Need some advice..

[Mrs Mac]

Hi to everyone and thanks in advance for reading and hopefully replying!

Firstly I do not want to start anything I am just looking for advice on the situation.

Which is as follows (will try to keep it short):

My DH was divorced when we married. He has two children (7 & 8) who re absolutely adorable. We see them twice a year due to distance and DH speaks to them twice a week.

His exwife also has another child to a different father, DH knew this when he married her. Her DD was approx 2 1/2 at the time of their wedding. So they were together for 4 years so her DD grew up knowing only DH to be her father figure.

After a very messy separation and a year later also a very messy court case DH decided he wanted nothing to do with her DD and has not had anything to do with her for 4 years now.

Ex has written to us, stating that her DD's father (who her DD met a good 3 years ago) basically wants nothing to do with her and her DD is upset that when my DH calls his kids to chat she never talks to him. She has requested that DH talk to her.

DH does not want to. He refuses. I do not know what to do.

We need to reply as there are other things we need to communicate however how can I tell her that??

I am in two minds about this, he married her back then knowing she had a daughter, he told me he once loved her DD and he did raise her like he raised his own. I admire that. But he is adamant he will have nothing to do with her now. Which I do not understand, and it also may be his ex saying these things as she has done a lot of nasty things in the past and is not very happy he is having another baby.

I am sorry, I may be rambling now I just needed to get it out. Please do not attack me I just need advice in how to talk to him about it without him getting more annoyed with the whole thing. Or how to tell her he doesn't want to talk to her DD.

:hair:

[august]

So your DP raised this girl for 4 years then ..no contact.
It seems rather unfair for the little girl, does she call him 'dad' like the other kids?

I think he should be willing to speak to hear, Its not that hard for him to talk on the phone every now and again.

[Mrs Mac]

Thank u August for replying. I agree with you. No she does not call him dad like his kids do.

I have told him he should at least say hello how is school etc but he refuses. I have been trying to talk him around gently for a long time. So I guess I am looking for ways to explain it to him from her dd's point of view?

I do feel for her dd too.

[Benji]

Oh that breaks my heart, that poor little girl :gloomy:

ETA: I really feel for you, sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Maybe ask him not to discuss such things with you as you carry the burden as well **hugs**

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Right...
My Dh has raised and been Dad to my DS1 for 5 years (since he was one).
If we were to EVER sepaerate there is no way on this earth DH would cease contact with him and just contact our biological children.
Sorry I think your DH's behaviour is absolutely disgusting and I am appalled that someone can treat a poor little girl in such a way. :no:
I hope she isn't finding the sense of abandonment too overwhelming.
So sad.
I hope you can talk to him and he realises how much damage he is causing that child.
Good Luck.

[sandy cheeks]

I think thats a pretty harsh tbh he acts like a dad while there together then only calls his bio kids when they split. Seems mean who cares what the mum did, it hurts the poor girl not her mum.

[Mrs Mac]

Thanks Benji. I will ask him to not involve me as much.

Faroutbrusselsprout and Sandy Cheeks I completly understand and agree that his behaivour is not acceptable. However I am not asking your opinion I am asking for advice or ideas in how to get him to see sense as I am pulling my hair out trying to get him to understand.

Maybe I will get him to read this thread...

[HowCrazyCool]

Not really sure what he is thinking.
Im not sure why the Ex would be doing this now? She should have been doing it at the start of the break up. Not after the messy break up. And when this kids dad hasn't wanted to see her. It is strange.

I have a DSD. And i would fight to see her. Or give her a ring or something if her dad and i broke up. But if there was no contact why now?

Some idea's

Did she break up with him?
Does the girl look talk/like her mum? He might not be able to stand talking to her? IF there is lots of hate towards the mum. (this is not this little girls fault)

Maybe he doesn't feel like he is her father anymore? 4 years is a LONG TIME!!! But i am 2 years now with Dp and Dsd. Dsd STILL has a mum. I would feel very weird if i my Dp and i broke up in a messy break up. And i hadn't talked to my dsd for a while now, And he rang me up Asking me to talk to dsd cause her mum didn't want her anymore.

They both should have continued the bond with this girl after the break up.

How long has your dp not been talking to the girl for? I think it is a bit silly of the mum to ask her Ex to talk to this girl as now her dad doesn't want to.
Why try and foster this bond now when she should have been thinking before hand. O she miss's him. I would be insisting from the start of the break up that he have contact with her. Not when it suits the mum that she have him as a dad/father figure.

[Mrs Mac]

Thank you to everyone for replying.

Howcrazycool thank you so much! My DH is at sea atm and communication with him is limited however I did make a breakthrough.

I got some more insight and I also planted a more personal seed which I am hoping he will think about.

He has not spoken to her dd for 4 1/2 yes now. He said it will feel weird going back.
I asked him if he felt attachment to her dd while he was married to his ex and he said, not really but I was in that role. He also said that things changed for him when h had his own.

Well that made me hit back with, "ok so I love your children... What if my feelings changed when we hve our own? How do u think your kids would feel?"

Hmmm... He did not like that.

So I think I have planted a seed but you are also right howcrazycool ... Why has the ex bought it up just recently after so long.

DH said Due to the email he know feels pressured to do something he doesn't know how to do. The line in the email was
"can u let me know a time that suits you so i can call so you can speak to ALL of the kids?"

she never calls any other time.

She has also just recently published photos of their wedding 10 yrs ago on FB?

It is just a very confusing situation but I hope he takes it slowly with her Dd and starts off with a hello next time he is scheduled to call.

[CookiesRYum]

hate to be the sceptic but maybe the ex is trying to get back into his life? What's with the photos? Sounds wierd. But i think your handling it well and hope little girl is ok.

[elleandsam]

Sounds a bit strange that he won't even say hello, from being dad to being nothing? He should at least say hello and ask how she is.

[Mrs Mac]

Sorry about spelling... On the iPhone grr.

[tracey2010]

The more you try and push things the more he may back peddle. If he goes to sea as well he will be away from the normal life for 4 weeks at a time or more, and sea farers can tend to cut off their emotions due to long swings... sorry i cant be more of a help, lets just hope with your gentle prodding he may change his mind... Also has the little girl thought about writing to him, sometimes things in black and white can be read and re read until he understands where she is coming from...