i;)) try really hard to keep things happy and casual and avoid drama with the ex. honestly i think thats the key. if its kept low drama and no bitterness, resentment, critising of each other going on then i think it can work out ok. great even.

i must say as an adult it does eat me up a little how my dad didnt care, but then i think of the great step dad i gained and it doesnt matter so much:)

[hubberonholidays]

I have a step-dad whose awesome; so awesome in fact that he's just my 'Dad'. My biological Dad is in England and Mum, 'Dad' and I left there to come here when I was 5. If I have to talk about both of them I usually differentiate with 'Dad here' and 'Dad there'. :laughing: My biological Dad is fine - we don't have much of a relationship, and other than a few soul searching years as a teenager I haven't really missed that connection. He's still my Dad, I still love him but he's not my 'Dad'.
Incidentally my 'Dad' and my Mum split when I was 17 and my 'Dad' is still my 'Dad' - nothing changed. If anything we're much closer now. He's remarried to a wonderful Women who I really love too - theoretically she's my ex-step-step Mum - lol! Insanity of my family...
But it's all good and I love both my Dads and the one who isn't biologically my Father has been a wonderful Dad

[RunningWithScissors]

Hi!
My DH is step-dad to my 2 kiddos aged 11 and 9. He is brilliant. I don't know if its because he doesn't have any children of his own, or he is just awesome...... I'm leaning toward the just awesome cos he is a wonderful man! There has never been an issue in the step parenting role for him or us... although he does tend to do silly things with the kids and lets them get away with murder, but I'm not sure if that's because he is trying to be a friend, or because he is just a male :laughing:
They love him, they really do. They don't have issues with climbing on him for a hug, running to him when they are in trouble, or wanting something . To be honest I did expect the whole "You're not my dad!" thing to pop up, but it hasn't yet, and its been 4 years! We still have the teenage years ahead though :laughing:

The kids see their father 2 days every week. He isn't a bad father, but he isn't a good one either. He likes to rule with fear, and he lives by the "I'm the parent, don't question me, just do as I say" rule. They aren't allowed to have their own opinions or feelings either. Its all his way.
DD makes no secret that she would rather not go there, but the courts don't care about a 9 year old. DS would also rather be here...He used to love going to his dads.. but since DH has been around, I can see that he doesn't see his father with rose colored glasses anymore.
His father might take him to the park on the weekend.. but DH will go play soccer or footy in the backyard with him.
He has started trying to buy them off now.. taking them snowboarding and overseas, but they still want to be in the happy home environment with me & DH... I cant tell you how happy that makes me!

[RunningWithScissors]

Aww Jelly that's great!

Sounds like you have found a "grown man" like mine...... just a very tall child! :laughing::laughing:

The fact that he can play so easily with them is really, really good thing. It shows he is comfortable being with them, and that's what WE need. I think there's always that fear of ending up like one of those people who get talked about behind their backs for letting some guy treat our kids like poo.
To see my kids running up to him when they need something, or just wanting to be near him is such a nice feeling.

He wont be full of energy everyday.. he is still human, just like my DH, he will have his crappy days too, but that's normal. DH has days where he wants to hide :laughing: but so do I!

I'm glad you have found someone like that for you and your kiddies! It makes the crap you went through before so insignificant :sunshine:

[RunningWithScissors]

Oh... BTW... I want to go make giant bubbles now! Thank your DP for me :laughing::laughing:

[SassyMummy]

I can't tell you how it all works out in the end, but I'll do what I can to help give you some insight into the sitaution.

My ex seemed to love our daughter very much... but he moved overseas about 6 months after we split up. The last time she saw him was a bit before Christmas in 2008. He's become less and less involved in her life over time, and this year he has only called once, and didn't call at all for her 5th birthday. :(

She tells me that she wishes DP was her real Daddy, because her real Daddy is a mean Daddy and a bad Daddy because he left her. She doesn't understand how he can say he loves her, but leave her. She's also asked him on the phone why he left/why never calls and his answer is "I don't know." She told me recently that she thinks that's a stupid answer. I agree.

DP and DD do not have a father-daughter relationship, but the more time they spend together, the closer it's becomming to that. It takes time - especially for DP who is only 22, and has jumped right into the deep end with DD and I. Before us, it was just him living at home with his parents, never having to pay for anything apart from his car and whatever else he wanted... etc. He was fed and housed for free... so he's gone right from that life, to a life of parenthood and responsibility.

DD loves him though. You can tell. He is the closest thing she has to a father and so she treats him like that. Sometimes they bicker because they're both stubborn and during those times I feel like I've got 2 children. lol.

Other times, they play silly little games where they tease and taunt each other (in a fun way).

She's also going through a stage right now where DP is awesome, and she wants him to do everything for her, and wants me to get lost.

We've been together for over 2 years now, and have been living together for 2 years in early September... and DD has just turned 5. Age will likely make a difference.

I do think DD is gonna be a bit screwed up because her father abandoned her though.

[~Candy~]

My dad left when I was young...he always worked away for long periods so it didn't really bother me when that time eventually turned into -forever. Mum never spoke ill of him so that was a good thing.

He did write to me, I to him. There was the occasional phone call but back then, contact from rural outback was hard. His letters were full of promises that never came true...but that was for me to see/learn.

Mum got a new boyfriend when I was about 11. He was a teacher so he helped me with my school work and projects. We were both also passionate about our horses and he became a very close friend to me and I could talk to him about anything. Although he was mums boyfriend..he was my friend. No-one could ever replace my dad...even thought he did slowly drift out of my life...I will always be grateful to have mum's boyfriend/my friend in my life.

OP, if you want ur kids to be in their dad's life, don't speak ill of him, don't butt in to their communication (even if you know he may let them down, it's up to them to learn the hard way). And IF you do find love again, let him be a friend...not a father :)

[RunningWithScissors]

Loving my bubble Jelly! :cloud9:



OP, if you want ur kids to be in their dad's life, don't speak ill of him, don't butt in to their communication (even if you know he may let them down, it's up to them to learn the hard way). And IF you do find love again, let him be a friend...not a father :)


:yes::yes:

Im convinced that's why our little family works so well. DH is a friend, unless they change the rules. They dictate the relationship between them and DH.
Although it is so hard to hide the bad blood from my kids... especially when their father rings up looking for a fight... I hide in my bedroom, but they still know whats going on.
Im just going to let him ruin it for himself.. he doesn't need help!
The most unfortunate thing for them is now that they are older, they can actually see their fathers faults. I had DD9 crying one day because "dad only cares about his stupid cars and (current gfs name)" and they ask why dad doesnt pay for anything for them. (He is on about $90k a year, lives alone except for the kids 2 days... my family is on under $50k for the 4 of us yet we buy everything they need ... unless of course he splashes out $8 on a tshirt.. then he tells everyone how he buys his kids clothes) Its freaking heartbreaking! And I have to lie to them about it... I tell them he must have had lots of bills this month.. I can see they dont buy it for a second anymore but what am I to say? That he does spend it on his cars and gf? Its almost funny.

[RunningWithScissors]

I used to find it sad, it still is to an extent, XDP had a horrible childhood.. His mum was very selfish.. a nice enough woman, but never really maternal.. everything was about her, the kids were living as "flatmates" by the time they were old enough to get a job at 14.. paying rent, buying their own clothing, furniture, food and supplies (laundry powder, toilet paper etc) cooking for themselves, cleaning etc.
He has just learnt the selfish "me first" behaviour.

My kiddies are happy little vegemites most of the time, they lack nothing cos they have me & DH who give them everything they need :)